(A tall man wearing a blue sash over quilted armor, various leather belts and a conical helmet with facial plating lets out a mighty roar while raising a battle axe and circular shield into the air.)
Stormcloak Rebel: The fearless Nord warrior who fought to free Skyrim from the Septim Empire...
(A Stormcloak Rebel is shown splitting an Imperial Legion soldier's head open with a blow from his iron war axe.)
vs.
(A man wearing a green hooded cloak over brown clothing points a longbow at the screen and fires.)
Merry Men: The heroic outlaws of 12th-century England who stole from the rich and gave to the poor.
(A Merry Man is shown in a tree, aiming at a mounted knight with his longbow and firing an arrow through his eye.)
WHO IS DEADLIEST?!
To find out, we have gathered doctors, scientists and weapons experts to determine who would win a fight when two fictional warriors go head to head.
It's a duel to the death to decide who will be...THE FICTIONAL DEADLIEST WARRIOR!
Using 21st century science, we will see what happens when two fictional warriors clash in a simulated battle:
Stormcloak Rebel
Appearing from: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Race: Nord
Height: 6' 4"
Weight: 220 lbs.
Homeland: Skyrim
Leader: Ulfric Stormcloak
Armor: Quilted Armor over Chainmail, Stormcloak Helmet, Hide Shield
Merry Men
Appearing from: Legends of Robin Hood
Race: Human
Height: 5' 8"
Weight: 165 lbs.
Homeland: England
Leader: Robin Hood
Armor: Mail Hauberk, Buckler
"Today, we have a battle between two rebels who fought against oppressive regimes," biomedical scientist Bradley Foster started, "In one corner, you have the Stormcloak Rebel, who fought for their freedom against a corrupt, dying empire. In the other, you have the Merry Men, the noble band of outlaws who took on a corrupt ruling class."
"This is going to be a battle of opposites, it's strength versus speed and agility. The Stormcloak Rebel is a big, strong guy hailing from the most unforgiving tundras and fjords of Skyrim, whereas the Merry Man is more lithe and agile, hailing from the dense forests of England," trauma doctor Joseph Kaiser continued.
"You also have polar opposites in terms of how they approach war, with the Stormcloak Rebel favoring the kind of direct confrontation where he can swing a battle axe into his opponent's face, whereas the Merry Man is more used to guerilla warfare, striking his targets from a distance, also being well-versed in the marksmanship training given to him by Robin Hood," Dr. Kaiser concluded.
"Oh, we're getting medieval today with our weapons," computer expert Eddie Cortez piped in, "We've got swords, axes, bows and even improvised weapons. These are rebels who had to make use of anything they could get their hands on when going up against royal forces that were more well-trained and heavily-armored compared to them."
"Enough talk. Time for action," Bradley concluded.
The camera cut to a bearded man in a leather outfit who wore a hooded bear-skin cloak and was splitting a large piece of wood in half with a two-handed battle axe.
Up first representing the Stormcloak will be Galmar Stone-Fist.
The second-in-command and housecarl to rebellion leader Ulfric Stormcloak, he brings first-hand knowledge of the Stormcloak's warrior heritage and the mindset they carry into battle.
"The Stormcloak are warriors the moment we hit the earth. Swords and axes are our toys. War is a sport to us. These Merry Men sound like a bunch of cowards...hiding up in the trees and shooting their arrows. To call them a 'warrior' would be a great disgrace," Galmar grunted.
The camera then cut to another tall bearded man with light brown hair, dressed in a similar leather outfit and bear-skin cloak. He carried a hand-held axe that he practiced a few swipes with.
Also representing the Stormcloak will be Yrsarald Thrice-Pierced.
A high-ranking officer with Stormcloak forces, he brings knowledge of their weapons and tactics.
"We are not bandits. We are warriors. We fight for our people and our way of life. The Septim Empire couldn't beat us outright, what makes these Merry Men think things will be any different?" Yrsarald asked.
The Stormcloak Rebellion had its beginnings following the Great War and the imposition of the White-Gold Concordant, which outlawed the worship of the hero-god Talos, angering the Nords who revered Talos as their greatest leader. The brewing resentment eventually led to the 'Markarth Incident' when leader Ulfric Stormcloak retook the city from invaders, yet the Septim Empire broke their agreement following pressure from the Thalmor.
"You can't just come in and take a man's beliefs away from him, especially not with a Nord. The Empire were fools to think such, even more so to go back on their agreement and assume there wouldn't be consequences," Galmar grunted.
Ulfric would be arrested for his actions, yet remained undeterred and was released back to Windhelm, where he became its jarl and continued to plot against the Empire, amassing a large militia which took the Stormcloak name in honor of their leader, embarking upon a massive civil war against the Imperial Legion.
"We bought devastation to the Empire and its forces. We will cut these Merry Men into pieces and walk away with our heads held high," Yrsarald concluded with a confident smirk.
The Stormcloak Rebel marches into battle with a wicked arsenal designed to kill:
Short Range: Steel Sword
Mid Range: Iron Battle Axe
Long Range: Hunting Bow
Special Weapon: Iron War Axe
But how will the Stormcloak fare when they are pitted against an equally determined adversary?
The camera cuts to a seven foot tall man with shaggy blond hair and matching stubble, wearing a brown tunic with a brown bycocket on his head. He is shown with a quarterstaff in hand, which he uses to deliver several strikes against a straw dummy.
Up first representing the Merry Men will be Little John.
A long time companion to Robin Hood, he brings first-hand knowledge of the exploits of the legendary outlaw and his band of loyal followers.
"Robin Hood and the Merry Men were warriors of justice who stood against the corrupt elite. Will the will of the common folk at their back, they stood ready to take on all threats, no matter who they were up against," John spoke.
The camera then cut to a thin man with long brown hair and a thin mustache, clad in a fancy green outfit and matching bycocket. He held an arming sword that he took a few practice stabs with before attacking a suspended slab of beef.
Also on hand to represent the Merry Men will be Will Scarlet.
The half-brother of Robin Hood and a high-ranking member of the Merry Men, Will brings knowledge of the outlaw band's weapons and tactics.
"The Stormcloak might be a bigger guy, but as they have said, the bigger they are, the harder they fall," Will smirked.
The Merry Men had their origins when the nobleman Robin of Loxley returned from the Third Crusade, only to find his lands and wealth confiscated by the corrupt Sheriff of Nottingham. Upon seeing the injustice carried out against the peasants, Robin would take it upon himself to oppose the the corrupt sheriff and Sir Guy of Gisbourne, amassing a band of outlaws who would come to be known as his "Merry Men."
"In the beginning, it was just a handful of us, but once word of our exploits got out, oppressed peoples from all over the land and beyond flocked to us," Little John explained.
It was under Robin's leadership the Merry Men carried out a campaign against the sheriff and other corrupt nobles, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, soon fighting against the tyrannical rule of Prince John. It was through their efforts, the band of outlaws would go on to become legends, everlasting symbols of rebellion against tyranny.
"We don't just bring riches to the poor. We bring them hope. We brought them the courage to rise up against those who wished to hold them down. We'll show these Stormcloaks we aren't just the 'lowly thieves' they believe us to be," Will concluded.
The Merry Men carried their own deadly arsenal that allowed them to stand against the corrupt elite:
Short Range: Arming Sword
Mid Range: Quarterstaff
Long Range: English Longbow
Special Weapon: Hatchet
For close quarters combat, both warriors relied upon deadly swords to cleave through their enemies.
For the Stormcloak Rebel, he sliced through Imperial forces with the Steel Sword.
(A Stormcloak is shown slicing through the leg of an Imperial Legionnaire, dropping him to a knee and then driving his sword's tip through the man's throat to silence his screams.)
Steel Sword
Double-Edged
Length: 36.88 in.
Weight: 2.55 lbs.
Material: Steel
"The Steel Sword is a common one-handed sword found throughout the lands of Skyrim," Yrsarald said showing off his blade to the panelists, "Very similar to the swords used by those you called 'Vikings.' We've beheaded many a Legionnaire with this very blade...numbering in the thousands if you will."
"That is an impressive looking sword you've got there and we're going to put it to the test against an attacking Merry Man outfitted in chainmail hauberk and carrying a buckler commonly used by them in battle," Bradley said motioning towards a nearby gel torso, clad in the aforementioned armor, with a buckler in front of it, "You will have 15 seconds to make your case. Make them count."
"I wouldn't need 15, but if you insist," Yrsarald said before taking his position.
"Then on 3...2...1, slice 'em and dice 'em!"
Yrsarald launched himself forward with a mighty roar, swinging his blade into the dummy's chest, yet the chainmail held firm and the blade slid off. He then aimed the tip forward and stabbed it through the dummy's chest, this time achieving penetration, before repeating a little lower. He then drew his sword back and struck the buckler, only managing to chip a small chunk of wood from the surface. With a frustrated grunt, he drove his sword's tip through the dummy's face, just as Bradley called out "Time!"
Dr. Kaiser made his way over to the assess the damage done to the target, starting with the armor.
"From your first strike, you failed to pierce the chainmail. You may however hit this guy hard enough to break a rib," he said before carefully removing the hauberk, "With your first strike, you did manage to pierce the skin and possibly nick his lung. It would collapse and become an even greater issue if he doesn't get immediate medical attention. Your next strike went a little lower and does manage to nick his liver, which could be a possible mortal wound."
He then examined the buckler, "You delivered superficial damage to his buckler, but likely not enough force to break any bones in the arm holding it."
The good doctor then examined the final strike, "While we aren't giving any points for extra credit, I will say you did strike this guy in a perfect spot, dead center of his face and going deep enough to pierce his brain stem. Instant lights out."
"With a display that crude, that wouldn't be nothing we couldn't handle," Will scoffed.
"You think you can do any better, pretty boy?" Yrsarald growled.
"I don't think. I know," Will smirked, "And we bring a finer crafted blade to boot."
Answering the Stormcloak's challenge, the Merry Men swing back with a double-edged killer that cut down all who invaded their turf, the Arming Sword.
(A Merry Man is shown gracefully dodging a swing from a knight's broadsword before he swings low and cuts into the man's legs, dropping him and driving his blade into the back of the man's neck.)
Arming Sword
Double-Edged
Length: 38.13 in.
Weight: 2.65 lbs.
Material: Steel
"This was a knightly sword that was commonly found throughout our lands," Will said showing the sword off for the panelists, "With this very blade, we cut down plenty of knights more heavily-armored than those Legionnaires the Stormcloak speak of."
"A finely crafted blade indeed and now we want to see it in action," Bradley said looking to a fresh target behind him, "It's the same test for you Will, only we have a target clad in the armor of an attacking Stormcloak, complete with one of their shields and in this case, a helmet worn by them in battle."
"As I said, wouldn't be nothing we couldn't handle," Will smirked before taking his position.
"Alright, then on 3...2...1, hack 'em up!"
Will leaped forth with his sword extended, thrusting the tip into the dummy's midsection, yet the quilted padding seemed to hold firm. He pulled the tip out and swung into the torso, twice in rapid succession before thrusting high again. He then swung the blade twice in rapid succession on the hide shield, yet only took out small chunks. Will then drew back and swung at the dummy's helmeted head, only for a loud 'clang' to ring out and the dummy's head was sent rocking violently, with only a large dent in the helmet. He then looked over to Yrsarald and smirked before driving his blade upward beneath the target's exposed chin, just as Bradley called out "Time!"
Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage done, this time removing the body armor first.
"You started with a thrust that punched through the armor, yet the added padding proved to make a difference and you are only tearing through the abdominal muscles. It will hurt him and could lead to an infection, but otherwise not an instant kill. With your second thrust, do manage to go deep enough to nick the lung also, which could lead to a mortal wound. As for your slashes, you hit hard enough to possibly break a rib, yet nothing lethal," he explained.
The trauma doctor then examined the helmet, "You only left a sizeable dent in the helmet, and you did generate enough force to possibly cause some whiplash and to leave him stunned, yet open to another attack."
He then examined the shield, "Once again, the shield does its job of protecting the user and I'm not detecting enough force to break any bones in the user's arm."
Dr. Kaiser then concluded with the final strike, "Once again, we've got 'extra credit,' a shot that literally goes up from the base of this guy's skull and pierces his brain directly. Talk about literal Dark Ages."
"Normally, I don't bother with armor, and neither would any of our men if we saw an opening. I only did so because you asked," Will spoke.
Both blades showed off their deadly killing potential, but where do our panelists stand?
"For me, this was too close to call," Bradley started, "While the Arming Sword is slightly longer and has the finer point, the Stormcloak's sword was still able to match up to it in terms of slashing and thrusting power. I'm calling this one even."
"I have to agree. The body armor held up in both cases against slashing attacks, yet failed against thrusting attacks, whereas things were basically the same in regards to shields. I'm calling it even," Dr. Kaiser seconded.
"I'm with both of you on this one. This is even for me too," Eddie concluded.
In short range weapons, our warriors are even.
XXXXXX
The Stormcloak Rebel and the Merry Men, two warriors who took on corrupt empires.
"The Empire looked upon us as nothing more than wild barbarians. We sought to remedy the ills of Skyrim and preserve the Nordic way of life," Galmar spoke.
"To the elites, we are nothing more than thieves, but to the oppressed and the downtrodden, we were their justice," Will said.
When the battle came to mid-range, both warriors relied upon very different weapons to bring their enemies down.
For the Merry Men, they relied upon a simply crafted staff that became a skull splitter in the right hands, the Quarterstaff.
(A Merry Man is shown jabbing his staff into a castle guard's stomach before swinging it around and bashing his skull in.)
Quarterstaff
Length: 6 ft.
Weight: 1.75 lbs.
Material: Hardwood
"We have what looks like a simple wooden staff here, one a shepherd would have used to protect his flock from predators," Little John said showing his staff off to the panelists, "There would have been plenty of these lying around, thus more likely to avoid arousing suspicion from the authorities. It's long, light and versatile. I can keep my enemy at a distance, or I can close in and bash their skull."
"It will be interesting to see that in action and we've set up for testing both the speed and power of your quarterstaff," Bradley said before motioning to the setup behind him, where five clay pots were hanging from ropes, along with two synthetic skulls and a gel bust wearing a Stormcloak's helmet, "We want to see how many suspended targets you can take down in 3 swings. Once you've done that, you will move on to the skulls, are specifically designed to simulate the thickness of an actual human skull, and then you will top it off with an attack against a gel bust clad in the helmet of a Stormcloak."
"If you insist," John said taking his position.
"Alright John, on 3...2...1, let 'em have it!"
John swung his staff with all his might, managing to smash two of the pots in one swing. He followed up with another swing that demolished two more, before thrusting his staff outward to smash the last pot.
He then set his sights on the synthetic skulls, swinging at an angle that shattered the first skull's jaw, before following up with an overhead strike that cracked the second skull open. John then set his sights on the gel target and delivered another side strike that violently rocked the target's neck before coming down with another overhead strike that shook the target and left a large dent.
"An excellent display of speed, precision and versatility as you managed to shatter all of the pots in roughly 2.643 seconds," Bradley commented.
"And for the test against the skulls, your first strike is shattering this poor guy's jaw. He's not dead, but he is going to be in a whole hell of a lot of pain," Dr. Kaiser commented before making his way over to the second skull, "Here, we have a depressed skull fracture. This wouldn't kill him right away, but given the primitive medical practices of their period, this would have eventually become a kill."
He then made his way over to the gel bust and carefully removed the helmet.
"From what I'm seeing, the helmet held firm. However, it is safe to say this guy could be suffering from whiplash and is possibly concussed. He could certainly be a sitting duck at this point," Dr. Kaiser concluded.
"Heh, that stick of yours is nothing compared to the might of a Stormcloak's battle axe," Galmar chuckled.
To answer the challenge, the Stormcloak swings back with a massive battle axe that can cut through any Legionnaire like a tree, the Iron Battle Axe.
(A Stormcloak is shown bringing his battle axe down onto a Legionnaire's collarbone, sending blood gushing everywhere before driving the spike through the man's face.)
Iron Battle Axe
Length: 5 ft.
Weight: 8 lbs.
Material: Iron head, wooden shaft
"This battle axe is a staple of Stormcloak warfare," Galmar said showing off his axe for the panelists, "It has a big blade for chopping on one side and if that alone isn't enough, I have a spike on the other end that can pierce a skull in a split second."
"But first, we want to see how powerful it can chop and we have a wooden block here to test the amount of force you can generate," Bradley said as the wooden block was placed atop a pair of cinder blocks.
Galmar only nodded and with a mighty swing, brought the axe down onto the block, splitting it in half.
"11,000 newtons," Bradley announced, "You are generating roughly 2,000 pounds of force with that might."
"Enough to cut down anything that stands in our way, be it human, elf or orc," Galmar nodded.
"And now it's time to put that to the test as we have a gel torso with roughly the same thickness as an actual human. We want to see both the blade end and the spike put to use," Bradley continued.
"I will not fail you," Galmar said taking his position.
"Then on 3...2...1, hack 'em up!"
With an animalistic roar, Galmar brought the axe down onto the dummy's collarbone area, wrenching it out and turning the axe around to bring its spike down on top of the dummy's head, ripping the back of its skull open in a gory spectacle that left fake brain matter spilling all over the floor. He then shouted at his mutilated target one more time for good measure.
Dr. Kaiser made his way over and assessed the deep tear left behind.
"You cleaved through this guy's clavicle and nearly split this guy in half, going as deep as to reach his heart and lungs," he said before making his way around to assess the skull damage, "And here, your spike went deep enough to pierce the brain, followed by the added trauma as you tore it out. I don't need to speak any further," the good doctor concluded as he looked down at the bloody chunks left behind.
"It's what happens when you bring a real weapon to battle," Galmar smirked, while Little John shook his head.
The Iron Battle Axe and the Quarterstaff, both weapons showed off their capabilities, but where do our panelists stand?
"I'm all in for the battle axe on this one," Eddie started, "It's got the power and you've got options. You can hack on one side and then you've got the spike on the other end when you need it. Edge Stormcloak."
"I disagree," Bradley countered, "While the battle axe is indeed devastating, it's very heavy that can be draining on a user's stamina. The quarterstaff on the other hand is longer, lighter, quicker, more precise and more versatile. Edge Merry Men."
The tiebreaker would fall down to Dr. Kaiser.
"You do make a strong case for the quarterstaff, Bradley, yet it seems more likely to just injure a Stormcloak, whereas the battle axe seemed more likely to actually kill the Merry Man. I'm giving the edge to the Stormcloak and their Iron Battle Axe."
In mid-ranged weapons, the Stormcloak Rebel takes the edge with the Iron Battle Axe.
XXXXXX
The Stormcloak Rebel and the Merry Men, rebels who rely upon the element of surprise to bring down their foes.
When they needed to take down an enemy from afar, they relied upon their trusted bows to get the job done. For the Stormcloak Rebel, they relied upon the Hunting Bow.
(A Stormcloak is shown hiding in a cluster of bushes, taking aim and dropping a Legion scout with an arrow to the throat.)
Hunting Bow
Length: 68 in.
Weight: 1.5 lbs.
Material: Wood, sinew, leather
"The Stormcloak were forced to make due with whatever we had at our disposal. In this case, a bow we typically used when hunting for food could also double on the battlefield," Galmar said showing off his bow to the panelists, "This is a typical hunting bow found throughout Skyrim, one that came drop a mammoth with as much ease as an Imperial officer."
"And we bring one of the finest weapons to come out of all of England, one that could drop one of your 'Imperials' from even farther away," Will smirked.
To answer the Stormcloak's challenge, the Merry Men return fire with a bow that was considered to be the deadliest weapon of European warfare until the invention of firearms, the English Longbow.
(A Merry Man is shown taking aim at a corrupt nobleman mounted on his horse, firing an arrow that strikes him through the back and sends him tumbling from his now spooked horse.)
English Longbow
Length: 6 ft.
Weight: 1.5 lbs.
Material: Wood
"This was a staple of English warfare," Will said showing off the longbow to the panelists, "Our leader, Robin Hood, was legendary for his archery skills. He would personally drill recruits himself and it was thanks to his efforts, anybody who came looking for us would find themselves sent on a literal suicide mission."
"Those are some impressive looking bows you've brought, but now it's time to see them in action," Bradley said motioning to the course set up behind him, which had 4 foam targets, one of which was mounted atop a fake horse on a track.
"We have 4 attacking enemies approaching, 3 foot soldiers and a mounted leader on a moving horse. You are each being given 10 arrows to try and take down as many targets possible. We want to see the speed, precision and killing power of each bow in action," Bradley finished.
"I would be honored," Will said nodding, while Galmar only scoffed as both men took their positions.
"Alright gentlemen, on 3...2...1, open fire!"
Will fired his first arrow and caught a foot soldier in its side, before quickly loading a new arrow and firing an arrow through the eye of a second foot target. He continued with practiced precision, firing his third arrow into the chest of the last foot target. He then set his sights on the mounted target and fired an arrow that struck the "horse" in its side. Loading his fifth arrow, he fired and missed. Undeterred by his miss, he loaded up his next arrow and fired his shot, finally catching the target in its side. He notched another arrow and caught the mounted target again in its neck. He then notched his eighth arrow and hit the first foot target again, this time in the throat before he fired his next arrow into the second foot target's jaw. It wasn't long before he notched his final arrow and took careful aim, once again striking the mounted target in its side.
"That's some impressive accuracy shown by the English longbow," Dr. Kaiser commented.
All the while, Galmar fired away with his first arrow striking a foot target in the chest, before he followed up and struck the next foot target in its ribs and then hit the last infantry target in the throat.
"Galmar is sure keeping up on him with that Stormcloak's hunting bow," Eddie replied.
It was then Galmar fired at the mounted target and missed. He grunted in frustration and went to fire another arrow, which also missed. Taking a deep breath, the Stormcloak housecarl notched his sixth arrow and struck the mounted target in its shoulder before he followed up with another arrow that struck it in the side. He followed up with another missed shot, yet was able to score another hit to the mounted target with an arrow to the chest. It was then he readied his final shot and again hit the mounted target in the side.
"Alright gentlemen, that's enough!" Bradley waved to halt both archers, "Will, you finished with 9 hits out of 10. Galmar, you finished with 7 out of 10. Good job, gentlemen!"
"Now, we break down the overall results," Dr. Kaiser said making his way over to assess the damage, starting with Will's targets.
"Will, you scored 9 out of 10 hits. With your first target, you've collapsed his lung and pierced his trachea. Dead! With your second guy, killed with the first shot alone, the shot to the jaw was just extra icing on the cake. With your third target, you pierced his heart, again dead. For your mounted guy, he took the most damage, having both his lungs collapsed and his carotid artery torn open. Not only that, he could have taken additional damage from having his horse shot out from underneath him as you would be piercing its liver. You are 4 for 4," Dr. Kaiser reported.
He then made his way over to assess the damage done to Galmar's targets.
"Galmar, you scored 7 out of 10 hits. Your first guy took a shot to the dead center of the chest for an instant kill. Your second guy has a collapsed lung for a delayed kill, and your last guy was struck at the base of his trachea, another kill. As for your mounted target, he takes the most damage with his right arm first being crippled, both his lungs being collapsed, and his aorta being pierced. You have 4 kills across the board," Dr. Kaiser concluded.
The Merry Men's English Longbow and the Stormcloak's Hunting Bow, both bows proved their worth, yet where do the panelists stand in the end?
"I'm with the English Longbow," Bradley started, "It was renowned for its accuracy and killing power. I think it lived up to its reputation here."
"I agree. The English Longbow was known to be one of the deadliest weapons in all of European warfare up until the advent of firearms. Edge Merry Men," Dr. Kaiser seconded.
"I'm with both of you on this one. Edge Merry Men," Eddie concluded.
In long range weapons, the Merry Men take the edge with the English Longbow.
XXXXXX
The time has now come for both warriors to unveil their special weapons.
For the Merry Men, they turned a typical woodland tool into a weapon of war, the Hatchet.
(A Merry Man is shown overpowering a corrupt guard and bringing a hatchet down onto his neck, spurting blood everywhere.)
Hatchet
Length: 14 in.
Weight: 1 lb.
Material: Wooden handle, iron blade
"We were forced to make usage of anything we could find lying around that could kill a man. Nearly at any campsite around Sherwood Forest, you're going to find one of these lying around," Little John said showing a common hatchet off for the panelists, "These are so common, again they won't arouse suspicion from authorities."
"Great for chopping down trees or enemies," Eddie commented.
"Exactly," John replied.
"Then we want to see your hatchet in action," Bradley said motioning towards a bust, "We have another ballistic gel target for you to test your hatchet out on and you have 15 seconds to inflict as much damage possible."
"Very well," John said taking his position.
"Alright John, on 3...2...1, hack 'em up!"
Little John brought the hatchet down on the target's forehead, splitting it wide open. He swung again a split second later into the target's face, followed by another to its skull, and then another before he focused on its neck, a deep chop that sent more stage blood gushing out and then a second chop before Bradley called out "Time!"
"Damn! Lizzie Borden has nothing on you!" Eddie exclaimed.
"Your first blow split this guy's forehead open, might not be an instant kill, but it will leave him heavily incapacitated. Your second strike shattered both his cheekbone and jaw, not a kill, but very painful. Your blows that followed would finally pierce the brain and cause a quick death. Your first blow to the neck would have cut deep into this man's tendons and blood vessels before you finally manage to break his spinal cord. It's not 40 whacks, but it's still damn brutal," Dr. Kaiser concluded.
"Yet, it is but a tool going up against a weapon of war," Yrsarald cut in, "It would be a foolish move for a Merry Man to challenge a Stormcloak, but even more so to bring that," he gestured towards the hatchet.
"I would like to see you bring some deadlier," Little John countered.
"You shouldn't have said that," Yrsarald smirked.
To answer the Merry Men's challenge, the Stormcloak swings back with a one-handed axe that has cut through scores of Imperial Legionnaires, the Iron War Axe.
(A Stormcloak is shown swinging his war axe into a Legionnaire's side before delivering another blow that severs the man's head.)
Iron War Axe
Length: 2 ft.
Weight: 4 lbs.
Material: Wooden handle, iron blade
"This is another commonly used axe by Stormcloak forces," Yrsarald said showing the war axe off for the panelists, "It is not as big as the battle axe, but it is just as reliable and just as deadly."
"Then let's prove it," Bradley said before motioning towards two suspended pig carcasses.
"We have two pig carcasses here and we are giving you 15 seconds to inflict as much damage possible," he explained.
"Glad to oblige," Yrsarald said taking his position.
"Alright Yrsarald, on 3...2...1, cut 'em up!"
Yrsarald launched himself forward and brought his blade down onto the first pig carcass, slicing deep into its back. He quickly swung around and buried his blade into the second pig's gut before pulling it out and slicing into the first target's gut. He then switched his attention back to the second target, swinging into the back of its neck before he repeated the same process with the first target before Bradley called out "Time!"
Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage done to both targets.
"For your first guy, your first strike hit hard enough to sever his spine, leaving him paralyzed and unable to defend himself. Your second strike tears right into his intestines and disembowels him and your last strike, instant lights out as you are nearly decapitating him. With your second target, again, you've torn his gut open and severed his spine. You were like lightning with both these guys," the good doctor concluded.
"As you would have to expect from any Stormcloak attack: in like a bolt of lightning, nobody left alive in the end," Yrsarald nodded.
Both special weapons chopped down their targets where they stood, but where do our panelists stand in the end?
"I'm with the war axe all the way," Bradley started, "Greater reach and greater damage."
"With this matchup, you are talking about a tool being used as an improvised weapon going up against a weapon made for war. No question, the more appropriate blade for the job gets the edge here. Stormcloak all the way," Dr. Kaiser seconded.
"The war axe's first job is that of a tool for battle, not chopping down trees. Edge Stormcloak," Eddie concluded.
In special weapons, the Stormcloak Rebel takes the edge with the Iron War Axe.
For this battle, the armor of both warriors will be taken into consideration as well.
For the Stormcloak Rebel, the wore quilted armor over chainmail and the Stormcloak helmet, coupled with the hide shield.
For the Merry Men, they wore chainmail hauberk, partnered with the buckler.
"My edge goes to the Stormcloak Rebel. They have chainmail similar to that of the Merry Men, yet also have an added layer of protection with the quilted armor. In addition, their larger shield offers more protection and they have a helmet, something which the Merry Man does not," Dr. Kaiser explained.
For body armor, the Stormcloak Rebel takes the edge.
As it is with all warriors, there is a critical X-factor that makes them who they are. For the Stormcloak Rebel, it's his burning passion to liberate Skyrim from the Septim Empire.
"The Empire thought they could just march in and take our everything and then expect us to smile, going as far as to demand we stop worshipping the man who ascended into godhood simply because they didn't believe in it. They allowed those Thalmor thugs to torture our people just because they suspected you of worshipping Talos. Just because the Empire bowed down doesn't mean we were going to follow. We decided to fight when no one else would. For us, it's either we emerge victorious, or we die and be honored in Sovngarde!" Galmar explained.
For the Merry Men, it is their willingness to fight for what was right, regardless of the cost.
"Our leader Robin Hood was a man of noble birth who had his lands taken away from him. He could have taken the money he stole and ran off with it, but he saw the misery inflicted upon the poor by Prince John and the Sheriff of Nottingham. He chose to stay and help the common people and that is won him over with the peasantry, thus bringing many new followers and warriors to our cause. We knew what we were risking in following him, but it became our mission to right the wrongs brought upon our people by corrupted leadership," Little John explained.
Coming up, it's a battle of the rebels when the Stormcloak Rebel and the Merry Men clash to determine who will be named "The Fictional Deadliest Warrior!"
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Our testing has been completed and our X-factors have been evaluated. We are now one step closer to deciding the victor.
Our teams tested 4 weapons used in battle by the Stormcloak Rebels to liberate their lands: the Steel Sword, the Iron Battle Axe, the Hunting Bow, and the Iron War Axe.
On the other side, 4 weapons the Merry Men opposed the corrupt elite with were showcased: the Arming Sword, the Quarterstaff, the English Longbow, and the Hatchet.
In short range weapons, both blades matched each other evenly.
EDGE: Even
In mid-ranged weapons, the Iron Battle Axe chopped down the Quarterstaff.
EDGE: Stormcloak Rebel
In long range weapons, the English Longbow outshot the Hunting Bow.
EDGE: Merry Men
In special weapons, the Iron War Axe hacked the competition brought upon by the Hatchet.
EDGE: Stormcloak Rebel
And lastly, the Stormcloak Rebel brought superior body armor, a larger shield, and a helmet to give them the edge in body armor.
EDGE: Stormcloak Rebel
Our scientists and weapons experts had concluded their testing. The results are in and the time has come to decide who will emerge victorious. To ensure the battle won't be decided by a single, lucky blow, the battle will be simulated one thousand times in a duel to the death.
Who will prevail in a battle between two equally determined adversaries?
Direct
(A group of Stormcloak Rebels are shown forming a shield wall as an army of Imperial Legionnaires approach.)
vs. Devious
(A camouflaged Merry Man waits as a knight walks past before ambushing him with a hatchet, hacking into the man's neck.)
Long Range
(A group of green-clad Merry Men watch from the treetops as the Prince's foot patrol marches along a forest trail, cutting them down in a flurry of arrows before they can react.)
vs. Close Quarters
(A group of Stormcloak Rebels blitz an approaching Legion foot patrol, hacking into the Legionnaires with their swords and axes before they can raise their shields.)
Rebel
(A group of Stormcloak Rebels are shown worshipping at an altar of Talos, the village in which it stands freshly liberated from the Empire's clutches.)
vs. Rebel
(A group of Merry Men are shown distributing looted gold and bags of food to the grateful peasants of a small village.)
"This is going to be a badass battle and I'm eager to see who emerges victorious in the end," Eddie said before typing in the final commands to start the simulation.
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In a vast forest, a man wearing a blue sash and leather belts over quilted armor is kneeling before a small stream, cupping the fresh water into his hands and drinking it before grabbing another handful and dumping it over his long blond hair. Resting against an overturned tree trunk at his side are a large iron battle axe and steel sword, in addition to a circular hide shield and conical helmet with facial plating. Strapped to his side is a smaller war axe with an iron blade and slung over his left shoulder is a hunting bow.
This man is a Stormcloak Rebel who has gotten separated from a small group of his colleagues following a skirmish against a force of Imperial Legionnaires. He was taking a break to relax before he would resume the search for his lost colleagues.
Not too far away, a man wearing a hooded green cloak is observing the lost Stormcloak. He is wearing a mail hauberk beneath his cloak, a leather belt lined with several pouches, brown clothing, and thick leather boots. He had an English longbow slung over his shoulder, along with an arming sword slung across his back, a hatchet hanging from a loop on his belt, and a quarterstaff propped against a nearby tree.
This man was one of the Merry Men led by the famed heroic outlaw Robin Hood, investigating claims of attacks being carried out by agents of a corrupt empire from afar.
Now here he stood, observing a strange-looking man wearing clothing he wasn't familiar with and appearing armed to the teeth.
He had to be one of those foreign attackers he was warned of and the outlaw drew his longbow, notching an arrow and aiming at the man's head. With a deep breath, he let the arrow fly.
The Stormcloak winced upon feeling a sharp pain at the side of his head and he raised a hand to his ear, only to feel a slick substance and brought his hand down to find it covered in blood. Had he not turned his head at the last second, the arrow would have found its way through his right eye.
The Nord warrior threw himself behind the overturned trunk and scrambled for his helmet and shield, throwing the former over his head before raising the shield in front of him while he gathered is larger battle axe and sword. He stood behind his shield as another arrow whizzed past him and shuddered when another arrow struck his shield head on. He needed to find better cover fast and looked over to a tall, sturdy tree nearby he darted over towards and took cover behind.
Drawing his hunting bow, the Stormcloak trained his eyes and ears for any signs of movement, scanning the foliage around him as he slowed his breathing. It was then he heard a rustling coming from his left and he fired an arrow, only to be met by the dying squawk of the bird he struck.
Taken by surprise, the rebel quickly retreated for cover and reached for another arrow in his quiver. The cowardice displayed by his assailant angered the proud warrior, yet years of combat experience taught him to keep his cool and he listened for signs of his unseen foe. The rustling of leaves again caught his attention and he peeked his head out to see a camouflaged figure scurrying away and it was then he fired his next arrow.
Not knowing whether he hit his target, the Stormcloak began darting from tree to tree, not wanting to expose himself to any more arrows. He continued until he came to a tree with his arrow sticking out of it and a torn piece of green fabric hanging from it.
The Merry Man stepped out from behind another tree and swung his quarterstaff at the Stormcloak, striking the Nord hard in the side and causing him to drop his hunting bow.
The Stormcloak winced and felt the air knocked out of him, yet his armor absorbed the brunt of the blow. He leaped backward out of desperation as the Merry Man went for an overhead strike and he brought his boot down on the staff, snapping it in half. He followed up with a hard punch that staggered his foe before picking him up and body slamming him on the hard earth. Looking to finish off the outlaw quickly, he drew his iron battle axe and went for a powerful swing.
The Merry Man cried out in pain as he hit the dirt and felt the world spinning around him. It wasn't until he regained his focus he saw the axe's blade coming down towards him and he rolled off to the side, the axe's head buried in the dirt.
The Merry Man grunted and forced himself back to his feet, bracing himself against the tree behind him. He looked up to see the Stormcloak had free his axe and was swinging at him again, forcing him to leap far to his right.
The battle axe became lodged in the tree and with no time to yank it free, the Stormcloak reached for the steel sword at his side, while the Merry Man drew his arming sword and both men circled each other, silently goading one another to make the first move.
It was the Stormcloak who swung first, a blow his smaller opponent leaped backwards to avoid. He went for another swing, yet was met by the clash of steel. The English outlaw answered with a swing of his arming sword that was then intercepted by the Stormcloak's blade before the rebel attempted to parry him. Knowing he wouldn't win a test of strength against the larger man, he rolled to the side and swung at the Nord, slicing into the quilted covering, yet the bigger man was still protected by the chainmail beneath.
The Stormcloak shouted at his opponent and went for an overhead sword strike that was blocked by the Merry Man's buckler, before he attempted a backhanded swing with his hide shield that clashed with the Englishman's buckler and sent him staggering backwards. He went for another swing that struck the outlaw in the side and tore into his cloak, yet the man was protected by the hauberk underneath.
The Merry Man was stunned from the blow, yet recovered in time to block another strike with his buckler and leaped backwards before he attempted to stab the bigger man, only to graze the man's arm, yet it was enough to force him to drop his sword. It wasn't the last trick the Stormcloak had to offer as he withdrew his war axe and finally caught the outlaw in a lock of their weapons, the Nord using his height and strength advantage to force his opponent down to a knee before the Englishman rolled off to the side in desperation.
The Merry Man reached for the hatchet hanging from his belt and dodged another swipe from the Stormcloak's war axe before he swung upward and caught the giant in his thigh. The Nord fell to the ground howling in pain and clutching his wounded leg, giving the Merry Man time to reclaim his arming sword. He could only look up in horror as the Englishman drove his blade's tip into his throat.
The Merry Man looked on as the Stormcloak gurgled before collapsing like a sack of bricks. Seeing no movement, he made his way over to the fallen man and kicked him to make sure he was dead before he saw the pouch hanging from the man's belt. He knelt down to grab it and opened it to find gold coins inside.
With his opponent defeated, the Merry Man raised his sword and shouted in victory.
XXXXXX
Winner: Merry Men
Merry Men:
Arming Sword: 153
Quarterstaff: 87
English Longbow: 292
Hatchet: 25
Total: 557
Stormcloak Rebel:
Steel Sword: 130
Iron Battle Axe: 101
Hunting Bow: 142
Iron War Axe: 70
Total: 443
"In a more lopsided battle than expected, the Merry Men defeated the Stormcloak Rebel. This was largely in part thanks to their more flexible equipment and experience, their most effective weapon proving to be the English Longbow. While both units share similar hit and run tactics, the Stormcloak ultimately fell as their equipment makes them very much akin to the knights and guards the Merry Men fought against," Bradley concluded.
"What kind of sorcery says the Stormcloak would lose to such lowly thieves?" Galmar growled.
"This just adds to the legend of Robin Hood and the Merry Men and we will continue to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves," Will smiled.
(The Merry Man is shown giving the coin pouch to a grateful family of peasant farmers before nodding and continuing on his way.)
XXXXXX
Next time on "Fictional Deadliest Warrior," it's a battle of the post-apocalyptic survivors:
(A middle-aged man with dark, graying hair and a matching beard, dressed in a plaid shirt and blue jeans points a revolver at the screen.)
Joel Miller: The guardian who traversed a plague-ridden United States on a mission for the future...
vs.
(A shaggy haired, bearded man wearing a turned around baseball cap, biker's kutte and blue jeans is shown pumping a shotgun.)
Deacon St. John: The outlaw biker turned mercenary who fought through legions of infected and hostile survivors to uncover a government conspiracy.
Who will be...THE FICTIONAL DEADLIEST WARRIOR?!
XXXXXX
Author's Note: And so concludes yet another chapter of FDW!
I was initially going to give the edge in mid-ranged weaposn to the Quarterstaff, but then it just seemed that the Iron Battle Axe woud have been more versatile than I would have thought in the beginning, although I don't recall if the spike on the opposite end was ever actually used in the game. I do believe however, it would have been pragmatic to put it to use in an actual fight, which is what I went with.
In this chapter, I also made Will Scarlet Robin Hood's illegitimate half-brother, which was inspired by his depiction in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves." I thought that was a cool idea, so I ran with it.
The Stormcloak, Skyrim and all Elder Scrolls references are the property of Bethesda Game Studios. The Merry Men, Robin Hood and all references are based upon English folklore.
With apologies to Elder Scrolls fans!
I think that's all I've needed to say, so until then, read and review. This is Metal Harbinger saying KEEP IT FUCKING METAL!