The next few weeks were a blur. I was back on autopilot again. I would get up, go to class, come home, do homework, tidy up and go to bed. The tiny bit of weight that i had gained at the reservation and the drop of color in my face was gone. I looked like a ghoul. I had stopped eating again. I refused to look in the mirror because I was afraid what I might see. I would always cover the bathroom mirror with a towel at home so i wouldnt have to see the zombie that wore my face. At first, Charlie would always remove the towel but since i did it every day, he gave up.

I could tell by the second week, that there was something wrong with me just by the way people would stare at me. They would give me the side eyeor sometimes just openly stare. i even had a few fingers pointed at me. i felt like a sideshow circus performer. Their faces were of concern and disgust. i didnt know what was worse, being pittied or being disgusting. The whispers were the cherry on top.. I couldn't be mad at them though, I was doing all of this to myself.

Angela had gone from occasionally talking to me to just waving in the halls. I knew she kept her word though. The rumors of my problems now were just as insane as the first time I heard them. I missed her so much but I couldn't blame her. I was a shitty friend.

I was somehow getting great grades still. My autopilot must be smart because I was getting As in everything. Well except PE which was a lower grade than it was before because my autopilot was just as clumsy as I was. Tripping and bringing down half the class with you makes your grades bad..

I hadn't checked my phone since I put it in my drawer. The battery was already pretty low and I didn't charge it so it ended up dying probably the next day. I had no reason to use it. the people i used it with had left my life. I hardly used any social media and since my mom passed away, I had no reason to check my email. The only real interaction I had with anyone other than my dad was when I would go out to the store or to school.

As the weeks went on, I started thinking about my phone. One day, I felt this weird urge to look at it. I knew I was just hoping that Jacob would come back. I knew that if I looked at it and he hadn't said anything to me, it would crush me. But the urge to check my phone got bigger and bigger, like something was begging me to look at it.. so on Friday before school I took my phone out of the drawer and plugged it in so it would be charged when I got home.

As i stared at the dead phone, I thought about ditching school. I really wanted to wait for my phone to turn back on but I knew I couldn't. I had to go to class. With one last glance at my phone, I dragged myself down the stairs and into the car. Before I knew it, I was at school.

School seemed to go by slower than usual. I kept looking at the clock and was disappointed when only a few minutes had past. Every class was so boring, even my autopilot self wasnt paying attention. I distracted myself by daydreaming. I thought about the positive first. I pictured Jacob writing me, begging for forgiveness or at least understanding. I thought about him explaining his behavior and coming over to talk and hang out. It was so real that i actually smiled and got a bit excited. But since I thought about the positive, I thought about the negative things too. What if there was no text from him or no voicemail? What if he only left another hateful message? Or a goodbye note? I sent myself into a mini panic attack when thinking of all the negatives.

Finally the bell rang. I hurried to my car as fast as possible but when I got in the truck, I froze. I suddenly didn't want to go. I was scared. I didn't know if what would be waiting for me at home would be good or bad. I could be headed towards relief or despair. I took a deep breath and drove home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I pulled up my drive way. I slowly got out and walked to the front door. Once inside I made my way up the stairs and into my bedroom. There my phone was sitting exactly where I left it now charged to 100%. I picked it up and looked at it. i thought about my daydreams earlier. i thought about what i would do if he apologized. what would i say? It didnt matter.. i would always forgive him. No matter what he said to me, he would always be forgiven. I held down the power button and the light flashed on.

Within minutes, my phone started exploding with messages. Thid was so overwhelming, i thought about just throwing the phone back into the drawer but i was desperate to know what he had to say. with shaky hands I pushed the menu button and scrolled down to Messages. I saw that I had almost 30 texts messages from Jacob, a few from classmates and a couple from an unknown number. My voicemails were Jacob, a few of his friends, Emily and even Billy. I decided to read the messages first.

The first message was pretty tame. "Bella, im sorry for what I said but it was true. I can't keep caring about just your feelings if you don't care about mine."

Then "Bella, my dad just told me what your father said, is that true? Do you agree with him?"

Bella, what is going on? Why are you acting like this?"

"Bella, answer the phone please! I just want to talk!"

"Bella, did you block me? What the hell?!"

i didnt know how to respond. I wanted to stop but i needed to keep reading.

"Bella, answer your phone or I will never speak to you again!"

"Bella, you are so childish! You are causing so many problems right now! What's the point in trying to talk to you?"

"Bella, you are a selfish little bi*ch! How can you throw away a friendship just because I sent you an honest text?"

"I'm done bella! I'm finished with you! I can't believe I thought you were a good person."

The messages got meaner and meaner. It finally ended with him telling me to go k!ll myself, and that he was blocking me. I was in so much shock. I couldn't believe this was coming from Jacob, a man that just a month earlier was telling me how much he loved me and how he would never abandon me. panic started to wash over me.

I then listened to all the voicemails. Jacobs were pretty much the same as what were in the texts. Somehow hearing him say these things was way more devastating than just reading them.. the voicemails from his friends were them pleading with me to just listen to what Jacob had to say. I wished I could show them what Jacob said. They would not believe it otherwise. Emily's was stern but more understanding. She also begged me to answer one of jacobs messages. Then her last message was a frantic phone call because she found out from Billy what Jacob told me to do with myself. That was sent 3 days ago..

Billy was just calling to check up on us. He was trying to be calm, asking about both Charlie and I. I knew he was just trying to make sure I was still alive. I knew though that if he was actually concerned about Charlie, he would have called his cell phone or the house phone. He practically knew my dad's schedule by heart.

I just sat there. I was hurt. I was numb. I wish I could just take Jacob's advice and end it. My best friend hated me. I lost the love of my life and now I have officially lost my best friend. I kept thinking about the second to last voicemail that Jacob sent.

"You really are a worthless bi*ch. You are a c*nt. You are nothing but trash. No wonder that freak left you. No wonder why his whole freak family up and left you. You are a disgusting human being."

I was shaking. I knew it was true. I'm worthless. I didn't have anything or anyone. I deserved to die. I wanted to... didn't I?

I I thought back on my life. All the bad things really outweighed the good. My mom passing, the rumors, my boyfriend leaving, losing both my best friends, losing my one friend at school.. almost everything good in my life had gone. The 1 good thing I could think of is that in this short time, I have grown closer to Charlie.

Charlie..

I knew it would devastate him if I followed through with jacob's wishes. It might even break him. But luckily for him, he still had his best friend. He still had a few good friends that would be able to be there to pick up the pieces if I left.

I continued to sit there staring into nothingness until I heard the phone ring. I looked at the alarm clock by my bed and saw it was 4:45. Charlie was calling to check up on me I bet.

I hurried down stairs and before I answered the phone, I cleared my throat and put on a fake smile. Even though he couldn't see me, I felt like he needed to hear me somewhat happy, even if it was fake.

I grabbed the phone "hello?"

I heard charlie sigh. I was a bit confused but I didn't bring it up. "Hey Bella, where were you?"

"Sorry dad, I was in the bathroom. I was just about to take a shower"

"Oh.." I could picture charlie turning red. It made me smile. "Oops sorry bells, I just wanted to make sure you were home.. I wanted to let you know that I will probably be staying at least an hour or two late. I have lots of paperwork to catch up on."

"That's ok dad. Stay as long as you need. I'll just be doing homework and some tidying up around the house. I'll try and have dinner ready when you come home. Any requests?"

"Ooh I don't know Bells, could we possibly have spaghetti? I love all your cooking so much but your spaghetti is one of my favorites!"

I smiled and blushed. I had a love/hate relationship when people complimented me or something I did. I hated the attention but I secretly loved the compliments. It gave me a bit of pride. "Sure dad. Spaghetti actually sounds good right now."

We finished up our conversation and he hung up. I was again alone in this empty house. I sighed, got out my homework and started it. Then before I knew it, I was done. It took me 20 minutes. It was a new record.

I did the laundry and then took out the ingredients to make one of my fathers favorite meals. I put the packaging of ground beef under the hot water to defrost it and prepared the noodles. As I was starting to climb the stairs to my room, I heard a knock on the door..