Chapter 4:
Think About the Good Times (and Never go Back)
"I said, "Tell me about what is real."
― Esmé Weijun Wang, The Collected Schizophrenias: Essays
I remember I was never too far from my mother's hand. Attached at the hip, dad would tease. Kathelyn would scoff. When I lost that handholding, I conceded to the wills of others. I became vulnerable and soft, like a newly hatched bird. I lost a part of myself, bigger than I realised. I desperately tried to find something that would fill that hole but nothing was enough. Even him. Especially him.
They told me he died in Nibelheim -a terrorist attack -Avalanche, in fact. That's what they said officially to the public that ate up the story of the great hero Sephiroth and how he died in the line of duty, just like he should. People will accept what confirms their biases, it just so happened that in this case they believed a hero needed to die at the hand of an enemy; an enemy that never really existed. I wondered: if he was dead, did he ever imagine himself to be memorialized like he was? A quick mention in the papers, swept under the rug? Quick, like ripping off a scab, old and stuck. Get the hero out of their minds. Turn them away from inconsistencies. And I became yet another left-behind. It crushed me under its weight and I collapsed to the floor, inconsolable, and hiding behind closed doors. I promised myself it would be the last time that I would let someone have such a hold on me.
"Are you coming?" Jofrey called from the entrance of the cable car.
Kathelyn was furious I allowed him to join us on our expedition to the happiest place on Gaia. Jofrey was standing by the door, with a small pack across his broad back, a smile across his lips. He demanded to know where we were heading, Kathelyn was at a loss. She subsided to my wishes. I want to go to Gold Saucer, I commanded. It was empowering to see her crumble to my will, mumbling about how it was a bad idea but doing nor saying anything to change my mind.
"Do you really think this is a good idea?" Kathelyn whispered, following me into the cable car. She was terribly concerned of my decisions. I never really made a good decision in my life but I felt like this seemed as logical as it could be -he was more capable than either of us. And I was certain that a decent paycheck would keep it that way.
Apprehensive and yet still convicted to move forward, I shrugged in response.
Jofrey slapped the seat next to him. "They always set off fireworks at night; better look out the window."
"You've been there before?" I never would have imagined someone like him enjoying an entertainment park. He seemed miserable of his own accord.
"No, but I've heard of it. And I'm gathering that you've never been there either."
"No. I hate heights, to be honest."
Kathelyn leaned into the window as the cable car whined into motion, puffing air from her slacked lips. Kathelyn was hesitant of my decision. I was picking up my meager belongings when Kathelyn approached me. I felt her glaring at my back, shifting undecided. She was concerned that I wouldn't be able to take the cable car. I wanted to prove her wrong.
I leaned out the window, watching as the ground disappeared beneath us, air trapped in my throat. Just breathe. Just breathe.
"Helena, look." Kathelyn tapped my shoulder, my eyes sown shut.
The pop of the fireworks seemed distant, hiding behind my heartbeat and sweaty palms. It was distracting and soothing. Bright colours reflected on the golden surface of the Gold Saucer tree.
"Have you recently seen any fireworks?" I directed my question to Kathelyn.
"Yeah, when Wutai surrendered. Shin Ra staff went out in the streets and lit a few. I think that was the last time."
Joffrey snubbed her, snapping his tongue against his teeth. "Nothing like fireworks after a slaughter."
"I've never seen fireworks before," I ignored Jofrey's interruption, staring vaguely in Kathelyn's direction. She returned the favour, perceptive.
"Never?" Jofrey seemed surprised.
"Not a lot to celebrate in Midgar, I'm afraid," I laughed. Our father tried one summer but he accidently left them against the barn during a rain storm. My mother couldn't help but laugh at his plight. I knew he was really trying hard to give Kathelyn and I an experience. When we left for Midgar, I knew those summer nights would cease to exist save for a few choice reels I tried to protect from the decay of Midgar.
The cable car shook as it reached its destination, the endlessly looping music drowning out the mechanical whirl of the cable car breaks. Everything had an energy about it, a very Shinra-esque energy. Sweets and bright noise drowning out the misery below. Corel sprawled out in shambles around the cable car station; dust encroaching on tent canvas and seeping through the lungs of children, kicking a beer can. No one asked questions -don't ask questions you have no business in knowing the answer.
Jofrey stepped out first and I attempted to follow but Kathelyn grabbed my wrist, setting me off balance. "I hope you know that I will protect you. You know you can trust me, right?"
"Kathelyn, stop."
"You don't think this is shortsighted?"
"He'll figure it out someday and when he does, I'll pay him more."
"The money will eventually run out."
"Then we find someone else. Kathelyn, we need someone like him. Neither of us can handle hiding from or fighting Shin Ra."
"You're afraid of something."
Am I? I've felt fear before. When I walked home from school to find no one home. When the Shin Ra military police knocked at my door. Mom said to never open the door to strangers but they were persistent. I was afraid when the scalpel hit my temple and Hojo told me the anesthetic would lull me to sleep. Fear was never a motivator so this had to be something different.
"Or do you just want him around."
"How dare you," I seethed, suddenly feeling a spike in body heat rip through my chest. I took a breath and felt it subside. "Let's just enjoy the time we have here. We'll figure it out as we go along. Every time I plan something out, I jinx it." Fear wasn't a motivator, never was. I would freeze in place, feet cemented and air escaped my body. This was different; I felt compelled to move forward -to what end, I wasn't certain but I was getting there fast.
"Hey, c'mere!" Jofrey, standing up the map of the park, flagged me down. "Look! They have a rollercoaster! I heard they did and here it is."
"I'm petrified of heights, Jofrey. But," I took Kathelyn by the shoulders and offered her as sacrifice.
"There's no way in hell," Kathelyn spat.
It didn't take much more convincing to have Kathelyn on the same ride as Jofrey. It was torturous to get her down the piping but as soon as she saw the ride, with laser guns strapped to the front, she excitedly sat up front and pressured Jofrey to do the same. They are like children, I chuckled to myself. Seeing Kathelyn perk up like that was heartbreaking.
"Are you sure you don't want to try?" Jofrey attempted once more.
"Nah, you guys have a good time." No, it's better off like this: watching from the outside. Unwanted imaginative scenarios crept in my mind. I couldn't help but be this way. I was always like this but he made things worse. I would prod him, waiting for him to snap and leave me, my only friend. I was lulled into a false sense of security when he refused to take the bait but eventually my luck ran out. I felt him drive a deep wedge between us to which there was no way I could reach him. And I lost the last chuck of myself I never could replace.
It was perhaps the ride up but I felt drastically ill. My knees buckled slightly. I sent a quick text on the burner PHS Kathelyn bought notifying her that I would find a room for us. My brain swelled and seemed to knock itself on my temples. I felt suddenly alone as my fingers furiously typed at the keypad of the PHS. I just wanted to find a bed and bury my head underneath a pillow and cradle my body with a 1500-thread count sheet. Everything was seen through blurry, narrowed vision as I hobbled to my room. I was barely coherent as I slapped down the night's due; the thought of that bed, itchy sheets (as a hotel must have) pushed me forward. I just needed to rest, that was all.
"You okay?"
A familiar voice. Shin Ra, despite clearly not pursuing me, seemed to inadvertently find me at every corner. "Reno? Yeah, I'm just-."
"Hey!" He grabbed hold of my arm as my head aimed for the wall. "Let's take you to bed, okay?"
"I'm not interested. Just take me home, I'm too drunk," I slurred, word indecisively slipping from my dry lips, laughing at my own joke.
"Helena, have you been drinking?" He pulled me from the ground, looping his arm around my waist and dragging me forward.
"No, mom." I was cracking myself up.
I handed him my keycard. "Let's just get you to bed," he said with assuredness.
"Sure, Reno. You know I missed you tons."
"Might have been better if you stayed with Shin Ra."
"Shin Ra has more booze."
"What did you drink?"
"Nothing, I just feel weird."
He sat me on the edge of the bed and then leading me to the pillow. "How do you feel now?"
"In that sweet spot between drunk and hungover." Despite feeling so dissociated, I felt a heavy presence. I attributed the presence to Shin Ra's overwhelming hold on me. As much as I tried, as much as I tried to section that part of me, I knew no matter how far I walked, Shin Ra was near by. "Shin Ra's here," I muttered.
"Yeah. As much as you want to think otherwise, Hojo couldn't give two shits about where you are or what you're doing."
I laughed. He maybe was right. Reeve said as much but he had less ambiguous motives -the Turks were hired to round up a lot of Hojo's many mistakes. I didn't want to feel like just a runaway but something greater. Maybe a deserter? "So, why are you here?"
"We heard that Sephiroth was somewhere in the area." Wherever I was to go, my past was soon to follow. "You need some rest," he tapped at my back, I shirked away.
As soon as he left, the sound of the door echoing in the empty room was soon replaced by distance tinkling of piano keys. At first it was just random sounds until they gathered and were strung together in a coherent song. Something hidden behind layers of poor choices and memories of a life rather lived came forth. Like a leaky facet, drips gathered in the crooks of my eyes and leaked through my lashes; ugly sobbing ensued.
Taking the decorated letter opener left on the desk beside the Iron Maiden, I went to the liquor cabinet and began prying it open. Small little bottles of some unknown liquor had to do. Heat rose from my cheeks to my shoulders and down my spine. It wasn't long for the heat to turn to pain, tearing through my nerves, seizing my muscles. I let out a guttural cry through clenched teeth. I began slipping out of my clothes, sobbing louder and louder as my skin was exposed by the air. I needed to cool my skin, entirely on fire at this point. I crawled to the bathroom, the grinding of my teeth drowning out my cries.
I pulled myself to my feet and sat on the edge of the bathroom skin, fingertips drawing out where my skin was lifting and bubbling; the sprawling tattoo across my back was raised a good centimetre. I felt alone as I turned the cold water facet, feeling the water touch my skin like needles. I wanted someone to hold my hand, reassuring me that this feeling would pass. My knees buckled and hit the slippery tiles, sliding across the wet floor, my head colliding with the floor. My ears rang, complimenting the piano notes drafting through the exhaust vent and the small crack in the room door. I closed my eyes, at peace with the pain.
The feeling of longing dissipated as I felt my head being lifted from the floor. "Kathe?" I called out.
"Hello Helena," she answered, her smiling unbecoming of her. "You must have felt cold laying on the ground like that."
"I think something's wrong."
"You would think that. You were always rather paranoid. Always clinging to a reality you would rather live."
Using her shoulder, I pulled myself so that we were looking face-to-face. It was like looking at a mirror reflecting of her: something didn't seem quite like her. Someone was wearing her skin. I shuttled across the floor, back hitting the wall behind me.
Her skin shrugged, "not what you wanted?"
That voice, "Sephiroth? No. You're dead."
"Is that what comforts you at night?"
I struggled upwards, eyeing the open door. Fearful of the menacing force before me, a murderer wearing a skin that wasn't his, I measured my following actions. I calculated: I could easily escape if I refused to stop. Yes, I needed to scream. I needed to run. And kick, bite... I needed to escape.
I screamed for help as I made my move for the door, feeling his fingertips gracing my ankle. The proper reflection of Kathelyn was opening the hotel room door when I collided with her, relief washing over me.
"What's wrong? What happened?" She hastily pushed me back into the room; I was wet, cold and half naked.
"We need to leave! Now!" I plead. I reached for her nap sack, a gun floating with its holster. In an act of discomposure, I gathered my nerve, pulled the gun and aimed it for the bathroom door.
"Helena!" The voice from the bathroom was so like Kathelyn's that Kathelyn stumbled back into the room's door.
"Stand back! Or I'll fucking shoot!" I didn't feel confident in my words but the gun seemed to do most of the talking.
"Do it, Helena." He sauntered forward, the skin smirking. He knew more than anyone I understood that I didn't possess the audacity to actually shoot him. He knew, he was counting on it.
"Sephiroth, please," I whimpered, the barrel of the gun shaking and gradually dropping.
"Such a weak person; I'm glad to see nothing has changed."
"Please," I plead again, closing my eyes.
"Don't you fucking touch her!" Kathelyn shouted as she tried to pull me behind her, acting as a shield.
"She's the one pointing a gun. She's always been rather fierce and having very little the stand on. Oh, but you wouldn't know, would you? Barely knowing your own sister, how sad? Making up for lost time, I see?"
"You have no idea what you're talking about," she spat.
"Struck a nerve? Do you really think you can protect someone you have no idea who they are, who they really are? I would be more careful with the person behind you than the one standing in front of you."
"Fuck off," she asserted.
"Right Helena? We all have skeletons in our closets." He sat on one of the beds nonchalantly, seeming very confident with his position.
"What are you doing here?" I puzzled.
"I thought I would offer you some advice, some direction. You have always lacked purpose."
"Stop pretending like you know me."
The skin's lips tightened into a smile. "Oh, I know you, I know you very well. And I know that you tried to cut out the tattoo on your back when you were thirteen and high enough to have the nerve. I know that you would do it again."
I slipped from my meat shield and approached with caution. I was compelled to look at him in the eyes. "You know me, don't you?"
He nodded deliberately, "I know you want to understand, understand that there is some meaning to all of this." He leaned forward, gesturing me to meet him halfway. "The Black Materia, it will be mine."
Kathelyn protested as I stood in horror of the revealed secret, a piece of flesh in my hands.
"Where the fuck did he go?" She snapped, shaking me at the shoulders. She was just bewildered as I was.
She reached for the flesh, cupped in my hands. "No!" I twisted away, imprisoning the flesh. Her fingers snaked their way and unlatched my cage, deciding to flush it.
"No!" I followed her into the bathroom, "we don't know what it is."
"It's not staying here and you're not fucking holding it." Down the shitter.
"You have no idea what you've done."
"No, I have no idea! I have no idea what the hell is going on either!"
"I'm just as scared as you are, you know."
"Apparently not!" She crossed her arms tightly. "What the hell is going on here, Helena?"
"I-I'm not sure. I just know that it's a bad idea to stay in one place too long." I sighed, dispensing tension. I gripped the gun at my side.
"He knows about the tattoo."
"He said something about getting the Black Materia, too."
"The ultimate destruction materia?" She remembered my mom's ramblings.
"You should have seen Hojo's face when he found out he accidently stumbled on a link to the Temple of the Ancients."
"The tattoo," she hesitated. "You do know what this means?"
"I do."
"So, Jofrey's going to come in handy, then."
"I'll be paying more for his cooperation, that's for certain," I inadvertently chuckled.
I faltered and sunk to the ground. Kathelyn dragged me to one of the beds, slipping me between the sheets. "You need to rest."
I raised up in protest. "Just rest," she interjected, "I'll stay up until Jofrey comes." She coaxed the gun from my hands.
"What are you going to tell him?"
"Nothing," she concurred. "Not until you wake up."
Finally at peace, I closed my eyes. I thought I would recognize him by looking into his eyes but I recognized nothing. He wasn't the person I once knew. Not the young kid, locked away in the mechanical tower of Shin Ra HQ. We would talk in the vents and send little secret notes in code. He taught me how to unscrew the vent grate to send bigger parcels but he had no idea I would try to smuggle myself in.
"It's your birthday next week."
"Hm, I guess you're right," he shrugged.
"So, what would you like?"
"Quiet."
"Uh-huh, sure. C'mon! You'll be turning twelve! That's huge. Here, let me tell you this, I'll make you the best gift you have ever had!" He didn't seem convinced but allowed me to sneak into his room again later that week, and I came bearing gifts.
"So-o, what do you think? See," I took his hidden pet rat and guided it into one of the pipes, "it's an exercise maze!"
"I love it," he seemed so genuine; despite the lack of a smile, I knew it would have to do. Little did I know it would also be a goodbye gift. He left for Wutai shortly after. I accepted the empty cell next to me; the quiet stabbed at my fragility. I noticed when he returned, how different he seemed. With every parting, he seemed to be... more and more unlike the boy I knew.
A/N: I will need to fix a continuity error for Chapter 2 (remind me later, thanks).
Let me know what you think!
Thanks to OneThousandCuts for your continued support!