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X.O.X
Monday, 28th June, 1869
Eight Days Later
X.O.X
~.~
"Thank-you, Dr Mike," the short, black-haired townswoman acknowledged, Michaela opening the door, Mrs Myers stepping out onto the porch.
"My pleasure. Come see me again in a week if the swelling's not subsided," Michaela smiled, Steven's mother making her way from the Clinic contently.
Turning back into the room, Michaela closed the door, running her hands down her face with a sigh, having not had a break in over two hours.
Updating Mrs Myers' chart quickly, Michaela found herself rearranging instruments and other assorted items on her desk, aware of the fact that she was trying to distract herself from a nagging concern.
Deciding she was going to address the matter promptly, Michaela reached for a pencil, opening another chart, and beginning the step-by-step listing, resting her left hand against the side of her head as she began partitioning the crisp white paper into columns, working silently for several moments.
Finishing the task, Michaela's mind began churning over the information before her, her mouth going dry as she stared down at the pencil against the paper. Michaela moved the fine lead instrument up and down the numbers on page, as if it would somehow change the reality before her, being interrupted by the door opening across the room.
"Dorothy!" Michaela slammed the file closed immediately, the woman's presence startling her, the pencil slipping from her right hand.
"Oh, Michaela. I really shoulda knocked I know, but but I," Dorothy was out of breath, having run from the telegraph office as soon as Horace had unpacked the mailbag.
"Is someone hurt, I," Michaela pushed the chair back, standing and surveying the room for her medical bag automatically.
"No, No, it's nothin' like that," Dorothy reassured her, the newspaper held folded behind her back. Seeing Michaela standing before her, Dorothy was unsure that she wanted to be the one to break this news to her friend.
"Dorothy," Michaela stated impatiently, disgruntled by the rude interruption.
"I'm sorry, Michaela. Stage just arrived from Denver, thought you'd want to see," The red-haired woman bowed her head slightly, bringing the paper from her back, reaching out slowly, Michaela taking it with an unenthused sigh.
"Dorothy, what's so important?" Michaela unfolded the latest edition of the Rocky Mountain News, looking between Dorothy and the newspaper in exasperated expectation.
"Bottom of the page, Michaela. I, thought you oughta read about it before it became general knowledge," Dorothy clasped her hands at her waist, her eyes narrowing when she watched Michaela scan the front page, the doctor's frustration apparent.
"I'm really not all that interested," Michaela froze mid-sentence, recognizing her name within the first few lines of the final article on the page.
"I, just thought you should know," Dorothy watched as Michaela quickly read the article, her expression remaining torn between bewilderment and apathy.
"Michaela?" Dorothy waited until the paper was thrust back into her hands, Michaela returning to her desk, sitting down, and attempting to busy herself by checking her appointment schedule.
"Was there anything else?" The physician looked up, her eyes large and lifeless. Dorothy felt her forehead wrinkle in disbelief.
"You're not gonna say anything? Michaela, that was," Dorothy trailed off watching Michaela turn back to the list in front of her, before looking to the clock.
"Dorothy, if you don't mind, my next patient is due in five minutes," Michaela cleared her throat, gesturing to the large clock by the door.
"Michaela, aren't you shocked, appalled? Angry? Aren't you at all upset by this? That man had no right printin' stuff like this." Dorothy moved the folded newspaper in her hand, Michaela looking back down to the list of appointments in front of her.
"I couldn't care less, and I don't care to discuss it. Please?" Michaela gestured to the door.
Dorothy shook her head slowly, realizing that once Michaela Quinn had put an end to a topic, there was no point continuing with it.
"You just better hope the Rocky Mountain News don't make it's way to Boston," Dorothy raised an eyebrow, Michaela not seeming to take-in her words.
Michaela saw the patients' names blur slightly in front of her eyes, aware of the door closing, before letting her head drop forwards to the desk with more force than she'd intended. Dorothy's words continued to linger in her mind. Looking up momentarily, Michaela reached for the first thing in sight, a textbook on psychiatry and hurled it to the floor in intense fury. Watching the pages fan out, the cover of the book deforming slightly as it collided with the wooden floorboards, Michaela felt herself shiver, tears collecting behind her eyes, trailing slowly down her cheeks as she buried her face in her hands in a silent sob.
~.~
X.O.X
Sunday, 4th July, 1869
Six Days Later
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela was aware of a weight pressing down on her, first immobilizing her lower legs, and knees, before moving upwards to her thighs, an elbow digging into her stomach. Her eyes opening immediately, the only source of light was the faint shine of the moon through the window on her right. Realizing her level of movement had been severely restricted, and that the sharp pain to her stomach was increasing, Michaela freed her arms from the tangled quilt, reaching down to instinctively retaliate against the invading presence.
"Oww!" Michaela heard a small whimper, immediately followed by a thud as something collided with the floorboards beside her. Pulling herself into a sitting position, she tried to focus her sleepy eyes on the small form on the floor next to her bed.
"You pushed me off," Michaela recognized the voice before she was able to visually identify the figure moving from the ground beside her.
"Brian? Brian, what in God's name," Michaela struggled to catch her breath, her fear-driven rage at such a violent awakening fueling her bitter words.
"Ma I, had a bad dream," The small boy got to his feet, hanging his head slightly when he'd managed to process both Michaela's words and tone, realizing his presence had not been as welcomed as it had been on previous occasions.
"This is going to stop, right now. Go back to bed," Michaela felt his hands reach for the sleeve of her nightgown, tugging persistently until she reacted.
"Ma but," The boy resorted to familiar manipulative tactics.
"Brian Cooper! Go to bed. This minute!" Michaela pulled her right arm free from the child's grasp, repeating her reprimand, her voice low, her tone cutting and succinct.
"Ma?" Brian let his arm drop to his side, Michaela pulling the quilt back over her upper body resolutely.
"I'll talk with you in the morning," Michaela concluded, the boy remaining by her bedside, not moving.
Realizing that completely ignoring him may be her only hope, Michaela turned onto her side and let her eyes drop closed. She tried desperately to fall back into much-needed sleep.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"Dr Mike?" Colleen called lightly, having almost stepped on her little brother as she approached the side of the bed.
"Brian? What on earth are you doin' down there?" Colleen knelt down, the boy fast asleep on the wooden floorboards beside her Michaela's bed, curled uncomfortably into a bean-shaped position, covered only by her dressing gown.
"Ma," he whispered, feeling a hand brush his shoulder, opening his eyes to the morning sunlight.
"No, Brian, it's me," Colleen waited several moments for him to reorient himself, looking between the floor and the bed in confusion.
"You didn't sleep out here all night, did ya?" She helped him to his feet, having just awoken and dressed for the day, concerned that allowing her mother to sleep any longer may result in them all missing church.
"I dunno," Brian still appeared somewhat dazed, nonetheless trudging back to his bedroom to dress.
"Dr Mike, you gotta wake up," Colleen repeated her earlier beckoning, smiling lightly when she saw Michaela's mouth twitch, followed by her eyelids fluttering and head moving slightly.
"It's nine o'clock," The young girl stepped back from the bed, Michaela reluctantly awakening and adjusting her eyes to the bright sunlight.
"Thought you'd want me to wake you, didn't want ya to be late for church," Colleen turned to see Brian pull the curtain closed across his sleeping area, looking back as Michaela pushed the quilt away, tossing her tangled hair over one shoulder.
"Hmm, thank-you. I appreciate it," Michaela muttered, Colleen returning to the various stages of breakfast preparation going on across the room.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"Sully! It's Sully!" Brian squealed, jumping from the wagon before Matthew had had a chance to bring it to a halt outside the homestead.
"Afternoon folks," he greeted the family warmly, Wolf contently chasing Pup around the wagon.
"Sully, can we go fishin', can we?" Brian reached his side, deliberately competing for the man's attention.
"Don't see why not, how was church?" Sully looked between each of the individuals, narrowing his eyes, unsuccessful in receiving any acknowledgement from Michaela.
"Was fine, nothin' special," Matthew shrugged, watching as the girls dismounted the wagon, before following and beginning to unharness Bear.
"I'll get the poles. Ya comin' Colleen?" Brian pulled his Church jacket off hastily, waiting for his sister's reply.
"Yeah, might as well. Matthew?" Colleen watched as Brian raced back into the homestead, pulling his shirt from his trousers hurriedly.
"Why not. Just give me a few moments here," Matthew smiled, glancing between the horse and his sister, as she followed her younger brother towards the back door, disappearing quickly inside to change.
"Dr Mike?" Sully crossed his arms around his chest, shifting his weight onto one foot, Michaela being pulled from a daydream by the mention of her name.
"Sorry?" She turned, meeting his gaze only briefly.
"You comin'?" He queried, noticing the far-away look in her eyes.
"I don't think so," Michaela screwed up her nose slightly at the idea of fishing.
"Come on. Something I needa talk to ya 'bout," Sully smiled a soft, non-threatening smile.
Michaela realized she was only going to mope around the homestead fretting if she didn't join them.
"Fine. I just need to change," she glanced down at the striped dark blue dress she was wearing, the delicate white lace covering her neck and shoulders.
Sully nodded, watching as she made her way across the yard, and followed the two youngest children into the homestead. Letting a sigh escape his lips, Sully assisted Matthew in freeing Bear from the wagon.
"Dr Mike all right?" Sully enquired, aware of her cold reception from the moment the wagon had stopped in the yard.
"Guess so, bit quiet maybe. Brian had another nightmare last night, apparently woke her up," Matthew lowered his voice, not usually comfortable talking behind another person's back, however aware of the distress the incident had caused his younger brother. "Said she snapped at him, yelled at him to go back to bed. Didn't like to mention it, only Brian seemed real mad at her all morning and it ain't like her to brush him off. Least not these days," Matthew shook his head trying to reconcile Michaela's previous devotedness to Brian with his little brother's account of the previous night's events.
"Well, you keep Brian and Colleen entertained today, I'll try and have a talk with her. Matthew, I don't like to pry but, Dr Mike been talkin' to anyone recently? I mean, with the incident over at Hank's, then the article last week. Just seems like she's keepin' a lot to herself lately." Sully rested his right arm on the side of the wagon, Matthew brushing his chin lightly in reflection.
"Guess so. I know she ain't been talkin' to Colleen. I ain't really thought about it that much, we've got our hands full with Brian at the moment. Seems like Dr Mike just wants to forget about it, not really my place to question that." Matthew pulled the harness from the horse's back, Sully mulling over his words, continuing to assist the young man.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"Anything yet?" Colleen lent over towards her brother, watching him patiently hold the fishing pole out in front of him.
"Nah, only been ten minutes though," Brian replied resiliently, Colleen smoothing her skirt around her, seated comfortably on a thick log.
"Matthew, wanna take over for me?" Sully winked knowingly at Matthew.
"Sure thing," the young man replied, taking the pole and clearing a spot on the ground several yards from Brian and Colleen.
"Dr Mike?" Sully looked directly over to her.
"Where are you going?" Michaela, head balanced in her hand, glanced across in Sully's direction, noticing the man get to his feet purposefully.
"We are going for a walk," Sully raised a single eyebrow, almost daring her to challenge him.
Lifting her chin from her palm, Michaela sighed, tilting her head only slightly in habitual resistance, however realizing from the look on Sully's face, that any attempt at refusal would only provoke more tension.
"If you insist," she muttered, arriving smartly to her feet next to him, following him towards the trees in the distance.
"Maaa," Brian began, his spontaneous disapproval at her absence met immediately by a sharp reprimand from his brother.
"Hush up." Matthew ordered, Brian turning his attention back to his fishing pole in a childlike sulk.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"You been awful quiet today," Sully waited until they neared the beginning of the clump of trees, ten yards or so from the children, before initiating the conversation.
"Not especially," Michaela responded curtly, locking her hands behind her back as they continued their slow stroll.
"Matthew said Brian got upset again, thought you reckoned he was gettin' better," Sully realized he'd have to approach this in a sideways motion, Michaela was going to deliberately repel any direct questions.
"I believed that he was, until approximately two o'clock this morning when he woke me up," Michaela chose her words precisely, increasing her pace so as to convey disinterest.
"That why Brian thinks you're mad at him?" Sully pressed on, careful to keep his questions non-judgmental.
"You'd have to ask Brian," Michaela sighed, beginning to wish she'd remained back at the homestead; at least there she could have moped in peace.
"Planning on keeping that up all day?" Sully stopped moving abruptly, his tone to the point.
"I beg your pardon?" Michaela turned to address him, her edginess only being exacerbated by his words.
"That. Giving a non-answer answer. Matthew told me that Brian thought you were short with him. Ain't like you," Sully continued, hating having to be so gruff, however knowing that exposing whatever was causing Michaela's moodiness, would be worth it in the long-run.
"Matthew and you have been discussing me at length, I take it?" Michaela brought a hand to her left hip, in confrontation.
"No, not you, about Brian, but Matthew's worried 'bout ya. We all are," Sully paused, studying her face thoroughly, neither of them speaking for a substantial length of time.
"Well, there's no need. I'm fine. Is this really what you wanted to talk with me about?" Michaela folded her arms tightly, recommencing their walk, however at a brisker pace this time.
"No, it's, it's not," Sully cleared his throat, sighing, and continuing slowly behind her; this conversation was not going as intended.
"Then, would you mind telling me just what it was?" Michaela gazed into the distance, comparing the two pathways before her, each leading into the densely overgrown forest. Her strides never slowing, she took the route to her left, the rough, uneven surface of the ground seeming strangely appealing.
"Ain't gonna talk about it if you're ten yards ahead a me, now am I," Sully pointed out, having determined that directly requesting Michaela to slow her pace would only be met with stubborn defiance.
Michaela looked down, her hands dropped loosely by her side, the dust and dirt caked onto the edges of her shoes. Halting in an instant, she kept her back to him, knowing Sully would catch up in mere moments. She heard the snapping of twigs behind her draw nearer, turning at a forty-five degree angle, so as just able to detect his outline, however, by no means turning towards him.
"What is it you wished to speak with me about?" She sounded cool and clinical, as if she were addressing a patient, and talking merely of a blistered finger or a mild catarrh.
"I ain't so sure now's the right time. Up until the last few weeks I thought you seemed ready, now," Sully dismissed his planned words with several movements of his head.
Michaela was intrigued.
"Now, what?" Michaela snapped defensively, her sensitivity to his comment on her behavior apparent.
Sully brushed his hand angrily through the air, turning to walk back in the direction they'd just traveled. He couldn't talk with her when she was like this. Almost certain Michaela would object to what he had to say, Sully knew now was not the right time.
"This entire outing was your idea, remember?" Michaela retorted, wishing herself back in the homestead, alone.
"Fine," Sully let the single word hang in midair for several seconds, Michaela's frustration just beginning to surface when he continued. "Cloud Dancin' and Snow Bird are askin' about ya. They want to see you." He brought his gaze upwards, his eyes twitching subtly as he tried to read her reaction.
Michaela heard the two names spoken across the short distance, her mind reacting in emotive agitation before she was aware she had processed Sully's words. She felt the air remain trapped in her throat, her glance drifting beyond Sully until she heard his voice, pulling her back into reality.
"No-one expects you to be ready just yet, but we thought, one day," Sully watched the blank expression on Michaela's face begin to animate, certain up until then that she would vehemently reject such a proposal.
"Where, I mean, where would we?" Michaela met his glance, her eyes shifting awkwardly in apprehensive confusion.
"Ain't even thought about that, it's up to you. You know they aren't going to be welcome in town and I don't think you should go," he stopped, Michaela's sharp tone cutting in.
"The homestead." Michaela decided bluntly, Sully struggling to keep up with the speed of her acquiescence.
"The homestead? You sure?" Sully queried, unconsciously frowning in disbelief that Michaela not only hadn't flatly turned down the notion, to the contrary, she appeared to be somewhat eager about it.
"I am. When?" she reiterated, glad of the distraction.
"Up to you. Next Saturday?" Sully adjusted his belt around his waist, waiting for realization to sink in, and for Michaela to go back on her decision.
"Fine." she nodded, her voice crisp.
Sully watched Michaela clasp her hands in front of her, his gaze moving upwards until he was staring once again into her hollow eyes. He finally saw the strength she was mustering, and was able to determine that she was only agreeing to this to prove a point; she would not let him see her weakness.
"No, it's not fine. Why are you doin' this?" Sully felt his jaw drop in exasperation, extending an arm forward in desperation.
Michaela watched him observe her, feeling his stone cold eyes boring into her, reading her, searching for a way to reach her. She couldn't bear it any longer. Swallowing as she turned, Michaela felt an arctic chill once again radiating from her chest. No. She had to be strong. She would not give in. Not again. Beginning to walk forwards, Michaela felt the leaves crush under her feet, the silence around them being broken only by the sound of Sully's voice.
"Dr Mike. Michaela," Sully remained several paces behind her, satisfied that he'd gotten through to her when she stopped moving.
"Everyone's worried 'bout ya. Ya think people ain't noticed how hard ya been pushin' yourself lately'? Dorothy, Olive, even your own children. Everyone's tryin' real hard Michaela," Sully finished speaking, taking the remaining couple of steps forwards until he arrived less than a foot behind her, watching her head lower, hoping she would respond.
"Michaela, it ain't easy seein' someone you care about hurtin'," Sully dropped his voice to a barely audible whisper, in anguished torment feeling the depths of her suffering.
The very strength that would ensure Michaela Quinn survived what had happened, was right now pushing her further and further into stubborn isolation.
"I just wish people would stop expecting me to fall apart. I told you; I'm fine." She enunciated cleanly. Sully spotted the glistening of her eyes, and knew she was anything but fine.
"You call not talkin' 'bout what happened, fine? Gettin' yaself blind drunk over at Hank's fine?" He raised an eyebrow, his voice more powerful, hating himself as he demanded she reflect upon her behavior.
"I," Michaela tried to interject, Sully continuing, knowing that once she couldn't bear the pressure any longer, she would give in and let her defenses drop.
"So, I suppose overreacting to Brian is fine. Not to mention throwin' yourself back into work too soon and wearing yourself out at the dance to the point where you pass out, fine?" Sully was almost relieved when he saw the tears brim over the edges of her eyes.
"Stop it!" Michaela protested eventually, her jaw clenching and forehead wrinkling as she made full sense of his last statement. Holding her breath tightly in her throat once again, they remained in utter silence, a single tear running down from Michaela's right eye.
"Michaela," Sully blinked calmly, his left arm settling on her right shoulder, Michaela pulling away instinctively from the physical contact, horrified that her vulnerability had been exposed. Her right hand clutching her skirt, she began a frantic dash along the path before her, Sully barely realizing she'd moved before she was over five yards away.
"Michaela!" He called, certainly not having expected such an explosive reaction.
Her response was only to increase the speed of her running, her breathing forced and gasped, watching each foot appear one after the other in front of her, pressing down against the moving ground. Michaela could feel the wind brushing past her, little delicate wisps of her hair being tossed in all directions, but still she pushed herself forwards.
"Michaela, wait!" Sully didn't want to chase after her, knowing that would be the exact response that wouldn't work, however seeing her white blouse and tartan skirt fading into the distance, gradually blurring with the bushes and trees, as she ran further and further.
Her legs ached, her throat burnt from strangled mouthfuls of air, but she knew she had to keep going. Turning, she saw him following her, her left hand lifting the other edge of her skirt slightly, allowing her to continue. Her black shoes pounded against the brown dirt, a faint rustling of dried leaves the only audible sound.
Run. Run and he won't catch you. Run and everything will go away.
She felt the tears stream from her cheeks, their saltiness invading her mouth as she fought for breath. She couldn't discern exactly what was driving her onwards, faster and faster, however Michaela knew it was fear.
Escape. You can escape this, escape him, escape the memories.
Sully continued twenty or so yards behind her, knowing that she was partly running from him, and not blaming her for it. He had pushed her too far.
"Michaela, stop. Please?" Sully slowed his pace, not knowing if she had even heard him.
She continued on in utter exhaustion, her throat in spasm, trying to suck in more air, the tingling in her hands and arms returning. Michaela looked behind her once again, noticing Sully now more than thirty yards behind her, having stopped following, standing with his arms loosely by his sides. She felt light-headed, a crushing pain spreading across her chest. Michaela was about to slow her pace, realizing he had no intentions of following her any longer, when she felt her foot collide with a branch buried under some dried leaves.
Feeling herself tumbling forwards, Michaela watched the ground draw closer, her arms extended to brace her fall, managing to land relatively softly on her hands and knees.
Sully arrivied by her side within seconds.
"Ya hurt?" He dropped to his knees, Michaela shaking her head reassuringly, as she sat back on her knees, still struggling to catch her breath. She loathed herself in that moment. Knowing she shouldn't have run, however equally aware of how satisfying the exertion had been.
"Here," Sully reached down to grasp her upper arm, attempting to her help to her feet, receiving a sharp slap to his hand when she pulled her arm away.
"Don't touch me," Michaela spat in a husky tone, still trying to catch her breath.
Sully rose to his feet, taking a step backwards as he looked away, intense guilt washing over him. The day had not gone to plan. He'd not only trapped her into such a corner, she'd resorted to physical flight; he'd now lost the fragile ground he'd only just regained since the afternoon of the dance.
"Best go see if Brian's havin' any luck with those fish," Sully exhaled miserably, hanging his head, and retreating back towards the creek.
Michaela heard him depart; remaining knelt on the ground, looking at her hands resting out in front of her.
Letting her eyes drop closed as she waited for the emotional disorientation to subside, Michaela concentrated on the sound of the bark and leaves crunching in the distance, ensuring the noise had faded before she pulled herself to her feet and followed after him.