~.~
X.O.X
Saturday, 17th July, 1869
Two Days Later
X.O.X
~.~
"Brian's beside himself, because apparently he and Colleen have to kiss," Michaela rolled her eyes, Snow Bird smiling in understanding.
"Well, then maybe the practice will do him well," Snow Bird commented, referring to the children's absence, as they were spending the day in rehearsals at the schoolhouse.
"I hope so," Michaela glanced at their surroundings, Snow Bird's voice quickly gaining her attention.
"Dr Mike, will you come out to see us, at the reservation?" Snow Bird queried, aware of what she was asking Michaela to withstand, however, not about to shy away from a direct question.
Michaela's face fell awkwardly, images from the reservation flooding through her mind. Despite knowing that it was irrational to connect the reservation with her abduction, Michaela was unable to deny the uneasiness that swept over her. Picturing the reservation she saw tepees, heard war cries and gunshots. No. It was too soon.
"I will try," Michaela felt her eyes blink slowly, Snow Bird able to see the torment behind them.
"When you are ready, Dr Mike," Snow Bird nodded thoughtfully, realizing it had been too much to ask.
"Snow Bird, I wish I," Michaela turned abruptly as she realized Cloud Dancing was approaching her from behind.
"Dr Mike, here," Cloud Dancing called to her, having found some dried willow bark.
"Oh, thank-you. With this weather, I was beginning to think we weren't going to find any," Michaela took the bark gratefully, slipping it into the small pouch she was carrying.
"Was there anything else you needed?" He smiled, Sully remaining several yards behind, silently observing as Michaela and Cloud Dancing conversed.
"No, that's everything," Michaela turned back to Snow Bird, wishing their afternoon did not have to end.
"When we will see you again?" She took Michaela's hand, squeezing it tightly.
"I don't know," Michaela strung the words together slowly, looking back towards Sully.
"It does not matter. It was good to see you both today," Cloud Dancing stated simply, content in the knowledge that the four of them had at least had this moment.
"And you are looking well." Snow Bird embraced Michaela for several moments, neither breaking away.
"I will see you soon, I promise," Michaela felt her eyes close; how could she love a person this much, and yet still feel this scared.
Cloud Dancing and Sully walked back along the path, still watching as the two women maintained their tight hug.
The two men continued to walk silently.
"It is good there is no hatred." The Medicine Man observed, Sully nodding, an undisguised smile broadening on his face.
"Michaela does not have it in her to truly hate. She sees the good in people too easily," Sully replied, Cloud Dancing frowning slightly in reflection.
"Sully, I do not know if it is my place," Cloud Dancing hesitated.
"She still hasn't spoken to me, not about what happened," Sully read his mind immediately. Cloud Dancing took a step closer, reaching for Sully's arm.
"Everything will happen, in it's own time, my brother. But you will need to be there." He looked away, aware of Sully studying his eyes.
"Cloud Dancing, you know something don't you? What?" Sully released the grip on his brother's forearm, Cloud Dancing still not meeting his eyes.
"As I said, you will need to be there. To finish what has been started," The Medicine Man walked away towards his wife. Michaela arrived quickly by Sully's side, and they watched Cloud Dancing and Snow Bird head back along the previously traveled path.
"Sully?" Michaela saw the distant look in his eye.
"Sorry," he brushed Cloud Dancing's words away, checking for the Wolf's presence nearby.
"Cloud Dancing was quiet today," Michaela observed, adjusting the bag of herbs and medicines in her arm.
"Yes, he," Sully shook his head, letting the thought fade.
Michaela and Sully continued walking.
"Sully, do you think it's right? I mean, Brian's letting this kissing ordeal with Colleen really distress him. Do you think I should say something? I mean," Michaela watched as Sully took the bag from her, sighing in gratitude as she clasped her hands behind her back.
"Up to you, sure he'll get over it, but then he's probably startin' to get to the age where he's feelin' confused 'bout stuff like that," Sully cleared his throat, securing the pouch to his belt as they continued their walk through the woods.
"Like what?" Michaela jumped in immediately, her eyes flashing slightly in complete misunderstanding.
"Well, like kissin' and girls and," Sully looked away, a similar discomfort and confusion washing over him.
"Surely not, he's only," Michaela chanced a look in Sully's direction, the pair meeting eyes nervously, Sully breaking the contact.
"He's ten, Michaela. When I was that age," Sully swallowed quickly, not about to continue with this train of thought.
"When you were that age, what?" Michaela felt a small grin creep to her lips.
"Nothin'," Sully averted his eyes nervously to the ground once again.
"Sully!" Michaela gave up, shaking her head in slightly amused exasperation.
"What? I ain't talkin' to ya about stuff like that, it's emabarrasin'," Sully blushed slightly, Michaela catching on eagerly to his discomfort.
"I'm a doctor!" She rolled her eyes, knowing there was absolutely nothing he could say on the matter that would shock her.
"Wouldn't be talkin' to no doctor 'bout it, neither!" Sully watched Michaela simply raise one eyebrow in challenge.
"All right, well, just when I was Brian's age, we, ah, that is, friend a mine, well we got curious," Sully turned the corner of the left side of his mouth up ever so slightly.
"Curious?" Michaela shrugged, mostly just enjoying watching him grow more and more uncomfortable.
"'Bout well, girls, 'bout what they looked like and all," Sully gestured with a very faint hand movement, Michaela catching on immediately.
"But Brian isn't," she opposed, Sully shrugging, guiding Michaela around a suspicious looking clump of leaves.
"No but just saying, he's, ah well, he's startin' to think about, well, differences. Startin' to realize there's different kinds a love, different kinds a kissin'," Sully explained slowly, Michaela nodding in understanding.
"Well, do I talk to him about it? Do I speak to the Reverend?" Sully shook his head immediately in response.
"I wouldn't. He'll come to you if he can't sort it on his own. I'll see if I can have a word to him, might be easier comin' from me," Sully knew Brian had had a somewhat rushed education these last few months, suspecting that Michaela possibly wasn't ready to confront some of these realities.
"Sully, if I have to have that talk with him, I will," Michaela retorted defensively, sensing Sully's coyness around the subject, and wishing to assert herself firmly as Brian's primary caregiver.
Sully looked away awkwardly. "Michaela, he's already had that talk. He, ah, think Dorothy took care of it," Sully noticed the look of controlled mortification crossing Michaela's face.
"I see," she drew a breath, Sully immediately attempted to cushion the blow as much as he could.
"Well, someone had to talk to him, Michaela. Matthew told me 'bout it, said Brian used a few words Matthew didn't know he knew and well, I'm sure she was just doin' what she thought was right at the time." Sully waited, allowing Michaela time to rationalize that what had been done was for the best.
"I guess you're right," Michaela muttered under her breath, the pair continuing to walk in silence for several minutes.
"Michaela you would tell me if something was troublin' ya, wouldn't ya?" Sully chose his words awkwardly, his mind drifting over Michaela's past behavior, combined with Cloud Dancing's vague words from their first reunion, as well as today.
"Of course I would. Why would you question that?" Michaela followed Sully towards a hollow log laying several yards from the path.
"I don't want to pressure you but, been worried," he spoke as they sat down, Wolf amusing himself chasing a rabbit further down the path.
"Sully, everything's all right. I just wish everyone would stop being so concerned about me. If it's not you, it's Olive, or Dorothy, even Colleen keeps looking at me sideways," Michaela pushed a strand of loose hair from her face, Sully remaining unconvinced.
"Well, maybe they're worried for a reason. I mean you gotta admit, you have been actin' kinda strangely, well, not recently but what about that day we took the kids fishin'," Sully reminded her, Michaela cringing, remembering just how obtuse she'd been that day.
"I suppose I do owe you an explanation. I," Michaela continued.
"Michaela, whatever is it," Sully moved his right hand in front of him, indicating for her to feel free to talk with him.
"I," Michaela felt her lips move slightly; however no sound could be heard. She didn't even want to say it, to vocalize it. The mere contemplation was enough to put a lump in her throat.
Sully leant forwards, watching Michaela with intrigue as she struggled to make any sound. He refused to give up, knowing that the longer he gazed expectantly at her, the sooner she would just respond.
"I," Michaela felt the professional detachment enter her voice, her tone dropped and her words lost all emotion. "I had to consider the possibility that there could have been complications," There. She'd said it. Sort of. She'd answered his question in any case.
"Complications?" Sully moved his eyes from side to side, his eyebrows dropping, sensing a medical metaphor at work.
"Well, in a situation like this, one needs to consider," Michaela felt her jaw drop in response to the volume and frustration in Sully's outburst.
"Michaela, will you quit talkin' like a doctor for five minutes and just tell me!" He was starting to get increasingly concerned, not following her, and sensing it was something that had the potential to cause her significant distress.
"I didn't know if I was pregnant." She brought a hand to her face.
"Michaela?" Sully leant closer towards her, surprised when she didn't attempt to hide the tears, nor stop them begin slowly trickling down her face.
"I'm sorry, I just," Michaela felt the relief wash over her, aware of Sully's right hand slipping slowly around her shoulders, her head nuzzling naturally against his chest, his other arm wrapping around her back, his fingers interlocking as he let her continue to sob.
"Sorry, didn't mean to make ya upset, just wanted to see if everything was all right," Sully felt her head resting against his chest, looking downwards at her long hair falling against her back, before shifting his gaze to his hands wrapped securely around her, being reminded of the last time he'd held her tiny frame within his arms.
"Sully, I don't know what's happening to me." Michaela felt his arms move around her, his hands caressing her back protectively. Tears still building and falling silently from her eyes, Michaela nestled her head against his chest, her breathing beginning to relax, hearing him inhale and exhale slowly.
"Sshh, it's all right. I ain't goin' nowhere, Michaela." He moved hesitantly along the log, careful to be aware of any discomfort being displayed by her. However, Sully soon felt his hip brush hers, his right hand moving to stroke her hair, neither looking to break the contact.
"Are you sure?" She moved her head slightly, looking up just as he moved his gaze downwards to meet her eyes.
"I meant what I said, Michaela. Ain't nothin' changed." He felt her right hand move to his ribcage, her fingers tentatively grasping his back, Michaela also remembering the last time they'd been this close.
"But I, it's not the same," Michaela reminded him, feeling Sully inhale sharply against her, looking up worriedly.
"Michaela, I know what you're thinkin' and maybe in Boston it would make a difference. All I know is, I love you, and it don't matter," Sully pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, his eyes remaining locked with hers, physical reactions unnecessary, each knew what the other was saying.
"I thought you were dead. If you were dead, and I was dead, who was going to take care of the children?" Michaela could barely hear her own voice escape her lips, amazed when Sully responded.
"You did the right thing, Michaela. Don't you ever think different." Sully moved his arm slowly down her back, feeling her tense slightly underneath his grasp.
"I should have fought," she whispered, her eyes remaining open, unblinking and free flowing tears running into her mouth.
"Michaela, if you'd a fought, he woulda just killed ya, you know that. I know it's easy, once you're back here, safe, with your family, to forget how real that fear was." Sully looked at the strands of her hair woven between his fingers, his mind reaffirming that he truly did know just what she had endured.
"I'll never be able to stop feeling it; the knife against my neck, the rawhide around my wrists. The pain," Michaela lowered her head once again, drawing her arms protectively back around her waist.
"No-one's expectin' ya to. I'm sorry, Michaela. I'm sorry I let you down," Sully leant forwards slowly, to rest his chin on the top of her head, aware of her head moving slightly underneath him.
"You nearly died out there. How can you say that?" Michaela remembered the seriousness of his head wound. Sully let her pull away slightly from his grasp, always careful never to restrict her movements.
"I could say the same to you. Point is, we're both here, now. That's what counts," Sully shifted his gaze awkwardly, Michaela's eyes never leaving his. Her breath caught in her throat, when the distance between their mouths narrowed, neither one believing the other wasn't going to pull away.
This determination was fueled by the belief that if either were to shy from the inevitable now, the other would perceive it as rejection.
Unspoken realization saw their lips brush momentarily, eyes closing as each moved slightly, allowing their mouths to find each other once again, the sustained kiss not aggressive, nor demanding; however, tender and understanding.
Michaela felt her hand move to his chest, aware of his arm encircling her back slowly, his fingertips pressing ever so lightly into her shoulder. Unable to discern exactly what she was feeling at that moment, Michaela felt her lungs crying out for air, and found herself pulling back slightly, their lips breaking contact as she took a gasped breath.
"Michaela, I'm sorry. I didn't mean," Sully's eyes widened in horror, as he saw the heaving of her shoulders, aware of the effort with which she drew her breath.
"No, I just couldn't breathe," she reassured, each waiting several moments before refocusing their attention back on the other, Michaela's breathing having returned to a normal pace.
"Now? Or," Sully queried, Michaela narrowed her eyes, not comprehending his words straight away.
She felt her shoulders tense, Sully's arm pulling her tenderly towards him, memories combining together into a sea of emotional torment. Clasping her hands tighter around his back, she rested her head on his shoulder, tears running from her eyes as she gazed out over the trees and scrub in the distance.
"Both," Michaela realized that the sensation of Sully's lips upon hers, had been enough to trigger the physical recollection.
Feeling her fingernails dig tightly into his back, her chin tucking deeper into his shoulder, the pair remained clutched to each other, Sully watching his left hand move delicately over the strands of hair trailing down her back once again.
"I'll always be here, Michaela. I love you," Sully whispered, adjusting his hand against her back softly, feeling her gradually relax under his touch.
"I love you too," Came the almost inaudible reply. Sully moved his left hand upwards to cradle her head, neither caring how long they remained in their healing embrace.
~.~
X.O.X
Sunday, 18th July, 1869
One Day Later
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela had long since realized she was not actually reading the book held loosely in her hands, however was consumed with recollections from the day before. The fire still burning brightly beside her, she continued rocking slowly backwards and forwards in the chair, a blanket wrapped snuggly around her.
Closing the book, she set it down on the small table beside her, about to prepare for bed, when she saw the thin white curtain across the room move slightly, Brian's head appearing after only a moment.
"Ma?" He whispered quietly.
Michaela reached her arm out to beckon him to her, the small boy pulling himself onto her lap as she wrapped the blanket around him.
"Another bad dream, Brian?" Michaela leant back in the chair, allowing the boy to rest against her shoulder.
"No, just couldn't sleep," he replied, reaching for the book beside her.
"Is the play still bothering you? You know, if you'd like me to talk to the Reverend, I will," Michaela suggested, watching as Brian flicked curiously through the heavy textbook, stopping occasionally in fascination at several pictures.
"Nah, it's all right, talked to Matthew about it. Said that since she's my sister it ain't bad and it's only pretend," Brian reassured his mother, as he stopped turning pages when he arrived at a collection of pictures.
"Ma, can you tell me a story?" Brian watched the fire continue to flicker back and forth in front of them, Michaela glancing down at him strangely.
"You really would like a story? I thought you might be a little old for that," she smiled softly, giving Brian the opportunity to change his mind.
"Well, I think it'll help me sleep," Brian side-stepped the issue of age delicately, Michaela nodded, understanding quickly that even if he felt too old for a story, Brian wasn't about to admit it.
"Ah, I'll need to think for a moment, Brian. What kind of story would you like?" Michaela tightened her arms around his chest, the boy nestling comfortably against her shoulder.
"Can you tell me about Grandpa? Coz I never got to meet him," Brian rested his hands in his lap, Michaela looking down at him oddly.
"Of course. Let's see," Michaela tilted her head upwards slightly, her mind momentarily reliving fragments of the time she'd spent in he father's company.
"Was he mean?" Brian cut in, the small boy deciding to make this into more of a conversation than a story.
"No. He was very firm, Brian. He was a man of principles, believing that one should never sacrifice what they believe in, simply to gain approval, or friendship. He believed all people are created equal, that you should never judge a person's worth or moral fiber by their appearance. He believed vehemently that a person's true potential should never be jeopardized by factors beyond their control." Michaela paused abruptly when the young child interjected.
"What's vemenly mean?" Brian studied the top button on Michaela's dressing gown, seemingly content in their conversation.
"Vehemently, means, when you feel strongly about something, like how Sully feels about protecting nature," Michaela found her mind drifting back to the previous day, feeling his arms wrapped securely around her shoulders.
"Or how I feel about candy," Brian raised an eyebrow, both parties aware that he was only teasing.
"I suppose so," Michaela shook her head, Brian's childlike innocence and natural intelligence never failing to astound her.
"And Grandpa's the reason you got to be a doctor, right?" Brian placed the heavy medical book back onto the table beside them, Michaela nodding noncommittally.
"In a way. He certainly founded my interest in medicine, in healing pain, in saving lives and he encouraged me never to give up on my dreams, when friends, even family, laughed at my ambition." Michaela watched Brian smile softly, the awe evident in his eyes.
"And you never gave up. You proved to them, they were all wrong. That women can do anythin' men can do, like what Grandpa believed," Brian yawned reluctantly, thoroughly enthralled in the conversation, and therefore not wishing to seem tired.
Michaela nodded slowly. She frowned slightly, aware that now might prove an ideal time to launch into a slightly awkward topic.
"Brian, you know that if you're confused or have any questions about differences, you can talk to me?" Michaela was determined not to allow her own discomfort to jeopardize her son's education.
"Ma?" He tilted his head, feeling thoroughly confused, right at that very moment.
"Such as differences between men and women. If there's anything you'd like to know, or that you don't understand," Michaela watched the boy's face drop into a mixture of embarrassment and nervousness.
"Ma, why can't men have babies?" Brian scrunched up his mouth, his hands squirming awkwardly in front of him.
Michaela drew a breath, relieved as the question had not been as challenging as she'd feared.
"Well, ah," she paused, moving her right hand to the textbook beside them, flicking through the book until she arrived at the picture she was after.
"Here, see, the female has different parts on the inside and one of those is something called a uterus. It's a sac where the baby develops until it's ready to be born," Michaela pointed between the differing pictures, Brian comparing the two anatomical drawings.
"And I don't got one?" Brian frowned, sounding somewhat disappointed.
"No, I'm afraid not, Brian," Michaela tilted her head slightly towards the child, much strength being required to resist the temptation to smile at the disenchantment in Brian's voice.
"Aww, so, the pa puts the baby into that thing and then it grows until it gets big enough and then it comes out." He pointed back to the picture, trying to assimilate the new information with his albeit limited previous knowledge on the subject.
"That's correct," Michaela closed the book, looking towards Brian, bracing herself for another question.
"And I gotta be the pa when I grow up, don't I. Which is why men can't have babies," Brian nodded, everything beginning to fall into place.
"Exactly," Michaela glanced across at the dying fire, not really aware of Brian's voice recommencing until he spoke a familiar word.
"So, is Sully still gonna end up bein' our Pa, then. Coz he was before, weren't he?" The young boy carefully fastened the top button of Michaela's dressing gown, unaware of just how awkward his question had been.
"I don't know, sweetheart. Would you still like him to be?" Michaela found herself reflecting on Sully's words from the day before.
"Sure, gotta have a pa. Otherwise, I ain't never gonna get that baby brother," Brian missed the slightly apprehensive expression appearing across Michaela's face.
"Indeed," she trailed off, wondering if resuming her relationship with Sully really might be as simple and logical as Brian made out.
"Ma, maybe you and Sully can come see the play together. Less than a month away now. Think he'd wanna go?" Brian took the heavy textbook back once again, Michaela hoping he was starting to grow weary.
"I'm sure Sully would love to see the play, Brian," Michaela smoothed the fine hair across the top of the boy's head. "Are you feeling sleepy, yet?"
"You'll be there too, won't ya, Ma?" He queried, his small voice wavering slightly in uncertainty.
"I wouldn't miss it for the world, Brian," Michaela smiled, drawing his head back to her left shoulder, Brian crossing his ankles and dropping his eyes closed, quite content in the imminence of his lullaby.
"Sleep, my child and peace attend thee, All through the night," Michaela felt her chest drop, as Brian snuggled sleepily against her.
"Guardian angels, God will send thee, All through the night." She shifted her gaze from the child's dozing head, watching the flame in the fireplace flicker slowly back and forth, as it dwindled.
"Soft the drowsy hours, are creeping, Hill and dale in slumber sleeping." Her hands returned to stroke the top of his head gently.
"I, my loving vigil keeping, All through the night," Michaela felt the boy's upper body adjust wearily against her, sleep gradually calling to him. Her arms interlocking around his chest, she lowered her voice slightly, continuing the well-memorized lullaby her father had taught her when she was Brian's age.
~.~.~.~
While the moon her watch is keeping
All through the night
While the weary world is sleeping
All through the night
O'er thy spirit gently stealing
Visions of delight revealing
Breathes a pure and holy feeling
All through the night
Love, to thee my thoughts are turning
All through the night
All for thee my heart is yearning,
All through the night.
Though sad fate our lives may sever
Parting will not last forever,
There's a hope that leaves me never,
All through the night.
~.~.~.~
Michaela continued through the lullaby, her voice fading soothingly with each line, as she felt Brian gradually go limp in her arms. With her hands still supporting his weight, Michaela guided the child to his feet, the dazed boy stirring only enough to be led back to bed.
Helping him slip between the sheets, Michaela pulled the quilt up over his now motionless form, kissing him affectionately on the forehead.
Ensuring Colleen had not been disturbed, Michaela paced back along the rough floorboards, arriving by the side of her bed.
Pulling off her dressing gown, laying it neatly along the end of the bed, Michaela brushed her hands tiredly across her eyelids, savoring momentarily, the inviting soft pillows, and the freshness of the cool sheets.
She glanced across at the clock on the mantelpiece; eleven-fifteen. Settling Brian had taken over an hour. Michaela slid onto the mattress in a clean, fluid motion, dragging the quilt up over her as she collected her hair awkwardly into a gathered bunch over her shoulder.
Tossing and turning, in an attempt to get comfortable for what was left of the night's sleep, Michaela rolled uncomfortably onto her side, trying to relieve the dull ache stemming from her lower back.
Hurling the quilt in frustration to the end of the bed, Michaela sighed, letting herself sink once again onto her back, hands falling lightly across her stomach, as she forced her eyes closed, desperately begging sleep to her consciousness.
Beginning to plan through what she knew needed to be accomplished over the following day, Michaela wasn't aware of her fingertips pressing lightly against her lower abdomen. She felt her breathing slow gradually, hoping that maybe, possibly, sleep might not be too far off.
Adjusting her hands slightly, Michaela was far away in her head, recalling the patients she would be seeing the next day, oblivious to her fingers creeping slowly across her stomach.
Physical movements divorced from mental comprehension, Michaela failed to appreciate the looming significance of the light palpatory actions of her fingers against the thin fabric of her nightdress, until her fingertips froze over the swollen, firm area barely an inch above her pelvis.
The reality that had been slowly building inside of her, in a single moment, ceased every competing thought in her mind; leaving her with only one, unspeakable, torturous conclusion.
Michaela scurried spontaneously upwards into a sitting position, and felt her breathing accelerate into a silent pant. Her thoughts were jumbled, her mind whirling in multiple directions, her consciousness being bombarded with visual images, both past and future.
No. Oh my God, no.
Please, this can't be happening. How could I let this happen?
Why didn't I stop it? Why did I let it go this far?
I should have known; I should have prevented this.
Michaela dropped back down to the mattress, rolling onto her side and pulling the quilt protectively up over her shoulders. Her eyes dropped closed before opening moments later, this subtle movement repeating, as she tried to rationalize what had been an indescribable millisecond of realization.
Carefully, nervously, Michaela reached her right hand back under the quilt, pulling her nightdress up, drawing a breath as she began what would normally have been a simple, emotionally detached abdominal exam. To her impeccable medical training, her enlarged uterus was unmistakable. Combating the nausea welling up from her stomach, Michaela forced herself to continue for several moments, foolishly realizing she was trying to determine gestation.
Slipping her hand quickly back over the quilt, Michaela heard the drawn-out sigh escape her lips. Her mind torn between physician and mother, dates and arithmetic calculations proved a welcome distraction against pondering reactions and emotions.
Eleven, twelve. The children. Sully. No, why didn't I figure this out weeks ago? There might have actually been something I could have done about it! What am I thinking? I can't go through with this. What will people say, think. The children, this isn't fair on them. This isn't fair on Sully.
Michaela took a strangled gasp of air, tears running desperately down her cheeks, her arms pulled against her chest, her fists clenching tightly.
Olive was right. She knew. How did she know?
Michaela let her mind travel back over her behavior over the last few months, realizing that deep down, she too, knew exactly what her symptoms were indicating. She'd willingly mistaken the spotting weeks ago for her monthly, the physician in her chastising herself at once.
How could I be so naïve? Had it been anyone else, and it's the first thing I would have been concerned with.
Her mind began flashing forwards, weeks, months, skimming past her consciousness, realizing just what she was going to be enduring.
I can't have this baby. I can't, but what choice do I have? I can't do this, I can't. I wish I'd just…
Michaela stopped herself quickly, her final lingering thought bringing Brian's cheerful face to mind. How could she have wished herself dead. Her thoughts continued to swim, this time backwards, memories flooding past her of the months, years and decades that had gone by.
I can never go home. I can never expect them to understand. I truly have disgraced them. I've dishonored everything I was raised to be. Everything Father had told me I could be. Mother was right, I should never have come here, this never would have happened. The children, Father. I'm sorry.
Michaela found herself once again conflicted; this time between selfish torment, and commitment to Matthew, Colleen and Brian. She let her mind drift over how her life might have turned out had she remained in Boston last year.
I should have stayed. I should have accepted William's proposal and stayed. Why do I always think I know best? Mother was right. Now look at what's happened. The children would have adjusted.
Michaela brought her hands to her moist eyes, not having realized just how hot and clammy her face had become due to her silent tears.
Sully, he said it didn't matter. He said he, oh how could this all be going so wrong? Just as I could see some hope. Why? why?
She knew at that point, any potential for sleep had been lost for the night. Her mind danced between memories and faces, she knew Brian wouldn't understand, her conversation only a short time ago repeating itself over and over. Michaela knew Colleen and Matthew would be supportive, but she also knew just how they'd be ridiculed, ostracized, as she would be.
I can't face them, I can't tell them. The town, the scandal, I couldn't bear that. This is too much to expect anyone to accept. No. This will not happen.
Father, I'm sorry I let you down. I know what you would think of me. You would have never allowed this to happen, you could have stopped this. I let you down. I let everyone down.
Michaela felt her hair fall over her face, beyond caring. Her terrified sobs continued long into the night, momentarily forgetting why she crying, until she remembered and fresh tears formed again in her eyes. She was no longer tired, anxiety-driven panic had immediately ensured that, her mind drifted between memories and predictions, voices and faces haunting her consciousness.
Gingerly moving a hand to her stomach once again, Michaela allowed her fingers to brush over her lower abdomen, each time praying silently in vain that perhaps she might awaken and discover this had all been a nightmare.
Michaela knew it was not so. She could feel the warmth radiating under her hand, like a ticking time-bomb threatening to destroy what was left of her life.