There was no smelly breath to awaken Jon early in the morning. He woke up all on his own.
Audrey was curled into a ball, buried beneath the sheets and comforter. He only knew she was there because of her hair splayed out over the pillows. Quietly, he grabbed his clothes and slipped into the bathroom to change before heading to the kitchen.
When he got to the kitchen, the ingredients for their Mother's Day breakfast were already neatly set out, ready to be used. Great pains had been taken to decorate the tray with curling ribbon in Audrey's favorite colors: seafoam green and purple. Cutlery was neatly wrapped in a purple napkin, tied with the curling ribbon, and set next to the plate. A delicate glass vase was set above the napkin, waiting for the flower they had ordered.
Shawn sat at the table and was so immersed in what he was doing that he didn't hear Jon walk up behind him.
Jon watched as his student painstakingly recopied the poem he'd written for Audrey. There was a pile of crumpled up paper at his elbow and three broken pencils scattered on the table.
He frowned. Shawn had finished his writing a week before they left and even asked him to proofread it so he was surprised to see him rewriting it.
"Somethin' wrong?" he asked.
Shawn scowled but didn't look up. "Smudged a word on the original, then tried to write it in pen and misspelled four words."
"It's not for grade. Aud won't care about a couple of misspelled words."
The teen looked like he was trying to snap the pen in half. "Two were my name."
Jon pulled out a chair and sat down next to him. "S-e-a-n or S-h-a-u-n?"
Shawn glared murderously at the page in front of him. "Neither."
"Oh. Wow." For Shawn to misspell his name he had to be extremely anxious, but Jon couldn't figure out why as it was Audrey he was writing for, not Feeny.
Not that Jon had even seen him care that his name was spelled correctly on schoolwork.
Shawn went back to writing with painstaking exactness. His pen slipped leaving a short light streak on the page. He yelped in frustration, throwing the pen down as hard as he could. Rather than whiteout the small mistake he went to wad the whole thing up.
Jon put his hand on top of the teen's hand to stop him from ruining his work. "Hey, what's goin' on with you?"
"I keep messin' up!" He pulled out of Jon's reach and tried to snatch the paper away, but his teacher put his hand out flat over it. Shawn thumped back against the chair and folded his arms over his chest with a frustrated harumph.
Jon picked up the paper and looked over the text. He looked back at the teen and gave him a confused shrug. "Shawn, it's not a big deal. This looks really good."
And it did.
It was even more clearly written than his Christmas list and that had been printed. This poem was in cursive.
"Aud's gonna love it. You don't need to stress out about that."
Shawn grumbled something under his breath and looked like he was on the verge of tears.
Jon sat back and considered what to say. He had learned enough from Audrey to know that this desperate need for perfection was driven by something else.
He tapped his finger on the table to get the teen's attention. "You wanna tell me why it's so important that everythin' is perfect?"
Shawn wiped his nose and shrugged. "I want it to be good enough."
This Jon did not understand. For a gift not to be good enough for Audrey was not possible. Jon was pretty sure she'd be thrilled with a dirty rock from the side of the road if Shawn gave it to her.
"Why wouldn't it be good enough? This is Aud, Shawn. You know, the one that adores that sad little bear I won for her."
Shawn didn't so much as crack a smile. He stared at him with tear-filled eyes.
That's when it clicked for Jon.
This wasn't about Audrey at all.
It had to be about Virna.
"What happened that's makin' you so concerned about Aud not likin' this poem? Which is very good, I might add."
Shawn stared at his hands and began to pick at the skin around his thumbs. Once again, Jon put his hand on top of his.
"Shawn?"
The teen pulled away and let his hands drop limply into his lap. "Nothin' I ever did was good enough for Mom."
Jon took a deep breath and prepared to hold back his temper and opinion on Virna.
"What happened?"
"Every year I tried really hard to make her happy," he said so quietly Jon had to lean over the table to hear him. "I couldn't really get her anything, you know. But I tried to make her stuff. She seemed pretty happy until I was six. That year she locked herself in the bedroom and I didn't see her all day. The next year she wasn't there and didn't come home for several months. The next year not even Dad was home, so I went to Cory's."
Ignoring his rising anger, Jon tried harder to focus on Shawn. "So Mother's Day was usually spent with Cory's mom?"
Shawn nodded.
"Last year, I tried to make breakfast for her, but I didn't do things right. I burned the toast on accident, and she ranted about Dad smokin' and stinkin' up the house, even though she smokes too." He looked up at Jon briefly, then stared at the window over his shoulder.
"She hates scrambled eggs, but they were all I could make at the time. She tossed my breakfast in the trash. She was more interested in lettin' the whole trailer park know what a loser Dad is. I tried to cheer her up by giving her the card I spent a really long time workin' on. I told her I loved her. She looked at the card, told me my handwritin' is so bad she can't read it and she doesn't like poetry anyway. She shoved it in the trash on top of the eggs and burnt toast. Then she left."
At that moment, Jon despised Virna almost as much as he did Chet. He could not imagine treating any kid the way Virna treated her son even if an ex-girlfriend showed up claiming her kid was his and lied about it.
It was cruel.
Shawn slumped over the table as he continued, "So I went to the Matthews and stayed there. Right before dinner, Mom showed up and acted like nothin' happened that mornin'. We got home and she spent the rest of the night complainin' about how ungrateful I am because I chose to spend Mother's Day with Mrs. Matthews instead of her and how that made her feel like a terrible mother."
Jon put his hand over his mouth and counted to ten so what he really thought about Virna did not come out. After a moment he reached across the table and took hold of the teen's arm.
"You didn't do anythin' wrong, Shawn. You did what every kid would do for their mom if they could. And you know Audrey isn't Virna. You could burn the kitchen down and she'd just teach you the basics of cookin' again and give you a fire safety lesson afterwards."
Shawn frowned at him then his expression softened. "You'd the burn the kitchen down before I would."
Jon smiled at the snark. "Anyone could accidently set the microwave for 10 minutes instead 10 seconds, okay."
"Not many could ignore the smell of exploded hot dog for that long."
Jon chuckled and Shawn finally smiled slightly.
"Put the poem in the card, kid. It's good and your writin' is too."
"I guess." Shawn studied the poem critically before finally putting it in the card and sealing the envelope.
"And you did a good job on dinner on your own the other night," Jon said as he stood up. "What's the worst that could happen if we do breakfast together?"
Shawn pushed his chair away from the table. "We distract each other and burn down the cabin."
Jon laughed. "So we don't talk or make eye contact until breakfast is ready. How hard could that be?"
Neither the kitchen nor the cabin suffered any fires.
There was quite a bit of pancake batter splattered all over the counter and floor with a smattering of eggs as garnish from Jon and Shawn bumping into each other due to how small the kitchen was.
Other than that, breakfast was completed without any issues. Once the pancakes, eggs, and orange juice were arranged neatly on the plate, Jon carefully wrote Happy Mother's Day on the pancakes in a thin line of chocolate syrup. Shawn decorated the writing with little dabs of whipped cream. Maraschino cherries were dropped carefully in fluffy white centers. Sweet notes written on pancakes on Saturday mornings was something Audrey frequently did for them, Shawn specifically, and they wanted to return the favor.
At 8 am on the dot, a short rap was heard at the door. Jon answered and accepted the flowers he had arranged to be delivered over a month ago.
As soon as the vase was set on the table, he began to unnecessarily rearrange the flowers. Shawn watched him curiously. His teacher had never been particular about flowers before if he even thought to get flowers for a date. Jon's unusual fusing told him that he was nervous.
This came as a surprise to Shawn. Jon always seemed so cool and put together when it came to dating. Being nervous about giving flowers to Audrey didn't make much sense. Then Jon's words to him not an hour before came back to him.
"She's gonna love 'em, Jon," he said reassuringly. "It's Aud."
Jon shrugged, took a step back, then went back to messing with the flowers.
Shawn rested his chin in his hand. "I mean if she loves that dinky little bear you got her, she's gonna love these flowers."
Jon gave him a side-eye. In one swift motion, he grabbed a pillow from the chair and launched it at the teen. Shawn caught and tossed it behind him, landing it neatly in a chair.
"I need one of those," he reminded Jon.
"Right." Jon took a step back. "Which one you want?"
"Which one is her favorite?"
"This one." He took a five-petal, white flower with a bright yellow center from the bouquet and handed it to the teen.
Shawn recognized the flower as the one he often saw girls in Hawaii advertisements wear. It had a strong fragrance that reminded him of honey butter and lemon.
"What's this called?"
"Hawaiian Yellow Plumeria."
He took the flower and carefully placed it in the vase on the tray. Then he promptly removed it and filled the vase with water before putting the flower back in.
"You ready?" Jon asked as he placed a small jewelry box next to her plate.
Shawn eyed the box skeptically. "Too big to be the ring."
"I'm aware," Jon said, as he refrained from rolling his eyes. "Still, it's somethin' she'll love."
"I'd love it more if the ring was in there."
Jon shook his head with an amused smile. "What's in that actually has to do with you, Smart Guy."
"Oh?" Shawn perked up at this and regarded the box curiously as he picked up the tray. "What is it?"
Jon nudged him forward as he picked up the flowers. "You'll find out when Aud opens it."
The two fell silent as they approached the bedroom door. Jon pushed the door open for Shawn and they quietly crept into the room.
Audrey was still buried beneath the blankets. Jon and Shawn stood at the foot of the bed unsure of what to do. For some reason, they both expected her to be awake and waiting for them.
Jon reacted first.
Setting the flowers on the nightstand, he gently shook her awake. As Audrey stretched and yawned, a sudden intense anxiety gripped Shawn. His eyes went to the envelope by the plate and a compulsion to throw it in the trash overwhelmed him.
There was no chance to get rid of it, however. A smile lit up Audrey's face when she saw him with the tray. With a tight smile plastered on his face, he stiffly stepped forward and presented it to her.
Audrey saw the stressed look on his face when she accepted the tray. She patted the bed next to her for him to sit down then gave him a warm smile before turning her attention to the tray.
"Oh, you guys," she breathed, genuinely touched by the work that they put into decorating the tray and the breakfast. "This is just… perfect!"
She touched the petals of the plumeria in the little vase. She had only seen her favorite flower in person three times. "Where on earth did you find plumeria here?"
Shawn shrugged and pointed to the nightstand. "I got it from there. I dunno where Jon got that."
Audrey was clearly stunned by the large bouquet of plumeria, pikake, and hibiscus next to her. The tropical flowers were numerous and very expensive.
She stared at Jon with wide eyes. "Where did you get these?"
"Might have called in one of those past favors we talked about yesterday." At the look on her face, he chuckled. Sitting on the bed next to her, he explained, "Last year, I tutored a kid who was failin' every single class. Apparently, no one, not even Feeny, had been able to get his grades up."
Jon paused looking pleased with himself. "Got him to get passin' grades for the last semester. His dad is the owner of one of the most expensive florists in the area who just happens to specialize in exotic flowers. He told me owed me big. So I called in that favor about a month ago."
Audrey was properly awed by having her favorite flowers where she could touch them which made Shawn all the more anxious about his gifts.
Jon's gifts were impressive.
His were not.
When she reached for the envelope, he bumped her hand over to the jewelry box.
She caught his distress and lightly patted his cheek with a questioning look.
He gave her a tight smile and said, "Jon said it has to do with me, but I dunno what it is."
Audrey obliged him by opening the jewelry box. Inside was a gemstone pendant of amethyst.
A slow, pleased smile spread over her face.
Shawn looked at Jon like he was crazy. "What does that have to do with me?"
Jon shook his head, unsurprised that Shawn didn't recognize the significance.
Audrey looked up at Shawn with a strange, teary smile. "It's your birthstone," she told him.
"My what?"
"Birthstone," Jon said. "Every month has a gemstone associated with it. Yours is amethyst, Aud's is ruby." He took the necklace Audrey was wearing, the one he bought her at Christmas, and added the gemstone to it.
Shawn knew about birthstones from chatter in the high school hallways. Birthstone jewelry was all the rage with girls.
"How come you got her mine and not hers?"
"I found out from Mrs. Matthews that it's a big thing to get moms jewelry with their kids' birthstones. There's so much out there I wasn't sure what to get. Figured a pendant would work okay."
"It works very okay. Thank you," Audrey said with a laugh. She ran her finger over the gemstone then leaned over and kissed him.
Shawn felt a funny warm feeling mixed with anxiety settle in his stomach.
Virna wore some jewelry, but he couldn't imagine her wearing his birthstone or hers. She still wanted an engagement ring to be proud of from Chet.
Then there was Audrey, wearing his birthstone next to hers.
Shawn pursed his lips together for a moment then pushed the uncomfortable feelings away. Tipping his head to the side he looked at Jon and asked, "What's yours?"
Jon shrugged and looked at Audrey. It never occurred to him to ask about his own.
"January's birthstone is garnet," she replied.
"What's it look like?"
"Garnet can be red like ruby or much darker even purplish," Audrey said. "It's somewhere in between yours and mine."
This struck a sharp chord with Shawn and made him flinch slightly.
Even their birthstones were connected.
That warm feeling turned hot while the anxiety increased.
What were Chet and Virna's birthstones? Was there a connection there? He tried to remember the dates but completely blanked on them.
"Huh," Jon said. "That's kinda of a cool coincidence."
Audrey nodded her head in agreement and Shawn realized he was reading too much into it. Still in the back of his mind, the question lingered. While these questions ran through his mind he didn't realize Audrey was opening his card until it was too late.
"Oh! Shawn!" His name was drawn out in a long breath.
Shawn froze, numbed by fear.
As much as he didn't want to see her reaction he couldn't help but look. His eyes found her face against his will, and he was surprised by her expression.
There were tears in her eyes as she turned the card over in her hands. She stared at the cover, then gently traced over the en pointe ballet toe shoes with her finger. Pale pink ribbon gracefully twirled around them.
The shoes were painted but the ribbon was real.
"Did you draw this?"
He ducked his head to hide the blush that colored his cheeks. "Topanga helped me with shape and stuff. I knew what I wanted it took look like just not how to do it. She suggested doin' mixed media. It was easier than drawin' everything out."
Audrey held the card to her heart and then opened her arms to hug him. "I love it. Shawn, it's gorgeous."
"Really?" Shawn did not expect the card itself to get much notice.
Audrey sat back and opened the card. The poem slipped out and fluttered down to the sheets.
Despite her positive reaction to his art, if she hadn't picked up the paper so quickly he would have snatched it and torn it up.
Jon was watching his reactions as Audrey opened the folded paper. "Shawn's put nearly two months of work into that poem," he told her.
Shawn wasn't sure he wanted her to know that or not. If she hated it, he could have blown it off as a last-minute thing, but not now.
Audrey's hand went over her mouth as she read.
She didn't say anything.
Shawn held his breath.
Virna hadn't said anything when she read his poem either.
But unlike his biological mother, Audrey read the poem over and over.
Finally, she set the paper down next to Jon and reached over to pull Shawn into a hug.
"Thank you, honey," she choked out through the tears. "I don't have the words to tell you what your poem means to me. It's beautiful and I love you so much."
Shawn tried to respond only to find his voice had deserted him and his throat was shut tight with unshed tears.
She really did like it.
But now he couldn't say anything.
His only response was to hug her back as tightly as he could.
When she released him, she took his face between her palms and pressed her forehead against his. "I will keep it forever."
Shawn knew that no matter what happened this was the truth. But his mind still insisted on playing Virna throwing his work away because it wasn't good enough on an endless loop.
Jon saw that he needed a distraction, so he pointed out the now-melted whipped cream and how it had ruined the writing on the pancakes.
Everything was tinted pink from the cherries.
Audrey laughed and said she saw it before it bled everywhere and that she very much appreciated it.
However, she was not fond of them staring at her as she ate so Jon and Shawn went to get their own cold pancakes and eggs and brought them back to the bedroom to eat with her. Even though breakfast was now cold, Audrey expressed her pride in Shawn's pancakes and was very pleased with how quickly he became good at cooking.
As he dumped chocolate syrup over his stack of hotcakes and shoved eggs into his mouth, visions of an angry Virna were slowly replaced by Audrey's delight over his poem which she read out loud several times.
Jon also expressed his pride in his work.
He even thought he had a future as a writer.
It was strange having people express hope for his future rather than tell him had none.
Very strange.
But it was a good strange.
Before the mini-golf bet was issued, Shawn had already planned, with Jon's permission, to take Audrey out on a mother-son date to the Tanger Outlets. He'd been saving his allowance and doing extra work for Jon whenever he could so he could pay for the entire outing.
Shawn was excited about the date for a few reasons. Aside from the outing itself, he was going to drive Audrey to the outlet mall.
The amount of begging and pleading it took to convince Jon to let him do this was not something he wanted to ever repeat.
It was embarrassing to look back on.
Since he wasn't eligible for Driver's Ed at school due to the way his birthday fell, Jon felt bad for him and started teaching him how to handle the Harley. As far as the truck was concerned, Jon thought the new graduated license program Pennsylvania had recently adopted was the way to go especially since he could be his instructor. Under his guidance, Shawn had already passed the written test for his permit. It was just getting the hours in that was an issue. So far, his driving time had been limited to various parking lots to get in some practice with Jon's promise to take him out for serious lessons after Mother's Day weekend.
While they were planning that weekend Shawn noticed the outlet mall was less than a mile away from the campgrounds and that's what sparked the begging to let him take Audrey there on their date. Jon wasn't crazy about the idea but relented after the groveling and talking to Mr. Matthews about the location of the stores in relation to the campgrounds. Then Jon took him out on the road to get enough practice so he would be able to drive to the outlet mall.
Shawn danced antsily outside of the truck waiting for Audrey to join him. Jon stood next to him, unnecessarily reminding him about the rules of the road.
"Jon, I know," he groaned. "We've been over this so much."
"Yeah," his teacher shot back. He put a hand against the door of the truck and wagged a finger at him, "but now you're gonna be out on the road with Audrey, too. This is serious, Shawn."
"I know it is!" he insisted. "But we've literally sat in a parkin' lot just goin' over the lights, the seatbelt, how to start the engine."
"You forgot about the adjustin' the rearview mirror and the seat."
Shawn let his head tip back until it made contact with the door's window. "I won't when I get in the truck."
"You just did!"
"I'm standin' outside of the truck," he pointed out, slapping a hand to his face. "Once I'm in the seat I'm sure muscle memory will kick in. Hours of doin' that very thing, Jon. Hours!"
Jon crossed his arms over his chest ready to pull the plug on the driving plans when Audrey walked out of the cabin with a plumeria blossom tucked behind her left ear. Seeing the location of the flower made Jon forget about his misgivings about Shawn's driving.
Shawn barely noticed the flower much less its significance as he rushed to grab the passenger door for her.
Audrey beamed at him.
As she was buckling herself in Jon leaned against the door and motioned for her to roll down the window.
"If you're uncomfortable with him drivin' at all, just take over. It's less than a mile." Jon couldn't really explain the sudden fear over Shawn's driving. It was to the point he was ready to drive them to the outlet, sit in the truck, and wait for them.
Then an idea came to him.
"You can take a golf cart if he has to drive."
Audrey gave him a funny look and then glanced at Shawn, who was doing everything Jon taught him to do twice. She turned back to Jon and asked seriously, "Can we race the golf cart this time if we do?"
Jon made a face at her. "What is with you and racin' golf carts?"
She chuckled and leaned over to kiss him. "Like you said it's less than a mile. I think we'll be okay."
"Fine," he sighed and stepped back from the vehicle.
As he watched Shawn pull out of the cabin's parking space and cautiously turn onto the road, Jon couldn't shake the worry even if he was confident Shawn would ace this first road test.
On the road, Shawn was quiet, intensely focused on his driving.
Audrey watched him with pride.
She was impressed with his driving skills given how limited his practice had been. It was a testament to Jon's teaching skills and Shawn's desire to learn.
That driver's education was one of those things that was exclusively their time together. Not that she hadn't been invited to join them, but she knew there were things they needed to have independent of her. Something to bond over, like hockey.
Just the two of them.
And sometimes she needed to listen to her music rather than their bickering.
She smiled at the thought before returning her attention to the road and acting as a second set of eyes for Shawn.
The drive to the mall took longer than it should have, not because traffic was heavy but because Shawn drove surprisingly slow, barely at the speed limit. Whether it was for her benefit, Jon's, or his own, she wasn't sure. She didn't say anything though as she didn't want to discourage him.
Rather than deal with parking next to any other vehicles, Shawn parked at the back of the lot which left them with quite a walk to the stores. Audrey didn't seem to mind much to his relief.
The idea to go to the outlets came from Topanga who told him she went the previous Mother's Day with her mother. She said it was fun going through all the stores and that there were special things to celebrate mothers throughout the mall. Part of her Mother's Day gift was to buy her mom something she liked while they were there.
Shawn had his savings in his wallet which was tucked into and chained to his pocket. He liked Topanga's idea of buying something while they were out. He wanted to be able to get Audrey something that she really wanted rather than buy her jewelry that would turn her neck or finger green since he couldn't afford the good stuff like Jon could. His teacher had offered him extra cash for the occasion, but this was very different from Christmas and something he very much wanted to do all on his own.
The outlet was busy but was not the overwhelming crush of Christmas which made it much more interesting and enjoyable.
All of Shawn's worry and fear faded away and for a few hours, he was just another kid at the mall with his mother on Mother's Day. Topanga was right about the outlets being a fun way to spend the day and he was glad he'd listened to her.
When they hit the food court around noon as Shawn hoped they would, he offered to buy her anything she wanted. Still full from breakfast, Audrey suggested splitting an order of nachos. Shawn agreed, adding a diet Pepsi for her and an A&W root beer float for him to their order.
They settled at a table in the corner of the food court away from the crowds. Their conversation as they'd gone through the various stores and learned more about each other's preferences in clothing, music, and other things had been lighthearted and fun. This continued at lunch, but Shawn found his focus wavering as he became distracted by all the families roaming the food court. One woman in particular held his attention as there was something very familiar about her.
Her dark auburn hair was a mess of curls that dipped just below her shoulders and was tied back from her face with a floral scarf. Even her clothing was familiar- several years out of date, didn't fit quite right, slightly faded.
He squirmed in his seat trying to catch a glimpse of her face without being obvious, but she was always turned just so he couldn't even see her profile.
Still, she looked so familiar, yet she couldn't be who he thought she was.
Not here.
Not now.
Shawn's heart hammered so loudly in his ears as he watched her he couldn't hear anything Audrey was saying.
If she was even saying anything at all.
And then the woman spoke.
Lifting her voice above the steady hum of the food court she yelled for someone named Amelia in a distinctive Southern drawl.
Virna!
It was Virna!
Shock coursed through his body as dawned on him that both of his mothers were at the Tanger Outlet food court in Lancaster on Mother's Day.
That strange, detached feeling swallowed him.
To his shock he heard a strangled cry come from his own throat: "MOM!"
Audrey immediately grabbed his hand as she stood up quickly. Shawn pulled as far away from her as he could without breaking their connection as the woman turned to stare at him.
Now he saw her clearly.
Not only was she not Virna, but she didn't look the slightest bit like her from the front.
Shawn dropped Audrey's hand as he sunk into his chair with his palms firmly pressed into his eyes, humiliated and guilt stricken.
He'd yelled at a stranger in the middle of a busy food court.
Worse, he'd betrayed Audrey on Mother's Day by desperately calling out for a woman who didn't even want him in hopes that she was there and looking for him.
As usual, he'd managed to ruin the day.
Virna was right to throw away his gifts and leave him.
He was ungrateful.
Everything he did belonged in the trash.
He belonged in the trash.
The numbness of shock wore off and he fought back the urge to cry and scream as grief and anger consumed him. In the end, he just sat there, silent and pathetic, with tears leaking from between his hands and face.
A small hand rested on his back gently running long nails between his shoulder blades.
Despite his betrayal, she stayed.
That made Shawn's guilt intensify.
The urge to run overwhelmed him.
Audrey would be better off not having to deal with him. Ruining Mother's Day was only the beginning. If he stayed, she would end up like Virna, desperate to get away from him. She and Jon would be much happier without him no matter what they said.
Shawn pressed his palms deeper into his eyes until he saw sparks of light in his peripheral vision.
He had to get out of this family now before his beloved guardians grew to hate him.
"Whatever you're thinking, you're wrong."
Shawn's brow furrowed against his hands. Believing he'd misheard her, he turned his head and looked at her with one eye.
"What?"
Her voice was neutral, but her expression was serious. "You know what," she said simply.
He pushed the heels of his palms up to his forehead and pressed them against his skull as hard as he could. "I thought it was her," he said quietly. "I thought it was…" He couldn't bring himself to say what he thought nor what he'd said out loud.
"Your mother?"
He jerked to attention, sitting straight up completely rigid. "No!" He squeaked out as though a denial would erase from both their memories the name he'd called out. "You're my mother. I just thought she looked like, like…"
He just couldn't say that word again to her.
"Based on the pictures Cory's showed me, she did look like Virna from behind."
Shawn wasn't sure what was worse- that Cory was showing Audrey such pictures without his knowledge or that Audrey noticed it too and didn't seem bothered by it.
A panic rose within his chest.
As much as her life and Jon's would be so better without him, he knew his would not be and he couldn't bear the thought of losing them. Afraid he was going to be sick on the floor of the food court further ruining the day, Shawn tried to distract himself by thinking of some way to salvage things, but he didn't have enough money to buy back her affection.
"I didn't mean it," he said weakly. Tears clouded his eyes, frustrating him even further as he couldn't control his emotions or be a better actor.
"Didn't mean what? That you thought she looked like Virna or that Virna is your mother?" Her tone was gentle and calming, and that bothered Shawn greatly, as he couldn't tell how she really felt.
She's just going through the motions now, he told himself. What choice does she have? She's stuck out here with me.
It was over.
Shawn's shoulders slumped forward.
Another ruined Mother's Day.
Trash.
He belonged in the trash along with his poetry.
Finally, he shrugged. "Both."
Audrey gave his shoulder a loving squeeze. "She is your mother, hun."
He blinked back the tears that threatened to fall and shrugged again, while at the same time leaning into her hand. "No, she's not. Not really. By blood, but that's it. She's never been very motherly. Not like you. But I…." he rambled on until he couldn't make sense of what he was saying.
The feelings swirling inside him were confusing and frightening.
"Still you love her and want her to come back."
This was a sickening thought, and that Audrey called it so accurately made him worry she might be able to read his mind.
"No!" he said a little too loudly. "I just, I don't…..I want both of you!"
And with that, Shawn confirmed that he was a greedy, selfish ingrate like Virna knew him to be.
Now Audrey knew it, too.
He held his breath waiting for her verdict on him.
Audrey bowed her head for a moment as a deep sympathy for the teen washed over her. His internal struggle was written all over his face as was his guilt and pain.
"Confusing, huh?" she said quietly as she brushed one side of his hair from his eyes. "Loving someone so much who you resent so much."
He looked at her uncertainly for a moment, then considered her words.
Crossing his arms, he leaned on the table and slid forward until he was lying on the table. Whatever Audrey thought of him, the perfect Mother's Day was lost, so with nothing more to lose, Shawn said, "Sometimes I hate her so much and never want to see her again. Sometimes I want her to come home so badly and forget anything ever happened. I want you too but sometimes I just want her to be you. I don't understand why she can't be."
He stared at the space where the woman who looked like Virna once stood. "Why can't she be as good a mom as twenty-year-old? She's twice your age. She should be twice as good a mom. But she's not. Not even close."
By this time, he was sitting up and glaring at everyone in the food court as anger replaced all other emotions.
"And I don't understand why I want her after everything she's done and everything you've done. You've done what she should have been doin' all this time. I shouldn't even think about her!"
Fury flashed across his face, and he took hold of a napkin by the empty nacho container. "Why do I want him back after all Jon's done for me? I gotta guy who didn't even want kids, bein' a better dad than one who can't keep track of how many he's had."
He ripped the napkin in half by slamming both fists down on the table as he pulled on it.
"They don't care- why can't I stop carin' about them?!"
Audrey rested her hand on top of his. "Sounds to me like you're caught between stages one and two of the five stages of grief."
Shawn blinked in confusion. "Five stages of grief? Like when someone dies?"
She nodded. "This separation from your parents and severing the ties between you with adoption is like a death in a way. The death of everything you've known. The death of everything you hoped for, where Chet and Virna are concerned. It makes sense that you would be grieving. Even though you are gaining a permanent family with Jon and me, it doesn't change what's been lost. Life goes on after death, but everything changes too. It's hard to accept."
Shawn sat back against the chair and leaned towards her until his head was against her shoulder.
Once again, she was eerily accurate.
"You had a great family. How do you know how I feel?"
"I did have a great family," she said. "But I lost both of my parents. My mum died, but in a way so did my dad, and honestly, Shawn, it's been harder with him than Mum. Mum was just gone. But Daddy?"
A father with his teenage daughter walked past them, laughing and talking. Shawn saw jealousy flare in her eyes for a moment.
"I never had that; not after Mum died," she said absently nodding at the father and daughter. Then she refocused on Shawn. "The man in that hospital bed is not my dad. Some days Daddy shows up but most of the days he's off with my mum in his mind. That's where he is. He's not with me and he hasn't been in a long time."
Shawn frowned as he recalled the few times he met "Pops". "You make it sound like he left you."
"He did, Shawn," she sighed. "I mean, I know he was devastated when he lost the love of his life, but I was still there. I needed him. I was just a kid. He took off after my mum and left me behind. I did everything I could for him, hoping and praying he'd get better and come back for me."
Tears filled her eyes as she shook her head. "It never happened. And I'm not proud of it but there are days where I resent him for not fighting harder to keep himself together for me. And then I feel guilty because I don't know that he could have. I love him. I do. And I'll take care of him to the end. But sometimes I don't want to ever step foot in that hospice again."
Shawn slid down in his seat, seething at the unfairness of life. Maybe he deserved what happened to him, but Audrey- no way did she deserve for life to dump on her like that.
"It sucks," he said after a while. "The whole thing sucks. I do resent her, but I resent him more. Most of the time, I don't want him to come back. I never want to see him again. And when I do want them both back, it's because I want them to see you and Jon adopt me. I want them to beg me to come back to them. I want to say no. I want them to cry and be as miserable as they've made me."
He gave the table's support a hard kick. "And I feel like crap for wantin' to do that to them."
"I get it, Shawn. I do." She paused for a moment, then said, "I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like for that to happen to them too. I wish they could know the misery they've put you through from your perspective for as long as you've had to deal with it."
Her candor surprised him, and Shawn smiled a little at it. He took her hand and held on tightly. With a heavy sigh, he said, "I love you and Jon a lot. I wanna be your kid legally. But I feel so guilty about that. Then when I wanna go back to them, I feel worse about betrayin' you guys."
"You're not betraying us, hun. You really aren't."
He found that hard to believe.
With a sigh, he said, "I try not to think about it but now I can't help it. I don't understand anything. I feel like there's a big ball of emotions I can't even name stuck inside. I wish I could stick my finger down my throat and puke it up."
The moment the words left his mouth, he froze, realizing how callous that must sound to her considering what she was in recovery for.
Audrey squeezed his hand, unbothered by the comment. "That's where counselling will help. In the meantime, talk to Jon. He'll understand better than anyone how you're feeling."
Shawn frowned slightly. "Did Jon go to counsellin' when he was my age?"
She shook her head. "Daddy used a few of Mum's school connections to get Jon in to see a guidance counselor. But attitudes towards therapy were really different when Jon was your age. It was something to be ashamed of."
Shawn fell silent as he thought about their conversation. After several minutes, he sat up and said, "I really do want you to be my mom."
"And I really want to be your mom," she replied with a pleased smile.
Shawn leaned against her again and sighed, "I'm sorry I messed up your first Mother's Day."
She shook her head as though the idea was ridiculous. "You didn't mess up my first Mother's Day."
He gave her a skeptical look.
"You didn't, Shawn. You may not realize this, but this is exactly the kind of conversation a kid should be able to have with their parent."
Shawn raised his brow in surprise.
Cory had serious conversations with his parents all the time, but he'd always thought this was unusual after a certain age and pretty much a Matthews' thing, although Topanga occasionally mentioned talking to her parents. He could never talk to Virna about anything serious. He'd tried to talk to her about Chet before, but he was a subject that would only spur her to start shouting about what a lousy husband he was.
She was too busy to talk about other things like school, girls, friends, or feelings.
She never heard any of his concerns.
And Chet?
Impossible to really talk to him about anything other than Chet.
Audrey's voice cut through his clouded thoughts. "I'm honored you trust me enough to talk to me about this, Shawn. Makes me feel like a real mom."
At this, the emotional storm within him died down to a tolerable level. He wasn't completely convinced that his presence wasn't an undue burden, but, if nothing else, she wasn't angry with him for the abrupt turn the day took.
Inhaling a deep breath, he asked, "You wanna keep goin' or head back to Jon?"
She regarded him intently for a moment then asked, "What do you think?"
Shawn stared back at her. The answer was clearly written on her face: she wanted to stay with him.
"Lemme toss the trash and we can keep goin'," he said, pushing his chair back. "You still gotta pick out your second gift from me."
Audrey grinned and handed him her soda cup.
As he took the trash to the waste receptacles, it occurred to him that maybe he really hadn't completely ruined the day. He returned to Audrey and arm-in-arm they made their way out of the food court, and Shawn was able to walk past the trashcan again without feeling like he belonged in it.
Thank you for spending time with me. I really appreciate it and your comments. :)