Chapter 7: All the Things I Didn't Do

Adora shut the gate to the goat's pen and listened for the click of the latch. When it went, she stood with her hands still against the wooden fencing and didn't move an inch. She should've been turning around and leaving but a numbness kept her anchored. For the whole day, she felt increasingly untethered. At first, she didn't realize but the more and more that conversations faded in and out around her, the more obvious it became that her mind was elsewhere.

Of course it was because of the altercation. What else could it have been? And it wasn't so much the violence between herself and the dad that was particularly bothersome. It was the kid–the look on his face and his helplessness. It stirred something familiar. Too familiar.

Catra's younger face flashed through her mind whenever she had a second to spare. One minute she was listening to Bow's design plans for a new drone, and the next she stood against a frigid metal wall watching Catra getting berated and occasionally smacked by Shadow Weaver.

And she just stood there and watched. Never said anything and never stepped up to block Shadow Weaver's blows.

Why the fuck hadn't she done something? Anything. And now Catra was scarred for life and Adora was left with the residual realization that she wouldn't protect her best friend, her soulmate.

She stepped back from the gate and flexed her fingers to fight the soreness settling in from gripping too hard. Her stomach growled, and a dull ache set in across her abdomen. Even her body knew she was in the wrong.

Why hadn't she said something?

Spirits, she really needed to take the edge off. If memory served her right, she stashed a carton of cigarettes in the feed room. Adora turned and set off, maneuvering between hay bales and stacked sacks of grain. When she entered the feed room, she opened one of the cabinets at the back and dug around past the dusty supplement containers to find them. Her past self didn't let her down; there was an unopened pack practically calling her name. She tore through the packaging while leaving the barn and lit up in the frigid night air. Whereas other nights the Spring swirled with warm air and a welcoming embrace, this night felt like a cold-hearted rejection.

Not even the stars were on her side, cloud cover mostly obscuring them.

Why hadn't she done something?

In a move more mechanical than thoughtful, she made her way to the porch and then the swing. She built this porch swing almost twenty years ago all by herself. Well, mostly. Catra helped here and there. All that time and it still held up. She sat down in it and let herself sink into the cushions. Theoretically, she could go in the house but locking it all back up was more trouble than it was worth.

She took another drag and stared into the darkness. The rows of trees that began the Whispering Woods stood in the night like sentries, guarding her and the house. But was that a false sense of security? The forest did try to kill her several times in the past week. Like it or not, it had let her down and came close to killing the people she most loved in the world. But why? What did she do wrong?

Was the forest's deadly discontent all because of the Eternians and she carried no culpability? Or was it regretting its decision to choose her and trying to rectify that choice? Why had Etheria chosen her anyway?

Maybe, finally, Etheria realized it chose someone who looked directly into Catra's eyes and did nothing to save her from Shadow Weaver. The Great Protector, the Princess of Power and Love, was anything but.

Glimmer popped into the scene with a shower of pink and purple sparkles. "Adora?" She called in an almost sing-song voice. At least someone had a good day. "Ready to go?"

She took a drag off her cigarette and exhaled before answering, "Over here."

Glimmer turned around with a huge smile that almost instantly fell away when they made eye contact. With determined movements, she made her way to the porch and sat next to Adora. "Bad day I take it?"

"Bad week, actually."

"You wanna talk about it?" Glimmer said, "Maybe you'd feel better. I know that when I'm down, I like to talk it out."

"Sure, the only problem is that I don't know what to say."

"How about we start with the first thing that pops into your mind when I say the word 'emotion.'"

"Emotion. Hmmm," Adora said, "I guess I feel a little bit like a failure. I know that sounds dramatic, but that's how I'd describe it."

"A failure? Who have you failed?"

"Who haven't I failed?"

"Adora, what in the actual fuck are you talking about? You're Etheria's hero. The whole galaxy's in fact. How does that qualify you as anything even remotely resembling a failure?"

"Why do you think Etheria chose me as She-Ra?"

Glimmer's eyebrows knit together and she tilted her head to the side. She searched Adora's face before responding, "Lots of reasons. Shitloads of reasons. First of all, you're an incredible swordswoman. It probably sensed that you'd kick ass and take names. Secondly, I don't know anyone who even comes close to your tenacity. I've known you what? Thirty years and you're one of my best friends. And I've never known you to quit. From Etheria's perspective, it's not a bad idea to place your confidence in someone who can't be beaten."

"But I can be beaten. I have been beaten."

"Ya, and then you get back up over and over again. As many times as it takes. It's hard to defeat someone, truly defeat them, if they won't quit," Glimmer said, "And let's see, what else? You're basically the kindest person I've ever met. And not in a weak way...But being kind doesn't make you weak. Shit, I'm saying this all wrong. What I think I'm trying to say is that you're kind but you're no pushover. As far as ancient warriors with mind-blowing, fuck-up-your-year powers, that's a pretty damn good combo to have."

Adora nodded, and blew smoke into the chilly night. She appreciated Glimmer's words but couldn't quite believe them. "I don't know how much Catra's ever told you or how much you've been able to glean but I, ummm," Adora closed her eyes and pinched the top of her nose, "I just let Catra get beat in front of me. When we were kids. I stood there and watched and did nothing. Some sorta hero I am."

"You were just a kid. And even worse, you'd been indoctrinated to think Shadow Weaver was in the right. And if that doesn't convince you, let's talk about today. While the rest of us stood around with our thumbs up our asses, you actually came to the rescue of that poor kid. I don't wanna sound too dramatic but you kinda got a do over and then you kinda knocked it outta the park. How is it not heroic to have thoroughly considered your past and then learned from it? Everyone likes to think they can do that, but not everyone actually does it."

"That's true," Adora said, "I did think I wasn't gonna let that happen again."

"So, see? That's why Etheria chose you. Now no more sulking by yourself. Your family is waiting for you." Glimmer stood, and put a hand out. Adora put out her cigarette, and took her hand.

Her stomach fluttered with butterflies when she and Glimmer popped into her family's Bright Moon room. What made Catra sick about the journey gave Adora the feeling of flying, much like riding Swift Wind. But not even that could cheer her up. It was nice of Glimmer to pick her up from their cottage but she could've benefited from being alone.

"Thanks," Adora said to Glimmer. She nodded and gave Adora an encouraging smile before disappearing with a pop.

"Mommy!" Reyna said while running over. Adora knelt and caught Reyna in her arms before hugging her. "How are the chickens and goats and sheep? Scramble's okay, right? And so is Goatee? I've been so worried about them."

"Everyone is fine. They're eating well and having a good time. I think they miss you, though."

"They do?"

"Oh, for sure," Adora said, "When I check on them tomorrow evening, I'll take you with me. Sound good?"

"Definitely!"

"Mom," Finn greeted from the conference table turned dining room table. Papers and data pads were strewn about and they lightly tapped a pen against the wooden surface. Catra sat next to them, pencil in hand.

"How was it?" Catra asked.

"It was good," Adora said, still kneeling by Reyna and loosely holding her. "Math homework again?"

"I can never get free of it," Finn said while sinking back into their chair.

"We're almost done," Catra said, "Don't lose hope."

Should she transition slowly into apologizing for the fight? Or just go for it? Adora stood and scratched the back of her neck. "Listen, I'm really sorry you guys had to see me hit that guy today." Try as she might, she just couldn't make eye contact with anyone. "I tried not to hit him. Really."

"Nah, that guy deserved everything he got and more," Finn said, "I mean the way he was hurting that kid was just awful."

"Ya, it was. But still. I hate that you had to see that. I'm not like that usually. Most things don't need to be solved with violence."

"Well, I thought it was cool. You caught his fist and then just bam!" Reyna demonstrated with several punches in the air. Nausea poured over her like freezing rain, waking her up to the fight's implications already manifesting in their kids.

"It wasn't cool," Adora said, putting every ounce of effort left in her body into maintaining her composure. "I know I'm the Lord Commander and I'm in the military and I'm She-Ra, but there are other options besides violence when it comes to most situations. Please don't think that I think hitting people is okay."

"Right, only when someone is being a jerk," Finn said.

"What? No. I'm definitely not saying that."

"Kidding," Finn said with a grin. Normally, she found Finn's sarcastic playfulness quite charming but not this time. But she couldn't repeat the same mistake and lose her temper and start yelling.

"But you see what I'm trying to say? If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, use that big brain of yours, you too Reyna, and figure out how to avoid hurting someone."

"Ya, I get it. I know you wouldn't have punched him if you didn't have to," Finn said, "So anyways, can we go over what a hypotenuse is again?"

"Sure," Catra said.

"Wanna do letters?" Reyna asked, her tail whipping back and forth.

"I do. But I think I'm gonna go for a walk right now. Okay?" Adora said, "And then we can do letters to your heart's content."

"Don't be too long."

"I won't."

The castle's long, lonely hallways were almost completely empty. A few guards passed but no one else. She didn't even catch Spinnerella or Netossa heading home. For early evening, it was a ghost town. Not that she minded. Most days she'd be searching for company but tonight she needed to be alone, at least for a little while.

Before Finn was born, she and Catra promised each other that their kids would never experience violence from them. No hitting, no threatening, no magic meant to inflict pain. Preferably they'd never experience anything like that from anyone, but it certainly wouldn't be coming from Adora or Catra. And yes, it wasn't as if she'd hurt Reyna or Finn but they'd still seen her punch that guy. Now they knew she could inflict harm, would inflict harm.

But what did she expect? Really? She was She-Ra. Of course she'd have to fight someone. But that was the point. She'd fight anyone so her kids didn't have to experience violence. She'd do anything to spare them the misery and pain of her and Catra's childhood, so they didn't have to know what it was like to get hit or to hit back. She wanted them out of sight of fear, completely separated from violence. But that careful divide evaporated today. And worst of all, she'd been the one to do it.

Without meaning to, she found herself at the treeline for the Whispering Woods. She planned to stay in the castle but her feet took her here. Would it be bad to go into the woods alone? Yes. But she wanted to do it anyway. Maybe she could find Madame Razz or Mara and ask them for advice. But what exactly would she say? 'Hey, I know I embody the spirit of an ancient warrior but why do I feel like such a failure for fighting in front of my kids?'

Maybe they'd come for her, linger at the edges of the forest, and beckon her in for a heart-to-heart. She waited, but no one arrived. Since this issue happened to be personal and pretty much unrelated to being She-Ra, would they even care? Should they?

Back to the castle then. She turned to leave but a voice cut through the night air. "One toothwart, two funeral Annies, and we've got ourselves a fritter." Razz. But where was she? No one from the castle seemed to be paying her any attention. She could slip into the woods, and no one would notice. So she did.

The glow of a lantern gave away Razz's position. In light of the past week, it didn't seem like a particularly good idea to walk around the woods at night broadcasting her position. But it was Razz; she'd done stranger.

"Madame Razz," Adora said as she approached.

"Oh, dearie me. Adora, have you come for some tea?"

"Sure, Razz. I'd love some."

Razz said nothing else, instead humming to herself and leading Adora deeper into the woods. Before long, they came upon her shack, which wasn't in the same place as last time. Ah, magic.

Adora ducked beneath the lichen curtain that doubled as Madame Razz's front door and walked into the shack's single room. The cauldron sitting beside the right wall, just across from her bed, bubbled and billowed steam. It filled the room with a warm purple glow, casting friendly shadows over the broken gardening tools in the corner, the stones stacked with used pots, the vines covering almost every inch of the walls.

"Hand me that cup, will you, dearie?" Adora grabbed the cup she was pointing at and handed it over. Razz filled it to the brim with the liquid from the cauldron before passing it back.

"Did you make this tea with the flowers you were collecting the other day?" When she was met with a blank stare, Adora clarified, "When Catra and I saw you by the Crystal Castle?"

"Other day? I saw you and Yvonne today!"

"Actually, that wasn't Yvonne. That was Catra."

"Catra?" Razz said, "That's a silly name."

"Don't you remember her? The diplomat? My wife? Catra? We have two kids? Reyna and Finn?"

"Two kids? But you just turned eighteen."

Why did she bother with time related questions? Razz had met both Finn and Reyna at least a dozen times. But it was okay. Today Razz just happened to be traversing the woods from thirty years earlier.

"Nevermind about all that. I wanted to ask you about She-Ra. I've been doing some thinking and I keep wondering: How does Etheria choose who's gonna be She-Ra? Specifically, why did it choose me? I'm not even from here."

"Aren't you?"

"No," Adora said, "I'm from a planet called Eternia."

"You were born there. But you're from here."

"Not sure I'm following." Adora took a sip of her tea and closed her eyes at the unexpected sweetness. She hadn't seen Razz put any sugar in. What kind of tea was this?

"How's the tea? It's a special recipe." Razz smiled over the rim of her cup before taking a drink.

"Good, really good. You never disappoint with your cooking...brewing?"

"You're too kind, Adora dear," Razz said before patting her on the leg. She adjusted her glasses and refilled her cup from the cauldron.

"So why do you think Etheria chose me?" Adora asked. "There are better people out there. People who were always heroes, and have always done the right thing. I, well, I'm not like that. I've hurt people. That doesn't seem like something She-Ra is supposed to do." She took another sip hoping to quell her unease.

"No one is perfect. Not even my Mara was perfect! Etheria knows this. It doesn't want perfect, it wants–," Razz looked at her bare wrist and added, "Oh my, it's getting late. You better get back to your family. You don't wanna worry Catra."

"So you do know Catra."

"Who?"

Adora drained her cup and handed it to Madame Razz. "Thanks for the tea, Razz. And you're right, I better get going." She stood and headed for the door. Even for Razz, this visit was frustrating. She wanted answers and she got tea.

"I have a feeling that talking to Catra and your friends might help," Razz said as Adora slipped out the door. "They see what you can't."

After getting back to the castle and then their old room, Adora helped Reyna with her letters and Finn with math. When bedtime came around, she participated in reading to Reyna, and said goodnight to Finn. It was normal and routine and anything but.

When it became clear the kids were in bed and intended to stay asleep, she went to the balcony, shut the door, and lit a cigarette. She inhaled deeply and breathed out smoke that lazily drifted around her face. Her shoulders unclenched and some of the weight in her chest lifted with every exhale.

Predictably, the door out to the balcony opened and closed before Catra padded up beside her. She wore her old ratty robe, and her hair cascaded down and across her shoulders in loose curls. How she could brave the night air with bare legs was a mystery...Wait, she had fur. That had to help. Catra propped one arm on the railing and held her head up with it. She leaned against the railing, one leg cocked, and her ears perked towards Adora. The whole pose was ...kinda hot.

"We've gotta stop meeting like this," Adora said, turning to face her instead of the woods.

"Or not. These midnight meetings feel a bit scandalous. Like we're sneaking around, and it's a bit naughty. Maybe a little sexy."

Adora took a drag while contemplating. "This is what passes for sexy these days? Why are we so boring?"

Catra laughed, her raspy, genuine laugh. After a moment or two, she recovered and scanned Adora's face. "So, you've been introspective lately."

"Ya, well," Adora said, "It had to happen at some point, I suppose. Even if it did take me fifty years."

"Better late than never." Catra stepped a little closer but kept about six inches of distance. Which, considering the cigarette, was quite close. "It seems like you've been in a funk the past few days. Wanna talk about it?"

"I have been and I do. But there's just so much going on, where do I even start?"

"Hmmm, how about your walk? What made you wanna take a walk?"

"Okay. So. I've been thinking–"

"Uh-oh."

"Haha," Adora said with an eye-roll, "Anyways, I've been thinking about She-Ra and how Etheria chooses her. And it got me wondering, why did it choose me? Out of everyone, why me? I'm not even from here."

"Oh, good. This is easy. I thought you were gonna ask some difficult question like: 'Why is Swift Wind the way he is?'"

"The question of our lives."

Catra chuckled before wrapping her tail around one of Adora's arms. "Etheria chose you because you're the kind of person who saves their enemy. Even when that enemy pushed you away and hurt you, you never gave up on her. You're the kind of person who leaves everything you've ever known because you found out you were on the wrong side. You're the person who defends a kid when he's getting abused."

Not really meaning to, Adora cringed. She did defend that little boy but what about Catra? She hadn't done a thing to protect her. Not a thing.

"But you don't believe me, do you?"

"No."

"Why not?" Catra asked.

How could she say what she meant? How could she look Catra in the eyes and admit that she still wasn't over something that Catra had long ago forgiven? She might think that Adora wanted to pick a fight or something. Which was completely ridiculous. Catra never jumped to conclusions, and was way too supportive to invalidate her feelings like that. And yet, Adora still hesitated.

"I, um," Adora said before clearing her throat, "I should've protected you. I just stood there so many times and never said or did anything. With Shadow Weaver, I mean. I was big and strong and I was–"

"-Just a kid," Catra said, "And we were against a powerful sorcerer. What were you supposed to do? Punch her and get your ass fried? We were in survival mode and we did our best."

Adora scrubbed her face and puffed at her cigarette. Why was this so hard? She and Catra talked about everything, all the time. "Were you thinking about her today? When that guy started pelting his kid? Or after? During the BBQ?"

"I was–when the asshole first came screaming out of the house. But honestly? After that, I was just focused on getting the kid somewhere safe and then later, just talking to our friends. How about you?"

"I couldn't stop thinking about it," Adora said, "You said something. Something like, 'You didn't stand around and watch, you acted.' Were you thinking about all the times when I didn't? Because I was. I was."

"Adora…"

"Catra, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would."

This time, Catra did close the gap. She put her arms around Adora's back and laid her head against Adora's chest. Adora put one arm around her and used the other to bring the cigarette to her lips.

"You were there for me, though. You were. I never would've survived without you."

"I needed you too," Adora said, "If you hadn't been with me, the Fright Zone would've eaten me alive." She tried her best to blow the smoke away from her wife, and into the slight breeze. Catra didn't comment so hopefully she'd succeeded.

"I forgive you, Adora. I really do. And I hope you can forgive yourself. Like I said, you were just a child in a shitty, shitty situation. Now you're an adult, and you didn't let that asshole get away with it. That's why Etheria chose you, you know? You're always willing to learn from your past, and you're always striving to be your best self. I admire you so much for that."

She rubbed the inside of one of Catra's ears before answering, "You are wise beyond your years."

"I think we might be old enough that we can't say that anymore."

"You are as wise as expected."

"There we go, much better," Catra said, "But you get what I'm saying?"

"I do."

"But?"

"There are so many other people who could've been She-Ra. They could've been better at it, too," Adora said, "People who would've protected you. I just don't get it. Why me of all people? I ran into Madame Razz when I was out and about and-"

"You were in the forest?" Catra pulled her head back from Adora's chest to make eye-contact.

"Ummm, just a little. But there were no wolves or boars around. Only Razz."

"I swear to the stars that I'll kill you if you get killed in those fucking woods."

"That sounds like a lose-lose situation for me," Adora said, "And as a general rule, I try to avoid those."

"Ya, well, it wouldn't be great for me either."

"I know to be careful, okay? And I couldn't just ignore Razz."

"Mmmmhhhmmm, and then what happened?" Catra asked while settling her head back against Adora's chest.

"She made me some tea, I think from those flowers from the other day. Then she didn't remember who you were, but she also kinda did? I don't know, it's Razz, you know?" Catra nodded against her. "Then she said that I should talk to you and our friends because you see what I can't."

"She was right about that. Maybe you can't see why Etheria chose you but everyone else can. Do you remember what I said to you when I was pregnant with Finn? When I was only a few weeks from their due date?"

Adora laid on her side, propping her head up with one arm. The other hand glided over the soft fur of Catra's expectant belly. For someone on the small side, her stomach was enormous. Not that Adora minded. Not one bit.

Catra's hair fanned out on her pillow in a sort of curly halo and her hands laid across her chest loosely. They needed to be getting some sleep, but tearing herself away from a conversation with Catra neared the impossible.

"So, what do you think they're gonna be like?" Adora asked. "Smart, funny, athletic?"

Catra reached up with one hand and gently held Adora's chin while her thumb smoothed over her face. The intensity of her eyes was a bit frightening. Like she had something important to say. Was something wrong with the baby? Did she need something? Did she feel okay?

"I don't know what they're gonna be like. But I hope they're like you. I hope they're kind, and I hope they're goofy. I hope they always look for the best in people, and I hope they never give up. I hope they care about other people and Etheria as much as you do. I hope they're always looking to improve, and I hope they follow through. I hope they can find humour in any situation, and I hope they remember to take care of themselves, too." She ran her fingers over Adora's cheeks and then began scratching her scalp. In any other situation, Adora would close her eyes and enjoy the sensation, but she kept her eyes locked on Catra's. "If our kid is even just half the kind of person you are, I think they'll be pretty great. They couldn't have a better mom, I know that."

She felt blindsided in the best way possible. Not knowing what else to do, she shifted so her head rested on Catra's shoulder. "You really believe all that?" Adora whispered.

"All that and more. I love you, and I think the world of you." Catra turned her head as best she could so they could still look at each other. "I was talking to someone else the other day about the baby–maybe Glimmer? She read somewhere that it's a good idea to envision a person you admire and try to live by and teach their ideals while parenting. And I realized that the person I most admire in this world is you. And then I thought about how lucky I am that I get to coparent with someone like you."

Damn. Had she ever felt better? Not that she could remember. "You've been so sentimental recently," Adora said, "I haven't heard one 'idiot' in months." She snuggled in closer until she could tuck her face into Catra's neck.

"It's the hormones. Once I give birth, you're never gonna hear another compliment."

"So I better enjoy it while it lasts? What's Sea Hawk been saying recently? Get while the gettin's good?"

"You just had to bring in Sea Hawk during this nice, tender moment," Catra said. She kissed Adora's temple and then rested her forehead against Adora's. Catra's fine fur glided like silk across her skin, and she deflated into her wife. She never knew she needed to hear these words until this precise moment.

"I'm really the person you admire most?" Adora asked.

"Without a doubt."

"Hmmmm, I don't know how I feel about co-parenting with someone who clearly has low standards."

Silence fell between them until Catra's husky laugh filled the room. "I don't know how you did it, but you somehow managed to insult us both in one go."

"You have much to learn."

"Clearly," Catra said. She smoothed back some loose hairs framing Adora's face, and went back to scratching her scalp.

They stayed like that for a long time–both knowing they needed to sleep and both refusing to let the moment go. "Catra?"

"Ya?"

"Thank you so much."

"Anytime, Adora, anytime."

Remembering that moment came easily and the warmth accompanying the memory spread through her chest, successfully combating the chilly night. "I remember what you said. That sort of thing is hard to forget," Adora said while rubbing one hand up and down Catra's back.

"I still think that about you. Always have, always will. Even if we weren't married, had kids, and all that, I'd still admire you and think the world of you. I know about a dozen other people, probably more, who would say they admire no one else more than you. And it's for all those reasons I gave you and more. And dammit, I really, really wish you could see that about yourself."

"Sometimes I do, just not right now," Adora said while taking a long drag from her cigarette. She stepped out of their embrace, and leaned against the balcony's railing with one arm. "I cannot believe the kids saw me punch that guy. I don't—I don't know what to think about that. I mean, on one hand what was I supposed to do? But on the other, I swore they'd never see violence like that. And I never imagined that I'd be the one to commit it. They're supposed to have happy childhoods and never experience anything close to what we went through."

"Okay, Adora, you punched him once in the face, it's not like you sent him to the hospital. And I appreciate that you're broken up by that, it shows you're a good person, but I think you might be catastrophizing a little. Sure, it wasn't ideal but it was a thousand, no a million, times better than sitting around and letting that poor boy get hurt. What do you think that would've taught the kids?" Catra wormed her way between Adora and the railing. She grabbed, and loosely held some of Adora's shirt in her fists before peering upwards at her.

"I guess you're right. If I'd done nothing, that would've shown them that ignoring wrongdoing is fine. That ignorance is better than intervention. That evil happens when no one cares."

"Exactly," Catra said, "So ya, maybe don't make it a habit to punch people in front of the kids, but don't feel bad about doing the right thing."

"Right, there are so many other things to feel bad about, why stick with this one?"

Catra laughed and smiled wide enough that Adora could see all her fangs. "Maybe not what I was trying to get at." She wrapped her tail around Adora's leg. "Damn, you're so cold." She rubbed her hands up and down Adora's arms, trying to warm her up.

"I would have a suggestion on how to remedy this issue but, well…" Adora nodded at her cigarette before bringing it up to her mouth for another puff.

"Ya, absolutely not. I'm kinda impressed I got this close. Only for you do I tolerate that shit." Catra added, "Not that I like you or anything."

"I would never presume such a thing," Adora said before grinning, "We are never gonna get to a third kid at this rate."

"Get some gum or one of those patches and I'm all yours."

"This might be the most effective anti-smoking campaign ever waged," Adora said.

"Just doing my part for the good of society."

...

Days passed, and nothing happened. Gradually, people relaxed, got complacent with the same old, same old. Bow asked if they really needed to be in Defensive Posture Alpha, and Adora insisted they keep it up. Apparently no one else could feel it but the woods, all of Etheria in fact, held its breath. True, the frenzied violence that plagued the forest and crept from its edges had receded into the shadows and mostly out of sight. But despite the noticeable decrease in animal sightings and reports of injuries, the possibility of another upswing in brutality remained ever present, always lurking in the back of her mind. Etheria seemed pleased with her response, but that could change any minute. So she kept her orders in place and even mobilized several more assets. Just to be sure. No one seemed to understand that keeping the roads leading to and through the Whispering Woods closed, and stepping up military and guard presence around villages had prevented much worse from befalling the citizens of Etheria. Nothing happened thanks to their extensive response and so most everyone judged the heightened security to be unnecessary. When a portal finally did open, they'd be glad they stuck to her plan.

"Well, I'm glad you believe me," Adora said while tossing a handball towards Brick. The spheric ball spun through the air easily with a flick of her wrist.

"Someone's gotta do it. And as much as I dislike Catra, she also believes you."

"Okay, you do not 'dislike' Catra. I'd even go as far to say that she might be in your top tier of favorites. No one can go toe-to-toe with you like she can."

"Ya, ya, whatever. Point is, you've got lots of people who believe you," Brick said, throwing the ball back.

"I believe you, too," Sunny said. She perched on the edge of their ping-pong table, watching them throw the ball back and forth.

"Who are we believing and why?" Catra asked, strolling through the wooden doors leading to the department's break room.

"Well, if it isn't Princess Catra. Come to see us lowly beings in the War Department? Need a little less holding hands around the flower fire, and a little more ass-kicking?"

"Trust me, Brick, the minute we need less brains and more unearned bravado, you'll be the first person I call."

"Spirits, who knew you were such a mean old bitch?"

"Umm, literally everyone?" Catra said.

"Anyways, we were just discussing how no one believes me about these portals. I keep telling Bow and Glimmer that something is coming but I'm fighting them every step of the way," Adora said.

"I believe you and honestly? I think they do too," Catra said, "They're just trying to make sure our response is level-headed, and that we're not freaking out the populace over nothing."

"You come down to my department and start making sense? How dare you," Adora said, turning and tossing the ball to Catra. She caught it easily and turned it over in her hands. "I was quite happy stewing in unreasonable frustration."

"Sorry to break your concentration." Catra threw the ball back in a perfect spiral. When did she learn how to do that? Where did she learn it? Did she want to play catch more than she let on? So many questions.

"That spiral was damned near perfect."

"Ugggh, get a room you two," Brick said.

Adora lobbed the ball towards him causing him to grunt when he caught it. "Actually, that's not a bad idea. We'll be in my office. Just make sure to put the handball back with the others when you're done playing with it."

"Ya, Brick, go play with your balls," Catra said as she followed Adora down the hall. An exasperated sigh from the break room made them both chuckle.

"So, what's up?" Adora asked while shutting her office door. "Not that I don't love seeing you. But I get the feeling this isn't a social call."

"Although I'll take any excuse to visit the lawless wasteland that is the War Department, you're right. I have something that I think you'll be interested in hearing."

Adora walked to her sprawling wooden desk and sat down. A data pad sat slightly askew so she turned it until its edges squared up. All her other papers and datapads were in their correct spots, and the files she'd asked Sunny to put away were gone. Lovely. Clean desk, clear mind.

Instead of joining her, Catra paused by the picture wall. Pictures from all their galactic trips and trophies, like a Stecris sword, lined the wall. As did a few maps she'd collected over the years.

"I can't believe this photo is still here."

"Which one?"

"Only the worst photo of me ever taken," Catra said while pointing to a picture she immediately recognized. During a day hike while on vacation, Adora took out her camera and snapped a photo of her, Catra, and toddler Finn at the end of the day. Finn had been strapped to her chest, and smiled sweetly for the picture. Adora, admittedly, looked cheerful and beautiful in the light of the setting sun. They both looked happy, and invigorated after the long hike. And then there was Catra. She was in the background, hair an absolute mess and sticking out all over the place. Her famous grimace was deeper than Adora had ever seen it, and her eyes blazed with anger. It happened to be the day when everyone learned the benefits of splitting up when an activity didn't suit someone.

"That is actually my favorite picture," Adora said, "Not only does it capture the full range of emotion but your face is so hilarious that I have no choice but to keep it front and center."

"Cruel, so cruel." Catra turned from the picture laden wall and sat down in one of the three chairs in front of Adora's desk.

"It's what I'm known for," Adora said, "So, what can I do for you, Director General?"

"Do you remember when you asked me to check on the Tiriks? Like a week ago?"

"Spirits, that feels like it was months ago."

"I know, right? Long, shitty week we've been having. But anyways, I did some digging. I asked Tensor to look into it as well. And while he's still investigating, I got an interesting recording back from Tirik. Let me play it and then we can discuss."

Adora nodded while Catra set her data pad on her desk and pressed play. "Is this Etheria?" A high voice, rushed and low, said, "Listen, I've got-"

"Hey, who are you talking to?" Another voice interrupted, so distant it was hard to hear, "Is that Etheria?" This time the voice was much closer. "I don't know how she got access to these comm channels."

"Is that it?" Adora asked after silence filled the air.

"That's it."

She drummed her fingers on the desk. "Hmm, very weird. How many times has someone unauthorized used official government channels to contact us?"

"None as long as I've been here," Catra said.

"I thought so. So the first person is probably in their government in some capacity. But what was she trying to say? She clearly says Etheria so it wasn't a butt-dial."

Catra nodded. "I agree, I don't think the first caller was a mistake. And I'm also getting the impression she wasn't supposed to be contacting us. Which makes it worse, I guess."

"Ya," Adora said, "It's hard to say if that was good or bad. Maybe she just wanted to set up a meeting or discuss trade or something. On the other hand, why would someone interrupt and then stop her if it was that mundane?"

"You're saying everything I've been thinking. This combined with their requests for heavy, lethal weaponry doesn't bode well. And I've also been wondering if this has anything to do with the portals."

Adora leaned back in her chair and knit her hands together. "It could be a coincidence, but I'll be the first to admit that all of this hitting at once seems suspicious. And I'm just spitballing here, but what if the Eternians are trying to open portals to Tirik as well and they're trying to prepare for a potential invasion."

"Does Tirik have the PDS?" Catra asked.

"It does not."

"That makes a lot of sense then. But it still doesn't really explain why they haven't reached out for help. And why would someone be trying to contact us in secret?"

"All good questions," Adora said.

"Now we just need some answers."

"Absolutely." Adora put her elbows on the table and buried her face in her hands. "I hate this. All this waiting is killing me. Is it bad that I just want a portal to open so we know what we're dealing with?"

"Be careful what you wish for," Catra warned.

"I know, I know. I just feel like Etheria is screaming at me to do something, be ready, and I'm the only one who can hear it. I just need one teeny, tiny portal to open and then I can prove we're not wasting time and energy on nothing."

"And you want to know more about Eternia."

"And I want to know more about Eternia. But mostly I just want this wait to end. I can feel how freaked out Etheria is, and I know it's making me nervous. Just give me something solid that I can deal with, not this unknown guessing game," Adora said, "Do you think you're gonna be able to look into this more? If not, I'll figure something out."

Would she though?

"Don't worry, I'm all over it."

Adora leaned back with a sigh. "Oh, thank the Spirits. I really had no idea what I was gonna do if you were too busy."

"I am too busy, but I'll make an exception for you."

"You're my favorite wife," Adora said.

"Funny, that's what I say about you," Catra said while standing, "Now come on, I think I've got just the thing to cheer you up."

"Really? I like the sound of that. I haven't smoked in days, you know."

"It's the middle of the day, I was talking about going out for lunch. What are you talking about?"

Oh. So not...alright. "I was talking about lunch too," Adora said while following Catra out the door. "Cigarettes really wash out the taste of food. I have never been more ready for...lunch."

"You were not talking about lunch."

"Okay, maybe not exactly," Adora said, putting up her hands in surrender, "But I am ready for some food. As long as you're buying."

Despite Adora's recommendation that Catra, Brick, Sunny, and herself head for the Moonlight Cafe (she was a regular), they instead went to the slightly more upscale restaurant called, 'The Court.' Instead of Moonlight's cheap, bright red paint, sticky counters, and knicknacks covering every available wall, the Court offered a sensible paint job, tasteful booths, and an atmosphere that screamed much loved and family run. An old guy named Sully, who smoked every second of every day and didn't need a notepad to remember orders, ran the Moonlight. She loved him and his subpar, greasy spoon. But hey, if Catra was buying she was happy enough at The Court.

"I think everyone's staring at you," Adora said to Catra, who was still reading through the menu. Ever since they came in, wait staff and patrons had been throwing them glances.

"Me? They're staring at you, hot stuff."

"Why are they staring at me?"

"It's your uniform, Adora," Brick said, setting down his menu.

"My uniform? Did I spill something on it?" Adora looked down but everything seemed to be in order. Her black belt sat snug around her waist and the matching black strap that connected to her belt and went over one shoulder looked fine. No golden button was missing and her epaulets were fastened down and rank insignia in place.

"It looks fine, that's the issue. I'm gonna be honest with you, you're wearing the fuck outta that uniform," Brick said. Sunny nodded alongside him.

"Really? It's just a uniform. I have a million like it."

"Uh, oh, Catra," Brick said, "Better watch your back if Adora's always looking like this."

"I'm not worried," Catra said as she squeezed Adora's leg under the table.

"Next war, I'll just show up in this and stop it before it even starts," Adora said, placing a hand over Catra's, "No need to outsmart the enemy when I can just seduce them into a ceasefire."

"That's a stupid strategy."

"It kinda worked on you."

"Well, damn, I guess it did," Catra said before returning to the menu. "Those shoulder pads really did it for me."

"So what I'm gathering is that they were war heroes? I mean, we wouldn't have won without them. True heroes of the Rebellion."

Catra laughed and shook her head. "Get that stupid jacket a medal already."

"So you guys were really enemies? Like you actually fought each other?" Sunny asked, "Because that seems hard to believe, with you being so inseparable and all."

"Well, our fights were kinda half-hearted honestly. But, yes, we were enemies. I was with the Rebellion and Catra was with the Horde."

"What our fights lacked in sophistication they made up for in sexiness. And I was with the Evil Horde, as Adora said. And yes, it was shitty of me to be with them. I made a lot of bad choices back then, and there's no excuse for my behaviour."

Sunny nodded before saying, "It's nice to talk with you guys. You don't sugarcoat or sweep things under the rug."

"Thanks for saying that," Catra said, "We've worked hard not to fall into the trap of bad communication. When we were kids, we never talked to anyone about anything. And that's a hard thing to train yourself out of but I think we did alright." Watching Catra get all motherly stirred something in her. Something good.

"You know, I've only got bits and pieces from my Moms but you were both raised in the Evil Horde? How did that work?"

"Not well, my dear Sunny, not well. Our commander slash mom slash abuser was this woman named Shadow Weaver. Now there's a mean old bitch for you," Catra said. Adora interlaced their fingers and Catra gave her a little squeeze. "If you ever take a psychology class, I would be honored to be a case study."

Adora chuckled and said, "Me too. You see, she was always telling me that showing weakness was not becoming conduct of a Horde Officer. And that if I wanted to be Force Captain and then eventually lead the Horde, I had to keep my emotions to myself. So I never talked to anyone about what I was feeling and then I kinda stopped recognizing my own emotions. As you may have guessed, this is a recipe for a communication trainwreck. But I've tried to be better about that."

"You are," Catra said, turning to smile at her. "As for me, I was told that I didn't matter and who would listen to my thoughts and feelings anyways? So I never shared much of what was going on with me. And that led to my own inability to communicate properly. I'm also trying to unlearn all those lessons and be better, but I guess the jury's still out on that one."

"Actually, the jury just came back in and said, 'You're doing great.' So no beating up on yourself."

"Always my strongest supporter," Catra said while squeezing her hand three times, "But ya, we had a pretty loveless childhood. I'm glad you avoided that, Sunny. And you too, Brick." Both Sunny and Brick nodded slowly as if they were processing Catra's words. Perhaps they'd never considered what it would be like to have parents that pushed them too hard or told them they didn't matter. And in all honesty, they'd probably never truly get it. And thank the Spirits for that.

"Well, it wasn't entirely devoid of love." She brought Catra's hand up and kissed her knuckles.

"That's true." Catra narrowed her eyes, and blinked slowly at her.

"Uuugh, I can't believe I'm gonna have to tell you two to get a room twice in one day," Brick groaned.

"Ya, ya, smartass." Catra ripped her gaze from Adora, "But all that being said, I don't wanna give you the impression that I'm trying to legitimize what I did in the Horde. It was pretty fucked up. No other way to put it. And I made a lot of mistakes."

"Hey, we both made mistakes," Adora said. For all their talk about how Adora couldn't recognize her good qualities, the same was true for Catra. She brought so much light to everyone's life, why couldn't she see that?

Brick coughed and said, "But Catra," cough, "made more," cough. He grinned at Catra in his boyish, charming way and all annoyance peeled off her. Catra happened to be open to discussing her role in the Horde, and never got particularly upset if someone criticized her or her choices. And judging by the look on her face, she wasn't upset by Brick's comment.

"Dickhead Alert," Sunny said while placing a plastic baggy on the table stuffed with coins and bills.

Adora laughed and said, "I can't believe you brought the Dickhead Bag."

"I'm sorry, the what?" Catra asked.

"When Brick is being a Dickhead, which happens to be a lot, he has to put money in the bag," Sunny explained.

"What even happens in the Lawless Wasteland? I was under the impression that you all were working, but maybe that was a stupid assumption."

"Ya, that is a stupid assumption," Adora said, "Now pay up, Brick." He grumbled under his breath but put a couple of coins in the bag.

"What do you even do with all that money?" Catra asked. "After the bag is full."

"It's a secret."

"You were gonna do something stupid like throw a pizza party for the Department, weren't you?" Brick said.

"No." That was exactly what she planned to do. "It's something much cooler. It'll blow your mind."

Catra studied her face for a moment before she broke out into a smile. "That's exactly what you were gonna do, isn't it?"

"No, absolutely not." Catra stared. "I wasn't. It was gonna be a...I was gonna...So, the circus-"

Everyone at the table started to laugh, and Adora had little choice but to join in. It sucked to be read like a book by literally all her friends. Maybe she needed to tone down her facial expressions. Or maybe her voice gave her away?

"Actually, I think she planned to pay off her mistress with that money," Brick said, "Here's some coins to keep everything hush hush and perhaps to hire a bodyguard in case the wife ever finds out."

She made direct eye contact with Sunny, who sent her a sympathetic look. It wasn't easy being the butt of the joke, but someone had to do it. And, admittedly, Adora was pretty good at it.

"Keep acting like an ass, Brick, because I got three mistresses I gotta take care of."

"Three?" Catra said, "You don't even know when people are flirting with you. Trust me, I would know."

"Is everyone ready to order?" Their waitress asked as she walked up to their table.

"I think so," Adora said, "I'll have the sun chicken with extra chicken, please."

The waitress glanced up from her notepad and then lingered on Adora. She gave her a once over while one eyebrow ticked upwards. "You look like someone who needs a little extra protein in their life," she said while scribbling the order down.

"Oh, absolutely."

"And for you?" She asked Catra, not bothering to look up.

"The ekindu, please."

"Good choice. And what can I do for you?"

"Can I please get the dragon fruit salad?"

"Yes, you can. And for you?"

"The moon rabbit, please."

"Okay, I got it all down," the waitress said. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and bit her lip. "So, I hope this isn't too forward, but my shift gets off at nine. After that, do you wanna come back to mine for some coffee?" She asked, eyes locked on Adora's.

"Sorry, I don't drink caffeine after one o'clock. I'll never sleep, you know?"

"Oh well, we probably aren't gonna be doing that much sleeping."

"But I need my sleep?" Adora said. The waitress gave her a weird look before walking away. What was that all about? Was she being too rude? She didn't mean to be.

"Huh, that was odd," Adora said, "Anyways, what were we talking about?"

"How you don't know when someone is flirting with you," Catra said.

"Right. I do know when someone is flirting with me, thank you very much. And you know what–"

Sunny burst out laughing, followed closely by Brick and Catra. They all laughed so hard they cried. What did she miss? In the past she'd try to join in and pretend like she knew what everyone was laughing about but that only made things worse. So she opted to sit there silently, and take it.

"You know when someone is flirting with you, huh?" Catra said, eyes still streaming with tears, "Did you notice our waitress was flirting with you?"

"She wasn't flirting, she just wanted coffee and a chat." This, of course, only made all three fall into further fits of laughter.

"She didn't want coffee," Brick said, "She wanted you out of that uniform, and in her bed."

"Good Lord. How do you know she wasn't being nice?"

"Nice? Nice? There's nice and then there's rip you out of your uniform, and throw you on the bed nice." Alright, now she knew without a doubt they were messing with her. And she could give as good as she got.

"Maybe she was just trying to be polite. She could be from Thaymor, you know. Those people are always so polite."

"So if she kissed you, would you think that's polite?" Brick asked.

"What kind of kiss we talking here? On the mouth? That could be friendly, there's lots of places where people greet each other with a kiss."

"Oh, ya? How many people slip the tongue as a greeting?"

"Wait, you guys aren't doing that?" Adora said. She stroked her chin in contemplation. "Is that why I have so many friends?" This made all three laugh, and she settled back into the seat with a grin. She patted Catra's hand and said, "All I gotta say is thank the Spirits you kissed me in the Heart. If it were up to me to initiate, I think the universe would've just exploded."

"You know, I'm pretty pleased with that decision as well." They looked at each other and things felt okay. Better than they had been in the last few days...Maybe Brick had a point about them being too much in public.

"As much as I dislike you, I will admit that the way you look at Adora is very sweet," Brick said, obviously relishing in his interruption, "You look at her like she put the stars in the sky."

"Actually," Adora said while flipping her hair over one shoulder.

"Here we go," Catra muttered.

"Not to brag or anything but I..." she chuckled, "...I did put the stars in the sky. Literally."

"Oh, we know," Brick said.

"How'd you do it?"

"Sunny, do not stroke her ego."

"I am so glad you asked." Adora stretched an arm across Catra's shoulders and pulled her closer. She swept the other arm across the table, hoping to set the scene. "The year was 908 and I'd just shattered my sword…"