"She thought I was cheating on her with you."
Amelia wanted to laugh at that, she waved her hand in dismissal. "No, no. She thought you were cheating on her with someone else." She emphasized.
"Yeah, you ." Arizona responded nonchalantly in a high-pitched tone, as if she was simply stating the obvious, capping off the statement with a sly smile.
"Now, why would she think that?" Amelia cuts her off, annoyed with the possibility that Arizona was telling the truth.
Arizona shrugged, as she dropped her gaze down to the Hopkins sweatshirt that she was now wearing, eyeing the garment in response to Amelia's question. "I don't know. You tell me."
Amelia's eyes widened, as she glanced down on the sweatshirt, too.
All the memories that led to where they were now, sat heavily on her back, keeping her uneasy for some reason. "You told her? About what happened with —"
"I didn't ." Arizona swore, looking slightly offended by the accusation.
"Well, I didn't say anything, either. B-but it can't be me. Otherwise, she would have said something."
Amelia didn't know why it was taking everything for her to be convinced that Arizona was telling the truth when she'd never doubted her even from before.
Amelia thought deep down, that maybe Mich had always known.
The sweatshirt that she wasn't able - didn't actually - return because her mind still couldn't wrap itself around with how Arizona went down on her in Mich's room, every moment they shared at the apartment, all those times Amelia embarrassingly third wheeled her way with them, the way Amelia had to sit through an entire conversation of Mich talking about Arizona - and how she may have looked visibly in pain in all those times, or when Arizona would say something unwarily funny to someone else at the residents' lounge and Amelia would be the one to laugh regardless how it wasn't actually directed to her.
When the curiosity to know her turned into a simple crush, which turned into an attraction that turned to a dangerous territory that even Amelia herself, didn't have the guts to say out loud. Up until now.
Maybe it was because of the simple fact that there was a possibility that Mich knew all along, and was just waiting for Amelia to admit things with her - which she never did.
Which made it even more awful.
Not really Amelia's best moment, not even the slightest chance she'd bag the friend of the year award.
If she were being honest, it had always been a one-sided thing with Arizona. It was always Amelia and her feelings, and these feelings had never really been brought up to the surface nor were they even translated into actions because Amelia knew better not to entertain them.
Arizona chose Mich, hell - she may even pick Mich over her under any given circumstance they had now.
It was the exact reason why she never admitted the truth with Mich.
Because she had nothing to worry about.
Maybe except for Amelia and her stupid feelings towards the blonde. Selfishly, she had different expectations but she learned to adjust them over those two years Mich and Arizona were together, to protect Mich.
And she thought that was enough, but looking at things now - it may seem as if it didn't really didn't help and only brought more harm to Mich than good.
Amelia felt sick to her stomach, disgusted for being the person who had hurt Mich.
Amelia realized how it didn't really matter if Arizona never felt the same thing, when she should have at least focused more on how Mich must have felt.
She was a friend to Mich above everything else, she at least deserved to know if Amelia fell for her girlfriend at full speed as her.
Amelia veered her eyes in a different direction, for some reason losing the ability to look at Arizona. She bit back the sob building in her throat, and could feel a sense of impending panic about to take place. She felt the muscles on her back tense and her jaw clenched, resulting in an uncomfortable silence between the two once again.
The only thing left wandering in her head was how Mich knew. All along.
Arizona placed a hand on her own, giving it a firm squeeze. "Oh, God - I spooked you. Please, don't be spooked. I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry." Arizona would often ramble when she was nervous or was caught in a situation she knew firsthand was wrong. She must have noticed Amelia's sudden change of demeanour as she went around the kitchen island to be where Amelia was. "You didn't do anything wrong."
If only the circumstances were different, Amelia would have laughed - because it felt as though no time had passed between them.
How Arizona was always quick on her feet to be with Amelia whenever she felt like she was losing her damn mind over something that was absolutely her fault, to begin with. From the incident in Mich's room, from what happened with her hand in their kitchen, and even now in Arizona's kitchen - Arizona had always been there to give her the assurance.
Amelia deliberately ignored Arizona's remark, blinking slowly - as if that could somehow alleviate her heart from beating too fast.
She couldn't seem to agree with what Arizona said, because Amelia has managed to do everything but the right thing. Once again, she thought that keeping all of these things unsaid from Mich was somehow saving her - when she realized all along, that it was only selfishly saving herself.
And Arizona should be disappointed with her. She was not someone she should feel sorry for. When she'd put two and two together, she'd think that she may have also been one of the reasons why it never really worked out between them, and that thought alone was pushing her to an uncertain edge.
Mich deserved to know the truth, so did Arizona - should she tell her?
What should she tell her?
That while Mich's assumption was completely untrue, there was no denying that there came a time when Amelia wanted Arizona for herself?
It felt unfair for her to dump all her feelings now to Arizona - it was not the right time.
But then she thought again, when will that right time ever be?
She already lost years of working with her without actually knowing her all over again.
She only knew the Hopkins Arizona - although there was no denying that the feelings were there. It was still there, Amelia was left wondering if the Arizona she knew from Grey Sloan would still take her?
Things were different now - she had Sofia and Callie, the plane crash, a divorce, and a custody battle that Amelia sensed was something that Arizona was still struggling to come to terms with.
How she used to have a family, and now she barely even had anyone. How technically she wasn't alone now in Seattle, and she had people here - colleagues, and doctors and yet they were her friends who've also had their fair share of unresolved trauma and misery from their own lives, which may be led to the reason why Arizona had never really opened herself up with anyone, because she thought nobody deserved more of that in their life.
God , should she even begin to start with the mess of her own life, too?
With whatever happened to her in those years Arizona left Hopkins - the past she barely knew nothing about, the one that haunted Amelia and in most nights had kept her up, in cold sweat and in a fit of terror. As if the universe really thought that losing her father at a young age, and having been able to witness that wasn't enough.
When she was led on to believe that it was the last of it, until she suffered with worse, years later - when she struggled with her own addiction, and sobriety and the unimaginable loss of losing Ryan and Christopher all together - with Derek in the mix now, and her relapse that took place just a few months back when Meredith was attacked, and she needed her and was nowhere to be found.
So she came back with the question again:
Was this the right time to tell her?
Looking back at everything, it seemed they were both a mess.
Amelia still felt like she had to start somewhere, maybe admitting her true feelings towards the blonde could be set for a different time - but, again - she had to start somewhere.
Silence still filled the room, but the weight of Arizona's eyes on her overpowered everything else, making it difficult for Amelia to think.
She swallowed uncomfortably, opening her mouth a bit to speak.
Arizona must have easily sensed her vexation about Mich and so she intervened to finally put an end to Amelia's thoughts. "Look, Amelia - up to this day, I have no idea where she got that assumption about us but I'd totally understand where she must have been coming from back then." She trailed off, looking back at her with so much intent, making sure Amelia understood her words clearly. "I mean, I was literally always there at your place… You were literally the only one I've let myself be with besides Mich. –"
Amelia found herself smiling at the thought, despising that she had managed to find a sense of comfort knowing that. "You don't have to pretend that you liked having me as your third-wheel whenever you guys were on a date. Mich dragged me around because she didn't want me to be alone all the time."
"I never said I never enjoyed your company, Amelia." Arizona admitted.
And there was that stupid pang on her chest once again, sucking all the air that she wanted to draw in.
"The incident with my sweatshirt didn't help at all, in case you're forgetting," Arizona smirked, and Amelia pretty much exhausted all her efforts in trying to repudiate the blush now forming in her cheeks. They barely touched the subject after all those years it happened, and it all suddenly felt confounding for Arizona to be bringing it up now every now and then.
How Arizona did just that a handful of times this morning.
There was a wave of comfort and relief to know that she had never forgotten about it. Not one bit.
Arizona planted her chin on the palm of her hand, positioning herself to face Amelia directly. There was no getting by how she could easily enrapture anyone with her eyes. "Plus, you and I know better."
Which was the truth.
They never really went off behind Mich's back to do something that could potentially hurt her. Not counting the time where she mistakenly thought she was Mich, because they had both stopped whatever it was they were doing - when they instantly recognized who was who.
"You and I both know the truth, that we never did anything wrong." She trailed off, a frown now contorted on her features. "Which leads me to this question, why does it bother you to know all this now?" She softly asked.
Fuck.
She should never have her emotions get the best of her in the first place. Knew that visibly looking like she was punched in the gut could lead her into dangerous territory. Arizona found her biting her lip nervously, and Amelia tried not to get affected by how Arizona looked drawn when she did it.
"She once thought you were cheating with someone else, but she never told me it was me she was being worried about."
-x-
Sex with Matt Andrews was good - amazing, even.
Sex with Matt was probably not for the best, but it was easier, and fun and casual.
Kept her mind off things, things that she purposely wanted to avoid for the better.
And she didn't even have to ask, because Matt was always there.
When she needed a quick fuck, Matt would just pull her in wherever she wanted.
And she normally wasn't this type of person - to sleep around with no strings attached.
It was hypocritical of her to say she was looking to be in a relationship. At her age - she wanted that now more than ever.
But commitments and being tied to only one person, seemed to be more difficult than she thought.
And surely wasn't helping because she wanted that with a different person.
A person she couldn't have.
And the same person who was the sole reason why where she was now, heavily panting against the back of the wall in a supply room, hands being braced firmly behind the shelf for support as Matt thrust himself to her. She pulled him in to kiss him hard, to suppress the moan that she wanted out.
And she needed to do that quietly, given they were in a very public place.
She needed a reason to forget, and to move on.
Needed to be away from Arizona as much as possible.
And it was unhealthy, wrong even - how she thought having sex with a different person could somehow set aside all her issues.
But at this very moment, it felt like it was what she needed, a temporary fix - to be with someone uninvolved, and someone that wanted her.
She thought it could work for now, regardless if he was more into her than she was. She just needed to feel something because it had been months since she had sex, since she even allowed herself to be touched by anyone.
She needed this.
It was what she kept telling herself.
She tried to get lost in the sensation of how Matt lifted her up, and unabashedly guided her thighs to be wrapped around his waist, trying not to think about how her thighs were last held by no other than Arizona in Mich's room.
Tried not to dwell too much on the difference with how Arizona held her with so much care compared to Matt who roughly gripped her thighs to pin her body to the wall.
Matt pushed himself further to her, which resulted in an uncontrollable whimper that echoed through the thin walls of the supply room. He pumped his length at full force in a slow and steady rhythm as he clawed through the front of her scrub top to palm her breast.
"Off. Take it off." Amelia heard him say, as he guided her hands to tug the material off of her, leaving her only in her white satin bra and in her pulled-down scrub pants which were now on her knees. He leaned forward, leaving a trail of wet kisses from the side of her jaw, to the crook of her neck and on the tops of her breasts.
Amelia squeezed her eyes shut, as she desperately tried hard to give Matt the indication that she enjoyed it, but her mind still seemed to drift back to blonde hair, blue eyes with pink full lips, and deft fingers - the same lips and pair of hands that had once reached the same areas, maybe not to the same extent - but Amelia still found herself choosing the blonde peds surgeon over Matt regardless of where they were in that very moment.
She shook her thoughts away, as she began to rock her hips slowly to get more friction, realizing that Matt had had his thrusts for quite some time and yet she still couldn't bring herself to come. She felt all the more frustrated that she couldn't get the resolve she badly needed, drawing Matt in even closer with much-needed desire but could already feel him getting exhausted as he slowly pulled out instead.
The mouth that was initially latched onto her neck went for her lips once again. Without force, she swiped her tongue over his bottom lip to deepen the kiss, desperate to feel even just for a little bit of something yet continually failed.
It just didn't feel the same.
It was not as if there could even be a comparison. Matt was no different.
Amelia has had the most memorable experiences from her past relationships with men, and from a few casual hook-ups, who all had been exceptional partners in bed - or wherever they'd choose to do it, and Matt was great, he was thorough and attentive into giving her exactly what she wanted for the past two weeks but there was just something missing - and she dreaded the thought that the something was turning into a someone.
It had been two weeks since she accidentally burnt her hand in the kitchen when Arizona swooped in to help her out. Two weeks since she unnecessarily held her hand for the longest time knowing damn well that it would have been the last time. Because - it was the way it had to be.
She needed to move on, get rid of Arizona, and avoid all means of potentially hurting Mich in the process.
To be with someone she wanted, and wanted her back - without ever having the need to beg because she was already done and exhausted for all the time she spent pining for someone she couldn't have.
She was done, and though her method of actually moving on could be considered unhealthy and may even be counterproductive - she knew she had to start somewhere.
Maybe it didn't have to mean anything now. But she couldn't care less, she just wanted Arizona out of her head.
Matt drew her back from her thoughts, as he pinned her wrists above her head, and used his other free hand to unclasp the hook of her bra. She shuddered under the sudden movement, as she was greeted by a wisp of cold air that seeped through her now bare skin.
Just as Matt was about to tug the material loose off her shoulders, she heard the door fly open, and in reflex, both Amelia and Matt pulled themselves away from each other, and ducked themselves down to hide in one of the corners of the shelves in front of them.
Amelia knew she was fucked.
She didn't even have to squint hard to know who it was, when she saw the same blonde hair and blue eyes she was just thinking of earlier, grab a suture kit in one of the metal racks just a few steps away from where she was hiding.
She watched Arizona grab a couple more supplies for her taking, watched as Arizona chewed her bottom lip - deciding which to take and settled into getting more sterilizers and blanket fluid warmers instead.
Arizona ran a hand in her hair, as she hung her head back with a sigh, without even looking - the blonde spoke, with her voice echoing through the walls of the supply room, "I'd give you a minute to fix yourselves before stepping out."
In full speed, Matt hurriedly pulled his pants up and got his discarded scrub top from the floor, sporting a horrendous look on his face as he got up from the floor, leaving Amelia behind.
If the situation was any different, Amelia would have laughed at how fast Matt effortlessly responded like a twelve-year-old, who somehow got caught eating a piece of candy his parents prohibited him to do, but then again - the harsh reality was, Arizona was the chief resident, who also happened to be close with the chief of surgery, and had the right to file a report given that they were caught doing something they knew was wrong in the first place, in a sanitized medical supply room of the hospital.
So again, she was fucked.
"Dr. Andrews, if I ever catch you having sexual intercourse within the four walls of this hospital again, I would have to report you - understood?"
Amelia didn't have to peer herself head up to know how Matt responded before he left because being caught by Arizona was definitely not an option for her, too. Assuming Arizona still didn't know it was her who Matt was having sex with, she decided it would be best to stay - no matter how long it'd take for Arizona to leave the room.
What she didn't expect though was to hear Arizona turning the lock of the supply room on as she made her way to where Amelia was hiding. Her heart skipped a beat, as she frantically got up from the floor - not realizing her bra was still unhooked, and her scrub top was still nowhere to be found.
She turned herself around and met eyes with Arizona who had her back on the other side of the room with an unwavering expression etched on her face.
Amelia's mouth turned dry, feeling slightly embarrassed that she was caught, all the more while she was half undressed. She watched as Arizona averted her eyes away to give her the smallest ounce of privacy, as she wrapped her arms across her chest. "I gave you a minute." The tone was strikingly different, because she knew Arizona, and Arizona always spoke with sunshine and rainbows - but at this very moment, felt as though the same sunshine and rainbows were scooped out of her entire being, as she suddenly turned unmoved without sentiment.
Amelia found herself rolling her eyes, as she dipped herself forward to return the clasp of her bra to its rightful place. "Well, the minute you gave obviously wasn't enough." She looked around to find her scrub top but couldn't seem to remember where Matt previously tossed it aside, heaving a sigh of annoyance. She gave up, as she took a step backward, feeling slightly exposed that she still stood topless in front of Arizona.
"God, Amelia. What were you thinking?" Arizona asked in frustration as she propped her head up to take a look at her once again. "In a supply room? Really —"
She flinched, feeling offended that Arizona was the one giving her the lecture as if she needed it. "Are you seriously pulling your chief resident card on me? So what - are you going to report me now, too?"
Arizona shook her head, looking somewhat taken by surprise that Amelia reacted in the way she didn't expect. They were never really close enough to even be involved in an argument.
"What - no, Amelia I wasn't —" She cleared her throat, tilting her head in confusion from where Amelia was coming from. "That was me standing up for a friend."
Amelia rolled her eyes once more, waving her hand in exasperation. "I don't need your protection, Arizona."
She could see how Arizona's jaw clenched from the way she dismissed her. If she were being honest, she too seemed stunned of herself that she had the audacity to be angry with Arizona when she knew she was right.
Arizona scoffed, turning her gaze away. "Well, I know for a fact that Andrews has this reputation for sleeping around."
"Does it bother you?" Amelia creased her brow, as if challenging Arizona to just lay it on her. She was still unsure where she was getting her unearned confidence from, not to mention when she knew how she was in the wrong, and was still standing half-naked in front of the woman she was trying hard to move on from.
Arizona couldn't even bring herself to lock eyes with her, probably because she was disappointed in her as well - Amelia shrugged, couldn't even seem to care less at this point.
Neither that she was doing right now was exactly helping.
"It doesn't." Arizona pointed out, taking a step back as if she could even get herself further from where she stood when her back had already been met with the wall.
This brought Amelia to prod her to a greater extent.
"So what only bothers you, is that it's me he's having sex with," Amelia asked, more as a statement than a question and she grimaced, obviously knowing she could have phrased her sentence better - but she was beyond exhausted and impatient, and livid. She wasn't supposed to even be talking with Arizona, and yet here they were - caught in the middle of a baseless argument.
She found herself taking a step closer to where she stood, and Arizona eyed her carefully, noticing how her fingers twitched when she moved forward. How her eyes briefly raked her body and back to her face and momentarily turned her head to a different direction.
Amelia could only hope that Arizona's eyes were focused on her instead of her chest, which already seemed too evident to be rapidly beating with every step she took towards the blonde surgeon. It also didn't help at all - how her top was still nowhere to be found, and she was still left only in her bra and in her disheveled scrub pants.
She could already feel the tension of the room starting to be too overwhelming for the both of them, knew she had to stop pushing Arizona, because they were getting nowhere - and the ultimate goal was to distance herself from Arizona, but not too close to the point where Arizona may even end up pulling away from her completely because she was being a jerk.
Arizona narrowed her eyes, apparent to avoid Amelia's question. " He left you without any hesitation the minute he got caught." Arizona pulled herself forward away from the wall, as she belligerently undressed from her lab coat, and hastily tugged the material of her scrub top off - until she was left with only her tank top.
Amelia felt her mouth dry once again, clueless of what drove Arizona into taking her clothes off, and unsure of how she'd pace herself because it was definitely not part of her plan.
To feel more drawn to the blonde than to the person whom she had been intimate with for the past two weeks. How the bare minimum was already doing things in the pit of her stomach, and yet she was still somewhat lost - "He left you in the middle of a hook-up. Still think he's worth the trouble?" Arizona asked in disdain.
Amelia bit her lip, unable to form a response - because Arizona was right.
But what Arizona didn't know, too, was that she and Matt pretty much had the expectations set that they'd be nothing but more than a couple of friends who'd casually have sex, when asked. It wouldn't have changed anything if she tried to explain. But she was still beyond infuriated and at the same time bemused that Arizona wouldn't just let it go.
Arizona met with her in the middle of the supply room as she gently tugged at Amelia's hand to give her own scrub top for Amelia's taking. Amelia raised her eyebrows, feeling all the more confused, because Arizona couldn't be serious - "What are you doi-? - I-I don't need it."
"Yeah, you do. You've been looking for your scrub top for quite some time now and even if you'd find it, I don't think it'd still be wearable at this point."
Amelia huffed yet still managed to do what she was told, letting her pride get the best of her as she pulled the sleeves of Arizona's scrub top-up in her arms for her to wear, she deliberately ignored how her scrub top could provide Amelia the same comfort she felt with Arizona's sweatshirt.
How the material felt prominently different, because it carried Arizona's scent which Amelia loved. "You can't seriously be walking along the halls of this hospital only in your tank top."
The remark earned a weak smile from Arizona as she went back to where she was standing earlier to retrieve the lab coat she once tossed aside, tugging at the sleeves back in for her to wear. "Of course, I'd still be in my lab coat. Until I get another pair of scrub top from my locker, anyways."
The gesture made her heart swell, entranced how it always went back to the little things. How Arizona still had the gall to still look after her when she had done nothing but to push her away.
And she tried, so hard.
But fuck had it been so difficult.
Getting over her - denying whatever feeling she had left towards the blonde, because the truth was - the feelings never really left her. Feelings that even betrayed her, because she had already been doing well for the past two weeks, and yet Arizona's simple glance somehow lost all the progress she made of forgetting her.
She thought of Arizona, and thought of Mich and the fucked up situation she again, found herself in.
If she had a dollar everytime she willed her mind to stop looking at her, let alone think about her, she would have made herself more money to afford rematching to a different residency program at another hospital where there was no Arizona, no Mich, no stupid feelings to be worried about.
But she found herself stuck, found herself still aching for Arizona.
Amelia knew this was the part where she had to stop thinking about Arizona, but more about how Mich would have been feeling. She knew they were already doing good in those past weeks; she distanced herself from them, and knew best not to meddle, not anymore.
"Why do you even care at all?" Amelia uttered silently, her tone already laced in despair when she asked because she definitely did not want to go down the same path once again but her impulse somewhat felt stronger. Hopeless and vulnerable, because she just wanted to know the truth. Maybe it would still change the course of things between her and Arizona, wanting to believe there was something there even if it was completely wrong of her to do.
Amelia felt Arizona tense, as she dipped her hands in both sides of her pocket, heaving a sigh, "Mich would have wanted me to look out for you, too."
Amelia nodded silently, as she felt her shoulders fall forward in disappointment, thinking that while Arizona may not have pulled the chief resident card on her, she did bring up Mich which was way worse - because she was again, being reminded that Mich was there, and was involved with Arizona.
And Arizona in return, somewhat felt responsible to look after her because she was the closest friend of her girlfriend. A contractual obligation, because she had always been someone who always seemed in desperate need of help. "I just don't want you to get hurt, Amelia." Arizona added as if that somehow eased her thoughts.
And Amelia found herself smiling, the same smile that could never really seem to reach her eyes as she turned her head around to meet Arizona's eyes, willing an invocation that Amelia's look on her could somehow give Arizona some clarity to what Amelia was really asking and the answer she wanted to hear but failed. "Can't you see? I already am."
She walked past Arizona, leaving her, without uttering anything else.
That was the last time she ever saw Arizona Robbins.
-x-
"She once thought you were cheating with someone else, but she never told me it was me she was being worried about."
Amelia was a coward. An idiot even. How she didn't even allow Arizona to respond to her last remark as she then seemingly lied and encouraged her to take a quick shower instead because they were already more than two hours late.
Bailey called for a staff meeting before lunch, and Maggie wanted her to be at the hospital within the next hour because she wanted Amelia to meet the new resident, whom she proclaimed was now her favorite via text.
Two of the things that didn't really matter to her at this point, but she needed Arizona away for a couple more minutes, knowing this could all drive her to insanity if she was allowed to sit this one out for a day more.
It had been years.
Literal years since the last spoke.
And it felt hypocritical of her to demand answers from her right away - not when she barely made the effort to reach out to her after she finished her residency at Hopkins.
But she was already feeling restless, the impulse to simply know was now sitting heavily behind her back and all it took was a press of a call button.
She expected it'd only be left on voicemail, but had been proven wrong once again, as she heard the person speak from the other end of the line.
When she did, Amelia completely cuts her off - squeezing her eyes shut, to conceal her lack of courtesy. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you - I don't… I'm sorry, who's on the line?"
"About Arizona. You knew all along, and you didn't tell me?" She carefully asked, trying her best efforts to keep her voice down, in fear that Arizona could hear her from upstairs.
Amelia's accusation earned a laugh from the person on the other end of the line. Amelia furrowed her eyebrows, admitting to herself that she went too far, but was slightly annoyed that Mich could even be laughing at a time like this.
"Still Arizona, is it? Well - hello to you too, Amelia."
-x-