Sully had moved awkwardly around the house, talking in a hushed voice with Rebecca every now and then, and with Matthew and Colleen. He tried to remember what he had planned to do once they arrived. He hadn't anticipated it being this difficult, this, isolated.
Brian and Penelope disappeared to play once she arrived home from school, and still Michaela stayed in her room.
Around six o'clock Sully and Colleen found themselves pacing aimlessly around the sitting room. Colleen had admired the fine artwork on the walls at least three times, before both she and Sully realized something needed to change.
"This is hopeless," Colleen sighed, dropping down to the large couch in the middle of the room.
"I know," Sully went to shrug his hair back, before realizing there was nothing there.
"Weren't what I thought would happen," Colleen mumbled, "thought she'd be more upset. Thought she'd even be angry," Colleen shook her head and turned her gaze towards the stairs, gesturing to the bedrooms.
"She's confused, Colleen. Strugglin' to cope. Not coping," he considered.
"You ain't gonna let her have the abortion, are you?" Colleen frowned, seeing the weakness in Sully's eyes.
"Let her? Ain't about lettin' her, it's up to her. I don't know, I thought I did, but," he sighed, taking a seat next to her.
"Why can't we just all go home?" Colleen gripped her hands tightly in her lap. She just wanted everything to return to normal. Although she barely remembered what that was.
"Because I ain't gonna force her to do somethin' she ain't ready to do, Colleen. If she needs time to decide what she wants, then, that's what we'll do."
"But she don't even know what she wants! How do we know she ain't gonna hurt herself again. What if she decides that's what she wants?" Colleen looked away miserably.
"Well, that's why we're here. Gonna listen, try and talk. Be supportive. Ain't about telling her what to do, it's about supporting her to makin' the right decision."
Colleen glanced up at him skeptically, "and you know what that is?" she raised an eyebrow skeptically.
"Reckon we gotta get her home. Colorado Springs gonna be more acceptin' than Boston, any day. And, much as I wanna support her, will do everything I can to stop her killing that baby, I promise ya," Sully reached for the young girl's arm gently.
"You think it's murder too?" Colleen sighed, relieved that someone actually felt the same way as her.
"Not as simple as that. Mostly I think it's gonna make it harder for ya ma. Maybe not for a month, even six months, but after a year or so, she's always gonna remember, and it's just gonna be something more to feel guilty about, and that guilt would be real."
They both looked up as the sounds of running feet down the stairs.
"Hey kids," Sully smiled, as Brian and Penny skipped into the room in their outlandish costumes.
"Hey Sully," Brian looked away, precariously balancing the large top hat on his head, slightly embarrassed at the game he'd been roped into.
"What ya playin'?" Sully chuckled and gestured towards Penelope's long skirt, which trailed several feet behind her.
"Ask her," Brian cringed, and gestured towards the young girl, who looped her arm around his proudly.
"I'm the mother and he's the father, and we're going out to dinner," Penelope drawled in an over-the-top accent.
Brian chuckled uncontrollably.
"Ya sound like Aunt Marjorie, stop it!" He nudged her playfully in the ribs, as she pulled him along.
"Come along, daarrrling. We don't want to be late." She pointed her nose up towards the ceiling and clutched the china doll tighter in her right arm, the pair moving away quickly down the hall.
Colleen rolled her eyes, "Poor Brian. Bet he misses his frogs right about now."
"I'll say," Sully shook his head, as the children disappeared into the study.
Colleen paced around the large sitting room, stopping at a small collection of photographs above the mantel. "Hey, Sully. Look," she smiled, as he arrived by her side. "Reckon that's Dr Mike?" she pointed to the framed family portrait.
"Gotta be. She's the youngest," Sully grinned softly, seeing the resemblance immediately. "Wonder what happened to those curls, though," he observed, as Colleen placed the picture back and reached for another.
"Must be Aunt Rebecca. Look at that dress, isn't that pretty!" Colleen admired the wedding photo, with an awed gasp.
"Sure is," Sully nodded, awkwardly detached from the moment. He felt out of place.
"Sully, know it's none a my business, but you and Dr Mike were courtin'. Reckon ya woulda been married by now, if this hadn't happened?" she shrugged and carefully placed the photograph back.
"Maybe. I really don't know. A lot of things would have been different. Colleen, marriage is just a word," he began, the young girl looking up, her objection obvious. "What I meant is, it ain't the weddin' ceremony what matters. What matters is every day, showin' ya care for someone, showin' ya love them. Now, ya know I care for ya ma. I care for all of ya and I love her. Always will," he drew a breath, Colleen calmly accepting his words, "And whether we actually get married or not, ain't gonna mean I'll love her any the more, just like not gettin' married won't mean I'll love her any less."
"So, like you're already married," she frowned, trailing off.
"Sorta, all I meant was, actually gettin' married ain't gonna change anything. I'm already committed to your ma, whether she knows it or not," Sully stated firmly.
"Sully, can I ask ya somethin'," Colleen thought since they were on the subject, she'd ask a question that had been burning away at her for a few weeks now. He nodded with a welcoming smile, and she pursed her lips nervously. "Well, thing is, Lewis and I, well we been kinda friendly and he, well he's been real nice to me. When we were rehearsin' for the play, he, we kissed." She blushed slightly, and looked away, "except Dr Mike saw us, and she got real mad."
"I see," Sully shifted his weight between both feet, feeling the more awkward demands of fatherhood being thrown at him.
"She says I'm too young to be seein' him, lettin' him kiss me. But it was only a kiss, and I like him and I," Colleen stumbled, and looked up at him for advice.
Sully nodded and dropped his hands to the girl's shoulders.
"Colleen, you think maybe Dr Mike was overreacting?" Sully asked tentatively.
"Did at the time. Do you think she really meant I'm too young to be seeing Lewis, or do you think it's just because she's scared?" Colleen looked into Sully's accepting eyes.
"Maybe it's both, Colleen. I know courtin' is very different here. Might be Dr Mike was just comparing you to the standards she was raised to, and also might be she's scared of ya gettin' hurt." He brushed the girl's hair back over her shoulder.
"But that ain't my fault, ain't my fault she never kissed a boy 'til she was twenty-five. Ain't my fault she got hurt. So why's she takin' what happened to her out on me?" Colleen felt a guilty feeling build up in her chest. Maybe she was being too hard on Michaela.
"None of it is anyone's fault, Colleen and that includes ya ma," Sully paused. Twenty-five?
He returned his attention to the conversation at hand, "So, you like Lewis, don't ya?" He smiled, seeing Colleen's eyes dance with infatuation.
"Well, yeah," her cheeks reddened further in embarrassment.
"Ain't nothin' wrong with that, far as I can see, and ain't nothin' wrong with the two of ya bein' friendly, long as you're honest about how ya feel and with him. Long as you're comfortable." Sully waited for Colleen to absorb his words.
"What about Ma, though? If she doesn't want me seein' him," Colleen replied quickly.
"Well if it's a problem, I'll talk to her. You know though, it's more about ya ma than about you."
"Yeah, she sure weren't so," Colleen searched for the best word, "defensive before. Always been kinda sensitive about it all, never knew why. Even when we were talkin' 'bout kissin', she's all 'ya needa be careful' and that was over a year ago. Was that just how she's been raised?" Colleen felt Sully's arms drop from her shoulders, as he pondered a suitable response.
"I don't know, we ain't ever really talked about it. I only know that those things were - are very different here," Sully looked around the room slowly.
"Coz of her family? Coz they're rich?" Colleen frowned, examining her neatly manicured fingernails.
"Could be. I know marriages are often arranged between families like this. I mean, how would it be if ya ma and pa said you were marryin' Benjamin Avery from the time you were Brian's age," Sully chuckled at the openly horrified look that flashed across Colleen's face.
"I'd be runnin' away," she answered jokingly.
"Wouldn't be much fun havin' to marry someone you didn't even love, would it?" Sully watched Colleen shake her head confidently.
"Don't know if I even wanna get married," Colleen shrugged turning towards the warm fire.
"You will. You'll meet some dashing young man," Sully cupped the back of her head tenderly.
The pair watched the fire in a comfortable silence for several minutes, Colleen resting her head against Sully's chest.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Matthew wandered around the large garden behind the residence, his hands stuffed deeply into his pockets. He felt frustrated; angry. He felt out of control. He remembered fragments of the conversation they'd had whilst sitting with Michaela.
"How was the trip?"
"Isn't the house delightful?"
"Can you believe Sully cut his hair?"
The young man shrugged off the frustration, as he kicked a stone across the perfectly kept grass.
He kept his head lowered on the stone he'd just assaulted, as he heard the back door open and then close many yards away. A smile broadened on his face.
"Brian, told ya, I ain't savin' ya from Penny no more. Just go and tell her you don't wanna pl-" He turned and looked up, his words catching in his throat. "Sorry," Matthew apologized, receiving a small smile of understanding.
The young man turned back to gaze out across the spacious surroundings, for the first time, noticing the chill in the air. "You ain't cold?"
"No," Michaela's reply was soft, yet succinct. Matthew looked back at her as she spoke.
Matthew nodded slowly, and turned his head back away to the precisely trimmed flowers and shrubs which lined the garden. He didn't know what to say. How ya feelin'? No. We really missed you? Rather obvious.
Matthew kept licking his lips, and moving his mouth, hoping that maybe inspiration would come. Nothing.
He heard her footsteps approach from behind and could discreetly see her out of the corner of his right eye. He felt like he needed to say something. But he didn't want to say the wrong thing. Fortunately, he didn't need to.
"When did Sully find out?" Michaela wrapped the knitted shawl tighter around her shoulders, arriving by Matthew's right side.
"Last Thursday, he came into town," he winced, the guilt becoming unbearable, "I'm sorry, Ma, didn't mean to tell him. But he knew you were gone, and you know what he's like. In the end he practically guessed. If I hadn't a told him, Colleen woulda," he still didn't look at her, "She found the letter, from the doctor. That's how we knew where ya were."
Michaela saw the young man's face crumple into guilt and worry, and slowly reached her left hand forwards to brush the back of his shoulder. "It's all right, Matthew. It was probably for the best."
"Ain't ya mad? Sully, we, wrecked everything. If we hadn't a come here, it'd all be over. Now, between him and Colleen, they ain't gonna let you, do this," he shrugged, unsure of the terminology, and not really wanting to be overly descriptive.
"I don't think it was what I wanted anyway," she drew an emotional breath.
"What do ya mean? Today at William's, you were gonna." Matthew shook his head, confused.
"I know but, I'd had doubts." Michaela was still thwarted by her own confusion.
"Ma, no-one wants you to do this. I mean, well, it ain't like you gotta feel it's what people want. Because we don't."
"Matthew, it's not as simple as what I want," she replied.
He cut her off abruptly, "Yes it is. We just wanna be a family. Be together."
"Matthew, that is very idealistic, and sweet, but there's other people to consider."
"Like who?" He snapped quickly, knowing she was referring to Sully.
"All of you. Colleen, and Brian. I don't want them having to suffer because of this. It would reflect on all of you, and I refuse to let that happen."
"Don't care about that, neither do they," his voice raised slightly as he continued, "Ma, you've no idea how frightened Colleen was for you. After she read that letter. Nothin's worth losing you over. Nothin'."
"Well, what if it didn't need to be that way?" Michaela moved her arm around her son's back, considering the only other viable option.
"Ma?" Matthew shrugged.
"I could stay here and then come back home after," she voiced delicately, feeling as though she was more just speaking her thoughts out loud than actually communicating.
"After? What good would that do? For starters it would just look suspicious, and even Hank ain't that dumb." Matthew took a breath, and softened his voice, "And why would we wanna go home without you? We've all been petrified since gettin' that telegram in Denver. Ma, don't you understand that? I care more about you than what the likes of Hank, or some dumb school kid might say, and that goes for Colleen and Brian too."
"Yes, but it's easy to think that now. In a few months, it will be-"
"In a few months, nothing." He spoke over her very quickly. "I mean it, Ma. Don't care about anyone else. Besides, Miss Olive was nothin' but supportive and I'll bet most a the town'll be the same. Is that what you're scared of, Ma? What people will say?"
"Somewhat. I'm used to it, though. My entire life practically, people have been talking about me behind my back. Only, it's usually things I'm proud of," she sighed.
"Then, what else?" He pushed a little further, seeing the distraction in her eyes.
"That Sully won't, feel the same," she replied quietly.
"He loves you," Matthew countered honestly, and without hesitation.
"He feels sorry for me," Michaela corrected sharply, and pulled her hand away, folding them both tightly across her chest.
"But that doesn't mean he can't also love you." Matthew softened his voice.
"I don't want his love out of pity," Michaela was on his heels quickly with each rebuttal.
"It's not pity. He loved you before. He's never stopped loving you." Matthew turned to his right, shaking his head to add conviction to his words.
Michaela looked away, her eyes dropped downwards, as she accepted his comment. There was a considerable pause, whilst he gazed over her slightly pale complexion, her wind-blown hair. She'd put on noticeable weight in little more than a week. He was about to glance back to the sunset in front of them when he heard her almost whispered question.
"Matthew, what if it was Ingrid?" Michaela could tell she had thrown him off-balance.
"Wh-what?" he stammered, not expecting her name to feature in the present conversation.
"If this had happened to Ingrid," her voice adopted a cool, clinical tone.
"Dr Mike, I really don't wanna go there," His jaw wobbled, and his voice wavered uncomfortably.
"Why?" She raised an eyebrow, her tone direct.
"Be-because I love her. We're gettin' married. Don't wanna think about somethin' like that," The thought repulsed him.
"Exactly," Michaela had proved her point by his facial expression alone.
He felt his stomach drop, realizing he'd walked right into that trap. "No, I meant, I."
"Would you want to marry her, or would you just feel sorry for her?"
"I, I'd," he searched desperately for the right words, feeling slightly nauseated by the thought, "Both."
Michaela dropped her gaze, studying the finely woven yarn of the cream-colored shawl. "and could you love a child that wasn't your own?"
"I could love her and, yes, I could love her child. Coz it'd be a part of her," Matthew stated honestly, feeling the queasiness dissipate slowly.
Michaela didn't utter another word. Matthew looked between her and the stunning sunset, as he felt the tension gradually soften between them.
"Ma, ya gotta talk to Sully," he spoke plainly.
"I know," Again there was a long silence, as they both watched the sun continue to descend magnificently into the horizon.
"Is Colleen angry with me?" Michaela asked quietly, having noticed the girl's detached manner all afternoon.
"She's just young. Doesn't understand how things can be complicated. She ain't angry with you, angered by your actions maybe. She'll get over it," Matthew spoke frankly, his age affording him a touch of wisdom, however.
"And you?" Michaela enquired lightly.
"Ma, you know how I feel. Whatever you think is best, I'll support," he reiterated strongly.
"But what do you think?" She pressed, taking a step closer to the young man's side.
"Well, I think we all needa go home. Give people a few weeks, let the gossip and rumors die down. Then everything will be fine. People'll find somethin' new to talk about, you know what they're like." Matthew watched her consider his suggestion, her eyes moving awkwardly as she played out the notion in her mind.
Both looked up at the sound of the door opening and slamming closed.
"Ellen says supper's ready," Brian ran quickly out onto the back lawn, slipping between his mother and brother.
"Oh, she did, did she?" Michaela smiled and placed both her hands around the boy's small shoulders.
"Uh-huh, and she made heaps. Soup and, and somethin' I couldn't understand," he frowned, preferring it when he at least could pronounce the name of the food he was going to be eating.
"Cordon bleu?" Michaela prompted, Brian dropping his head back to smile up at her.
"Aww, yeah. That ain't like snails, is it?" He made an unimpressed face.
"No, you'll like it." Michaela reached for the child's hand, as Matthew slipped his arm around her back, and the three walked slowly back towards the house.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"I must say, Mr. Sully, I would have hardly recognized you," Edmund waited until they'd started dessert before contributing to the conversation.
"Oh yeah, I know. It's a bit different," Sully nodded politely, and brought his fork slowly to the rich chocolate cake on the small plate in front of him.
"Certainly does make you look more civilized. I must say, seeing you last year, at Mrs. Quinn's birthday, I was not quite sure what to make," he smirked lightly, Matthew and Colleen meeting eyes at the tension.
"Well, in my experience, sir, the length of a person's hair is not generally any indication as to their degree of civility." Sully replied very correctly.
Rebecca dropping her eyes closed, in silent prayer that they wouldn't end up in a disagreement.
"No, but, it does perhaps, lend oneself to question, just who such a person wishes to identify with," Edmund continued, Matthew seeing his aunt's concern, and quickly coming to the rescue.
"Aunt Rebecca, I just wanted to thank you once again, for being so accommodating and you also, Uncle Edmund. Three extra people with no notice, is a lot to ask," Matthew saw the unshielded relief flash across his aunt's face.
"That's quite alright, Matthew. Colleen can share with Penny, which will leave Brian's room for yourself and Sully," Rebecca informed the group tactfully.
Brian frowned, and looked up nervously, "Where am I meant to sleep?" His jaw trembled.
"In the cellar, with the rats and the mice!" Matthew leant closer towards him and spoke very slowly. He chuckled quietly.
The small boy glared up at his aunt, terrified.
"Matthew, really. Brian you'll need to share with your mother," she watched the relief recolor the child's face.
"All right," he shrugged and eagerly spooned another mouthful of the rich dessert into his mouth.
"Not hungry, Colleen?" Sully noticed everyone had at least touched their dessert apart from the girl.
"Nah," she muttered and clasped her hands together in her lap.
"Are you feeling all right?" Michaela frowned and looked towards her.
Colleen didn't even try to hide her contempt, "Don't worry, I'm not dyin'," she rolled her eyes, and glanced back down at the food on her plate.
The table fell into an uncomfortable silence, Brian's surprised gasp breaking everyone out of their awkwardness.
"Nothin'," he supplied quickly, having managed to glance downwards and locate the source of his shock. Penny had kicked him again.
Matthew and Edmund Jr. quickly absorbed themselves back into conversation, as did Rebecca and her husband.
After another painful ten minutes or so, Brian and Penelope quickly asked to be excused, and ran off towards the stairs with excited giggles. Matthew and Edmund Jr. retreated to the library, Colleen taking one frustrated glare around the table before deciding to join them.
"Rebecca, I really do apologize for the inconvenience," Michaela smiled as Ellen finished taking the dishes out into the kitchen.
"It's not a problem, Michaela. I think it's wonderful to have everyone together," she smiled across at Sully sincerely.
Michaela nodded thoughtfully and wondered what to do to occupy the next two hours or so, until she could reasonably justify that it was bedtime.
Edmund pushed back his chair and glanced around the table politely, "Do excuse me, I've some preparations to make for a meeting tomorrow morning. Good evening," he was suitably cordial, and leant over to kiss Rebecca softly on the cheek. "I will be working late in the study. Don't wait up, dear." He left the dining room quickly.
Rebecca looked carefully between both Sully and Michaela, sensing a nervousness.
"Shall we move to the sitting room?" she gently folded the napkin in her lap and placed it on the corner of the table.
Sully glanced across at Michaela, who did the exact same thing.
"I'm not bothered," she shrugged, although struggled to keep her eyes open.
"Rebecca, if you don't mind, I think we've a bit of catching up to do." Sully got to his feet and looked to Michaela.
"Oh, I will be upstairs, you won't be interrupted in there," Rebecca smiled and gestured across the entrance foyer behind her.
"Thank-you," Sully nodded as Rebecca departed from the room. Wearily Michaela rose to her feet and led the way through.
"Sully, do we really need to," she took a seat by the fire, realizing she'd sat in the exact same spot the night before with William.
"Yes, I think we do." Sully paced around without speaking for a minute or so, before eventually taking a seat. "Have you thought about what you want to do?"
"Have I thought about anything else?" she muttered sarcastically and looked away.
"Michaela, I'm tryin'. We're all tryin'. I need you to be honest with me. I need to know what you want to do." He saw the fascination with which she observed the flickering flames before her.
"I don't know. I just wanted all this to be over. I thought that would be the right thing. I thought it would feel right," she continued to be transfixed by the dancing flames.
"That? You mean this afternoon," Sully noticed she was tiptoeing around the specifics. She nodded, and he frowned slightly, "and it didn't?"
She shook her head.
"So why did you go through with it?" He kept his voice neutral.
"I, I didn't. Well, I suppose I did. I changed my mind, but by then it was too late," Michaela hesitantly brought her gaze back in Sully's direction, although not actually looking at him.
It took a lot of control for Sully to not let his anger cloud his judgment. Had she tried to stop it? Had she said 'no'? And, if so, had he continued regardless?
He was just glad he'd arrived when he did. "Well, you don't need to worry."
"Thanks to you," Michaela met his eyes briefly, before quickly deflecting her gaze away again.
"What do you want to do now? Do you want to go away, have some time alone? If it's what you want, I can take the children home," Sully proposed the suggestion, knowing full well he did not support it.
"I don't know. I don't want to have to think about it. I've never wanted to have to, and that's been my own fault. I ignored and ignored it, thinking perhaps it would just go away. Then when Myra was pregnant, all I could think was how unfair it was. That she was so happy, that everyone was so happy for her." Michaela swallowed and looked down at her small hands in her lap.
"I understand," he began, continuing quickly when he saw the disbelief flash across her face, "I know it ain't the same but after Abigail died, seein' couples together, made me feel angry, cheated. That life weren't fair. 'Til I met you and even then, once we'd spent some time together, I weren't prepared for the guilt. I didn't understand how I could feel so happy to have met you, to be rid of the anger, but then so guilty, because I thought people would think it inappropriate. Probably because I felt I was breaking my promise to Abigail. It took me a long time, almost a year, to realize I didn't have to accept that guilt." Sully saw her shoulders rise as she drew a breath.
"From the second day I woke up, I was determined to put it behind me. Not to remember, not to talk, not to think. It was difficult for a few weeks. I just had to move an inch, and I'd be reminded." She knew it was probably very improper to be discussing such matters so openly. But she didn't stop. Sully was different. He wasn't like William, or Rebecca's husband. He didn't get uncomfortable or awkward. She knew she could talk with him about anything.
"Once I started back at work, everything was easier. The children were busy with school and there were always problems, but they weren't my problems. I knew people were talking about me, but even that stopped after a month or so. Myra and Horace were married. Then there was the dance and for about three weeks, I could delude myself into thinking it had never happened. There was probably even a day or two when I didn't relive it," she smiled cynically for a fraction of a second. Her smile quickly dropped away, "and then I started to worry. I waited, thinking it was just stress. I wanted it to be anything else. I was so desperate to believe it wasn't possible, that I again denied the truth, ignored it and continued for another month. Your birthday, we met with Snow Bird and Cloud Dancing again," Michaela chewed lightly on her lower lip, knowing that 'meeting with Snow Bird and Cloud Dancing again' wasn't the specific event of that day to which she was referring. "It was that night. I'd been talking with Brian. God, I didn't even realize for nearly three months," Michaela let the trapped air in her lungs out in an exasperated sigh.
Sully, having remained patiently attentive on the chair opposite, saw the frustration in her eyes, heard it in her voice. "How did you?" he muttered quickly, wanting her to keep talking.
"I could feel," she shrugged, her voice thick with self-mocking, "Some doctor. Had it been anyone else and," she looked up, as Sully challenged the ritualized thought immediately.
"But it weren't. Weren't anyone else, was you. Makes a difference."
"Then why did I let this happen!" Her voice was desperate and helpless.
Sully looked at the space between them, wanting to get to his feet and move to her side; Hold her, comfort her, let her cry. Could he? Is that what she wanted? Was he thinking of himself?
Michaela saw his legs twitch only slightly, as her eyes clouded with tears. She dropped her head forward, expecting to feel his hands around her shoulders, his voice close in her ear. The tears continued, thickening when she realized he hadn't moved. She took a breath, and wiped at her eyes, as the distant voice returned.
"You didn't let this happen," he whispered, although he knew she knew that. She nodded, still feeling lone tears trickle down her face. "Everyone knows that," he continued and again she nodded, having managed to control the tears.
"Will you come home?" He kept his bright blue eyes fixed on her face, searching for her. She wouldn't meet his gaze.
"I can't," she looked up at him, as if he'd just asked her to walk on water.
He shrugged, allowing the hypothetical conversation to continue. He kept his voice ever-so-slightly humored, as if they weren't really talking about it seriously. "Why not?"
"Because, because, I can't. Everyone will know. Why do you think I left?" She again looked at him as if he was absurd.
"No, you left to get rid of the baby, so you wouldn't have to tell me, that I understand. I want to know what it is you're so scared of, about going back." He watched the frustration build in her eyes, as she searched for a reply.
She rose quickly to her feet, moving across the room to the fireplace. "I think you give yourself too much credit." Perhaps if she insulted him, he'd leave her alone.
He wanted to smile. He could see the Michaela he loved in her anger. She was cornered, frustrated and lashing out to try and push him away. Only it wasn't going to work. Not this time. Never again.
"Alright, apart from that," he took the criticism gladly.
"Apart from that, what?" she could just about hear the disregard in his voice.
"Well, now that we're all here. Why won't you come back home?" He, very determinedly, returned to the topic at hand.
"Because I don't want them to know," she replied quietly.
"To know what?" he knew she had to say it.
"To know about this," she knew she couldn't say it.
"Michaela, not even Hank is that stupid. You up and disappear for five months, everyone's gonna know."
Michaela chuckled flatly under her breath, "I've had this exact conversation with Matthew this afternoon."
"Matthew's a smart young man," Sully paused before gently directing her back to the question, "So, whether you go home or not, the town will find out. We've established that. Is there another reason you don't want to go home?" He knew he was possibly approaching the issue with far less reserve than Michaela would have wished; however, they had long passed the point of being delicate.
"No, I don't know. Sully, you're talking as if we could just, go home!" Michaela dropped her hands in frustration back to her sides, and she spun around to face him, her face wild and her eyes large.
"We can just go home." He raised his hands out, palms up, casually.
"No we can't!" she rephrased quickly, "I can't!"
"Michaela, know this is difficult, and ain't sayin' it's gonna be easy, but ya ain't gonna be alone. I'll be there, kids'll be there, and your true friends'll be there. That's gotta be better than hidin' away in some home with strangers," he stopped, and paused, allowing his following words to be heard more clearly, "Do you really want that? Here, with no-one?" He kept his voice hollow, forcing her to remember the isolation she'd felt since arriving with Brian the previous Friday.
"No," her eyes were downcast, her voice soft.
"Then, come home. We'll all go home, as a family." He paced across towards the warm fire, both gazing at it quietly.
The silence that passed between them was nowhere near as awkward as it had been. Sully warmed his hands, feeling the back of his neck unfamiliarly cool. He hadn't expected the almost unrecognizable sound of her small, lost voice;
"I'm scared," she admitted.
"I know," he replied.
"What if," again her face crumpled, as a multitude of insults barraged through her consciousness.
This time, he was standing too close to resist. Tentatively, he reached his left arm around her back, and, when she didn't object, stepped closer, feeling her nose and chin press tightly into his shoulder.
"Ssh, know ya afraid of people, but ain't gonna be as bad as ya think." He ran his hands along the fine strands of her shiny, long hair, feeling her muffled sobs wrack against his chest.
"Michaela, Olive already knows, and you know what she's like. No-one's gonna say anythin' against ya, long as she's around, and there's ya own kids; Matthew knocked Benjamin Avery out the last time he opened his mouth and, uh, he's been working on his punch since then," Sully remembered the aggressive blows he'd taken during their fight in the barn over two weeks ago.
He held her in silence for several minutes, keeping his left arm wrapped around her back and his right hand on her shoulder. He could smell the lavender scent in her hair, as he felt her right hand grip his upper arm.
"Sully, where do we go from here?" she had to ask. She knew she did. I can't bear not knowing. If we can't have the future we both planned, then I need to know now.
He felt her fingers against the material of his jacket. Perhaps he'd confused her? Carefully, he let his arms drop from her back, and tried to think up the least threatening response he could. The last thing she needs at the moment is to feel you're expecting more from her.
"We're friends, Michaela. We'll always be friends," he whispered, able to hear the awkwardness in his voice. He wanted to say he loved her, that he supported her, that he'd marry her right then and there if he believed for one moment it was what she wanted.
Michaela removed her hands from his arm, and slipped away from his shoulder, feeling empty. Her chest felt hollow, and her heart cold. It was true.
You knew you were only fooling yourself, Michaela. This is just too much. Maybe before he knew about the baby, perhaps you could have expected him to still love you. But it's too much, Michaela. It's just too much.
She blinked and turned back towards the entrance hall. "I'll see you in the morning." She kept her eyes straight ahead as she paced across the room, hearing only his husky voice behind her.
"Goodnight," Sully frowned sadly, watching her leave. He thought he'd phrased his reply sensitively; carefully. He shook his head and turned back to the fire.
Why? Why has this happened? What are we being punished for? What are we supposed to learn?