Over the next few days I spent every minute on the reservation. I hung out on the beach with Emily and a few of the guys. Emily and I had become close. She reminded me of a mom. She looked after a lot of the children and teens. I think because she was so young, she had a bit of a connection with them, especially the teenagers. She showed me some new recipes that she knew Charlie would love. I also learned of interesting tribal stories. Most of the nights were the same. Usually I would be watching movies with Jacob and laughing at the cheesy acting. He had gone from just being Billy's son, to my close friend. It was such a sudden friendship. Like usually "best friend" status comes to people that have been friends for a long time, but not our friendship. I felt like I could tell him anything, well mostly everything. He was so easy to talk to. I told him about the break up and what it had done to me.. He comforted me for a bit and then did the stereotypical best friend role and told me I was way better without him. Jacob made everything seem lighter. When I was with him, I was actually happy. He made me smile. It was like all of my pain would go away when I was around him... until bedtime.
Jacob would almost always fall asleep within 3 minutes of his head touching his pillow. He snored but luckily it was quiet. Pretty soon it would become background noise. That was when I would be brought back to my painful reality. The gaping, painful hole would start to open up. I would feel so sick and I would curl up on my side and wrap my arms around myself. In one way I was happy to have a distraction for the day. But the pain I felt at night when I was left to my own thoughts was sometimes almost too much. It was like reliving that night over and over again.
On Friday Jacob took me to a movie. It was some cheesy action film that probably would have been good if I had paid attention to it. But I was lost in thought. This movie somehow reminded me of the cullens, specifically Emmet. He also loves this type of cheesiness. When the movie was over, Jake came up to me, closer than he normally would. He looked so awkward and shy.
"Bella..." he sighed and looked at the floor, running his fingers through his hair.
"Jacob.." I felt this rise of fear. I couldn't explain why I felt this way but it was like a lump was forming in my throat. "What's wrong? Are you ok? You're looking like you just saw a ghost." I tried to make light of the situation but instead of giving me his signature crooked smile, he turned even more red. What was going on?!
He paused, like he was trying to pick his words carefully. "Bella, I know that we have become close friend. I even consider you my best friend.." I smiled at him confirming that I felt the same. "I want to be more though" my heart dropped. This could not be happening. I felt like all the good moments that we had had together were slowly being ripped apart.
"Bella, I could treat you right. I would never leave you. I would take care of you and make you happy! Just please consider it." He looked at me desperately, waiting for my answer.
"J-j-Jake... I-Thi-We..." I tried to talk but my words wouldn't come. I started panicking and I said the first thing that came into mind. "I need to use the bathroom!"
"Oh.. ok then. I will just wait for you here." I could tell that my response wasn't what he wanted to hear. In fact he looked broken. I wanted to comfort him but instead I turned and hurried into the bathroom.
When I made it into the bathroom, I let all my emotions out. Tears silently fell from my eyes. I tried to take a deep breath but nothing was coming out. I was having a panic attack. I went to the sink and splashed some water on my face. The water helped a bit but it didn't completely fix my anxiety. I tried to clear my head.
What should I do? I never thought I would love anyone else. Yes I loved Jake but I wasn't in love with him. Was I? Could I learn to love him? That wouldn't be fair. I would basically be using him to fill a void. He deserved to be with someone who actually loved him romantically. He deserved to feel real love like I had once felt with Edward.. at least I thought I did.
After I dried my face off, I slowly walked out of the bathroom and to where Jake was sitting. He was clutching our tub of popcorn like it was the only thing keeping him here. His face was red and he looked a mixture of hurt, sadness and surprisingly angry.
"I'm just gonna go, Bella. I see some of my friends here so I'll just catch a ride with them.. I need to be alone for a while. You can still go back to my place if you want.." and before I could say anything, he ran off toward the exit.
I stood there in shock. What had just happened? I didn't mean to hurt him. I tried to call him but he kept denying my calls. I sent him a text apologizing and the only response I got was "please stop calling and texting me. Leave me be! I'll talk to you later. - j"
I finally made my way to my rusty old truck. I didn't really know where to go. I could t go back to Jacob's empty house. I couldn't face him.. the only place I could go was back home. Luckily my drive was only about 20 minutes away.
The house was dark when I reached it. The only light was the safety light that was motion activated. Even though I knew it was there, I still jumped when it flashed on. After steadying myself, I went inside.
I slowly walked up my stairs. I was on auto pilot. Before I knew it, I was in my room. I just stood in the center of the room and looked around. I decided that I needed a shower. I was hoping to wash all this stress off me. I made my way into the bathroom, stripped down and got in. As the boiling water washed over me, I thought of tonight's events. I was angry. Angry that Jacob would just ambush me in a public place. He knew that my break up with Edward was still weighing on my heart. He held me as I cried into his shirt in a moment of weakness when I let my walls down.
Then came confusion. Did I somehow lead him on? True, I would sometimes snuggle up to him when we watched movies and I would hold onto his arm when we walked along the beach. I thought it was because he was being a gentleman.. could that have been considered something more? Then panic and fear.
I had hurt my best friend. I should have tried to talk to him instead of running away to the bathroom to cry. I honestly didn't know what I would say to him but I bet if I communicated with him, he might have given me time to consider and think about things. I couldn't believe what I had done.
I let out a sob. Finally after the water turned cold, I got out. I quickly dried off and got ready for bed. I checked my phone one last time but there was still no call or text from Jake. I curled up under my covers, bringing my knees to my chest. I loudly sobbed as I mourned the loss of everyone I loved. My second family, the love of my life and now my best friend.. as I lay in bed, having cried all I could, I whispered to myself "things will be better in the morning" then sleep took over and I fell into a horrible dream filled with monsters and loss.