Chapter 6: You Matter to Me
Meandering through the woods, Elizabeth let Sergeant take the lead, her eyes flitting between the trail and Nathan. He'd been silent longer than she'd expected, especially after her apology. With his gaze fixed downward on the trail and his brow furrowed, she could tell he'd fallen into deep thought.
Unlike that Christmas years ago, she now knew he would eventually share what was on his mind. As she waited for him to respond, she thought back on the past few months—the simple, significant moments that had brought them here: riding side by side, heading off into the wild woods for unknown adventures, well, hopefully known to Nathan anyway.
As Elizabeth had suspected, Nathan was deep in thought, revisiting this event from the past that still carried an unanticipated gravity. Elizabeth's reference to an overnight date, meant only as a tease in light of the horses laden with luggage, had unexpectedly triggered a shared memory. Neither anticipated spending the first hour of their priceless alone time drawn back to the heartache from a disastrous decision made four years earlier. But here they were.
When Nathan dug deep, his anger that day at the cabin wasn't only directed at Elizabeth, but at Lucas, and even himself. With so much kindling piling up before he'd learned from Allie about this overnight date, the risk of a flame was inevitable. So, he'd deliberately done a lot of writing that week, filling his journal pages to cope with the turmoil inside him.
He knew Colleen would've been proud, having given him the journal for that very purpose. She'd seen how her brother shut down his emotions to survive and hoped he might otherwise write his feelings if he wasn't willing to share them. For Colleen, her journal had been her lifeline during her childhood, and she hated seeing the sweet, open-hearted boy she remembered become a hardened, guarded man, all due to the harsh hand of circumstance..
On that tumultuous day, when Nathan led Elizabeth and Emily into the cabin, away from the storm, he was surprised to feel not relief but an intensifying anger. Even having already poured his emotions into several journal entries, enough heartache apparently still lingered, thinly veiled beneath a layer of animosity. No matter how much kindling Nathan thought he'd removed, there was enough for the spark of the Union City date to ignite into a flame of frustration, especially when Elizabeth's haughty attitude seemed to accuse him for the distance that had settled between them.
As he'd looked through his journal for entries to share on their date, he'd skimmed through some rough stretches, including the pages he'd filled during that stormy week. Those entries were still written in his heart as much as they were on paper, and he reflected now on which thoughts he could share to help bring their hearts to full resolution.
First, he wrote about his anger toward Lucas.
I'm so livid I could spit fire. Flowers to an overnight date! Really Lucas? That shows zero propriety and a blatant lack of respect for Elizabeth. That man has no boundaries and is entirely self serving. Elizabeth is a widow! Showing any intent to court her needs to be gentle, kind, and taken at her own pace. Then there's Lucas with his pushy, flashy ways. What the hell is he even wanting? A wife or a trophy? He may put on a good show in the short term, manipulating others with his shady smile and sweet talking, but through the years I don't see Lucas putting Elizabeth first. He isn't even now! Once a scoundrel, always a scoundrel! If he had any honor, he would've offered those tickets to Elizabeth and a friend, and simply asked to hear how it was when she returned.
Then, there was the resentment he felt toward Elizabeth.
What infuriates me the most is the way Elizabeth seems to willfully blind herself to the truth. Lucas and I both stopped by the schoolhouse to see her yesterday morning, literally back to back, only seconds apart. In the simplest of terms: my visit was caring, his was calculating. With so little time in between, how could she not tell the difference? With Elizabeth, I've always come from a place of concern and genuine affection, while anything Lucas does seems driven by a hidden agenda. The man gave Elizabeth a damn library! My guess is he's silently parading around as if he's a fan of Virginia Woolf having never even read a page of her work. Elizabeth is a teacher! How has she not seen through his facade? But that's just it. For whatever reason, I think she's choosing not to, and brushing the truth aside.
I've seen Elizabeth's instincts at work. They're sharper than some Mounties', even. So, deep down, I have to believe Elizabeth knew well enough what accepting Lucas's invitation would mean, to me as well as to that snake of a man. So, as bothered as I am by Lucas, I'm just blindsided by Elizabeth's choice to go. I could move on, telling myself that what I thought she might be feeling for me is all in my head. But, when I returned from Cape Fullerton, every town member I came across was walking on eggshells around me, even Lee and Rosemary! If they all felt awkward for me, clearly there's something there between the two of us that others are seeing, too.
Elizabeth had to have known this would affect me. The fact that it all felt so secretive cuts deeper, too, more than I want to admit to myself. I trusted her instincts and mine, that there was something very real growing between us; and now, I'm questioning everything—like the trust I'd given her was misplaced, or worse, maybe never even shared.
As if the anger toward Elizabeth and Lucas hadn't been overwhelming enough, Nathan couldn't forget the loathing and frustration he'd felt toward himself.
It's a blow that's knocked every wisp of wind out of me. I think the only way to find the strength to look after Elizabeth now will be to muster my sense of duty. I owe that to Jack at the very least. In every other way, though, I have to step back. I'm the last person to be dramatic, but I'm honestly crushed. Allie and I walked by Elizabeth in the street the other day. She smiled her sweet smile as if nothing happened. How can I push through this to protect her when just seeing her makes every breath painful?
But the irony that keeps cutting is how that pain is actually a reminder of what I shouldn't have and likely couldn't have anyway. The only reason that pain is there and tearing so deep is because I'm falling in love with Elizabeth, which just adds in guilt and shame all over again.
Only, to make matters worse…
I don't think I'm falling anymore.
I'm there.
Still, even if I've seen hints in her eyes that she's feeling something, too, it's delusional to think she'd ever choose to be with another Mountie, especially if she knew Jack replaced me in the training mission. If being with Elizabeth isn't even possible, I can't make sense of how this one woman could bring up such a storm of emotions in me.
Somehow, even with the mess of my connection to Jack, I felt hopeful before Lucas barged in with his manipulative ploy. Now, all I feel is helpless, hurt, and angry. The whole situation is unbearable. Maybe I'm not surprised I snapped after all. Elizabeth walked out there in the windstorm, looking for Emily as if her life mattered to no one. But she does matter—to Little Jack, to these students, to Allie, to the town. And as much as I've tried to stop it, she matters to me, far too much.
But it looks like she's made her choice. Now, I have to figure out what my duty to "protect" might actually mean. As a Mountie, I know Jack wouldn't want his wife and son with a saloon owner. That's not even touching on Lucas's history, the very thing that led to Elizabeth being held hostage. And she goes off overnight with him? What could she possibly be thinking?
Feeling a bit overwhelmed with the memory of his heated words, Nathan methodically analyzed what, if anything, might still feel needful to share, even after all these years. In regards to his anger toward Lucas, Elizabeth, and himself, that was easy to determine based on the few twinges of emotion that still surfaced on their ride this morning all this time later.
As far as Lucas was concerned, Nathan thanked God every day that anything about Lucas being Elizabeth's choice was now water under the bridge.
Nathan could, of course, still hash out his anger at the man for his consistent impropriety in the past and most recently his arrogant disregard for safety. But, ultimately he saw no need to turn this conversation into a venting exercise at the woman who'd less than a year ago been engaged to the man, himself. Nathan had also come to see some of the better sides of Lucas. So, for Nathan, that chapter was closed.
As for his anger toward Elizabeth…
In only a few sentences, Elizabeth's apology just now had washed away the bulk of any remaining frustration. Instead of explaining her perspective as if that was apology enough, she understood the need to acknowledge her poor behavior and how it affected those around her, most specifically him, in this situation, though, poor Allie, too.
As Nathan thought through the anger he'd hurled at himself, he felt as close to peace as he'd probably ever come in regards to loving the woman he only intended to protect out of duty. Elizabeth's understanding words had, of course, been reassuring when she'd told him he wasn't responsible for Jack's death. But, strangely enough, it was Bill's opinion that lifted the last remnants of Nathan's guilt, leaving behind only a faint shadow. Nathan knew he'd always hold Bill's words close to his heart. Having known Jack the longest, Bill assured Nathan that Jack would've felt humbled and honored at Nathan's sense of duty to look after the family he left behind, and that he'd feel grateful and at peace with their blending families (1).
Despite the turbulent emotions of his journal entries, Nathan felt thankful at how much had been resolved with time, grace, affection, and healing words. However, if anything, the twinges of emotion that still tugged at his heart stemmed from the hurt he felt over Elizabeth's decision to go and how her poor judgment had impaired his trust in her and even in his own instincts.
Elizabeth had been glancing at Nathan frequently, wondering when that furrowed brow might finally relax. Suddenly, she realized that perhaps her apology had gone unheard. Since Nathan seemed lost in thought, she didn't want to disturb him. But, given their conversation and his expressed desire for the deepest possible connection between them, she longed to hear what thoughts he'd been processing.
"Nathan? Did you hear my apology?"
Elizabeth's voice instantly broke through his pensive gaze, pulling him back to their ride. As he quickly grounded himself in the present, Nathan assured her, "Yes, yes, I did. I'm sorry, 'Lizbeth. Thank you, and I really mean that. I just got lost in my thoughts," he admitted.
Elizabeth voiced her response with the mere raise of one eyebrow, acutely aware that likely ten to fifteen minutes had passed.
"Okay, very lost," Nathan chuckled, any evidence of his furrowed brow erasing as his lips curved into a guilty smile.
"Well, in that case, a penny for your thoughts?" Elizabeth nudged gently, hoping he'd open up. But, suddenly inspired by the ratio of money to musings, she channeled her inner sass, while stifling a laugh, and teased, "Or should I say, 'a half dollar' for your thoughts, Constable?"
Now it was Nathan who raised an eyebrow, complemented by his characteristic head tilt and lopsided grin. "For you, my love, my thoughts are free." Then, easily shifting to a more serious tone, he assured her, "I'm an open book to you." In referencing their conversation about secrets, Elizabeth still caught a sparkle of humor in those striking blue eyes.
"I've felt that shift in you, Nathan, and I can't imagine anything different now. When I jumbled my words earlier about how Union city reminded me of Hamilton, it was like I watched a shield come up over your eyes, and I panicked remember how you used to shut me out." Steering their course toward deeper discussion, Elizabeth turned to face him as best she could while riding a horse. "I loved what you told me at the schoolhouse…about always wanting us to be close. I want that, too…even if it means having hard conversations."
Nathan knew that, throughout their married life, they'd face moments that demanded vulnerability and difficult discussions. So, he steeled himself for what was hopefully their last weighty conversation about the past, aware that his instincts would urge him to protect himself by retreating and moving on, rather than facing the pain and speaking through it.
Fighting for the full measure of their love, he began, "Lizabeth, the date you planned put a lot of ghosts to rest for me; and most of that happened by just seeing through your eyes that you'd loved me all along."
"While I'm relieved to hear that," she responded, I'm sensing there's a 'But …'"
"There is, but," he said with a drawn out emphasis. "It's only a small one, though."
"However small it is, I still want to hear it," she reassured him.
Rather than the more typical heart pounding response he felt before, sharing what was close to his heart, Nathan was pleased to feel only a gentle thrum. Thankfully, this degree of connecting was getting easier.
"If I'm honest, Elizabeth, I never thought you'd see Lucas as an option," Nathan said, supported by the obvious reasons he'd mentioned in his journal, though he decided to keep those to himself. "So, I felt blindsided and hurt when I had to find out from Allie that you were off on an overnight date with him."
Elizabeth's heart lurched at Nathan's words, knowing she'd possibly made one of the biggest mistakes of her adult life that weekend to hear how affected he'd truly been. "I know, Nathan. I didn't mean for it to seem secretive. You were away, so I couldn't even ask you about it."
"Would you have, though … asked me about it? … even if I'd been in town?" That question hung heavy since the evident answer was 'no.'
Elizabeth knew he was right. As much as she wanted to defend herself, the truth hit her hard. Of course, she wouldn't come to a man she'd grown to care for romantically and ask if it would bother him if she went out of town overnight with another man, one who'd already given her an abundance of attention.
With new awareness, she saw how her couching it as "we just went as friends" was belittling to the intelligence of one of the smartest men she'd ever known, who repeatedly solved cases from the most minute details, from the orientation of shellings and mud on a pair of boots to considering aliases and detecting indicative clues in something as seemingly inconsequential as a nervous habit.
She couldn't fool Nathan, and she could no longer convince herself of anything but the truth. "No, I wouldn't have asked," Elizabeth admitted with remorse written across both eyes. "I realize how silly that sounds to lean on that to excuse what really was a selfish choice."
"That's where it cut deep for me, Lizbeth. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I think you never would've asked because you knew your going would affect me. But, you just hoped somehow it wouldn't, that I might believe it was only a friendly outing because that's what you'd convinced yourself?" Nathan left his response as a question, attempting to dampen what might otherwise sound like an accusation.
With the way time had transformed Elizabeth's perspective, she sighed into her mistake. "I think somehow because I wanted it so much for myself—the escape, the reminder of home—that I thought you'd see it that way, too, and understand why I needed to go...even if it was with Lucas," she added meekly, realizing how ridiculous her reasoning sounded as she heard her own voice speak aloud each passing word.
Before Nathan could respond, she immediately jumped in to offer another apology. "But, I see how hurtful that was now. I'm so so sorry, Nathan. I hope you know that's a thing of the past. Even though I may have done terribly in considering your feelings back then, I hope I'm doing better with it now."
Elizabeth looked at Nathan with pleading eyes, longing to hold his hand or something, anything to help convey how much she hated that she'd hurt him and was committed now to making decisions together rather than hiding behind excuses or running away.
"It was a long time ago," Nathan said gently, a smile of forgiveness reflected in his blue eyes as well. "It just shook my trust in you for a while," he confessed, though trying to temper his tone considering how much he'd seen Elizabeth change over just this last year alone.
After all, she'd stepped up when he needed her most, offering loving support and thoughtful advice as he navigated through the uncertain path of Allie's interest in finding Dylan. That single effort alone stood as an unequivocal sign of her growth. But her awareness of how to be there for him had begun to shine through even in the seemingly small moments, like thinking to make banana bread—a tiny gesture, perhaps, but one that carried deep significance. To him, it spoke volumes: he was seen, and the sacrifices they made for each other would more consistently be mutual.
Still, if he was going to put the Union City date to rest, he needed to talk through just one more thing. "I'd come to admire your instincts, 'Lizabeth, the way you knew about Henry's innocence, and my father's too." Despite the undercurrent of past grievances, Nathan smiled warmly, reassuring Elizabeth as to where his heart was now, before continuing on.
"I also trusted my own instincts up until that weekend, thinking that the way I started to see you look at me might just mean something. So, showing up back in Hope Valley and finding out you were away with Lucas made me doubt myself and you, like maybe I'd gotten it wrong or that you'd lost sight of who I thought you were."
In catching only occasional glances from Elizabeth as her eyes also watched the trail ahead, it was difficult to read her expression. "That may have been a mess of speculation," he added, trying not to sound too harsh. "But it was painful to accept what I still believed to be the truth—that, by instinct, you knew how much your going on that trip would affect me, and yet you still went anyway."
Elizabeth's face flushed in embarrassment and shame, and that, Nathan could see as the cheek facing him turned a rosy red, as if a visible wave had spread across her soft skin. Though he hated to see her uncomfortable, Nathan knew that the truest way to love was to stand together, or ride side by side in this case, and work through your deepest wounds. Then, the miracle of that painful process is that as the hurt dissipates, it leaves behind the seeds of a more enduring love that will only bloom and strengthen with time.
As she felt Nathan's gentle nudges toward finding her truth, she finally decided to let go of her mirage. Union City was a date. Lucas knew it. Nathan knew it. And she knew it, just like Nathan had said. But, unable to turn down Virginia Woolf, she convinced herself otherwise, knowing she'd never accept such a brazen invitation from a man who'd only ever brought her flowers.
All things considered, her initial response to Rosemary's question about what she planned to say was telling—a definitive "No." Elizabeth audibly exhaled, feeling as if the heavy burden of years' worth of bad decisions was pressing down on her chest, like an iron weight she couldn't shake.
"I know you don't need another apology," she said weakly, her eyes noticeably laden with remorse when she turned her head to meet Nathan's gaze.
"What I will offer instead is a promise. I will make it up to you, Nathan Grant. I haven't always filled you up with love the way I try to do with those closest to me. But I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at just how loving I can be."
Nathan knew her context but still couldn't help the anticipatory grin that spread across his face based on where his mind jumped.
"I can't wait to find out" was all he said, figuring the vague response wouldn't give him away.
But, Nathan should have known better. As the owner of some pretty impeccable instincts herself, Elizabeth caught on to Nathan's interpretation of her words just from the lopsided grin and his sparkling eyes.
She registered the heat slowly rising in her cheeks at a pace that was far different from the way heat erupted between the two of them, just as it was doing now once they exchanged glances and guessed their shared thoughts.
However, the moment Elizabeth opened her mouth to try and reframe her words, Nathan pressed on, happy to hold onto the message he'd received. With a heart full of newfound affection, four years beyond the mess of that Union City date, Nathan easily offered grace to the woman who consumed every romantic nook and cranny of his heart.
"I know you'll give me your best, 'Lizbeth. Don't be too hard on yourself for what is past. I can see how you wanted that trip to go, and the way you willed it to not be what it came to mean."
Subconsciously, both Nathan and Elizabeth tugged gently at their reins, an action that guided Newton and Sergeant closer together. Once proximity allowed, Nathan reached for Elizabeth's hand and gave it a short squeeze. Unwilling to let go this time, he added, "I can see the way it looked from your perspective, too…that you were pulled by the city and the time away for yourself. It's not like we'd settled anything in words, yet, anyway."
At that, Nathan realized he needed to share one final thought that exposed why he'd actually felt a little betrayed, even. "But I guess I thought I'd already been more transparent than I wanted to be, against my own judgment even, since Lucas was pushing on ahead as if we were racing against some timeline. I'd hoped to give you time, so you wouldn't feel rushed or pressured."
Elizabeth recalled the striking difference. Lucas invited her to the Virginia Woolf reading, an overnight excursion that involved him paying for her dinner and hotel, though up to that point all he'd invested was a bouquet of flowers. Whereas with Nathan, even after declaring her feelings to the world when she hugged him in the street, all he suggested next was that she might now be open to a dinner at the cafe. But then, even when she hesitated at his simple invitation, Nathan's response told her just how much he cared.
As she glanced over now at the man with award-winning patience, looking distractingly good in his navy wool coat, she remembered his understanding words, "You let me know whenever you're ready."
Never before had they waded through such a heavy conversation without holding each other in some way, and she was feeling that emptiness now, wishing she could convey more than what her words could express from horse to horse. Since Nathan still held her hand despite the impracticality of hand holding while horse riding, she squeezed his hand slow and steady three times for an "I. Love. You.," before reluctantly allowing their hands to separate.
She thanked God every day for what really was her third chance with Nathan Grant. She knew she didn't deserve him, but needed to remind him just how much he'd always meant to her.
"Despite Lucas's grand gestures, I always preferred yours, Nathan. I know we talked about this already on our last date, but the library and your plaque are the perfect example of that. I mean, who wouldn't want a library? Especially a teacher? But what always draws my eye in that library is the wood that your hands carved."
"Well, there was no way for me to know that at the time," Nathan explained. "All I knew was that Lucas was a man on a mission. So, I remember," he said with an embarrassed half-smile, "literally jogging to catch up with you and telling you, 'I'm not one to shy away from competition,' which, I'm ashamed to say, didn't feel genuine. Because loving you was never a game to me. But, what I'd really meant was that I was committed."
You were …" Elizabeth chuckled, her eyes shining with love and gratitude at the truth of his words. Her lighthearted response surprised Nathan until he heard her next thought. "... even though I'd just hurt you and of all things shaken a judgy finger at you in your office … you, Nathan Grant, showed up on my doorstep."
Nathan shook his head and laughed softly. Either he was a glutton for punishment or hopelessly gobsmacked. "I did…" he readily admitted, the look in his eyes affirming the latter. Laughing felt good. He knew if they'd reached that point, then they'd actually turned a corner in this conversation, speeding away from the past and accelerating instead toward their future.
The minute Elizabeth opened her heart to a relationship with Nathan, the difference between the two men became more jarring. Initially when she and Nathan had become a couple, she'd been somewhat guarded about what to divulge about Lucas out of respect for the love they'd shared, even if comparatively shallow. But, one particular conversation mattered to where Nathan saw himself in their story. She'd never told him about the night Lucas showed up on her doorstep.
"Do you know who else knocked on my door in the evening hours?"
The twinkle in her eyes assured Nathan this was not a trick.
"I'm hoping this is a story that bodes well for me," he replied cautiously.
"Oh, it is Constable," she laughed softly.
"Then, I'm all ears," he shot back, clearly intrigued.
"You may not have known this but Lucas's first time running off was about you."
Nathan's head tilted toward Elizabeth in response, his eyes wide with surprise.
"He left for Louisiana without telling a soul because he was jealous of you, having seen the way I ran to you in the street on the day of the prisoner transfer."
At the thought of Lucas being a witness to their revealing hug, Nathan was certain all three of them were grateful their triangle days were over. Realizing this was a part of a broader story Elizabeth intended to share, Nathan remained silent.
"Then he actually broke things off with me," Elizabeth continued, "soon after Ned and Florence's wedding."
That was probably the one redeeming thing Lucas did all on his own, Nathan thought. He nodded his head with some added respect for the man he now considered a friend of sorts. "I hadn't ever heard that."
"Lucas couldn't help but see how tied I was to you," she explained. "He noticed how even when I knew your worst, I still looked for you. He also happened to be at the window to see that I didn't pull my hands away when you reached for them, after I'd told you I didn't blame you for Jack's death."
"It wasn't even something I thought about," Nathan said, remembering the moment perfectly, "holding your hands I mean. I just felt so relieved to know you didn't hate me."
Although Nathan wasn't plagued anymore by the guilt he'd carried over so many years, he'd still never forget the way he felt after he'd been forced to tell Elizabeth out in the street about his connection to Jack. His chest felt suddenly squeezed as though caught in a vice, where every breath took deliberate effort. His heart pounded relentlessly, as if it were trying to escape his body.
Adding to his torment, waves of emotions constantly mixed into a sharp, almost physical pain, leaving him feeling hollow and helpless in the lull between the waves. It's not like he could wallow in what he felt, either, knowing what Elizabeth had to be experiencing was even worse. There was nothing more piercing than seeing the pain in her eyes brought on just by seeing him.
So, when Elizabeth pulled him aside that night and asked if she could talk to him for a minute, he inwardly braced himself. He was entirely at her mercy, unsure of how she could ever forgive him. The moment he heard her say, "from the bottom of my heart," every painful point of constriction released, allowing the warmth of Elizabeth's forgiveness to heal the most broken pieces of his heart.
Overwhelmed with relief, he remembered clenching every muscle in his body, resisting the urge that was already taking hold, fighting to keep from breaking down and crying right there outside the saloon. Yet, in that moment, his arms reached out, taking Elizabeth's delicate hands in his out of profound gratitude for her grace. He hardly knew what to say.
But with Elizabeth, words had always seemed inadequate; his love for her was something felt deeply, something that spoke through the quiet power of touch. So, by instinct, instead of turning to words, he reached out to hold her, even if just her hands, trusting that through the warmth of their skin his heart would speak what words never could.
"Did you want to pull away?" Nathan asked, barely allowing himself to ask that question, not sure he wanted to know the answer.
"No," she smiled, "I didn't."
Though he no longer felt swamped by those emotions, Nathan still felt a wave of relief to realize she'd chosen to stay, to be held in the only way at the time he could physically show his love, a love that had grown leaps and bounds in a matter of only seconds following her gracious act of mercy.
As Elizabeth's eyes met the softening gaze of Nathan's, she added helplessly, "I think Lucas could see that a significant part of my heart was always with you. It didn't help when he came by for a visit soon after that night and saw Newton standing beside my porch."
When Nathan gave her a questioning look, trying to place the memory, Elizabeth explained, "It was the day you brought me Florence's bouquet."
"Ah," Nathan grinned, "That was a good day," recalling the burst of romance he'd felt between them when Elizabeth warmed his serge.
"It was," she said wistfully, finally seeing that moment for what it was—an unexpected outpouring of everything she'd always felt for Nathan, whether in serge or not. "Imagine if Lucas had seen what played out inside!" she exclaimed, erupting into giggles. As much as she felt for Lucas, she couldn't help smiling at how blind she'd been to what he could see so clearly. "Still, there was an abundance of evidence, that as much I tried, you, Nathan Grant, were always in my heart. So, with all that in mind, later that night, I opened the door to find Lucas on my doorstep."
Nathan rode along quietly, allowing this lengthy conversation to run its course, one rooted in the Union City date and its fall out. Thankfully, it was the last old wound to tend to, and Nathan already felt lighter.
"I remember his exact words," Elizabeth continued. "'From what I've seen and what you've told me, I believe you and Nathan still …' and do you know what?" she said, asking a rhetorical question, "I didn't even say anything, not a word. I just stood there with my mouth open, thinking some explanation was bound to come out. But it never did," she recalled, meeting Nathan's eyes, "because I couldn't deny that I still cared about you, far too much to be in a relationship with someone else."
Nathan let that settle. So many words had been shared between them the last few weeks, as they reviewed the past in order to bring light to their moments of deepest hurt and regret. He could feel the finality of this conversation fast approaching, just as he also knew they were nearing their first stop.
"With you …" Elizabeth went on, clearly turning a corner, "When you pulled me aside, worried that I was still considering Lucas, I immediately jumped in to tell you otherwise. You remember, I'm sure," she said, knowing that moment, tucked away off the street, was significant to the both of them. "There was no hesitation on my part, Nathan. It was always you. In fact," she continued, circling back to the overnight date, "if you recall, I even so much as told you to ask me out, after I returned from Union City! I even popped up beside you at different points, hoping you'd ask." She chuckled at how obvious she'd been, trying to repair the distance she'd unintentionally created between them by accepting Lucas's invitation.
"Yes, I remember," Nathan replied warmly with appropriate emphasis, smiling at the memory.
The past was an interesting thing when it came to Elizabeth Thornton. He'd felt more turmoil in the last few years than he'd felt in a lifetime. But, somehow, even some of the most heart wrenching moments held a degree of nostalgia. If those times were messy, they were exactly that because at least Elizabeth was still in his life.
Through their hard conversations, he'd been blessed to view their worst moments through the eyes of Elizabeth, herself, who felt more and more his with each passing day. Just like Elizabeth had shared in her journal about the week with Higgins, she'd gone from worst to best because of Nathan. She explained that what began as a horrid week, forced back into the advances of an abusive superior, ended with one of the sweetest memories of her life, sitting comfortably on her own front porch, with her head resting on Nathan's shoulder.
In his growing understanding of Elizabeth's heart, Nathan was realizing the same held true for him. He wouldn't go so far as to say the worst memories of their complicated story had become his best. But nearly every single one looked differently now, knowing what had been pulsing through Elizabeth's heart at the time.
So now, only minutes after their conversation about the Union City date and the cabin, he wasn't thinking of the heartache or anger but of the emotions that had washed over him the night he'd shown up on her doorstep. It was Elizabeth's words after his apology—that she'd just been following her instincts… about everything—that had caused that sudden swell.
Nathan's heart soared at the memory, reigniting that intense longing he'd felt to pour out what he hadn't yet had the hope, courage, or trust to express. He knew the feeling well because it was the same need that was so often consuming him now. But words no longer felt adequate.
His arms felt so empty since all that he sensed were the leather reins in his hands. A familiar ache begged him to hold Elizabeth, to provide the physical touch they both needed after that hard and lengthy conversation. It was difficult working through something so heavy with pain while physically apart.
Fortunately, Nathan reminded himself, eagerly anticipating any and all of Elizabeth's affections, that was soon to change. Only five minutes more, ten at most, considering the extra weight Newton and Sergeant were so graciously carrying. With their first stop just ahead, Nathan felt a quiet satisfaction as they finally approached the best part of the overnight date saga—the part where unplanned words slipped out of his mouth after his apology, signaling the decision his heart had made to move forward before his mind could catch up.
"I may not have asked you out right away, 'Lizabeth," referring to how she'd prodded him to do so, "but I at least told you how I felt about you."
"That was the best nighttime visit I've had," Elizabeth admitted, her voice warm. "Well …," she paused, "the chocolate egg was a heart stopper, too. Clearly, it's you knocking on my door, Nathan Grant, that makes the moment worthwhile."
"I appreciate you saying that, Elizabeth Thornton," he replied with his own sass and a chuckle. "Because if you recall, after I told you that you mattered to me, you didn't even say anything back!"
"That is not fair, Nathan, and you know it!" Elizabeth exclaimed, with a few giggles slipping through her lips. "I expected an apology, maybe, but hearing you actually speak the words …?" Her voice softened with emotion. "The words that made me know without a doubt that you cared …? Well, it startled me! I think you can understand that."
Nathan's smile only grew wider. "It startled me, I'll have you know, that I even said anything! It's not like I knew what to do with this love I felt for you. I couldn't imagine you choosing another Mountie, especially considering you didn't even know about my connection to Jack yet. Even still," Nathan mused, catching Elizabeth's gaze, "I had to tell you."
Elizabeth sighed happily. "I'm so grateful you did."
In looking back now, through Elizabeth's eyes, Nathan remembered her fading smile as they passed in the street after that pivotal weekend she'd left with Lucas. Although Nathan had been the one to eventually seek her out to apologize for the way he'd erupted at the cabin, he saw now that in that moment in the street her heart had been telling him what he later shared with her, "You matter to me."
For years, there'd been a lot not said between Nathan and Elizabeth, or only said through eyes or layered meaning. But thankfully they were becoming far better at telling each other the unfiltered truth of what was in their hearts.
"I love you, Nathan," Elizabeth spoke easily.
"And I love you, 'Lizbeth," Nathan responded, his voice steady and sure, as if each word was a promise, "more and more by the minute."
Elizabeth's eyes shone as her heart flooded with Nathan's infinite devotion. Locked in a tender gaze with the eyes of her greatest love, she replied "I could say the same about you … though my love is growing by the second."
Nathan's breath caught in his throat, words slipping away as a wave of emotion washed over him. His half-smile, small and wobbly with feeling, spoke everything his heart couldn't find the strength to voice, overwhelmed by Elizabeth's deepening love.
For him, what resonated across the expanse of the universe was a sense of awe, which layered into the softened walls of his heart. From their richest "I love you's" to the moments of painful, raw honesty, every single word of every single conversation had drawn them even closer together.
And their day of adventure was just beginning!
XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoX
Author's Notes:
I hope we all feel a little more settled now about that dreadful Union City date! My apologies if Nathan's words seemed too harsh for those who've always had or who have developed an especially tender spot in their hearts for Lucas. Nathan did later express an improved opinion, in having seen more sides to Lucas. But, for anyone needing more resolution about Lucas, his role was thoroughly discussed in the "Home" chapters of The 1st UNchaperoned Date.
(1) For reference, the conversation between Nathan and Bill about how Jack would feel about Nathan and Elizabeth's relationship is found in Chapter 1 of The 1st UNchaperoned Date.
If you felt mired down in the past during this grouping of chapters, know that N are jumping ahead, finally freed from the weight of old wounds and poor decisions. The bigger adventures await! Thanks for reading! It's a joy to hear your comments, even about differences of opinion, so feel free to share!