"Well now you just take things easy," Dorothy smiled, tentatively reaching forwards to brush Michaela's arm.
Michaela simply nodded in response.
Dorothy had just mounted her horse, when they both heard the trotting of a single horse nearby.
"Colleen?" Michaela recognized the blonde-headed girl immediately, Dorothy waiting until she'd arrived outside the homestead.
"Hi, Miss Dorothy," Colleen quietly murmured, dismounting the horse and leading Flash into the barn.
"Colleen," Dorothy smiled, turning and nodding to Michaela a final time, "Take care," she pushed the horse into a trot, moving quickly down the path and back towards town.
Michaela walked over to the barn, as Colleen secured Flash in her stall.
"Are you all right Colleen?" she realized it was well before school was due to finish.
"Just wishin' I'd been born a boy, that's all," Colleen groused, struggling with Flash's saddle.
A silent smile of recognition came to Michaela's lips, as she went over to help.
"Here," Michaela secured her hands against Flash's side, creating more slack in the saddle belts.
"Got it," Colleen sighed, eventually managing to unbuckle the saddle and remove it.
"Any reason you're home so early?" Michaela ventured nervously.
"Ain't feelin' well," Colleen shrugged, awkwardly lifting the saddle and placing it over the stall door.
"Is that all?" Michaela chewed on her lower lip.
"Yeah," Colleen answered quickly, turning around to unbridle the horse, "kinda," she trailed off.
Michaela raised her eyebrows, stroking Flash's nose.
"I really do have a stomachache," Colleen justified, hanging up the bridle.
Michaela nodded slowly, walking beside Colleen back towards the homestead. "I'm sorry to hear that, sweetheart. Is there anything I can do?"
Colleen shook her head, "It's just the regular monthly stomachache, Dr Mike," she informed her curtly.
"Well, why don't you go and lie down, and I'll bring you a warm compress?" she offered, touching the girl's shoulder softly.
"Thanks," Colleen answered, heading back inside.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela finished folding the clean washing and looked up at the clock. "Any better?" she walked across the room to check on Colleen.
"Yeah," Colleen replied wearily, "is this gonna happen every month for the rest of my life?"
Michaela considered the question for a moment, taking a seat on the edge of Brian's bed, "I don't think so, Colleen. It varies, but for most women premenstrual discomfort is worse for the first year or so. Once your body gets used to it, it should dissipate."
Colleen nodded, "How come women have to put up with all this stuff, and men don't have anything, 'cept shavin'?" she rolled her eyes, remembering Matthew's complaints at the odd nick here and there.
Michaela shrugged.
The young girl continued quickly, "I suppose it's worth it," she smiled for a moment, before realizing what she'd eluded to. "Sorry," she looked away awkwardly.
Michaela shook her head immediately, "Don't be. It will be worth it for you."
Colleen returned her gaze to the ceiling, trying to make sense of the events of the past week.
"So, what's going to happen?" she phrased slowly, eventually turning her head. "I didn't realize how complicated it all is. Aunt Rebecca was supportive, but ain't everyone gonna be. Before you left, I never understood how difficult this was. I get it now," Colleen sighed. "I'm sorry, I don't know how to fix it."
Michaela smiled softly at Colleen's words, frowning as she nestled down opposite her, in Brian's bed.
"You don't have to fix it, Colleen. It's not something any of us can fix. All I can do now is hope that it will be less difficult in time," Michaela trailed off, feeling her eyes drop closed.
"But what about people who don't understand?" Colleen stopped quickly, chewing on her lip, not wanting to give away her ulterior motive for coming home early.
Michaela slowly opened her eyes in response to the question, "I've spent my entire life fighting people who didn't understand me. I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me, but as Sully said, I just have to trust that enough people will understand."
"Dr, Mike, I know it ain't my place to say and all but, well, would it help with people understandin' if Sully was around?" Colleen frowned to herself, appreciating the cryptic nature of her question.
Choosing to keep her eyes closed, Michaela pondered the question, "I shouldn't think it will make a difference."
"No, I mean, sorry, it ain't none a my business." Colleen shook her head with a sigh.
Eyes opening slowly, Michaela saw the confusion on her daughter's face, "It's all right, Colleen."
Trying to find the right words, the young girl continued with her question, "Well, I guess I was tryin' to work out what would make things easier. And well, keep thinkin' back to before this all happened and, wonderin' what would be different now if it hadn't and."
"Colleen," Michaela prodded, feeling sleep beckoning from behind her eyelids.
"Would've you and Sully been married by now?" she answered quickly.
Michaela opened her eyes, focusing on the edge of the shawl around her right arm. "I don't think so."
"But you woulda been more than just friends like you are now," Colleen raised an eyebrow, although not daring to turn her head.
"I suppose," Michaela acknowledged, closing her eyes again. "I'm not sure, Colleen," she considered Sully's strange behavior over the past day.
"Well, I understand why you'd be scared a marryin' him, but you said yourself you didn't want what happened changin' nothin'." Colleen twisted her interlocked hands together against her stomach, knowing she was prying, but also genuinely confused.
Michaela heard only two words of Colleen's statement, overpowering emotion bringing with it a spontaneous answer, "I'm not scared of marrying Sully."
Colleen kept her eyes fixed on the ceiling above her, too nervous by this point to so much as glance to her right. "You ain't?"
Michaela thought over the question a second time, remembering Sully's casual proposal on the stairwell less than a week earlier. "Have you been talking to Sully about this?" she asked suspiciously, trying to sort out his motivation and subsequent reserved behavior.
"Well no, but, why else would you turn him down?" she guiltily gave up the secret.
Michaela blinked several times, "Are you sure Sully hasn't spoken with you?"
"Swear. Only to Matthew," she admitted hesitantly.
"I see," Michaela frowned.
"Dr Mike, ain't like that. Matthew'd been pressuring Sully to ask you and, he said it weren't the right time but then with everything that happened in Boston, Sully gave in and, well. Are you angry?" she concluded quietly.
"Sully asked me to marry him because Matthew told him to?" Michaela sat up quickly, focusing her attention fully on Colleen.
"Well, yeah but only coz Matthew thought it'd help. That it'd be what you wanted," Colleen squinted her eyes closed when she heard Michaela get to her feet.
"Then I was right. He did just ask me out of pity." Michaela strode briskly over to the front door, Colleen letting out a low wail of regret as she heard the door close loudly.
"Why didn't I keep my big mouth shut?" she cursed herself, throwing her head back forcefully against the pillow.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela arrived into the barn, Colleen's words still echoing in her ears. The fact that her children had obviously been discussing her relationship with Sully at length, bothered her less than Sully's behavior in Boston.
I knew it was out of character for him.
She arrived by Flash's stall, the horse moving her head over the gate in response to the company.
"Hello girl," she stroked Flash's nose softly. Michaela brought her right hand under the horse's mouth, scratching Flash's neck.
Is that what she thought? That I'd be afraid to marry Sully? Is that what Sully thinks?
Michaela thought back over Sully's proposal the week before.
How could he have expected me to take that seriously?
She sighed, watching Flash's nostrils flare as she breathed. "Would I have married William if he'd proposed? But he didn't," she looked around the small barn, seeing the brush by Flash's bridle.
What if I've made a mistake? What if I regret not staying when I had the chance? But I couldn't have stayed.
She arrived back at Flash's stall, the horse sniffing her hand as she commenced brushing Flash's mane. "I hope you're being gentle with Colleen," Michaela reflected on the young girl's fear of horses.
Was I meant to be with William? Was that my second chance? I couldn't have married either of them. That's not what I want anymore.
She continued brushing Flash, moving over her stunning brown coat in long, slow movements. Anymore? She thought back over Rebecca's words from the previous week. Rebecca was right; it was never a priority for me.
Michaela continued brushing the horse, feeling the warmth of Flash's coat under her fingers.
If this hadn't of happened, what would be different? Well, that's a foolish question. Michaela sighed, shaking her head dismissively.
Would Sully and I be engaged? Married? She realized she had no way of answering those questions.
It doesn't matter, Michaela. It has happened, you can't turn back time.
Moving around to Flash's head, she watched the horse regard her.
"You're not afraid of anything, are you Flash?" she brought her hand to the horse's nose, running her fingers along the length of Flash's nasal bone. She thought back over her behavior during the past month. "I'm sorry, girl."
Flash's big brown eyes flickered between her own.
Michaela smiled, leaning forward to kiss Flash's nose. "You remember?" she smiled, thinking back to the afternoon she'd pushed Flash too hard.
Moving around to the other side, Michaela continued brushing, her mind quickly launching into thought.
I should have told Sully straight away; he would have understood. But I felt so guilty.
"So this is what life is going to be?" she saw Flash's left ear twitch in response to her voice.
Out here, with the children. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. All I feel towards this child is resentment.
"There," Michaela looked back to Flash, finishing her brushing as welcome distraction from her thoughts.
Scratching the horse's nose a final time, she placed the brush back and moved slowly towards the barn door.
Her eyes roamed from the stalls to the cow in the corner, as Michaela remembered the day she'd walked in and found Red McCall.
Mike must be two by now.
She blinked, allowing herself to remember the days she'd cared for the Indian baby.
What if I'd kept him? I never expected the world to be so bigoted – but it didn't bother me then. It was something I wanted to fight; to change.
Will I have to go through all that again with this baby? Has this town learned at all, or is this just going to be more difficult?
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Matthew smiled as Brian ran over to him, the school day having just ended.
"Hi Matthew!" Brian eagerly took Taffy from Robert E. and climbed onto his horse.
"Hey Brian, how'd school go?" Matthew reached over to ruffle Brian's hair, both moving off from the livery.
"Wait up, Matthew!" Grace called, rushing over quickly from the café, a basket held tightly in her left hand.
Matthew stopped, turning, "Miss Grace?"
"Put supper together for you all," she smiled awkwardly, handing him the basket.
"Thanks, Miss Grace, real kind a ya," Matthew secured the basket to the pommel of his saddle, nodding in appreciation.
"No trouble, tell Dr Mike if there's anything she needs, just let me know," Grace brushed Matthew's arm softly.
"Will do," Matthew smiled, waiting for Grace to take a step backwards from the horse before moving Scout into a walk.
"Thanks! Bye Robert E." Brian waved, quickly trotting away on Taffy, eager to beat his brother home.
Matthew followed after Brian, waiting until they were almost out of town before calling to him.
"You ain't gonna catch me, Matthew!" Brian teased, thinking it a trick.
"Nah, little brother, wanna talk to ya," Matthew called again, Brian eventually slowing.
"What ya want?" Brian eyed his brother suspiciously, keeping Taffy in a spirited walk.
"How'd school go?" Matthew asked seriously.
Brian shrugged, "was all right," he trailed off, thinking back over the day. "Nobody said nothin' else after Colleen left."
"That's good. Now don't ya feel better knowin' ya stuck it out? 'Stead a just runnin' home?" Matthew turned his head, his voice confident.
"Guess so, but I just want 'em to stop. Coz it ain't true," Brian squinted against the bright sunlight, looking down at the reins held in his hands.
"They'll stop soon, Brian. Somethin' else'll come up and they'll stop," Matthew assured. Seeing the awkward look on his brother's face, Matthew pulled back on Scout's reins. "What's up?"
Brian brought Taffy to a halt, turning to his older brother, "Matthew, can I ask Ma to come to the sports day? There's gonna be all these events and be real excitin'." Brian raised his eyebrows hopefully.
"I don't know, Brian. Think it's too soon. But I'll come watch ya," Matthew squeezed his little brother's arm supportively.
Brian shrugged, "Wish Ma wasn't so worried about everyone. Wish she was like she used to be," the little boy dropped his head, exhaling softly.
"I know, Brian. Just gonna take time, that's all," Matthew tried to encourage his brother, but was himself doubtful of his words.
"Wish Ma were around. She'd make sure no one was mean to Dr Mike, wouldn't she?" Brian looked back up hopefully.
"Yeah, she would," Matthew spoke softly, realizing things would probably be very, very different if their mother was still alive, "But then Dr Mike wouldn't, be your ma, Brian," Matthew changed the direction of his sentence very quickly, knowing Brian didn't need additional guilt that he was too young to understand.
"I know." Brian scratched at the edge of his saddle, remembering the time he'd spent in Boston. "Dr Mike said it was my fault. Is that what she meant? That she didn't want to be my Ma?"
Matthew frowned, seeing Brian's cheeks redden, "What?"
"She said it was because of me. That she didn't want me to get hurt. Did she mean she doesn't wanna be our Ma anymore?" Brian leaned forward to grab a handful of Taffy's mane.
Slowly, Matthew dismounted Scout, moving closer to his brother. "When was this, Brian?"
Brian fidgeted with Taffy's hair for several moments, trying to remember the traumatic day in more detail. "The first day we got to Boston. When Ma saw the mean doctor. Back at the hotel, she was real sick, Matthew. She yelled at me, and I dropped the glass. I said I was sorry, but she said it was all my fault. That if Ma hadn't died, she never woulda got us and everything wouldn't be messed up," Brian's chin trembled, remembering his answer in vivid detail, "I said I hated her," the tears fell from his cheeks, "that's when she took the medicine and wouldn't wake up." Brian leaned to his right, his weight falling against Matthew's shoulder as he cried.
"Ssh, be all right Brian. Dr Mike didn't mean it," he consoled, feeling helplessness wash over him at the sound of his little brother's cries.
"Yes, she did. That's why she don't wanna do anything with us. Won't come to the sports day. She don't wanna be my Ma anymore," Brian felt Matthew lift him down from the horse.
"Now you listen to me, Brian, that just ain't true. Dr Mike loves all a us very much, just like we love her. Now you know she's findin' it real hard at the moment, but it don't mean she don't still love you," Matthew cradled Brian's head against his shoulder, managing to hold both horses' reins.
"That's what Sully said," Brian whispered.
"Well, he was right," Matthew condoned, "you just gotta remember that."
"But if she don't love the baby, maybe that means she don't love us neither?" Brian protested.
"Ain't true, Brian. Sully told ya about that, didn't he?" Matthew continued, slowly dropping Brian down to his feet.
"Guess so. Coz the baby came from somethin' bad," the little boy reminded himself quietly.
"Yeah," Matthew sighed, gripping Brian's shoulder tightly.
"Matthew?" Brian looked up. "Wish Ma could help Dr Mike," he repeated, his face brightening at the memory of his mother.
"Me too, Brian. Ma woulda been just the person Dr Mike needs right about now," Matthew agreed, picking Brian up again for a warm hug, before lifting him back onto Taffy.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Colleen opened her eyes, not realizing she'd fallen asleep until she felt the now-cool compress against her stomach. Frowning, she got to her feet, moving to the fireplace to check the time.
Four fifty.
She turned around, knowing she'd have to start dinner soon. It was then that she noticed she'd not been the only one asleep. Chewing absent-mindedly on a fingernail, Colleen watched Michaela doze, curled on her left side, her long hair trailing over her right shoulder.
About to concern herself with supper preparations, Colleen turned back towards the shelves and cupboards, looking up when she heard the sound of horses in the distance.
Moving quickly outside, Colleen waited until she saw Matthew and Brian appear, placing a finger firmly to her lips.
"Hey Colleen," Brian slid down off Taffy.
"Hush Brian, Dr Mike's sleepin'," the young girl whispered sharply.
Brian merely sighed, and with his head dropped, led the horse over towards the barn.
"Here," Matthew muttered, handing Colleen the basket from Grace. "Grace sent it."
Colleen's face melted into relief, as she took the basket back inside, supper having instantly prepared itself!
Matthew watched as Brian silently unsaddled Taffy and removed her bridle. Remembering their earlier conversation and aware of all Brian had endured the last few weeks, Matthew tried to think of what would put Brian in a better mood.
"Hey, how about a game a checkers before supper?" Matthew offered, expected Brian to eagerly take him up on the offer.
The little boy simply stared back up at him, shrugged lightly and scuffed his way back inside.
Colleen looked up, hearing the back door open. About to chastise one of her brothers, she watched as Brian crept around from their beds, a finger held reverently to his lips.
Colleen shook her head with a bemused smile, watching as Brian slowly and carefully made his way around to the empty side of the bed, his eyes never leaving his mother's face, ensuring he didn't disturb her as he crawled across to her side.
Satisfied that he'd been as quiet as he could, Brian nestled his head on the empty pillow, hands clasped under him, eyes remaining locked to Michaela's face as she slept.
His sister watched captivated, her head tilted in curiosity, before she quietly went back to preparing supper.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"I told Penny Miss Grace's cookin' was the best. Wish she could come out here," Brian savored the last of his bread soaked in gravy, reluctantly letting Colleen take his plate.
"I dunno, little brother. Probably be a bit for her to adjust to," Matthew counted.
Michaela got to her feet, helping Colleen take the plates and cutlery over to the basin.
"But it'd be fun. Can she Ma? Can Penny and Aunt Rebecca come visit?" Brian looked over at her hopefully.
"We'll see," Michaela considered, spooning the small amount of leftovers into a bowl for Pup.
"Game of checkers, Brian?" Matthew offered, Brian agreeing quickly and going off to find the board and pieces.
"I'll go get the water," Colleen nodded, turning around towards the back door.
"Are you feeling any better?" Michaela looked over compassionately.
"Yeah, should be fine now, ya know," she smiled turning and hurrying outside, missing her mother's reaction.
"I remember," Michaela spoke quietly, watching as Brian and Matthew commenced their game.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Colleen looked up from filling the bucket with water, at the sound of a branch snapping in the distance. She saw Wolf come running down the path. Quietly placing the bucket back down, Colleen walked quickly around to the front of the homestead, looking for Sully.
"Sully!" she hissed quietly, looking around, eventually seeing him appear in the distance.
A smile came to his face immediately, when he saw her indicating for him to be quiet and follow her into the barn.
"Was just comin' around for coffee, what's up?" he kept his voice low as she closed the door.
"Needed to talk to ya in private. Wanted to warn ya," Colleen clasped her hands together nervously.
"Warn me?" Sully folded his arms, leaning up against Bear's stall.
"I, I opened my big mouth. We were just talkin', and I was tryin' to be honest, but think I've just made it worse." Colleen began hesitantly, pacing around the barn.
"Made what worse?" Sully shook his head.
"Was talkin' to Dr Mike this afternoon. About stuff. Was curious if the two a you woulda been married by now. I, I was tryin' to be considerate. Said I'd understand if she didn't wanna marry ya, if she was afraid to, but then it all just got out a hand, and she found out."
"Found out what?" Sully frowned, letting his eyes drop closed for a moment.
"Found out that you only proposed to her coz Matthew told you to," Colleen blurted out; the damage was already done. "Matthew told me what happened in Boston."
Sully sighed, wishing for a day when things didn't get any more complicated than they already were.
"What, and Matthew told you that I spoke to Dr Mike?" Sully kept his voice controlled and soft.
"Yeah, that you asked her to marry ya, and she said no," Colleen nodded, relieved to not be in trouble.
"I see," Sully cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry Sully. I know this ain't any of my business," Colleen apologized sincerely.
"Wouldn't say that, it'll impact on all a ya so, it ain't a secret. Just makes it difficult everyone thinkin' different things." Sully reasoned, trying to see where Colleen was going with the conversation.
"You ain't wrong there. Think Dr Mike's kinda mad that you only asked her coz Matthew said to."
"Whoa, whoa," Sully raised his hands in defense, "First off, that ain't the case. I don't do something just coz someone tells me to."
"Well, Dr Mike thinks ya did," Colleen sighed, biting her lower lip, "Sully, I know it ain't about doing what's right but, guess I can't help but think it would make everything a lot easier if the two a ya just got married."
"I know. Matthew feels the same." Sully answered quickly, "But it's a big step."
"Yeah, although Dr Mike said she ain't scared of marryin' ya. Dunno if I believed her. I'd be scared of," Colleen shrugged, suddenly realizing she was talking with another man and not Dorothy or Becky. "I mean, well, I'd be nervous enough about gettin' married, and I ain't been through what she has," she turned away, pushing her hands deep into the pockets of her apron.
Sully remained thoughtfully quiet, watching Colleen begin pacing around the barn again. He lowered his gaze, thinking about Colleen's words.
Does Michaela think I'd expect that of her? If was difficult enough before all this. Maybe that's why she said 'no'.
"Marriage is more than that, Colleen," Sully reassured, seeing the young girl glance over awkwardly.
"I know, but that's a part of it. And from the talks I've had with Dr Mike, she was raised to believe it's an important part." Colleen saw the sincerity on Sully's face; it didn't bother him to have such conversations.
"Know she was," Sully smiled, remembering the difficulties they'd had establishing physical boundaries when they'd been courting. "But ain't the same now. I ain't got no expectations of Michaela. I just love her," Sully glanced down at the sacred necklace around his neck, never having predicted their cultures to have merged in such a cruel manner.
"Sully, know Brian wants you as a pa awful bad, but so do I. You're a good Pa, better than ours ever was," she sighed, looking over sadly.
"We're workin' on it, Colleen," Sully smiled, extending his right arm out towards her.
Colleen smiled, immediately throwing herself into his embrace.
"Thanks for tellin' me," Sully looked down, patting her shoulder lightly.
Somehow, fathering a daughter was different. Sully knew he could roughhouse with Brian, speak frankly with Matthew, yet caring for Colleen felt more challenging.