Loona rubbed the boy gently as she leaned back in her seat. To do this without any arguing with herself … felt right. Sure the whole situation felt weird…. But it felt comfortable… acknowledging…admitting, and even accepting her feelings... it felt good...that and Octavia's more or less unofficial blessing to pursue it, she had no idea how to take that, so she would just live one day at a time and see where that went.
"Ah…. you sure you don't want to move?" Iruma asked as he sat on her lap. "Or at least want me to move right now."
"Nope, pretty comfortable here." She wouldn't force him to make a move… but helping him along wouldn't hurt anyone. "You can lean back if you want, furs are basically a giant cushion."
"That is true... say, have I been growing more feathers?" Iruma asked as he pointed to his chest area, where more feather fluff had been growing out of the uniform.
"If they're uncomfortable, you could always talk to Bee about it … given she doesn't drug and fuck up the rest of your body." Loona suggested.
"Not uncomfortable … just … weird, I guess." He shrugged. "Maybe cause I started sleeping next to Octavia more?"
"Hm, maybe." Loona smirked with a knowing look. "Maybe you'd grow more fur if you sleep next to me."
"You think so?" And of course the kid didn't understand the subtext… which was oddly what she enjoyed. She could say what she wanted without coming off as a freak.
"Millie." The fatty groaned, drawing their attention to the two imps. "I have had to disarm you seven times today. Stop trying to stab Loona."
"Stop gettin' in my way, Mox!" Millie angrily shouted as she waved her knife around. "I'm already pissed about bumping into my ex today, and you're not helping my mood!!"
"You had an ex?" Iruma asked with a head tilt. "You and Moxxie get along so well it's hard to imagine anyone else with you guys."
"We try, but ours was a recent love at first sight, sweetie." The bitch cooed, before growling. "And he thinks he can just walk back in because he says he's famous, has more money, and a bigger cock."
"He what?" The fatty asked in concern.
"Relax MoxMox, it's nothing to worry about. The fucktard was the worst lover I had. All take and no receivin'." The bitch rolled her eyes.
"Wait, so you had sex?" Iruma asked. "Then how come you don't have kids?"
"… You do know she and the fatty have sex, right?" Loona asked, her brow raised.
"Yeah, but from all of Blitz's comments, I assumed it was just somehow Moxxie's fault."
The fatty looked like he wanted to explode, before slamming his face on the table. "Iruma, not all sex leads to children, and not all sex is about having children. Healthy couples have sex all the time as a showing of love and appreciation for one another."
"And sometimes if your dick is small like the fatty's, they need their bitch to wear a strap on in order to simulate what other people do." Loona added to the commentary with a smirk.
"… Sex can just be a pleasure thing?" The kid's body began shaking, hair and feathers fluffing ecstatically as their off colored eye began spiraling like something you'd see in a pop up window. "… My entire life is being recontextualized."
"Moxxie! Why would you tell him that!?" Millie shouted, giving her husband a betrayed look.
"He needed to learn at some point, and I'm not just going to let Blitz and Loona be his only context for sexual relationships!" Moxxie exclaimed.
"That wouldn't be a problem if we just kill the bastard and bitch!"
"We're not killing our co-workers!"
The office door slammed open. "Gotta say, don't know why you're into this horseshit…" And the porn star himself, Angel Dust, walked out of said office…right in front of them. "Shit, forgot the kid works here today."
"Angel?" Iruma raised an eyebrow, coming out of his funk. "Since when do you walk over to Imp city?"
"…. I came to pick out a …small outfit …" He spoke, slowly backing away. The smell of jizz said that wasn't untrue, but there was definitely more to the story.
They all turned to the barely half dressed Blitz. "What?"
"Honestly sir, I somehow expected better of you than to sleep with the porn star." Moxxie rolled his eyes.
"Hah, then you know nothing at all, Mox! I'll sleep with anything that moves! I'm an unstoppable fuck machine!" Blitz smirked. "Who's willing to share if you and the other m are willing."
"Die in a fire." The bitch glared.
"Annnyway, today we have a weird client. A Greed mission."
"I thought we were in the 'kill living only' stage?" Loona raised an eyebrow.
"When they pay ten times our usual fee, we bend the rules." Blitz shrugged.
"We're not going back to Loo Loo Land, right?" Iruma asked warily as his feather shook. "I can only work there so many days of the week without getting crushed to death by debris."
"Nah, they said they'd show up with transportation any minute now though, so we better head out-"
Crash
And the wall exploded. "… I blame you." Blitz turned to Iruma with a blank face. "And not for any arbitrary reasons. Ever since you worked here AND the hotel, a wall is always blown up. Ten more times and I might actually switch Moxxie's job of cleaning this shit over to you."
"Wow, shit's as crazy here as it is at the hotel." The porn star commented.
"It's kind of why I don't complain about imp trips anymore." Iruma shrugged. "It just… feels like home."
"I'm glad you feel so, sweetie!" Millie grabbed the kid in a tight hug as the rubble made a cabinet fall out the hole, making a bunch of pictures fly out of it.
"No no no no noooooooo!" Blitz shouted in despair as he tried to grab them. Drama queen. "My reseaaaaaaaarch!"
"I can probably grab them…" Iruma grabbed one… and immediately dropped it with a dead face. "…. I will never look at horses the same way again…." The boy curled up in a small fluffy ball, shaking like a chihuahua hound.
"… NO MERCY!" Aaaand the bitch was back in stab mode.
"Don't worry kid, you can tough it out." Loona patted him on the back, and gave a small nuzzle of comfort on his head while the bitch was busy killing Blitz.
"Thank you, Loona." He smiled, nuzzling her back … oh yeah, her heart was definitely into this.
Iruma looked over the smoke filled skies. "… Why the heck is Greed so … terrible?" He questioned. Out of all of the rings, it was just … awful.
"A ring's determined by its sin, kid." Blitz said as he took a can of soda and chugged it. "The nicer they are, the better the ring. The more of a jackass they are, the worse the ring."
"That does explain why I like Gluttony the best." Iruma muttered. "And Lucifer seemed like a nice enough guy, so I guess that makes Pride second best … although there's still a lot of mean people in charge …"
"Lucifer doesn't care." Millie explained. "Since he doesn't do anything for sinners, the overlords are technically the ones in charge."
"Wouldn't the Goetia be in charge?" Iruma asked.
"They also don't give two shits." Blitz grumbled. "They just throw their money around and use their statues and sleep with you when it's convenient and then try to murder you when they're tired of your dick…"
… Given what Moxxie explained, 'sleep with' now had very … very different connotations for Iruma … and with the sugar daddy thing, it was probably sex related … "Are you and Stolas doing alright?"
"Yeah yeah, the deal's still in place and all that shit. We can use the book without worry."
Iruma frowned in worry. "… And have you two ... talked to each other since..?"
"We don't need to talk to each other. Just fuck buddies, nothing more than that."
… Iruma was choosing to judge this as a 'don't push' moment and turned to Moxxie. "You've been quiet. Everything alright?"
He looked wearily and…ashamed? "Yeah … just … not a fan of Greed."
"Aaah …" Once again, another thing Iruma found in common with the imp. And not just disliking Greed. "You grew up here right?" Liking where you were now compared to what you had then.
"It's not a part of my life l like revisiting... or am proud of." Moxxie sighed. "It's why I prefer to call myself a wrath imp… it's where my mother was born and... she was the only good thing in my life before Millie."
"… No one here has a good dad, do they?" Blitz deadpanned.
"That's a little unfair." Iruma noted.
"Name one male you look up to as a father figure. Moxxie doesn't count."
"HEY!"
"Well there's…" Iruma paused. "...Definitely never counting Alastor, especially after that jab he made, Husker's more like an uncle or grandpa… Angel barely just became a friend, not that close to Stolas….huh… maybe you have a point." The boy nodded. "Only positive male that comes to mind at the moment is Charlie's dad, and she's uncomfortable around him, which is weird, he's really fun and smart."
"My pa's a good daddy, just slow on the uptake." Millie pointed out. "Just because they are unsupportive and don't agree with my decisions and condescend me for going freelance doesn't mean they're bad."
… Iruma had no idea how to take that, other than to give Millie a hug and pat her back. "There there …"
"Awww, thank you sweetie." Millie hugged him back with a smile as she looked out the window. "Wow, we're really getting into the fancy schmancy side of the city. Barely any dirty and hobos on the street."
"… Wait a minute, where the hell are we heading?" Moxxie looked out the window and panicked. "Fuck fuck fuck! Don't tell me we're heading there!"
"You mean that big ass white mansion the chopper's heading towards?" Blitz pointed out.
"Sir, you know that fantasy you had about the three of us doing it while taking over a chopper!?" Moxxie shouted.
"Yeah?"
"Fly us away from there and I'll indulge it!"
"Wait what!?" Millie shouted with wide eyes.
"Deal!" Blitz shouted with a grin as he pulled out his flintlock revolver and aimed at the loan shark driving. "Alright buster, turn us the fuck around!"
"I have been instructed to crash land the chopper if any of you resist."
"… And why the fuck would you be willing to kill yourself?"
"Fifty grand in life insurance." Came a blank response.
"What's life insurance?" Iruma questioned.
"That's what I said!" Blitz shouted as the chopper started spiraling downward. "Fine fine fine fine; we'll sit our asses down!" He moved back to his seat with a displeased expression, grumbling. "Sorry Mox, worst case scenario we shoot our way out of this mess."
"That's not exactly an option …" The man sighed as the helicopter landed. "Considering …" The door opened.
"By I live and breathe, it's my dear old Mox." An imp, one that looked like Moxxie but without the white freckles; darker red skin, and a scar over his right eye, shouted with an Italian accent and a smile. "Come give your daddy a hug, why don't ya!?" He smirked.
"Daddy?" Iruma, Blitz, and Millie questioned all at once.
"Hey, only one gets to call me that..." The older imp glared … Before laughing. "Unless you pay me that is!" Well that was one red flag.
"A man after my own heart." Blitz laughed. "I'm Blitz, the O is silent."
"Yeah yeah, I've heard all about it over the speakie. Speaking of … a sin as a grandson!" The man shook Iruma's hand. "So nice to meet such a handsome young man. You're easing him well, Moxxie."
"Don't you mean raising?" Iruma asked.
"That too." The man waved off. Red flag number two. He turned to Millie, his grin widened slightly. "And here's the lovely broad I heard so much about. Stone cold killer she is."
"Oh, it's nothing, just what any imp of wrath would do." Millie chuckled as the older imp kissed her backhand. "Sorry, would've invited ya to the wedding… if I knew you were still around." She turned to Moxxie. "This is your dad, right?"
"Yes, yes, this is my father, Crimson." Moxxie gave a reluctant sigh. "I have…many reasons to not have brought him up before now."
"Aw, don't be like that, son, we're family, we always put the past behind us and drown it down the river." The older imp gave a raspy and unnerving laugh.
"... Right …" Moxxie muttered quietly. Red flag number three.
"Well it was nice meeting you, but we should inform you that we only accept jobs-" Iruma started.
"No no, come on in, please, I insist." Fuck ... he forgot that everyone in Greed listens to the radio.
"What was that?" Millie smiled scarily as she took out her switchblade.
"We've prepared a very large dinner for you all, my very honored guests, to discuss very important money making business." Crimson bowed. "And Mox here knows how important dinner and business is around here, don't you boy?"
"I do sir." Moxxie slowly nodded as he walked inside.
"... Blitz?" Iruma whispered quietly.
"Yeah kid?" Blitz whispered back.
"If things go sideways, be aware they know my triggers and may get me to attack you."
"And also be aware that if you do attack my tot, I will kill you no questions asked." Millie added in, glaring daggers.
"Putting me between a pegging and a hard place here." The guy grumbled as they walked inside. "So, Mr … whatever the fuck your last name is."
"Knolastname."
"Oh, you don't have one." Iruma questioned.
"No, we have one." Moxxie spoke up. "It's Knolastname."
Iruma blinked. "...Your last name is having no last name?"
"No, it's Knolastname." Crimson repeated.
"Was there a typo when filling out the paperwork …" Iruma was getting very confused.
"Whatever the fucker's last name is." Blitz shook his head. "What do you do for a living?"
"Ah, I see ole Mox here had been quite tight lipped on his childhood, such a shame, and to think I raised him to be more respectful than that." Okay, Now Iruma was REALLY getting unnerved here… that felt like something he'd hear his own parents say. "We're the top crime family in Greed."
"PPPffftt ahahahahahahaha," Blitz cackled in disbelief. "hahaha, oh that's a good one, I know Mox didn't get his sense of humor from you, ahahahahahahahahaha... Moxxie in a mob family…."
"Blitz..." Moxxie pointed to the fireplace… the fireplace full of demon horns and loan shark jaws… hanging over them like trophies on a wall.
Blitz blinked. "… Oh …" They walked right into a mob den. "… Guess that explains the gun skills …" Blitz muttered. "… So did you need us to kill a rival family or something …" Good, focus on the mission, and get the heck out of here.
"Hold up, hold yer horse there, Mr. Blitz, we're still waiting on one more very important guest." Crimson nodded firmly as he stirred his tea. "He should be here any minute now."
"Wait… he who?" Moxxie questioned.
SLAM
And out came a lanky looking loan shark in a leather jacket and paints, along with slicked back hair, and a very confident, or overconfident, smile. "What's up, party people!? The main attraction has arrived!"
"Chaz!?" Millie and Mox shouted in unison… wait. "Wait, what!?" They turned to each other in shock. "You know him!?"
"Oooh, how nice to meet TWO old Exes!" The shark hugged them tightly … wait … was he Mox's … AND…?
"HE'S FUCKED BOTH OF YOU!?" Blitz shouted in incense, and jealousy. "I've been trying for ages! HOW!?"
"I usually have a habit of having sex with about half the people in every room I'm in." The shark, Chaz, smiled as he cackled. "Not that I'm bragging or anything."
That voice … "...Wait a minute, this is the shark guy that tried to kidnap me and Charlie a few months ago!" Iruma realized.
Chaz looked at him. "… Nah. I wasn't after some rando wolf boy. I was after that Suzuki kid and the princess of hell. Totally would have gotten some sweet favors out of it."
"…" Millie pulled out her knife. "This man dies tonight."
"Why the heck did you even bring him over?" Moxxie glared at his dad. "You've never even liked him before. You called him a friendless horse fucker."
"Hey!"
"Men can change." The man shrugged. "You've been gone a long time Mox, and times change. But that's dinner conversation, let's head to the table now."
… Great, one of the few times Iruma wasn't looking forward to eating.
Crimson was holding in A LOT of his anger right now, and he had to say, it was quite impressive he was able to be as courteous as he was and not slit the little turncoat queer's throat on the spot. He looked over the little 'family' the little bitch surrounded himself with. Some no name broad from Wwrath, fucking mommy issues never went away, some dumbass clown that talked big shit, and a dumbass kid that was only impressive and useful for the fact he was a future sin.
Of course, Crimson was aware of the broadcast, thus, his words needed to be very carefully selected. "I hope this meal is to your liking." He told the crowd. "Dig in."
"It was good." … The kid's plate and bowl were empty.
"Oooh, someone's got a mouth." Chaz spoke up with a pervy grin. Bleh. "What else can you use it for?"
"Ripping your head off." The kid said without a second thought before the broad could jump.
"Awww, mama's little monster is getting used to threatening assholes, you're making me so proud!" The dame hugged the kid as she held a knife to Chaz's neck. Something that, any other time, Crimson would've found hilarious.
"Sorry, just came out on instinct…. I'm still getting used to my sin senses… but all I'm smelling off this guy is lust… and not the chocolate kind like Verosika."
"Aww, but I'm a guy who knows how to bang Succubi." The shark pouted.
"… Why is that an achievement?" The clown asked blankly. "They're succubi. They bang anything that moves."
"You said the same thing in this morning sir about yourself, sir." The bitch traitor mentioned.
"Yeah, and people come back after they've had me." The clown shook his head. "Anyways, back on point, HOW THE FUCK did this slimey joker fuck both of you?!"
"He was hired help for the family … an old flame." His fag son spoke up, using a dramatic tone that made Crimson roll his eyes. "Sparks flew when our eyes met… but out on the battlefield…. It lit up the stars… I shot people in the head, he threw grenades and blew them up… it was almost symbiotic… "
"...I feel like he's trying to describe some messed up romance movie..." Iruma muttered.
"Actually it's pretty spot on." Chaz admitted with an unshameful smile. "But the real thing has more jizz inside and outside." The moron licked his lips.
"I am TEN second away from carving your face!" The broad shouted.
"Wait, that only covers Mox. How the fuck do you know him?" The clown asked the broad.
She grumbled. "Country girl just moved into the city, guy was awkward and charming at the time, plus he had this big bag of money he 'inherited', so it was more like he checked off the right boxes at the right time."
"Was it covered with two horns barging out of a Mammon sigil?" The failure asked.
"Uh… yeah…. Why?" She blinked.
"Because I know where he got it from." Moxxie glared. "It was the last job I did for the family, we had just broken through the bank vault and were about to get off scot-free, but…. My leg got caught in the trap door... He left me there ... ran away with the money and out the city while I got sent to jail."
"Ah, so that's how you got sent to the slammer." The clown nodded. "Never did get an answer on that one."
"Wait, that's how you guys met?" The kid asked.
"Yes…. he offered me a job on the spot." The bitch smiled fondly at the clown. "And I never looked back since."
The broad looked to the loan shark, her grip having made the fork snap in half as her entire body shook in anger. "… I mean …" The shark nervously chuckled. "It was a long time ago …" She pulled out an axe and stood on the table.
"YOU DIE RIGHT NOW!!!" The furious bitch roared with her eyes sprouting flames as the kid held her back. "LET ME GO LET ME GO HE NEEDS TO FUCKING PAY!!!!!"
"Um, Mr. Crimson sir, I believe now would be the reason to explain IMP's target. We can't hold her back forever." The brat said formally as the group tried pulling her back.
"I didn't call to explain business with IMP, I called to explain business to my son." Crimson glared at the little fag.
"Oh … that seems like a waste of fuckin' time." The clown deadpanned.
"It was the only way to get his attention after the little coward turned his back on his family. I had to pick up your responsibilities." He growled, wanting nothing more than to snap the little bitch's neck… but he composed himself. "But luckily, Chaz here is going to lighten the load by joining the family."
"The fuck?" Moxxie questioned. "Since when can people like herpes the clown here just join the family on a whim?"
The actual clown snorted at the joke. "Fuckin' awesome …"
"Since they came from higher class …" I.E., since they got money. "Tomorrow, we'll have a ceremony to officially transfer your portion to him. After that, you're out of the family, and can ignore us to your heart's content."
The bitch growled. "Maybe he wouldn't need to-"
"No there isn't." ... Everyone turned to the kid.
"...Kid, not to show disrespect," Crimson said professionally. He wished he could slap the brat across the room at the moment. "But this is serious business, I believe is out of your realm of understanding-"
"There isn't a ceremony or ritual for leaving the mafia. There's a blood ritual for joining, but not leaving." The brat stated with an astute expression, his eyes slightly narrowed. "You either live your life in the work, run and hide somewhere they can't find you, or you get shot and die … And you clearly know how to find Moxxie… this isn't to get him out, this is a power move to reel him back in, maybe not today, or tomorrow, but you want to remind him that he's still on a leash you control."
The group stared at the child that should die here and now. "… You know, I keep forgetting you met M and M while we killed a mob gang you worked for." The clown spoke up with a mutter.
"Worked for, against, shot at, kidnapped, ransomed, I'm familiar with how it goes." The brat that should die shrugged.
Crimson remained composed despite feeling the urge to shoot the brat. "Please, I assure you that it's nothing that serious." By emphasizing the words that WEREN'T the triggers, the manipulation would come off less obvious. "Mox has shown he has no interest…or spine. For the family business, so after we have him sign a contract." A marriage certificate. "He can live his life how he wants it." Under his fucking thumb.
"That can't be signed now?" The brat asked, he had the gall to use a challenging tone while talking back to Crimson. "What piece of paper takes a day to write out?"
None, but the idiot wanted to make it a whole fucking ceromony, little prickly twink making it difficult. "You know what, it's been a long day of traveling and meeting for everyone, so why don't you help yourselves all to the free bedrooms we have prepped upstairs, stay the night and rest, and we'll be out of your hair by the morning."
The group looked at each other. "I'm down for a free bed." The clown shrugged.
"That just makes me want to argue more." The broad groaned. "We should just leave. If he wants Mox to sign something this bad, he can bring it to the office."
"Moxxie…" Crimson glared.
"...He's…. He's being… hospitable, it be… rude to turn down the... Kindness he's shown us." The spineless coward cracked, like Crimson knew he would. "And it would only be for one night."
The group stared at him, before the clown shrugged. "You heard Mox, if he wants to stay here it's fine. Come on everyone, I wanna see how the mob sleeps."
"Not that much different, just more armed guards at your door." The brat spoke as they all made their way to the door. As IMP stood up from their seats along with his traitorous failure of the child…
"Hold up… I need to have a minute alone with my son, man to man." Saying that almost made Crimson barf at the idea of considering this fag a man.
"Mox..." The broad looked to the bitch of a man in concern.
"It'll be fine Millie. I'll be fine." He waved off, his reassuring smile forced. "You should … go to bed."
The bitch looked unsure, but was dragged out anyway by the guards. There was a moment of silence. "Come here." Crimson ordered lowly. His fag of a son flinched, he then slowly walked over … before he socked the brat in the face. "Did you think you could just leave?" He growled. "No one leaves the business alive, Moxxie."
"You don't need to remind me…" He winced in pain.
"Oh I do!" Crimson smacked him again and grabbed him by the collar. "Listen here, you ungrateful ass! You put this business through a lot of shit, and the ONLY reason why I don't gut you right now is because a spineless dicksucker like you actually managed to get lucky and snag a sin under his belt!"
"I …" He gulped. "You brought me here … to get Iruma?"
"Fuck no, the brat's too much trouble… for now that is." Crimson growled. The kid was more of a future investment if everything went according to plan. "The little bastard was right on the money about the ceremony. Your fag faced boyfriend can't get into the family unless he marries in, and he happens to be into twinking little spineless cunts like you."
Moxxie's eyes widened. "You want me… sir, I'm already mar-"
"You think I CARE about you and your fucking Broad?! I have listened to all of your fuck ups on that damn radio, watching you make an ass out of yourself trying to act like you're too good for your family, and you frankly can't even do that right!" He growled. "And I even went through all this trouble of makin' the house more to your kind's liking."
Crimson flicked a switch, showing multiple dildos on the walls and chairs thrusting out and 'congrats on being gay' signs. Moxxie reeled back in disgust. "What the-gross! What do you think I'm into!?"
Crimson blinked, confused. "What, this is what all you gays like, right? Dicks everywhere, it's your whole thing."
"Wha-no, first of all, sir, I'm bisexual." His son said with half-lidded eyes.
"Yeah, gay." He shrugged. That was the same thing, wasn't it? "I don't know what point you're trying to make."
"...Okay, that was somehow more dense than anything Iruma's ever said..." The bitch slapped his forehead. "Secondly, no one, of ANY sexuality would be into this!"
"HAH! There's dicks on the wall!"
"Is this just a hell thing, or is this one of those living house things we see in Pride sometimes?"
"Just close your eyes tot, while I smash up the walls for you!"
"Listen Moxxie..." Crimson growled as he grabbed the bastard by the face. "One way or another, you're going to do what I fucking tell you to do, and what you're going to do is marry that shark tooth dick sucker by tomorrow mornin'." He threw his head across the table. "You get me?"
"Y-yes sir." The wimp nodded meekly, scamperin' away. Crimson glared daggers.
"And Mox …" His bitch of a son slowly turned to him. "I know I can't kick that son of yours, but if you don't do this, that 'wife' you had goes in a gutter." Crimson made himself clear. "Just like dear ole mom."
The little cunt said nothing as he worriedly headed out the door, running like a coward…. Scared, just like he should be. "Perfect." Crimson grinned as he took a sip of his gin...before he blinked at all around him. "...Fuck I should've just installed them on the chairs." He grumbled, his satisfaction gone. Now he had to stare at all these dicks for the next two hours.
Blitz knocked on the kid's door, waiting a few seconds. Everything was off, and he didn't like it one bit. And it wasn't just because Chaz was HORRIBLE in bed… like, fuck, someone who slept with both Ms had to be like, the ultimate chad with the maximum rizz to get all that jizz, so obviously when the horseless friend fucker offered, Blitz made the obvious choice and agreed to sex on the spot.
Sure it violated both Ms' trust, the little he had of it anyways, and made whatever the fuck he had with Angel Dust, and maybe Stolas, he was still unsure about all that, even more fucking complicated, but Blitz was willing to sacrifice his integrity for his dick's pleasure … and BOY did he regret it.
Like sure, Chaz had a big dick ... But he had NO idea how to use it! It was the biggest waste of a wiener he's ever seen. No stamina, no momentum, no idea how to pleasure the other partner … totally fucking pathetic. So, he rummaged through the guy's jacket and found some car keys. Problem was that as good as Blitz was, he didn't feel comfortable digging around a mafia based territory solo.
Mox was out cause he didn't have the balls to stand up to his pops, Mills didn't trust him one bit and would refuse to be even the slightest bit helpful to him, or subtle…. So that actually left the one person in the company that actually had experience ruffling through mafia shit and seemed to be pretty insightful on the whole thing.
Few seconds later, a small bit of rumbling was heard from the otherside. "What do you want?" The kid yawned as he opened the door.
"Come on kid, we're gonna break into Chaz's car."
"Why do you not have pants on?"
"Unrelated." A bad time in bed was never something to tell anybody. "And why do you look like you went through seventeen marathons?"
"I take sleeping pills before bed or I become a wild animal that eats people … and you guys aren't sinners so..." The kid yawned.
"Ugh, of course." Blitz slapped his head with a groan. He shrugged. "Oh well, a coked up you is as best as I'm going to get, so start moving."
"We're sneaking out of here before whatever happens?" The kid asked with a yawn.
"No, Mox is too chained. We need evidence that something beyond fucked is happening." Blitz said as they quietly walked downstairs. "And you actually have experience with this type of shit, cause you read that crusty old bastard like a book."
"Wasn't hard…It felt like Alastor whenever he acts nice before telling Husk or me what to do." Iruma grumbled, before turning to him with a weird expression."… Hey Blitz?"
"What?"
"Are you … mad that Loona likes me?"
Blitz sighed… this whole fucking situation was too fucking complicated … and honestly, the kid was probably better than over half the fuckers in hell at any rate. "… Just don't hurt her or do things before she's in her thirties, and we'll call it even."
"...I'll check what things mean later and just say I agree." The kid sighed. "And… about Ozzie's..."
"Don't bring up that shit again, I almost succeeded in repressing all of it…" Blitz muttered.
"... I just want to say … I know you tried to help Moxxie and Millie…" The kid sighed. "And in hell … that's the best anyone can do really."
… Blitz decided to take the compliment as they got to the car. "Alright, check the trunk, I'll check the glove department." He said, moving in … and seeing piles and piles of paper. "… You know, if you're bad in bed, the least you can do is be fuckin' organized." The imp grumbled quietly.
"A badly made bed is a sign of a bad life." Iruma nodded.
"...That's surprisingly a fitting metaphor of the situation." Blitz blinked.
"Something I've picked up whenever Zestial visits Carmine…What are we looking for anyway?" Iruma questioned.
"There's no way someone like that got M and M without SOME sort of trick. Find something that doesn't make sense." Blitz said as he looked through the front. "So far I'm getting nothing but receipts."
"That means he probably spends a lot of money he doesn't have or is just really bad with the money he has." The kid looked at the back. "And when he tried to kidnap me and Charlie, he wasn't even good at it. Danger sense barely went off at all."
"So if he's broke and bad at his job, why the fuck is he with a mob boss?" Blitz questioned curiously.
"Well, from the gangs I've had to avoid on Earth, either for protection or money…" The kid stopped, looking at something. "Or both. Look at this." He handed him a piece of paper, titled 'Mastur Plan'.
"I knew it!" He cackled with glee. "That limp dick's a schemer. And a bad one at that." He looked it up. They looked the piece of paper over. "'Step one, rent a suit. Step two, convince Crim I'm rich. Step three, marry Moxxie and get into family. Step four, question marks. Step five, profit.'"
"... As someone who's pissed off the mob before, I can tell you that this is a HORRIBLE plan." Iruma groaned. "That idiot's just going to get everyone killed."
"Wow, if you're recognizing how stupid someone is, then it must be horrible." Blitz smirked. "You grab the Ms, I'll deal with-"
"Move!" The kid yanked him out of the way as a syringe nearly hit him.
"Well well, looks like I'm not the only one digging through junks in trunks." The shark smirked.
"…..That was horrible." Blitz glared. "Your sense of humor is worse than your uncircumcised overhyped dick."
Chaz wasn't discouraged. "Whatever babe, I'm getting hitched and ain't no one's gonna get in the way of that." He lunged again.
Blitz ducked. "Hah, in your face! The kid right behind me is both a holy slayer AND has a habit of ripping off shark fins, rip him a new asshole, kid!"
"Right, right, just let me…." Iruma yawned as he slowly moved out. "... Let me…" He yawned again. "...Sorry… sleeping pills are still wearing off."
"... Welp, I guess avoiding a knock out drug is as best as I can hope for." Blitz pulled out a knife as he jumped the asshole. If he failed at kidnapping the princess of all people, then he must be terrible when he doesn't have the element of surprise.
"Oooh, you want to jam a big knife into me, Blitzy-"
SHANK
"AHHH!" Chaz screamed.
"Lesson one on fucking me, fucker, NO one calls me Blitzy." He growled as he drove the knife into the idiot's leg. "Lesson two…"
"Lesson two is..." They all turned to see Millie carrying a large baseball, glaring hard. "Never take my baby outside without expecting me to NOTICE!" And smashed it over Chaz's head knocking him out, the loan shark now laying on the ground with a pose Blitz sees often from humans' Dragon something meme.
"Millie… you're here...?" The kid asked.
"I kept a close ear to the wall, sweetie." Millie grinned.
"Wow, honest surprise." Blitz nodded.
"That I care for my tot?" She asked with a glare.
"No, that you didn't go full scream of rage and try to murder every fucker here."
"I'm only holding back because Mox told me to, though given that the shark tooth fuck face just tried to drug you, I take it we don't have to take that shit anymore."
"Definitely not, Chaz isn't even rich." Blitz cackled. "So lets barge in, grab Moxxie before they notice-"
BLAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Metal gates and doors slammed over every door and window in the house, sealing them outside. "...Maybe you should've stayed inside." Iruma muttered.
"Satan fuck. What the hell do they even want with him?" She groaned.
"Well this guy was faking being rich and was gonna marry into the family." Blitz explained. "And guess who the bride is?"
"..." Millie took in one deep breath. "Blitz, this is your ONE chance to make it up to me. Help me murder the FUCK out of everyone in that building, and I'll consider us even."
Blitz looked around … and remembered the key in his hands. "Kid, find a getaway chopper and boot it up. Me and Mills are about to pull a Shrek!"
"A what no-?"
"No time to explain, just book it!" It was finally looking up for Blitz for once in his shitty life!
Millie strapped herself into the seat as Blitz revved the engine. "You sure this will work!?"
"If there's one thing I'm good at, it's crashing-"
"Loo Loo Land, Loo Loo Land. Everyone sing along with Loo Loo Land."
"Okay nope." He rapidly flicked through the radio until a 'fuck 'em up' song came on. "Good. Now then, full throttle!" He screamed, pressing his foot against the pedal.
"You better be praying this works!" After the frankly weird way today had gone, she was looking to blow off some mother fucking steam. She may have been a proud mama now, but messing with her husband was equally, if not, more, blood boiling and guaranteed to get you on her frankly long shit list.
"Relax, it will! With the kid out of the way, we can fuck things up to our hearts content!" Well, that was a fair point-
CRASH
And through a wall they went … into a wedding ceremony … where her husband was tied up against his will. "I OBJECT!" Blitz shouted, pulling out a shotgun.
"What the fuck!?" Crimson shouted, angrily dumbfounded.
"You are going to let my husband go, or EVERY fucker in your gang is getting ripped to fucking shreds!" Millie shouted.
"Umm … boss?" One guy raised a hand. "Moxxie may have been a joke, but that girl's legit."
"She's a fucking dame that took pity on my son's faggot ass, just do your job and kill her!"
"Oh, you are ticking off EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BOX I needed!" Millie growled raspily. "You want to kill me, then come and GET ME!" She ran forward.
"Oh, I ain't a stranger to your thorns!" The radio cried out as she stabbed a man in the eye. "Think I'm a damsel, now you get the horns." Another demon got slit across the throat. "Lay low my dear, I'll get you outta here." You didn't always need to be a hero … sometimes love alone would get you out. "I ain't a damsel, I'll make that clear (She'll make that clear)." Millie was never a damsel … she was a FUCKER!
Blitz was grinning as he shot another demon in the face, ducking under some bullets. "Oh you bastards think you're so hot. Well news flash, only one greed demon I know has FUCKIN' AIM!"
"(Ooh) Just try to stop the reckoning that's comin'!" Millie sliced another head off. "(Oh-ooh) Lay down your head boy, can't you hear those beats a drummin'." And jabbed another man in the heart fifteen times, before her knife got stuck. "(Oh-ooh) Be it as it may, by death do us part." So to make up for the loss of a weapon, she grabbed another demon … "(Oh-ooh) Think fast cause momma's gonna tear out your heart." And ripped out their spine for a new melee weapon.
"It's two people! JUST KILL THEM!" The bastard yelled in frustration.
(Momma's gonna tear out your heart) (Oh, oh-yeah-yeah)
"Not just any two people, the two out of three best killers… and fuckers, in all of hell!" Blitz shouted as rammed his horns into one of the fuckers' head, grabbing one of the thrusting dildos from the chair and shoved it down a shark's spine. "Trust me, this is the LEAST uncomfortable way I could be fucking you to death right now!" Never could turn it off, could he?
(Momma's gonna tear out your heart) (Oh)
Millie ripped out one of the dildos, using it as a spear to stab right through a bastard, leaving them without a stomach.
(Soon you'll have no heart) (Oh-ooh)
SSSSSPPPLLAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSHHH
They watched as the helicopter from before fly all up and down like, slicing through a horde of loan sharks into bloody pudding. "Hey guys… I'm a bit rusty on flying helicopters, so… sorry!" Iruma shouted as the chopper continued to spin, slicing through even more fuckers.
"You're doing great sweetie, just keep your seatbelt on!" Millie cheered with a thumbs up. Any kill was always a good one.
"FUCKERS! ALL OF Y'ALL!" Crimson screamed.
"(Ooh) Giddy up, little bitch boy, you're dead." She stabbed another demon as she made her way over to the car. "(Oh-ooh) Giddy up, little bitch boy, you're dead." And another as she grabbed those bulb lights. "(Oh-ooh) You tried to take him like you didn't know." She wrapped it around the little green bitch's neck. "(Oh-ooh) He was mine, and taken, now reap what you sow!" And tied it to the back of the car.
"What the fuck do I even pay any of your assholes for! Kill them, kill-GAHH!" Blitz shot Crimson in the shoulder.
"Why the fuck don't you take your own advice and kill us yourself, you spineless cuntlord!"
"(Giddy up) (Giddy up) (Giddy up) (Ooh)." Millie began dragging the fucker across the the field as fire spread. "(Reap what you sow) (Reap what you sow) (Oh-ooh)." She ran through man after man, before aiming the car at the BASTARD of a dad. "(Oh-ooh) You tried to take him, like you didn't know." She could see his eyes widen. "(Oh-ooh) He was mine, and taken, now reap what you sow!"
And stopped just in front of him, getting out. "I believe you're out of men to throw into the blender." She growled. "Literally."
"Wait, I'm okay!" One shouted from the back-
SPLAT
Only for her tot to land the helicopter right on top of the little fucker. Iruma exhaled in relief. "Well, I didn't smash the helicopter, so I think I'm getting better."
"My husband." She held out her hand. The man growled, tossing him to her. "To ALL of hell! This ass is mine!" She slapped it just like Mox loved it as she stormed away.
"Oh, and just for the record, Chaz was never rich, you can find his plans in the car, and he's unconscious out in the front, do with that as you will, okay BYYYYYYYEEEEEE!" Blitz grinned as they got into the chopper. "Alright kid, take us away!"
"Alright… I think it was this lever-whhhooooaaa!" The chopper thrusted upwards and smashed through a building. "So… what exactly is a shrek?" Iruma asked curiously.
"You ever heard of Dreamworks?" Blitz asked.
"I once worked at an old park of theirs that had a lot of unstable equipment."
"Green ogre. Now get out of the driver's seat, you're too high to pilot." He yanked the tot over to them, moving into the chair. "So Mox, dad's an asshole, yet another thing to bond over."
"Yeah, yeah..." Moxxie grinned, nodding as he looked at her, immensely grateful and happy. "Thanks Millie… thank you everyone, for helping."
"Not a prob, Mox." Millie smiled and kissed him. "Just be upfront next time. If I knew your daddy was a psychopath, I would've gutted him on the spot and we'd been out of here in five seconds."
"He just … had it on a tight leash." He grimaced. "I'll tell you more tonight."
"Whatever you need, suga." Millie rubbed his cheek. "... We're keepin' the dress though."
"Oh definitely, really compliments your ass, Mox." Blitz chuckled. "And now we can all celebrate over the fact the three of us are bonded through the act of fucking the same person."
"Since when did Moxxie and Millie have sex with Stolas?" Iruma asked.
Millie blinked. "... Did you sleep with Chaz?" She asked, raising her axe.
"I'm driving the chopper."
"We've survived crash landings before."
"Do you want your kid to be in another one?"
"...You get off lucky…Blitz…" She was a long way off from fully trusting this bastard again… but... She supposed she could trust him enough.