"Hey Colleen." Matthew stepped out from the barn, as Colleen was collecting the water for dinner.
"He say anything to you?" Colleen looked up towards the barn, Brian having escaped back outside as soon as possible after finishing his dinner and refusing dessert.
"Just told me to leave him alone," Matthew shrugged. "What's going on with him anyway?"
"You're asking me? Won't talk to me or you in two days; Brian and Ma won't so much as look at each other, let alone talk to each other. Only person I've heard him talk to was Mr Bray this afternoon, and he was cryin'," Colleen informed Matthew.
"Something happened with Benjamin again? Kids been teasin' him?" Matthew speculated.
"I don't think so," Colleen answered.
"Then what the hell's going on with him?" Matthew exhaled noisily.
"All seemed to start last night when he went out to the barn," Colleen considered.
"Yeah, and wouldn't have any breakfast again this morning. You ask Dr Mike?" Matthew looked back towards the homestead.
"Yeah, says she doesn't know," Colleen answered.
"Well did you ask her to talk about it with Brian?" Matthew pushed.
"Be my guest! Everyone's so snappy 'round here, I'm just trying to stay out of the line of fire. Thought things were gonna be better once we got home." Colleen sighed.
"I'll go find Sully tomorrow, see if he can talk to Dr Mike and Brian," Matthew offered. "This is gettin' ridiculous."
"Maybe it's somethin' happened in Boston we don't know about?" Colleen stated.
"But they were fine earlier in the week. Gotta be somethin' more recent." Matthew said.
"Who knows, with those two. Just have to look at Dr Mike the wrong way at the moment." Colleen rolled her eyes.
Matthew shook his head with a smiled. "Tell me about it, ten-year-old boys, Brian probably just did something stupid!"
"Here, let me help you with that." Matthew took the bucket for her and followed Colleen back inside.
"Thanks." Colleen followed behind his brother.
~.~
X.O.X
Thursday, 2nd September, 1869
One Day Later – 19 Weeks Gestation
X.O.X
~.~
Colleen watched Brian sitting on a log opposite her, not eating his lunch.
"Just a minute, Becky," she stood and walked over to him.
"Hey?" Colleen sat down, looking at his untouched food in his lunch tin.
"Hey," Brian muttered, not looking at her.
"What's up with you, you ain't feelin' sick are you?" she asked, reaching for his forehead.
"Kinda," Brian sighed.
"Did you tell Ma?" Colleen continued.
"No!" Brian frowned, moving away from her.
"Somethin' upsettin' ya?" Colleen reflected on Brian's of behavior over the past day and a half.
"I don't wanna talk about it." He looked away again.
"Anythin' I can do to help?" she offered.
"I don't think so," Brian sighed.
Both children looked up as Sully and Wolf approached them.
"Hey." Sully sat down on the other side of Brian.
"Sully? Is something wrong?" Colleen looked around quickly.
"Not that I know of." Sully studied Brian's withdrawn expression for several moments.
"Then what you doin' here?" Colleen pressed.
"Wanted to see if Brian wanted to come fishin' with me." Sully reached for the little boy's shoulder.
"But I'm at school." He looked up slowly; he did enjoy fishing.
"That's all right Brian, I'll speak to the Reverend. Come on," Sully stood, gesturing for the boy to follow him.
Sully predicted the next question to come out of Colleen's mouth, "Tell Dr Mike I'll have him home by supper time."
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
"Sully, why'd you bring me out here?" Brian asked curiously.
Sully waited until they'd settled into their fishing for several minutes before replying.
"Wanted to see how you're doin'," Sully prompted, avoiding eye contact, and instead focusing on the fishing lines in the water.
"I'm okay," Brian shrugged.
"Sure don't look like it. You've had a tough couple of weeks. Must be tired?" Sully suggested.
"Kinda, I guess. I've been havin' bad dreams again too," Brian stated awkwardly.
"Talk to Dr Mike?" Sully was pretty sure he knew the answer to that question.
"Uh-uh, I don't want to worry her," Brian sighed.
"You went through a lot with your Ma in Boston. Musta been scary?" Sully considered.
"Everything's just so confusing, Sully," Brian admitted.
"Everything, like what?" Sully kept his voice slow.
"I never know how to be around Dr Mike. Sometimes I'm worried about her, and sometimes I'm scared of her, and then, well, most a the time I just want things to be back how they used to be."
"Yeah, I know," Sully thought about the conversation he needed to have. "Know it's been a real difficult couple a days for ya, Brian."
"You do?" Brian looked dubiously over at him.
"Wanna tell me about it?" Sully offered.
"Ain't no point, you'll just take Dr Mike's side. Everyone will."
"Do I gotta be on anyone's side?" Sully pressed.
"It's not fair, I want my Ma back! I want the Ma she used to be!" Brian threw his fishing pole down into the water, angrily turning around and stomping off in the other direction.
Sully secured the fishing poles and followed closely behind Brian.
"Hey, I know Brian, I know." Sully caught up to the little boy and gripped his shoulders, kneeling in front of him.
"Listen, I know what happened Brian. You and me, we're gonna figure a way through this. And you don't gotta worry, I'll talk to Dr Mike, okay?" Sully held the little boy's upper arms securely.
Brian looked away. "I thought you'd be mad at me." His chin quivered.
"Why don't you just tell me exactly what happened, Brian?" Sully encouraged.
"Promise you won't be mad?" Brian double-checked.
"Promise," Sully reassured, leading Brian back to their fishing poles.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela smiled as she read over the two letters a final time, folding each in turn, and slipping them into envelopes.
It felt like a month ago, not merely a week since she'd seen both women.
She shook her head, remembering how conflicted she'd felt indulging Margaret in conversation about their pregnancies and babies. They must be due around the same time. Would she ever get to see her again?
Rebecca's letter was surprisingly shorter and easier to write. A simple reassure that they were home safely, and to thank her for all her support in Boston. Michaela had cordially extended the invitation for them to visit, however, knew how unlikely it was.
She looked up as a horse approached the homestead.
Michaela frowned, thinking it odd that she could only hear one horse. She crossed the homestead to open the front door.
"Colleen?" She moved quickly across the porch, arriving by Flash, just as Colleen dismounted the horse.
"Where's Brian?" Michaela asked immediately, stepping forward to stroke Flash's nose.
"Sully came and got him from school, said they were going fishing. Said he'd have his home by supper," Colleen answered.
"He did?" Michaela shook her head, following behind Colleen as she led Flash into the barn.
"Yup. Hopefully they'll sort it all out. Suppose I'm wasting my time asking you what really happened the other night?" Colleen awkwardly maneuvered the horse into her the stall.
"Nothing you need concern yourself with, it's between your brother and I." Michaela sighed, having been able to forget about it for the past couple of hours.
"I ain't so sure about that Ma. Brian was talking to Mr Bray yesterday after school, Brian was lookin' awful upset. And then Sully came picked him up from school 'round lunchtime, said they had to have a chat. So, whatever this is about, ain't just between you and Brian no more." Colleen shrugged and closed the stall, ensuring Flash had adequate food and water before walking back to the homestead to start dinner.
She failed to catch the expression of dread that had appeared on Michaela's face.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Brian and Sully had had a long talk, Brian eventually feeling a lot more relieved and a lot less guilty about the experience two days ago.
They'd sat quietly for the next hour, absorbed in seeing if they could catch any fish for dinner.
"Be right back," Sully secured his fishing pole against a rock, quickly jogging away from the water.
Brian continued to sit quietly, until he saw his pole bend sharply at the tip.
"I got one! Sully" he squealed, trying to gently bring the fish out of the water.
He managed to get it out of the water, but knew he needed help to untangle it from the line.
"Sully!" Brian ran into the woods, needing Sully's help to get the large fish off the hook.
"Sully?" the little boy called, jumping over a fallen log, catching sight of Wolf.
"Sully?" Brian repeated, finally seeing him by some bushes.
Running over, Brian stopped quickly when he realized what Sully was doing, "Sorry," the young boy blushed, turning away.
Brian nodded, turning back slightly, accidentally seeing more than he had meant to.
"Sorry," Brian stuttered, trying to distract himself from a nagging concern.
"Just be a minute, Brian," Sully finished and buttoned up his buckskins.
Brian chewed on his lower lip, not looking up again until he heard Sully walk over towards him.
"Really not your week, is it?" Sully chuckled, following after him.
After several steps, Brian stopped, stuffing his hands into his pockets, looking down at the ground.
"What's up, Brian?" Sully placed his hand on the boy's shoulder.
"Sully, you're gonna think this is silly," Brian cringed, fidgeting with his thumbs.
"Try me," Sully answered. "Promise I won't laugh, no matter what," he smiled reassuringly.
"Well, how, how come, you're bigger than me?" Brian cringed, looking immediately away.
"How come I'm what?" Sully stopped abruptly, realizing in a heartbeat exactly what Brian meant.
Brian sighed, wishing he could dissolve into thin air. He focused instead on the dried leaves he was pushing around with his right foot.
"Don't you worry, you'll get bigger when you get a bit older." Sully reassured the little boy, quickly bending down to remove the dead fish from the hook.
"You sure?" Brian looked up hesitantly. "All the other boys are bigger than me. Even Steven, and he's only just turned ten."
"Not everyone is the same, Brian. When you get a little bit older, things'll start to change. Your voice will get lower, like mine and Matthew's, and you'll start growing hair down there, and under your arms." Sully nodded seriously, realizing there were other changes that Brian may or may not be aware of.
"When? How old will I be?" the little boy asked keenly.
"It's different for everyone. But anytime from now until you're twelve or thirteen. It'll happen gradually. Happens to everyone, ain't something ya gotta be worried about. But you can talk to me anytime, you know that?" Sully patted Brian's back.
"I guess you're the closest thing I got to a Pa." Brian nodded, feeling more comfortable about the discussion.
"Is there anything else you wanted to know?" Sully offered.
Brian shrugged, "How come, it changes sometimes. Like sometimes it'll get smaller, and sometimes it'll get bigger."
Sully tapped his hand against his knee, knowing it was obviously time for Brian to have an important talk with someone. He just wasn't so sure that someone should be him. But who else was there?
"Brian, now remember we talked about where babies come from, but I probably didn't explain it to you properly. Ya see," Sully cleared his throat, trying to find the best way of explaining the details. "When boys and girls get older their bodies start changin'. Women get breasts and they get their monthlies, and," Sully hoped Brian would simply accept his explanation.
"Is that the thing Colleen is always complaining about? It makes her stomach sore, and she's in a real bad mood," Brian frowned, having heard the term before, but having no idea what it meant.
"Yeah, I guess so." Sully tried to think of how he was going to continue.
"How come men don't get monthlies?" Brian shrugged.
"Because men and women are different. Ya know what I mean?" Sully kept his gaze calm and understanding.
"Like men have penises, and women don't. But then they have those sacs where the baby grows. That's why the woman has the baby not the man." Brian tried to assimilate the wealth of information he'd obtained over the past five months.
"Exactly. But what if ya ask ya ma about the female stuff, and I'll cover the rest?" Sully offered.
"All right. Dr Mike just uses lots of big words, and makes it sound all medical. I still don't got no idea how it actually works. Who has the baby first? If the man gives the baby to the woman, then where is the baby before it's in the ma?" the little boy cringed, becoming more confused as he thought about it all.
"Right, well no-one has the baby to start with. The baby is created inside the woman. When a woman gets her monthly, it means that her body can grow a baby. But a baby can't start growin' until there is a seed."
"Where does the seed come from?" Brian blinked several times, trying consciously to follow the information.
"From the man." Sully paused, trying to think through an explanation that would be plausible to Brian given the current circumstances. "When boys start growin' up, their penis changes. And like you said, Brian, sometimes it gets bigger. Now, when a man is with a woman, it makes him feel real good, and, ah," Sully cleared his throat, realizing how awkward the conversation was becoming.
"And it makes it go big and hard?" Brian nodded in understanding.
"Right." Sully drew a breath, forcing himself to reflect on his time with Abigail. "Now, women don't have penises, but they have a hole, where the man's penis goes into. And when a man is with a woman like that, his penis goes into the woman and white stuff comes out. That's how the man puts the seed into the woman. Then the seed travels into the sac that the woman has, that's when a baby is made," Sully sighed, shaking his head several times, knowing that it wasn't Abigail's face he had seen throughout that entire explanation.
Sully realized Brian hadn't uttered a sound.
He turned to the young boy, "Make sense?"
"Guess," Brian frowned, his face a mixture of guilt and worry. "Sully?" Brian chewed on his lower lip, "That's what the dog soldier did to Ma, ain't it?"
Sully nodded, slowly reaching an arm around Brian's back. "It ain't supposed to happen like that, Brian. It's supposed to be something that a man and a woman do when they're married; when they love each other very much. You understand?"
"Why would a man do that to a woman if she didn't want to?" Brian nestled against Sully's shoulder.
"Because some people are selfish, Brian. They think only of themselves, of what they want. They don't think about the other person's feelings." Sully ran his hand along Brian's arm.
"Sully?" Brian drew a new breath.
"Did Ma think I was gonna hurt her too? Because I'm a boy?" Brian swallowed.
"I don't think she thought that. She was probably just confused because you woke her up, and it was dark," Sully explained.
"But she looked scared," Brian remembered.
"You just gave her a shock, Brian. Said I'm gonna talk to her tomorrow, didn't I? Will fix it all up." Sully sighed; he just wasn't quite sure how at this point.
"Sully?" Brian continued.
"Yup?" Sully met his eyes.
"I hope you and Ma get married. Because you'd never hurt her and you'd love her, and then if she had a baby with you, she'd love it." Brian looked back towards the homestead.
"Don't you worry, Brian. Everything will be all right." Sully squeezed the little boy's shoulder. "Now, I don't know if ya ma and me will get married or not, but I'll always be here for you kids. I'll always be your Pa. And you can talk to me about anythin', all right?"
"Thanks, Sully." Brian smiled, as they both got to their feet. "Sully?"
"Yup?" Sully chuckled lightly at the little boy's persistence.
"Do ya think it's harder for Ma to love me and Matthew coz we're boys?" The pair began a slow walk back through the woods.
"Brian, ya ma loves all three of you children the same." Sully reassured quickly.
"So it won't matter if she has a boy, then?" he continued.
"It shouldn't. But I imagine ya ma'd prefer if the baby was a girl. Because it will be more like her, ya know?" Sully answered.
"But will it look Indian? Like baby Mike?" Brian picked up a stick and started trailing out a path in the dirt as they walked.
"Probably, Brian. But we won't know for sure until the baby is born." Sully replied honestly.
"What if the baby looks like the dog soldier? Will Ma give it away?" Brian walked the path he was slowly trailing out.
"Why don't we wait and see? Maybe by the time the baby is born, ya ma'll love the baby more than she does now." Sully considered.
"Is there anything we can do to help Ma love the baby?" Brian asked as they cleared the woods.
"I don't think so, Brian. Think it's something she needs to work through on her own," Sully answered.
Brian stopped as they approached the homestead. "Thanks, Sully. It makes more sense. At first I couldn't understand why Ma didn't want the baby, but I do now. And I understand why it makes her upset."
Sully patted the boy on the back, "What do you say we take these home, help with dinner?" He grinned.
"Okay. And you'll talk to Ma?" Brian checked.
"Yup." Sully nodded.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela and Colleen sat opposite each other at the table, chopping up vegetables.
"Are you feeling better, Dr Mike? Get to catch up on sleep?" Colleen asked caringly.
"Yes. I think I underestimated how tired I was. But a couple of quiet days has been a welcome change," Michaela answered.
"Ma, you and Brian went halfway across the country and back in two weeks, no wonder you're exhausted." Colleen smiled.
Both looked up at the sound of a horse, Colleen being the first to check.
"It's Brian and Sully, Ma," she informed her mother.
"I'll go. Please stay inside. I need to speak with Sully," Michaela asked.
"Sure," Colleen replied, watching as Michaela opened the front door and headed out to the porch.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Sully turned his head as he heard the front door open.
"Here." He opened the barn door for Brian, moving back across to the porch.
Michaela wasn't sure what to say to him. Their eyes meeting briefly as he stepped up on to the porch, she could tell from his expression that there wasn't anything that needed saying.
Sully knew everything.
"He's all right," Sully reassured with a quick nod as he moved past her to take the fish into Colleen.
Michaela stayed on the front porch by the railing, looking out towards the sun lowering in the sky until Sully arrived back outside.
"I'll see you in the morning," Sully looked deliberately to Michaela.
"Excuse me?" Michaela raised an eyebrow.
"You and I gotta talk some more." Sully turned and tapped his leg for Wolf to join him.
"But you've talked to Brian?" Michaela frowned, confused.
"Yup," Sully answered.
"And he's all right?" Michaela shook her head confused.
"He's fine. We'll talk tomorrow," Sully repeated directly.
"I don't understand, why not now?" Michaela looked between Sully and the barn, checking that Brian was still settling Taffy for the night.
"Gonna take more time than that. Don't want us interrupted." He changed the subject deliberately. "Enjoy dinner," he smiled, stepping close enough to brush her arm.
"Sully, aren't you going to stay?" Michaela asked, feeling as though the world was swirling quickly around her, surprised that she wasn't angrier about it.
"Do you want me to?" Sully asked deliberately.
"I just asked you," Michaela retorted.
"Yeah, but do you want me to?" he clarified specifically.
Michaela looked between his eyes and the porch uncomfortably, quickly nodded before she lost her nerve.
Sully smiled, that small, playful smile. "Well then, I'll stay. Just gonna wash up," he gestured to his hands, moving across to the water barrel.
~.~
X.O.X
Friday, 3rd September, 1869
One Day Later – 19 Weeks Gestation
X.O.X
~.~
After seeing the children off that morning, Michaela had continued the familiar routine from the day before; she finished the breakfast dishes, and was now looking vaguely around for inspiration.
Michaela moved across the room to place the kettle on the stove. As she waited for the water to boil, she tentatively opened the front cover of the medical journal on the edge of the table.
Michaela read through the table of contents, knowing that none of it interested her.
She heard herself sigh.
What on earth did I think this was going to be like?
She glanced around the homestead for the fiftieth time since she'd been back in Colorado Springs.
I can't stand this.
Just as she was feeling indescribably bored, and was considering going into town, she heard Pup bark outside.
Checking the front window, Michaela opened the door and stepped out onto the porch.
"Mornin'," Sully shrugged with a smile, taking several steps closer towards her, trying to gauge as to whether he should kiss her or not.
Michaela felt the hesitance mixed with curiosity that she was now used to feeling whenever Sully kissed her.
She looked back up at him, as she again realized just how out of place his short hair looked against his shirt and buckskins.
They moved through the front door, Sully shutting it behind him.
"Your timing is impeccable," Michaela gestured to the kettle, as she felt Sully's hand on her back.
She stopped, just allowing herself to notice the touch.
Both looked up at a whining from the porch.
"Is that Wolf?" Michaela frowned as Sully turned back to open the door.
"What's up boy?" Sully frowned, as Wolf rushed inside, about to stop him when he saw the animal make a beeline for Michaela, sitting down against her leg.
Michaela looked down at the animal and then back up to Sully. "What's he doing?"
Sully frowned, looking from the Wolf and then back to Michaela. "I don't know." Sully frowned, tapping his thigh. "Here boy," he repeated.
The Wolf did not move.
"Hmm," Sully sat back.
Michaela shrugged, moving across to the stove and continuing to prepare the tea. "Tea?" she offered.
"Sure. You glad to be home?" Sully watched as she distracted herself preparing the tea.
"I suppose. I miss Rebecca though," she sighed, looking away.
"She can always come visit," Sully answered.
Michaela met his gaze with a wry smile, "And just where would she sleep? The barn?" she brought the cups of tea over to the table.
Sully looked around the room considering her point.
"Here," she placed the cup of tea in front of him.
"Thanks." Sully cleared his throat. "You and Brian go all right last night?" Sully broached the subject deliberately.
"He actually made eye contact, said goodnight, and stayed in his own bed all night," Michaela answered.
"Don't think you're going to have to worry about that anymore," Sully answered directly.
"He doesn't have to stay in the barn, Sully. Unless he wants to?" Michaela looked back at him.
"Well, he is gettin' older. Give you and Colleen more privacy," Sully reflected on the recent conversation he'd had with Brian.
"He's only ten," Michaela countered.
"Yeah, but he's growin' up, Michaela." Sully hoped she'd pick up on his nuance.
"Sully, he's only a child," Michaela challenged.
"Still, there are things that happen to boys, that it's easier to talk to a man about," he answered gently.
"I see," Michaela became aware of a feeling of disappointment.
Sully lowered his gaze. "There were things he didn't understand. Can't blame him for not feelin' comfortable comin' to you." Sully chanced a look in her direction.
"What on earth did you tell him?" Her eyes widened in shock.
"The truth, Michaela. Same as you woulda done if it were someone else. He was just havin' trouble appreciatin' the connection between you gettin' hurt and the baby. Couldn't understand why you weren't happy about it."
Sully studied the dismayed expression on her face. "You upset about me speakin' to him?"
"It's not that," she shook her head. "I'm upset that my ten-year-old son has to learn of the atrocities of human nature."
"I know." Sully took another sip of his tea.
Michaela hesitated before doing likewise.
"And you were able to tell him everything he needs to know?" Michaela clarified.
"Well, I think, between Loren and I, Brian got an education," Sully answered, looked away with a boyish smile.
"What are you grinning about?" Michaela demanded.
"Apparently Loren and a school friend got caught playing doctor with some girls around the back of the schoolhouse when they were Brian's age." Sully shook his head.
"And that's supposed to be funny?" Michaela wasn't following him.
"The thought of Loren at Brian's age is hilarious no matter what he was doin'," Sully only stopped laughing when he saw the nonplused expression on Michaela's face. "What, this stuff don't happen in Boston?"
"I wouldn't know," Michaela answered haughtily.
"Ain't a big deal though, I mean didn't you see your Ma and Pa naked growin' up?" Sully moved the conversation back on track.
"No," Michaela gasped, slightly perturbed by the mere notion.
"But surely you saw a naked man eventually," Sully couldn't help but smirk.
"Eventually," Michaela acquiesced.
"Textbooks don't count. Come on, eventually, ten? Eventually, fourteen?" Sully ventured with an amused chuckle.
"Twenty-six," Michaela shrugged.
"You're kiddin' me." Sully covered his mouth with his hand. He lowered his hand when he realized she was serious. "Hope it was worth it."
"I suppose it was; I was dissecting him." Michaela looked back to Sully awaiting his next response.
"Dead men don't count either," Sully challenged. "Next."
Michaela sighed, having stopped enjoying the conversation several minutes earlier.
It harked back to just one of the many arguments that prevented her attending a medical college in Boston; that allowing women to become doctors, to study male anatomy and examine male patients would corrupt their morality.
"Sully, are you saying I am overreacting?" Michaela returned to the topic at hand.
"Just that what happened the other night means somethin' different to you than it did to Brian." Sully suggested.
Michaela frowned, not understanding, but also trusting that Sully usually knew what he was talking about. She indicated for him to proceed.
Sully sighed, not sure where this was going to go.
"Who's side do you want me to take first here?" Sully raised his eyebrows, waiting until he had her full attention.
"Who's side? Sully, Brian and I are on the same side in this," Michaela replied determinedly.
"No, ya ain't, and that's where the problem is," Sully corrected, raising his hand up against her immediate objection.
Michaela watched silently, as he stood from his chair and moved around the table to sit next to her.
"From your perspective, you were scared, someone was touchin' you, you didn't know who it was, and you couldn't stop it. Then within moments, you find out it was Brian. That just made it more confusing, because then you realized he was looking at you. Add shocked and embarrassed, to scared and powerless, and where do you think you were in that moment?" Sully watched her process his description.
"Sully, Brian wasn't going to hurt me," Michaela felt her defenses rising.
"You know that now, but you didn't feel it then. You felt violated and betrayed, and that makes perfect sense, Michaela." Sully watched her absorb his statement.
Silently she nodded. "I felt repulsed. I felt humiliated and angry. I never had the chance to feel angry before. Why do men do that!" she seethed.
"Whoa," Sully tentatively reached for her shoulders, unsure if she was going to resist the contact. "You're right, it's repulsive, and it shouldn't have happened. But Brian ain't a man, he's a ten-year old boy."
"But what if he," Michaela gasped.
"He weren't lookin' at you like that. He was lookin' 'cause he didn't understand what he was seeing, what he was feeling. This is the time boys get to figure this stuff out."
"What, so they just refine their technique! What if he grows up and," she felt Sully move closer to her side, gripping her shoulders more securely.
"Look at me. Brian ain't gonna grow up and rape anyone. Now, this is what I meant. Ya gotta hear me. Brian didn't mean to see what he was saw, he didn't understand how it made him feel, and he sure as hell didn't understand how it made you feel, all in less than a minute," Sully stayed quiet until he was sure she had heard all of what he said.
"How do you know, Sully? How do I know he won't grow up and hurt someone, because he enjoys how it makes him feel?" Michaela felt the hollow space in her chest.
"Because he's been crying his heart out with guilt ever since. Because he knows it's hurt you. He's devastated that he's made ya upset, and he's ashamed," Sully explained.
"What do I do now?" Michaela asked.
"I think the two a ya need to work it out. He needs to understand how you felt, and you need to understand that bein' curious like this, is normal for boys. Ain't sayin' it's right, but it's normal," Sully clarified.
"It's normal? I'm supposed to condone this behavior because he is male?" Michaela shook her head.
"Not condone, understand maybe. Am sure girls do it in their own way?" Sully looked over curiously.
Michaela looked back up at Sully with an uncomfortable shrug.
"Maybe this is the bit you missed? We're all meant to enjoy lookin'," Sully smiled, kissing the side of her cheek. "We're meant to enjoy looking, kissin', touching, snugglin', when the other person enjoys it too." Sully trailed several kisses down her neck.
Michaela sighed, trusting his conviction, but having nothing to base it on. "You're right, Sully. I missed it."
"Well, that's all right, you were focusin' on other important stuff. Ain't no reason you can't catch up." Sully smiled, reaching for her left hand and kissing the back of it.
Michaela looked intrigued between his mouth against her hand, and the cheeky sparkle in his eyes.
Are we supposed to enjoy it, or is that just what boys, men, tell us? When are you allowed to enjoy it? Rebecca said it's possible to enjoy it.
Michaela was distracted from her thoughts by Sully's voice.
"Anything you need doing 'round here? Could chop some fire wood, feed the animals?" Sully suggested, squeezing her hand.
"I think Matthew and Brian have been managing," Michaela replied quietly. "I'm sorry, I'm not the best company at the moment," Michaela admitted.
"It's all right. Anything I can do to help?" Sully offered.
"I don't think so," Michaela hesitated, looking down at their interlocked hands.
"What's botherin' ya?" Sully asked with an understanding smile.
Michaela felt her fingers slide softly against his.
"How can I explain to Brian how I felt when I don't even understand myself?" She didn't look up when she felt his hand on her shoulder.
"How woulda you explained it to him six months ago?" Sully considered.
"I, I would've explained about respect, and privacy, and," Michaela trailed off, pulling her hand away from his and burying her face in both her hands, elbows propped up on the table. "That no-one has the right to do something to someone if they don't want them to." She sighed, shaking her head at her foolish beliefs about the world. "But none of it's true, Sully! I as much said the same thing to Rebecca a week ago."
Sully tried to get a glimpse of the exasperated look on her face, through her hands.
"That's the way it's supposed to be Michaela. Course the world ain't gonna be perfect, don't mean you gotta raise Brian any different than you woulda six months ago."
Michaela placed her hands down in her lap, leaning back in her chair. "I suppose," she replied doubtfully.