Chapter 5: The Smoldering Ember

As their horses crossed from the meadow to the trees, Elizabeth looked surprisingly somber and deep in thought. Nathan believed he knew what was on her mind since her teasing words about the luggage had immediately reminded him about her trip to Union City with Lucas.

When he saw her expression shift so dramatically, he quickly decided to press on. Especially with all they'd already discussed during their last date, why would he want to be talking about Lucas before they'd even mounted up?

But now, he inwardly sighed, recognizing that as much as he wanted this date to be about their future, there'd naturally still be the occasional twinge from the past that demanded resolution.

Rather than stoking the fire by bringing up Elizabeth's earlier comment, Nathan chose a more compassionate path to open up the conversation.

"Besides trying to find the perfect Christmas tree, here in these woods," he began with a nostalgic smile, "being here with you also reminds me of that terrible wind storm."

Both memories brought a smile to Elizabeth's face—traipsing around in the snow with Nathan and holding his arm as he braved the weather to bring her and Emily to safety. "Yet another example of your impeccable instincts, Constable. Can you imagine if you hadn't come?"

"Well, that was my first introduction to the courage of Hope Valley's teacher. I'm confident you would've found your way without me."

"Maybe so," Elizabeth mused, touched by Nathan's belief in her. But at the time, she remembered…the memories trickling in…admiration certainly wasn't what she felt in the cabin that stormy afternoon. She'd never seen him so upset. Then again, she realized with a degree of astonishment, he'd never cast angry words at her since.

"Nathan," she said thoughtfully, "Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

Her hesitant look told him they'd arrived at the needful conversation. "Of course," he answered, then reassuringly added, "Always."

Her selfless Nathan, Elizabeth thought, warmed instantly by his unconditional love. Even when she'd asked him to go after Lucas, twice, she cringed, he hadn't seemed upset. So why was his response "Always" in that scenario and "What were you thinking?" in the other? They certainly didn't need to spend the whole evening talking about the past, but she wanted to understand why he'd reacted so severely that day … well, she thought, giving him some grace, severely for Nathan, anyway.

"Looking back, why do you think you reacted the way you did in the cabin? Was it about Lucas?" Despite seeking answers, Elizabeth continued on, as if trying to make sense of it herself. "I mean, I thought it was, but we never really talked about it."

"That was some of it," Nathan answered vaguely, needing a minute to figure out how he wanted to approach those feelings. "But if I'm honest, you being out there in that storm made me realize how much I cared about you and worried about you being safe. I came to Hope Valley to protect you, and you rushing out the way you did, without my knowing, really rattled me."

"I'm sorry, Nathan. I truly am. I never meant to worry you. But when I heard Emily call out, I just couldn't risk leaving her alone."

"I know," Nathan said with grace in his eyes. "You're like a mother hen to all of your students, 'Lizbeth. I can't fault you for that. It's one of the first things I loved about you."

Elizabeth exhaled with relief, not realizing she'd been holding her breath. "Well, that's sweet of you to say. They are precious to me, every last one." Thankfully, she already felt lighter from even what they'd been able to share so far. Still, she'd noticed how Nathan shied away from talking about Lucas. So, she gently prodded, "But it seems like my safety wasn't the only thing on your mind."

Nathan paused to gather his thoughts. "No, you're right. It wasn't just that."

Elizabeth braced herself for a discussion about her accompanying Lucas to Union City, so she was surprised to discover yet another storm of emotions that contributed to Nathan's outburst.

"I was mad at myself, too," Nathan confessed, "For every worry I felt about your safety, I felt double the amount of shame and guilt, knowing that I was falling in love with you."

Though Sergeant and Newton were just out of reach for a handhold, the way Nathan looked at Elizabeth made her feel as though he were holding her, his eyes softly conveying the love behind his words.

Having already talked some about his guilt around Jack's death, Elizabeth chose instead to press what, or rather, who she'd always believed to be the central source of his anger.

"And Lucas?"

Nathan answered cautiously, trying to navigate how to tell Elizabeth he'd been mad at her. "It was less about Lucas, to be honest, and more about that Union City date."

Elizabeth seethed inside for a split second, surprisingly triggered even all these years later. For the final time, it was not a date.

But having understood upon her return just how much it had been perceived as a date, certainly by Nathan, and, unfortunately, by Lucas as well, Elizabeth willingly held herself accountable for having been so horribly insensitive to Nathan's feelings at the time.

"Nathan, I owe you a dozen apologies for my decision to go," Elizabeth offered sincerely. "Please know, for me it was entirely about Virginia Woolf. I think you know me well enough now to realize that."

Somehow hearing Elizabeth say the words aloud confirmed what he'd believed all along.

"I did think about what accepting Lucas's invitation might say, both to you and Lucas. I definitely stewed over the decision," she added, wanting him to understand she'd considered his feelings. "I even talked to Rosemary."

Ah, Nathan thought, Rosemary. He internalized a knowing smile. During the past couple of months as he'd come to know Rosemary more personally, he found Elizabeth's best friend all the more endearing—her childlike delight, her feisty tenacity, and her curls that bounced in different rhythms depending on her current emotion.

That being said, Rosemary wasn't exactly a sage of wisdom. In contrast to Abigail's steadiness and seasoned heart, Rosemary tended to be self-driven and spontaneous. In a moment of reflection, Nathan wondered how different his and Elizabeth's course might've been had Abigail been present at the time to guide what he felt ended up being a pivotal choice.

"What did Rosemary say?" Nathan asked. He clearly knew the general answer, but figured he might as well thoroughly dissect this topic and be done with it, once and for all.

Elizabeth glanced over at Nathan with apologetic eyes and a face scrunched up in a pout, clear evidence of her remorse. "She told me not to think about either of you and only myself. 'What do you want to do?' she asked me."

"Ah, I see." Though Nathan spoke only a few frugal words, Elizabeth wasn't privy to the thought he chose not to express, 'Somehow that doesn't surprise me.' But, Nathan saw no reason to assign blame or rehash all the drama that descended in the aftermath of Elizabeth's rash decision. He simply knew this topic needed further discussion, for both of them to find peace with the past.

"So I went," Elizabeth said simply, as if describing an inconsequential stop at the mercantile.

Then, what she spoke next surprised Nathan, so much so that a twinge of the past hurt unexpectedly clutched at his heart.

With an unintentional air of nostalgia, Elizabeth added, "And it was the most magical night I'd had since … well, honestly, since that day of Christmas festivities with you."

Before she'd even finished her last words, Elizabeth noticed the clarity in Nathan's blue eyes cloud over. Horrified at the obvious miscommunication surrounding her comments, she immediately flooded him with an explanation. Having just told him that for her that night was all about Virginia Woolf, what she'd described naturally referred to that event.

"Oh, Nathan. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to…" Elizabeth shook her head lightly as if to brush away how flustered she felt in not making her point more clear. "What I mean to say is … the reasons why it was a magical night aren't what you'd expect. I only said that to show you that what I enjoyed most about that excursion had nothing to do with Lucas."

Though Nathan needed further explanation, he did believe her. After all, Elizabeth's steadfast love these past months had rebuilt the trust that had understandably been shattered during those messy years. Still, he appreciated her rapid-fire response the moment she'd realized her choice of words had conveyed an unintended message.

Having apologized for her jumbled thoughts, Elizabeth returned to the nostalgia of that night, her eyes emitting increasing light after each word she spoke. "Dressing up…going to dinner…attending a cultural event, especially one so dear to my heart …" she recalled, enraptured by the memory, "... It all connected me back to what I loved most about Hamilton. It'd been a long time since I'd been home, or seen my family. I just loved feeling enveloped in that memory of my childhood."

When Elizabeth glimpsed a soft smile from Nathan in her periphery, a rush of gratitude overwhelmed her in feeling understood.

Plus," Elizabeth admitted with a guilty glance at Nathan. "It gave me twenty four hours to think about me and only me. That may sound selfish, but being a single parent to a baby was definitely taking its toll, even if that baby was the cutest little bundle of joy." Just the thought of Little Jack brought a smile to Elizabeth's face. But, her eyes searched out Nathan's hoping that the new clarity she'd come to love in his gaze had returned.

Nathan's look said it all. His eyes were filled with affection and empathy, as a man who knew the challenging and isolating path of parenting alone.

Nathan edged Newton closer to Sergeant, needing even just a single touch to assure Elizabeth he understood, that he loved her, and that he'd long since forgiven her. Besides, at the mention of Little Jack, how could his heart not melt for this family that was becoming his own?

Considering both horses carried several bags behind their saddles, widening their girth, there was still quite a gap to allow for Nathan's gesture. But, he reached out his hand, anyway, hopeful that between the two of them they could span the distance. Elizabeth switched Sergeant's reins to her outside hand in order to stretch out her arm closest to Nathan. Once their hands briefly met, their fingers wanted nothing more than to entwine and hold fast to one another.

It wasn't exactly logical to ride horses while holding hands, though. Yet, if it were actually possible in this situation, Nathan and Elizabeth may have attempted it. Newton and Sergeant, however, were already resisting the proximity, feeling especially crowded with their extra load. So, before cutting this affectionate connection short, Nathan squeezed his love into Elizabeth's hand, as she took special care to do the same.

Elizabeth had grown from her mistakes. Her deep gratitude for Nathan's grace and patience with her worst self drove her to approach their relationship differently than she had in the past. Rather than digging down into her old ways—repeatedly leaning on her excuses of fear and loss, expecting everyone, including Nathan, to turn a blind eye to her poor behavior—she moved this current conversation into new territory, a place where she held herself accountable for the pain caused by one of her many selfish decisions.

"Regardless of what that night meant to me … merely on a personal level," she added, referring to the baby break and the city's sheen, "I felt the deepest regret when I realized what my actions had changed between us. Nathan, when you passed by me on the street with Allie, and I saw that sparkle in your eyes gone …"

Remembering the emptiness in Nathan's gaze pierced her even now. "I would've taken it back if I could, Virginia Woolf and all, even my signed copy. Not one single second of that night was worth the hurt I caused you."

Knowing Sergeant could manage on his own, Elizabeth's entire focus turned to Nathan. She no longer watched the path, but instead looked only at him with eyes pleading for a response. At this point, what Elizabeth hoped from this conversation wasn't forgiveness. She knew Nathan's selfless heart had gifted her that grace long ago. Her eyes instead longed to see any sign of acceptance in Nathan's demeanor that he knew she'd deeply valued his heart at the time, even if her actions had shown otherwise.

"Thank you, 'Lizabeth. Hearing you say that means more than you could know, " Nathan replied with a warm smile, his eyes revealing that Elizabeth's hopeful attempt had been a success. Although none of this information was particularly new to Nathan, it was healing to know that all it took was Elizabeth meeting his eyes to regret her decision.

"I'd never meant to make a statement," Elizabeth explained, furthering her apology, "but once I returned, I could see how it looked from your perspective."

Elizabeth's words instantly transported Nathan back in time, the night he'd knocked on her door to apologize. He knew he'd been out of line for the words he'd thrown at Elizabeth while waiting for the storm to pass. For who he'd always strived to be, withholding an apology for losing his temper was unthinkable. And he'd already let far too much time pass, mired in a mess of emotions tied to that Union City date.

It wasn't that his opinion about the date had changed, though he at least acknowledged it was the spark that set off his reaction toward Elizabeth. But if the kindling hadn't already been piling up, rooted in his deepening love for her, he wouldn't have erupted the way he did.

Nathan rarely got that upset, though he definitely was noticing a pattern, thinking more recently of how rattled he'd felt watching Elizabeth forced by gunpoint up the saloon stairs as a hostage.

In a lighthearted tone that belied his thoughts, Nathan chuckled helplessly and said, "There aren't too many times I lose control of my emotions, 'Lizbeth, but it does seem, my love, that you're the common denominator." He cast a mock accusatory gaze her way.

Elizabeth released a sound that was half laugh, half groan. "I'm not sure that's such a good thing!" Then, taking the gravity of their conversation into consideration, she shifted to a more serious tone. "I'm sorry for my poor judgment, Nathan. I got wrapped up in the excitement of a city escape and didn't give enough weight to what I knew my heart was trying to tell me about how you'd feel."

The words Elizabeth spoke rang with clarity they hadn't yet attained in this critical conversation, striking at the heart of what had troubled him most. Until that moment Nathan hadn't realized just how much he'd needed that particular apology. He understood saying sorry once you knew you'd hurt someone. That was meaningful, of course.

But, in this case, Elizabeth's apology cut to the core of why he'd lost control in such a rare explosion, the hurt and anger of her decision smoldering inside him until she fanned the ember by having the audacity to ask him, "What's wrong?" Then, when he tried to brush off the question, she stoked the fire by pressing him in an almost accusatory tone, "If there is something on your mind, please just say it." And that was it. He erupted. But thanks to his training, he managed to pull off a surprisingly measured reaction, far lighter than the storm that raged inside him.

So, the apology Elizabeth had just given meant the world to him, a testament to how far they had come in their ability to speak not just with their eyes, but with their hearts. She acknowledged that her behavior was the real problem—that she'd ignored her better judgment, and gone through with the date, even when he knew she must've had some idea of how it would hurt him.

Yet, Nathan recognized his part in it too—his bristly outburst at the cabin when Elizabeth had only been trying to release the tension, unsure of how to bridge the chasm between them. It was seeing the shock in her eyes that left him most ashamed. But, over time, they'd learned so much more about how to truly communicate. And, truth be told, it was Elizabeth who'd shown him how to let his walls down.

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Author's Notes:

Thanks for reading! I appreciated Nathan beginning to get some resolution on what became such a pivotal and hurtful choice on Elizabeth's part. One more chapter to go in this release. So read on through Chapter 6 … It dives deep, but trust that Nathan and Elizabeth have learned to work through their deepest wounds together.