His calloused fingers brushed my skin lightly, up and down my arm, each pass eliciting more goosebumps. It was a distantly familiar feeling, as if I had felt something like this long ago and was reawakened to it years later.

"Bella…"

I turned my head towards the sound, towards a man standing behind me with his strong arms wrapped around my waist. His muscular torso was pressed against my back as he buried his face in my neck. My eyes were closed, taking in the sound, smell, and feel of the mystery man. My hand snaked up to feel thick, shaggy hair, then lightly traced down a strong jawline.

"Mmm…" the man moaned at my touch. His voice was deep and inviting. I breathed in his scent, a mix of pine, sandalwood, and…cooking oil?

I opened my eyes and turned around to see Jacob Black standing in his apron in the middle of the Fetta di Calabria kitchen.

I bolted upright out of the nightmare, gasping and sweating. But it didn't feel like a nightmare, at least not until I turned around and saw who it was. Really, it felt like the beginning of the dreams I used to have when Edward and I first got together. Dream me was looking forward to seeing what sexy paths I might go down. And then…jump scare!

I made a mental note to bring this up to Gemma at our next session. These mental notes were really starting to pile up.

Thankfully today I had a planned coffee date with Alice, so I knew we would end up discussing this dream. As I drove to meet her, I reflected on all the things going on in my mind: the sudden break-up with Edward, the lingering trauma from the attack, re-connecting with Alice after such a long period of silence, and, most recently, the reemergence of Jacob Black in my life. How could one person possibly handle all these things at once? Not to mention, my prolonged absence from work was starting to hurt financially. I was lucky enough to have parents who were able to help, and every time I saw Alice she managed to sneak money into my purse or coat. I hated feeling dependent on anyone, and I needed to figure out a way to pay the bills without their assistance. I wasn't quite ready to go back to work yet.

I walked into the coffee shop and saw Alice was already inside at our usual table, two drinks in front of her, a matcha for me and a chai for her.

"Hi Bella!!" she waved, entirely too enthusiastically for 9am.

"Hi, Alice," I responded groggily.

"Bella, it's 9am, how are you still sleepy?"

"Well, if you must know, I didn't sleep much after I woke up from this crazy dream."

"Oh? Do tell."

If there was anyone to discuss this with, it was my best friend.

"Okay, but first you need some context."

"I'm all ears," she said, grinning ear to ear. My heart swelled at the normalcy that had returned for our relationship.

"So, I went to that group for trauma survivors that my therapist suggested and guess who I saw there."

"Hmm….Jacob Black?"

"WHAT?? How did you know??"

"Wait you did?! I don't know I just pulled a name out that would be totally crazy!"

"Yes! He was there. I wanted to bolt but the group started just as he arrived, and I felt kind of stuck there."

"What was his trauma?"

I paused, considering. "I don't think I should say. It feels wrong."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Fine. Did you talk to him? What happened?"

"We mostly just avoided each other's gaze throughout the hour. But after group ended, I just went over to him at the refreshment table."

"Woah! I hope you gave him a piece of your mind."

"Not really. It was super awkward. But get this: he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere else to talk…"

"NO! Bella, I hope you didn't go anywhere with that dirtbag."

I bit my lip, which gave Alice her answer.

"Isabella, tell me you didn't hook up with him!"

"NO! Nothing like that. We went to a coffee shop, and he said he wanted to apologize for the way he acted. He gave me more context for his behavior, but made it clear it wasn't an excuse, and he just wanted to make amends. He also apologized for being a selfish lover."

"Oooohh the boy has self-awareness, finally!"

"The rest of the night we just sort of caught up, some small talk, and then went our separate ways."

"Okay, so how are you feeling about it now?"

Again, I bit my lower lip in thought, mulling over that question.

"Honestly, Alice? His demeanor was so different that night. He seemed like a totally different person, like he did a 180. He was humble, kind, and respectful. So, I felt pretty good when I left him that night."

Alice looked at me, sensing there was more. "You say you felt good. What about now? Has anything changed?"

I blushed, looked down at the matcha latte cooling in my hands, and said, "Well, I had sort of a sexy dream about him last night."

"SHUT UP!" Alice yelled, much too loudly, because several tables looked over at us in disgust.

"Alice, please be chill."

"Yes, I'm totally chill. Sorry. But seriously, Bella? Spill the details! I'm desperate for something sexy. Jasper has been out of town a lot lately and I need to live vicariously through your dreams!"

Alice and Jasper, her boyfriend of about 6 months, met at a restaurant where they both happened to be stood up by other dates and have been inseparable ever since. Lately he had been traveling for work and she was missing him a lot. Their relationship was so sweet, it made my heart ache, in part because they were adorable and I was happy for my friend, but also because it reminded me of Edward and my relationship before the attack. I yearned for the comfort and excitement of a good relationship.

I shook the thoughts of sadness and longing out of my mind.

"It wasn't even explicit, just kind of a sensual vibe, if that makes sense. At least until I saw his face, then I woke up in a cold sweat."

"Hmm…" Alice paused for a minute, uncharacteristically quiet. "I mean, maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something…"

"Alice, you know I don't believe in that kind of thing. Really, all it means is that I saw Jacob recently, who is a former hook up or sexual partner or whatever, and that's what my dreaming brain spit out. Nothing more."

…Right?

Alice just shrugged. "Whatever you say, Bella."

We finished our drinks over more catching up on what was going on in our lives; for me, that wasn't much. I wished I could sit and chat with Alice all day, but she had to make her way to work. As for me, I felt aimless. Nowhere to go, no one to see.

No one told me taking time off to process my trauma was going to be so lonely. But maybe that was the point of adding the group sessions, to surround myself with people who understood my issues and could help me feel less alone during this time.

And that's when I remembered group was tonight. How did the time pass me by like that? I found myself looking forward to sharing more with the group this week and getting to talk with…new people.

"I guess what I find the hardest is feeling like a burden to others. I've always been able to take care of myself, and those around me, ever since I can remember. So after the attack, it felt like everyone was bending over backwards to take care of me. Like my ex, it was like he looked at me like a fragile doll. But I didn't want to be fragile. I thought I was fine, but I realize now I wasn't. But at the time it was really hard to accept."

The rest of the group nodded, affirming my feelings that I was sharing with a group for the first time.

"Thank you, Bella, for sharing," the group leader, Seth, said. "Does anyone have similar feelings?"

Even more nods.

Another note for Gemma: Discuss my inability to be taken care of.

Other people in the group jumped in, relating to my assessment of myself, and expanding on it with their own experiences. Close to the end of group, Jacob, a few chairs down from me, spoke.

"For me, I struggled with the lack of control I had over the situation. Yet I kept looking back for ways I could have controlled the outcome. What if she didn't have to drive me home from XXXX practice, would she still be alive now? Or maybe if I hadn't been late after practice that night. And on, and on, and on…a million different 'what ifs.'" Jacob looked down at his hands, his strong brow furrowed, and lips curved down in a slight frown. Even after all this time, talking about this seemed to really affect him. "I thought I could control how I was feeling by drinking, but of course that got out of control, too." Jacob glanced in my direction. "I tried to control everyone and everything around me."

Our eyes met briefly, the hurt we were both feeling for different reasons, obvious to the other, written all over our faces. I managed a small, sad, smile, unsure of what else to do, but desperate for a way to make him feel like I heard and understood him.

After group ended, I found myself over at the refreshments table, just like the week before. Now that we had broken the seal of speaking to each other, it only felt natural to debrief together.

"Hey," I said, my heartbeat increasing slightly, "Would you maybe want some better coffee and pastries than what Seth has brought in from the 7-11?"

Jacob grinned his sweet, warm smile, and ran his hands through his dark, shaggy hair. It briefly brought to mind the dream from last night. "Yeah, I'd like that. Same place as last week?"

"Meet you there."

And that's how the next few weeks continued. Jacob and I went for coffee each week after group to debrief, share stories, dive deeper into what we talked about during the session, and catch up. I went to therapy and processed the trauma of the attack and the breakup with Edward. Alice and I got together weekly to make up for all the lost time. Slowly, I started to feel less alone and less…broken. I was getting my life back, and building up relationships lost while I was too deep in my romance with Edward and then the depression, despair, pain, and aftermath of the attack and the breakup. Things finally started to feel, dare I say, normal. It was like I had to remind myself that the Edward part of my life was so short compared to the rest of it. For so long, it felt like the dominating part of my life, like we had been together for years and years, when in reality, I had known him for 6 months of my life. It wasn't as if he never existed, but he was beginning to feel like a distant memory. Finally, I felt like I was turning over a new life, and I was past the worst of this whole thing. The fog was starting to lift, and new possibilities were just on the horizon. I could feel it.