So there were... quite a few comments over the week regarding "the Slappening." I'd like to address that real quick. When I wrote the scene, I'd had two goals... one was to inject a little bit of Ranma's foot-in-mouth disease and his bad luck with women in general (please see: the entirety of Ranma 1/2), and two was to have a bit of fun with character reactions. I'd originally envisioned that Tifa was going to be less upset about Ranma lying or being male than a) belittling being female and b) being rude to Tifa in particular with the 'hug and go fight evil' speech. I may not have done as good a job conveying that as I thought. As a result I've decided I will go back and edit that scene to better convey the intent. That edit will probably go up next week, as this past one has been a bit busier than expected. Regardless, thank you all for this bit of feedback, as it is important to me to make this the best story I can. TL;DR The slap is staying but the scene will be improved to make it fit better.

Other comments!
alicemisuzu: Ranma is willing to explain the basics of his history to people he trusts (or people who threaten him with death) because he's learned over the last year (see all of Ranma 1/2) that hiding the story, telling different versions, omitting key elements, or outright lying about it has caused almost as many problems for him as Genma's... everything... has. He's not going into the details of the Love Dodecahedron with AVALANCHE though, at least not on day one.
Kaiya Azure: This is unlikely to appear as a plot element in this story, but frankly the idea of Shinra weaponizing the Jusenkyo curses is kinda terrifying. I could think of a couple dozen ways that could work and none of them are good. On the other hand, I have the capacity to be at least as much of an utter bastard as Hojo is in canon, so... maybe next fanfic?
"Guest" and "Anonymous": This one was my fault. It has been years since I've read the manga, and I'd misremembered the details of the Bakusai Tenketsu during my research. Slight exaggeration as a result. :D

All right, with that, on with the story!

Chapter Twelve

Girls Night Out

[ ν ] - εγλ 0007, December 11

Ranma stood in front of the bar and finished pouring the fresh glass of warm water over his head. "That's a relief," he said. "Been spending too much time as a girl lately."

"And what's so bad about being a girl, anyway?" Tifa cut in, looking at him sideways.

Ranma sighed. "You're a martial artist, right?" he asked.

Tifa nodded. "Trained by the great Zangan," she replied, "though you'll probably tell me you don't know who that is."

"You'd say the same of Genma Saotome," he answered, "'cept you wouldn't catch me dead calling him 'great.' Point is… Actually, come here a sec, I can demonstrate." Tifa gave him another look, but set down the glass she was cleaning and stepped out from behind the bar. "Pardon me for saying it like this, but you've had your breasts all your adult life."

Tifa gave a brief glare, but restrained herself otherwise. "Yeah, so what?"

"So," Ranma continued, "you're used to 'em. They're natural. They're a part of who you are, you can work with 'em cuz of how you learned to fight. Now imagine at any moment, you will lose about twenty centimeters of height," he said, pushing downward on Tifa's shoulders firmly, causing her to bend at the knees slightly, "and your center of balance will change significantly on top of that," he pushed again on her upper back, tilting her forward slightly to simulate that change. "Since you're shorter overall, your limbs are shorter now too," and he tugged in at her elbows, "which means your striking range is reduced. The extra weight up top overbalances you when you jump or when you reach for somethin', and the extra... counterweight... gets in the way of your expected range of motion. Now, try to fight someone like this one out of three battles, and you'll get an idea where I'm comin' from here."

Tifa nodded, and stood back up. "Okay, you have a point," she conceded. "Now let me get back to work or I'll dunk you again."

As Tifa returned to the bar, Jessie looked over at him, and shrugged. "I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing that little swap of yours," she commented. "How do you even manage it?"

"Hah!" he barked vehemently. "Don't mistake composure for ease. It sucks. It's not something I have a lotta control over, the damn curse attracts water. And even in cases where I get to decide when I tell people about it, like just now, I don't usually have control of the situation as well."

Biggs shook his head. "Yeah, you're definitely a weirdo," he said, taking a drink of his beer. "But you're our kind of weirdo."

Wedge lifted his mug in response. "Hear hear," he called out.

Behind him, Aerith appeared on the ladder leading into the basement, taking a few steps away from the hole in the wood panels. Ranma gave her a smile. "So, now what?"

The clank of machinery sounded, and the hidden platform began to rise again. Barret stood on the platform, a grim look on his face. "So, we got a new player," he announced. "My new friend downstairs says he works for Don Corneo. Seems he might be lookin' to expand his reach."

The general mood of the room indicated to Ranma that this was not a desired outcome. "Okay, I've heard of this guy since I got here, but mostly rumors," Ranma said. "What's the deal with him?"

Tifa scowled. "Scum of the worst sort," she replied. "Almost as bad as Shinra, but on a smaller scale."

Barret inclined his head and began counting off on his fingers. "Murder, protection rackets, slavery and forced prostitution, extortion and blackmail, and even if you somehow ignored alla that, the man's a slimeball."

Ranma nodded. "So getting him out of the way could only improve things down here," he mused out loud.

"Yeah, but that's the problem," Barret responded. "We need to know exactly what he's up to, something our friend downstairs wasn't in the know for. If we go over there and start a ruckus, he might do a runner while his little private army of goons makes everyone's lives hell. Shinra don't even go there if they can help it."

Tifa nodded her understanding. "So we'd need to sneak in somehow. Either ambush Corneo where he can't get away, or lure him into a trap somehow."

"Well, some luck there," Barret remarked. "Crick said Corneo's in the market for a wife… though why anyone would want to marry that pile o' trash is beyond me. He apparently gets a couple 'candidates' each night, picks one to keep for himself, and tosses the rest to his lackeys." Most of those present shared a collective shudder at the implications of that statement. "I don't wanna ask this of any o' ya, but we need the women of AVALANCHE to step up."

Jessie stood suddenly, hands on the bar table, shaking her head. "I'm going to have to sit this one out, sir," she said apologetically. "I'm… known there. Before I joined AVALANCHE, I did a job for Corneo's current lieutenant. If I showed up, I'd just put the whole mission in danger."

Barret raised an eyebrow. "Even if we set you up with a disguise or somethin'?" Jessie shook her head and sat down. "Damn. All right, so Tifa, Aerith… Sorry, Aerith, but it's kinda needed. And we still need a third."

All eyes suddenly swung to meet Ranma.

Ranma blinked. "Oh no," he said, shaking his head. "No, no, no, hell no, absolutely not, I am not gonna put on a skirt so I can get groped by some sleazebag crime lord and his cronies!"

Wedge looked up from his game. "Ranma, as much as I sympathize, if Jessie can't do it, it's either you or Cloud."

Every mind in the bar, Cloud himself included, briefly considered this. Every mind subsequently rebelled. "Yeah, I don't think that'd work," Cloud responded, a sour look on his face from the mental image. "I'd do it if there was no other option, but I seriously doubt that I'd be able to hide the sword under a dress."

Ranma frowned. "Remind me later on to teach you somethin' about the Joketsuzoku Hidden Weapons Style," he muttered sarcastically, "maybe then all of you can wear skirts and go dancing somewhere with all the swords and guns you can carry." Cloud and Barret both glared at him. Ranma waved his arms in surrender. "Fine, fine, whatever, tell me the plan, get me a dress for this, let's get this stupid thing over with."

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"Aerith?" Ranma called out from the changing room, a note of uncertainty in her voice.

"Yes, Ranma?" Aerith responded.

"You are never, ever allowed to pick out clothing for me, ever again."

Aerith giggled a little. "Well, forgive me for saying so, but your fashion sense is…" She cast about for a polite way to say 'abysmal,' and finally settled on, "...non-existent, by Midgar standards anyway."

Ranma didn't really consider that statement to be a selling point for what she was being asked to put on. The platform wedges weren't helping. "Seriously, how am I supposed to even walk in these things?"

Probably not the way you walk in them, Aerith thought flippantly. Aloud, she said, "Come out here and let's see what you're doing."

"I will get you back for this one day, Aerith," Ranma said, though even she knew there wasn't much she could do about it. She stumbled out of the changing room, and glared at Aerith. Currently dressed in a red leather miniskirt and matching halter top, covered by an oversized biker's jacket. She stubbornly retained her short pigtail.

Aerith nodded, not believing a word of it herself. "Okay, walk around, let's see," she said. Ranma's balance in the shoes appeared to be perfect when standing still, but when she took a step, all of that poise seemed to go out the window. It looked like she was tripping over nothing. Repeatedly. "Are you…" Aerith watched the rapid movement of Ranma's feet in disbelief. "Are you trying to jump in those shoes?"

Ranma gave an exasperated glare. "Well, I can't exactly walk in them!"

Aerith laughed, and then grabbed Ranma by the shoulders. "Feet on the ground, stop moving," she instructed. After a moment, Ranma complied. "Put one foot in front of the other- stop there," she said, trying to guide Ranma through the motions. "Foot down, put your weight on it, move the other foot the same distance. Don't overextend your steps."

Ranma nodded, and did her best to follow Aerith's hasty but effective instructions. "How do you fight in these?" she wondered out loud.

"You don't," Aerith replied offhandedly. "Walk around the store a couple times, but I think you might have it now." Ranma circled dutifully twice in one direction, and once in the opposite direction, making sure she could balance properly when turning as well. "Yeah, you do learn fast, that's for sure. I'd be jealous if I didn't just have to teach a seventeen-year-old girl how to walk in wedges."

Ranma grumbled. "Why'd you pick such an outfit for me anyway?" she asked.

"Because," Tifa said, strolling in from outside in a baby-blue minidress and matching heels, "we don't want you to be picked, and frankly you don't want you to be picked, but we still need you to participate. Corneo's got… particular tastes. I doubt you could pull off 'hooker'. But if you look like a street tough who's trying to be sexy, then you might get away with it." She effortlessly sashayed around in the dress. "But frankly, Ranma, you move too much like a fighter to be able to get away with much else." Ranma went back to grumbling. "What about you, Aerith? Still deciding?"

Aerith shook her head. "No, I've already picked out mine, but I wanted to make sure Ranma didn't wind up needing crutches." She indicated a deep red dress hanging up next to the changing room.

Tifa stepped over and examined it. "Looks good, Aerith," she said appraisingly. "All right girls, we're on the clock, so let's head out as soon as Aerith is ready."

Ranma took a seat, tugging the hem of her skirt down as far as she could manage, while Aerith stepped over to the changing room and pulled her dress in with her. "Tifa?" Ranma said quietly.

"Hm?" Tifa said, sitting down nearby.

"I need to know something," Ranma replied. "I trust Aerith, and so far she's given me no reason not to trust her, but I need to know... " she trailed off. "You really… don't know where I'm from, do you?"

Tifa shook her head. "Never heard of Japan, never heard of Tokyo, none of it," she confirmed. "Honestly, I thought your name made you Wutaian, but…"

"Yeah, Aerith said the same," Ranma answered. "Did a little research last week. It's weird, there are a lot of similarities between Japan and Wutai. But… it's all skin-deep. It's not my home. This whole place… isn't my home."

Tifa nodded and slid closer, wrapping one arm companionably over Ranma's shoulder. "Look, I'm not going to say you're actually from anywhere, but for what it's worth, I believe you. I know we've only known each other a day now, but…" Tifa sighed. "I have to believe that it's possible that somewhere exists that is better than this place."

Ranma nodded. "My world isn't exactly flawless, y'know," she explained. "People get the short end of the stick sometimes. There are criminals and psychopaths, and regular folks who live in the middle of it. Saints, sinners, heroes and monsters alike, and what makes it harder is that all of them look human on the outside."

Tifa looked at her sideways. "And you want to go back to this place?" she asked unthinkingly. "Why?"

"Well…" Ranma thought of a way to put it into words. "...It's home," she said simply. She then turned to Tifa and grinned. "Also, far as I can tell, your world doesn't have chocolate."

Tifa blinked suddenly. "...the hell is chocolate?"

"I rest my case."

The rest of that conversation was cut short as Aerith pulled back the changing room curtain. Dressed immaculately in a strappy mid-length red dress, her normally braided hair was hanging loose from her pink bow. A pair of glossy red flats peeked out from the ruffled hem every couple steps. "How do I look?" she asked.

Ranma smiled despite herself. "Not bad," she admitted. "Give me your stuff, I'll carry it."

Aerith gratefully handed Ranma her staff and a small satchel containing her normal clothing. Ranma performed a complicated movement with her arms, and the staff and bag disappeared. "Wait," she asked, confused. "Where did they go?"

Ranma repeated the action, and the bag and staff were once again in her hands. "I'll be honest," she said, smiling awkwardly, "I don't even get how this one works, but it does. Tifa, anything you want me to carry?"

Tifa grinned and stood up. "Nah, I've got my gloves… concealed… my own way. Okay, girls," she said, pulling Ranma to her feet. "We've got work to do."

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Wall Market was named for, unsurprisingly, the twenty-odd-meter tall concrete wall between Sectors 6 and 7. There was a great deal of late-night bar-room-philosopher debate as to the reason for the wall, as no other lower sector contained such a physical division between two areas. Despite the debate, the actual reason for the wall was, perhaps unsurprisingly, mundane. In short, Shinra built the wall, and then promptly forgot about it as they went on to do other things.

The Corneo estate enclosed the far back of Wall Market, and the rear of the main structure was flush with the eponymous wall. The wall itself provided a neat barrier between Wall Market as a whole and Midgar's central pillar, which also blocked most of the noise from the periodic trains and coal smoke from permeating the air. Coupled with the fact that the Sector 6 plate was still under construction nearly fifty years after Midgar had been founded, which allowed clean air to circulate freely, and Wall Market was actually one of the better pieces of real estate in the Midgar slums.

It turned out that getting past security at the Corneo estate was fairly simple, as long as you were female. The three women walked up to the main gate, and Tifa introduced themselves to the gate guard as "tonight's competition." Apparently, that was sufficient, as they were all three immediately ushered into the main hall.

Which was quite possibly the gaudiest building in the entire world.

The entire interior had been built in a blind mockery of Wutaian architecture, with visible surfaces painted bright red or covered in gold leaf, and an enormous sweeping staircase on one side that appeared to be painted with obscene murals along the outside. Doors and carpets were instead sliding panels and tatami mats, and an enormous gold-plated gong with Corneo's name stood near the stairwell.

If it weren't for the sheer mind-bending, vomit-inducing delusion of grandeur the building radiated, Ranma might have actually felt strangely at home. As it was, she was suppressing the urge to break things. She stood to one side, leaning against the wall with her hands in the pocket of her leather jacket, while Corneo's lackey, a thug named Scotch, drooled over the three of them and attempted to inflate his importance.

After several minutes of politely repelling Scotch's grabby hands, Corneo himself arrived. Dressed in a simple white t-shirt and faded denim jeans, he wore a bright red overcoat with fur trim on the sleeves and lower hem, clearly aspiring to some image of royalty. His blonde hair was shaved on either side of his head, and coiffed into some bizarre combination of a pompadour and comb-over on top. One side of his shaved head had a heart tattoo with the word 'Love' scrawled over top of it.

"Oh, and what loveliness do we have this evening?" he called out from the second floor balcony, a voice that managed to screech despite the gravelly tone that accompanied years of alcohol and tobacco. "Scotch, bring the ladies upstairs!" And with that, he retreated out of sight of the foyer.

"This way, ladies!" Scotch said, his voice somehow conspiring to contain a leer in it. He stepped up the staircase and held open the sliding door at the top of the balcony, gesturing for the trio to step in.

The reception area, for lack of a better term, was no less gaudily appointed, but also covered in dirty clothes and beer bottles. The trashy overtones removed even the artificial sense of magnificence the foyer was imbued with. Another, smaller gong of what appeared to be heavily verdigrised copper stood near the far end of the room. Corneo stood behind it and ogled the three women as they entered, taking a long drag on his cigar as he did so.

"My goodness, Scotch, where do they keep churning out these gorgeous women?" Corneo said out loud, appearing not to address any of the women directly. He vaulted clumsily over the small gong, and began pacing back and forth in front of them, taking it in turn to examine each of them. "Such beauty, the splendor, so magnificent!" he shouted at various points. "But which one shall I take for the evening?"

Ranma hunched her jacket over her shoulder unenthusiastically, her gaze settling down and away from the crime lord, making no effort to conceal her boredom. Tifa did her best to retain at least the illusion of enthusiasm, but her patience was clearly eroding under the man's constant remarks. Aerith nervously glanced between Ranma and Corneo, clearly unnerved by the proximity of the criminal, and did her best to appear demure.

"Aha!" Corneo shouted. "I've made my decision!" He ran around the room once in excitement, and stopped again in front of one of the three. "This one! Scotch, you and your men may… ahem, entertain yourselves with the others."

All three women shared a significant look.

Aerith had been selected.

A/N: Betcha weren't expecting that. Yes, it probably would have been funnier if Ranma had been selected, but... eh. I get my laughs elsewhere.

I know I'm probably going to get flak for this in the comments, but I honestly was never that much amused by the crossdressing scene in FF7. It's not that I think Cloud's too macho to pull it off; if anything, the official renders of him as the art improved over the last twenty years only make him look more androgynous after a fashion. That being said, my reasons for not liking the scene are about the same as my reasons for not liking the movie Some Like It Hot; I don't think crossdressing should be a punchline. I'm not gonna soapbox on the subject here (because I could probably write a couple thesis-length papers on the topic at this point), but that's how I feel. Having said that, I admit I'm subjecting Ranma to it instead is a bit hypocritical, but at the same time, he's at least had prior experience with the matter.

The technique Ranma uses here to conceal the bag and staff is an adaptation of the Joketsuzoku Hidden Weapons Style, which is used primarily by Mousse in Ranma 1/2. On paper, it allows a trained user to conceal a truly absurd amount of weapons and objects on their person, as long as they are wearing at least some clothing, and call upon them at will. In practice, it's hammerspace as a martial art. Ranma is not a trained user, but this version of him has picked up enough of it over his repeated exposure to Mousse's BS to be able to pull off a version of the basic technique.

Other references abound here! "Do not mistake composure for ease" is lifted from Star Trek Voyager, a line spoken by Tuvok when someone asked him about how he always looked composed no matter what happened around him. "You guys don't have chocolate" is paraphrased from Farscape, as a flippant answer to why John Crichton wants to go back to his single, plague-ridden, war-torn planet. Corneo's mansion is canonically built along a Wutaian aesthetic, though as you probably recall it looked like a garbage fest of tacky gold.

Ranma's red outfit here was, originally, intended to be a reference to Blaze Fielding's outfit from the Streets of Rage series of beat-em-ups on the Sega Genesis. I say 'originally' because after I wrote this chapter, I was doing more research and I found an image that Yoshitaka Amano, longtime character artist for the FF series, had made of Tifa during the early concept works. And... yeah, it's basically this outfit. Like with the story joining up at chapter 7, I can only claim serendipity.

Also... seriously. Where in Minerva's name did Cloud hide that damn sword of his during the original scene, anyway? It's not like it was gonna fit under his dress.

Hope you like it! Comments and feedback welcome!