"You never had me. At least, not anymore."
Amelia stood motionless, solemnly nodding at that. Figured it was best to accept the words as how they were because it was technically the truth. She owed it to Arizona to at least shut up for once. After all, she only wanted a reaction out of Arizona, and she had given her just that. It was unnecessary to bite back a response to that when she caused this. She made this happen to them.
It was taking too long for the elevator to get to Arizona's floor and that got the blonde even more frustrated. A raged sigh came off too strong from the surgeon, as she once again leaned forward to repeatedly slam her fist on the button again. The movement caused her to lose the tablet she was holding against her chest, and Amelia didn't have to look carefully to notice a huge hickey sitting on the edge of her collarbone just barely an inch near the V-line of her scrub top.
Amelia expected a lot of things, but this one was definitely not it.
Knowing Arizona was with someone else… again.
Before she could even process what she saw, the elevator finally landed at the NICU, with Arizona hastily stepping out in relief. Not another word, nor look towards her had been shared, with Amelia being left behind once again back inside the elevator. Alone. As she deserved.
So again, she was going to ask herself —-
Was it worth it?
Putting Arizona through hell, was it all worth it?
-x-
Amelia could hardly move on.
Arizona's words, as painful as they were - were still somewhat acceptable for what she did. But seeing another woman mark Arizona once again from her very own eyes was completely different.
So that explained why Arizona was holding her tablet tight against her chest. And also the reason why she was so persistent in stepping out of the elevator.
Amelia wished she didn't have to see that.
She wished she could just swallow her pride, and tell herself that she deserved it because she was the one who let Arizona go. They wouldn't be here if she hadn't ruined them in the first place.
It was like she was putting herself in a similar situation back when Arizona was still with Mich. When she had to endure a whole night of hearing them having sex just across the hall.
When she offered to help Arizona to make breakfast the morning after that and saw how Mich left a mark on the swell of Arizona's breast, slipping right through the robe that she was wearing.
It wasn't as painful then compared to now.
Because then, they were nothing to each other.
She had every chance to make it up to Arizona now, and she fucked that up. She had Arizona right where she wanted a couple of months back, but she sabotaged herself from her own happiness.
And now she was paying the price for that.
Amelia had no idea why she found herself once again back in the attendings' lounge.
A big part of her was hoping she could catch Arizona, maybe ask her who she was seeing now. Then again what for? She hasn't earned the right to ask her, let alone talk to her.
Amelia knew that, yet here she was, her ass seated back on the couch where she and Arizona used to make out a few weeks back. The tip of her finger wedged in between her lips, using her free hand to move restlessly against the arm of the couch.
After a couple of minutes of waiting for nothing, the door finally opened — with Maggie who seemed as if she had just gotten out of surgery.
It was a sense of relief seeing her, Amelia felt as if she could cry the moment she saw Maggie.
Maggie instantly displayed a look of concern, as if she had already gotten a read on Amelia when she took a seat beside her.
"Arizona's seeing someone." She began to say without locking her eyes with Maggie, just because Amelia knew how she would react. And the last thing that Amelia wanted was to have someone looking at her as if she was a thrown puppy.
"I'm sorry—"
"No, it's alright." Amelia shook her off, finally looking back at Maggie. Faint tears now pooled in her eyes because she just had this realization that she may already have lost Arizona forever for what she did. "I asked for this."
"Doesn't mean you deserve it." Maggie reasoned, and Amelia couldn't think of a response to that. She was already tired of convincing herself she made the right choice because it wasn't. "Do you know who she is?" She added
Right.
It was the million-dollar question.
Amelia had to laugh at herself that she missed asking herself that.
Annoyance surged through her as she then remembered — "I don't know. Fucking Andi, probably." She muttered.
Right. It was most likely her because why else did she go to great lengths to confront Amelia at the observation gallery months back? If all she knew, she was setting Amelia up just so she could have Arizona, and she fell for it.
Before she could even express her frustrations to Andi further, Maggie shook her head in disapproval, placing a hand on her thigh. "It's not Andi. I heard at the nurses' station that she's seeing Dan from oncology." She shrugged, giving Amelia the assurance in the most casual, laid-back tone ever as if it had been a piece of information that had already been known by everyone.
Apparently everyone but her.
Amelia eyed her in bewilderment, somehow amused that she heard it from Maggie first when she knew they were never the type to depend on gossip around the hospital (Well, maybe not too much).
Still, it was a fucking relief to know that Andi was off the list that she should be worried about. "That I didn't know, but thank you." She found her lips curling into a smile, "Never pegged you as someone who would be the first one in on the latest gossip—"
Maggie laughed, a dismissive hand being waved across the air. "Oh please. That's pretty much the talk last week." The cardiothoracic surgeon leaned in, propping her elbow onto her lap. "Want to know the latest update? This time it's about the consultant Chief Bailey hired."
-x-
Adding to the list she wanted to square right on the face now was freaking Eliza Minnick. Eliza was incomparably different from Andi. Andi was annoying but tolerable. But man, Eliza was something else.
She was too overconfident. Always carrying a particularly smug look on her face that Amelia wanted to personally wipe off her face. As if taking Richard's job wasn't enough, here was Amelia, caught in the middle of a heated argument with Eliza right in front of the surgical board.
"What part of a simple word as 'no' couldn't you understand, Dr. Minnick?" She crossed her arms firmly against her chest, trying to dampen the sternness of her voice because the last thing Amelia wanted to happen was to also be included in the latest gossip at the nurses' station. More importantly, to have the Chief hear about this stupid argument with Minnick because Bailey had already suspended Meredith over this yesterday.
Eliza looked taken aback, as she tilted her head in denial or only to just annoy Amelia even more, "No, what?"
Amelia clenched her jaw, faking a smile. "No. You are not welcome in my OR." She said indignantly.
Eliza narrowed her eyes, taking a step towards her as Amelia stood unfazed. "The last time I checked, this is a teaching hospital. It's our responsibility as attendings to provide the best opportunities for our residents to learn—"
"And we are doing just that, Dr. Minnick." Her eyebrow creased in frustration, beyond exhausted from trying to prove a point to someone who obviously had difficulty in terms of comprehension. "Just not the way you do it."
Eliza scoffed, gritting her teeth. Amelia found it incredibly satisfying to see how it was apparent that she was already getting on her nerves. "So how exactly would I know how you all do it if you shut me out from all your surgeries—"
"You can observe on mine, Dr. Minnick." The blonde cleared her throat from her behind, breaking the tension between her and Eliza. Amelia's eyes softened, but quickly turned into confusion because what was Arizona doing exactly?
The first interaction after their incident at the elevator would be this way? Was she trying to get back at her for what she did? Because there was fucking no way Amelia would allow this to happen.
This wasn't part of the plan. She hadn't exactly been present these past few days, but she knew this wasn't what Jackson had instructed them to do. They both turned their head towards Arizona, and before she could even bite back a response, Eliza had already given a firm nod and quick thanks to Arizona and left, leaving her and the blonde alone.
Amelia found herself in complete shock because Arizona had just gotten Eliza off too damn easy, and she absolutely felt sick and betrayed that Arizona gave her the winning hand.
Before she could even try to meet her gaze with Arizona, the blonde had already stormed out, and made a beeline towards the stairwell — of course, Amelia would also not allow her to leave just like that.
If Arizona was just doing this to get back at what she did, then Amelia assumed it was only valid to call her out. She knew that she was purely at fault for their fallout, but she shouldn't have forced herself to get in between her and Eliza to get them to stop. Amelia never asked for Arizona's help in the first place, and beyond that, it made Amelia pissed that the odds turned in Eliza's favor. Just fucking great.
"Arizona." She called out sternly, and that got the blonde to stop in her tracks, as Amelia caught up with her - cornering her from the bottom of the stairs. "Are we seriously not going to talk about what happened there?" She stammered.
Maybe she shouldn't have yelled at her too much. But also, maybe she was completely bothered by the fact that she once again saw the faint mark on Arizona's clavicle peeking right through her shirt. It irked her how she didn't bother to cover it up with her tablet just like last time.
Arizona raised her eyebrow, looking more offended than surprised as she stared at her deeply. " Oh. So that's what you want to talk about?" She asked with a sarcasm laced in her tone, as she enveloped her arms across her chest, shaking her head in disbelief. "Not about whatever happened to us? "
Us.
There was a time it had been her and Arizona.
And it killed her to say that they were no longer in existence.
They both knew they were done at that restaurant. It was already an unsaid agreement between them. But Amelia was also completely wrong for not giving her a clear explanation or apology for ending the night and their relationship, that way when she had weeks to make it up for Arizona.
Amelia felt like it was already too late to do all that. Arizona was already beyond mad, and she couldn't be blamed.
Amelia often wished there was a way she could swallow her damn pride, as she instead chose to dodge the blonde's question.
"What else is there to talk about, Arizona?" She tilted her head, almost as if she was mocking her. Her voice was low and rough now as she eyed her hickey, and back up to meet her gaze. Amelia couldn't seem to care now if it looked as if she was jealous, because fuck she so damn was - and she was still exasperated how it had been days and she still has no idea who Arizona's mystery woman was. " Clearly, you have already moved on."
Amelia wished she hadn't been too forward because the way Arizona was looking at her now made her heartache. Arizona caught herself looking down at her chest as well, and looked up - eyes now glimmering with what seemed like tears that refused to fall. "You don't care at all. Don't you?" She laughed bitterly, "What I went through – these past few weeks? Of me going out of my head thinking I must have done something wrong for you to not want me anymore..." The blonde muttered fiercely as Amelia swallowed the sob building in her throat.
She wanted to tell Arizona that she did nothing wrong.
Amelia wished she had been clear as to why she pushed her away.
This was the last thing she wanted Arizona to think - and now, Amelia felt helpless. Her heart sank low in her chest, as she pondered for a moment if saying sorry would even be enough. What was the point? Amelia knew she already failed her. Time and time again, the only thing that had been constant in their relationship was how she put Arizona through so much pain.
Amelia's eyes softened, shaking her head. "Arizona, that's not…" She licked her lips, easing her heart to a steady pace as her brows knit tightly together. "You didn't do anything wrong." It was me.
God, I'm still in love with you.
I'm so in love with you.
Which was why I did it.
Amelia wanted to tell her that.
She wished it could've been this easy for them. She wished she wasn't this difficult to be dealt with.
But no words could ever save them now. Amelia looked down once again at the mark on Arizona's chest, thinking maybe this was how it should be. To convince herself that Arizona was finally better off with someone else.
Amelia took a step closer towards the blonde, holding her gently by the wrist, but Arizona had been quick enough to slip out of her grasp.
"Just leave me alone, Amelia." She finally said. She flicked her wrist as she pried Amelia's hand away, walking away for good.
-x-
The next time she saw Arizona was four years later, when she was newly divorced, taking a fellowship under Dr. Nicole Herman, and had lost a leg in a plane crash.
She received an envelope containing some scans addressed to her, ordered by someone named Dr. Robbins. Scans of a particular person named Nicole Herman, which she also knew was a friend of Addison's and the head of Fetal Surgery at Grey Sloan.
Amelia didn't know why Arizona placed it under her name. She hasn't opened it yet, let alone actually talked to the blonde since she moved to Seattle for good. It was not like she was intentionally avoiding her.
Amelia had been busy, had a lot going on around her - with Derek, clearing her name after everyone now knew about her past, reclaiming her position as head of neuro, so no - she hadn't had the time to talk to Arizona. She had to remind herself that they weren't friends, if all she knew Arizona had probably forgotten about her since she left Hopkins.
But the envelope was now sitting on her lap, waiting to be opened. She knew she had to give this Arizona, and eventually talk to her at some point - maybe also ask her why she addressed it to her. Maybe it had been lost in her mail, but her full name was written in big bold letters on the envelope, which somehow gave her a tiny ounce of relief knowing that Arizona at least remembered her name.
Just as she was about to open it, she heard the blonde's chirpy voice from behind, looking for what seemed like the same mail she was holding right in her hands.
Fuck.
She was here.
She came unprepared. Amelia didn't know exactly what to say. It was all too late to leave now, not when Arizona was literally blocking the same way out.
She muttered a curse under her breath, turned her head around, and made her way to where the blonde stood. "Looking for these?" Amelia asked.
Arizona whipped her head up, her expression softening as she met Amelia's gaze.
And just wow - fuck.
Arizona was gorgeous. Like she hadn't aged at all. And the cute little expression she did was doing something in her stomach, Amelia had to fully take a breath to ease her heart to a steady pace.
"Dr. Shepherd." She greeted her, the corner of her lips curling to form the most amazing smile Amelia has ever seen. Amelia then had gotten a sight of her dimples, and god, she almost forgot she had them. It had been years, fuck, she couldn't move on seeing how beautiful Arizona looked, up close. She hadn't changed at all. Which she found quite unfair. "Good to see you."
Her heart pricked right after she called for her name. Amelia had to square her shoulders to downplay her reaction. Just as she was about to greet her back, Arizona was already taking a few steps right in front of her, getting the damn envelope from her hands.
Oh no.
Amelia decided she was simply not going to let this go.
She had questions.
"Is this our Nicole Herman?" She asked.
Arizona stopped dead in her tracks, turning her head around once again, looking visibly startled.
She knew she had to ask.
Arizona was not giving her anything.
"What's going on?"
-x-
It was the most beautiful yet intricate thing she has ever seen.
Well, of course, it was life-threatening and insane but she was also glad that Arizona sent this to her. If she had a chance to save a life, then she could damn well try. It looked as if it was a hopeless case from any neurosurgeon's perspective, and Amelia gets it — it was the same thing that Herman shared with Arizona. But they lacked a little push, a little creativity.
There was something fascinating about this case. And now that Arizona tapped into her, and welcomed her into this impossible situation, Amelia feared in the best way that she wouldn't be able to stop. She hoped that Arizona wouldn't be able to catch her excitement as she tried to explain why Herman's case was still a thing of beauty in her eyes.
"That is a thing of beauty." She repeated aloud. Amelia personally wanted to wipe the huge grin she knew she has on her face now, but it all seemed too late as she caught Arizona looking at her longer than expected. Probably weirded out by how she sounded so gleeful talking about something as depressing as a tumor from a dying person. Arizona was still staring at her deeply, and Amelia cleared her throat, readjusting her sitting position, and prepared herself mentally for what Arizona was about to say.
Amelia lets out a groan, covering her hand in wee embarrassment, "Ugh. I know… it's bad —"
"You still have it." Arizona finally spoke with a sly shrug, which also confused Amelia at the same time.
She tilted her head as her features scrunched up. "Have what?"
Arizona smirked, briefly biting her lip. She leaned forward as she softly bumped her shoulder into Amelia's playfully. Amelia blinked forcibly, most probably still in denial about how that just happened.
Their first close contact in what seemed like years of being apart.
"That." She eyed the scan and back to meet Amelia's eyes. "That thing you do… That glimmer in your eyes when you talk about surgery." Arizona casually pointed out followed by a soft chuckle on her lips.
Amelia could hardly breathe.
She didn't even know she had that thing. She didn't even know Arizona could be that observant. Hell, Amelia wanted to linger around that thought, but she had to remind herself that Arizona was just being nice. Like how she always has been.
"Well, I —" She paused, anxiety overwhelming her system now and it baffled her how she couldn't take a compliment now.
"You haven't changed a bit, Shepherd," Arizona remarked, the dimpled smile never leaving her face. Amelia caught herself staring too hard at the blonde's mouth, then looked away. Honestly, Amelia had no fucking clue how to deal with that. She couldn't be blamed when her emotions are running a little high right now.
She had to remind herself that this used to be Mich's ex.
The same person who dumped Mich and never looked back.
The thought made her frustrated once again, and maybe she could just say something bitchy in response - but then she'd feel bad because again, Arizona was just being nice. And also, because of the fact that her mentor was actually dying.
Also, another question ruminating in her head was — why her?
Arizona could have easily picked Derek, without a doubt. They had gotten closer throughout the years, and she was well aware of Derek's expertise. So just why did she bother sending this to Amelia and not to her brother?
She was pulled out of her thoughts when Arizona quickly explained to her that she just received a page from Herman and that she needed to leave. Something about keeping the secret to herself in the meantime and all that other stuff she wasn't able to hear clearly.
Before she could even make sense of what was happening, Arizona was already standing up and about to leave. And she thought maybe Herman could wait just a bit - because god, Amelia just had this urge to know.
"Why me? She asked, standing up from where she sat, with Arizona turning her head back to her direction once again. "I mean — you could have gotten Derek to take a look at these." She responded, adding more clarity.
Arizona's lips quirked up into a smile once again, as she stuffed her hands in both pockets, squaring her shoulders. "Well, I want you."
She cleared her throat nervously, shaking her head as her lips had now been sent into a firm line. Maybe finally realizing how wrong she sounded. "I mean — he was not my first choice… you are, Amelia." Arizona reasoned, catching Amelia wide-eyed in response.
"Oh." Her mouth hung open in a small circle, swallowing the scream that almost died in her throat. Amelia wanted to laugh at herself, because just what was she expecting Arizona to say? Amelia found herself nodding, and before she could add something else to dampen the awkwardness, Arizona had already given her one last smile and left.
It had been years.
That silly thing she developed with Arizona back in Hopkins was a page she has already closed and sealed and buried in the bottom pit of a fucking ocean.
Surely, those stupid feelings she had with the blonde would no longer resurface.
As Amelia kept reminding herself, it had been years, and more importantly —
Well… she was already sort of in the midst of having feelings for someone else anyways.
-x-
"If looks could kill, Dr. Minnick would have already died by how you're looking at her now." Owen poked fun at her, and Amelia just rolled her eyes at the trauma surgeon while they both waited in line to get their coffees. She was obviously not in the mood for jokes, especially one that involved Eliza freaking Minnick, but it was like Owen never got the memo at all.
"I mean did you even see the amount of sugar she puts in her coffee?!" She exclaimed to Owen as they both made their way back inside the hospital, both satisfied with their own cups of hot beverage keeping them warm. "It should be considered illegal to have that much sugar in anyone's coffee." She pointed out. Amelia huffed, wishing she could take the words back. She didn't mean to be petty, she wasn't usually this petty. Eliza could simply breathe in the same space as she and Amelia would already be annoyed about it.
"Well, Robbins put so much more and I don't hear you complaining about it." Owen simply shrugged, and Amelia found herself even more pissed at the surgeon. But also, Owen has a good point.
He also should know, Arizona was different. She almost burned her tongue right after her first sip. Maybe because Owen brought her name up, and all she could remember was how she pushed her away in that restaurant when Arizona clearly made her point that she wanted her and no one else.
She shook her head hard, losing appetite for the fresh cup she just bought as she tossed it straight to a nearby bin. Owen seemed started by the abrupt action, as she looked down on Amelia with a frown on his face. "By the way, are you guys okay? You and Robbins used to be inseparable."
Fuck.
What was it with men, and why couldn't they read the damn room?
Damn it, Owen.
They were met by Arizona when the elevator finally landed on the floor where they were. Amelia had to close her eyes momentarily, thinking she couldn't be confined under the same space with Arizona again, and worse this time, with no other than fucking Owen who still seemed oblivious about the entire situation.
Arizona took a step back into the far end of the corner to give them space as both she and Owen stepped inside. She needed to look occupied, just so Owen would stop badgering her with more nonsense questions so she pulled out her phone, quickly texting Maggie to meet with her in the on-call room later.
She was glad Owen used her common sense for once, but when he turned his head to talk to Arizona instead, she knew she made the wrong decision. "Hey Robbins, how's it going?"
"Yea— just a bit tired." She heard the blonde reply.
Amelia reprimanded herself from trying to look back at the blonde. Arizona may still hate her guts so much right now but that could never make Amelia miss her any less. She used to be the one asking her how her day went. How did they have everything turn to nothing, now?
They couldn't even acknowledge each other for Christ's sake.
"Well if you're looking for coffee, I think Amelia's about to —" Owen swiftly pressed the floor where they literally had just been on, and Amelia internally wanted to facepalm herself in embarrassment. "Head down to get some."
Seriously?
That was the best he could come up with?
"Didn't you just —" Arizona's voice trailed off as they were interrupted by the sound of the elevator. "It's fine, Owen. Thanks." She then quickly said, as she stepped forward right beside Amelia, her shoulder accidentally bumping hers.
Something about the blonde flinching at the sudden contact just didn't sit right with Amelia. But it was not like she had a choice. Amelia just went along with it, as they both waited for the elevator doors to open only to reveal that they were all getting off on the same floor.
Arizona stepped out, briefly waving goodbye, without any eye contact, which then left her and Owen inside.
She stared daggers at the trauma surgeon, and Owen just looked right back at her still confused.
Owen raised both of his arms as if by surrender as he cocked his eyebrow. "What? I was just trying to be a good wingman." He reasoned.
Owen as her almost-ex now a self-proclaimed wingman for Amelia seemed laughable, but also adorable. Because it turned out he knew how to read the room — close enough.
Owen took her by surprise.
-x-
What also took her by surprise was how she was greeted by an almost naked Arizona in the fucking on-call room.
For the first time, Amelia genuinely had no idea how to react to the sight - knowing this was not meant for her. She was so used to having so much access to Arizona and now she felt like a creep. She ruined what could have been a special moment for Arizona, as Amelia knowingly also invaded her privacy.
To be fair it was the on-call room, anyone could come in anytime not unless they locked the freaking door and Arizona did everything but that.
Amelia knew it was rude to stare, but where else was she supposed to go? She just texted Maggie to meet her here. She just continued staring right back at Arizona with both eyes wide open, and the blonde just stood beside the corner of the desk beside the bunk bed, unfazed.
There was something about Arizona's confidence that made Amelia's fingers twitch. Something about how she stood, unashamed of her current state of undress turned her on. Whatever it was, she knew she had to stop. She felt disgusted with herself, as she reminded herself that this view of Arizona half-naked was not meant for her. The desk lamp behind Arizona allowed Amelia to have more access to the wide expanse of skin that Amelia had yet to explore back when they were still together.
It also revealed how the mark her woman left on her clavicle was bigger than Amelia thought it was, as it spread just another inch down on the swell of Arizona's breast. Amelia fought to emit a whimper. That should have been her.
Arizona lets out a deep breath, as she reached down to grab her scrub top from the top bunk, tossing it back on.
Arizona's woman was a doctor .
Or a nurse — or worse, a resident.
What if it was Leah again?
Nevertheless, her woman was from the hospital.
Of course, she was.
Arizona was already been in the midst of taking off her bra if Amelia hadn't interrupted. She was not in the on-call room for dress-up. The hospital wasn't as big as she assumed it'd be, they share the same dating pool — and Amelia felt absolutely terrified that she was this close to losing herself. She wanted to cry, get angry at Arizona, and proclaim how betrayed she felt.
But Arizona was never hers, to begin with. Not anymore.
She expected Arizona to ask for an apology that she had to see her this way. But no word came out. She wished she could be furious at how cold Arizona was treating her right now.
Just why couldn't Amelia make sense that this was all her fault? That Arizona has her own reasons now and there was nothing Amelia could do about it when she had already decided to put an end to them. She couldn't let her go no matter how hard she tried because Amelia was still in love with her.
So, yes. Amelia could stand there for hours - without feeling intimidated, staring at Arizona deeply. It was valid to be on the verge of tears for a relationship she almost had. She blinked hard, trying to remove the image that if she arrived a few minutes past the expected, she would have caught Arizona having sex with her woman right from where she stood.
Knowing now was absolutely terrifying, and she stopped all the questions she wanted to ask Arizona, yet she was still left with one. She couldn't help herself to ask, with eyes brimming with tears now. "Do you love her?"
It was the only question that mattered to her at this point. Amelia couldn't care anymore who this person was. She just wanted Arizona to be happy.
Arizona looked astounded at how direct Amelia had been. The blonde glanced at her uncertainly, running a hand across her hair. It only had been weeks, barely three months in. It could just be a casual hook-up, nothing less for all Amelia knew, but Arizona's response caught her off guard. "I don't know… I-I'm just — not there yet. " She spoke in all honesty, as she shrugged.
So it looked more serious than she thought it was. So she slightly admitted that somewhere down the road, love could be a possibility for her and this woman. But Arizona said she wasn't there yet, and she believed her. She found herself nodding at that, biting the inside of her cheek, as she took a step closer to her, prodding her thoughts further. Amelia failed to dial back her impulse. She just had to.
"Because you're still in love with me." Amelia openly said, not as a question but she let that thought out as if it was a fact. Arizona would never feel for anyone her entire life if she at least did not have feelings for her. She already admitted to wanting Amelia. That had to mean something. Amelia wanted to restrain the idea of being hopeful, but it was already too late to take the words back.
The words felt foreign in her mouth, it also just showed how much it was meant to be said aloud more. Amelia was already desperate for there to still be something.
Because that was exactly what she was feeling. In love with Arizona was not a question that needed to be answered.
Arizona inhaled sharply, letting out a shudder. There was a certain look of longing in her eyes, and that sight provided warmth in Amelia's chest.
Silence filled the room drawing even more tension to both of them.
She shouldn't have kept her hopes up too high when Arizona shook her head, voice practically breaking as she marveled at the strength to finally answer, "Don't be so full of yourself, Amelia."
Arizona's lips began to quiver and Amelia knew she overstepped, as she now provoked her to feel everything. "You had me thinking we were okay, that we could end that night together and within a snap of a finger, something just changed in you." Her body trembled in so much pain and resentment, as Arizona tried to restrain herself from raising her voice. "I waited for weeks, Amelia. I was in such fucking denial that that was it for us. Y-you were the first woman I've allowed myself to feel for again in years. "
Arizona's chest heaved deeply with every word, and of course, Amelia found her tears falling the same way as the blonde, feeling incredibly selfish to expect Arizona for more when she had been unfair. "But maybe you're right, Amelia. Maybe I'm fucking dense for expecting a different outcome from you. Maybe I could still be the same person who could hurt you, the same way I did with Mich and Callie—"
No. "Arizona that's not…" Amelia blinked back with tears now in her eyes, her voice couldn't find the strength to give Arizona the assurance that she didn't mean it. Arizona wouldn't have said anything if Amelia hadn't put this in her head.
Why couldn't she just say sorry? Why couldn't she find her reasons?
If she said the words would it still matter?
Amelia resigned, her gaze looking somewhere else in defeat. She felt sick to her stomach that she couldn't even fathom the last ounce of energy to tell Arizona exactly what she needed to hear. Amelia knew those were the same words she said to her outside that restaurant.
Andi also recalled it was the same thing she said to Arizona at the entrance of Joe's when she was blackout drunk. Amelia knew she set herself up for failure the minute she used it against Arizona, completely sober then at that restaurant to let the blonde think that she meant it.
And Arizona fell for it.
Now it all seemed too late. The damage has already been done. And for the first time in her life, Amelia felt like a coward who couldn't own up to her mistake.
Arizona must have taken Amelia's silence as her response, and she solemnly nodded her head at that, accepting the loss. With a sigh, the blonde licked her lips, as a small frown adorned her features. "For the longest time, I did." Her voice trailed off, clenching her jaw to keep her lips from quivering. Amelia hated seeing Arizona still holding herself back. "But now I just can't feel anything… for you, Amelia. I've already accepted that we were over that night we fought and I came home without you with me."
She walked past Amelia, and she wondered if that would just be the recurring pattern for them for the rest of her life. Of Amelia inflicting pain and Arizona just walking out every time she became unbearable.
They were both greeted by Maggie just as Arizona opened the door of the on-call room. Amelia just knew she had been standing there the entire time and probably had already heard everything at this point. Arizona excused herself, as Maggie gave her enough space to step out.
And again, Amelia was just glad that Maggie was there - has always been there for her when she needed it. Maggie quickly closed and locked the door. She ran quickly to where Amelia was to wrap her arms around her in comfort.
-x-
Owen liked her. Or maybe was attracted to her.
Was there still a difference between liking and being attracted to someone?
But she just knew the way he looked at her, that something was up.
It always felt nice to be wanted.
It had been months since she moved to Seattle, it wouldn't hurt to at least try.
She didn't exactly have the best track record when it came down to relationships, maybe it still wasn't the right time to jump in on anything.
Would it be baffling to ask Owen if they can first start out as friends?
It had been a few minutes since Owen asked her out and had left her to be given more time to think about his offer. She remained motionless in the middle of the entrance lobby, thinking if she should dive in. Could she be trusted once again to open her heart to someone?
She was pulled out of her trance, when she saw Arizona walking straight down the far end of the hallway, stopping right in front of the entrance of the elevator. She looked as if she was just about to head home. She readjusted the sling of her bag on her shoulder, swiftly looking up to where Amelia was, and smiled.
Personally, the blonde's smile felt like Amelia was coming home.
Being with her was where she belonged for some unexplained reason.
Without another thought, she found herself running towards her — catching up right after Arizona had already gotten herself inside the elevator. She pried her hands open, as the elevator doors opened - which also surprised the blonde, meeting her gaze.
"Dr. Shepherd." She happily greeted, as Amelia stepped inside.
"You heading home?" Amelia asked as she found herself smiling right back at her.
Ugh, stupid infectious smile. It was illegal to Arizona to still be sounding ecstatic after suffering more than nine hours of a shift.
"Yes, and you?" The blonde returned the question as they both watched the arrow from the upper portal descend, making its way down to the parking lot.
She contemplated what to answer because Owen just asked her out. And Amelia had nowhere to go, and she still didn't want to go home just yet.
She most definitely didn't want to ask Arizona out — even as colleagues or whatever they used to be. Everything just seemed new and off, even if Arizona looked comfortable to be around. Amelia had decided she was just not there yet.
Amelia found herself nodding before she could respond with words.
Guess she was going home after all. And that it'd be a no to Owen Hunt tonight.
The elevator doors opened, with both of them stepping out of the elevator cab. They walked across the parking lot, and it turned out that her car was parked just two spots away from Arizona's.
Arizona was about to bid her good night as she reached her Volvo, but Amelia's impulse had been quick enough to get a hold of her once again.
"Dr. Robbins."
The blonde looked up, just as she was about to open her car door — plump blue eyes staring back at Amelia, almost stealing every thought. It was not a big deal, but the little moment they shared came flooding back once again and she at least wanted to tell her how the past few days had been shitty for her, but Arizona made today somehow bearable. "I'm glad I was your first choice."
She took pride in that.
For not having to prove anything to be above Derek, when she had always been kept under his shadow for the most part of their lives.
There was definitely tenderness in Arizona's eyes as she said them. She cracked a smile and winked, as she raised her eyebrow playfully. "Always." Arizona met her eyes again for a brief moment then finally opened her car door to dump her belongings, before hopping in. "Good night, Amelia. I'll see you tomorrow."
Always.
-x-
Amelia must have already gone out of her mind to be doing this.
The first time she came to her house at 2AM unannounced was valid, but do it again for the second time?
Right when Arizona had deliberately walked out on her twice, and told her that they were already over?
Arizona might as well file a restraining order to get her to stop.
To be fair, it was Maggie's idea. After a few convincing and letting herself realize that she needed to say her piece and provide closure to Arizona at the very least.
Because being honest about how she felt was not an option anymore. And not exactly a good idea when Arizona was already seeing someone. Maggie at least bargained that if she was not going that route, she at least should ask for an apology.
She hadn't been particularly vocal for all those moments Arizona was begging for an explanation. So she decided she'd do it now before Arizona would truly shut herself off and never allow her to speak to her ever again.
Amelia couldn't bring her donuts anymore, because she didn't want Arizona to think somebody died… again. She couldn't bring anything as a peace offering, she simply just needed to have the guts to face her. It was funny how she had a lot to say to her three months ago compared to now.
She couldn't think of anything that could save or fix what she already broke.
Now she found herself again in the same situation, like how she was a few months back in her car, sitting right in front of the restaurant. Stil in freaking sweats. In a messy bun. With smeared makeup because she had been crying for the past few hours. But this time around, Amelia was knocking on Arizona's doorstep unannounced.
She wondered how things would have ended differently if she didn't let Andi's words get the best of her. If she had handled the situation differently and proved to Andi that she could do better for Arizona. She wouldn't be standing outside the door, but rather, she'd be inside Arizona's home, safe in the comfort of her arms. She wouldn't be worrying about anything because she'd have the blonde at the end of every day.
Amelia wished she hadn't been driven by impulse. She wished hadn't lost the capacity to think it was more than fine to have none of Arizona.
It hurts just being without her. After years of moving to Seattle, the only thing that never changed was how she was with Arizona. How could she have taken that for granted?
Amelia felt like she was about to physically throw up. She knew she had to think of something to somehow mend what she had with Arizona before losing her for good. She muttered a curse under her breath, then proceeded to give a gentle knock on her door.
The lights were on, and she knew Arizona was awake. Probably had been awake for the same reasons. She heard the footsteps getting closer to where Amelia stood from the other side, and she brought out a heavy sigh the moment Arizona opened the door.
She was in a robe, looking like she just got out of bed, and was wide-eyed staring right through Amelia as if she couldn't believe that she was standing right in front of her. The grip on the edge of her door tightened as she shifted uncomfortably, leaning her hips on the doorframe. "Amelia, what are you—"
Amelia knew exactly what she was going to say. She wanted to finally own up to her fault, and say sorry and what came out was the last thing that she planned on saying.
"I'm in love with you." Amelia took a shuddering breath. It took everything in her to get to say this to Arizona out loud for the very first time. It sounded selfish saying it now, when she knew she was off limits now, and had months, years, to simply tell her how much she meant to Amelia. "I-I don't really have the best track record when it comes to relationships. You know that." She laughed humorlessly, as she worked her way to say exactly what she repressed herself from saying ever since. "The idea of being attached to someone scares me now because almost everyone I've ever loved either has died or has hurt me." She bit her bottom lip hard, trying her best not to cry because that was what she had pretty much done the entire day. She was beyond exhausted, and her heart felt it was just too fragile to go through another breakdown. "I feel like you were my last chance at something permanent. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to get another you. "
Amelia gave a half-hearted smile, as Arizona stood silent - almost as if she was encouraging her to carry on. Her voice grew softer as she willed herself to bear more truth, "I-I don't know why I do this, but when I have something that's real, my first instinct is to always fuck up. And- and it's wrong but it's the only thing I know how to do." Her breath hitched in her throat, as she felt the pit of her stomach twisting itself up in anxiety. "I thought I made the right choice by pushing you away. It only made it worse for me, and for you and god, I'm so sorry." She contemplated if reaching out to get a hold of Arizona would be a good choice, so instead, she folded both arms over her chest.
She squeezed her eyes shut, as she drew another laugh. "I initially just came here to tell you I was sorry, and what came out was slightly different from that…" Amelia fluttered her eyes open, as she straightened herself, "I know you have someone now, but I'm shooting my last shot right now if you'll still have me, or is it already too late to ask?" Amelia tilted her head as she offered another faint smile, making one last desperate attempt for Arizona to meet eyes with her. "God, Arizona. Please say something." She pleaded.
Arizona pursed her straight lips as she breathed deeply, looking somewhat defeated.
Just as she was about to open her mouth, a woman's voice then called for Arizona's name from behind.
Amelia flinched, her heart almost felt like it dropped right through the pavement. Arizona must have sensed the same thing as her head fell forward. She leaned her hips tighter against the frame in an attempt to cover this woman.
The thought of knowing who she was killed Amelia, so she never bothered to ask ever again. But here she was right in Arizona's place, right after she professed her love to the blonde — and she was left with no choice. Amelia lets out a breath as she forcefully pushed the door open, right before Arizona could even stop her.
"Amelia." Arizona uttered sternly, but it was all too late.
Amelia risked a glance behind the blonde and she felt like a part of her died.
There was Eliza Minnick, standing right at the bottom of the stairs, wearing what seemed like Arizona's Hopkins sweatshirt — one that Amelia used to have.
Wearing nothing but her fucking sweatshirt, and disheveled hair, almost as if she had just gotten out of bed after enduring a night of lovemaking. She looked more shocked than confused, but she turned to look rather more possessive when her brain had probably registered that it was Amelia who was at the other side of Arizona's door.
Amelia's face fell.