"I'd rather keep on lying than to tell you the truth."
Of course, she stormed out.
What else was there left for her?
Amelia felt like she just made a fool out of herself for wanting a different outcome with Arizona, that for some magical reason — Arizona would have dropped everything to be with her. But no, she wouldn't, because Eliza was there.
Eliza was the woman that she was fucking with.
Amelia wished she could gag at that. Of all women Arizona could have, it'd be that one person she hated.
This all must have been a sick joke for Arizona. Amelia just know she could deal with her heart being broken, but she could not allow herself to tolerate the pain - knowing it was just fucking Eliza who Arizona was with.
The pain surely was immeasurable, and Amelia felt hopeless. What was even worse was that she even saw Eliza wearing nothing but the Hopkins sweatshirt. Sure, it technically belonged to Arizona. But it had been under Amelia's possession for years, it was hers. More importantly, Arizona was also hers.
Guess Amelia had to live with the fact that she could no longer have them both back.
Who even thought it was a good idea to come to her place unannounced at 2AM?
Right — it was Maggie. But Maggie couldn't be blamed when they agreed she'd just drop by to send her apologies to Arizona.
Now Amelia had to live off the embarrassment that she came all the way to Arizona's place to profess her love, only to get rejected and be greeted by her new woman wearing her clothes all in one fucking night.
There was no surviving this.
Tonight just proved that there was no getting back to how things were. And good god she just felt betrayed, and nothing could ever stop the anger dying to spill over her system. She wanted to cry because how could Arizona possibly do this to her?
There was this persistent ringing in her ears, and it was deafening — but so was how Arizona was calling out for her name behind her at the same time. It exasperated her, how Arizona would even have the audacity to go after her. She didn't want to hear any of it from the blonde. Amelia was done.
"Amelia." She heard her name one last time, she could hear Arizona trying to catch her breath. Amelia wanted to feel bad knowing that Arizona running after her would put her leg in so much pain. But for once, she wanted to stop caring about Arizona. She was done. "Amelia, please. Stop." She pleaded.
She felt her chest getting heavier by the second, but Amelia trudged on - her car was just a few steps away, and there was nothing else that she could ever want but to leave this place for good. A few months ago, Amelia was kissing Arizona senselessly in this very driveway. And now everything else about it was a distant memory that she could never have back. "Amelia —"
Swear to god, she has had enough. "Don't you dare fucking talk to me." Amelia hissed. She whipped her head around to finally face the blonde, and she wished she never did - because now Arizona was also crying, and looked as if she was practically begging for the ground to swallow her. "I'm done. We are done. I won't bother you anymore, if that's why you're running after me for."
"I'm sorry you had to see… I didn't mean to—" she tried but failed to explain, and honestly, Amelia was done hearing all the lame excuses Arizona could even come up with.
"God, Arizona." She finally stopped in her tracks to fully face her with pure disdain on her face. "You couldn't have picked someone else? The one and only person I can't stand — and that's who you end up fucking ?!"
Amelia couldn't care less if her neighbors heard her, let alone Eliza. She just needed to get it all off her chest now because frankly, Amelia would never survive if she just kept this all to herself.
"If you're just trying to get back at me — then you win. I'm done playing with you and your little games. " She lets out a breath, barely trying to keep the frustration lacing in her tone. "Were you even hoping I'd catch you and her fucking in that on-call room when I saw you because wow —"
"Will you stop doing that?!" Arizona cried out, her hand dropping right on her chest as she tried to keep herself steady. "Don't paint me as if I'm some kind of selfish prick for doing all these to intentionally hurt you! "
Amelia drew out a dry laugh, shaking her head in disbelief. "Then how else do you want me to call this?!" She exclaimed, the ringing in her ears couldn't stop, and she swore she could feel her pulse racing right out of her chest at this point now. "By the way, it was a nice touch seeing Dr. Minnick in my sweatshirt right after a night of fucking her."
"Eliza is my girlfriend." Arizona finally spoke. Lips set in a firm line, as she hastily wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "I didn't give that sweatshirt to her. It was the nearest clothing she could find, that was the only thing I had been wearing before I even met her." She elaborated.
Well, that definitely got Amelia to shut up.
Amelia blinked forcibly, having a hard time processing what she heard because what did Arizona even see in Eliza to make things official between them? All she knew was that Arizona was making a mistake, and maybe for the first time ever, Amelia would finally just let her. She scoffed, as she shook her head incredulously. "As if that makes everything better?" She narrowed her eyes, as she found herself frowning at the thought that someone like Eliza had Arizona first. This was more than just the fucking sweatshirt, but more of the person wearing it. "You do realize you're dating the person who stole Webber's job?" She asked in resentment
Which was the truth. She and Arizona hadn't been particularly talking these past few weeks, but they both had been in the same room, meeting with Jackson and everyone else. They all wanted Eliza out, they even formulated a plan to not let her in on their surgeries - and all this time, they were at it, Arizona was already seeing Eliza behind their backs.
"I know, and I'm sorry– I wasn't planning on falling —" Arizona explained.
Amelia was quick to cut her off, narrowing her eyes again as she galled at how Arizona could be so goddamn naive. "Falling for her ?" She furrowed her eyebrow, unbelieving. Arizona stood there, not knowing what to say as she looked away. Amelia pressed her lips together, her head falling back down on the pavement as she sighed in defeat. "What about me?"
Arizona opened her mouth, and closed - she shut her eyes momentarily, running her hand across her hair. The sight was gutwrenching, Amelia's heart sinking low in her chest as she decided being rejected by Arizona once again was something she could no longer handle. "I'm in love with you. But I guess that no longer matters, right?" There was desperation in Amelia's voice, mixed with a hint of unearned aggression.
She should have expected less.
She shouldn't have come here in the first place.
She shouldn't have run after her, not when it was apparent that Arizona had already moved on with someone else.
God, she felt so small and pathetic. She wished she could laugh at herself for Arizona's effect on her. Sadly, that all had to change. Amelia already missed her chance of being the person Arizona could ever want. She had weeks to make up for the mess she made at that restaurant, but she never followed through with her. Arizona couldn't be blamed if she somehow gave the impression that they were already over then.
Technically, she already ended things between them - and now it was foolish that Amelia was still running after her. So much for telling Maggie and assuring herself that she made the right choice when now she looked as if she was begging Arizona to still choose her.
Arizona fidgeted with her hands for a moment, shifting uncomfortably. "It matters to me." Arizona carefully said, breaking her thoughts. "I just – I didn't know you'd still feel that way about me. I thought we were done." She admitted.
Honestly, who was Amelia to forbid Arizona to find what they used to have with someone else?
She should learn to accept that, and she realized she could. But that didn't mean she could be happy for her. For them.
I made a mistake.
I made a mistake and I shouldn't have let Andi get in my head.
I made the mistake of hurting you.
Amelia at least wanted to say that. That she made a mistake. That she couldn't handle the thought of losing her for someone like Eliza.
That Arizona could find happiness in Eliza.
Amelia resigned, painting a smile that never really reached her eyes. "It was a mistake coming here." She decided to say instead, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry for coming unannounced. Good night, Arizona."
-x-
Amelia looked like a fucking mess. She just knew her eyes were swollen and she couldn't even be bothered to tuck her stethoscope underneath her collar properly, in its rightful place. She knew Eliza's eyes were on her as she stood in line at the coffee cart. Amelia wished she could say something flippant as asking for Arizona's whereabouts to Eliza just so she could. But she held that thought in the back of her mind as she then realized, no one was supposed to know that she and Arizona were even a thing.
She could be a bitch but she was not a horrible person. And as much as she despised Eliza, outing their relationship with everyone was definitely not something she could do.
Keeping a secret about it was not a fucking easy job though, because Arizona was pretty much all Maggie asked the minute they arrived at the attendings' lounge.
"You came home late last night, so I'm assuming things ended… well ?" Maggie hoped, implying that she came in late because she and Arizona had sex? Oh god, that all seemed laughable now. Amelia wished she could tell Maggie the truth. But stupid fucking Eliza was already in the picture and she had no choice but to keep things to herself. At least anything that involved Arizona which was impossible, because Eliza was now tied up to her. So basically everything at this point.
"No, we did not have sex." She flippantly said, pointing a finger accusingly. "We did talk and I guess, it might take a while for us to go back to being friends. I don't know." She lied.
The whole idea of her and Arizona being friends left a bitter taste in her mouth. They exactly didn't end the night on good terms, but honestly, Amelia was just too exhausted to even explain herself further. Not when she was purely lying right in front of her sister's face.
"What exactly happened last night?" Maggie asked, probably taking a moment now to notice that Amelia couldn't even look at her. Well, she should know she was struggling to hide how her eyes were still swollen after a night of crying. Maggie was looking at her with utter concern now, and Amelia felt the guilt creeping up inside her.
"I can't…" She breathed deeply, trying to shake the image of Eliza in the Hopkins sweatshirt ingrained in her mind. The pain, betrayal, and defeat she felt after, "I just barged in her door to tell her how sorry I was." Another lie.
"Did she at least forgive you?" Maggie asked, and good god - she wished Maggie would stop pestering her with all the questions, but Amelia knew that look she was giving her. She was not entirely convinced that Amelia was telling the truth. "You know you can always tell me anything, right?" Maggie continued to assure her as she took a seat right beside her.
Eliza.
Eliza in her sweatshirt.
Eliza's Arizona.
It was all too much. She couldn't bear the thought that this was the reality she now had to face. Right after she finally said she was in love with her, and this was how the universe gave her in exchange. It was solely her fault, even without Eliza - Amelia had already let Arizona go. She should learn to accept that.
That didn't mean it hurt any less.
She didn't even realize it herself, but the thought of what happened last night evoked a certain kind of feeling that made her stomach coil, as she leaned forward against Maggie's side, her arms reaching out to desperately grab a hold of her. Tears now inevitably streamed down her face, as she restrained the sob from spilling out her throat. Everything hurts, really.
Maggie just pulled her in tighter, as her fingers stroked her back to comfort her.
Amelia felt safe in Maggie's arms. Solace.
Everything that she has right now was enough.
A career she excelled in and a family was all she could ever want.
Amelia decided it was time to accept things as they were and move on from Arizona for good.
-x-
She could do it.
She could save Herman's life.
The plan looked rather hazy at the moment— specifically with the hows, but as she said before, it all seemed possible. With a little push and creativity, she believed she could do it.
The scans, Herman's scans — the longer she looked at them was giving her life, bringing out a certain adrenaline in her veins. She just knew there was a way to save her life.
So she would appreciate it if Arizona was not yelling at her and running all over the place to pull out the scans she worked hard to study.
She has had enough. Arizona just needed Amelia to know that she could do the impossible — "Arizona, shut up and listen to me!" She exclaimed.
Arizona's eyes widened, slightly taken aback as she stood motionless. For a moment, Amelia felt sorry for her but she knew she'd eventually forgive her for what she was about to say.
"I think I can remove her tumor," she pointed at the scans briefly and back to meet the blonde's gaze. "I think I can save her life."
-x-
"Chief, you wanted to see me?"
Bailey looked up from her laptop, and she gave a quick nod, gesturing to step inside her office. "Dr. Shepherd, this will just be quick." She assured her.
Amelia padded a few steps closer in front of Bailey's desk, tilting her head in curiosity. She had no idea what this could be about but any conversation that needed to be done in her office was serious business. She would take pity on Eliza if it turned out she reported her to the Chief for how she treated her a few days back.
"What's up?"
"As you know, the annual clinical congress for ACS will take place in New York on Friday, and I believe you took the initiative to have you and Dr. Robbins attend to this event this year."
Her body froze, as she then briefly remembered about the event and how she and Arizona happily volunteered to go because it was in New York. So Arizona could go and visit Sofia, and do a little sightseeing together. They planned it a few months back when they were still together.
Now they weren't, there was absolutely no reason for Amelia to go anymore. Arizona could still go and see Sofia, maybe she could have fucking Eliza with her for all she cared. The idea that Arizona could introduce Eliza, a complete total stranger as a girlfriend to Sofia didn't sit right with her. But also maybe she was still slightly jealous because it should've been her. She has always wanted to spend more time with Sofia. But she couldn't have that anymore.
"Yea, Bailey — about that…" her voice trailed off, thinking how she could respectfully say no to the Chief, knowing it'd be impossible to do so. "Change of plans, I don't think I could come." Another lie.
Bailey glared, crossing her arms on her chest. "You and Arizona cleared all your surgeries, and I already gave the approval to have some cases endorsed to Seattle Presbyterian." She pointed out, raising her brow in frustration. "Besides, it's only for three days —"
She plastered a forced smile on her face, as Amelia shifted uncomfortably. "No, Bailey I don't think you understand—"
"Are you saying no to the Chief?" She bluntly asked, and of course, there was no winning over Bailey. But still, Amelia wouldn't mind doing this just to get what she wanted. She listed down all the details she and Arizona planned together then, and the idea of having to do all that with someone who was now not even her friend anymore made her uneasy.
It was a three-day event, a conference — with all the other surgeons across the country, which was fine. But they had planned it with the implication that they'd still be together following the months after that, sharing a flight, and a hotel room with a king-sized bed all in three days. Of course, both she and Arizona assumed they would have already made things official between them in the weeks leading to the event. They specifically requested to share the same hotel room, and she remembered how she used to tease Arizona that they'd just spent the rest of their days under the covers.
Having sex to be direct.
No, she could have that with Eliza now.
Ugh, Eliza.
Look, she was still in the midst of trying to move on. But Amelia still felt shameless to say that the thought of Eliza still made her sick.
"You know, Dr. Minnick can come with Arizona." She reasoned. Hoping that Bailey would catch the bait and leave her be, but that annoyed the Chief even more, she then stood up - planting her hands now firmly on both sides of her hips.
"Now, why would you ask Dr. Minnick to come when Dr. Robbins specifically asked for you?" She asked. Bailey made her way a step closer to Amelia, and she gave her a knowing look.
The last thing she wanted to happen was for Bailey to find out about her and Arizona.
"That was before." She replied, shifting her glance anywhere but Bailey's eyes.
"No." Bailey simply said, the corner of her lips curling to form a smile like she just knew something Amelia frankly had no idea about. "Dr. Robbins just came here a few minutes ago to tell me you're still going with her."
"She did what?"
-x-
Arizona was looking at her as if Amelia helped her win the lottery. Well, somehow close to that knowing that she just told her she could save Herman's life with her help.
The blonde looked as if she wanted to cry. She could tell how Arizona was blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall from her face. But she was smiling so hard, still finding it hard to believe as she placed a hand on Amelia's shoulder.
Hope.
Hope was written all over her face.
Amelia was glad to witness this moment with her.
She just sat down with her and watched intently as Amelia displayed the plans she had for Herman so far, no questions being asked. The trust being given to her, without a doubt, was all hers. She didn't have to earn it, not that she asked - but knowing that Arizona was entirely on board with her plan, made it all reassuring.
They had been talking for the past two hours until they had finished — until they were done for the day, and Arizona was now helping her pack up, putting the scans back to where they belonged.
It was a breath of fresh air, to talk to Arizona about anything outside work. Outside Herman, and more to the matters of the self. When Arizona had asked her about how life was treating her so far since the move, about Derek and Meredith, and everything in between. Arizona listened and was purely invested in every story she shared, as they both made their way to the parking lot.
They had already reached Arizona's car, and she knew it was a sign that it was all the time they had for tonight. She wished to hear more about Arizona next time, but she didn't know where to start. She just learned that she was newly divorced, and Herman took her under her wing, and lost a leg in a plane crash; all three of which Amelia knew she still had been struggling to come to terms with.
But Arizona was incredibly nice, and amazing — it was nice to have someone she could talk to outside work. Besides, she used to have a thing with Arizona. A silly unrequited thing.
Even if technically she no longer had feelings for her, it still was valid to admire how Arizona was. She was slowly taking notice of how her scent remained the same, as the faint smell of strawberries and soft florals still lingered whenever she stood close to her. Her hair was longer now, but besides that — she hasn't changed, not one bit. She wished her dimples wouldn't pop too much whenever she smiled, let alone talk. She wished her eyes weren't filled with so much eagerness whenever Amelia would talk, but that was just her own unbiased observation.
God was she…? No, she wasn't. She shouldn't.
Hopkins. Mich. Seattle. Surgery. Herman.
But god, Derek has already left with Meredith and she needed a ride home. Arizona was looking at her, evidently aware that she basically has nowhere to go, but before Arizona could even make the offer, Arizona stopped in her tracks when she saw Owen was already walking towards them.
"I was gonna ask if you wanted to have dinner somewhere, but it seems, Dr. Hunt was thinking the same." She gave a soft smile, sweeping a glance behind her as she waved back at Owen.
Amelia turned around, and she confirmed for her own eyes that Owen was indeed just a couple of steps behind her. She lets out a groan as she remembered how he was asking her out last time when she made an out of a whim decision to leave with Arizona instead.
She gave Arizona an apologetic smile, looking embarrassed and a bit annoyed that Owen went out of his way to get to where they were. "I'm sorry—"
"Don't be," Arizona assured her, running a hand in her hair. "We still have next time."
Amelia nodded, grinning at the thought that she'd get to see the blonde tomorrow, and the day after that — everyday, knowing that they're now confined under the same space. "Only if I'm still your first choice." She smirked, flippantly proposing, and that got the blonde to laugh.
Arizona looked back up, her eyes gleaming with so much life as she spoke, "Always."
-x-
She couldn't fucking believe it.
Arizona just ditched her.
She stood her up at the airport, and she flew to New York without her.
All she had now was pure rage towards the blonde, Arizona didn't even have the decency to tell Amelia that she couldn't come. It was uncharacteristic for Arizona to leave without a word. Amelia knew they weren't particularly on good terms but Bailey said Arizona was still going. She was not expecting Arizona to fucking talk to her, but she at least had high hopes that they'd fly to New York together.
She was beyond pissed, but at least she no longer had to share a bed with her. At least that was what Amelia kept telling herself to simmer her frustrations out.
Amelia hastily dragged her luggage along the hallway of their hotel, holding the hotel key card in her free hand. The thought of the blonde lingered in the back of her mind again, crawling through her ribs, making it uncomfortable to breathe. She lets out a groan, thinking she needed a cold shower to cool her body down.
The cold shower never pushed through when she stepped inside her room and was greeted by Arizona who was staring aimlessly towards the floor, her body was hunched over in a fetal position as she sat on the edge of the bed.
Her anger immediately dissipated as she pulled her sunglasses on top of her head, to take a closer look at the blonde, "Arizona?" Amelia noticed how Arizona's chest heaved, breathing in slowly and gently through her nose followed by a deep exhale through pursed lips. Her shoulders were tense, and Amelia could also notice the slight tremble in her hands as she blinked forcibly.
Arizona was having a panic attack.
Right.
How could she forget?
Amelia felt sick to her stomach that she forgot about Arizona's history with flying.
She flew alone, without her — Amelia didn't even have to ask why. Arizona didn't want her to see her this way. "I'm sorry if I had to take an earlier flight." Amelia looked up at Amelia from where she sat, pulling a forced and heavy smile on her face, "I didn't want you to worry."
"Don't be," Amelia assured her, all hard and bitter feelings towards Arizona were now long gone and had been replaced with deep concern. She couldn't care about anything, she only wanted Arizona to feel safe. She didn't know how, Amelia was not sure if she was allowed to hold her anymore.
Arizona nodded, sighing in relief as she blinked back with tears she swiftly wiped from her eyes. "I just realized I still don't feel comfortable taking a flight on my own…"
Amelia took a seat beside her, swinging her risk to put a hand on the blonde's thigh to keep Arizona steady. It was their first contact in weeks and she missed her, "That must have been hard on you." She pressed her lips together, as she squeezed her hand harder against her thigh. "You don't have to go through that alone anymore, I'll be here…" she trailed off, trying to remind herself that Arizona was not hers, there were boundaries now. She still would do anything to make her feel better, though.
Amelia cleared her throat, wanting to rephrase herself better, "Until you reach a time you'd be comfortable to do it on your own."
Arizona smiled at that, covering the back of Amelia's hand on her thigh with her own palm. They both found themselves inhaling sharply with the unfamiliar contact, as Amelia willed the strength to flip her hand around to interlock her fingers with Arizona's. Everything else didn't matter. At that moment, Amelia wanted Arizona to know she'd be there for her always. Even if the circumstances had been entirely different now.
She sensed the blonde's uneasiness began to subside, and when it finally did, Arizona gently pulled back as she tucked the loose strands that fell on her face behind the back of her ear, fixing herself up.
Amelia cleared her throat, biting her bottom lip, unsure if asking Arizona would make any difference, "You know, you could have asked Eliza to come with you." She reasoned.
Arizona briefly closed her eyes and opened them - directly looking right at Amelia's eyes with an unreadable expression on her face. "Eliza and I broke up," she paused, shaking her head, looking somewhat still in denial - and Amelia didn't know how exactly to deal with that. "More like, she broke up with me—"
Amelia's heart dropped, instantly knowing why without even asking. Of course, she heard them that night. More of her, Amelia screaming right at Arizona's face. How she despised Eliza, and how in love she was with Arizona. Them and their history. She was pretty sure Arizona never told Eliza about them. There was nothing to talk about, hell, she wasn't even Arizona's ex but more of an almost.
She felt bad. Honestly, Amelia was still unsure if that was exactly what she felt or if she was slightly relieved about it. "God Arizona, I'm so sorry—"
"Are you really, though?" Arizona asked, making light of the situation as she narrowed her eyes. Amelia wanted to die. Because of course, she didn't feel that way. Fuck, she was just trying to be nice. It was Eliza's loss. Not the other way around. The blonde looked away, as she breathed deeply, "That was a joke." She added.
Amelia scoffed, giving Arizona an instant death glare - as she eventually caved in and broke into a hearty laugh, which was later joined by Arizona.
-x-
Both she and Arizona couldn't believe it right from their very eyes.
They both found themselves standing in shock, as they watched their old friend, Mich shrieking in excitement as she made their way toward them.
It had been years since Amelia last saw Mich, longer with Arizona - but Mich was there, wrapping them both up in a tight hug, half-screaming in delight. Arizona genuinely looked surprised, as she looked a bit flushed, staring right back at her ex.
"God, how long has it been?!" Mich exclaimed, pulling away. The brunette gave a quick nudge on Arizona's shoulder as she snapped her out of her trance.
"More than a decade, I think?" Arizona grinned, as she briefly spared a glance at Amelia. She could feel Arizona was looking as if she needed help from Amelia when she felt her arm graze the back of her waist.
Mich definitely had been quick enough to notice the subtle contact the blonde made to her, as she eyed them carefully, "Amelia, thank god you finally listened to my advice." She smirked, putting a hand on her shoulder as she dramatically let out a sigh of relief. Amelia wished there was a way she could get the cardiothoracic surgeon to stop talking, but it was all too late.
She sensed the blonde raising her eyebrow from her peripheral view, and she knew she had to act quickly before Arizona could even ask what that was all about.
"What advice?" Arizona genuinely asked.
Mich looked slightly offended, as she huffed a laugh, "You and Amelia—"
Amelia quickly intercepted, as she yanked Arizona's wrist, putting up a forced smile to divert her attention somewhere else. "Hey, Arizona. I think the program's about to start, so I'll meet up with you later?" She swiftly asked.
Arizona looked as if she was weirded out by the sudden shift in her behavior, but she should know Amelia was just as bad at making a diversion. Before Arizona could even respond, Amelia gave a quick nod to answer on the blonde's behalf, and dragged Mich along with her, leaving an even more confused Arizona behind.
That was awful. She felt bad to leave Arizona that way when it was expected they'd be joining the program together. But she also realized that her and Eliza breaking up shouldn't change her initial decision to move on. Amelia needed to do this for herself, even if there was an open window now once again — she hated the thought that this would be another recurring pattern for them, and she still wasn't ready to set herself up for another heartbreak again.
Besides, Arizona could handle herself being alone for the entire duration of the program. They somehow owed it to themselves to spend the time apart. Plus, Amelia also missed Mich a lot and they had a lot of catching up to do. Arizona would be just fine.
Arizona would just be fine.
It'd be easier to have that thought drilled in her head if Arizona would stop looking right through her even if they were already a couple of seats apart.
The facilitator was driving her crazy and was giving Amelia a huge headache. Maybe because she was not really in the mood to listen, let alone to only stay in one place, watching renowned surgeons from all across the state discuss things that she already knew. She was not a freaking child with little to no attention span, but they were in fucking New York, with her old roomate, and she needed a break from everything. She just wanted out.
Mich looked as if she was genuinely invested in the lecture, actively jotting down notes on her iPad from time to time. Amelia stared at her incredulously as she emitted a soft groan, shifting in her seat uncomfortably. She peered her head up, and risked a glance to look at Arizona from afar and found her still lost in her gaze, specifically more engrossed on Amelia than the lecture itself.
Amelia scoffed, somehow annoyed that Arizona had the audacity to look visibly upset. She slumped back in her seat and before she could pull out her phone to check her emails, Mich cleared her throat. "Don't think for a second I don't notice you two eyefucking from across the room." She casually said, without breaking eye contact with the lecturer on stage. "I don't understand how you lost her."
Amelia winced, of course, it was the first thing that Mich asked her when she and Arizona parted ways at the lobby earlier. Of course, Mich demanded the full details of how they started off. Her life in Seattle, moving in for good — Herman's tumor, that unexplained feeling that she had with the blonde that Amelia couldn't get out of her system no matter how hard she tried even after Herman, those three nights, the kiss that she couldn't remember and all the kisses that she still remembered by heart, their fallout, fucking Eliza. Mich now knew everything about it and she was furious at her. Amelia shook her head, rolling her eyes in annoyance, "I already told you how and why I did it."
"I know," she shrugged, "But you also said she and Emily are no longer together. So what's stopping you?"
Amelia bit back a laugh, "Okay, first — her name was Eliza. And second, I am not going to jump in her bed just because she's back to being single again." She exclaimed, stating the obvious in a hushed tone, almost forgetting where they were in the first place.
"Why not?" Mich eyes widened in surprise, squaring her shoulders. "You just came all the way to New York, when you know she's capable of going here all by herself." Mich pointed out. She waved a finger right in the air as she made another, "You came to her place unannounced twice to say sorry on two separate occasions, and what came out was what?"
"I'm in love with you."
Prior to that, and during the very first night she went to her place unannounced, Amelia had the nerve to ask Arizona to kiss her because she couldn't remember the first time they did it.
Sometimes Amelia wished she wasn't a complete oversharer, now she couldn't even form a good rebuttal to face Mich. Everything that she said made absolute sense. But she felt as though she wasn't ready to face Arizona again. She just said she was done barely two weeks back.
Maybe Arizona was right, and she was feeling a bit full of herself. But Arizona telling her that she and Eliza were no longer together, shouldn't make any difference. She shouldn't even feel half sorry for leaving Arizona to be with Mich. She was moving on. She needed to stick to her stance and choose herself for once.
She chose not to answer the brunette's question, as Amelia made the decision to completely change the subject. Less depressing, perhaps. If they could. They were in New York, and she had all the time in the world to do whatever she wanted. "Let's have dinner after." She proposed instead.
"Great! Go tell Arizona —-"
"No." She shook her head, turned her head to the side, and saw Arizona laughing at something the lecturer said. Her dimpled smile should have been a crime, and so was how she managed to make everything around her effortless. She couldn't absolutely want this now. Amelia lets out a breath as she ran a hand across her hair, "Just you and me will do."
-x-
Amelia felt like a hypocrite for absolutely despising Arizona the minute she thought she ditched her earlier when she was doing exactly just that to her now. It was tough having to leave right after the event ended without even uttering a single word to Arizona. Not even bothering to spare a text to tell her that she had someplace else to be. Amelia kept telling herself that Arizona would be just fine on her own, better yet - maybe she'd take the time to visit Callie and Sofia, maybe she had her own plans—
Arizona definitely should have her own plans to help Amelia sleep better tonight. She hated the thought that she left the blonde and that now she might be left with no choice but to grab dinner all alone. Fuck. Why did she leave her just like that? Why did she lie to Mich and told her Arizona had other plans on her own? She was being selfish for no reason, and that got her to lose her own appetite from the meal she just ordered. God. Now all she could ever think about was how Arizona was doing or if she even was safe. She wished she thought this through. She used to be better than this.
"Is this your own method of moving on because it sucks." Mich shrugged, Amelia looked appalled by that, but she also knew Mich was doing this on purpose to get her mind off things. She waved a forkful of salad promptly on her face, "Geez, you need to get laid. How long has it been?"
"Please don't yell things like that in a five-star restaurant." She pulled a forced smile, as she desperately pleaded no one heard Mich. This was a mistake. Mich had no filter, as she always had been - fuck, where was Arizona when she needed her? Right. Her fault.
"How long then?" Mich challenged, narrowing her eyes. Amelia knew she was not going to stop until she got what she wanted and so she eventually caved in.
"Too long." Which was the truth. The closest thing she had with intimacy was with Arizona, and they haven't even — well they did fool around, but they haven't done anything close to sex in those three days they were together. Arizona wanted to take her out, know her more, the old-fashioned way. Amelia wasn't particularly a fan of that idea but Arizona looked adorable talking about her plans that included Amelia. Such as this. This whole fucking trip to New York was planned out by Arizona then, and now Amelia fucked it up again.
"Well," Mich took a sip from her glass of wine, as she tilted her head to the side to give Amelia a view of a guy that had been openly staring at her since they entered the restaurant from behind. "There's a guy on my six who had been eyeing—"
"No." Amelia replied indignantly. The idea of dating exhausted her, and she did not come all the way to New York to find a careless screw.
"C'mon," Mich groaned, nudging Amelia's foot under the table. "You wouldn't know unless you give it a try. Plus, he's hot."
Amelia said nothing at that. She didn't know why she had the strong urge to call Arizona instead. Obviously, she was still worried about her, and the last thing that she needed was —
"Ok, if you're not into him. There's also another hot blue-eyed blondie near the bar, from my 12 o'clock. Your pick." Mich resigned, raising her eyebrows in delight. The cardiothoracic surgeon propped her chin on the table with her arm, patiently waiting for Amelia's decision.
The last thing that she needed was for Mich to pair her up with someone that reminded her of Arizona. She knew that there was no winning over Mich. When she thought about it further, the whole idea of meeting someone wouldn't have to be a bad thing — she owed it to herself to step out of her comfort zone and meet other people. And it was not like she was pulling the man's hand for marriage, it could be fun if she tried. Amelia took one look behind Mich again and saw that the man was still looking at her, giving her a sly smile. He dressed really well, and had glasses, but looked at least two years younger than her, sitting all alone. Cute.
Amelia thought that could be enough for tonight. It didn't even have to mean anything if it all worked out.
She sighed, eventually caving in. Amelia gave a quick nod to Mich, implying that she'd go with the guy. Maybe it could be a big help for her. Maybe she'd even end up thanking Mich for giving herself a chance. Mich's eyes widened, as she yelped in excitement. "That's my girl! Go to his table while I get the bill."
-x-
His name was Noah.
He was also a surgeon, general surgery to be specific in Mayo clinic. Just like her, he flew all the way from Minnesota to New York for the annual clinical congress event. Divorced. No kids. Liked playing golf in his free time. Amelia gawked at that, having no idea how to handle that fact that did not interest her. Nevertheless, he was nice — and knew how to make her genuinely laugh. Good physique, too.
There wasn't much she shared with Noah, a few bits of what she did at work - nothing too personal. It felt peculiar to be talking to someone that didn't know her like actually knew her. Not that she was planning to share everything about her out of the blue. Maybe she was just weirded out how she was talking to a complete stranger, after years of being surrounded by people that knew her from the very depths of her personality.
"Sorry, I've been talking about myself for the past hour," Noah apologized as he directed his question to her, "What about you, I mean all I heard was how good of a neurosurgeon you are. But how are you outside work?"
Yea— there was nothing much she could say that would interest him. Having to reintroduce herself to someone she didn't know was such a chore. It was a harmless question, but she wasn't in the mood for talk. Knowing his name and confirming he was not a serial killer was already enough. Maybe Mich was right and she just needed a good lay.
She couldn't believe she was doing this now, but Mich was also right by the fact that she wouldn't know what she actually wanted if she didn't give this a try. Noah seemed like a willing participant, and she had three more days left in New York - it was all worth the shot. It had already been a while and she has already forgotten if she still even has it, well—
Amelia inhaled deeply as she tilted her head to the side. She licked her bottom lip, as she cocked her perfectly brow to him. "Do you really want to know?" She asked in a deep sultry tone. God, even flirting already seemed so pretentious, as she flinched internally. She realized she sucked at it, but it was not like Noah was actually one to complain, as his mouth slightly hung open and his gaze had been now transfixed to her mouth.
Noah's lip curled into a smile, and Amelia had already forgotten what it was like to be briefly attracted to someone. She felt shivers running through her spine when she also felt him reach for her inner thigh underneath the table they were currently situated on. The touch immediately turned her on, as she momentarily squeezed her legs together, inhaling sharply.
She straightened her thoughts, as she stood up from her chair, making her way to Noah without breaking eye contact right across the table. Amelia crouched down, as she leaned in closely to whisper in his ear, "Do let me know if you're up for the offer."
She sensed how his breath hitched when she grazed her tongue softly to outline the shell of his ear. She felt as if she had been deprived for so long that she had already forgotten what it was like to feel this wanted. Amelia was going to do it tonight. She'd have sex with Noah even if her heart wasn't exactly in the right place. She knew it still wasn't as she felt her heart rapidly beating out of her chest not because of want, but because of guilt.
This was the exact reason why she needed this.
She needed to know what her life could be without the certain blonde lingering in the back of her head. She needed to know if a life without her could be possible. That she could still find herself wanting other people that weren't Arizona.
Without any hesitation, Amelia walked away from Noah with the impression that he'd be following her a few seconds later to get to where she was. The hotel room was not an option, given that she was sharing it with the blonde. She felt disgusted to even be considering doing it in the restaurant's backroom. But she couldn't care less anymore.
She briefly turned her head around, relieved to see that Noah was still not far from behind. Mich was nowhere to be found anymore, and Amelia could already feel that she was now only a couple of steps away from the backroom.
She passed right through the unlit hallway, and she thought maybe that could already be enough, given that the hallway was pretty dark and vacant. Amelia just needed the release and she couldn't care less where Noah would want to take her. She took a few more steps into the unlit area, and Amelia contemplated if she could even go further when she could barely see a thing anymore. Right before she could turn her head around to ask Noah if he'd be completely fine to just have a quick fuck right from where she stood, she felt a strong pair of arms clasped around her waist, slamming her rough against the nearby wall. She lets out a muffled gasp, and right before she could make sense of what just happened, Noah was already kissing her hard.
Furiously and languidly, it almost made her knees give in. Amelia swallowed her moan, as she swiped her tongue across the seam of his mouth to get a taste of him. She could feel Noah's hands all over her, as he tightened the grip on her hair, and his other free hand, reaching down to her hips, to untuck her blouse and gain better access to the smooth expanse of skin just below her waist. God, that felt so good.
Their second kiss came a bit faster than the first. Amelia felt him reach for her leg, hiking it up and hooking it right behind his waist. She was already feeling incredibly soaked as Noah, again kissed her with so much force - both of their tongues battling for dominance. It was almost unbelievable that he could taste and be this good, this heavenly, and there was nothing else that she could want but for Noah to fuck her senseless right there and then.
"God, I-I need you, fuck." Amelia couldn't help herself but moan once again at the sudden loss of contact, when Noah pulled away to plant kisses on the side of her jaw, until his mouth landed right on the crook of her neck, sucking and gently nipping at the area right there. Before she could even reach forward to grab a hold of his face, Noah had already pinned both of her arms above her head, preventing her from touching him. Everything about Noah consumed her in the best way, and she immediately found it mortifying that she had easily given herself to him. Her chest ached because it shouldn't feel this good. It was exhilarating. She didn't even know it'd be possible.
"Amelia?" She heard Noah's voice call for her name… from a distance. Her body froze as she immediately opened her eyes and saw Noah's dark figure, staring right at her, with a visibly shocked look on her face just a couple of feet away from her. Her shoulders tense, as a scream died in her throat in fear.
Who had she been heavily making out with for the past few minutes?
She felt the wrists that had been pinned above her head had now been released, and her panic arose when she was given enough space for her brain to fully process the entire situation.
She couldn't make sense of what was actually happening, mostly because she still couldn't see a thing — but her brain did get a whiff of a certain scent that she just knew all too well.
Strawberries and faint florals.
Her heart skipped in her chest as she realized it had been Arizona she was kissing all along.
Amelia was just too turned on with everything that was happening, that it even slipped her mind how the lips that she kissed were soft. Arizona had been roughly kissing her to the point that she may have bruised her lips by the next day. They had never kissed that way before, so there was no absolute comparison to the sensation she felt now. Their kiss was too fiery, heated, almost as if Amelia was being punished - but there was no denying that it had been excruciatingly good.
Amelia was just too caught up in what was happening that she did not even second guess how it could have been someone else. The way she held her was different - Arizona had never been as possessive as how she was now.
But just why would she do that?
Amelia hadn't even realized Arizona could have also been following her from behind, a few steps ahead of Noah, let alone be in the same fucking restaurant as her.
Then her brain immediately went back to Mich's proposition earlier, before she even went up to Noah. Something about a certain "blue-eyed hottie" just right in front of Mich, if in any case, Noah did not interest her. She initially turned the idea down, because she didn't want to meet someone that could remind her of Arizona, and now it turned out it was no other than Arizona whom Mich had been eyeing, probably had been sitting a couple of tables in front of Mich's view, and behind Amelia's back all along.
No wonder it felt good.
Why it felt heavenly.
Who else could give her that utmost feeling but Arizona, really?
She still had no idea what drove Arizona to be doing all this though. Even if she honestly had no complaints about what just happened, just what was Arizona trying to prove?
Just before she could even ask Arizona what got her into doing it, the blonde had already left without saying another word.
Fuck.
-x-
Amelia was angry, and even more confused.
She just knew she needed to see Arizona. She left the night unplanned, obviously being completely apologetic and even more embarrassed, as she bid good night to Noah instead.
Noah still looked completely shocked by what just happened. Not that he had hardly seen anything in that dark hallway they had just been on, but he was not dumb to even guess what could have absolutely happened there — Amelia had been moaning loudly, paired with the sound of lips locking, and a body being heavily shoved against the wall with every movement, had been persistent all throughout their brief stay in that corner.
He also got a sight of Arizona, as the blonde walked past him like nothing happened when she left and had been incredibly apologetic, thinking that he might have read all the signs wrong as it turned out Amelia was already with someone. She badly wanted to tell him that she and Arizona were nothing — that she thought it was actually Noah who she had kissed, but what was the point of all that now?
The night had already been ruined, and she was still left with all the questions — she finally reached the hotel room she shared with Arizona, and found out that the blonde was nowhere to be found. It got her even more frustrated, thinking that Arizona was choosing to run away than actually talking about it.
Amelia deserved at least an explanation for why she did it. If she had been jealous, then what gave her the right? She hadn't done the same when it had been Arizona with Eliza.
She didn't owe Arizona anything. Amelia did not have a need to justify her own actions as to why she went out with someone else. It was entirely Amelia's choice if she wanted to end the night differently and sleep with someone else. Arizona had no business meddling in the decisions she made.
Her body couldn't stop trembling from anger, as Amelia realized maybe she did need that shower after all. She hastily pulled the phone out of her pocket, with the hopes that Arizona had at least texted her, only to be let down. She threw the phone back on the bed and made a beeline straight inside the bathroom to finally let off some steam by taking a shower.
Thankfully, the shower had been a great help as it also gave her some time to cool her body down and to get her mind off things in a wee bit. She'd been over her head since they kissed, and now Amelia realized that she had yet to unpack her things from her luggage, which meant she had nothing left to wear inside the bathroom, and that she had to retrieve a pair of sleepwear right outside.
Emitting a groan, she reached out on the nearby rack and wrapped herself up in a towel that seemed as if it had been shrunk into pieces. The towel barely covered her body, as it was just knotted just above Amelia's breasts, exposing a generous amount of cleavage and falling short as it ended barely in her mid-thighs.
Her hair had been slightly damp from the shower, which Amelia knew could easily be fixed with the hairdryer. Now all she needed were her clothes, which were still right outside - and so with a quick inhale, she hastily stepped out of the bathroom, as she braced herself for the cool air that immediately swept her body. She shuddered, as her bare feet padded across the hallway, the cold air from the AC unit making it completely unbearable for her.
The sensation immediately stopped as she saw Arizona in bed, casually reading a book, as she was sitting up - with her back just propped against the headboard. Like nothing happened. The sight irked Amelia, as her anger instantly provided warmth in her body, forgetting that not a few minutes ago, her body was shivering from the change of atmosphere.
She didn't even second guess to open her mouth, she was that angry. "We kissed." Amelia snapped, and Arizona barely even took a second to look at her, as she just saw the blonde inhale sharply through her book, without meeting eyes with her. "More like you took advantage of the situation and kissed me." Amelia elaborated, her hands fighting the urge to grab hold of Arizona's book, so she could get her attention.
"You definitely weren't complaining when I had my tongue in your mouth." Arizona shrugged, without looking up. Amelia was astonished by how passive-aggressive she sounded, and it was getting on her nerves how Arizona even had the time to be completely sarcastic. Then again, she had a good point. But Amelia was never going to let Arizona know that.
"I thought it was Noah that I was kissing." She said through gritted teeth. "You are full of shit doing something like that. I literally had to explain to him that—"
"Would you have stopped if you found out it was me all along?" Arizona finally looked up, losing interest in her book. She failed to cover the apparent breath that got stuck in her throat when she finally had a glimpse of Amelia's state of undress. Arizona quickly concealed it by clearing her throat like it did not affect her, yet her gaze that traveled from Amelia's head to toe said otherwise.
Amelia waved her hands in the air frustratingly, wanting to change the subject because she couldn't give Arizona an answer. It was also not helping how Arizona was still raking her towel-clad body up with her heavy-lidded gaze as if it was hers for the taking.
Amelia lightly shook her head, trying not to give Arizona the implication that the way the blonde was looking at her now was distracting her. She should know, it was just stealing her every thought since this was also the first time in months that Arizona looked as if she wanted her again.
She missed that feeling. Missed her.
The feeling of being wanted by Arizona.
Dark eyes followed her every move as she shifted uncomfortably through the carpeted floor. She felt her body unconsciously shiver, as Arizona still couldn't wipe the look of yearning on her face.
Amelia licked her lips, somehow feeling parched at that moment. She still wanted to know why Arizona did it, deep down, she had a feeling why — but she couldn't keep guessing all her life. She wanted to hear it from Arizona herself.
Arizona now had changed into a black tank top, and sleep shorts. Her prosthetic leg was now propped near her bedside table, and her hair had been now tied up in a messy bun. The sight warmed Amelia's heart if she were being honest. It evoked the longing feeling that this was the sight she would have been used to seeing everyday, if they'd been together. The idea that she'd get to come home to Arizona was still fresh in her mind, even if she was already in the midst of 'trying' to move on, she still couldn't help but wonder about all the what-ifs.
She suddenly felt small, standing in nothing but her towel. Arizona was still waiting for an answer, yet she couldn't give that. Amelia desperately wanted to move on, she wished she could tell Arizona that she'd pull away if she found out it was Arizona all along. But she knew in herself that she wouldn't. But she still needed to know —-
"Why did you do it?" She asked. The anger had now dissipated from her tone, her breathing labored as she saw Arizona drop her gaze.
" You know why." The blonde heaved a sigh, looking back up again at Amelia, "I know I have no claim on you anymore, and that I was being unfair to barge in on you like that —"
Amelia cuts her off, she didn't know why she did it — she had been angry at Arizona all day, "Damn right, you don't." but she was also already tired. "Were you jealous?" She added.
Arizona's eyebrow creased in frustration as if she had a glimpse once again of the man Amelia had been with all night. She just nodded her head in response, looking slightly ashamed that she was — indeed, jealous. It was pretty much the only answer Amelia was looking for.
And maybe if Amelia just stopped thinking and just do, this night would end in a better way than expected. With a deep sigh, she took a few steps toward the bed, climbing up. She tucked her loose hair behind her ear, as she tightened the knot on her towel, and without a second thought, she pulled herself onto Arizona's lap, straddling her.
The movement surprised the blonde, but she didn't say anything. The only thing that was separating them now was her towel, and that thought caused Amelia's arousal to pool even more from her legs. She cupped the side of Arizona's face, caressing it - and that instinctively made the blonde's eyes close shut. "You don't have to." She breathed out, as she leaned forward and captured Arizona's lips with her own.
This kiss had been softer, more gentle – yet firm, and she could feel the way Arizona sighed against her lips, the way Arizona's hands reached out to change the angle of her head – deepening the kiss. Amelia pulled Arizona's lips apart, swiftly easing her tongue inside Arizona's mouth, swallowing the needy whimper that rolled out in the back of her throat.
Arizona clawed her hand against her damp hair, as her mouth continually made wonders with her own. She pulled out from their kiss, and just as Amelia was about to let out a groan, Arizona now had leaned further, tracing the generous amount of cleavage that was peeking just a few inches from her knotted towel. She softly swiped them with her thumb, and that instinctively made Amelia's heart pound even harder. She had barely touched her, and there was already no denying just how wet she felt at that moment.
Before she knew it, Arizona had now brought her mouth down to her chest, lightly sucking - until she finally opened her mouth, to fully devour the curves of her breast. "Oh god, Arizona." Please. Fuck. Amelia rolled her head back with her eyes closed, savoring the feel of Arizona's mouth on her chest. She was fully wrapped up at the moment, that she had not been aware that Arizona had already loosened the knot of her towel. Her upper body had been greeted by the cool air from the AC, but she instantly felt a warm sensation when she felt the blonde softly suck her left nipple with her mouth.
She realized that Arizona had already taken the towel off of her, and had now dropped it right on the floor. She managed to remain eye contact as Arizona was softly lapping her mouth around the other nipple, and Amelia almost pass out every time Arizona's mouth would pass over the peak. Teeth flash against sensitive skin, and Amelia found herself grinding harder against her lap.
It was electrifying, more so, when Amelia felt Arizona's hand hike her way up to her inner thigh, — and then she knew she was going to lose it.
Amelia gasped, as she moaned low in her throat when her hips instinctively jumped against Arizona's hand.
Fuck.
There was no getting back to this, she feared.
And hoped.