"Still ain't no excuse!" Matthew stood from the bed, not buying Michaela's explanation for Jake's behavior.
"Matthew, calm down," Colleen shrugged, turning to look up at him.
"He's a grown man," Matthew paced around the room angrily.
"It's not as simple as that," Michaela defended, feeling professionalism surface, "he's afraid, Matthew."
"Bunch a malarkey, ain't got no reason. Weren't him this happened to," Matthew shrugged deliberately.
Michaela frowned, reflecting on her son's words, "Yes, it was. That must be it."
"Nightmares can be real scary, Matthew. I know," Brian nodded assertively.
"What do ya mean, Dr Mike?" Colleen saw the contemplative look on her mother's face.
"I'd forgotten all about it. Last year, Jake was abducted by the dog soldiers," Michaela trailed off, expecting that the children would understand what she meant.
"So what? Was his own stupid fault." Matthew folded his arms.
Michaela sighed in exasperation, "That's not the point, Matthew, don't you see? The trauma of his abduction, he never processed it. It's as if, somehow, what happened to me, reminded him of his own fear," Michaela looked to Colleen for support.
"Kinda like Brian gettin' upset when you were gone, coz he was reminded of losin' Ma?" Colleen tilted her head.
"Yes, I think so," Michaela looked up, hearing Matthew's sharp tone.
"Jake ain't no child!" he stormed over towards the door, opening it, not expecting to see Dorothy and Sully on the other side. "What took you so long?" he muttered sarcastically, pushing past Sully and descending the stairs quickly.
Sully glanced from Matthew's departing form, before sighing and stepping cautiously into the room. "Am I interruptin'?" he asked carefully, Wolf moving past him directly across to Michaela.
Michaela shook her head slowly, confused about Matthew's angry behavior towards Sully.
"Everythin' all right? Just heard about last night," Sully arrived into the room, looking suspiciously from Brian, to Colleen and then finally Michaela.
"Jake broke into the homestead, and Colleen shot him!" Brian announced with childlike energy.
"Yeah, ah, that much I heard," Sully cleared his throat.
"Brian," Colleen rolled her eyes.
"What the heck was he doin' out there?" Sully looked to Michaela for a response.
"He wanted to check on me," she shrugged, not wishing to discuss the issue any further.
"In the middle of the night?" Sully raised an eyebrow.
"Ah, Brian, help me take the breakfast trays back to Miss Grace's," Colleen reached for the nearby tray, moving quickly from the edge of the bed, knowing when they needed to leave the room.
Sully watched as the children quickly left, folding his arms and leaning back against the wall.
Stifling a tired yawn, Michaela stood up, walking briskly around the edge of the bed towards the doorway, Wolf following beside her.
"Michaela, ya all right?" Sully frowned, knowing the less she talked about something, the bigger the problem was.
"I'm tired," she paused just long enough to catch his gaze.
Sully was about to let the matter drop, when he noticed the bandage on her left hand. "How'd ya hurt ya hand?" he kept his voice calm.
Stopping once again by the doorway, Michaela glanced downward. automatically, "It's just a sprain," she dismissed quickly.
"Yeah, but how'd it happen?" Sully repeated in a low tone.
Michaela drew a slow breath, knowing it was pointless trying to ignore his questions, however also acutely aware of what his response would be. "I fell," she quickly preempted his next question, "I'm fine."
Arriving out into the corridor, Michaela assumed she'd answered Sully's questions sufficiently until she heard his footsteps behind her.
"How?" he repeated, reaching for her upper arm.
"Sully, everything is fine," she repeated quietly, appreciating their proximity to Jake's room.
"Well, I'm guessin' the fact that you ain't tellin' me what happened is either because you think it's gonna bother me, or you don't want me knowin'. Either way, just convinces me that everythin' ain't fine. Now do I gotta get the truth from Colleen, or?" he saw her eyes drop.
Turning, she paced carefully back towards the first recovery room, waiting until he'd followed before gently closing the door, pausing to allow Wolf to slip through into the room.
"I overreacted because I didn't know it was Jake," Michaela let her eyes drop closed wearily for several moments.
"Michaela, what happened?" Sully made a deliberate effort to keep his voice calm.
Michaela sighed, momentarily distracted by Wolf sniffing her hand. "I woke up. At first I thought it was Brian by the side of the bed," she kept her voice low and evenly-paced, very matter-of-fact. "I didn't know who it was, it was dark, I wasn't thinking clearly, and I panicked. I fell," she concluded succinctly.
"Are you all right?" Sully didn't move, but merely deepened the expression of worry on his face.
"Sully, it's fine." Michaela knew she hadn't hit the floor very hard, the quilt had slowed her fall.
"But your wrist?" he glance down.
"That's to be expected. In pregnancy the ligaments soften, making it more likely that any trauma will cause injury," she explained in a professionally detached voice.
"I was worried is all," he muttered.
"I'm more concerned about Jake at the moment," Michaela stated crisply as she opened the door, surprised that Sully had taken her explanation so calmly.
Stepping out into the corridor, Michaela turned back to him, dismissing the dark expression that remained on his motionless face.
She took several steps forward towards Jake's room, only stopping when she realized she had Wolf less than a foot behind her.
"Here Boy," Sully commanded the animal to his side.
Wolf pulled into a sitting position against Michaela's skirt, with a small whine. He wasn't budging.
"Sully?" Warily, Michaela looked from the Wolf and then back to Sully.
"Ah, looks like you have yourself a Wolf," Sully raised his eyebrows with a small smile.
"I what?" Michaela shook her head, glancing down skeptically at the animal.
Sully shrugged. "Seeya," he headed back down the hallways towards the stairs.
"Sully, I," she paused, again looking down at the animal almost sitting on her left foot.
Michaela sighed, "Let's go and check on Jake."
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
As she watched Jake peacefully sleep for several moments, Michaela turned back into the corridor, not expecting Sully to be right behind her.
"Looks like he's got the right idea," Sully raised an eyebrow.
"Fine," Michaela replied sharply, making her way into the first recovery room.
"Want me to wake ya in a couple a hours?" Sully offered, seeing Michaela take a seat on the edge of the bed.
"An hour will be sufficient," she replied curtly, loathing the special treatment.
Sully remained in the doorway watching as Michaela settled herself onto her left side, adjusting the pillow under her head.
He smiled as Wolf yawned and settled down on the floor by the end of the bed.
Satisfied when she remained still, he left the door ajar and paced back into the corridor to listen for Jake.
Michaela waited until she heard his footsteps cease, slowly opening her eyes. She knew she was exhausted, but she couldn't sleep. She couldn't stop the emotionally charged thoughts racing through her mind.
She could still hear the gunshot.
Casting her mind back over the night before, Michaela knew Jake's actions had unnerved her more than she wished to admit, even to herself.
She pushed away the thought, dropping her eyes closed again, hoping sleep might be easier.
Seeing the blackness behind her closed eyelids, Michaela felt the anxiety rise in her chest, able to feel Jake's hands on her shoulders. Eyes snapping open, she sighed, chiding herself for such overreaction.
This is ridiculous.
Michaela stood from the bed, knowing she'd make up for it tonight. Arriving out into the hallway, she saw Sully leant against the wall.
"Ya all right?" Sully looked up.
"I couldn't sleep," she shrugged, moving down the corridor to check on Jake once again.
"Ya must be exhausted?" he spoke in disbelief.
"I am. I'm probably too tired," she dismissed, remembering the sleep deprivation she endured during her residency. "But I've survived worse."
She paused, knowing it wasn't merely her residency she was remembering.
"Right." Sully nodded, glancing down at the Wolf before realizing he had no intentions of moving from Michaela's side. "I'll come back later, see how you're going." Sully nodded and left.
Michaela looked around the unkempt room, seeing the dust which had covered the desk and cupboards.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Carefully restacking a pile of textbooks on the now dust-free shelf, Michaela stopped when she heard the bell ring.
Opening the door, she wondered why Sully had bothered ringing, surprised when she saw Dorothy before her.
"Afternoon, Michaela." Dorothy smiled, stepping quickly into the room. "Been trying to get over since this morning, was just so busy in the store."
"Is?" Dorothy gestured to the Wolf sitting fully alert between them both. She looked around indicating Sully's absence.
Michaela took Dorothy's observation with a small shrug, turning back to the stack of books in front of her.
"Is Jake doing any better?" Dorothy inquired, leaning against the examination table.
"He's slept most of the day," Michaela answered immediately, not sure where the conversation was headed.
"Michaela, are you all right?" Dorothy shook her head, seeing the disinterest in Michaela's body language.
"I'm just tired, Dorothy," she replied honestly, too exhausted to be defensive.
"Well, why don't you have a nap?" Dorothy moved over to her side, brushing her arm.
Michaela shrugged, "I can't sleep."
Dorothy nodded, eyes narrowing as she spoke, "Looks like last night shook you up more than you figured."
Michaela turned, defenses rising, "I'm fine, Dorothy," she looked around the room desperately for an unfinished chore.
"Michaela, it'd be a shock to anyone. No harm in admitting you're a little on edge," Dorothy noticed the Wolf curled up in the corner. "After everything you been through, you can't keep bottlin' it all up. No wonder you ain't sleepin'." Dorothy studied Michaela's blank expression, deciding to continue, "That's what your friends are here for. I may not understand all of what you're feelin', but that don't mean I'm not going to try. And it certainly doesn't mean I don't want to help," she saw Michaela's eyes glaze lower.
"I just wish I could stop feeling as though every sound is going to be a gunshot," she sighed, still able to hear the ringing in her ears from the night before. "I wish I could stop overreacting," Michaela swallowed, interlocking her hands.
"I felt the same, Michaela. When Marcus was at home; it was as though my chest was gonna explode, I could hardly breathe sometimes. Just waiting - for him to strike me or yell at me. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't; But the fear was always the same. Worse than if he'd just beaten me. The beatings only lasted ten minutes; the fear lasted twenty years."
Michaela turned, seeing the reflective expression on Dorothy's face. "That's what I loathe the most, Dorothy. It only lasted a few days, but I feel as though it's going to torment me for the rest of my life," she sighed. "One way or the other."
"It'll get better, Michaela. I'm sure of it." Dorothy raised her eyebrows hopefully.
Without uttering a word, Michaela crossed the room to her desk, slowly sorting through the pile of papers. "At least I've stopped deluding myself that things will ever feel normal again."
"It'll take time. And life will just be different," Dorothy smiled, "I had no idea just how much a baby changes your life until I had my first. And it ain't all the sleepless nights and cryin' that everyone talks about. Watching them grow and change; discoverin' the world," she chuckled in remembrance, "life was never normal again, let me tell you."
"But don't you see, I was quite content with my life the way it was six months ago! I had my work, the children. I was happy!" Michaela dropped the papers back to the desk. "I don't want this, Dorothy!"
"I'm sorry, Michaela." Dorothy frowned, at a loss as to how to comfort her friend. "I just want you to be able to see some good in this. Have something to hang on to."
"There's nothing, Dorothy. I'd considered that Sully and I would marry, that I'd have children. But not like this. It feels as though the rest of my life has been stolen. Even after what happened, I still had that future to hang on to. But not now. Now, I'll never be able to put it behind me."
"What about Sully?" Dorothy continued.
Michaela took several steps towards the window, avoiding making eye contact with Dorothy as she watched the bustling of townspeople on the street.
"He's been incredibly supportive under the circumstances," Michaela considered. "It's just me. I want a future with him, but I don't know if it will be the future we planned."
Dorothy remained silent for several moments, thinking through Michaela's words. Dorothy was reminded of the last conversation they'd shared standing in exactly the same places just under a year ago.
"What does Sully expect?" Dorothy asked carefully.
Michaela turned sharply, unnerved at how quickly Dorothy had uncovered her apprehension. "We haven't discussed it," Michaela looked away nervously. "In Boston, Sully asked if I wanted to marry him," Michaela rephrased quickly, "Well actually, he asked if I wanted him to marry me," she saw Dorothy's eyes light up.
She saw Dorothy's eager expression, "I declined. It was so unexpected. But I find myself questioning that now." Michaela turned back from the window. "How do I know if it's what I want, or if I'm just afraid?"
"Talk to Sully," Dorothy answered without hesitation. "He's a man of his word, Michaela. He wouldn't have proposed if he'd not wanted to. All of us expected him to since the last time you went to Boston, so, it wouldn't be a shock."
"Would it look as though I was just trying to do the right thing?" Michaela asked.
"Is that a bad thing?" Dorothy pressed.
"I am not going to marry him just to appease the conscience of this town!" she baulked.
"That's not what I meant, Michaela. I meant, do you want to bring this child into the world without a father?" Dorothy saw the discomfort sweep across Michaela's face.
"But marriage is so much more than that," Michaela felt the apprehension renew.
"Michaela, I hardly think Sully would expect," Dorothy stopped when she heard Michaela speak over her.
"Don't you see, Dorothy? I don't know if I can marry him. I don't know if I want to be married to any man." Michaela folded her arms across her chest.
Dorothy waited until the room had dropped into silence, "Well, it will take time, but if you love him enough, there's no reason you won't be able to be close to him."
"But I won't know that until it's too late," Michaela sighed.
Dorothy cleared her throat, choosing her words very carefully, "Not necessarily." Keeping her expression deliberately vague, Dorothy waited until Michaela had processed her words. "It's not talked about openly, but it's no secret that Jake and I have been close. Perhaps being a widow people look the other way. If it's that important to you," Dorothy shrugged, seeing Michaela consider her words.
"Colleen thinks I'm afraid to marry Sully. I've spent most of the week asking myself if it's true." Michaela leaned back tiredly against the corner of the window frame.
"Well, why don't you find out?" Dorothy raised an eyebrow with a soft smile.
Michaela saw the unmistakable sparkle in Dorothy's eyes, as she stifled an exhausted yawn.
"For heaven's sake, will you come upstairs and lie down," Dorothy placed her hand on Michaela's back, directing her towards the corridor.
"But Sully's bringing lunch back," Michaela frowned as Dorothy interjected immediately.
"I said lie down, nothing about sleep. And if you manage to nod off, I'll wake you when lunch arrives," Dorothy justified, as she followed Michaela up the stairs, pausing momentarily as Wolf insisted on being between her and Michaela at all times.
Dorothy looked down confused at the animal's behavior.
"Don't ask," Michaela rolled her eyes. "I think he thinks he's protecting me."
"Not a bad idea, all things considered," Dorothy muttered to herself under her breath, Michaela not hearing her.
As they arrived into the first room, Michaela turned in the hallway, "Jake," she sighed.
"Never you mind about him, I'll sit with him," Dorothy remained in the doorway, a stern expression on her face.
"I used to manage sleep deprivation better than this," Michaela shrugged, moving to the side of the bed.
"Michaela," Dorothy corrected with a sharp raise of her brow. "It's just an adjustment, and it's not forever," Dorothy spoke quietly, waiting until she was convinced Michaela was actually going to attempt to rest.
"Yes it is," Michaela replied, more to herself than to Dorothy.
Dorothy watched in surprise as the wolf nestled in against the side of the bed, dropping his head down to his paws.
Dorothy hesitated, seeing the dismal look cross her friend's face. "Michaela, are you plannin' on keepin' this child?"
Michaela sighed, letting her eyes drop closed, "There aren't any alternatives that would ease my conscience."
"What about adoption?" Dorothy countered, leaning against the doorway as the conversation continued.
"If my own prejudices are preventing me from loving this child, I can't expect anyone else to feel differently." Michaela sighed, apprehension stirring at the mental image she had of the baby. "I've been through this before, Dorothy. This town doesn't see past skin color."
"Well, aren't there orphanages especially for Indian children?" Dorothy lowered her gaze.
"No child deserves that kind of life. I spent years treating children in orphanages in Boston. Seeing the filthy, cramped conditions they live in, having to work for food and shelter from as young as three or four years of age. I don't know what I feel towards this child yet, but I couldn't knowingly subject it to a life of suffering. I may not love this child, but I don't hate it either." Michaela caught Dorothy's gaze.
"Something like this, just makes me question the Almighty's plans," Dorothy sighed, not expecting Michaela to answer her so sharply.
"There isn't a plan, Dorothy. Science is cause and effect. God doesn't have a hand in that," Michaela defended sharply.
Dorothy studied the serious expression on Michaela's face, knowing better than to challenge her. "You just rest, Michaela. I'll sit with Jake." Dorothy left the room quietly.
~.~
X.O.X
~.~
Michaela opened her eyes to the bright daylight, glancing around the room, momentarily disoriented.
Sully looked up from the copy of The Gazette he'd been reading, hearing the movement. "Sleep well?" he asked, a small smile on his face.
Drawing a replenishing breath, Michaela nodded, pulling herself into an upright position. "What time is it?"
"Just after three." Sully shrugged.
"Dorothy said she'd wake me," Michaela sighed, getting slowly to her feet.
"I know. I told her not to," he smiled, that irresistible boyish smirk.
"Sully," Michaela grumbled, straightening out her skirt.
"You can't tell me you weren't exhausted. And I saved lunch for ya," he gestured to the tray with a red and white checkered napkin draped over it.
"Thank-you," Michaela paused as she studied the soft expression on his face.
Arriving at the dresser, she lifted the napkin, glancing down at the salad sandwich and slice of tea cake. "Is Jake still resting?" she looked up, about to turn and check on him.
"He's fine," Sully rose to his feet immediately. "Dorothy's sittin' with him."
Michaela carried the metal plate back over to the bed, stifling a yawn.
"Ya feelin' better?" Sully watched attempted to delicately commence her lunch.
"Sully," Michaela put the sandwich back down. "I can't eat with you watching me," she smiled nervously.
"Who's watchin' ya? I'll, all right, I'll look out here." He turned the wooden chair ninety degrees towards the window, chuckling under his breath.
"Thank-you." She rolled her eyes, savoring the soft, fresh bread.
"Michaela," Sully cleared his throat, continuing to watch the activity on the main street below. "I ain't been entirely honest with ya. I shoulda been," he paused, about to turn his head.
"About what?" she prompted between mouthfuls.
"Since we got back. Went out to see Cloud Dancin'. He knew, Michaela. I can't explain it. He told me he knew about the baby." Sully waited several moments, eventually turning back to see the blank expression on her face.
"How?" she frowned, brushing some of the crumbs from her fingertips.
"'Said it was the spirits," Sully muttered vaguely, "Snow Bird's pregnant too." He felt the sentence leave his mouth quickly, not sure how she would respond.
"I see," Michaela replied in a neutral tone.
"I just didn't wanna be keepin' anything from ya," Sully ran his hand against the back of his head, more out of habit, still caught by surprise when he felt the shortness of his hair.
Taking a bite into the second half of the sandwich, Michaela reflected on her conversation with Dorothy hours earlier.
The silence the followed was punctuated only by the sound of trotting horses, and the occasional raised voice from the street below.
"You're right, Sully. There's too much we've kept from each other as it is," she continued, picking out a piece of cucumber and nibbling on it thoughtfully.
Sully nodded slowly, both unsure of what the other was thinking.
Clearing his throat, Sully knew he had to inform her of the conversation he'd had with her sister just prior to their returning home. About to speak, he looked up at the sound of his name.
"I want you to tell me the truth. In Boston, did you ask if I wished to marry you simply because of William?" Michaela looked down at the empty plate, laying the napkin neatly across it.
He paused, considering his response.
"Not entirely. When you told me what he said, and I knew you'd considered marryin' him, I thought it might be important to ya; bein' married before the baby came. It weren't the only reason though." Sully thought back over his motives honestly.
"I know. I know what Matthew said," Michaela answered, as if trying to reassure him that he need not protect her son.
"Matthew? What's Matthew got to do with it?" Sully baulked immediately.
"You don't have to keep up this pretense, Sully. Colleen told me everything." Michaela felt her defenses rise.
"Well then someone didn't tell me, because I ain't got a clue what ya talkin' about." he replied honestly, yet with equal abruptness.
"Stop it, Sully!" Michaela rose from the bed, placing the plate back on the tray. "At least be honest with me! I know Matthew talked you into proposing. You don't have to protect him." She remained on her feet at the end of the bed.
"Michaela, I ain't about to let anyone talk me into proposing marriage to someone! I don't know where Colleen got her information from, but it just ain't true. Yes, Matthew asked if it would make things easier, but I wouldn't have said what I'd said it if wasn't what I wanted," he stopped quickly, knowing he deliberately didn't wish to phrase it that way.
Michaela's frustrated expression faded, as she felt the emotions begin to swirl, "It's not suppose to be this way," she cringed, "I'm supposed to want to marry you, it's supposed to be," she searched for the right word, "spontaneous, exciting," she gazed upwards as her face brightened with memories of David's proposal.
Sully watched sadly as she lowered her eyes.
"I never knew he'd take so much." Michaela had taken several steps back towards the door when she felt Sully's hand on her right shoulder.
Sully saw the tears in her eyes as she turned around to face him. He knew there were no words to be spoken in that moment; none that would offer any comfort.
Bringing his other hand to her upper arm, Sully drew her to his chest.
"I want my life back," she pleaded desperately, tearing flowing from her eyes, as she felt her arms secure around his back.
"I know," he answered helplessly, in that moment wishing he could give his life to take her pain away. Sully ran his fingers through the hair trailing down her back. "I know it's not fair, Michaela. And I know it seems hopeless right now."
"It's not just now Sully, it's the rest of my life!" she pulled away from his embrace. "I can't love this child. I can't even bear to think of it. If I keep it, I'll never have my life back; if I give it up, I'll have to live with the guilt. The shame and anger just makes me wish I'd died out there, and none of this would be happening." Michaela drew a dejected breath. "I can't help but feel the children would be better off with Olive as a mother now. I'm not the mother Charlotte wanted for her children. I've let her down."
Sully remained perfectly still, watching as Michaela gripped her upper arms tightly. "That just ain't true. You've talked about everyone 'cept you, Michaela."
"If it was just about me, we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we?" she spoke in a low voice.
Sully frowned, unnerved by the seriousness he saw in her eyes. "You don't mean that."
"The children were the only thing that kept me alive. And now I feel as if I've failed them too." Letting her arms drop to her side, Michaela kept her gaze lowered, "What's the point?"
"You ain't gonna feel this way forever, Michaela. Ya just gotta believe in that," he spoke confidently, reaching forwards to brush her arm.
"And in the meantime? I try to think back to before this happened, to remember what kept me going. It was probably just hope. That I could change things, have an impact on people's lives," she looked up at the sound of his voice.
"Ya still do. Ya saved Hank's life; Jake's too by all accounts. And I wouldn't be standin' here if it weren't for you," he eventually found her gaze.
"Colleen asked me an interesting question the other day. If things had been different, would we be married now?" She looked away, suddenly not sure why she had asked the question.
"Dunno," he drew a breath, trying to ascertain why she had asked that particular question. "Things were goin' all right 'til Catherine came along."
"I can't believe I made such a big deal of that. I'm sorry I didn't accept your explanation; I just felt so hurt and embarrassed." Michaela sighed, thinking about how trivial the incident had been. "To think I was worried about that humiliating me."
"I know what people think is important to ya, don't always understand why," he tried to answer her original question, "Truth is, I don't know how things would be now. Why does it matter so much?"
"It matters. It's the only way I have of truly knowing my feelings towards you," Michaela felt his hand run over her shoulder.
"Well don't ya know?" Sully shook his head, slightly confused.
"I can't trust my feelings now. How do I distinguish between apprehension and fear?" she shrugged, not sure if Sully would comprehend her meaning.
"Well, change will always bring apprehension; that's normal. What are you afraid of?" he spoke slowly.
"Making the wrong choice. What if I'm not the right person for you?" she chewed lightly on her lower lip.
"I wouldn't have asked ya to marry me if I didn't think you were the right person. You gotta ask yaself if I'm the right person for you, Michaela." Sully looked up, hearing a light knock on the door.
Turning quickly, Michaela saw the familiar head of red hair.
"Sorry," Dorothy apologized, "Michaela, Jake's awake. Wants to go home."
"He must be feeling better," Michaela stood from the bed and followed Dorothy back out into the corridor.