There was that unexplained, yet the justified urge to square Andi right in the face. Particularly in her well-defined jaw.
It was just a thought. It was not as if she had plans of actually doing it. There were rules, and she was a respectable doctor, but doing it solely just for Andi felt just about right. But then again, she lived that down.
The weight on her chest felt more than heavy now, and she knew only Arizona could fix that.
But the blonde was nowhere to be found, probably already scrubbing out of her surgery. Amelia could only imagine how excited Arizona was right now, with the brightest of smiles just thinking about the date they had for tonight.
And she was stuck in the observation gallery with fucking Andi who had no boundaries and was stepping so much into her personal space that it made her want to throw up.
But Andi was there, Andi had a reason - and even if she wanted to just get on with her life and pretend she didn't exist, a big part of Amelia just wanted to know what she was actually talking about.
Partly, she knew Arizona have kept some things about what happened in those three nights. But she couldn't bring herself to be angry with her now, they had already been way past that. Arizona had her reasons. She was saving Amelia, and nothing else mattered except for the fact that Arizona had been there with her because she cared so much about Amelia.
Amelia wanted to start over, to have a clean slate with Arizona. They were already doing so well together. They finally came to a mutual decision into giving them a try after a decade of doing nothing. And in those three days they spent, ever since their kiss in the attendings' lounge, Amelia realized now how incapable she was of thinking she could have a life without her.
It hadn't been said much. They haven't been particularly talking for the past few days. They have been kissing with wandering hands that had been exploring each other out a lot though, for sure. But it was also just their flippant reason to make up for the lost time.
And as much as Amelia wanted to stop knowing, she also couldn't bring herself to. Even if she knew it was going to hurt her just as much as how she may also end up hurting Arizona because there was no way she was going to share this all with Arizona after.
Andi didn't want Arizona.
At least not anymore.
Andi made sure Amelia got that message loud and clear.
And when Andi finally decided to open her pathetic mouth once again, Amelia had no choice but to listen.
Andi held her gaze, a deep sigh emitting from her mouth. "She likes you. Maybe even more than that at this point." The sigh was heavy, almost as if she was stuck hopeless for thinking Arizona would have done the same for Andi, and Amelia timidly took pride in that.
She already knew that.
It was not new information.
For Arizona to like her.
She had proven just how for the past days already. But that also did not refrain her heart from beating out of her damn chest. The butterflies in her stomach swirled in her, followed by the lump in her throat that she forcefully swallowed.
It definitely hits differently hearing it from someone else.
"I was there the night you lashed out at her right at the entrance of Joe's a year ago. You wouldn't remember because… well —"
Amelia stretched her back uncomfortably, the thought of hearing her lashed out at Arizona just didn't sit right with her, let alone the annoyance building up in her because Andi was tiptoeing against the truth.
She could handle it.
It used to be her life, but not anymore. And she was done with it.
" Drunk . I was drunk - I get it. C-can we just cut straight to the point?" She exclaimed.
She was a busy woman, and sure she was already done for the day, but she also had a gorgeous blonde almost-something-definitely-getting-there girlfriend waiting for her, and Andi just needed to get it on with it.
"You said some things that you should probably re-think before saying, Amelia." Andi snapped, narrowing her eyes down right at her. The need to sugarcoat things had been apparent to have already dampened down. "Sure she has feelings for you, but that's not a good enough excuse to hurt her."
"You have quite a nerve insinuating that —" Amelia stopped for a moment, coming to an instant realization that she didn't have the need to explain herself to Andi. She bit her tongue to hold her anger down instead, the harshness of her voice lacing in her tone, dying to crawl its way out. She pointed a finger right at Andi in disdain, squaring her shoulders to ease her frustration. "I would never do anything that would hurt her. Whatever I said to her at Joe's that you heard doesn't —"
" Matter? " the other brunette laughed bitterly, "Telling Arizona that she's always one to bail when things get difficult? Proclaiming that she did the same with Mich and eventually Callie – and openly saying it right in front of her face that she likes hurting people for the thrill of it? Might I add, Dr. Shepherd - that she was only trying to look after you then." Andi shot back as Amelia pulled her gaze away as if she had heard enough and so was suddenly, feeling slightly disoriented.
Amelia blinked hard, a bitter taste forming in her mouth as she stepped back down for a moment.
She didn't know where to start.
Suddenly she felt hot as if her skin was on fire - and it just hurts to breathe.
It was never that hard to believe she'd say those things. Just because she knew how she was under the influence of alcohol, and even if she wholeheartedly disagree with whatever it was she said to Arizona, she couldn't just straight up rationalize that she could get away with it simply because she was drunk.
These were the consequences she had to face.
She brought it upon herself.
Amelia abruptly stood up from where she sat, resting a hand on her forehead, then firmly tucking both of her arms on her sides.
It was a fucked-up thing to say. To use Callie and Mich against Arizona. She had no business bringing them up. Sure with Mich, she slightly could have, because she had been there during their fallout - but Callie was different. It had been entirely a different story with Callie.
She was the love of her life. She didn't know much, but she knew about faulty planes and cars that crashed and custody battles and a bit about a certain craniofacial surgeon that wreaked havoc on their marriage. But beyond that, they loved each other hard.
Arizona hadn't particularly been open about the relationship that she had, but she used to be Arizona's Callie - used to be the person they call each other home. Amelia had no right to speak up about something that she had no idea about and to use her past relationships to prove a point to Arizona. It was vile and reprehensible.
They were not even together then, and yet she still had the unearned recklessness in her to use it on someone who was only trying to help.
In most cases, Amelia would often find herself feeling angry. The initial instinct was to always be angry when put in a situation she had no control over. One she didn't ask for.
Now that she was sober, all that she felt was sadness.
Anger turned into sadness because it got her contemplating if she was what Arizona really needed.
Now, she perfectly understood where Arizona was coming from then. The whole bit about her being someone that she wanted, but also someone that she didn't need. That could be perfectly applied now to Amelia, not Arizona.
From her perspective, Amelia didn't deserve her - and she was afraid of messing things up because of her past. In reality, Amelia realized, it was her who was actually afraid and angry, and just so angry at herself. Because no matter how things seemed to be going well for them so far, at the end of every day, she could never really give Arizona the assurance that things would be better this time around for them. She may eventually be the same fuck-up who may potentially ruin Arizona's life. A ticking time bomb and Arizona had been through so much and Amelia thought she didn't need to have someone like her in her life.
She had already managed to hurt her when they barely had been anything then.
Amelia had to admit that she hated Andi for confronting her like this, but after the truth - she then finally had a full grasp that she may never be that person who could be good enough for Arizona. She had always been rather difficult to be with, and if there was anyone Arizona would need - after everything that happened to her, Amelia Shepherd, was the last person she should even be considering as someone she could call hers.
-x-
Amelia loved Addison.
She would do anything for her.
There was no denying that she had a stronger bond with her than her actual brother or any of her three sisters combined.
So when she asked for a place at the practice, not only was she considering it because it'd be a great opportunity for her career-wise but also because at that moment in her life, she was also looking for permanence. Solace. A place where she wouldn't feel alone - despite already being one.
So she pushed and pushed - despite being strongly aware that the practice was a much smaller gig, relatively compared to her other offers — solely because Addison was there.
Addison made her feel safe when she had no one. And though things between her and Derek didn't quite end in the way Amelia wanted, she still took the job.
Amelia already knew about Addison and Derek, and shockingly — Addison and Mark. And for the most part, life seemed to be painstakingly laughable when she realized the world wasn't as bigger as she thought it was.
Because holy shit, everyone seemed to know everyone. Or maybe she was stuck with the same group of people who slept around — a lot when she also briefly learned from Addison that she was great friends with Callie Torres.
Callie. Gorgeous. Hot. Ortho-goddess Callie also happened to be dating Arizona. The girl she used to have a silly crush on from Hopkins.
"The world can't get any smaller than this—" she groaned, as the fetal surgeon chuckled across the table. Looking at Amelia with a sly amusement in her eyes as she tossed her lunch leftover from a nearby bin. "I feel like everyone's friends with everyone."
"Sex."
Amelia choked at that, clearing her throat. "Excuse me?"
"We're all related through sex." Addison shrugged, and the remark alone was more than enough to cause Amelia's brain to stop functioning. She stopped in her tracks, holding her gaze back at the redhead with narrowed eyes - because okay just, wow, that could only mean that — "Oh my god, please don't tell me you slept with Callie?"
Addison then burst out laughing, dismissively waving her hand across the air and Amelia could only swear she had never looked even more confused than she already was. "God, no. I meant Mark. Mark and Callie."
"W-what? Since when —"
"Callie's pregnant with Mark's baby."
-x-
It felt as though Amelia was dragging her feet to get to where Arizona was. She failed to muster the courage to face her, not after what happened with Andi at the gallery, and not when she had been trying to cover up the tears that had been threatening to spill over.
Every step she took towards her was excruciating. It also didn't help how she couldn't seem to get the memory of seeing Arizona so damn happy earlier out of her head. It'd be more difficult getting to her now, after everything that happened to them before she went to surgery.
But she promised she'd see her after. Amelia already claimed she was that person who wanted to know her more. To be that person who was going to be there through every win and every loss, and today was one of those days. Arizona had managed to save the life of a mom and her unborn child without any complications during her surgery. It was also worth celebrating that she was there for her . That they were together.
She made a quick jog all the way to the attendings' lounge, and hastily took a seat back down on the couch, trying to catch her breath. She ran a hand in her hair, placing it down briefly to cover her mouth as she felt an impending breakdown about to take place.
The initial instinct was no. This was not the right place to process what just happened between her and Andi. Not when there was a high chance that Arizona would be seeing her this way. But it all seemed as if it was too late to do that now when she felt a pair of arms enveloping her from behind.
She didn't even second guess who it was, as she found herself leaning back towards the blonde, finding comfort in her arms. Arizona gently propped her chin on the crook of her shoulder, so naturally, like they were simply made to be this way - and it made Amelia want to die.
"Hey."
"Hey, yourself." Amelia teased, sensing as the blonde's form shifted as Arizona laughed heartily from behind. "You were amazing back there."
"Well, you can say I was a little inspired…" Arizona remarked, and Amelia let out a sigh as she felt the blonde tuck her hair behind her ear to have easy access to her neck, kissing her softly.
"A little?" She couldn't help but mock her. Even just a little bit of pretending she was dismayed wouldn't hurt.
Even if her insides were screaming to up and leave her.
Even if it was all too nice to feel Arizona's lips landing on the spots Amelia liked.
Even if she could already feel her heart pouncing off her ribcage as she also felt Arizona's hands dropping from her shoulders down to the tops of her breasts.
" Arizona." She croaked, voice dangerously low as Arizona's had now wandered underneath her scrub top. And good god just why did Arizona think now was the best time to put her other free hand inches lower to her pants? Of course . It had been a while, and wildly beyond this, she wanted Arizona to have her more than anything but Andi's words had been biting her right in the ass. Which also made her involuntary jerk the blonde's hand away, sitting up straight and now far from her reach.
The movement startled Arizona and Amelia could easily tell there was this confused look painted on her face right now even if she was still coming from behind.
"Sure, she has feelings for you. But that's not a good excuse to hurt her."
"I think we should probably save this for tonight." She explained, cringing at how she sucked at pretending everything was okay, as she squeezed Arizona's wrist in assurance. She couldn't tell just how Arizona was taking this all in, but surely she was looking even more confused at the sudden shift of Amelia's behavior.
Amelia hoped Arizona would stay exactly at her place because she had no idea how to actually cope if in any case Arizona would make her way from the back of the couch and meet her up front to face her.
But she knew Arizona, and she in fact did - came up from behind, looking even more worried than offended that she shook her off. She had every right to be upset, and yet here she was almost looking like wanting to comfort her, and god, Anelia just can't.
"Everything okay?" Arizona asked, taking a seat beside her, and instinctively - Amelia wanted to lean in. Because she was Arizona. They were something , an-almost something. It would be uncharacteristic if she pulled away even more.
No. "Yes, just —" she sighed, palming her face briefly to inhale more air in. I can't be with you anymore. She looked up to face Arizona, giving a soft smile, and pulled her hand to her thigh, squeezing it. "Just feeling tired for some reason."
Amelia hated making excuses, so that also made her an awful liar and wished she said something else instead as her reasoning caused Arizona to raise her brow, looking even more concerned than how she was earlier. "You know we can always reschedule—"
"No, no." She bit her lip furiously, because fuck she had been looking forward to their date for days, and Amelia was also torn if they should still push through because Andi messed her up really bad, and got her head to finally stop and properly think if pursuing a relationship with Arizona was still the right thing to do. "We're still on for tonight."
Amelia wished she said something else, knowing that there was a high chance she wouldn't be able to commit. But her response got Arizona to smile once again, the dimpled smile Amelia deeply loved, and what kind of person she was to mess that up now?
"Okay, so —" she felt Arizona pull her face closer to hers, deft fingers tucked under her chin, looking at her lovingly. Amelia could only whimper at the proximity and how Arizona held her, thinking she didn't deserve any of this. "I'll just finish charting," Arizona grinned, leaning in for a kiss. "Then, I'm all yours by tonight." Followed by another , and god, Amelia wished Arizona sucked at kissing because she could not allow herself to get used to this.
Fuck it.
What kind of person she was not to want this when she had been wanting Arizona for a decade now? Amelia groaned as she wrapped her arm below her waist, and the other to cup the side of her face, almost and practically pulling herself up onto Arizona, straddling her lap. Arizona moaned, and that alone drove her to complete insanity. Electricity elicited through her veins, as Amelia parted Arizona's mouth with her tongue deepening the kiss.
She felt Arizona's warm breath as she gasped against her mouth. Arizona's hands came up to bury her hands in her hair, giving a gentle tug as she also used the angle to pull Amelia's body closer to hers. Both of their tongues battle for dominance.
Kissing and being with Arizona was the best thing that ever happened to her in months.
Amelia couldn't pull away, no matter how hard she tried.
Amelia couldn't help it. She did mean it when she said it had been a while . She'd been 'helping herself' for quite some time now, and so — she couldn't be blamed as she grind herself against Arizona's lap repeatedly, trying to get more friction. Arizona elicited a needy whimper, practically begging as she swiftly reached down to place her hand underneath Amelia's scrub top. The blonde ran her hand along her abdomen, pushing her fingers upwards until it reached the spot where Amelia desperately wanted Arizona's hands (or if she was lucky) even her mouth on, too.
Arizona didn't even have to ask, Amelia was just too turned on right now as she didn't even bother unhooking to release the offending garment off. Instead, she placed her hand on top of Arizona's as she guided her hand to nudge her bra together with her shirt up until it reached her neck.
Arizona moaned at the sight, and the look Arizona was giving her was already making her even more soaked through her pants. Fuck. Then she remembered this was technically the first time Arizona had seen her up close, without her bra on, as the blonde also failed to restrain to bite her lip seeing how perky Amelia's breasts had gotten.
"Wow, you're so—" Arizona pushed her body upward, trying to get a better angle. She tentatively put a hand out as her fingers lightly traced her nipple. Amelia gasped, breathing deeply as she pressed her breasts harder when Arizona decided to open both palms of her hands to knead them slowly.
"You can grab a feel…" Amelia's voice trailed off, eyes now tightly shut as she felt Arizona's finger gently pinching her left nipple. She drew out a breath, tilting her head back to relieve the sensation, and looked down at Arizona again — staring at her hard with a smirk on her face. "Wouldn't complain if you want to suck on them, either."
Arizona drew her head back as she laughed. Amelia was already feeling shameless for saying all these things out loud but just fuck it. She watched as Arizona's laugh faded, as her look now turned serious — the glint in her eyes was still there but it switched up into a darker shade of blue, lips curling up to give her a smile.
Just as she saw Arizona's mouth begin to descend to her chest, Amelia felt something vibrate straight to her inner thigh that made her instinctively jump right off Arizona's lap, her ass landing right back on the couch. They both groaned as Arizona pulled out the pager from her coat — with Amelia leaning towards the device, finding out that Arizona was being paged to the pit for a fetal consult. Her annoyance had been replaced with concern as she realized it was an emergency.
Arizona pressed a kiss on the corner of her lips, as her free hand then traveled downwards to pull Amelia's shirt and bra back into place.
"You go. I'll see you later." Amelia said, watching endearingly when Arizona quickly pulled up from the couch, giving her lab coat a quick fix as she tucked the pager back in her pocket.
A lie.
"Okay. So I'll pick you up at…8?" Arizona suggested, raising a brow and a playful smirk. Amelia never thought it was possible that she could laugh and cry at the same time because Arizona had been effortlessly adorable all throughout their days, but most especially at this very moment with her now.
Amelia sighed, shaking her head vigorously - like it was going to fall off. "No, I'll meet you there."
Another lie.
"But —"
"No." Amelia teased, yet still sounding serious. "I'll be there. I promise." She stood up alongside Arizona, squaring her shoulders before leaning forward for one last quick kiss. "See you later."
Well, would you look at that?
A couple more lies.
-x-
There was this justified urge to punch Mark in the face. Particularly in his well-defined jaw.
Just pure fucking rage.
Amelia didn't know what drove her to be this angry toward someone she hasn't seen for almost a year.
"I'm going to fucking kill Mark." Of course, she didn't mean that. But it felt like this was the right thing to say now. Because no matter how unbelievably nice she was, she still could be angry every once in a while.
Callie was pregnant with Mark's baby. Barely a year ago, she paid Derek a visit, and she could perfectly recall that Mark and Callie were not together.
Because Callie was with Arizona.
Callie looked helplessly in love with Arizona.
So just how did he ever get Callie pregnant?
"Amelia."
"No. Because why the fuck would he do that — I mean, that's just…" she waved both hands across thin air. Her chest felt heavy, and she was already pacing back and forth to keep herself calm.
The redhead was watching her every move from where she sat, looking a bit rather shocked and worried as to where this rage from Amelia was coming from. She squeezed her eyes momentarily, wanting Amelia to take a breather. "Amelia, calm down."
Amelia laughed at that. As she continued to walk all around Addison's desk, with both of her hands planted on her hips. "Yeah— I think I'm going to need a minute here."
Callie and Arizona broke up, so she heard.
And Mark and Callie slept together and now she was pregnant.
But Arizona came back.
Arizona came back because she loved Callie, more than anything.
She chose to give up what she rightfully earned from that stupid (not stupid) grant to be with the love of her life.
God. Amelia has been stuck yearning and thinking how much she wanted that. Not from the same person (at least, not anymore), but the feeling of being wanted.
To have someone fly all the way from Africa, and give up everything they worked for - to be with the person they love.
"Why are you mad? Are you exes with Mark or Callie or something?" Addison asked in her most genuine tone. And Amelia felt absolutely relieved that she had no idea. Then again, she herself was also clueless as shit as to why she was mad at Mark — but there was also this faint memory of a certain blonde lingering from the back of her mind.
Of course, it always had something to do with the blonde from Hopkins.
All she knew was that Callie was Arizona's.
She laughed once again, reminding herself that she had no business meddling - let alone getting blatantly affected by someone else's situation.
She was not an ex of Mark, or Callie - hell, even to Arizona she was a nobody.
When will she ever learn that?
The question was never returned. Not because she couldn't give Addison a straight answer but because Addison's phone was now vibrating.
From Mark.Callie got into an accident and was in labor.
-x-
It was already past 8PM.
9:42 to be exact.
She promised Arizona she would be there. To be there by 8 and it was already close to 10PM.
She had Arizona sit around and wait for her for almost two hours, alone in the restaurant. She could only imagine how long it took for Arizona to get to where she was, the amount of effort she put off picking the right outfit.
God, they made plans. Together . They have already mapped out how the night will happen from beginning to end. Together . And Amelia was never one to plan things ahead, she was always one to make decisions on a whim, she craved spontaneity, she loved doing whatever without putting much thought. But new Amelia was smiley, new Amelia was shiney and helplessly had it so bad with Arizona. That she even agreed to take those three days thoroughly planning how their date was going to go about as if it was a goddamn surgery.
To be fair, she had been there before 8 — technically she was able to keep her promise. But Amelia had also been in her car, at the parking lot across the street where the restaurant was. She couldn't seem to move let alone breathe. She anxiously clawed her hand across her hair, knuckles gripping harder around the steering wheel with each passing minute she was choosing to stay inside her car than get to where Arizona was.
She picked her phone up from the passenger seat.
Six missed calls and too many messages to the point that she already lost count.
She couldn't bring herself to read them.
She knew Arizona was already mad. Beyond that, maybe she already had her worrying about her whereabouts and Amelia wouldn't be able to forgive herself if that was the case.
It was unfair for her to be this way, to shut her out without ever telling Arizona.
Their relationship shouldn't start with a lie, but here was Amelia making all the wrong moves with more secrecy and betrayal. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she found herself laughing at the same time because it looked as if she just had her first break-up from a relationship that hasn't even begun yet. Great.
Fuck Andi.
But also she was grateful for Andi, because if it weren't for her, then she wouldn't be able to realize she was the root cause of the problem.
It was not just about not having to remember those three nights.
It was Amelia.
She was the problem.
She managed to hurt Arizona. She said things that shouldn't have been said. Under the influence of alcohol and no matter how she was hardly sober at that time, it all was unjustifiable and inexcusable. Hell, she probably said other more hurtful things.
It annoyed the fuck out of her that Arizona was too nice, to simply leave the details that mattered on those nights. But she knew what her intentions were. Knew that she didn't want Amelia to end up blaming herself, but she should've though. She should take accountability for what happened.
Arizona didn't deserve this. The blonde has already been through so much. It had barely been a year since Callie and Sofia left for New York. Barely a year since the custody battle. Amelia was sure that even if Arizona looked completely fine, the wounds were still there - memories still rather fresh with everything that happened to her. This was the last thing that she should even be worrying about.
She could not afford to be another burden. To cause more trauma toward Arizona. It made Amelia flinch because she definitely should have considered all these things above anything else before she dove straight into Arizona.
But just fuck. Was it too early to admit it now?
Was it valid to say that the only reason why she jumped straight in without thinking was that she had been in love with Arizona for as long as she could remember?
Arizona probably may have already been in love with her, before she even knew how to make sense of what she felt about her.
Maybe she lacked the pivotal part of having to say it upfront to Arizona. But she knew for a fact that the only reason why her chest pricked in moments Arizona was with Mich then was because she wanted Arizona to be loving her instead. She stopped caring, she knew she did - but it all came back when they had to work closely together for Herman.
And the feelings have not left since Herman.
Her eyes were practically swollen now, and her body wouldn't stop trembling too hard because she had been crying for the past hour. The least she could do is to show up. Tell Arizona the truth.
In freaking sweats. In a messy bun. With smeared make-up. Entering a five-star restaurant. She couldn't care less if people saw her in this state. The only thing that mattered to her was Arizona.
-x-
They named her Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres
So she heard from Addison.
Callie was safe. So was the baby.
Addison briefly shared with Amelia over the phone that Callie's girlfriend stepped up as she was the one who got Sofia's heart beating. It sounded so beautiful. It made her emotional.
It brought a certain unexplainable relief in Amelia to know that they got back together. Amelia also took pride as she was listening to Addison talk about how unbelievably good of a peds surgeon Arizona was. Of course, she knew that.
"She said she was from Hopkins. So I'm a hundred percent sure that you know her." Addison's voice trailed off. Amelia's heart started beating too damn fast because what else was she going to say other than the fact that she now knew her relationship with Arizona? She probably had connected all the dots at this point. "She's very pretty too. Exceptional surgeon. Are you sure you're not related?"
Amelia chuckled at that, gripping her phone tightly on her ear in fear of losing Addison on the line. "Me and her?" She asked incredulously,
"Yes. Through sex? Did you two sleep together back in Hopkins?"
Amelia groaned. What was it with Mark and Addison and why do they always ask about sex? Not that she was some kind of conservative nobody but she found it amusing that they both assumed they banged before when she and Arizona were barely anything then.
I wish.
"No, Addie. She dated my roommate." Amelia thought it'd be better to keep things simple other than saying how she wished they sort of screwed around, maybe kissed then. But Arizona had been off-limits.
She has always been off-limits, Amelia realized it just now as Addison also told her that Arizona had proposed to Callie before the crash.
And Callie had just woken up a few hours ago.
Addison said the first thing that Callie said when she woke up was to give Arizona a yes.
They were getting married.
Amelia couldn't have been happier to know that Arizona finally found her happy ending. That everything worked out for her eventually. She wished to have that someday too. If she gets her shit together, she may be lucky to have that too with someone soon. She hoped.
"Such a shame you guys didn't have sex."
"Addie—"
"Because if I were gay, I would have."
Gee thanks, Addie.
-x-
Arizona looked absolutely beautiful. From afar, it all had been evident that she was stressed, at loss, probably already this close to losing her damn mind because Amelia was nowhere to be found.
Despite that, she still looked beautiful, in her navy blue blazer that accentuated her eyes, paired with a white cotton-button front shirt tucked neatly under her trousers. Her hair was styled in a way that Amelia secretly liked, tresses of blonde cascading from her shoulders. She loved it when it was loose and free, Amelia loved having the means of running her hand across her hair.
Each step towards her was excruciating once again. But it was now or never. Arizona deserved her presence, to say the least.
"Arizona." She weakly called for her name and the blonde instantly whipped her head around, a wave of relief painted across her face. Amelia also did not fail to notice how the blonde looked this close to tearing up. But Arizona was quick enough to wipe a hand across her face, fixing herself up.
"Amelia, thank god." She sighed, hastily getting up from where she sat to get to her. "I was so worried. Y-you weren't returning my calls and I thought maybe you got pulled in for surgery..." She cleared her throat, taking notice of what she was wearing and how it all had been evident that she had been crying for the past hour. "What's wrong —"
"Can we talk outside?" She tried to dampen the desperation from her tone as she asked it. Amelia tore her gaze away, shifting uncomfortably as she also realized a bunch of people beside their table was now staring at her. She was aware that Arizona couldn't care less and that her only priority was knowing if she was alright. Arizona shouldn't be this easy. Too selfless.
She shouldn't be wearing her heart on her sleeve because it will eventually wreck her. And that was exactly what Arizona was doing now.
There was still a frown etched on her features, but she eventually gave in with a solemn nod as they both made their way outside the restaurant and back to an empty space beside the spot where she parked her car.
She bit her lip hard until it bled. The anxiety once again kicked into her system and the silence between them had been too uncomfortable to bear it made her heartache. This wasn't how she wanted the night to happen for them.
Amelia turned her head around, until their eyes met, staring her down with so much intent. "What are we doing?"
Arizona crossed her arms firmly against her chest, unsure of how to respond, the smile on her face slightly turning into an agitated frown. "I-I don't understand..." Deep lines formed on her forehead, tilting her head with perplexity. Arizona still somehow forced another smile on her face at the same time, looking somewhat in denial that Amelia asked just that. "I'm taking you out. I mean I asked you out because I… you said it yourself, we've sat this out for years and did nothing — and we're here now doing what we finally wanted—" Arizona replied in all honesty.
Which was the truth.
But things have changed.
It took one moment to change that.
"That gave me nothing." Amelia simply said, only because she was feeling stubborn.
Arizona gawked at that, shaking her head. " Amelia , you can't actually be serious right now." The sternness of her voice was evident now, and Amelia knew she was now setting herself up for a fight that Arizona never asked for.
And she found that so unfair for Arizona, but her mouth just wouldn't shut up."I just… think I don't want this anymore."
The blonde blinked forcibly, and with a shaky breath, she reached out to pull gently at her wrist to assure her. "Oh, oh okay. Then we'll reschedule…for some other time when you're not—"
"I meant with you ."
Amelia lets out a breath she had been holding, pulling back her wrist as she tucked her hand deep inside her pocket instead.
Arizona squeezed her eyes momentarily, trying to make sense of what she actually heard. But looked back once again to meet her gaze, and Amelia wished she hadn't done that instead as she saw the blonde now on the verge of crying too. Fuck. "We both agreed we were in this together, a-and suddenly you don't? "
"Why do you find that hard to believe?" Amelia internally flinched because she believed it was a dumb question to ask. She wanted Arizona, more than anything. She was one of the only people who mattered to her. She hadn't been jealous of Mich for nothing.
Arizona found herself frowning at that, her features remaining stoic as she stated the obvious. "Because you said you wanted me — since freaking Hopkins." She pressed her lips together, trying to refrain from quivering and Amelia wished it didn't happen this way for them. Arizona lets out a breath, baring more truth. "And I have longed for you just as much… I know I haven't been practically vocal about it before but when it came down to you, I was always sure."
Amelia came unprepared for Arizona's response and decided she no longer had the guts to look her directly in her eyes. She paced around, hoping her gaze could find comfort somewhere else but Arizona's.
"When it came down to you, I was always sure." Amelia couldn't absolutely find the right words to top that. Not when she felt the same way. But just fuck - she was left with no choice but to ruin them all the more. Wasn't that what she was always good at?
This time she felt she was making the right choice. Saving Arizona. Sparing her from the possibility that Amelia could one day break her.
"You're not scared that I may eventually fuck us up? Because you should be." She asked indignantly and Arizona had been quick enough to bite back with her own response, pointing a finger at her, desperately trying to reason with her.
"No. What I'm scared of is that you're willing to let this go when we haven't even given ourselves a try." Her brows furrowed, hands digging deeper on both of her hips. It made Amelia's jaw clench thinking how capable she was of losing her any moment now.
A slight wince contorted her features, because as expected - Arizona will never get it. Most of the time she never gets herself, too. "I'm sparing you from something that you will regret one day."
Arizona pulled back, coming off startled and wide-eyed. "Shouldn't that be my line?" She surged forward, and Amelia swore she felt her heart rate increase as Arizona's expression remained stern. "I used to be so goddamn scared of you. I-I couldn't breathe - I was scared shitless that I'd be culpable of breaking your heart. That's why I've always kept my distance…" Her voice trailed off, softening to a certain extent. Arizona reached further to cradle the side of her face, and Amelia instinctively had her eyes fluttered open. "But the way I feel about you triumphs over my fear – I thought I had already made myself clear then that I want you… no one else."
Amelia's stomach coiled, the guilt gnawing inside her. If things had been different, she would have thoroughly taken the time to relish what Arizona's words meant. Her heart swelled as she quickly wiped a stray tear from her eye.
She was in love with Arizona.
How could she not?
She was living proof that there was more to life than this.
But Amelia was exhausted, and she needed to let this all out and cry. She was barely holding it together now - she needed to end this now before she would lead Arizona on for nothing . She thought about Arizona and how much she wanted her, and thought about Andi - but also beyond that, she thought about her history, misgivings, previously failed relationships, and just no . She realized maybe she could never really let Arizona in no matter how desperately in love she was with her.
Of course, it was another truth that she could never bring herself to let out.
She felt an impending self-destruction about to take place, and it was going to ruin Arizona but in Amelia's heart, she was solely doing it for the better.
"You say it was your line… being scared of giving us a try—" Amelia slipped out of her grasp, crossing her arms against her chest instead as she narrowed her eyes. "Who gave you that idea? Was it me?"
"Why would you think that?"
Andi. Those three nights – you left out some details of what happened in those three nights. Especially at the part where I broke you and you managed to dismiss it. Because you're too kind and forgiving, but also reckless. Because Amelia knew from experience that if she was given a pass if they would always let her for who she was - it would just eventually turn into a habit, and one day would just bring more damage than good.
"I don't know, Arizona. You tell me." She summoned her, blood running cold. "What haven't you shared with me about what happened when I was blackout drunk last year?"
Anger flashed in Arizona's eyes, placing her palms on both sides of her face in dismay. "Oh, my god. Haven't I already told you everything that you needed to know?!" She stammered.
"You are such a fucking liar, do you know that?" Amelia's chest began to ache, her body tensed - she didn't mean to be too much but this was the only way she could get Arizona to stop.
Arizona drew a shaky breath, masking the hurt that flashed across her face. "Why are you suddenly bringing that up for no reason?" Arizona asked. She failed miserably to conceal her grimace when Amelia called her out.
Because of Andi.
I finally knew the truth which you never shared with me.
"Well fuck - besides you being a liar, what else are you?!" Amelia obliged to dodge the question - because she already made a promise to herself earlier that she will not bring Andi up. She figured the truth should always come from Arizona. She opened her mouth, then closed - resisted if she should even go on any further because it was evident that the blonde could hardly recover from the sudden shift in her behavior. This was unlike her to wreak havoc just because Arizona simply wouldn't let go. "God, Arizona. You can be so dense sometimes, too." She walked swiftly past her, squeezing her eyes momentarily, as she marveled at the last ounce of strength to say more things that were untrue. "Is that the same reason why Callie gave up on you?! With Mich, I knew it was different - you just decided to ditch her the moment things got difficult. Will you be doing the same to me? To us?"
She expected a slap on her face.
Maybe two.
Amelia deserved it.
But nothing came.
She wanted to apologize. She wanted to tell her she didn't mean it. That she was only doing it because she had no choice. But she did it only because she was being goddamn stubborn. She wanted to tell her she was in love with Arizona - which was also the same reason why she was doing all this—
Being so damn self-destructive because she wasn't called Hurricane Amelia for no reason.
The prolonged silence was thick and suffocating and the only thing that she could hear now was how Arizona's chest heaved from her last remark. How her whole body was almost this close to giving up as she jerked away, steely blue eyes blinking forcibly at her in disdain, then dropped her head low - fixing her gaze back down to the pavement. Amelia could do nothing but stand still, as she felt pain radiating through her entire system.
"Will you stop doing that?!" The blonde finally cried out in despair. Amelia's heart sank low in her chest, her body slightly shaking with regret. "I know what you're trying to do..." Her shoulders fell forward, as she perked her head up once again - tears now pooling in her eyes. "If you don't want any of this anymore, you could have easily said so."
Arizona wiped her tears with the back of her arm, not a trace of emotion now remained on her face. Amelia wished she could hug her, but she didn't deserve her solace - not when she was the one who got Arizona in this state in the first place. Arizona swallowed the sob building in her throat, as she walked past Amelia, probably away from her for good, and honestly, Amelia would never take that against her... "You don't have to be this fucking cruel just so you want out."
Was it worth it?
Putting Arizona through hell, was it all worth it?
That was the last time she and Arizona talked.
-x-
Not until today.
Barely twelve weeks in.
Amelia would walk through the halls of Grey Sloan as if she was dragging her feet to hell. She wasn't kidding when she said that moment in the restaurant was the last time she and Arizona talked. Of course, in instances under shared consults, they had to be civil with one another. But anything beyond work-related discussions has long been crossed out by the blonde. Besides, it was already an unsaid expectation between the both of them to keep it that way.
Surely, that didn't make things easier for Amelia.
She was allowed to miss her, to say the least. She was allowed to crave for her presence, let alone silently plead for Arizona to at least look at her. Because all she ever did in the past eleven weeks was to avert her gaze away to someplace else. But Amelia knew she had no right to demand things from her — she made a choice to ruin what could've been the best for them.
"Ugh." Amelia groaned, combing her fingers across her hair in frustration. "Am I allowed to at least say that I miss her?" She asked, turning her direction towards Maggie who was standing beside the control panel of the elevator, a faint scoff coming from the cardiothoracic surgeon, who was also occupied as she scanned through her phone for work emails.
"No!" Maggie stated the obvious, locking her eyes with her knowingly. "For the record, you wouldn't be here stuck moping about Arizona if you just —"
"I made the right decision." Amelia cuts her off, her response coming off too defensive. She was still sticking to a stance that she had no regrets about the choice she made - that still could never stop her from missing the blonde though. That was the point she was trying to say. But they both already reached the floor where Maggie was headed, and before she stepped out, she felt a hand being placed on her shoulder for comfort. With Maggie transfixing her gaze up to look at Amelia apologetically, "I know and I respect that. But you shouldn't be punishing yourself for things that you- yourself know you deserve."
Amelia took a deep sigh at that. Words failed her because she knew Maggie was right, but now wasn't exactly the right time to dwell on that.
As Maggie got out, Amelia felt as though her heart leaped off her chest as they were both met by Arizona, coming in straight from radiology. The corner of her lips twitched into a smile, as she greeted Maggie, and Amelia wished Maggie hadn't gotten out. At the same time though, she was kind of glad that she did, as Maggie was also giving her an oblivious smirk right before the elevator doors closed.
There was absolutely no way she could spend the next minute being stuck with the blonde, and it was evident that Arizona was thinking the same as the grip she had with the tablet against her chest tightened. Arizona had her gaze locked on the floor and Amelia stood still at the corner, not knowing where to place her hands as she decided to stuff them both into the pockets of her lab coat.
"Arizona—-"
The blonde cleared her throat and nodded her head in her direction without looking. "Good morning, Dr. Shepherd."
Amelia badly wanted to snort at the sudden formality.
Just fuck the formality.
She wanted to tell Arizona that it was valid to yell at her, to get mad with her — anything. Just to get a reaction out of her. She missed her like crazy. She missed those times she was simply meeting her up for a kiss, she missed Arizona's warmth when she would come up to hug her from behind. She missed talking to Arizona. She missed her scent and being able to run her hand across her hair.
Amelia wanted to tell her she was sorry, and that everything will work out on its own — because losing her was for the better . But she couldn't. She knew she fucked up probably the one good thing that she got.
The past eleven weeks without her had been hell. Selfishly, she wanted to ask Arizona if she could wait for her - until she reached a time she'd be deserving of her love. But that was too much. She couldn't expect her to wait. She couldn't expect Arizona to be with someone who was still unsure.
But boy she missed her though, and Amelia was trying to find the best way to downplay the feeling that she had and yet she still came out with nothing. All feelings aside, that didn't stop her from abruptly opening her pathetic mouth, "I know I have no right saying this, but I- I miss you…" she pressed her lips together, upset that she couldn't help herself - but Arizona deserved to know that. Even if she pushed her away, even if she had been cruel to her, she was still the same person who wanted her. "I miss you." She repeated, despite having already lost the claim on her now.
Amelia padded her way a step closer to the blonde until she was practically now standing beside her. The silence started to become more unbearable as Arizona still wouldn't look at her.
She knew she heard her, loud and clear though, as she saw how Arizona shuddered. And Amelia had been patient enough to wait for how she would respond.
She wished she hadn't. As she heard how the blonde lets out a breath, a deep one, briefly looking up to finally meet eyes with Amelia. The bright blues were now long gone and had been replaced with a shade of blue that was slightly darker, filled with anguish and defeat. As if looks wouldn't hurt, Arizona then began to speak. "Well technically, you never had me..." She bit her lip, her voice coming off so sharp and jagged. She was angry. Arizona resigned, eyes flicked back at the control panel to hit the floor button where she was headed, the tension now suffocating them both because that shit hurt a lot. But it was all valid.
Amelia wanted to tell her she was sorry, but she couldn't. Because Arizona was once again opening up her mouth to say something. "You never had me. At least, not anymore."
Amelia stood motionless, solemnly nodding at that. Figured it was best to accept the words as how they were because it was technically the truth. She owed it to Arizona to at least shut up for once. After all, she only wanted a reaction out of Arizona, and she had given her just that. It was unnecessary to bite back a response to that when she caused this. She made this happen to them.
It was taking too long for the elevator to get to Arizona's floor and that got the blonde even more frustrated. A raged sigh came off too strong from the surgeon, as she once again leaned forward to repeatedly slam her fist on the button again. The movement caused her to lose the tablet she was holding against her chest, and Amelia didn't have to look carefully to notice a huge hickey sitting on the edge of her collarbone just barely an inch near the V-line of her scrub top.
Amelia expected a lot of things, but this one was definitely not it.
Knowing Arizona was with someone else… again .
Before she could even process what she saw, the elevator finally landed at the NICU, with Arizona hastily stepping out in relief. Not another word, nor look towards her had been shared, with Amelia being left behind once again back inside the elevator. Alone. As she deserved.
So again, she was going to ask herself -
Was it worth it?
Putting Arizona through hell, was it all worth it?
Amelia knew she lost her, and she believed she can never get her back this time around.
-x-