"Wanna make some cookies?" Colleen sighed, dropping the dish cloth over the back of one of the chairs, in frustration.
"No. Want Ma back," Came Brian's muffled reply, still buried underneath Michaela's quilt.
"How about ah, game a baseball?" She cringed slightly, not in the least bit interested, however trying anything by this stage to alleviate Brian's depression.
"Want Ma back!" he whined, his erratic behavior giving into a full-blown tantrum, as he pulled all the blankets and pillows in towards the center of the bed, the exasperated movements leaving him out of breath.
"Brian, please," Colleen ran her left hand down the side of her face, and pulled out the wooden chair, collapsing her weight down onto it, knowing there were bigger issues to attend to besides Brian's attachment insecurities.
The young girl merely rested her chin in her hands, as the boy continued to ignore her, performing more to get a reaction than anything else now. Deflecting her gaze from him at the moment he commenced jumping up and down on the bed, Colleen saw the pile of textbooks on the edge of the mantelpiece, getting to her feet and bringing them back to the table.
"Brian, I'm gonna count to three and then you're spending tonight out in the barn with Matthew. One," Colleen hadn't even turned to look at him at that point, however could hear that the jumping had ceased.
Turning to confirm her suspicions, she felt her shoulders hunch; Brian was curled up on Michaela's quilt and dressing gown, tears streaming from his face.
"Brian, Sully'll find her," Colleen shook her head, realizing she couldn't install false hope. She crossed the room, sitting once again on the edge of the bed, and reached out a hand to lay it on his back.
"Just, just like my dream, Colleen," The small boy's voice was thin, his back shaking as he continued crying.
"Dream?" She ventured, suspecting this wasn't going to be a pleasant topic, however felt any distraction, no matter how distressing, would be a more beneficial alternative to just leaving him to sob into the bedclothes.
"Ma was ridin' Flash but she was ridin' real scary like and I knew she was gonna fall but I couldn't do nothin' to stop it and then she fell, then I woke up," Brian traced his fingers delicately along the pattern of the quilt.
"Was she hurt?" Colleen leant forwards to enquire, surprised at the predictability of her brother's nightmares.
"Yeah, I couldn't see though. I just knew she was hurt," Brian hung his head, Colleen continuing to rub his back consolingly.
"Don't you worry Brian. Won't be lettin' her go off ridin' any," The children froze simultaneously, hearing the horse approach quickly towards the homestead.
"Ma? Ma! Ma!" Brian leapt instantaneously from the bed, pulling the front door of the homestead open and disappearing out onto the porch. Colleen hung her head thoughtfully for a few moments, hearing the door bang against the cupboard behind it, before rising to her feet and following the boy outside.
"Where's?" Brian ran to the front of the porch, his small body slamming against the railings as he recognized the approaching horse.
"Heya little brother," Matthew dismounted the horse, securing him several feet from Brian's dejected frame.
"What about Sully?" Brian reached possessively for Matthew's arm, the young man engulfing his brother in a comforting hug.
"You mean he ain't back yet?" Matthew looked around, an expression of disbelieving anger creeping across his face.
"No, thought you were stickin' together?" Colleen had emerged from the homestead by that time, her right hand worriedly on her hip, she interrogated her older brother.
"He wanted to go off traipsing into the forest, 'stead a checking 'round the Harrison's. Reckoned Wolf had a scent. Don't look too good if they're still not back," Matthew rolled his eyes, the rage that was still brewing from almost four mouths ago rising to the surface.
"Matthew, it's gonna be fine remember," Colleen's eye's flashed meaningfully in their younger brother's direction.
"Yeah whatever, fine." Matthew stuffed his hands deep into his pockets, reaching for the first thing that touched his fingertips; the small black carving knife Sully had given him over two years ago. Without a moment's hesitation, Matthew pulled his hands from his pockets, flinging the object furiously against the front of the homestead.
"Hey, Sully gave ya that," Brian frowned, not understanding the significance of his brother's display.
"Matthew get in here! Brian you, you wait and keep watch," Colleen darted her eyes between her two brothers, before pulling Matthew towards the door, shutting it once they were both inside.
"Just what is up with you! I've had it up to here with Brian all day, and then you get home, actin' just as bad," she scolded, her shoulders heaving in pent up outrage.
"Like you don't know. He's gone and done it again, ain't he? Tryin' to play the hero, actin' like he knows best, pushin' off anyone else's attempts of help. Meanwhile, Dr Mike's still out there, again," Matthew's eyes blazed, the strength of his voice indicating to Colleen he'd been bottling up this anger for months now.
"You know Sully ain't like that. He only wants what's best for Dr Mike," Colleen lowered her eyebrows, trying to read the blank darkness that had crossed Matthew's face.
"Yeah, right. All he's interested in is making up for screwin' up last time. He ain't the one gotta be here day in, day out, see what she's goin' through. He ain't the one who's gotta be pickin' up the pieces every time it all falls apart," Matthew turned, his right hand gesturing towards the wooden floor several yards away where the plate had been smashed only the night before.
"You finished?" Colleen crossed her arms with a huff, waiting for her brother to calm down enough to be receptive.
"I'm just sick of it, Colleen! Sick of seeing how hard you and I try every day. He don't see any of it, then thinks he's got the right to tell me where we're gonna go searchin'," Matthew slowed the pace of his voice, noticing the dismayed hopelessness more clearly on his sister's face.
"Well, you and I ain't the only ones been tryin' real hard lately, Matthew." Colleen let her arms drop back to her waist, fidgeting with the waistband of her skirt as she searched for the right words.
"I, I needa tell ya something. Don't think no-one else should know yet, not 'til I find out for certain one way or," The siblings turned towards the closed door, hearing a faint barking sound.
Colleen reached the door first, opening it and slipping out onto the porch, to hear Brian's exulted cries.
"Ma!" Brian screeched, nearly falling over his feet in his attempt to run from the porch, down the steps and across the yard to the approaching horse.
"Guess who gets to play the hero, again," Matthew whispered slyly.
"Oh, grow up," Colleen flicked her blond hair over her left shoulder, a relieved smile appearing on her face, as the pair continued along the porch after Brian.
"Here, Brian, you hold Flash for me," Sully, having led the horse back to the homestead, handed the boy the reins. Colleen and Matthew arrived just behind Brian, as Sully carefully helped Michaela from the horse. Brian thrust the reins into his brother's hands, hovering quickly to his mother's side.
"Ma, ya all right, Ma? What happened," Brian reached for her left hand, gripping the sleeve of her white blouse possessively, as Sully adjusted Michaela in his arms.
"Ya ma just had a little accident, she's fine, Brian," Sully nodded towards the homestead, Colleen quickly disappearing inside to remake Michaela's bed after Brian's earlier tantrum.
"She don't look fine. Ma?" He frowned, unconvinced.
"Brian, I'm fine, sweetheart. I just sprained my ankle. I'm fine." Michaela sighed, reassuring the overly concerned boy. She watched as he processed her words, letting his fingers unclench from her blouse.
"Oh." He hung his head, staring down towards her feet, as if expecting a sprained ankle to be outwardly apparent.
"Come on, get ya inside, ya can put ya feet up," Sully glanced quickly at Matthew as he proceeded to carry Michaela across the yard, and into the homestead, Brian trailing loyally behind them.
Colleen had just finished remaking the bed, when Sully and Michaela entered the homestead behind her. Placing Michaela down carefully onto the mattress, he turned to the girl; Colleen appearing more absorbed in studying Michaela's ragged appearance.
"Ya might wanna help her outa those wet clothes, I'll head outside, wait with the boys," Sully stared Brian down instantly, the small boy watching the older man's eyes dart from him to the doorway, receiving the message very clearly; they were leaving.
"But but," Brian protested, Sully patting his back quickly in encouragement.
"Come on, help Matthew put Flash away," Sully watched the boy pace sulkily out onto the porch, before turning momentarily to see Colleen back at Michaela's bedside.
"Medical bag's out with Flash if ya need it," Sully frowned, noticing Michaela's quietness, barely a word having passed between them throughout the journey home.
Colleen frowned slightly, not following his meaning. She turned towards him, shaking her head. "I don't?" Sully cut her off, his right hand resting on the doorframe.
"Flash spooked crossing a river, Dr Mike sprained her ankle," Sully informed the girl slowly, before he nodded and slowly left the room. Colleen did not rotate back to face Michaela until the door had closed firmly behind him.
"Dr Mike?" Colleen rested her hands nervously on the edge of the bed, thoughts flooding through her mind, an overwhelming realization beginning to dawn on her. If indeed Michaela was pregnant, Colleen knew she knew better than to be riding; therefore Colleen's worse suspicions were confirmed. If Michaela was pregnant, then there was only one possible reason for her to still be riding.
"I'm all right, Colleen. Really," Michaela reached hesitantly for the top button of her blouse, having no excuse to not begin stripping the wet clothes from her body.
"But Sully said, your ankle?" Colleen walked around the edge of Michaela's bed, pushed the white curtain aside, and entered her dressing area, searching for dry clothing.
"It's not as bad as it was, just a superficial sprain," Michaela pulled the still damp blouse from her skirt, realizing the sun had dried her clothing from the outside in, and her chemise was still wet to the touch.
"You want fresh clothing, or just a nightdress, Dr Mike?" The young girl turned back towards the bed, her right arm gripping her left upper arm, her previous conversation with Brian still playing on her mind.
"I," Michaela looked down at the soaking wet clothing she was still in, realizing that in either case she'd have to change her undergarments, quickly deducing that her nightgown would see this achieved with far greater speed and propriety.
"A nightdress will be fine, Colleen," Michaela replied, just wishing she had some privacy for a few minutes. The discomfort she'd been feeling sporadically over the last half an hour or so had faded, however, Michaela did not know whether to be relieved or not. The prospect that the one thing she'd struggled for, begged for over the past few weeks, could be coming true, suddenly proved terrifying.
"Here," Colleen placed the neatly folded clothing just beside her, pacing efficiently around to the left side of the bed once again, reaching her arm out to help Michaela pull herself to her feet.
"Brian was real worried, Dr Mike. Matthew too," Colleen muttered, Michaela balancing her weight uneasily against the young girl's shoulder.
"Well, there was no need," Michaela awkwardly unfastened her pale lilac skirt, the heavy material falling from her waist into a heap at her feet.
Colleen deflected her eyes subtly, although curiosity was still biting at her heels; She wanted to know. Michaela fortunately was unaware of her daughter's suspicions, too preoccupied with just wanting to get into dry clothing to notice that her saturated bloomers clung obviously to her protruding stomach. Not that her small belly was excessively apparent, however Colleen knew, from more traumatic situations, how slim Michaela was. In what was only a fleeting glance as the young girl bent down to collect the damp skirt from the floor, her suspicions were confirmed.
"So you're not hurt?" Colleen swallowed, laying the skirt on the side of the bed as she helped Michaela back into a sitting position.
"Just, I fell on my side, my shoulder," Michaela winced slightly, managing to slip her arms from the sleeves of her blouse, handing the slightly damaged item to Colleen.
"Dr Mike, your arms," The girl frowned, her attention shifting immediately from the garment in her hands to Michaela's scratched and red skin.
"It's noth-" Michaela was about to dismiss Colleen's concerns swiftly, however took the opportunity to glance down at the self-inflicted scratch marks.
"Ma, I, here." She reached across the bed for the nightgown, before settling herself back at Michaela's feet, delicately untying the laces of her black boots.
Michaela's fingers fell lightly over the crisp, soft fabric, Colleen continuing to carefully remove her boots.
"You finish, I'll go get your bag, bandage your ankle, put some salve on your arms," Colleen tenderly slid Michaela's stockings from her legs, rolling them into a neat ball and placing them beside her boots on the edge of the quilt.
"Thank-you," Michaela answered, worried that the relief in her sighed response may have been too obvious. She clasped her hands in her lap, watching as the young girl stood and walked from the room.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Sully ruffled Brian's hair playfully, the young boy sitting on a bale of hay, head in his hands, watching his older brother unharness Flash.
"Did Ma really end up in a river, Sully? That why her clothes all wet?" Brian raised an eyebrow, carefully peeling a piece of straw into fine strands.
"Yeah," Sully crossed the straw-covered floor, sensing Matthew's hostility as he bundled the harness together and led the horse into her stall.
"She all right?" Matthew's voice was heavy and thick with resentment.
"Fine, sprained ankle," Sully nodded slowly, Matthew disappearing momentarily into the stall as he settled the horse in for the night.
"Makes a change," Came Matthew's stinging reply.
Brian lowered his head, absorbing himself in mutilating yet another innocent straw of hay.
Sully looked from the small boy across to the stall where Flash was being secured in. Sliding his feet across the floor, he was determined to hear whatever it was Matthew needed to get off his chest.
"If there's somethin' ya wanna say to me, then I wanna hear it," Sully rested his elbows over the edge of the fence, Matthew having just finished returning a very exhausted Flash to her stall, before hanging up her bridle and reins. What had become a tactful enquiry into Michaela's well-being, had quickly developed into a much subtler discourse.
"No you don't. Trust me," Matthew secured the stall door closed, dusting off his hands and avoiding Sully's encouraging eyes.
"Matthew." He reached for his arm, fingers locking around the young man's elbow, neither of them expecting the outburst that followed.
"Had to play the hero again, didn't ya. Had to be the knight in shining armor. To hell with the consequences, as long as you managed to save the day!" Matthew pulled his arm away violently, Sully moving forwards at precisely the wrong moment, receiving a fist squarely in the gut, neither expecting the physical contact to be so forceful.
"I think you needa settle down. I know you're upset, know you were worried," Sully watched as Matthew slowly pulled his clenched hand away, bringing it in a very controlled manner back down to his side, before looking the older man directly in the eyes.
"What the hell do you know? You know nothing! You're only 'round here for the roast dinners, and the sing-a-longs, and the romantic moonlight talks. You're not here when it matters. Not here when Brian goes screaming across the homestead into his ma's bed in the middle of the night, not here when Colleen has to comfort Dr Mike when she's crying her lungs out, broken china scattered at her feet. You ain't around for the tough stuff, you ain't around to see what my sister has to cope with, struggling, doin' everything she can to keep this family together," Matthew narrowed his eyes, seeing Brian crouched nervously behind a bale of hay.
"Get inside!" he ordered, his voice gruff and deep, something neither Brian, nor Sully had ever heard before. Without a sound, the young boy scampered from the barn, Sully shaking his head, about to turn back to Matthew in confrontation.
"Matthew, no need to go yellin' at him like that," Sully raised his hand, trying as non-threateningly as possible to calm the young man down.
"Don't you tell me how to talk to my own brother, ain't none of your business! We were goin' just fine as a family, before you got involved. Come to think of it, none a this woulda happened in the first place. Was you gettin' Dr Mike to go out to the Reservation all the time, caused this and then you couldn't even finish what you started," Matthew had raised his right hand in front of them by this stage, his fingers crumpling into a fist, as he attempted to push aside the emotion that had coated his voice.
"Why, why'd you let 'em take her? Why'd you let him hurt her! Why didn't you stop this," The young man had to look away; he couldn't let the tears falling from his eyes be seen.
Sully drew a silent breath; knowing everything Matthew had said was true. Knowing he couldn't forgive himself for that, he could only do everything in his power to help everyone recover.
"You're right. That's something I'm gonna have to live with. Same as Dr Mike, same as you, Colleen, and Brian. Same as Cloud Dancin', and Snow Bird. Blaming people don't make it stop hurtin', Matthew."
Sully saw Colleen enter the barn, communicating visually that she needed to give them several minutes alone.
The young girl quickly retrieved the medical bag on the floor by the barn door and retreated back towards the homestead.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela removed her chemise and settled the nightdress around her waist. A guilt-ridden heaviness settled in her chest when she reflected upon Colleen's tact and gentleness.
Reaching her hands under the gathered material of the nightgown, Michaela found the waistband of her bloomers, pushing them gently past her hips and along her legs until she felt them brush over the tips of her feet.
Bundling her clothes into an orderly pile, Michaela pushed the nightgown over her knees with a perplexed sigh. She sunk her head back against the headboard of the bed; the goose bumps forming on her forearms complimenting the panicked tingling which ran through every vein of her being.
Nothing.
She'd been sure from the moment she felt the tightness radiating from her lower abdomen, to the moment she reached for the waistband of her bloomers that she'd succeeded. Even though the discomfort had ceased during the long uncomfortable ride home, Michaela had remained confident the violent horse ride had served its purpose.
Nothing.
Glancing at the clothes neatly piled beside her, Michaela cringed, remembering the clean undergarments she'd removed only moments before. There had been no indication that her earlier exertion had in any way helped to free her from her unmentionable circumstance.
Her head tilted back to glance up at the ceiling, Michaela felt emotional intensity threaten to overtake her once again. She distracting herself by reaching down to draw the quilt up to her chest. Settling her arms in her lap, Michaela felt herself jump at the sound of the door opening beside her. Brian's distinctive blond head appeared around the wooden door.
"Ma?" He held his hands over his eyes, remembering how bad he'd felt for his earlier spying.
"Brian, I'm finished," Michaela replied, shaking her head tiredly as the young boy approached the bed, gesturing with his hand before settling himself comfortably beside her.
"Did you and Sully have a fun time playing baseball?" Michaela drew the left side of her mouth up in question.
"Not really. I dunno. Ma?" Brian frowned, looking in confused concern between the ajar door, his hands in his lap and finally Michaela's face.
"You look worried about something, Brian?" Michaela tentatively moved her right hand from her lap, wrapping it around his small palm.
"Matthew's mad at Sully again," Brian hung his head; mad was an understatement.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Matthew had, by this time, controlled his tears; His tears, but not his anger.
"That's fine from where you're sittin'. Makes perfect sense. Well, it don't make no sense when you have to see that pain everyday on the faces of people you love. Don't make no sense when I can't even be with Ingrid, without remembering what happened to Ma. So, tell me, tell me how I'm meant to make sense of it all, please," Matthew swallowed, knowing his question was purely rhetorical, however somewhat amused at the notion that Sully might just attempt to answer it.
"You're right, I can't," Sully looked between Matthew's distraught face, and the hay-strewn floor, before returning his gaze to the boy's empty eyes.
"I can't, I'm sorry," Sully balanced his weight out between his feet, before turning towards the barn door, pacing slowly through it and away from Matthew's view.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"Told ya about the bad dream I had though, Ma. Told ya you were gonna fall off Flash," Brian nodded his head, a childlike wisdom evident in the tone of his voice.
"Guess I should have listened," Michaela idly smoothed out his fine hair, her thoughts a million miles away, not having heard the several minutes of ramblings from the child's mouth.
The pair looked across the room as the door opened once again. Colleen reentered the room and arrived next to Brian beside the bed.
"Dr Mike, started some soup after lunch. Should be ready in a few hours," The young girl focused her attention on bandaging Michaela's left ankle, barely able to bring herself to glance in her mother's direction.
"Fine, Colleen," Michaela responded, watching the girl absorb herself in the task. Brian seized his opportunity immediately and pulled himself from the bed.
"How about some checkers, Ma? Just 'til supper," The hope-filled smile spread across the child's face.
"No, Brian, Dr Mike's gotta rest," Colleen tied the ends of the bandage together, her hands falling back awkwardly to her lap.
"Aww," The young boy whined habitually, Colleen hushing him with a finger to her lips angrily.
"Maybe later, Brian," Michaela looked strangely between her two children, surprised at the authority in Colleen's voice.
"Alright Ma." He sat back on the bed, before unexpectedly crawling over Michaela's legs to settle himself at her right.
"Can't I stay if I promise to be real quiet. Won't move or make a sound, I promise," Brian pleaded, dropping his head to the pillow in imitation.
"I suppose, just you let Dr Mike sleep," Colleen clipped the metal clasp on Michaela's bag closed with a loud click, settling it on the floor beside her bed, whilst Michaela reluctantly pushed herself further down in the bed.
"Wake you when supper's ready," Colleen informed her unemotionally, crossing the room and attending to the soup on the stove.
"Night Ma," Brian waited until Colleen was out of earshot, before whispering across the mere inches between their heads.
Michaela felt the boy's hand brush against her own as her eyes dropped closed, her head sinking with exhaustion into the pillow.
Brian smiled softly as he noticed sleep almost instantly overtake her, his eyes glistening in the relief that she was once again back safe by his side.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Matthew finished chopping through the final piece of wood, collecting the pile together, as Colleen appeared several feet behind him.
"Supper, Matthew," she called lightly, waiting until she knew he'd heard her before returning back inside.
"Can I wake Ma up, Colleen?" Brian whispered, having remained vigilantly seated on the edge of the bed.
"All right, Brian," Colleen finished dishing the soup into the bowls, moving them two at a time over towards the table.
"Ma, supper. Supper," Brian shook her shoulder lightly, Michaela stirring tiredly.
"You stay there, Dr Mike," Colleen located a small wooden tray alongside the stacked crockery, moving Michaela's bowl and spoon onto it.
"I'm really all right to," Michaela sighed, frustrated by the beneficial properties her enforced bed rest was having.
"No you're not. Here," Colleen's tone was defiant and brisk, setting the tray carefully in Michaela's lap.
"Come on, Brian, at the table," Colleen raised an eyebrow, the boy scampering to his place.
Colleen sat down beside Brian, everyone looking up as Matthew entered the room, placing the firewood precariously in a pile near the stone fireplace, taking his seat opposite his sister.
Brian reached his hands out to his sides, the young boy looking awkward between his mother and sister, for instruction.
"Who's saying the blessin'?" Brian asked, his mouth twitching slightly.
"Think it's Matthew's turn," Colleen shrugged, her voice dejected and tired.
"Right, ah," Matthew cleared his throat, taking his brother and sister's hands, everyone bowing their heads solemnly.
"We thank the Lord for the food before us, like to thank Colleen for preparing it, and ah, for us being here as a family to enjoy it. Amen," Matthew finished succinctly.
"Amen," Michaela, Colleen and Brian, responded, before they all lifted their heads and proceeded with supper.
"Smells great, Colleen," Matthew smiled, reaching for a biscuit and splitting it open. Brian followed suit, proudly reaching into his pocket and retrieving his pocketknife to slice the hot biscuit open.
"Thanks," Colleen placed the final bowl down in front of herself, alternating her gaze between Michaela and the steaming liquid.
"Yes, it's delicious," Michaela brought the spoon to her lips, aware of the bizarre attention she was receiving from Colleen.
"Just so long as you eat it," The young girl flicked a strand of hair from her shoulder, as she turned her head, her eyes unwittingly locking with Michaela's for a single moment.
"What's that suppose to mean?" Michaela nearly dropped the spoon, Colleen's icy expression melting into a single raised eyebrow. Matthew and Brian remained oblivious to the exchange, amused in throwing scraps subtly to Pup.
"Thought you'd know better that's all," Colleen glanced across to ensure the boys were still distracted, before resting her chin in her right hand, taking another mouthful of soup as Michaela took in her words.
Michaela felt the hairs on her face and the back of her neck tingle, unable to escape the stern expression on Colleen's face.
Matthew's eyes flashing in her direction, having just managed to catch the last few words of their conversation.
"What?" The young man stretched his arms out behind his head, settling himself more comfortably into the chair.
"Nothin'," Colleen dropped her eyelids, both women turning their attention back towards the food in front of them.
Michaela could feel her heart palpitating in her chest, concentrating all her efforts on moving the spoon slowly around in her bowl, her mind churning irrational and catastrophic thoughts at her, faster than she could refute them.
She knows. But how does she know? I've been so careful, I don't understand.
Michaela was once again left with a single, undeniable truth:
I can't deal with this.