"Aww, no fair Sully! No fair!" Brian struggled as Sully hid the ball behind his back, Colleen sliding into home plate, the two aforementioned participants being declared the winners.
"Only a game, Brian, settle down," Matthew teased, pacing around the yard to pick up the flour sacks they'd used as bases, returning them to the barn.
"So, what now, then?" The young boy crossed his arms, his attention span not lasting for more than several minutes, Sully looking pleadingly to Colleen for help.
"We could bake some cookies? Chocolate chip ones, your favorite," she giggled, knowing Brian would be up for that in an instant.
"Great Sully, you can help. You can mix the," Brian was halfway between the middle of the yard and the back door when he heard the sound of an approaching horse.
Matthew emerged from the barn just as Colleen, Brian and Sully raced across the yard, Flash's unmistakable form trotting down the familiar path before stopping several feet in front of them.
"Ma, Ma's horse! Sully, Ma!" Brian screeched.
Colleen reached for Brian's flailing arms, the young boy clutching to her chest, his breathing becoming gasped.
"Brian, calm down," she scolded, although hardly able to blame him.
"But, Ma, Ma, Sully you gotta," he repeated, his voice tightening and ascending in pitch as his face paled.
"Brian!" Colleen brought her hand to his face, slapping him across the left cheek just firmly enough to calm him down, allowing him to take a breath.
"I'll get Scout, Colleen, you stay with Brian," Matthew was about to dash back towards the barn, Sully resting a hand firmly on his shoulder to stop him.
"No. I'll go. Colleen, get a shirt or something so Wolf can get a scent. Boy, here boy!" Sully looked around quickly for the animal, Brian attached immediately to his waist as Colleen ran inside without so much as a word.
"I'm going with ya," Matthew narrowed his eyes momentarily, before dashing back into the barn and saddling Scout.
"Sully, promise, promise you won't let nothin' bad happen to her again, promise," Brian pulled frantically on his beads, terrified tears streaming down his cheeks.
"Brian, I," Sully looked hopelessly between Matthew and Brian, realizing he couldn't promise the child something he really had no control over. He'd already let them all down once, he wasn't about to break his word again.
"Here," Colleen thrust the salmon blouse into Sully's hand, the Wolf sniffing in interest. Brian nested quickly by his sister's side, his fingers locking tightly to the waistband of her skirt.
"Sully," The young boy's voice was weak, his chin quivering as tears fell from his eyes.
"Hush, Brian," Colleen ran her fingers through his golden hair, trying to be as comforting as she could, however anxiety pounding in her chest.
"What ya waiting for!" Matthew yelled gruffly, walking Scout out from the barn.
Sully looked between each of the children, before he quickly mounted Flash, Wolf whimpering, eager to get going.
"Come on, be gettin' dark in a few hours," Matthew called, passing Sully quickly, encouraging Scout into a trot. Sully frowned, somewhat confused at the aggressiveness in the young man's voice, before pushing the exhausted horse into a rugged gallop, the Wolf staying several yards ahead guiding them back along the dirt road.
"Ssh, Brian. It will be all right," Colleen knelt down to wipe his tear-stained cheeks with the back of her hand, her gesture more out of empathy than to actually clean his face.
"You said that before." He pushed her hand away violently, before storming back into the homestead.
Colleen dropped her head, idly running her fingertips against the sides of her skirt, praying everything was going to be all right. She waited until Sully and Matthew had vanished from view, before smoothing out her skirt, and turning to head back inside.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela gazed at the trickle of water dripping steadily from the end of her hair, which hung messily over her shoulders, small muddy puddles forming where the water mixed with the dirt of the riverbank around her. Michaela wrapped her hands tighter around her legs, her head perched awkwardly on her knees, her breathing having slowed.
Michaela realized she'd stopped crying several minutes ago, but remained still, aware of the heaviness of her saturated clothing as it clung to her, gradually making her feel colder and colder.
Sniffling the remnants of tears and water from her nose, Michaela had recovered from the shock of the fall enough to take note of her surroundings. As she slowly rotated her head around her right shoulder, she saw the denseness of the forest she'd ridden into, the sun barely visible through the tall, thick trees.
She pushed her legs from her chest, wincing slightly at the twinge coming from her left ankle, before determinedly pulling herself into a somewhat slouched stand, the weight of her water-soaked clothes not making movement any easier.
Teeth clenched, she managed to hobble several yards back from the creek, a collection of rocks forming the start of a mountain provided a drier location. Michaela carefully removed the weight from her injured leg, knowing it was only a superficial sprain. Wringing out the edges of her skirt, more for something to do than for any practical benefit, Michaela brought her elbows back to her knees, for the first time contemplating just how she was going to get back home. She knew the distance wasn't that far, only four or five miles, however, her ankle was still too swollen and sore to be able to weight bear.
Michaela pulled the two fine combs from her hair, shaking her long mane out, brushing through the tangles. She could hear faint bird calls, apart from that, only the gentle running of water along the creek. The solitude was refreshing though. Michaela savored the absence of distractions, of people, and allowed her mind to travel where it pleased. She no longer cared where her thoughts took her, knowing she would arrive back at the same troublesome reality; only this time, another evasive measure had failed.
With an uncomfortable frown, Michaela reached around to undo the single button of her pale lilac skirt, the clingy material loosening around her waist. She sighed heavily, her clothes fitting more snugly with each passing day. Who was she fooling; it was only a matter of a few weeks before someone would pluck up the courage and confront her about it. Within a month Michaela knew she'd have to start adjusting her clothing. This was hopeless.
She let her head drop downwards, her mouth tightening in an uncomfortable grimace. Sixteen weeks gestation, that child was now fourteen weeks old. Michaela knew each day was taking her further from the chance of miscarriage, and closer to the moment when this child's existence would be undeniable.
"I can't do this," Michaela heard the soft utterance pass from her lips, reality reminding her that the choice had, once again, been taken out of her hands.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"Harrison's property is this way," Matthew reasoned, steering Scout towards the left fork that had appeared in the road in front of them.
"Wolf's sayin' she's this way. He'd know, come on," Sully insisted, the pair not having spoken a single word to one another for a good ten minutes or so.
"Be this way, somewhere near the Harrison's," Matthew's voice was stronger, beginning to move the horse forwards.
"Matthew, Wolf's got a scent, trust me," Sully reassured, Wolf's light whining increasing in volume as a display of his eagerness.
"Tried that once before, look what happened," Matthew set his jaw firmly, squeezing Scout's frame slightly, the well-trained horse pushing forwards into a trot.
"Matthew! Matthew!" Sully called, shaking his head as the young man continued along the pathway to the left, away from the forest Sully could see appearing in the distance to his right.
"Come on boy." He turned his attention back to the task at hand, Wolf barking in response and running quickly onwards.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"Brian? Brian?" Colleen dusted off her skirt, taking a step through the back door of the homestead, superficially scanning the open space for any sign of her younger brother.
Squinting slightly, she paced further into the room, arriving by the table before she saw a feint movement from across the room.
"Brian Cooper, get outa there," Colleen scolded, arriving at the edge of Michaela's bed, the young boy hidden underneath the quilt, the only detectable sound, his soft sobbing.
"Brian," Colleen awkwardly prized the corner of the quilt back, having no choice but to slip her head underneath the covers to join him.
"Leave me 'lone," his voice was tear-stained and shallow, his fingers remained clutched tightly around Michaela's dressing gown.
"Oh, Brian, you can't stay under here forever, worrying about Ma ain't gonna bring her back any quicker, you know that," Colleen soothed, her right hand moving to stroke his back as she subtly pulled the quilt further and further from him.
"Colleen, think she went away coz she's upset that Sully won't love her no more?" Brian fidgeted with the light-colored buttons of Michaela's maroon dressing gown, his crying gradually diminishing.
"What are you? Brian, where do you get these ideas from?" The young girl scrunched up her brow, shaking her head in slightly frustrated miscomprehension.
"Coz Ma's gettin' heaps fat," Brian let the words drop from his mouth, very matter-of-factly.
Colleen felt her chest tighten, the small edge of the patchwork quilt slipping from her fingers, her voice deadly serious. "She's what?"
The small boy's face paled; he'd dropped himself in it good and proper.
"She, ah, well. Last night, I didn't mean to." He walked his fingers carefully over the circular pattern of the quilt, his eyes downcast and guilt-stricken.
"Brian, tell," Colleen's fingers flew to the boy's chin immediately, forcing him to lock eyes with her.
"Last night, while you were outside, Ma was, was lookin' at her stomach." He squirmed slightly, afraid Colleen was going to reprimand him for spying.
"Did she know you saw her?" Colleen enquired, her brown eyes darting between each of his, her right hand slipping from his chin back to the mattress.
"Nah, she was real upset, Colleen. That coz she's scared Sully won't love her if she gets fat?" He searched logically for an explanation behind what, to him, appeared bizarre behavior.
"I, yes, Brian. Ah, she's probably just worried 'bout that," Colleen cleared her throat, realization having sunk in moments ago. All the pieces of the puzzle were slowly falling into place. Michaela's moodiness, her lack of appetite, the fainting spells, not to mention the selected textbooks and of course, other absences that only another female living in the same house would be aware of.
"But she don't gotta worry 'bout that. Sully ain't like that, told me himself." Brian affirmed, remembering their conversation from before the baseball game.
"You mentioned this to Sully?" Colleen lowered her voice quickly, realizing she'd come across too harshly.
"Just asked him if he'd love Ma any less if she was fat, he said no," The young boy shrugged his shoulders, seemingly satisfied with not having gotten into trouble.
"Brian, you gotta promise me you won't tell no-one else about this. Promise me," Colleen felt her head reeling, the anger and resentment she'd been feeling towards Michaela dissipating in a moment.
"Promise. Why?" He tilted his head slightly, the quilt still resting over his hair and the tips of his ears.
"Because, ladies don't like it when anyone talks about their weight, makes 'em feel bad. You don't want Ma feelin' bad, right?" Colleen felt her jaw drop open, her guiding words sounding a million miles away to her by now. Her glance shifted slowly around the homestead, emotional revelation quickly catching up with physical.
"Course not, you don't gotta worry. I won't say nothin'. Colleen, can I stay here till they bring her back?" The boy's unknowing words slipped innocently from his lips, his older sister relenting instantly, squeezing her arm around his shoulders in consolation.
"Sure, just you remember, it's a secret," she pointed out clearly, her mind still reacting to the deduction. Colleen'd had her suspicions from the night Michaela had yelled at Brian when he'd been demanding to play checkers, however, after hearing Michaela's genuine relief the following morning, quickly dismissed the notion. Then, from the moment she'd turned and seen Michaela unconscious on the picnic rug, her worst fears had been re-ignited. Everything she'd seen for the month or so following that had only served to strengthen her concerns. And now it appeared it really was true.
"Just pray they find her, Brian," Colleen tightened her grip on his shoulder, thoughts and images rushing untowardly into her mind. The young girl could appreciate how cataclysmic such a realization would be, immediately fearing that Dr Michaela Quinn may have decided to take matters into her own hands.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Watching the young man ride off into the distance, Sully shook his head. No matter what, he knew the whining wolf at his side was right. He also knew Matthew wouldn't give in.
"Matthew!" He called a final time, the boy's right hand waving out to his side in final dismissal.
"Do what ya like!" Matthew moved Scout into a canter, quickly disappearing from view.
Sighing loudly, Sully encouraged the wolf forwards. After several minutes of riding, the clear landscape had transformed into a dense forest. Wolf, his nose fixed to the ground in dedication, increased his pace.
"Dr Mike, Dr Mike!" Sully pushed the horse through the densely overgrown forest, Flash walking nervously between rocks and shrubs, somewhat more cautious of her footing since the recent fall.
The wolf had maintained an eager distance ahead, his nose to the ground, occasional whimpering indicative to Sully that they were on the right path.
"Dr Mike!" He called loudly again, before dismounting the horse and continuing their walk at a slower pace.
"Come on, girl," Sully pulled lightly on Flash's reins, as the horse stepped tentatively forwards, inch by inch, remembering the familiar surroundings.
Sully glanced around quickly, before securing the horse to a large tree, and continuing in the direction the Wolf was leading.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela brought her right hand up to brush the moisture from the bottom of her nose; a tired sigh filled the otherwise silent space. She turned her head upwards to gaze at the sky above, barely able to see the sunlight through the trees. She guessed an hour or so had passed and glanced down at the now cold garments around her. Her clothes were still soaked; her petticoat clung to the material of her bloomers, and her white blouse fell rather immodestly against her chemise.
She lifted the edge of her skirt slightly, awkwardly bending over her knees to examine her left ankle. Undoing the laces of her boot, Michaela determined the swelling to have increased, therefore resulting in the injury seeming less painful. Resting her hands either side her on the smooth rock, Michaela pushed herself awkwardly upright, taking most of her weight on her right limb, hesitantly taking a small step forwards with her left.
"Ah," she winced through clenched teeth, falling quickly back down to the edge of the rock. It was hopeless.
Tears welling up once again in her eyes, Michaela wrapped her arms around her chest, biting her lip hard, in a desperate attempt to avoid the overpowering urge to burst into tears. It was in that moment that she heard it; A faint sound, still indistinguishable from the superficial noises of the forest.
Raising her head and looking around her, Michaela heard the sound return. It was a voice. Her heart sped up immediately. Somehow the thought of being stuck out here alone was preferable to the idea that someone was approaching in the distance. Letting her eyes drop closed in defeat, Michaela tightened the corners of her mouth, the darkness behind her eyelids only amplifying the rustling sound of the approaching creature. She could hear the crunching of the leaves under its feet; but it wasn't loud enough to be a horse.
"Dr Mike?" It wasn't until she heard the voice, that overwhelming relief rushed through her veins. She knew that voice.
Opening her eyes immediately, Michaela was startled slightly by the Wolf nuzzling against her arm, his incessant whining drawing her attention to his human companion.
"Sully," her somewhat emotionally flat response was derived from a mixture of relief and embarrassment.
Quickly arriving by her side, Sully looked her up and down, his relief melding into concern and then worry.
"Ya all right?" he gestured to her noticeably disheveled appearance.
"I, I," Michaela raised her arms in front of her hopelessly, mere words not sufficing as explanation of the complexity of the emotions she was being subjected to at that very moment.
"Got worried when Flash arrived back at the homestead. What happened?" Sully glanced between each of her eyes slowly, trying to read the confusion that lay within.
"Flash fell. We ended up in the creek," she nodded to the creek ten or so yards from them.
"Ya hurt?" He moved towards her, at a loss to why she was out here in the middle of nowhere, and in an obviously distressed state.
"My ankle caught in the stirrup when we fell." Michaela turned and made deliberate eye contact with him for the first time.
Sully held her gaze, the silence between them becoming uncomfortable.
Michaela could feel him staring at her, feel his eyes taking in her clumped up hair, which fell messily around her shoulders.
"Here," Sully reached a hand forwards to carefully push away a strand of wet hair that was stuck to the side of her face.
"Thank you," she replied curtly, turning slightly, her misery obvious by this point. She desired nothing more than to get home and into some dry clothes.
As if able to read her thoughts, Sully gestured to her bunched up skirt.
"Brian'd be jealous, ya know how much he loves swimmin' in his clothes," he chuckled light-heartedly under his breath, hoping to relax the tension between them, in preparation for the journey home.
"I wasn't swimming," Michaela whispered dryly, once again feeling the heaviness build in her chest, the inevitability of her fate causing hopelessness to renew itself.
"Hey, only teasin', Michaela. Michaela?" He repeated her name, noticing her eyes begin to glisten over.
"It's not," she was about to chastise him for his previous jovial comment, however couldn't manage to get the final word out. A choked sob was all she could manage.
Sully looked up immediately upon hearing her stifled cries. He instantly closed the distance between them, encircling her back with his left arm and drawing her, without objection, to his chest.
"Sorry, didn't mean to make light of it," Sully felt the wetness of her hair begin to seep through the fine fabric of his shirt. He did not mind in the slightest, if it meant he was able to provide her with the comfort he knew she needed.
"How do I make this go away," she whispered.
He rested his hand gently on the top of her head, the gentle shaking of her sobbing body against his chest, causing him to let his eyelids close. This was the moment he knew they needed. The moment he'd been longing for, for months now.
"Michaela, ain't nothing going to make this not have happened. Just gotta remember, ya got people who love you, who are always gonna be there for ya no matter what. No-one expects you to act like everything's all right. You don't gotta be so strong all the time," Sully felt her fingers clasp the sleeve of his shirt, protectively bringing his left arm further around her back. Michaela's small hands clutched his right forearm desperately.
"I can't, it's not that simple. Sully, I," Michaela felt a shiver ripple through her body, swallowing, not sure if she was really ready to be that honest with him.
"Ssh, you just gotta be patient, Michaela. Still early days." He glanced down at the wolf who'd settled himself defensively only several feet from Sully's legs.
"You don't understand, I," He saw the tormented agony sweep her face, his eyes dropping to study her perplexed expression, as he empathized with her reassuringly.
"I know you're scared. I know you feel like ain't nothin' gonna make everything all right again, just gotta give it time, Michaela." He tightened his arms around her back securely, looking down to see her head drop, making it impossible to see her face any longer.
"I just feel so cheated. As if everything I've worked for, struggled so hard for, wasn't worth it. That I would have been better off leading the life I was raised for, that this is some kind of punishment. That mother was right. That everything was a mistake. Then, when I catch myself wishing I'd died out there, I remember the children, and I feel all the more guilty." She remained perfectly still, Sully having no way of knowing the depths to which she felt her words.
"Michaela, look at me," Sully frowned slightly, his eyes squinting as he reached for the edge of her jaw line, slowly lifting her head until he could see her eyes.
"I let everyone down. My family, you, my father. I can't stand it any longer; waking up and it's the first thing I think of; not being able to sleep because I can't stop remembering and what's worse is, I don't know how I can live with it, but I don't have a choice," Michaela turned her attention to the tips of her fingers, seeing her nails dug deeply into his arm. Quickly removing her hand, Michaela felt his arm move from her back.
"You didn't let no-one down, don't you go thinkin' that. Sometimes things like this happen, don't make any sense at the time, just seems like pain, but there's always something we're meant to gain from it all. Some purpose, some," Sully searched desperately for the right words, none seeming appropriate.
"I, can't believe that. Maybe, I'm not strong enough," Michaela felt his fingers interlock with hers, waiting for what she assumed would be instant contradiction of her words.
Sully watched her study their joined hands, about to follow with immediate refute; however, he heard something else in her tone. Something that told him she herself knew she was strong enough, that she could be strong enough, that she just felt alone.
He watched a new tear trickle from the edge of her right eye, knowing that her defenses were down, knowing that she just might respond to his question; this time.
"Michaela, tell me. Tell me what happened." He felt the blood drain from his face; thinking about it was one thing, knowing he might now have to deal with sitting here and hearing it first-hand, was quite another. Sully felt his words linger in the silence between them, seemingly unheard, whilst he watched a minute drop of water travel along a wisp of Michaela's hair, picking up speed as it moved along the delicate strands, eventually falling once it reached the end, landing with an inaudible rupturing, mingling back with the water that still soaked her right shoulder.
He knew better than to look at her face for such a response; if indeed one was going to be forthcoming. About to consider changing the subject, Sully watched the tips of her fingers, still interlocked with his own, curl slightly, barely making contact with his hand. It was enough of a movement that he could sense she'd heard his statement; enough that he felt in his heart, she would reply.
"I saw you, at the bottom of the cliff. That's all I could see, all I could think of. I tried to go to you, but he wouldn't let me." Michaela blinked a single blink, new recollections filling her mind.
"I was so tired. I remember being on a horse again, then nothing. I can see fragments of memory, rather than everything in sequence, everything looked the same after a few days. I knew but somehow I kept hoping. I thought maybe it wouldn't happen but then I'd see you lying there again and remember. I couldn't stand thinking of you any longer. I knew that if I thought of you I'd fight. I tried to fight," Michaela's eyes fell closed, before opening them again in a flash, for anything was better than the darkness behind her lids.
"I tried." She dropped her head slightly, her fingers tensing against his as the memory played out, not just in her mind, but in her eyes; her body.
"I could see the blade of the knife, shimmering. The moon shining through just enough to catch it and, I felt it. like a scalpel, so sharp you don't feel it, until it's too late." She brought her hand subconsciously to the left side of her neck, moving her fingers away slowly, as if to check there was no blood.
"I knew then that I had a choice, but Brian, the children. I couldn't stop seeing them, I couldn't stop hearing their voices, hearing Christmas carols, and seeing Brian, dressed up in that ridiculous hat," Michaela's voice cracked slightly, her sobs breaking into a heartless, exasperated chuckle, only to be replaced immediately with stronger, more desperate pleas.
"Then, I was just cold." She looked down at her damp clothes clinging tightly to her upper body. Michaela could feel the wet material sticking to her skin, its heaviness had become physically suffocative.
"And and, I couldn't, his hands." She tensed her shoulders slightly, Sully letting his left arm move from her back, having realized that overwhelming proximity at this point may be too intrusive.
Michaela looked down momentarily to see that her arms had wrapped protectively around her chest, her hands clutching frantically, even violently at her upper arms.
"Please, make it, go away. I can still feel it. Make it stop!" She continued clawing at her arms and shoulders, her nails scratching through the delicate material of her blouse.
"Michaela, it's all right, it's," Sully drew a pained breath, fighting the indescribable urge to reach out and put an end to her potentially harmful outburst.
She didn't hear him. Her face dropped, hands mechanically moving along her arms, tearing desperately at the illusionary presence. Her gaze had fixated on a small patch of moss growing on the corner of the rock only inches from her right knee. Sully's eyes darted helplessly between her face and her fingers, her nails eventually splitting through the finely woven cotton, but still she did not stop.
"Michaela," His voice was stern, seeing the tendons on the backs on her hands raise with the strength she was exerting on her arms. He couldn't bear seeing the pain on her face, mirroring the pain in her heart.
"I didn't want it to be like that," she shook her head. "I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what was going to happen next."
Looking down towards his chest, Sully was being reminded of everything he'd seen that afternoon in the tepee; looking up only when he heard her voice trail off into anguished howls.
"I hurt, everywhere, but I couldn't do anything."
Quickly leaning forwards, he nervously brought a hand to her left shoulder, relieved when she once again sank back against his chest, her arms falling with exhaustion to her lap.
"It'll be all right, Michaela. Won't be like this forever," he swallowed, feeling her rock weakly in his arms; her face red with torment, her cheeks tear-stained.
"I know it hurts now but in time, be easier," Sully sighed, his attention still focused on the air leaving his lungs following his statement, before being drawn to a small, almost animal-like cry escaping Michaela's lips.
"No," she protested, her voice nothing more than a forced whisper.
"Michaela?" Sully frowned subtly, tilting his head so as to try to get a glimpse of her face, however she kept it buried against his chest.
"I," Michaela replayed Sully's words over in her head slowly, being caught off-guard when she felt the twinge. Tightening her jaw and squeezing her eyes closed firmly, she pushed her forehead deeper against his chest, bracing herself against the sharp, radiating discomfort spiraling from her stomach.
No, please. Not here, not like this.
"Michaela,you all right?" Sully felt her nose push harder into his chest, realizing she'd stopped crying minutes earlier. Reaching his right hand towards her chin, he managed to raise her head slightly.
"Sully, can we go home?" She whispered, her voice childlike and high-pitched.
"Sure, your ankle hurtin'?" He suddenly remembered her ailment, awkwardly pulling away from her, to arrive on his knees to her left.
"Yes," she felt the white lie leave her lips; the pain had subsided for a moment, allowing her time to draw a breath. It wasn't intense, only uncomfortable, and she was able to hide it sufficiently.
"Come on, left Flash just past those trees. We're not far from home, anyway." He brushed the top of her shoulder slightly, Michaela allowing him to help her to her feet.
Having just adjusted her weight on her right leg, Michaela glanced towards the direction he'd just indicated, about to vocalize her inability to walk, when she felt his arms encircle her ribcage and the back of her thighs.
"Sorry, I, just thought," Sully felt a lump form in his throat, Michaela's stunned expression at being swept off the ground making him regret his impulsivity.
"No, it's fine." She rested her left arm around his back, as they began the short journey back to the horse. As she felt herself pressed securely against his chest, Michaela gripped the edge of her damp skirt, in an attempt to combat the discomfort from both her stomach and ankle. Continuing through the densely overgrown forest, the light cramping once again subsided. Michaela let the material drop from her fingers, turning to study Sully's face as he made his way towards the horse, unaware of the turmoil she was in.