A very emotional chapter incoming! Prepare yourselves. ;(
The door closes and Danny and Jamie are alone. The half ghost drops his book bag at the foot of one of the beds.
Danny stands, wobbling on his feet as he takes in the room. Now that all the people are gone, the explanations done, exhaustion washes over him. He stumbles onto the bed, heart sinking. Anxiety prickles, despite Alfred's words. He doesn't want to worry, not with the Waynes trying so hard to make both of them feel welcome. But the reality of almost watching his brother die….
Jamie's almost core churns, Danny's hand resting over his own. "Are you okay?" He whispers to his brother.
Not really. The clone sighs.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
No. The feeling is like Jamie chewing on his lip, averting his eyes.
Danny sighs, rubbing his forehead. A shiver runs through him, the elastic pull of duplication. He lowers his hand. "We don't have to separate."
The tugging stubbornly continues.
The half ghost shakes his head. "It's not going to work like that. You're not a duplicate. You've already got your own body. You just… need to collect your own ectoplasm and step out."
Another cold shiver. Then… a breathless gasp. A glacial wave crashes over him, senses going fuzzy and distant.
The next breath, Jamie is stilling on the opposite bed, ghostly form faintly glowing.
"You did it." Danny mildly congratulates.
His brother shrugs, head bowed.
The half ghost sighs. "I'm going to take a shower." He stands, collecting sweatpants and a t-shirt from the bookbag before walking to the bathroom. Pausing in the doorway, he turns back. "Jamie." Expression serious, he waits for his brother's gaze to dart up, confirmation that the other boy is listening. "If you start feeling weird or melty at all, yell for me. And if it's really bad…" He swallows. "You have full permission to overshadow me right then. I don't care if I'm getting dressed or asleep. Your life means a whole hell of a lot more to me than my privacy."
Another pause, waiting for Jamie's response. The clone's eyes flicker up again. He gives a half-hearted nod.
Heart in his throat, Danny closes the door to the bathroom. He undresses, steps into the shower, and as the water runs, lets himself cry. The tears aren't loud, aren't chest heaving, aren't hopelessly devastated. They are quiet and slow but at the same time, still deeply upset.
He's scared. He's tired. He's shaken. He… he almost lost Jamie.
But… he didn't. Jamie is still here, safe in the other room. He didn't lose his brother.
And he won't lose him. He could be more devastated. Maybe he should be. But he trusts Jason. He trusts Jason's family. The Bats will do everything in their power to help them. They'll deal with the GIW and the Fentons. They'll find a way to access a portal. And the Far Frozen… Frostbite will know what do, how to stabilize Jamie. He'll check on Ellie and get to talk to Jazz and Sam and Tucker. He'll soon get to introduce his loved ones to his new brother.
Danny believes it. He believes all of it, comforted and reassured by Jason's confidence and the care the man has shown him and his brother.
And yet… Jamie's core, perpetually refusing to solidify. His earlier fear at telling Jason the truth. His continued silence.
All of it has Danny's stomach in knots. He's worried, anxious, and… confused. Jamie lied about his origin. Why? Why would he lie about that of everything? Claiming to be one of Plasmius' clones… how is that better than reality?
After a long fifteen minutes of ruminating in his thoughts, Danny turns off the water. He steps out of the shower, wrapping a towel around himself and waiting a few minutes to dry.
On the other side of the door, Jamie is quiet. Then… Danny hears a sigh from the other boy. A flash of light, the creak of a now heavier body settling on the mattress. His brother turns human again… or his version of it, at least. Heavy and warm, a pulse beating under his skin, heart fluttering in his chest. Even if it seems to pump ectoplasm instead of blood. Yet another conundrum.
The bed creaks again, the soft sound of footsteps. Drawers open and close. The ruffle of fabric. Jamie must be getting dressed. With his own sigh, Danny does the same.
A minute later, the half ghost opens the door. His eyes survey the room and… his heart aches. Jamie lies on the bed closest to the bathroom, pajama-clad form above the covers. His blue eyes stare at the ceiling, brow furrowed in something eerily distant.
"I… Jamie." Danny walks to the other bed, sitting on the side closest to his brother. "I know you don't want to talk but… I'm worried."
The clone says nothing, even as his far away expression flickers ever so slightly.
The older boy continues. "I know Jason and his family are going to help us. We'll figure out how to stabilize you. And your core… we'll figure out why it won't solidify."
Jamie's eyes flicker to the side, looking at him. "You noticed that?"
"Yeah." Danny blinks once, eyes widening. "Wait, you knew. Why didn't you say anything? Do you know why it's doing that?"
The clone shrugs, lips pursed, shoulders almost rising to his ears. The motion is almost forcefully casual, even as he pointedly avoids Danny's eyes.
Danny sighs, trying another angle. "You lied to Jason about where you came from."
Another shrug. "So?"
"So? You've never destabilized before. You're not even a full ghost. You're not one of Plasmuis' clones. He didn't make you. I…it was…" Danny stumbles over the words, blushing. "I'm the… you know. It was-"
"It was you." Jamie cuts in, voice oddly even. "You can say it. It was you. You made Jamie… me."
"I… yes, it was me. I made… god, this is weird to say." Jamie's eyes dart to him, something that might be hurt. Danny forces himself to finish the words. "I made you."
"Yes, you did." There's the smallest bit of edge to the words, the clone's brow furrowed.
Danny's mouth feels dry, pieces seeming to connect. "Do you… do you think I'm ashamed of you? Is that why you didn't want to tell Jason? Because… yeah, I've not been that free with talking about it…. I… I didn't expect for this to happen. I still don't really understand how. I don't understand how you exist. You were… were just a duplicate and then you weren't. And… yeah, it's weird by human standard. But I'm not human. So I don't know how but I made you and… and I'm not ashamed of-"
"Damn it Danny." Jamie interrupts with surprising heat. "It's not all about you."
Danny's mouth snaps shut, feeling chastised. At the same time, the anxious self-consciousness dies. No, this isn't about him, is it? Jamie is the one who's hurting.
When the half ghost speaks again, his voice is soft, almost coaxing. "What is this about then?"
"Nothing you'd understand." The clone bites back, the gentle tone seeming to have the opposite effect.
"You're really going to use that one on me?" Danny raises a brow, voice still calm.
Jamie says nothing, lips a hard line.
"Jamie, you know I love you." The half ghost continues. "I want to help."
"Just stop." The words are a harsh growl.
"No, I'm not going to." Danny cut in, determination giving his own voice a hard edge. "I'm not going to stop fighting for you. You don't want to tell the Bats I made you? Fine. But let me understand."
Through gritted teeth. "I said, stop."
He really shouldn't still be pushing. He really shouldn't. But if he could just get his twin to believe him… "I've been scared too. The Bats finding out about all this terrified me. I get being scared."
"Stop." Blue eyes glare.
"You're scared too, of how Jason will reaction. I get it." If he could remind Jamie of how much he was known and loved…. "I've literally known you as long as you've existed. You and me, from the beginning. If anyone understands-."
"No, you don't." The words cut, a blade of fire. "You don't understand." In a blink, the clone sits up, eyes glowing green. "You're real. You're not some illusion dreamed up by a lonely teenager." He spreads his arms, voice rising. "You didn't just suddenly exist one day and have to deal with all the pain and fear and…"
Jamie trails off, fiery anger flickering ever so slightly into something pale and haunted.
Danny's mind stutters, overwhelmed with the biting words. "You… you asked for this." A misstep; his brain screams to reverse... "I looked you in the face and asked if you wanted to exist and-"
"I know that!" The words are a shout, even as Jamie's eyes start to mist. "I know!" The next shout cracks, something broken and distraught. "I… I…" The tears spill. "I know." The sentence falls heavy, as devasted as it is hauntedly resigned.
The half ghost blinks, thoughts sputtering. He watches, frozen as his twin's cries turn into sobs. Jamie rocks slightly, arms wrapped around his chest in something that might be self-soothing. Danny's heart shatters and his mind, finally, spurns into action.
In a heartbeat, he is sitting on the bed beside his brother, drawing the devastated Jamie into his arms. The clone sobs into his shoulder, chest heaving. Danny's hands ball into his brother's lose shirt and his mind can't help but flashback.
That night his lonely core cried for someone to embrace, and a miracle appeared to comfort him. The first time he saw the spark which would grow into his Jamie.
The reminder hurts, a sick kind of symmetry. Then Jamie held him, even just sparked into being. And now, Danny holds him, the clone mourning that very existence.
The half ghost's heart pounds, raw and aching. He fights to keep the tears from his face. He… he doesn't know what to do, what to say, how to make this better. Can he even make this better?
He doesn't regret making Jamie. He can't. He won't. He never will. It's much too late to even think of regret. The deed is already done. Jamie exists. It's too late to let him fade away. Not that Danny thinks he ever could have done that.
So Danny does all he can, he holds Jamie while he cries.
Slowly, the tears quiet. The heaving of the clone's chest slows. He sniffs, a shaky breath. The grief-curled shoulders lift, arms dropping to his sides. Just when Danny thinks Jamie will pull away, arms wrap around his back.
"Spectra was… was right." His brother whimpers, broken voice right beside his ear. "I'm not strong enough. I'll never… never be strong enough to be real."
Danny's heart stutters at the words. Still, he's not as surprised as he'd expect. "Spectra is a liar." The words are emphatic, the glare over the other boy's shoulder, directed at the absent shadow ghost, wrathful. Then a breath to calm. "You are real." His voice gentles. "You are real. I promise you are. I…I just wish I could get you to see that too."
With that, Jamie finally does pull away. His eyes fix down on his lap, a look of disappointment. "Maybe if I try… try harder-"
"No." The half ghost's eyes widen. "That's not…" He shakes his head fervently. "You don't have to try harder to be real. It's not about how strong you are, or what you do, or how much effort you put in. It's just… who you are. You already are real."
The clone doesn't say anything for a long moment. His brow furrows, pained eyes far away.
Finally, Jamie breathes shakily. "Then why does it hurt?" New tears well. "If…if this is it, if this is being real, why does it hurt so much?"
The question strikes, driving a stake through Danny's heart. Guilt bubbles. It threatens to tear at his throat. Despite the choice Jamie had, the older half ghost still pulled him into this life. And yet…
His pained eyes drift to his lap. "It's not just you." Even as young as Danny himself is, he knows this. "Pain is a part of life for everyone." The half ghost drags his head up, sorrowfully meeting Jamie's eyes. "You know how I ended up in Gotham."
The clone's shoulder falls, biting his lip. "How do you deal with it?"
"I… I don't know." Danny wishes Jazz was here. She would have an answer, the perfect words to comfort. Or for one heart shattering moment… he wishes for his mom or dad, for some wise parental advice. But… Danny swallows. "I'm still trying to figure that out. I guess… I've just kept going 'cause I have to, but…" Something churns in his core, a flicker of hope. "Having you here, not being a lone has really helped."
Still, Jamie looks disappointed. Resigned words are muttered. "That is why you made Jamie."
"No." Danny bites his tongue, cursing yet another misstep. "That's not… that's not what I mean. I'm not trying to make this about me. It's about you." His voice pleads. "You deserve to not be alone, to have people who love you. I love you. I love you so much." He reaches for Jamie, hand resting beside the other boy's on the bed but not quite touching. "But you deserve so much more than just me. More family, more friends. You deserve… you deserve the world."
The clone boy does not say anything for a long moment, head hung low and eyes avoidant. At the same time, Danny's heart bleeds in his chest. He silently begs. Please, let Jamie listen, understand, believe the words.
Finally, his twin's head lifts slightly, hand lifting to cover his. "Other people…" He hesitates over the words. "You mean Jazz, Sam, Tucker, and Ellie. You really do want me to meet them."
"Yes." Danny nods, full of sincerity. "They're going to love you so much, if you give them a chance."
"And Jason…" He bites his lip, hesitant. "He'll love Jamie… me too, if give him a chance?"
"He already cares about you a lot." Danny reassures. "Telling him you started out as my duplicate won't change that. If anything, it'll let him understand you and help you better. You saw how he was tonight, before leaving for vigilante stuff. All that concern. He worries because he cares."
Jamie's expression softens ever so slightly. "Know that. Know that. Want to trust him. But…" Something between doubt and guilt flickers in his eyes.
"Trusting is hard." Danny guesses, heart aching in empathy. "I get it. After everything I've been through… I get it." He frowns, his own flicker of guilt in his eyes. "You probably inherited some of that from me and… I'm sorry for that."
The clone shakes his head. "It's not just from you. It's…" He hisses through his teeth, a pained sound. "Everything is so much. It's... it's so hard." One hand balls the fabric of his shirt over his chest. "Everything… trying to exist is hard. Being new is hard and scary and…" His voice trembles. "Earlier, when you went to tell Jason…. Got scared. Started panicking, started melting and…"
Danny shifts his hand, moving to hold his brother's. "It's okay now. You're safe."
Jamie's trembling hand squeezes his. "Just thought…" Tears starts to well again. "Just keep thinking. If… if Jason finds out, he'll be so mad. He'll know… he'll know Jamie isn't real-"
"You are real." Danny cuts in, once more emphatic. His clone frowns, expression watery. Still, the older presses on. "I will keep saying that to you until you believe it."
A long, heavy pause. Again, the tears fell. Danny waits, again pulling Jamie into his arms. He hugs, keenly aware of the cacophony of emotions radiating from his twin. The fear, sorrow, guilt, and a thousand other nuisances Danny can't parse, whisper, a dim reflection of the storm in the other boy's heart.
Finally, his brother whimpers. "Want to… want to believe. Want to but…" Gently he pulls way, wiping at his face. "In here, says…" He points to his head. "Here sometimes says that Jamie is real. Sometimes says that Jamie isn't. Isn't real. Just… just a duplicate, not strong enough or good enough to be anything… anything more." He shakes his head, eyes pinned on his lap. "Want to… want to believe. Want to be real. But… real is scary and hurts. And being real… being Jamie…don't…. don't know how…" The words trail off.
Danny's heart breaks, yet again "That's… none of that is true. You're not a duplicate." Again, he pleads. "You are real. You deserve to be real. And you are strong enough. You are."
A thickness in his throat chokes his words. The echo of previous pleas ring in his head. He has vowed that Jamie is real, just earlier in this conversation. But…. slowly, memories of other times trickle into his mind.
Just earlier today, Jamie crying that he wasn't strong enough, while melting on the floor. After Spectra, his twin whimpering that it wasn't safe for him to exist. Their fight about calling Duke, stuttering that they can't ask for help because Jamie isn't real. The first time Jamie overshadowed him, shakingly asking if Jamie is supposed to be human too. Each time marked with guilt and doubt, with tremblingly fearful uncertainty.
Each time, Danny offered comfort. Warm hugs, loving care rippling across their bond, words of reassurance. That Jamie was strong enough, that he was worth the danger, that his brother was real, that Jamie is just "supposed" to be what he is. Yes, he didn't do that great a job during their fight but he has tried so hard.
And yet…
The clone smiles softly, the crease of his lips unquestioningly real. And the light in his eyes… "I'm so happy you're here." The spark is brighter than ever.
Jamie shrugs. "This was your doing."
"Yeah, I'm the one who made a duplicate. But," Danny chuckles. "I have no idea how you're real."
For a second, an expression flickers on the clone's face. It ripples through their bond, an emotion that Danny does not quite understand. Something like self-doubt…
That… that was so early in his twin's development, just after the first time Jason meet the real Jamie.
And now… Jamie wipes his face of tears again. That same doubt flickers over his features, the same complex emotion.
Doubt and fear, present even back then and building over all these weeks. Guilt stabs at Danny's heart, an ugly feeling. Just now he finally noticed the full depth of those feelings.
And… the doubt in his brother's almost core, even after Danny empathic core-felt reassurance.
The guilt in Danny's chest curdles into something distressed. A bitter realization dawns.
He… he can't make Jamie believe him, not matter how many times he says the words, more matter how strong his pleas. Jamie is his own person, he can choose to believe the comfort or he cannot. Jamie can choose to accept he is real, or as paradoxical as it sounds, he can reject that fact. Danny can never make the decision for him.
This revelation… it shatters his heart. A feeling of helplessness wells, terror at the futility of his words. In a flashing second, it threatens to drown.
But…
No! The half ghost clamps down on the feeling, wilting under Jamie's side-eye. His twin just began to sense that hopeless feeling. But… no, he can't think like this. He can't. He…
He remembers. Danny remembers. Devastated and alone, Jamie hugging him. Jazz, Sam, and Tucker before him. His sister's determined eyes that never gave up on him, Sam's hands that tendered his injuries, Tucker's laughing quips that distracted from the pain. At his lowest and most depressed, even the trustiest comforting words could stab like a knife. But despite his rejection of their words, his loved ones always stayed by his side.
Finally, Danny breathes shakily. "I… I know you don't believe me but…" The better realization blooms through watery eyes. "You are real. I won't give up on you. I'll keep fighting for you, whether you believe me or not."
He will keep loving his twin, no matter what.
For a long moment, Jamie does not response. At least not with words. His doubtful expression twitches, morphing into something as tentative as it is pained. And across their bond…. A feeling that isn't belief but is almost wanting, a faltering desire to believe.
The older boy's brow furrows, mind searching for words until…. Danny yawns, his eyes watering after the exhale.
Jamie's face finally does soften. "You should sleep. You didn't get a nap earlier."
Danny opens his mouth to argue, but his brother pins him with a look, one eyebrow raised. The older sighs, conceding. He stands from the bed, walking to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
A few minutes later, he returns and Jamie rises to do that same. Danny lifts the covers of the bed closest to the door, settling underneath. True to his yawning, he is tired but worry still wraps its cold fingers around his core.
The anger that led to Jamie snapping at him, his maker. Was that bitterness, resentment at being made to exist? And the fear and pain his twin struggles to cope with. The terror at trusting Jason with his origin. Is Danny right in thinking that panic is what led to Jamie's destabilizing? All these tangled feelings. And at their core…
Jamie still doubts he is real.
Core still anxiously churning, the half ghost barely registers the bathroom door closing.
Jamie doubts he is real and the revelation stings.
The lights flicker off, leaving the room in darkness.
Spectra most certainly had an impact, her words haunting longer after they were spoken. But…
The sound of Jamie's foots steps approach.
The guilt stabs again. Danny can't help but wonder if he did something wrong.
The covers lift. The mattress shifts, the weight of a body added to it. The movement jerks the older boy out of his spiraling thoughts.
His breath holds, eyes wide as Jamie lies down on his bed, back facing Danny's chest.
His twin's shy, quiet voice. "Is this okay?"
The half ghost's mind catches up. "Yeah." He blinks once. "It's okay."
Even quieter. "Can… can Ja… I sleep with you?"
The anxiety and surprise vanish. Warm and tender, Danny's heart squeezes.
"Yes, of course." He quickly agrees.
Part of him argues, it is practical. If Jamie starts destabilizing in the night, it will be quicker to stop it if the younger boy is closer. But a larger, more tender part remembers being eight and crawling into bed with Jazz after a nightmare. And…. Even just months again, after traveling to the future and seeing a monster with his face destroy the world… Danny isn't too proud to admit that he cried to his sister after those hellish nightmares too.
Danny exhales, arms moving forward to wrap around his brother. "Come here."
Jamie shuffles back slightly, back pressed to his older brother's chest.
"It's going to be alright." Danny soothes, an echo of what Jazz had said to him.
The clone nods, offering his own shakily repeat. "It is going to be okay." Slowly, his body relaxes. The nervous pattering of his imitation heart calms. His breathing begins to slow.
Danny breathes, his own muscles and heart doing the same. His mind slows and calms, drifting into dark fuzziness.
Still holding each other, the brothers fall asleep.
Notes:
I've debated a lot of how much of my heart behind this story I want to share here. But as painful as vulnerability can be, this is too important. (Heavy discussion incoming)
I live in the US, so I'd say it's not surprising that my musing on the pain and uncertainty of life have something to do with current events. I'm like Jamie in this situation, hurting and scared. Last week, when those feelings were particularly bad, there was some cursing even being born. And I'm also like Danny. I'm seeing other people hurting, both distantly through the internet and as close as my immediate family (my dad is a federal employee who's spent the last two week angry and terrified off getting fired at the drop of a hat.). And I'm so completely helpless to do anything, to materially help or even offer comforting words. So, I'm trying my best to do what I'm always called to do: love the people around me as best I can.
Religious (Christian) discussion below so feel free to skip if that doesn't interest you.
God is sovereign. I tell myself this all the time. This is what I told my parents, who are both Christians, on the phone earlier to try and comfort them. God is in control. He is working all things together for good, though I do not understand how this plan is good. I know every single wrong will either be absolved by Jesus's death on the cross or it will be answered for by those who refuse to repent. I know this but those words by themselves are so hard to believe.
Sometime, words alone fall short. I've seen that even last night, when offering my family, who all very much know and love God, the comforting truth, only for the words to barely even register. I cannot comfort perfectly, I am just human. Nor do I have all the answers. I struggle to believe too.
But the best advice I can offer: Go to Jesus. In my experience when the darkness and fear are too much, the only solution that offers real peace, real comfort is going to Jesus.
Listen to his words in Matthew 11.
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Come to Jesus. Bring Him your pain, your fears, your uncertainty. He promises rest, relief, comfort.
One of my favorite passages in the Bible: Hebrews 4:14-19
14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Jesus, our high priest, lives to intercede with God the Father for us. He understands every human pain, every frailty. He empathizes with you. He weeps with you in your pain. And more than all that, if we approach God's throne of grace, if we cry out to him, we will receive grace to helps us. God is rich in mercy and grace. He loves to pour it out on us.
I am saying all this to you as some who has felt and seen these promises fulfilled. God has been here, by my side through every single day of my 30 years of life. Every battle with depression and anxiety, every trouble big and small. He has comforted me in the dead of night when I cried myself to sleep. He pursued me when I ran from Him, when I was angry at Him, blaming Him for my circumstances. Jesus has never given up on me.
And He will never give up on you. So if you need comfort, go to Him. Pray, talk to Jesus like you would a trusted friend. Read the Bible, God's words of love to humanity. He promises that if you seek Him, you will find Him. That if you cry out, He will answer. If these words spoke to you at all, I plead with you to listen and to pray. Approach Jesus with your uncertainty and doubt, even with your anger and questions. He will answer.