8/11/2013 (Last edited on 09/16/2018 - Forgot to add an important footnote. X_X Sorry.) – I'm finally back. ^_^ Sorry for all of the delays. X_X Events in my life and a writer's block has made it difficult for me to write these past few months. I do apologize for the long wait and for the possibility of this chapter not being up to my usual standards. Hopefully, I can get back into the groove of writing soon…
Hello, people of FanFiction dot net. I'm back again with the next chapter of my very first fanfic. Thank you for all the reviews, everyone! (50 as of this chapter) ^_^ As the author of this story, I'm happy to see reviews being left behind. It motivates me to continue on with this story of mine. ^_^ For those who don't already know, I do personally respond to every single review that is left behind for my story. I figure that it's the least I can do as the author of this fanfic and communicate with my readers. Even though some of the character's personalities might/will be slightly altered for the sake of my fanfic, I'll try to remain faithful to their overall "spirit" that was portrayed in the anime series. Clannad is my favorite anime series of all time, so I felt compelled to write a story of my own. I hope you enjoy it. And once again, any feedback that you can provide would be nice and very appreciated. ^_^ And with that, here is chapter 8:
Paragraphs in italics denote a flashback. Single words in italics / single words in regular print during a flashback denote emphasis and should be read as such.
Chapter rated T for: Language, sexual themes, thematic material, and violence.
Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance/Slice of Life
Pairing(s): (At the moment) Tomoya x Ryou (Of course, they're only pretending to be a couple for Tomoya's plan, but it still counts.)
Crossover(s): ／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼...
Author's Note #1: In regards to the pairings: for Tomoya, the Harem option is winning with 15 votes! (Guess people really want to see Tomoya with ALL the girls! XD) Meanwhile, for Sunohara, Tomoyo is winning with 9 votes. How interesting…
Author's Note #2: In regards to chapter length and whose perspective this chapter is told from, I'll be attempting something a little… different from usual. This chapter will be shorter than the usual long length that the chapters have been up until now. As for who's narrating, let's see how long it'll take you to figure it out. It'll become obvious after a certain point…
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Clannad-related, even though I wished I did...And from here on out, I do not own any series/movies/video games that I might make references to or decide to make any crossovers with as well.
Clannad ~Different Days~
-The Everyday Arc-
Vague Synopsis - It's not quite the same story that you might remember, even if it feels strangely familiar. A different world, different relationships, different events...different days...
Chapter 8 – An Emotional Concept
Love… such a simple word but it's far from being a simple concept. Anybody with some capacity for kindness and compassion knows this the most, sometimes to an unfortunate fault. Having never dated anyone before in my entire life, the concept of love was alien to me, a mere afterthought as I went about my everyday life. There was also the fact… that I had some secrets of my own, secrets that I didn't want anyone else to know about. To be in a romantic relationship with someone, I would have to trust that person with everything. Nothing would go unnoticed. Everything in my life, including my past, would be an unlocked door for them to slowly open and simply walk through without knocking first. If I could help it, I didn't want anyone to get close to me, for fear that they wouldn't accept my past as a part of who I was today. It was one thing to know what happened to me back then; it's another to fully understand the events that have come to define me and accept everything that it entails. No one at school really knew this, though the occasional gossip popped up every now and again as whispered chatters throughout the hallways. I had done my best to start over, to make a new life, to walk proudly into the future with unwavering optimism beating inside me. Whether or not I would be walking side by side with someone that I deeply care about… and love… was another story entirely.
The light in the sky… it was gradually fading, its color becoming noticeably darker with each passing minute of the day. The sun was beginning to dip below the horizon as the heavens filled with hues of red and orange and every shade in between. Black was in the sky as well, furthest away from the sun, a constant reminder that nightfall was approaching soon. I was walking in silence with a certain friend, side by side, my gaze remaining fixed on its forward path. The two of us were walking down a street that was gradually sloping downward as it was built on a steep hill. It was our usual routine for a while now, walking home from school together like this. But today, today felt… a little different somehow. Normally, the two of us would just walk together, making idle chitchat to pass the time, separating once we reached a certain road, but right now, we were heading towards a hill that overlooked the town of Hikarizaka. It was most likely the fact that I had divulged a little secret to this friend of mine that he became a little more curious about me. To be honest, we had only recently become closer friends, but there was plenty that the two of us didn't know about the other person. And yet, despite that unfamiliarity, I felt… that I could trust him with this story that I was about to tell him, as if he were a best friend who I've known my entire life, who I shared all of my secrets with. I couldn't explain how… or why… but there was something… special… about him, something that I couldn't sense in other guys that I could in him. I felt that I could believe in him; I wanted to believe in him.
Though it may sound presumptuous for me to confess this, and I know that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but you can tell a lot about a person based on their mannerisms, from the way they talk, the way they act, the way their bodies and faces react to certain things. I know that not everyone who approaches me has the most pure of intentions when they try to talk to me, especially if they're a guy, but Tomoya… I never once felt a bad vibe from him at all. Despite the fact that the two of us were going to this hill… alone… with the sun fading soon, leaving us by ourselves… in almost total darkness, I didn't feel that he would ever try anything perverted on me. I did have a slight discomfort building up inside of me, but I didn't let it get to me. I could physically defend myself just fine; that wasn't an issue. What had me a little worried was whether or not my assumptions about Tomoya would prove to be true, that he really was a true gentleman. The last thing that I would want…was for my faith in my friend to be completely shattered. To pour all that trust in him, only for it to be mistakened for impure intentions, it would've killed me inside. Yesterday morning, despite the fact the fact that I was happy that Tomoya was holding me tenderly in his arms, a part of me was afraid… of how he might have taken advantage of that situation, of how he could have started whispering sweet nothings into my ear, slowly seducing my heart, gradually stripping me of my clothes until I was left completely naked before his eyes, and had his way with me. If Tomoya and I were lovers, that wouldn't have been a problem, but at the moment, we were just friends. I felt a tinge of guilt for thinking that my friend was capable of something so devious, but at the same time, there was no denying that such a scene I found to be… erotic and pleasing to my senses. Despite that, I wanted to believe in my friend, to believe that his kindness was of a virtuous sort and nothing shallow like just wanting to have sex with me… because…
…I think… I love him.
Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one who was in love with him. I didn't know how this problem was going to be resolved at all, but I knew that it wasn't going to fix itself. Regardless of how many girls were after Tomoya's heart, it was obvious that he was the one who was stressed out the most over this whole mess. I could only fathom the toll it was taking on his mind. I wondered if he even wanted to be in a relationship with anyone, especially given the tensions between him and his father. I could relate to what he was going through in a way. I guess you could say that we were kindred spirits, unknowingly drawn to each other by the similarities of our past circumstances. I wanted to be there for Tomoya, to let him know that even if his other friends couldn't personally relate to what he was going through, at the very least, I could.
"Hey, Tomoyo?" I was baffled that he broke the silence between the two of us so suddenly. It caught me off guard for several moments before I had the chance to muster a response.
"What is it?"
"If you don't mind me asking, where is this spot anyway?" I couldn't help but serenely smile at his curiosity. That was one thing that drew me to Tomoya.
"Just let me lead the way. All you have to do is follow me."
"Uh, okay?" There was a slight confusion in his voice, which I couldn't help but quietly laugh at. His facial expression remained unchanged, still vexed by my rather random question. I didn't know where this exact spot we were heading towards was located. I was merely following some unexplained feeling of intuition that was inside of me. Or maybe I had been to this spot long ago and had forgotten ever since. Walking for several more paces, brushing aside some of the branches of the nearby shrubs and bushes, we came to a small clearing, a hill that overlooked the town of Hikarizaka. Figuring that the serene sight would be a perfect backdrop for the conversation that we were about to have, I decided that here was where we were going to stop. I noticed the grass in the area was actually cut and maintained, unlike the unruly mess that we had encountered just moments before. Perhaps this specific spot was a small tourist attraction for Hikarizaka; I couldn't say for sure.
"Wow." It was a whispered utterance, but one I could hear clear as day.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" I turned to Tomoya, smiling softly, as I proceeded to sit down, adjusting the bottom of my navy blue skirt so that my butt would have been safeguarded from the grass beneath me.
"Yeah, it is." Tomoya took his place a few feet away from me, sitting to my right. I was surprised that there was so much space between the two of us, but in a way, I was sort of relieved. Him sitting next to me would have made me unbearably nervous. We sat there in the grass in complete silence, on a hill that overlooked the city, just admiring the sun's beauty. The chirping of birds could be heard echoing through the trees. After mulling things over in my mind for several more moments, I finally worked up the nerve to begin talking… about who I was.
"Okazaki, what were you like in the past?" I kept staring at the town that was off in the distance, unable to establish eye contact with Tomoya. I could only imagine that he was doing the same thing too.
"Average, I guess."
"I was... a rebel… Why do we rebel?" My eyes blinked once in sudden realization of the question that had slipped out of my mouth. I found myself slightly tilting my head slightly toward the right, still unable to fully look him straight on, but out of the corner of my right eye, I saw that Tomoya was looking towards the ground, contemplative as ever. "Or, if you wanna look at it in another way, what is it that stops people from rebelling?"
My question broke him out of his daze as his eyes briefly met mine, our heads turning to face each other ever so slightly. "Hm? Maybe talent? 'Cause if you're talented, it's obvious what you should do with yourself. You have a path to follow, you know?"
"Good answer, but what if you can't find your talent?"
"Huh, maybe... love?" Hearing him say the word love…it made my heart skip a full beat right then and there.
"I see. I think that one's a good answer too. But in my case, the answer that I found is family. For the sake of your family, you try to restrain yourself."
"That might be true for some people, but what if your family is the reason you rebel in the first place?"
"When I say "family," I don't necessarily mean your real family. It could be your friends instead. All that matters is that you have something like a family to support you. Of course I-I don't expect everyone to feel the same way, but this is the answer I've found for myself at least." I stopped momentarily, wanting to sort through my thoughts and mentally preparing myself for this story that I was about to tell him. Taking one long, deep breath, I steeled myself, staring off into the picturesque distance…as I began to tell my history.
"Growing up, my parents never seemed to get along. There wasn't even an ounce of warmth between them. There was nothing at all. They didn't even bother to fight. Neither of them were to blame. It's just that as time went on, little misunderstandings turned into big grudges and before they realized it, their relationship had fallen apart." I wondered… whether or not that was the inevitable fate that would befall any couple who no longer loved each other. It was a saddening thought to me, how two people in love could come to resent each other like that so much.
"Back then, I used to rebel all the time. I took out my anger and frustration on anyone I could find. I was such a weak person." Weak was such an understatement... to describe how terrible I used to be long ago...
Like Tomoya, my home situation was just as bad as his, if not even worse. On days or nights where I became really irritated by the presence of my parents, I found myself sneaking out of the house to get away from the madness. For kicks and for wanting to do something… productive with my abnormal strength, I found myself kicking the crap out of anyone who remotely resembled a troublemaking thug. I remember one incident where I temporarily lost control of my anger and slightly went overboard. Back then, I was usually in a foul mood, but on that day, I was more irritated than I usually was, although I couldn't remember why.
I was roaming about the town one evening, searching for any guy who was causing any sort of trouble. I had been strolling around one street after another for an hour or so at that point, but had yet to spot anything to remotely resembled trouble. Fortunately… or unfortunately, trouble had a habit of finding me. The moment I heard a set of footsteps that were not my own hitting the concrete in a quietly grating manner, I knew that I wasn't alone. I kept my gaze fixed forward, not wanting to arouse any suspicion from the guys who were following me from behind. The prey was about to become victim to its predator… and I was determined to have my fun that evening. I could've outrun them with relative ease, avoiding a fight that would've been unnecessary, but I was too pissed to think rationally. All my mind could focus on was ridding myself of my anger, through any immediate means.
My cautious eyes caught sight of an alley. Turning right into it, my walking pace began to slightly quicken. I could hear the guys following behind me matching my speed. They were beginning to grow suspicious now. The small alley eventually led out onto another street. I made a sharp left turn before breaking out into a full-out sprint. The footsteps behind me were beginning to close the gap that existed between us. I eventually found myself running into an alley that proved to be a dead end for me. Slowly turning my head around to face the guys who chased me, I noticed four guys, overconfident smug grins plastered on their faces. They were probably looking for me out of revenge for some other guys whose asses I might've kicked.
I stared at them with cold, indifferent eyes. With the narrow alley, they were unable to approach me all at once, which gave me an advantage. One had the courage to meet me head on, but my right foot met his stomach, knocking the wind out of him, causing his limp body to crash into his buddies. With one of them unconscious and the other three recovering from the initial shock of what had transpired, it took little time to deal with the other. I was about to walk away from the entire scene, until I heard a faint moaning coming the very first guy who I had confronted. I slowly walked over towards him, standing over his body, waiting for any sort of response from him. Growing impatient, the tip of my right shoe gently flipped over his body until he was lying on his back. My sapphire eyes met his hazel, his being barely able to stay open. I could hear him harshly whispering words of insult to me.
"…You… bi—" The soles of my shoe collided with his stomach immediately as a deafening cry rang through the air. He was coughing profusely from the pain, small spats of saliva and blood intermixed together, escaping from his mouth and landing on the concrete. It was rather obvious what he was saying, and I didn't want to hear it one bit.
"What…" Wanting to avoid inflicting any serious injuries, yet wanting the prick to suffer at the same time, I moved my foot from his stomach to his knee...
"…did…" …and slammed it down with indignant fury…
"…you…" …again…
"…just…" …and again…
"…say?!" …and again…
"Just…" …and again…
"…leave…" …and again…
"…me…" …and again…
"…alone!" …and again.
His screams of anguished pain reverberated through the streets but no help came to him. I was surprised that there was no one around to witness this, but I suppose that was a good thing for me. And yet, at the same time, there was a pervading sense of guilt filling my soul every time my foot met his knee. A part of me wanted to be able to scream my lungs out until they hurt, but I had no other form of release for my frustrations than what I had now. Eventually, I stopped, my anger having subsided for the most part. I felt that he had suffered enough, but I realized that my anger was slowly corroding my soul.
I took pride in my violence… and I was too angry to care. It was the only thing in my life back then that I had some semblance of control over. And yet, a small part of me feared that I was slowly becoming the same kind of monsters that I swore to protect from the innocent...
"But finally, someone opened my eyes. It was my little brother. He was always quiet and reserved. But if you got to know him, he was very kind-hearted. He was a good kid, but I was a bad sister to him. When I think back on it, I never once saw him smile." I remember coming home one day and Takafumi was just waiting for me right outside of my house. There was a depressingly somber look on his face as his gaze fell upon me. The two of us just stood in one spot and stared at each other. Waiting for any kind of response from him to no avail, I made my way past him without any sort of acknowledgement of his presence there. He moved to the side to get away from me, and briefly our eyes made contact again. In that instant when our eyes met, I saw two things within Takafumi: fear and desperation. The fear… that most likely came from me. Considering the scowl that was usually on my face, I couldn't blame him feeling slightly intimidated by me. The desperation, on the other hand… back then, I was so caught up in my own troubles that I never considered how my younger brother took this entire mess. He always kept quiet most of the time, so I couldn't really tell what was on his mind. Little did I understand… that Takafumi was suffering the most out of everyone in our family… and what he would eventually come to do… spoke volumes about the amount of pain he had been carrying inside of himself after all that time.
"Two years ago, my parents reached their breaking point and decided to get a divorce. As a result, my brother and I were locked in a bitter custody battle. I was ready for the whole ordeal to be over, so I didn't care either way, but he was still young, and couldn't deal with it. He put his foot down and refused to go with either of them. It was the first time he had ever spoken up about the whole situation. And then..." I hesitated for a minute… before I explained to Tomoya… what my brother decided to go through with.
"...he jumped?"
"Yeah. He said if my parents were going to get a divorce, he would jump off a bridge… and he did." I still remember seeing my younger brother hanging onto the ledge of the bridge, tears streaming down his face. That look of desperation that I saw on his face days ago, everything began to click in my mind. He had been contemplating about this for a while, but I was too blind, too arrogant to even notice my brother's suffering. Our eyes met once more, like it did that one day, only now did I understand what Takafumi was trying to tell me. Unconsciously, I found myself taking one step forward, my right arm reaching out to grab him before he did the unthinkable, but by that point, he had already released his grasp on the railing. I stared in absolute error as I watched my brother's body plunge into the flowing river beneath us. I called out to him in anguish as I found myself jumping headfirst into the river to save him. My brother was ready to pay the ultimate price just to save our pitiful family. If someone like him could do it with any hesitation, I should be able to do the same. And, as selfish as it may be for me to admit this, I wanted to redeem myself in Takafumi's eyes, for neglecting him after all that time. It was my turn… to be a decent, older sibling.
Unless Tomoya got curious and personally asked for details surrounding this incident, I was going to leave this part of the story out of my conversation. I didn't want him to know that I too was almost at death's door like my brother was. It was dark outside, with only the occasional street lamp offering some light through the blackness. Even so, jumping into that river felt was a certain kind of hell, like an endless oblivion that stretched out before my eyes. The moment my body entered the water, a sudden shock overtook my entire being. My arms and legs suddenly felt numb for a moment, almost to the point of paralysis. The water was freezing to me, numbing me even further. Seeing underwater was all the more difficult due to the lack of adequate light. For the first time in my life, I felt out of my element.
For once, I was vulnerable.
With the rapid current of the river carrying my body downstream, I knew I had to act fast if I wanted to save my brother. Here I was, fighting, defying nature itself to save my own brother. It was that one thought that kept me from being swept away. I took a huge gasp of air the moment my head poked out of the water. My eyes were struggling to adapt to the darkness, focusing on anything that could resemble a human body.
Just in front of me, several meters away, was my brother. He was barely keeping himself afloat in the rushing water. Using the current of the water to propel me forward, I swam my way towards him desperately. As soon as my brother saw me, his right hand reached out for me. I had only a few feet to go before I finally caught up to him, but he was already beginning to sink beneath the surface of the water. Panic soon overtook me on the inside, although I knew I had to stay calm if I wanted this ordeal to end with us both being alive.
Taking one huge deep breath, I dove underwater once more, kicking my feet and fighting the gravitational pressure of the water with my arms to reach Takafumi. He latched onto my body quickly as I made my way topside before the two of us ran out of oxygen. The two of us drew another large gasp of air the moment our heads burst from the water. I immediately made my way towards the bank of the river, swimming as fast as my tired arms would allow me. The added weight of my brother's body on top of my own slowed me down, but I couldn't give up then and there. In the sullen darkness, I saw something that I could grab onto, something that could pull me out of the water. It was a metal railing that ran along the riverwalk. Instinctively wading through the waters, I swam towards it, reaching up to grab it with my right hand, but I had underestimated the difficulty of pulling myself out of the water with my brother clinging onto me. Combined with the current of the river, I was already straining to maintain my hold. I was able to latch onto the railings with my left hand, preventing my brother and I from being swept away further downstream. I remained still for a moment, wondering about the futility of my own strength if I couldn't use to protect someone close to me, to save my little brother. My strength was meaningless unless I truly had a selfish use for it. And then, I knew that I couldn't give up on myself or my brother. With those thoughts in mind, I mustered up all the strength I had within me, pulling myself and Takafumi slowly but surely over the railing. My footing stumbled the moment I landed on the concrete sidewalk, inadvertently taking several steps forward before my body collapsed onto the grass. I felt a great weight leaving my back as my brother landed the next, his breathing heavy and staggered like mine. The last thing I remembered was my mom and dad calling out for the both of us before blackness completely consumed my sight.
But at least, I fell unconscious, knowing that I had saved my little brother. Even if I couldn't hear his words of gratitude, him being alive was more than enough for me.
"To this day, I can't really say why he did it. It's not that he wanted to die or anything. The truth is, I doubt even he understood why he jumped. But regardless of the reason, because of what he did, we were able to become a real family for the first time. All the distance that we had put between each other suddenly seemed to disappear." The four of us were in the same room in that hospital. My parents were crying on my shoulders as we all held hands, silently praying that Takafumi wouldn't die. Even though my brother's body was lying still, being kept alive by a simple ventilator, I wanted to believe that he would make it through this mess, that him trying to throw away his life like that wouldn't have been for naught. I prayed with all of my heart and soul that our family could be given a second chance to start over again, to be able become a loving family that my little brother could be proud of. Whether it was divine intervention from God or not…
"Fortunately, my brother survived the incident. And in the spring, he was released from the hospital. That was when we first walked down this path. I still remember what he said that day: 'I wanna see the cherry blossoms every year as a family!' Of course, I felt the same way. And so did my parents." I would never forget that innocent look that was on my brother's face. My family and I were walking up the sidewalk on this same hill that overlooked the town one early Sunday morning. I was the one pushing the wheelchair that my brother was confined in until his injuries were healed while my parents were following closely from behind. Sakura trees lined the street, as pink petals were drifting through the air, falling from the branches that hung above our heads. As our family was walking up the sidewalk, we turned to look at the scenery before us, soaking in all of its wonder and splendor. Takafumi turned to me and said how he wanted us to come here every year together to see all of the sakura trees in full bloom. I think it was my brother's unrestrained smile, free from all the pain and anguish in his heart…
…that I was finally able to cry. Tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably as my crying became a bittersweet sobbing. My parents wrapped their arms around me as I felt Takafumi's gentle hands cradling my own. For the first time in my life, I felt unburdened from my past.
I took a shallow, quiet breath, wanting to regain my composure after telling Tomoya that whole story. I was too nervous to even bother to look at his face. I could only imagine the look on his face right. It might have been pity or sadness or mortified; I didn't know and I didn't want to find out.
"This town is always changing. But there are still a lot of people here who cherish these cherry blossom trees and don't want to see them go. I'm not the only one. And even if our reasons are different, our feelings are the same. No matter how cold and distant people may become, on the inside, something warm and precious always remains. Something that never changes. To me, that's what family is like."
I did my best to maintain that smile on my face, but on the inside, I wanted to cry. I knew that Tomoya couldn't return these feelings that I had for him. If yesterday was any indication, he already has a girlfriend that he was devoted to. The most I could be to him now… was just a good friend… and nothing more.
Maybe… in another world, in another time, in another life, Tomoya and I… would've been lovers. But, I knew, that in this world, he and I were not meant to be anything more than just friends. It was a depressing thought, fatalistic perhaps. But at the same time, I didn't want to get my hopes up. I had a student council election that I needed to fully concentrate on. Tomoya… would need someone who could be there for him every step of the way, someone who would be there for him when he needed to be comforted from pain. I couldn't be that girl for him. No matter how much a part of me wanted to be in a relationship with him, the promise that I made to my family took precedence over a personal, selfish desire of my own heart.
I brought my knees closer to me, my arms wrapping around my legs tightly, my hands resting on the surface of my shoes, knees pressing against each other firmly. Staring into the sunset solemnly, I couldn't help but feel that this sight was… familiar to me somehow. In my mind, I saw… or imagined myself slightly older, perhaps by a few years, standing on a lovely, windy beach, staring at a sunset with these same eyes, eyes full of longing and sadness. Aside from the difference in scenery, this moment that I had envisioned in my mind was not unlike the time that I was spending with Tomoya right now. Except, there was one big difference: I was all alone. Unlike the present, this future self that I saw of me was devoid of any human company. Everyone had gone their separate ways in life at that point, living out their dreams and their lives… but why was I alone? [1] A part of me probably couldn't move on from him, even after all those years had passed. That melancholic look on my face was a quiet resignation of this loneliness that I was inevitably going to find myself in without Tomoya by my side. It might have sound silly, but I didn't see myself falling for anyone else besides him. He was the only guy that I have met so far who wasn't after me or my body, and that drew my attention, but seeing how he had been relatively distant towards me these past several weeks that I had known him, I had a nagging intuition that my feelings would go unrequited, for one reason or another. Life can be unfair at times, painful as it may be to admit to such an obvious truth. The most a person can do is to just endure it and move on. No matter how much we try to fight against nature or fate, there are times where events are beyond our own control.
Maybe some things in this world… are beyond anyone's control.
Sitting here, my mind was still reeling from everything that Tomoyo had just told me, her history, about the fact that she had problems within her family. I had to repeat everything I heard to commit it to memory, to fully absorb it all. Her parents were constantly arguing with one another. She went around the neighborhood and around this small town, beating up thugs senselessly for two reasons: to protect the innocent and to vent her frustrations with her situation back at home. She had a younger brother, who was a quiet boy, the complete opposite of herself. When her mom and dad threatened to get a divorce, it was through a recklessly bold move that caused the Sakagami family to reconcile with one another. I don't think I have the guts to pull off what he did. Hearing Tomoyo recount her past with me, it became increasingly clear to me that we were birds of a feather. Besides rather obvious feelings of affection that she had been harboring for God knows how long, I realized that another reason that Tomoyo decided to become closer with me was that she could relate to the issues that I had with my father. She really wanted to help me.
Even so, I knew that she had another reason for wanting to help me so much. Every moment that I had shared with Tomoyo up until now, and the fact that we were all alone on this hill, watching the sun gradually fall below the horizon, the romantic undertones behind this whole thing wasn't lost on me one bit. I was flattered, yet filled with dread, dread from knowing that I would have to do the inevitable and turn her down.
Today started off like the typical Monday morning for me. I never liked Mondays, if only for the fact that I was now back in school again. I've never known anyone who genuinely liked Mondays, but I suppose they're out there, somewhere. I was finally back at school again, my suspension having ended today. I was sleeping at my desk until Sunohara woke me up. He told me that someone had vandalized a campaign poster of Tomoyo. After the two of us found a group of students surrounding the bulletin board with the poster graffitied with a black marker, Sunohara asked me what I was going to do to fix this problem.
A few moments later, followed by another several hours later, Tomoyo, Sunohara, and I found ourselves in a baseball match after school. My thinking was that if a basketball game could convince the choir club to share Koumura-san as a club adviser, I thought a baseball game could dispel her image as delinquent. After a seven-inning match, and a mess of face-deforming pitches to Sunohara from Tomoyo, we won the match. I noticed that a crowd had unknowingly gathered around to watch the game unfold, cheering Tomoyo on with vigor and enthusiasm. I guess there were plenty of girls who looked up to her.
As the school day ended and students were heading home from club activities at school, I was waiting for Tomoyo by the front gates while I noticed that several girls were crowded around Tomoyo near the front doors, conversing with her, the topic of their discussions unknown to me since I was too far away to hear. Waiting around for a few minutes more away from plain sight, I noticed Tomoyo running over towards me.
"I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I… ran into a minor distraction."
"Who were those girls anyway?"
"Admirers. Fans. Whatever word you decide to call them, even though they can a little overbearing at times, at least they're sincere. Maybe this plan of cleaning up my image might actually work."
"Here's hoping." Maybe this plan might have a legitimate shot of working, but then again, I didn't really think my plans through thoroughly. I was more of an improvisational person. Maybe it was for the best that I was…
"Hey, Okazaki, could I ask you for a favor?"
"A favor? What kind?"
"Could we… stop by somewhere for a bit?"
"Where did you have in mind?"
"…It's a secret." It was a statement stated matter-of-factly, without any hint of suspicion, except for the withholding of the actual destination itself. A small, gently smile on Tomoyo's face reassured me that it wasn't anything to panic over, but as I sit here thinking back on everything that led up to us being on this hill alone, perhaps her efforts to calm me down did fail in a sense. As we left the school grounds, we made our way down the sloping street. Tomoyo was walking a pace or two ahead of me since she was the one leading me to this unknown destination of ours.
"Thanks to you, all those nasty rumors about me have finally been cleared up. I'm grateful."
"Don't mention it. I'm just doing it for the Drama Club after all."
"I still appreciate it though. Now it looks like my dream might actually come true."
"What dream?"
"Oh, yeah. Guess I haven't mentioned it to you yet, huh? I wanna protect these cherry trees, no matter what."
"Huh?" It was the only response that I could muster and it was done unconsciously, too. With a simple nod of her head, Tomoyo continued on.
"They're planning to cut them all down. Students who know about it are really sad. The neighborhood is also opposed to the plan. If I become the next student council president, then hopefully I can start a movement to save the cherry blossom trees."
"Wait a sec. Are you telling me that was the only reason you transferred to this school?"
"Mm-hmm. This place holds special memories for me. That's why I have to protect it."
'That's why I have to protect it.' I repeated her words in my head, to let it sink in to me the purpose for her attending Hikarizaka High School. Tomoyo had a reason to live. She had a purpose in her life. It made me think about my own life and what I was doing with it. I only saw myself as a wanderer, drifting from one day to the next, lacking any ambitions for the future. What was I going to do with my life after high school? Where would I even go from here on out? I was still uncertain about what I wanted to do after I got out of high school. Getting a job was my first idea, but that would prove more difficult without some college degree to aid me. It dawned on me that I was merely wasting my life away if I didn't have a reason to live. Was it wrong… to just live this life that I currently do? A part of me already knew the answer, but I didn't want to admit it, not yet anyway.
Finally mustering up the courage to break the silence, I turned to face Tomoyo, who was staring off into the distance with a forlorn gaze. It was rather obvious why the two of us were out here all alone. I had to deal with this problem sooner or later. The last thing that I wanted was to break a friend's heart, but I had to stick with this plan that Ryou and I had concocted if there was going to be any civil resolution to this whole mess.
"Tomoyo?"
"Yes, Okazaki?"
"Thank you... for telling me that story."
"It's no trouble. I figured it's the least I could do... since you saved me. I still feel a little guilty about letting you take the blame for that."
"Don't worry about it. That's all in the past now. Nothing we can do about that now." I simply smiled at her thoughtfulness and consideration towards me. Whether it stemmed from friendship or romance or a combination of both was a different story…
"Hmm, all in the past…"
"Something wrong, Tomoyo?"
"No, it's nothing too serious. It's just… you believed me." The way her words trailed off at the end in such a quiet manner, it sounded like she anticipated skepticism from me about believing her story, as if she foresaw me doubting everything she had just said to me earlier.
"I don't have any reasons to doubt you. I've heard stories around school of a strong and beautiful girl who went around beating punks at night. From the moment I first saw you handle those bikers out in the track field, I knew… that you were her." As I gave it some more thought, I think I knew… what was bugging Tomoyo right now. If I had to wager a guess, she was afraid that I would reject her or begin to slowly distance myself from her. She was probably afraid of getting too close to anyone, for fear that her past would've been exposed to the whole school. If that happened, her chances of becoming student council president would've been blown to hell. Tomoyo was starting her life over again, becoming a better person in the process, all for the sake of her family, to keep a promise she made to her younger brother. She had a goal to strive towards, but one tiny misstep would've ruined everything for her. I could understand where she was coming from, the fear of not knowing who to really trust at all. Sometimes, it's hard to know who you can really trust in this world. The betrayals that hurts the most… are the ones that come from the people you love.
I had a pretty good idea the direction that this conversation that I was having with Tomoyo right now would eventually head towards, so I did what any good friend would do, and offered her comforting words to ease her worried mind.
"Regardless as to who you may have been a long time ago, what matters is the present, the here and now." I knew I was going to regret what I was about to say next, but I still went ahead and said it…
"The only Tomoyo that matters, the one that I… care about… is the one sitting right next to me." I heard her softly gasp at my statement, with a tiny blush on her face confirming the matter. She turned away immediately, not wanting me to see her in such a… vulnerable state. It was amusingly adorable, to say the least. Wanting to kill the romantic subtext of my earlier statements, I continued on. "Anyway... it's hard to imagine that you were the legendary girl who went around beating the crap out of thugs or whatnot."
Tomoyo smiled, feelings of shame and embarrassment apparent on her face. "That's...all in the past now. But… if you're still skeptical, I can… show you some proof."
"Proof? What kind of proof?" At this point, my curiosity was piqued. What exactly did she have in mind that would qualify as proof? My question was answered when I saw Tomoyo's left hand reached for her sleeve on the right side of her school uniform dress and slowly pull it up her arm until her entire right arm was visible to my eyes. I had to blink my eyes several times, forcibly straining my eyelids to rid my mind of any… sexual thoughts that I might have been thinking of then and there over the seemingly-mundane act of a girl casually pulling up the sleeve of her uniform.
What lay beneath it… caught me off guard. Regardless as to how perverted the following statement might sound, I couldn't deny that Tomoyo's body was near flawless in terms of any blemishes, or lack thereof, but I noticed a very visible scar on her right shoulder. It definitely had healed over by now, so it must've been an old scar from years ago, but the white line was still clearly imprinted, stretching from the backside of her arm to the front. Did someone…cut her?
"What the hell happened?" My question came out automatically… it was the only response that I could muster out loud.
"It's… a very long story. I can tell it to you some other time. But, the short version is… I ran across a girl one night. She didn't…approve of my vigilantism. So, the two of us fought, and I sustained this injury from her sword."
"Wait, a sword? Who uses a sword in this modern age anyway?"
"Heh, who knows? But one thing was for certain: she was strong. I wonder if I'll ever see her again…"
"Well, thanks, Tomoyo. I'm glad you trust me enough to tell that story in the first place. Both stories, I mean."
"You're welcome. I... I do trust you, Okazaki. Maybe that's why... I was able to find the courage to tell you. I...don't make it a habit and tell people personal things about my life. I've never… really opened up to anyone like this before."
"I swear; I won't tell anyone what I just heard."
"I know you won't. You're a really good person, Okazaki."
"I don't think so. I just... try to be a decent person, that's all."
"Regardless, I'm really grateful... just the fact that you listened to my story... just being here next to me like this… has made me really happy."
"That... that's what friends are for, right?"
"Friends..." From the way Tomoyo's word breathlessly trailed off into the silent air, I knew that I was on a one-way collision to an inevitable confession that I had to face head on. I...didn't like where this conversation was going...Even so, I tried to play ignorant at first.
"Something wrong, Tomoyo?"
"...Okazaki... what do you think of me?"
"W-wait, what do you mean?"
Tomoyo was blushing furiously all of a sudden. Did I have this effect on every girl that was crushing on me? Make them act completely out of character? "Am I... being a nuisance to you? If you don't want me to wake you up every morning... I can leave you alone."
"No, no, don't do that. I... really enjoy being woken up by you. At least, I can get to school on time now. I know what I'm about to say...might come across as being a little selfish, but...I think it's nice...to have a pretty underclassman waking up their senior." Tomoyo always did worry that she wasn't feminine enough, but in that moment, from her light blush, to her inability to maintain any decent eye contact anymore, to the slight stammer in her speech, she was about as love-struck as a little kid in kindergarten. I tried to give an honest answer, but I had the feeling right then and there that in doing so, I fell further into Tomoyo's trap. I couldn't tell if she was intentionally flirting with me, me being the oblivious kind of guy, but regardless, I was caught hook, line, and sinker. There was no way I was getting out now. And I had a feeling that my choice of words wasn't probably the best, even if they were sincere in its intentions.
"You... really think... that I'm pretty?" I had to deflect this question somehow...
"What guy wouldn't? They would have to be crazy not to think that."
Tomoyo slowly closed her eyes, letting a small laugh escape from her lips. "I guess Sunohara must be crazy then."
"As unbelievable as this may sound, I think even he finds you pretty as well."
"Really?" Her eyes opened immediately at my comment. I had my suspicions that Sunohara had a thing for Tomoyo… or maybe he was just a masochist like Kyou was. Now that I stop and thought about it, those two would make a good couple… or not. I guess it would depend on how much effort those two were willing to put forth into a romantic relationship. The absurdity of mentioning Sunohara and Kyou and romance in the same sentence might be a crazy enough scenario that might actually work. What might prove even crazier was the possibility of him liking both Kyou and Tomoyo. I didn't need this entire web of love triangles being complicated even further than it already is with Sunohara being involved in all of this somehow.
"Well, that's what I'm assuming anyway. Considering how much of a goofball he is half the time, I can't say for certain."
"...And what about you, Okazaki? You haven't told me... what you thought of me." My pitiful attempts to steer the conversation off into another direction proved fruitless. At this point, honesty was the best policy, or so I thought…
"...Of course I do... I think... you're really beautiful." Even with the setting sun off in the horizon, I could clearly see the blush on Tomoyo's face as bright as the shining day. Her sapphire eyes were able to look me in the eye for a brief moment before her head abruptly tilted away from my gaze.
"Tomoya?" My right slightly arched in confusion as my left eye awkwardly closed at hearing my given name being referred to all of a sudden. That was… the very first time that Tomoyo had addressed me by my first name. A confession was inevitable any second now...
"U-uh... yes?" I couldn't make eye contact with Tomoyo anymore, nervousness slowly consuming me. My heartbeat was beginning to race as I waited for the question that I knew was coming. I felt a lump stuck in my throat now. I struggled merely getting that question out of my lips. I knew I wasn't ready to hear this, but people are rarely prepared for moments like this.
"I... I... uh, um..." She took a deep breath... before uttering the words that I knew were coming a mile away. "I... like you, Tomoya. Will you... go out with me?" Tomoyo was looking straight at me, a burning determination in her eyes...and I would be the one to take that same determination away from her. Because of that realization, I couldn't say a single word. My eyes were now looking downward, focusing on the grass in front of me. My heart was now pounding, suffocating me from the inside. I thought I would faint from the stress of it all.
"...Tomoyo?" It almost came out as a choke, my throat straining to just say her name.
"Yes... Tomoya?"
I didn't want to say these words to her. I didn't want to see her cry. The last thing that I would ever want was to see one of my friends hurt. The worst part about all of this was the fact that I would be the one who caused it. It may be out of necessity, but it doesn't lessen my guilt at all. "I'm... I'm sorry... but I can't."
Heartrending is the word I would describe when I saw the look on Tomoyo's face. "Why...why not?" Her voice was on the verge of breaking. I could hear the tears in them. Strangely, I had this feeling that this wasn't the first time I had said something terrible to make Tomoyo emotionally shatter in front of me, even though I knew for a fact that such an incident had yet to occur before now…
"I'm... already dating someone else... I'm so sorry, Tomoyo."
I brought my legs closer to my body, my arms hugging circling around them as my chin rested on my knees. I couldn't bear to look Tomoyo straight in the face now. I forced my eyelids shut, guilt slowly consuming my mind. After what felt like a long bout of silence, I felt a soft hand touching mine. My eyelids snapped open immediately, noticing Tomoyo's right hand gently resting on top of my own.
"Even if you won't admit it, I am troubling you, aren't I?" I immediately turned my attention over to Tomoyo, whose sapphire eyes were sullen with sadness, staring listlessly off into the horizon.
"No. Why would you say that?"
"I think... maybe it's a better idea... if I stopped coming by your house in the morning."
"No, don't do that!" My sudden outburst definitely startled her. Even I couldn't really understand why my reaction was like that to begin with.
"Why not? It just... feels wrong if I were to continue stopping by every morning...considering that you have a girlfriend now. Shouldn't she be the one to do that, instead?"
"I…I don't mind. Seeing you in the morning... really brightens my day a little." Yeah, I was the paragon of selfishness, but I said whatever came to mind to cheer her up and prevent things from spiraling out of control.
"Really?" I silently nodded my head to her question. "Tomoya, be honest with me... Do you... like me?" Her question had me blushing now. I wasn't expecting her to be so direct so quickly. I had to be careful in how I responded her questions. Unknowingly feeding Tomoyo anything that could be misinterpreted as false hope would've been terrible on my part.
"...As a friend, I do like you, no doubt about that. As... a lover, I..." I didn't know how to finish that sentence. "...I don't know."
"...I see."
"Forgive me."
"No, I should be the one to apologize... for asking you something so personal..."
Silence fell upon us once more as the two of us just sat there on the grass. "Tomoya?" That was the second time…that Tomoyo had addressed me by my first name. At this point, I felt it safe to assume that she was going on a first name basis with me from here on out.
"Yeah?"
"If it's not asking too much... who are you dating anyway?"
"Do you know who Ryou Fujibayashi is? You met her before yesterday morning at my house. She's the one with the purple hair."
"Is she the one who hates me?"
I couldn't help but laugh. "No, no, that's Kyou. She's the older sister. Ryou is the younger one, the one with the shorter hair."
"Ah, I see. Sorry for the mix up there."
"Heh, don't worry about it. We all make mistakes from time to time." I couldn't help but feel that there was more to her question than what I had noticed so far, so I pressed on further. "Something else on your mind?"
"I was just thinking... didn't you say the other day that you weren't looking for a girlfriend?" I froze in my spot, remember the exact line I had said the other day about how I wasn't looking for a girlfriend due to the situation with my dad. I sat there in complete silence, unable to fabricate an answer that would satisfy her curiosity. By the time I was ready to just say whatever came to mind, I was interrupted with a question…
"...Can I ask you a favor?"
"Sure, what is it?" I probably should've asked what she wanted out of me first, but I guess it's too late for that now. I'm sure whatever she was about to ask couldn't be so bad... right?
"Is it... okay... if I meet your girlfriend?"
"Huh? Well, I certainly don't mind. But I can't help but wonder, why?"
"I'm just curious, that's all. I can't help but wonder what type of girl you fell for." There was a teasing tone within her voice as Tomoyo tried to subdue the urge to laugh.
"Now, I'm worried. You're not gonna interrogate her, are you?"
"No, I wouldn't do that. I just want to talk to her for a bit, that's all."
"You want to do it tomorrow morning? I can call Ryou tonight and tell her to stop by early."
"Sure, that would be splendid." The two of us continued to stare at the setting sun, which gradually sank further and further below the horizon. "Tomoya?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you know why we see the color red when the sun sets?"
"No, can't say that I do." Tomoyo lets out a subdued laugh, as if she knew that I didn't know the answer. I felt slightly embarrassed for not knowing the answer, but I was curious as to what the answer was…and her reason for asking me such a question to begin with.
"You see, light is made up of lots of colors. And out of all those colors, red is the one that travels the farthest."
"Ah, I see. I never knew that." Tomoyo was now facing me, her quiet laughter unable to be restrained any further.
"If you paid attention in class, maybe you would have known that."
"I'm not a science expert." I retorted back, smiling at her.
"Neither am I. I just know how to listen."
"Are you implying that I don't know how to listen?"
"To your friends and their problems, perhaps. But, you obviously don't listen while you're in class." She made a very good point, one that I couldn't really dispute at all. Letting out a defeated sigh, I glanced at her with a wry grin.
"I guess you really are one of the smartest people in Hikarizaka after all."
"Maybe I am, but tests and exams are just one way of judging a person's knowledge of something. They aren't absolute, you know? They don't accurately measure how intelligent a person may or may not be. A person can be the worst test-taker in the world, but that person might know far more than everyone else around them."
"Heh, you certainly know a lot. Are you sure you're younger than me?"
"Hey, I resent that!"
"I didn't mean it as an insult." The two of us couldn't help but laugh.
"It's your last year of high school, Tomoya. Don't give up, okay?"
"I won't. A lot of things in my life have changed these past few weeks now."
"That's good to hear. Will... will we still see each other... after you graduate? I mean, you are in a grade above me, just in case you forgot. I'm still just a second-year student after all."
"Yeah, I'll still be around here. What about you, Tomoyo? With grades like yours, you could probably make it in university once you graduate. You could probably find a good job once you're out of here."
"I'm... not sure... if that's what I really want, though."
"Why not?
"I... don't want to leave this place. There are far too many precious memories here. There are... people... that I don't want to leave behind."
"But you have the talent, the strength to be able to make something out of your life. Me on the other hand, I'm different. All I can do is stay here in this town, in the same place... until I die. That's the kind of person I am."
"If you can't go anywhere, then I'll come to you! I'll stay with you!"
"But why? You don't have to stay trapped in a miserable place like this. Go to a good college, meet wonderful people, set your dreams high and make them come true! You can aim higher than this Tomoyo, much higher! Don't waste your time staying grounded with me!"
"Please, just stop, Tomoya! Don't say anymore. I don't wanna hear it, all right? I've already decided. Getting good grades and listening to teachers can take me somewhere high and far away, but what if that's not where I want to go? Right here, by your side Tomoya, is the only place I want to be." And then, something clicked in my mind. Her words… and my words to her… something about them… it felt familiar to me in a way, like I had said them to her before. I imagined myself… having a conversation that was eerily similar to this one… with snow falling all around us, the two of us adorned in heavy coats, confessing our feelings to each other, holding each other tight in our arms, consoling one another from the pain of being separated from each other.
It felt like a far-off memory to me… than just a simple imagination of my mind. [2]
"Is that... what you really want, Tomoyo? Are you… really okay with that?"
"All I want... is to be by your side. It doesn't matter if it's just as a friend, either. I just... want to see... your smiling face... for as long as I possibly can. I know it's selfish, considering that you already have a girlfriend."
"Thanks... Tomoyo."
"You're welcome… Tomoya." She took this opportunity to move in closer to me. The distance that existed between us had shortened in its gap, as our shoulders were now touching, her head pressing against the left side of my cheek. I slightly leaned back towards her, wanting to ease whatever thoughts and concerns that might had been plaguing her mind.
"...It's a nice view... isn't it?"
"Yes, it is. It's simple moments like these that we tend to take for granted the most. I'm glad...that we can watch it together." I was tempted to respond, but I felt silence was more adequate. I didn't know how long we stayed like that, but we just stared into the fading sun without a single utterance of words between us. The fact that we were here for each other like this… was all that needed to be said.
"Well, it's about to get dark soon. Want me to escort you home?"
"I'd appreciate that, Tomoya. I could definitely use the company." I was the first to get on my feet as I helped Tomoyo up. My right hand stretched out towards her as her right hand gently but firmly held onto mine, propping up onto her feet. The two of us walked side by side, a comforting silence lingering between the two of us as we occasionally gave each other a short glance accompanied with a smile. The two of us separated once we arrived at an intersection in the road.
"Good night, Tomoya. Thanks for taking me home. I'll see you...and your girlfriend tomorrow morning, okay?" She teasingly emphasized the last part of the sentence. I guess she couldn't help but become curious about Ryou.
"Yeah, no problem. Looking forward to it, too. 'night, Tomoyo."
Walking home that night, I couldn't tell for sure whether Tomoyo had really come to terms with her feelings for me or whether she was suppressing the urge to cry in front of me. There was this unsettling worry inside of my heart that she wouldn't be sleeping peacefully tonight, but I had no way of knowing for sure. Ignorance is bliss, as they say, and in this case, I didn't have much of a choice. I had to believe that her words were honest, that her smile was as certain as the rise and fall of the sun and moon.
A part of me didn't want to go back home again, but it wasn't like I had any other place that I could stay at indefinitely. I was walking down the sidewalk through the night, the occasional street lamp I walked past by the only thing illuminating the sight in front of me and the odd random house with their lights still on. I turned my attention to the sky and saw that there was no moon, probably hidden behind dense clouds. Besides my own footsteps hitting the cement, there were no other sounds that my ears could perceive, not a lonely breeze nor a buzzing cicada in the distance and not a single person in the vicinity. Something didn't feel right to me, and a small sense of paranoia was starting to accumulate inside of my mind. I walked faster and faster, until it became a full-on sprint.
I kept running and running, my heart pounding in adrenaline, wanting to find some sort of refuge from the outside world that was now covered in darkness. I thought I would get home soon, but then, I stopped dead in my tracks all of a sudden…
I was out of adequate oxygen in my lungs, my breathing erratic in its pace. I tried to take several deep breaths to calm myself down, my hands resting on my thighs, back arched slightly forward in exhaustion, but my attention was primarily focused on a certain little creature that was standing several meters in front of me, beneath the glowing light of a street lamp. Besides its tail occasionally wagging, the creature itself was completely still, its red eyes piercing into my mind. It was jarringly unnatural to the point where I couldn't move, frozen to the spot where I was standing. I felt like I was under a spell, mesmerized by this creature's mysterious reappearance. By the time I felt like I could move again, I could only take one quick step before all of a sudden, all of the electricity in the area suddenly went out. I was briefly drowned in the blackness of the night for a few seconds, unsure of whether my eyes were really open or not, until the lights came back on. The white light was blinking and flashing, the power intermittent, the buzzing and crackling of electricity ringing in my ears. It felt like a scene from a horror movie, foreshadowing the imminent demise of a main character.
As if real life was that predictable…
I turned my head around, taking several steps in all directions, looking in the trees and bushes, running down the streets a bit more, but there were no signs that the creature was there anymore, if it really was there to begin with.
"What the hell just happened?" My words breathlessly vanished into the air, like a wisp of breath on a cold lonely night. I felt like I was in a living nightmare right now, if I already wasn't…
Author's Note #3: Finally moved on with episode 18! XD The entirety of this chapter takes place between 10:24 and 18:09 minutes of episode 18 of the first season. Some things in this chapter got axed, so they'll probably reappear in one form or another in the next chapter, hopefully. :3
Author's Note #4: This chapter was for all the Tomoyo Sakagami fans out there. ^_^ I hope I did her character some justice. Do tell me if I did okay with writing her parts in this chapter or not in the review box, if it's not asking too much, that is.
Well, that's the end of chapter 8. If you actually made it to the end of this chapter, then I salute you for being able to put up with my story for this long. If it's not asking too much, any kind of feedback, be it pointing out spelling/grammar mistakes, suggestions, or just your thoughts and feelings on this chapter, anything would be great. All I ask is that you remain civil and keep things constructive. That's all. ^_^'
Remember to check my profile page every day to see how much progress I have made on the next chapter. It will go up the moment that number hits 100%.
And don't worry, I'm never going to drop this story, so long as there is continued interest from readers for my fanfic. For personal reasons, I want to see this story through to the very end, even if it takes years to get there...
Footnotes:
[1] - 14:53 - 14:59 of episode 22 of Clannad ~After Story~, Small Palms (小さな手のひら). A slightly-older Tomoyo is briefly scene on a beach all by herself.
[2] - 19:20 – 23:22 of Another World: Tomoyo Chapter.