"So, how long does it take at this school before you get offered something? Like an audition." Tori mused. She'd been at the school for five months now and she'd kind of, well, expected to have some big break. She'd been in a fair few productions by now, even some that were attended by critics her teachers had nervously pointed out in the crowd, but as of yet she hadn't received any invitations for anything outside of school.
"Uhh, I don't know. It's different for everyone." Beck replied.
"Yeah, it took me like a year, but Beck here got one in about two weeks." Andre rolled his eyes.
Beck blushed. "Sometimes they're for someone who looks or sounds a particular way and you just happen to fit their description, that's all. Other times, they're not even looking for you and you can blow them away, the latter being what fifteen-year-old Andre did."
Now it was Andre's turn to blush. "Beck's being kind - I didn't even get the part."
Beck shook his head, grinning at his friend's modesty.
"The best thing you can do is get yourself on stage and in the picture. There's no such thing as bad publicity." Andre continued.
"If you say so." Tori replied glumly. "It just feels like I'm not getting anywhere. And, I don't know, I thought when I came here that kids would be off school every other day on sets or at auditions, but it's not even just me - none of us have had anything recently."
"I actually got offered an audition for tonight. Alyssa pulled some strings for her dad and got me into the casting for this new teen show coming up."
"No way, that's amazing, man." Andre exclaimed, with Tori offering similar congratulations.
"Nah, I was just using it as an example of the opportunities that will come for Tori. In reality, I can't even go." Beck grimaced. "I told Sikowitz I'd run an after school acting workshop for some elementary school kids and he won't let me back out of it. Something about ensuring I'm 'fulfilling my responsibilities.'"
"Even though it's an audition you want to skip it for?" Tori asked, surprised. Sikowitz was usually pretty supportive when it came to that kind of thing.
"Yup. He said he can't make an exception for one or he'd have to make it for everyone." Beck shrugged, returning his attention to his pizza.
"Hey, is Jade okay with you being in contact with Alyssa?" Andre asked, concerned more for the former than Beck.
Beck tilted his head. "She's cool with it. At the end of the day, it's just work and Alyssa knows I have a girlfriend. The reality is that, in the industry, you need these kind of connections."
The lack of eye contact from Beck combined with the unbelievability of his words made Tori really doubt the truth of what he was saying.
"Hey, you know, I could probably fill in for you tonight, if Sikowitz is okay with that?" Tori suggested, helpfully.
"You could?" Beck asked, his head shooting up.
"Yeah." Tori shrugged. "I don't have plans tonight and I'd be happy to help out."
"Tori that'd be amazing." Beck grinned, pulling her into a hug. Tori felt as though she was being enveloped in warm honey and healed from all her problems all at once. Beck's arms were firm, but the material of his shirt was soft, and he smelled like freshness. She could only stop herself from visibly pining when the hug ended all too soon.
"Honestly, that's so kind of you, I'm so grateful. I promise I'll make it up to you." Beck said, never breaking eye contact.
Tori sure hoped he did.
As usual, however, her less-than-moral daydreams were interrupted by the sight of the girl who would crush her into oblivion should she be privy to Tori's inner thoughts.
Jade stalked over, all fiery red hair streaks and piercing looks, for once without a coffee in hand. Cat bounced alongside her, having to make a greater effort to keep up with her friend's long stride. Jade held a textbook in front of her which the pair were eagerly studying, occasionally pointing at different places on the page. As per usual, Jade appeared visibly irked.
"Everything alright?" Beck asked, extending a hand to rest on Jade's arm as he sensed some tension.
"Yeah, just talking about the Vietnam assignment for Melston." Jade explained, leaning into Beck's touch.
"Wasn't that due in last week?" Tori asked. She was in the same history class as Jade, and knew for a fact that the assignment was due in last Thursday, because she'd handed it in three days early to a shining grin off the prematurely balding Mr Melston.
"Yeah, I got an extension." Jade replied, not looking up at Tori despite not having any food in front of her to attract her focus.
"Isn't that like the third extension this month you've had?" Tori questioned. She wasn't trying to be rude, honestly. She was just curious as to the kind of relationship Jade had with her teachers. She couldn't imagine the girl opposite her, currently stabbing a fork into Beck's empty polystyrene container, could garner a pearly smile off Mr Melston.
"Got a problem with that, Vega?" Jade asked, this time looking up from her violent task.
Tori shrunk back timidly at the sight of Jade's furious glare. She wasn't sure why Jade had a vendetta against everyone and everything, sure of her unfair treatment, when in reality, she was getting handouts on the regular.
"You getting on okay with the assignment?" Beck asked. "I did mine last week. I can help if you're stuck."
"I'm not stuck. It'll take me 10 minutes to do - I just don't have 10 minutes." Jade huffed, pulling herself away from Beck's arm. Clearly, she did not appreciate her intelligence being questioned.
"I could grab Toby this weekend so you can do it?" Beck suggested but Jade merely shook her head.
"I have to have it in by tomorrow." She sighed. "You got time tonight?"
"No sorry, I've got that audition." Beck replied, with genuine remorse.
Jade frowned. "I thought you couldn't make it."
"I shifted some things around, made it work." Beck replied.
"Oh, right." Jade replied, her reservedness out of character. However, she knew that if she allowed herself to say anything further it would only be words of frustration. For some reason, Beck having a life really got on her nerves these days.
"I can still take him this weekend though - you could maybe catch up on the rest of the work you have?" Beck suggested as a compromise.
"Yeah, thank you." Jade replied, attempting a genuine smile.
Beck kissed her on the temple in response. "Of course."
If Jade saw the name Ho Chi Minh one more time, she thought she might just have to throw herself out of her window. Six hours into a mammoth revision and homework battle and her head ached, her eyelids drooped, and her stomach was creating its own audible symphony.
She hadn't eaten a proper meal, that is, something with more than two components, or on a plate, in about four days. Her stomach made no secret of its disapproval of her diet of dry bread, chips and coffee in that time frame, but what could she do? School meals were added up to over 100 dollars per month, and, unlike every single one of her peers, the expectation was that she provided that for herself.
The reality was that she couldn't afford food at school, and she couldn't afford the time at home, or at least this is what she told herself. The reality might instead have been that her hand hung on her doorknob every time David called everyone downstairs for dinner, but the pang in her stomach never quite felt bad enough to outweigh the nausea at the thought of another family meal at which she was ridiculed and insulted. She might have lost her reputation and respect and love, but she still had her pride. And blood or not, she could no longer look those people in the eye.
She knew that things were bad, that they were the worst they had ever been. It had got to the point where Jade couldn't even deny this fact to herself.
Sure, she'd never got on with her family, but as awful as spending time with them had been, she'd done it for the sake of normalcy or even sustenance.
Now she couldn't even bring herself to do that.
The problem was that she was stuck - she had no job, no money, nowhere for both her and Toby go, and it all boiled down to the fact that she had no pillars in her life.
She supposed that when she was younger she didn't have the capacity to contemplate that. She simply thought it was normal for parents to argue over who has to turn up for parent's evening (it is ungodly boring after all), or never tell her they loved her, or tell her that there were no spaces at the extra-curricular she begged to join, whilst her siblings always seemed to find a place. It was only with the emotional intelligence of a sixteen-year-old that she could now recognise the heartbreaking reality of the child too little to realise that most parents didn't lock their four-year-old's bedroom at night so that she couldn't sneak into their bed after a bad dream. Luke was eight and he still traipsed out of his parent's room more often than not.
But by sixteen, Jade had grown out of bad dreams. It was hard to fear anything at night when her days consisted of most people's worst nightmares.
She tried, truly, not to be ungrateful for the people who were actually there for her. Beck, for example, had always been her pillar, but Toby had undeniably changed their relationship. She'd always appreciated the fact that he was the one and only person who did, and probably would ever, prioritise her as their number one favourite, most trusted and most cared for person. But now Toby was his priority, which was fine, honestly - he was her's too. Nevertheless, whilst Beck had his parents to lean on, a couple who would always seek to protect and nurture their only child, Jade had only ever had Beck, and their child's arrival just reminded her that she would never be unconditionally and solidly someone's number one priority.
She could only ever be everyone's collateral damage.
In fact, the only people who seemed to be constantly aware of her were her teachers, who refused to let her and her constantly late assignments slip through the cracks. This was visibly represented by the huge pile of textbooks clustering her desk. She could only be thankful that Beck was taking Toby for the entire weekend so that she could hopefully wipe all of that out. She knew that she shouldn't feel grateful for a father doing his share, but ultimately she does, a change from the spite she's felt towards Beck lately.
She needs this. She knows she needs this, and the thought of two whole days to catch up on the physical mountain of work, as well as maybe, just maybe, some time to herself to sleep, if nothing else... it was simply euphoric.
Almost on cue, she felt the negative thoughts swimming back. She knew the only way she could actually get anything done was if she put the inevitable anxiety of Toby's health to the back of her mind. Perhaps if she didn't anticipate it she wouldn't in fact spend every waking minute wondering whether or not he was still alive.
Jade really should've expected it. Good things - actually scratch that, mediocre things - just didn't seem to be sticking around for her these days. So when Beck called up with a slight apprehension in his greeting, she knew what was about to hit her, and it didn't take long to reveal itself.
"Baby, I know I said I would take Toby this weekend, but it's actually good news. The audition from earlier in the week have asked me to come back on Saturday and Sunday."
"Both days?"
"Yeah, I think they want to screen test me with some of the other potential actors."
"And they need you for both days?"
"Uh, yeah, that's what they said."
"Beck, I really needed this weekend to catch up on things." Jade whined, feeling any chance of relaxation slipping away.
"But they called me back, babe, I can't not go."
"Beck you know you can't keep doing this. He's your son too. I can't handle everything - it's killing me."
"Jade, it's one audition."
"It's always just one audition! Or one extra shift, or one unannounced family visit! So it's never just one fucking thing, is it?"
"Out of all people, I thought you'd be understanding about this. I never thought that you'd be like this with me."
"I would be understanding if you were more understanding about how this affects me!"
"I thought it was about Toby?"
"It is! It always is! But things affect him through me!"
"So, what are you saying? That I should miss this callback? That I shouldn't go for auditions in case it takes me away from you guys?"
Jade groaned, a furious, animal edge to her voice. "You don't get it at all, Beck."
Beck laughed, caustically. "Jade, I'm the only one that gets it. We both know how important it is to create a good future for Toby. That's why I'm doing this."
"Sure, not because you want to rub shoulders with Alyssa Vaughn and put a shine on your own name."
"Are you being serious?" Beck asked, incredulously. "You are so bitter that you don't even want to see me do well."
"Of course I'm fucking bitter Beck! Your life has gone on as normal whilst I have to dedicate every second of the day that I'm not at school to catching up on the life that is constantly passing me by!"
"Jade, I have to go to this call-back." Beck said, simply ignoring everything she'd just said.
Jade sighed. "You've clearly already made up your mind. Just go - it's not like I need the sleep or the time to work or anything important like that."
"The two aren't mutually exclusive you know."
And that's what Beck simply didn't understand. If he went to the call-back, then she couldn't sleep or work, that was the reality. It shouldn't have been, but it was. So, it really wasn't that she didn't want him to go to the call-back - if anything, they really did need the money that Beck securing the part would bring them - but more than that she just needed the time. Time to catch up and refresh before her life toppled in on itself.
"Sure."
"Jade, I want this to be something we agree on, not something I feel like I'm doing against your wishes."
i.e. he wanted to have things his way without having to feel bad about it.
"I mean you're going, what do you want me to say?"
"I-" Beck sighed. "I don't know. Good luck maybe? We're supposed to be a team, Jade."
"Well then good luck, teammate." Jade replied, gritting her teeth. "Break a fucking leg."
"Jade-"
But she'd hung up before he could say another grating word.
Jade's head almost immediately dipped into her hands, hot tears spiking at the corners of her eyes. She knew she couldn't look over at Toby, or they would spill over, but once the thought was in her mind, she simply couldn't help herself.
She walked over to the crib and saw inside the most precious thing in her world, the innocent little boy that she kept failing, entertaining himself with a purple stuffed giraffe.
For the remaining hour that she stayed up, Jade relentlessly tried to finish her Vietnam assignment, but found that it's impossible to work when your vision is blurred and tears make your pen ink run.