"Well, we can also make it so every time we're together is a special occasion." Hoshino placed a finger on her chin. Not seductively or anything, it was a bit scary how she could just flip a mental switch and look so normal. If one were to ignore the light blush on her face, that is. "Then, wouldn't it be okay? Maybe I'm unilaterally deciding for you. What do you think? Is it important? Or would you rather become experienced quick?"

She spoke with so much confidence that Hachiman had to wonder if he wasn't the one getting things wrong. If he didn't have a weird opinion on the topic of sex, or if he was misinterpreting her words somehow. It'd make sense, more so the later than the former, and would conveniently fit into Hachiman's world views. More than what was happening now.

He had learnt to stop himself from judging people, or had learnt to get himself out of the pitfalls of following a first impression no matter what. Of listening to his own negativity when things didn't fit with how he thought things worked. But that didn't mean that it was easy.

Being understanding hurt, it was awkward and dubiously hard. Time and again, he'd trip over his own tricks. He'd let more convenient thoughts slip and color his opinions. And he would have to snap himself out of it and apologize, because that's what one does when they're in the wrong.

Doing this here was harder. Hoshino touched on these topics that were borderline taboo to him like they were daily conveniences, but fully aware of how dangerous they were. Not because talking about sex, being open, or showing a predisposition toward it was bad per se. But because, well, she was an idol. And, although Hachiman hated the thought of folding to societal pressures, he would rather choose to do so before seeing Hoshino in a casquet.

Theory and practice weren't always in line to one another. And, before he could hurt someone because of his ideals, he'd choose to keep them safe. For there were problems that outweighed the individual. That transcended the realm of personal morality and became a matter of survival. It was just that Hachiman had never had to face such challenges before, comfortably resting on the rules and safety nets created by interacting only with people that were assholes, but not outright evil. Twisted, but not sadistic.

And, of course, it worried him that Hoshino's answer toward such dangers was to puff of her chest to show dominance and march head on like nothing was happening.

"I-I think you're leaping over several steps without noticing." He still didn't know how to react to a girl openly admitting to desiring him carnally, not really. He didn't know whether to panic, be embarrassed, or feel pride about it… Probably not the last one. As it still felt too unreal to consider. Like, at any moment, the prank could be called off and he'd be left with a wounded pride and disappointment.

Not that he thought that Hoshino was that kind of girl, but the link between his body and mind was… Strong. If he could think clearly in situations where, every time, he had met disappointment while forsaking such experiences… Would Hachiman still be Hachiman? Would he be the person that he grew up to be? Gotten where he was right now?

Probably not.

The "ifs" and "buts" that riddled his life were simple thoughts that plagued his mind, that prevented him to move on. To think that, should he had done differently, life would be different; was akin to silently killing his Self. To deny his own existence in this river of time that people call their lives. To be alone, to be unmoving, while not quite the solution, it did mean that Hachiman had come to accept himself on a fundamental level. To look at himself in the mirror and stop desiring for a different outcome, in the end, was the only way to get some peace of mind.

To be good with others, one would have to be kind to themselves. To look in the mirror and not to hate the person staring back, but look back and think "what can we do better today?" was the only thing that one could do.

"Steps?" Hoshino furrowed her brows, almost cradling the question with her tone. Like it was an unexpected proposition that hadn't crossed her mind before. "Really?"

"We've barely known each other for a bit. While it's… Fine, if you want to… Ahem! Do it, and stuff, I don't think it's really the moment… The time. There's many things to keep in mind, never mind that our lives aren't precisely the most stable right now. Or that there are a lot of problems that…"

"Well, I mean. Sure. But what am I supposed to need to know about you?" Hoshino interrupted Hachiman's rambling midway, almost like she knew that he was struggling to find a point to make. That he was stalling for time.

"You don't know if you can trust me with that kind of responsibility." Hachiman looked away, frowning to keep the embarrassment off his face. Still feeling his cheeks warm from the feelings that this conversation was bringing out.

"…?" Hoshino shivered. Not cutely, or in a horny way. But like she had a split-second spasm. Like she was getting reset and her mind was rebooting. "What responsibility? What are you talking about?"

"You… Are you suggesting to do this… Casually?" Hachiman peered at her, not moving his face. But only turning his eyes.

Oh, damn! This was even more embarrassing than talking about sex itself!

"Do you think I'm that kind of girl?" Hoshino's poker face made Hachiman's thoughts halt. "I mean, okay. I get it now."

Now it was Hachiman's turn to look at Hoshino dubiously, see her face go through quite a few reactions before it could settle for her safe smile that she usually wore. Plastic, but agreeable. Demure, friendly.

"I'm not going to take you home and present you as the twin's new daddy, I… I understand that they're my children. You don't have to take on a burden that will just make you unhappy."

Hachiman's heart dropped, realizing where Hoshino's line of thought was heading.

"And, honestly? I'm not even sure they want a dad. I know that these two relationships are different, they probably won't become a single, big one and…" Every single word she said made Hachiman realize how badly he was screwing up. Her tone remained the same, but the hollowness of her expression became even more apparent after a bit. She was rambling, and Hachiman knew better than to let her continue like this.

He took her hands, snapping her out of those artificial words of hers. And pulled to invite her to sit closer to him.

They didn't kiss, but Hachiman still embraced her all the same. Hugged her to tightly that he could feel the racing heart that Hoshino was trying to silence through her words.

"Hoshino, I am asking you to slow down. Not to stop." It wasn't what she was talking about, the reason for her hurting. But she didn't need him to tell her what the problem was. Not when she was unwilling to face it. Just like with other things he let slip, this was something that she had to come to accept by herself. She needed to learn to ask for help. "They're children. They might've gotten the wrong idea just from being the first guy that they've seen around you since the beginning."

"…Oh." Hoshino gasped between his arms, not returning the hug. But concentrating on her feelings instead. "Oh, no. Hachiman-san. I… I didn't try to…"

"You didn't think about it, I know." Hachiman suppressed a sigh. Hoshino didn't need to get the idea that he was disappointed. "Or, if you did, you ignored the thought."

"I don't know which one is worse." Hoshino murmured. "There's a saying that talks about evil and dumbness, right? Something like that."

"There is a point where stupidity is undiscernible from malice, yes. Something like that." Hachiman nodded.

"Sorry for being stupid." Hoshino retorted.

"Your level of self-awareness is lacking, but clearly growing." Hachiman didn't mean to sound sarcastic. But he couldn't help the low chuckle that followed his retort. "That alone makes you better than about 90% of the people that I've known."

Hoshino didn't answer immediately, but slowly let her arms creep up to coil around his back.

"Thanks, I'm doing my best." She didn't sound sincere, which killed Hachiman's hopes that his joke had landed as that, a joke.

"I… Yeah, it's me who's being out of touch." Hachiman closed his eyes. "Sorry."

What was the point of asking for sincerity if he was the one hiding behind his twisted sense of humor?

"I heard from your sister that this is how you communicate." Hoshino murmured. "I'll try to keep it in mind."

That was probably the last thing that Hachiman wanted to hear.

"You don't have to go out of your way to accommodate me." Anyone that needed such treatment didn't deserve the effort. Not even Hachiman himself. Not when he always talked and obsessed over being honest and forthcoming.

"You'll do the same when I need help to be honest, right?" Hoshino lifted her face, looking up to Hachiman like a lost child. "When my effort isn't enough… You'll be there to give me a little push, right?"

Ah… So that was it.

Hachiman scoffed, realizing that he was overthinking the wrong things again.

"I gave you my word, and you can be damn sure that it was the truth." He didn't want to take advantage of Hoshino's naivety. But a mutual agreement? Yes, he could get behind that. "I know why you lie, so I won't hate you for it."

Hoshino squirmed a bit, like she was uncomfortable in the embrace. But the movement quickly became a shiver that ended in her shaking her head against his chest. Like she was getting comfortable against her pillow in bed.

"How do you change the topic to things that should be so hard to say?" Hoshino murmured breathlessly, hugging him tighter.

Hachiman smiled, even though she couldn't see him.

"I am just a loser that obsesses over things nobody cares about." Then, repeating pieces of the conversation in his head, he changed his expression into a frown. "…I'd think that talking about sexy stuff would be more difficult?"

"I understand my body very well, I know what's happening to it and why." Hoshino squirmed again, getting a better grip and a more comfortable position for the two of them. "I can tell when I'm hungry, when I'm tired, when I'm dirty or need trim my nails. It is obvious and evident when I'm hot or cold… It is all the same. But my heart…"

Hoshino's silence was deafening, even after being overpowered by her desire and coming back from that high. She was a lot less decisive, awkward… Dumb, in a way.

"You don't know how that thing works." Hachiman sighed.

"For the longest time, I didn't know if I had one."

"…That would make things so much easier." Hachiman kept a scoff from being released, but his irony was still evident even to his own ears.

"You think so?"

"Being uncaring about the world around you? About what happens in your journey to your objectives?" Hachiman thought about a certain invincible superwoman while speaking. "It must be."

Hoshino stayed silent for a moment. But, this time, it wasn't awkward. Her body was a little tense. But in the way that someone is when staying put on purpose.

Thinking, processing his words, learning. Even though she waded through difficult things, Hoshino still adamantly refused to stay put. To let her own emotions trap her.

"I see, it does make sense." Hoshino stated. Her voice just barely leaving the realm of a whisper, but it didn't sound weak. There was a tinge of certainty in there that Hachiman couldn't help envying.

She was so strong… Stronger than Hachiman could ever hope to be.

"Right?"

"I… I guess I should mention now that I don't want to force you to do anything." Hoshino tried to release him, to separate from him and look straight at him.

Hachiman's arms tightened around her, keeping the girl between his arms.

"Hachiman-san…"

"Hmm?"

"…" Hoshino had let go of him, but brough her hands around him again after a moment of thinking. "Nothing."

"That's what I thought." A strange satisfaction swelled in his chest, making him more comfortable in his current situation… Even through the tough topics that still lingered between them.

"If you're going to be this clingy, I really should leave more often." Hoshino murmured dreamily.

"Ah, got it. I'll keep my distance from this point onward." Hachiman nodded but didn't let her go.

"Please don't." Hoshino was quick to answer, a little too quick. "I can't go back to how things were, I won't let you get away with a piece of me like that."

Hachiman furrowed his brows more as she spoke.

"How have you done it so far, then?" It sounded wrong. She had done well enough even before Hachiman. Furthermore, she got in trouble even though she was alone. Again, the problems that plagued his mind returned. It made him cling to her physically like lifeline. Like he'd be swept by a sea of his own problems without her.

"I can survive. I always have, I always will. But, just because I am capable, it… Doesn't mean that I'd… Hachiman-san, you're hurting me." Hoshino sounded like she was having a hard time breathing. And only when she called it out did Hachiman realize that he was starting to press against her too much. That he was crushing her lungs a little.

He released her. But, this time, she remained clinging to him.

"Sorry."

"Are you alright?" Even though she was just catching her breath, Hoshino asked about him first. Like he hadn't hurt her at all.

By mistake or ill will, it was still very odd to him.

Who cared about others more than themselves? What kind of weirdo would reach out to someone hurting them before making sure their own body was alright? It was something so small, but it bugged Hachiman to no end. Made him acutely aware of how abnormal this whole situation was.

"I will be." Hachiman stated breathlessly.

"That's what I was getting at, if you stay with me." Hoshino released him with her right hand, reaching to his left one and bringing it over her shoulder. Willing him to hug her back again. "I can endure, but I was never fine while doing so. If I don't have to, although I can, I will be fine. Do you understand?"

"You're talking in circles." Hachiman understood. And he did so fairly well. He still felt that her trust was misplaced, that she was giving him more credit for things that he didn't deserve recognition for. "I don't understand what you want."

"I'll carve my desire into your body until all you can do is think of me." Hoshino's voice became cold, dangerous. It made Hachiman flinch midway through bringing himself to hug her again. "Ah…"

She noticed. And the darkness receded from her whole being faster than Hachiman could bring the topic up.

"Sorry, that was an unfortunate way to word it." Hoshino sounded genuinely taken aback. And it took Hachiman a moment to understand why, but he did. With a phantom throb in his stomach.

An unfortunate wording was… One of the ways of wording it of all time.

"Y-Yeah…"

"But I can say this now. There's no time to waste, Hachiman-san!" Hoshino pushed him back a bit, to look him in the eyes. "We're in an unofficial 'off season' right now. I feel confident in this. Thinking like this. If we were more involved in concerts, guest appearances, and the like… I feel like I'd be choking in my own ugliness."

"Your desires are not ugly." Hachiman insisted in spite of himself, before he could confirm that Hoshino even finished her thought process. "They're normal."

"Then why do you dodge the question so readily? I am either not to your liking or, on a fundamental level, you think that it is wrong." Hoshino hardened her gaze. Not judging him, not accusing him. But still serious enough that Hachiman had to answer in kind.

"It's not…"

"You, it's me? Is that what you want to say?"

Hachiman closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, stopping himself from scoffing.

"I already told you it's uncharted territory for me." He answered in kind, hardening his words and his heart. Because he needed to be straight and clear in this. Because, regardless of his feelings, Hoshino had to understand this part no matter what. "And it scares me that you're so readily jumping into this, when you know what'll happen if the wrong people get even a hint of what's going on."

Hoshino pushed herself a bit farther away from him.

"I know what I'm doing."

"I don't debate that." Hachiman raised a hand, as if to stop her from talking. But it was clear that she had no intention of elaborating. "But there will always be someone stronger, faster, smarter… And have the will to attack when they feel slighted."

"I know I'm not that bright, Hachiman-san." Hoshino scoffed. It was a surprisingly ugly sound, followed by a split-second ugly expression. But her confident mask returned before Hachiman could even consciously notice what Hoshino had done. "You don't have to tell me, I know. But I have Ichigo-san, Miyako-san… They've kept me safe for years. And I trust that they have my back."

"Do you, now?" Hachiman couldn't help the venomous retort. Hoshino didn't even show that she had noticed the malice behind his voice.

"I… Haven't always, I admit." Hoshino closed her eyes, furrowing her brows for a moment in what probably was the closest thing to cringing that she would show. "But I do now. No matter what, I trust them with my safety. It will be fine as long as I have them by my side."

Hachiman pursed his lips, feeling like his heart would collapse from how fast it was beating.

Hoshino's expression didn't change, not even a bit. But Hachiman did notice that it was a freeze frame kind of expression, that she was willingly keeping it there. Doing her best to project out the confidence that she was displaying.

"You know where I am going."

"I really don't." Hoshino smiled a bit more. "Care to explain?"

A taunt, a challenge. Hachiman couldn't help the creepy smile that threatened to appear in his face. Thinking that Hoshino would do this under the belief that he'd back down.

Hachiman's feelings weren't so frail, so pathetic. He told her a lot of things, reassured her several times. But Hoshino, it seemed, had left the fact that he cared about her safety more than her happiness. And that was the one thing that he'd been very clear about.

"Hoshino, there are still things that have gone unsaid. Unchallenged. You have many secrets, and that's fine. There are things I also don't want to talk about, and you've been very respectful of that too." Hachiman took a lungful of air, bracing for impact. Hoshino raised her shoulders a little, like she was getting ready too. Even though her expression remained brazenly defiant. No wonder people thought her invincible. "But my secrets won't bring you any harm. They'll be annoying to deal with at best."

Hachiman released the rest of the breath that he had taken. He couldn't read Hoshino's reaction, but he didn't need to. Instead, he let his words linger between them. Allowed her to realize that there would be no chances to do her magic and shift the expression in a different direction.

"Hoshino, I think one of your group-mates know the father of the twins."

Hoshino's expression broke.

"What?"

"I've been thinking a lot about… Well, everything. And there's something that struck me as odd. Something that doesn't quite fit."

"There's no way." Hoshino smiled again, but the expression looked even more hollow now. "You're lying. What do you really want to hear? If this is jealousy… It isn't cute at all."

"Hoshino, during your trip with Komachi I met that guy." Hachiman's voice became softer, slower. He didn't raise to the challenge in her voice now, but planted his feet firmly on the same sand where she was trying to trace her limits.

Unilaterally pulling each other in different direction. Selfishly wanting the other to be the same as them for the briefest of moments.

Lies told in hopes of being accepted. Seeking the truth endlessly in vain hopes of it being something acceptable.

Their way of life couldn't be any more different, they couldn't be more alien to one another. Hoshino left the past behind by rushing into the future, Hachiman allowed the world to move on by ignoring the present to lick his wounds without actually treating them. But, in the end, there were things that were too important to ignore. Problems that surpassed personal morality and opinion. Challenges that would leave nothing but a casquet and a lifetime of regret that would leave other almost as much of a corpse as the one being buried.

Hachiman moved a little closer to her.

"Hoshino." Again, Hachiman made sure that his voice soft enough. That there was no malice or reproach in it. Their quest to seek out what they wanted was the same. It had taken different routes, but he got it. Hoshino hated to think that she'd be rejected, that she would be unwanted. And, in ignoring the problem, she hoped to stave off the moment where she'd have to face the ugly truth.

Except, the truth didn't have to be ugly.

Maybe it was a mistake to give her the benefit of doubt. Malice and stupidity were the same at some point, and maybe this whole situation had already surpassed that threshold. But… If Hachiman could get a glimpse in all of this, if the vestiges of truth that he'd been collection from Hoshino were actually the real deal… He wanted to give her that confidence, that safety.

Safety before happiness… Yeah, right. Even Hachiman couldn't help snort at how pathetic his attempts to fool himself were.

He'd keep her safe, and he'd find a way to make her happy too. This kind of naïve thinking, however improbable, seemed to be so real when he was with her.

"You are not at fault of anything." Hachiman reached out to her hand, slowly. Half-expecting her to pull away from him. And she did flinch from his touch, but she didn't pull away. "I don't think you'd ever do something so horrible as to merit what has happened thus far. No matter how many lies you've told, I don't think any of them merits… The way that we met."

Hoshino's expression had broken down completely, but Hachiman adamantly refused to describe or let anyone even imagine all the emotions that Hoshino was going through in that moment.

"I am scared." He whispered, feeling so many things at once that he felt like his face would be torn apart and a wave of everything he'd been holding back thus far would bleed out from his dying body. "So… Please. Even if you can't trust me here, I…"

"I trust you with my body, my heart." Hoshino muttered. Again, her expression wasn't something for eyes other than the person she chose to risk her life with. "I know you can make me whole."

Hachiman couldn't help the amusement that her words caused him from leaking.

"I am not complete myself." It was just too funny. The very idea that she'd think that, didn't sound right. "At all."

"See, this is why you sound so hilariously out of touch. I'm selfish, Hachiman-san. It is in my nature to take." She gasped for air, like her words were painfully dragged out of her mouth. Like wired barbs hurting her from the inside out. "I don't care about that. I only care about the certainty that you are not what I am. That you have every quality that Ai-chan should have."

"That's a gross misinterpretation of my character."

Hoshino smiled with some sadness.

"Most people would've thrown me at the wolves for less than it has happened thus far."

"Most people wouldn't bother to look past the barely disguised barriers you have erected."

"And most people would've looked at you and dismissed you out of principle." She sucked in some air, speaking more fluently now. Calmer, so to speak. "And I know that I'm taking advantage of your fear of being left alone, now."

Hachiman scowled.

"You say it like you haven't been clinging to me with all your strength."

Hoshino chuckled. It sounded like when Hachiman did it, at least when someone said something about him that couldn't be denied.

"You're the easiest person to love that I've ever met." Hoshino tilted her head. "Even someone with such an inhuman heart should be able to do it."

Hachiman couldn't help the frown that formed in his face.

"And yet…"

"I am selfish, Hachiman-san." Hoshino closed her eyes. "I want things to be pretty, I like it when people cheer and look joyous. I like to be praised and told how perfect I am. I know it's a lie, but it makes me feel better. They don't need to know… Just like there are things that I would rather not know."

Ah…

So that was it.

There it was. The truth, mixed in with all the ugliness that hiding it for so long entailed. Stained in trash, blood, and missed opportunities. Necessary all the same.

Hachiman took another lungful of air, thinking about the people that he was betraying by simply giving Hoshino a chance to explain herself. To put her version of things in front of the facts, of what needed to be done.

"I want my perfect ending." Hoshino finally sighed, again letting her expression and body language as a whole slip. "With everyone smiling, cheering, looking joyous…"

"There are problems that will fester if left unresolved."

"I might not deserve to see some problems solved." Hoshino's expression shifted again. She looked younger now, but in a strange way. Unguarded. "I may not deserve anything at all."

Hachiman didn't intervene. He knew that particular feeling all too well to interfere. Not because he thought that she needed to go through it alone. But because seeing it reflected in another person felt like a punch to the gut. Unexpected, treacherous.

Hachiman pushed onward.

"Do you really think you're so awful as to deserve to die? Leave the things that you're on your way to achieving, well, unachieved?"

"I…"

"And, even if you do, don't you hate that?" Hachiman's words lost their soft warmth and became heated in a different way. Not following the tenderness that his mentor taught him, but falling into the embers of what had once been a heart that had hosted dreams. "Don't you feel nauseous when thinking about your dreams not coming true? To leaving things as they are? The status quo, the very thing that has kept you from your dreams, unchallenged?"

Hoshino wasn't looking at him, but her expression was still changing. She was strong, after all. No matter how much dirt she ate, she refused to come to a halt. She kept learning, even now. Kept improving. She was someone that Hachiman could never hope to match.

"I don't want to give up."

"You were ready to fight me for your dreams, right?"

"I was ready to make you bend to my will."

"R-Right." Damn it! Why did she always have to make it weird?!

Hoshino smirked.

"I am a selfish girl, after all." Hoshino sighed, and some of her tension left her while doing so. "Right. I am… In the end, I can't help being…"

Just another girl. Like anyone else in her place. Dealing with the same emotions that anyone would if they faced the same problems.

"I can't do this alone, Hoshino."

"I won't let you." She still wasn't looking at him, though her tone was cold. But not toward Hachiman. More like at the situation as a whole. "I'll go insane if you have to bleed for me one more time."

She looked down, at her hands. Thinking about something that Hachiman couldn't begin to grasp while opening and closing one of her hands.

"But I don't want to look, either."

"Then it sounds to me like you need a hand." Hopefully, someone that she could name herself. Because it'd mean a whole lot more if she thought that she could reached to them. Instead of Hachiman offering her an easy way out. Whether she grew dependent on him, or kicked herself for taking the easy route… Hachiman didn't know her enough to tell what would happen. But he still knew that it'd be something that she'd hate.

For the longest of minutes, Hoshino remained silent.

Hachiman waited for her, trusting that she was way smarter than she was giving herself credit for.

Hoshino looked at him with unfocused eyes, like she was dizzy or randomly forgot where she was.

"I need to call my dad." She was not lost at all.