Chapter 26: Her Consequential Question

After a long sigh of utter fulfillment, Elizabeth added another gold star to Nathan, this time for his self-assigned role as a teacher. "I've enjoyed your homework assignment, Constable."

"It turned out better than I'd imagined, actually," he said, his eyes softening as he added, "But that seems to be the norm whenever you're involved, my love."

"That's sweet of you to say," Elizabeth replied, snuggling even closer against a man looking far too debonair for the woods. "I have to say," she giggled, lifting her head from Nathan's shoulder to meet his gaze, "there is something incredibly romantic about sitting beside you in that tux, feeling like I'm at a fancy restaurant with the handsomest man in Canada. But, somehow everything you say, down to your little mannerisms," she said brushing a thumb across his furrowed brow, "tells me you're you, the man I already love. And I couldn't be happier. I get the best of both worlds," she sighed blissfully. "It's almost like we're living a double life," she said as an afterthought.

"Maybe we are," Nathan answered with a wink, thinking of Danny and Diane. Little did Elizabeth know she was a living, breathing person in his undercover life.

"You're going to have to stop that, Nathan Grant," she countered, referring to his winking, playfully slapping at his chest, "or I'll be a puddle in your lap."

Nathan's eyebrow raised, clearly contemplating, "And what would be the downside to that?"

Elizabeth giggled again, a bit breathless as her heart fluttered thinking of her favorite position, so far, to be close to him. "You have a point."

"Well, I'd invite you over, here and now, but I think we'd better finish dinner first so we can catch the sunset." As Nathan's words hung in the air, he suddenly worried they might raise suspicion. Since when had he suggested dinner over intimacy? He quickly improvised. "How about a rain check for dessert?"

"Would that be a dessert of kisses, Constable, or actual sweets?" Elizabeth teased.

In response, Nathan threw back some fire of his own. "I think you can guess."

As her lips responded in anticipation, tucking themselves in, Elizabeth knew Nathan's heated kisses, laced with sugar, would for certain be a part of their treat.

For the moment, she busied her mouth by taking another bite of dinner, eyeing Nathan knowingly, the longing in their gazes evident as they managed to both smile and chew at the same time, eager for the night's continued activities.

The second Elizabeth could speak, she did, racing metaphorically toward that dessert. "So that brings us to my question, then," she announced, referring to her homework assignment.

"I have to admit," Nathan said. "I'm at a loss at what you might ask. But, as I've said before, I think I'm a fairly open book."

"And as I've said before, Nathan," she emphasized, raising a questioning brow, "there's a lot you don't show, sweetheart."

"All right," he conceded, his thoughts briefly flashing to the very thing he wasn't showing now. "What is it you're still wondering about?"

"I would like to know," Elizabeth began, a shy smile emerging, "why you took so long to ask me out?" Seeing in Nathan what she could only describe as astonishment, she quickly added, "Not recently. I mean a while back." She fully understood why Nathan had held back more this time, allowing her to take the lead.

As the seemingly simple question was released into the quiet of the woods, their two minds became quickly preoccupied with thoughts—one mind was spinning while the other turned reflective, a lingering ache in her heart.

Though it wouldn't be obvious from the outside, in the way Nathan used his spoon to methodically create a balanced bite—a mix of beef, carrot, and potato—he was the one who'd been instantly thrown into an escalating cyclone upon hearing Elizabeth's words.

Heavens! Nathan thought, the second he'd registered her question. The fact she was asking this, at a moment he believed his proposal was maybe only an hour away.

Was this subtext? He suddenly wondered.

Does she know? He asked himself, his palms immediately growing clammy. Thankfully, he wasn't holding Elizabeth's hand just now.

With the stoicism of his Mountie rank, Nathan looked calm outwardly and intuitively made his next move by reading her expression. But if there was one place Elizabeth didn't shine it was in her acting. She couldn't possibly hide her emotions, especially from him.

Through Nathan's quick analysis, he determined that she looked expectant, waiting for an answer, yet he didn't see any facial expressions or unusual mannerisms that might indicate she was anticipating a proposal. He breathed a sigh of relief at his rapid and essential assessment.

She didn't know.

While Nathan had been on the verge of internal panic, Elizabeth's thoughts drifted back to why this question felt so consequential to her. Even before realizing what their love really could be, she'd wondered at various points along their journey if they'd had a chance for even one or two dates if she would've been able to process her fear differently after the prisoner transfer.

She didn't fully understand her emotions at the time, but looking back, it was hard not to wonder: if they'd been just a step or two further into their commitment to each other, would she have, in her fear, run away from Nathan still—or to him for support?

On the other hand, she considered the possibility that being connected more intimately and facing the idea of yet another loss would've made things even worse. It was hard to know. She wasn't sure what Nathan's answer might bring, but figured any additional understanding of what went on between them at the time might be helpful.

At the same moment, though their eyes had never left the other's during this time of deep thinking, both returned physically in mind and heart, their timing impeccably aligned.

As Nathan was drawn back into Elizabeth's warm and wondering gaze, he realized he hadn't even answered her question in the slightest.

Think, Nathan, think. As his mind ran through some of the words he thought to share when he proposed, he immediately stopped himself.

About Elizabeth's question, he said within his mind, redirecting his thoughts.

Right. Just the date. Why didn't he ask her out…

"Hmm," he responded, buying himself some more time. "That's a good question."

His blue eyes turned to the repeating vertical lines of the trees surrounding them, otherwise distracted by all things Elizabeth.

Within only a couple of quick breath cycles, and a dozen traced trees, Nathan had worked through an entire internal process, and was ready with an answer, the why behind his hesitancy to ask her out. Though he'd initially been certain in what he felt building between him and Elizabeth, all of that fell into question the moment he and Allie came upon her and Lucas returning from Union City.

"I guess the simplest way to put it," Nathan started, "is that when the time came to act, I felt less confident all of the sudden, and that really threw me, since I'd felt so right about us before."

"Less confident?" Elizabeth said with surprise. "How's that?" she wondered aloud. "I mean, for you, Nathan Grant, I broke all the rules of Hamilton propriety and practically told you to ask me out after I got back from Union City!"

Though there was a hint of playfulness in her voice, her gaze softened immediately. The thought of a less confident Nathan tugged at her heart, especially as memories of their earlier conversation about Lucas resurfaced in her mind, adding a deeper layer to her feelings.

Aching for connection, she lovingly looped her arm through Nathan's, pausing from her dinner as he distractedly picked at his. "I know it took me longer than it should've to own how that time with Lucas would've looked to you. But once I did," she pressed, "I wanted to make sure it didn't change anything between us. So, I thought by essentially telling you how I felt, that you'd be more confident, having zero room to doubt what was in my heart—that it was you I wanted…even then."

Elizabeth waited until she caught Nathan's gaze, which she then locked into place. After two flirty finger taps to his lips, she insisted, "I was telling you I'd say 'yes' if you'd just ask."

Nathan couldn't believe the irony of this conversation, considering the burning question that had only grown hotter with each passing moment of the day. Still, despite what he thought might be ahead, he tried to stay focused on what Elizabeth was asking, here and now, seeing that this question she was asking clearly mattered to her. So, he happily held the gaze of his best girl, smiling at the finger she left resting on his lips.

After gracing her finger with two quick kisses, one for each finger tap, he nestled her hand into his and settled them both on his lap. "But, it did change things, sweetheart, more than I think you realize," Nathan maintained, holding firm to his justification in feeling less confident.

"Once I reassured you, though," she reasoned, "I thought you'd jump right in. And I could tell you were trying," she said, encouraging him. "I just didn't understand what you did with the man who wasn't one to 'shy away from competition.'" The teasing smile Elizabeth flashed at Nathan belied the subtle tension beneath her question.

Her heart thumped in a steady gallop, sharing for the first time her confusion for how Nathan reacted to her clear request. Drawn back into the vulnerability she felt at the time by his hesitancy, Elizabeth continued to play this question toward the lighter side. Yet, Nathan persisted in responding with the depth he intuitively knew she was needing.

"I think what isn't as obvious from your side is it wasn't just about your saying 'yes.'" Nathan sighed following his own words, beginning to feel resigned that tonight may not be the night to propose. This conversation certainly wasn't building the romance he'd hoped before the beauty and sense of awe he knew would accompany their sunset.

Nathan shifted momentarily, taking a bite of his dinner as an opportunity to think.

But, truth was truth. Having opened up so deeply to Elizabeth, he found it impossible any more not to speak what was in his heart. However, this wasn't going to be easy to hear. "I don't mean for this to sound harsh, sweetheart, I really don't."

Nathan set down his spoon, turned toward her until their knees were touching, and reached for her other hand, now holding them both as his thumbs lovingly brushed across each.

"It's just that with what I felt for you, 'Lizabeth, and what I thought you felt in return, I couldn't have imagined that you'd even go to lunch at the cafe with Lucas, let alone to Union City."

As Elizabeth opened her mouth to speak, Nathan plunged forward in a rare move, wanting to show that he had listened earlier and understood more fully what had actually motivated her to go.

"Now, from our conversation this morning, I see that for you it was just about the escape, about feeling like yourself, and connecting back to what you loved about Hamilton." He shrugged, and looked at her a bit helplessly. "I just didn't know any of that at the time."

Elizabeth leaned softly into Nathan's sturdy frame, the gesture its own humble apology. "I should've shared more," she readily admitted. "I realize that now, and I'm sorry Nathan." With a reflective sigh, she continued, "I suppose what I felt bubbling up was frustration. There was something very real building between us, and yet the only person really making his intentions known was Lucas. But, it was truly you I wanted to be doing the asking, and you weren't."

"Well, I know we've talked about this some, but for me, at first, anyway, it was about timing. Believe it or not, 'Lizbeth," he said with a sly smile, "before meeting you my sense of timing was as trustworthy as my instincts."

Nathan chuckled lightly to himself, the soft sounds thankfully easing some of the tension around a question he could tell carried a weight to it, though he hadn't yet discovered why. "When I sensed during my first Christmas in Hope Valley that you were beginning to feel something, too, I didn't see any reason to rush. With the respect I felt for Jack, as well as the guilt around his death, it seemed best for our relationship to grow naturally, without any added pressure."

Endlessly grateful for what they shared now, Nathan couldn't resist seeking out more connection. So, before continuing, he lifted Elizabeth's hand to his lips and brushed an affectionate kiss across her soft skin, something he found himself doing quite often.

"Then," he went on, "what I saw happening in time, was that we'd come to a point where I couldn't help but ask you out because it would be clear to us both that we were ready for that next step."

Nathan's heart started beating wildly, responding to how remarkably relatable his last words were to the roller coaster of emotions he was trying to secretly manage at this very moment. Forcing himself to move back again in time, he returned to the conversation at hand, explaining what brought about his shift from controlled and confident to conflicted and cautious.

"But, I hadn't felt like we were at that point, yet," he answered truthfully, "especially since I hadn't even told you about Jack." Nathan's eyebrow raised as if to question. "I mean, can you honestly say you were ready to jump into dating after I'd only just given you flowers?"

"Well, no, I suppose not," Elizabeth admitted, flooded by the memories of how overwhelmed she'd felt at the time. "Plus, you mentioned timing, Constable," she added, transitioning easily into their playful banter. "I have to guess your timing on that was influenced by Rosemary's gift?"

"Yes, it was," Nathan confessed, hiding nothing, chuckling at the memory of the mystery flowers. "Though, by that point," he continued, reassuring Elizabeth of where his heart had been, "of course I'd thought of bringing you flowers, 'Lizabeth. I'd even thought of kissing you."

A guilty grin flashed briefly on his face before he settled into the more serious tone that this conversation warranted. "I was falling in love with you, without a doubt. But, you were a widow with a toddler. I was a Mountie, carrying the guilt of Jack's death. I had Allie. You were her schoolteacher. It was far more complicated than considering just what I wanted. That's why I didn't ask you out earlier."

"You are a stoic Mountie," Elizabeth smiled, pressing a hand to his chest, slightly left of center, "making such wise choices." Glancing at where she'd deliberately rested her hand, she said wistfully, "I just wish I'd known how much was going on in that heart of yours at the time." She sighed helplessly, trying hard not to swoon too deeply at the man in the white dinner jacket.

Fortunately, the teacher in Elizabeth came to the rescue and prompted a return to their conversation. "So, why not after Union City then, when I went to the lengths of telling you I was ready, that I wanted you to ask me out?"

"Well, to be honest, were you truly ready? Or was I, even?" As much as he'd grown to care for Elizabeth at the time, even by that point, he still hadn't told her about the incident at Fort Clay. So that wasn't exactly the way to start a relationship, seemingly hiding a secret.

Holding nothing back, Nathan explained how the timing shifted. "But Lucas taking you to Union City put us all on a freight train with the only option to keep pace or jump off," Nathan said decidedly. "So that's what I was saying earlier. That became the time to act. And your going with him made me question everything. As I said before, Union City wasn't just about you coming back and assuring me you'd say 'yes' if I asked you out. I lost some trust in you, sweetheart," he said almost apologetically. "But I also lost trust in myself, too."

Elizabeth's furrowed brow indicated she was surprised by this information, and not really sure yet how to process it without further details.

Nathan sat back from the table, realizing he was likely done with his dinner anyway, his insides a bundle of knots, incapable of stretching to accommodate much of anything. "Remember earlier today," he asked, "how I told you in the past that I felt more comfortable free climbing? Knowing I could at least rely on myself"

"Yes, I remember," Elizabeth answered with a slight nod.

"Well, up until that point," Nathan explained, "until Union City, my instincts were my anchor, the only thing I could trust." He paused, letting the weight of those words settle, though, with his heart wide open, he couldn't help adding, "besides Colleen, anyway, until she passed."

Elizabeth rested a comforting hand on Nathan's arm, knowing he wasn't yet finished talking, but wanting to offer her heartfelt support at the mention of his dear sister.

The gesture didn't go unnoticed, and Nathan caught her gaze and offered a faint smile in return before continuing. "I felt something real and reliable and…and incredible growing between us. And I trusted that. I realize you didn't know this at the time, but even then, I was making a daily choice to fight for what I thought our love was becoming because the guilt around Jack's death was endlessly telling me to do the opposite—to walk away, that I didn't deserve you, and, in truth, that I really didn't deserve love at all for what I'd done."

"Nathan!" Elizabeth gasped. "There is not a single ounce of truth in those thoughts. You know that now at least, don't you?" Her eyes carefully watched his, searching, hoping for a sign he'd moved past such damaging thoughts.

Nathan glanced down at their dinner plates, away for a moment from Elizabeth's penetrating gaze in order to think of how best to word his answer.

Neither of them was eating anymore, but they'd at least managed to get through most of their meals.

So, feeling that Elizabeth's attention was solely on him rather than her dinner, he took the opportunity to bring her in closer, reaching both arms around her and cuddling her in.

"I can't help but still feel the logic in those thoughts," Nathan began.

As he sensed Elizabeth tense up, at the ready to fire off a deluge of affirmations, he added a quick, "But…" to put her at ease before he continued. "Somehow the words don't carry much weight anymore," he said, his eyes drifting to the smoldering embers of the fire, as his hands brushed softly along Elizabeth's arms, already warmed by his peacoat. Still looking into the fire, he continued, now deep in soul-searching thought. "I'm in awe that I feel differently now. Whatever was there has been largely healed, I guess."

"That means the world to me to hear you say that, Nathan," she replied with her whole heart. "Because what's true, sweetheart, is that you deserve the greatest love. You're the best of men, and have sacrificed more than enough."

Feeling the sincerity in her words, Nathan turned back, once again connected to the most beautiful blue eyes he'd ever known. "Well, lucky for me, I've been blessed with exactly that," he said, his voice growing hoarse with emotion. In humble gratitude, he pressed a loving kiss against her soft curls.

Before speaking again, Nathan swallowed hard, and cleared his throat. "Anyway, going back to your question," he said, trying to manage emotions that he knew were likely to surface soon. Elizabeth was sure to realize something was off.

"It wasn't easy, falling in love with you, battling so much. But it felt worth it. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, it felt worth it," he repeated. "Once you went with Lucas to Union City, though—date or not—there was no other way to take that except to think that somehow I'd been wrong about what was between us, that my instincts were off. And then I wasn't sure anymore that what I was fighting for was really there. On my end, it was. But for you, I no longer trusted what I thought I knew."

Elizabeth pulled back slightly, reading his expression. Those last words about instincts rang familiar as she recalled Nathan saying something similar that morning while they were riding to their first stop. He'd quickly moved the conversation along, though. So now, having heard it twice, Elizabeth was thinking more deeply, trying to understand what he meant.

Nathan loosened his hold, but still maintained a close connection. He was surprised at the way his heart pounded just now, considering all the truths he'd already shared so vulnerably with Elizabeth. Yet, that involuntary response conveyed to him just how thrown he'd been by the decision she made. Speaking now, directly to her eyes, entirely to her heart, he explained what had so greatly pulled at his confidence back then.

"With what I felt for you, 'Lizbeth, I couldn't have dabbled between two women. The difference is that I thought you felt the same as I did, and from where I sat, I honestly thought Lucas was wasting his time, and that he'd figure that out soon enough. Not only because I didn't think he suited you, or deserved you," he couldn't help adding, "but because I believed so much in what I felt between us."

Nathan wasn't sure what was driving him forward, propelling him to share so much. But, the words just kept coming, answering maybe even in excess the question Elizabeth had long since wondered about. For every truth he spoke that felt raw or pointed, though, he followed it with a gentle squeeze or a tender stroke along her arm, silently reminding her that, despite the past, they'd already moved beyond those broken roads.

"So, you may have come back and told me to ask you out. But, in truth, it wasn't a message I could entirely trust. You were still keeping a foot in each camp, and I could see that. Lucas's attentions, of course, continued, and I didn't see you shying away from them. To me, it felt like the two of you were even closer. And that made me doubt that you really cared for me the way I thought you did. Plus, it honestly raised a red flag that you'd even consider Lucas, especially while encouraging me."

Elizabeth wasn't sure what she expected as an answer to her question, but it wasn't this. Her eyes were slowly opening. For so long, she'd struggled to understand why, when they'd stood side by side on the banks of a stream, Nathan of all people couldn't muster the gumption to cross it. What she hadn't realized, however, was that while he saw their relationship as an engaging stroll along the riverbank, not yet necessitating a crossing, she'd unknowingly been muddying the waters. Then, in a sudden moment that failed to consider him, she'd essentially forced his hand, asking him to make a quick definitive decision when he could no longer sense what lay under the surface.

As tempting as it was for Elizabeth to interject, to tell Nathan she was beginning to understand, she knew they'd had far too many interruptions. And she'd learned well that when Nathan had something to say, the best way to understand his heart was to let him go, knowing for those deeper matters of the heart, that it might even take a minute or two for the root of it all to reveal itself.

"But, most of all," Nathan said next, affirming what Elizabeth had just thought, "your going to Union City rattled the only thing I'd been able to rely on for nearly a decade—my instincts." He gave his sweetheart a weak smile, knowing he was answering the question she asked, though he also hoped his unfiltered truths didn't bury her pointlessly into the heartaches of the past.

"What they'd told me," he continued "my instincts, is that we were falling in love, and to me, that left no room for Lucas. Yet there he was. Still, with all of that, as I fell more in love with you, I knew I had more to lose." He lifted his hand, gently weaving his fingers into her hair as he brushed his thumb across her cheek.

To make matters worse, Elizabeth realized now, as she'd yanked Nathan to the riverbank, asking him to decide, to jump in with both feet, her very actions had planted doubt in his mind as to whether he could even accurately assess how much risk was involved in making the leap and fully committing to the crossing. She'd caused him to doubt his own instincts.

Nathan's voice grew softer as his explanation became weightier, opening up to Elizabeth the dark place his thoughts went without his tried and true instincts. "And without having much trust in myself anymore, I just couldn't gauge how to read what you felt, and I was even more uncertain in how you'd react about Jack. I knew I could put it all out there, show you just how much I cared for you, and that you'd choose this other person that I never expected to be in the way. But, back then, the way I saw it, is that even if that happened, it would be my fault, and something I deserved anyway." Nathan took a deep breath, reeling at all that was coming out of him. "It was just…well, it was a lot."

Yet, there was one more thing to say. "So, it was hard," he said in summary to her not so simple question. "It was a fight for me…just to ask you to dinner."

Sensing that he'd deeply and unintentionally shifted the dynamic of their conversation, he added a touch of humor to compensate. "But it seems back at home we're still struggling even now to have lunch. So, I don't know, maybe meals aren't our thing." He gave Elizabeth a light shoulder bump, trying to somehow tell her that as much as he'd just unloaded, the past was in the past and their future was bright. Tonight might even bring their most radiant burst yet.

Nathan's heart at this point in their evening was now just perpetually pounding, the gravity of this long-awaited question affecting him thoroughly, both body and soul.

Even though Elizabeth gave him one of her subtle heart melting smiles, she still didn't answer. What could she say? She was stunned into silence. It was those last thoughts that humbled her because that's exactly what had happened. Nathan shared his heart. She ran away. She chose Lucas. And now she knew his guilt about Jack had run deep for years, pecking at his remarkably selfless heart. Life is so unbelievably messy, she thought, her heart heavy. But then again, thinking of her greatest love sitting beside her now, her heart lifted. It was also extraordinarily beautiful.

All that eventually came to her mind were words that she spoke aloud the moment she heard them, as if in an echo, "From the darkest dark to the lightest light," she said, humbled that their bumpy and broken road led them here, to this moment where sunset would soon envelop them in its warmest rays, its most beautiful hues, and an awe-inspiring grandeur that neither of them could have imagined before. Here we are pressed lovingly into her thoughts.

As Elizabeth's hushed words lingered in the cooling mountain air between them, their comfort somehow wrapped around Nathan as well, all the while filling and calming his heart, easing how startled he felt by all that he'd just shared, rather bluntly, too. He wasn't sure what had come over him. She'd asked, and boy had he answered. Yet, at his hard truths, Elizabeth didn't run, she didn't retreat. Instead, she'd nestled her head against his shoulder and was now sweeping her arm softly across his back in small loving strokes, sensing the need to wait longer before responding more in full.

Immersed in Elizabeth's love and the poignant truth of her words, Nathan felt a lightness wash over him as the sun began to melt into a resplendent glow, spreading warmth across the sky. It was the same feeling he'd had after his conversation with Elizabeth's parents—the relief of finally voicing something he'd been holding inside.

In that moment, he realized that, just as he'd needed that conversation, he'd also felt driven to release the last remnants of his hurt from the past, answering Elizabeth's question with an unguarded sincerity, pouring the truth from his heart as though the gravity of it had to be spoken aloud to finally set him free. Now, standing on the brink of asking Elizabeth to marry him, he finally felt unburdened, untethered from any lingering weight, filled with absolute peace and ready to give his all to the woman who'd held his heart for five long years.

Author's Notes:

I hope you enjoyed these deep dives into Nathan and Elizabeth's hearts. Watch soon for the third segment of these consequential questions.