Phil never really thought about whether he wanted to have kids one day or not.

He grew up an only child. His father was an only child too, and his mother had one brother - Phil's uncle - who never married or had any children either. So there weren't any baby siblings around for Phil to dote on, no adorable younger nieces or nephews to lure out Phil's paternal instincts. He always assumed that when he found a partner, the bridge on if he'd ever become a father or not could be crossed then. But until that happened, he was quite content.

For a while, Phil was too invested in his studies and then his career to get into a relationship anyway. He honestly wouldn't have cared if he stayed single his entire life, because he didn't feel like he was lacking anything without romance, but a few years ago he met a wonderful woman named Kristin. And she happened to have a son.

Phil has been trying to take an active role in Tommy's life ever since Kristin and he got serious about their involvement. But it's still very different from having a child in his home full-time. So he has no idea what he's getting into.

"Do you know where he'll go?"

Puffy levels him with a stare over her paperwork. It is the sort of stare Phil has grown pretty familiar with since she aims it at him often. The slight narrowing of her light brown eyes means that he is fishing for information that should be confidential, but that Puffy will probably divulge anyway because she likes Phil an above average amount.

They're the same. Neither of them are technically cops, but they both have a job within law enforcement which means they frequently run into each other. Phil as a consultant specialized in criminal psychology, Puffy as a social worker who often handles the more unique cases that require police intervention.

"We're trying to figure that out," she says after a moment, brushing her fingers through her curls and casting her eyes back to the file. "There's no family as far as we know, no birth certificate either. He was probably born on the compound."

Phil nods. "That's the impression I got, yeah."

"He says his mother died but obviously we don't have a death certificate either. They did find several sets of human remains on the premises. Autopsy report isn't done yet but I'm assuming they buried the poor girl out back if she didn't survive the delivery."

"Fuck," Phil says empathetically. Because that's the only word he can really use. All of this is fucked up.

"Even if he has any relatives to find, it's going to take weeks. So he'll have to go into crisis care until then." Puffy frowns, clearly not too pleased with the thought. "Any kind of group home is out of the question."

Yeah, Phil doesn't think Techno will do well surrounded by a bunch of other kids. Or strangers in general. Finding a foster family that will have the time and ability to take care of a child with Techno's background sounds hard. Phil wouldn't even know where to start.

He steps closer to the wall, out of the way of a nurse rushing past them while the intercom blares about some emergency on another floor.

"What about keeping him here in the hospital until you find something more suited?" Phil asks.

"Maybe. Physically, he's perfectly fine. So we'd have to put him on psych hold," Puffy says. "And then he'll be in the children's ward anyway, which causes the same issue. I don't know if it'll be better for him."

Again, Phil nods.

"Theoretically he'd do best if we didn't have to put him with a stranger at all," Puffy adds, "but he has never known anybody or anything outside of the cult."

"He knows me."

Phil doesn't think about what he intends to mean with the statement, it just kinda pops out of his mouth. Objectively he's speaking the truth. Everybody else in the cult either got arrested or is facing their own long journey in therapy and support groups, needing to deprogram themselves from the Blood God cult's indoctrination. He's more or less the only one who was a part of that group without being compromised - basically because he never was truly a part of it.

"And you'd take him in?" Puffy asks, a little skeptical.

Phil tries not to take it to heart. She's only looking out for Techno's best interests, and Phil doesn't exactly have the credentials to be looking after young children either. Foster care is a complicated process, with many hoops you have to jump through to get approved.

But then why does Phil feel unable to get Techno's terrified sobbing out of his head?

"If you can make it happen," he says. "I could look after him. At least for a while, until you work out something better."

He might never have done anything like it, he genuinely wants whatever would be best for Techno. After everything he went through, he deserves a proper fresh start. And not to be immediately traumatized in a different way by being put into the system and losing everything he's familiar with. Phil is a psychologist, he has the skills to navigate Techno's fragile mental state. So all he has to worry about is the 'taking care of a child' part.

How hard can that truly be?

Well, current Phil would like to have a conversation with past Phil about impulsive choices.

"So, this is it," he says with a lame little wave of his arms. Techno barely moves his head, eyes darting around Phil's tiny apartment. Phil had to speedrun a deep clean of the place after Puffy told him she'd see about pulling some strings that would allow him to bring Techno home. Never had it been so obvious to him before that he lives in a bachelor's pad. The little bowl of potpourri Kristin put in his toilet after her first visit hardly helps. There were dirty clothes and old dishes scattered everywhere, books and papers on practically every surface, and he probably was creating a tripping hazard due to unsafe use of extension cords. Not Phil's fault that he enjoys watching TV from the comfort of his couch while being on his laptop at the same time.

But he got all of that taken care of. And Techno didn't cry or scream when they told him that Phil would be taking care of him for the time being. So that's a win.

"My bedroom is just down the hall on the left," Phil points out. "The door across from it is where you'll be sleeping."

Technically, it used to be Phil's home office but there had always been a bed in there for the occasional guests. Mostly Tommy stayed there the few times he slept over. Phil moved all the important bits to his own bedroom, so it should be suitable for Techno.

Techno nods, still mostly occupied with looking around.

"The door closest to us is the bathroom," Phil goes on. "Do you want to take a bath or a shower right now? The hospital stay might have left you feeling icky."

Looking down at himself for a moment - taking in the too long jeans and uncomfortable sweater the nurse put Techno in because the only clothes he had were the cult's strange traditional garb - Techno frowns a little. "Yes," he says, softly. His voice doesn't carry, but thankfully Phil is kind of hovering nearby, trying not to fuck up this parenting thing within the first hour.

"Great. Yeah, sure. Uh, do you need help washing up?" Phil asks.

Techno is eight years old, Phil assumes that's about the age most kids can take care of that stuff by themselves. Techno isn't most kids, though. He was raised in complete isolation and dependency, so Phil would rather double-check if Techno is comfortable doing something on his own than make any assumptions.

But Techno nods his affirmative. Phil is secretly a little relieved. "I'll get you something to wear while sleeping."

Two drawers in Phil's bedroom are dedicated to Kristin's possessions. There are mostly clothes in there and assorted small knick knacks she doesn't always want to carry back and forth when visiting him or could be likely to forget, like an extra phone charger. Phil also finds a set of pajamas that belong to Tommy. Techno is about two years older but seems to have a pretty small stature, possibly due to malnutrition in early childhood. So they should be fine for him to wear until they get proper ones.

Back in the bathroom, Techno is standing in front of the floor-length mirror, staring at himself intently. It crosses Phil's mind that he can't remember seeing a single mirror in the compound, not even in the bathroom. Vanity is a sin in the Blood God's teachings. Possibly, this is one of the first times Techno has ever seen himself.

"You can use these tonight," Phil says as he walks closer. "We should probably go shopping tomorrow, get you some stuff."

Techno doesn't react, one hand pressed to his cheek.

"Techno?" Phil asks tentatively.

The boy blinks, seemingly pulling himself out of deep thought. He turns to glance at Phil, then sees the sleeping clothes in his arms. "Thank you."

Phil leaves them on the counter for Techno and gives some simple instructions on how to operate the shower knobs before returning to the kitchen area. He sighs deeply, rubbing at his face. What the hell has he gotten himself into? What if all of this is a huge mistake?

He swallows it down a moment later. Phil is the adult in this situation. He can manage this. He needs to manage this, for Techno's sake. He starts cooking noodles with red sauce, a classic. Phil doesn't think there's a single child who doesn't eat it. While he makes the food, he listens closely to the sounds coming from the bathroom. First the water running, then the shuffling of Techno moving around which can be heard through the too thin walls. Around the time he's plating the noodles, Techno appears in the doorway, dragging his socked feet.

His long hair is wet and clinging to his shoulders, some of it getting in his face. Phil doesn't have any hair ties.

Phil smiles at him. "Do you feel better now?"

"Yes," Techno says politely. He takes a seat at the table when Phil gestures at it, clearing his throat a bit. "Can I ask a question?"

"Of course," Phil replies as he fetches his own plate.

"When am I going home?"

Phil almost freezes.

He decides not to respond until he's also sitting down, so he can look Techno in the face and address him correctly, making sure to choose his words carefully.

"With home, do you mean the cabins?" Phil wants to confirm. He doubts it could be anything else, Puffy was right when she said that place is the only thing Techno has ever known.

"The sanctuary," Techno corrects. "Where all the Chosen live."

Phil rubs the handle of his fork with one thumb. Techno hasn't touched his cutlery at all.

"I'm afraid you won't be going back there at all, Techno," Phil says. "It's not safe. Some of the Chosen turned out to be bad people, and they did bad things. So that needs to be sorted first."

Techno takes this information in silently, not reacting much.

"Does not going back upset you?" Phil asks gently.

"I don't think so," Techno says, though he sounds rather uncertain about it. Phil realizes Techno already struggled with uncertainty before he arrived at the cult. But it must still be very confusing, and Techno deserves to slowly be eased into the truth. It'll be better for him to come to his own conclusions, rather than have Phil spoonfeed new opinions to him.

"You can stay here as long as you like," he says. "And if you at any point don't want to stay here anymore, you can tell me. We'll figure something out that makes you happy."

For the first time since they sat down, Techno looks up at him shyly, blue eyes peeking out from beneath his soggy bangs. The sight is a little comical - pathetic in the way those wet cat memes are that Kristin adores so much - yet Phil can't help but smile at it. He grips his fork more firmly and spears some pasta.

"Eat now before it goes completely cold," he says.

Prompted by the words, Techno reaches into his plate. He picks up the end of a noodle and sticks it into his mouth. Phil stares at him doing this, trying not to laugh.

"Techno, what are you- why are you using your hands?" he chuckles.

Techno winces slightly, looking nervous. "That's how I've always done it," he defends quickly. But his eyes are already cast down again, prepared for Phil's anger.

That's why Phil is fast to wave it away. "No, it's fine. You can eat however you want. But it might be easier if I cut the food up then?"

Skeptical, Techno squints at him for a moment. But then he sits back. "Yes please."

Phil leans over the table, so he can mix the sauce and noodles before cutting them up. When he's done, Techno continues eating with his hands, sometimes closing his eyes for longer periods. He doesn't need to see his plate this way, Phil supposes. It's a little strange but not exactly harming anybody.

Techno will have a lot of habits like that, most of which he'll probably need to unlearn if he wants to function in the real world. A long road ahead of him.

All Phil can do is try and make it so Techno has a good start on that journey.

"Don't let go of my hand," Phil says.

Techno makes a face, almost as if he's offended by the reminder. Techno had been pretty docile during the ride over too, no fidgeting or chatter. He just stared out the window. Phil is more used to Tommy's erratic behavior.

And if he allows Tommy to creep an inch from his sight, that boy is out licking a fire hydrant or something equally unhinged. So sue Phil for being cautious.

He already picked one of the quieter moments to head to the mall. Techno does seem to be easily distracted and Phil doesn't want him to get overwhelmed. Techno wraps his fingers around Phil's, one step behind as they walk into the building. Phil spots the nearest store that sells children's clothing and heads straight over.

He recognizes one of the brands from the labels of Tommy's clothes, steering them in that direction. No need to complicate matters, right? He falters when he gets to the racks, unsure. "What do you like to wear?" he asks Techno.

Techno doesn't initially respond, looking at the frankly ridiculous amount of options. Maybe Phil is a little biased, he's not the most fashionable guy. There is absolutely no reason for a child to own ten different types of outerwear though. But he waits, allowing Techno the time to consider.

"This one," Techno says eventually, not an answer to the question technically but he does reach out to put his hand on a sweater. The fabric is lightweight and a pure white in color. There are red patterns embroidered around the bottom hem, the collar, and both sleeves.

Phil bites his tongue.

"Sure," he says after a moment. "If that's the one you want."

The most important part is that Techno learns to voice his opinion.

And he certainly seems to not care about anything else, shrugging his way through Phil also choosing a few pairs of jeans, plain shirts, a dark grey hoodie, and a simple raincoat for him.

They visit a small bookshop where Phil picks up some stationary for Techno, pens and colored pencils and coloring books since he remembers Techno drew as part of his cult life. While Phil's first instinct would be to keep Techno as far away as he can manage from any activity that connects him to the cult, the more rational part of him knows that uprooting Techno is already traumatic enough. If he wants to keep drawing, who is Phil to take that from him?

They visit a toy shop too, though Techno seems even more reluctant to pick something out from there. His expression betrays that everything about this is foreign to him. Perhaps not surprising since the religion of the Blood God is staunchly anti-capitalist and Techno probably never had toys growing up either. Phil settles on a few puzzles and a set of wooden figures with all kinds of farm animals. They are aimed at kids younger than Techno, but should be simple enough to start with.

While they're walking to the next place, Techno suddenly squeezes his hand.

"Has all of this always been out here?" he asks, a little breathless, close to upset.

"Yes," Phil says. Because he knows Techno means the world that didn't end. According to Puffy, that's what they told Techno.

Techno stays silent after that, a frown on his face.

The grocery store is last on the list. Phil needs to get extra food now that there are two people in his apartment, and he wants to get stuff Techno will like too. Not that either of them has any idea what that means.

"What about cereal?" Phil tries, picking up one of the boxes and wiggling it around a bit. "It's not the healthiest option but I won't hold that against you."

The joke doesn't necessarily land. Techno looks a little sick with consternation, rather.

"I don't know," he says. "I usually have bread."

"With what on it?" Phil asks, grasping at straws.

But Techno shrugs. "Just bread."

"Hm, okay. I'd really love for you to have more variety in your diet though." Bread for breakfast and lunch, and then a dinner prepared by cult initiates. Phil wonders what the average dietician would say about that.

"I always have what Chat has to eat," Techno says.

"I know," Phil sighs. He looks at the shelves again. "Would you be fine having what I have then?"

A dubious scowl takes its place on Techno's face for all of ten seconds. Phil is not Chat. And clearly that's something Techno doesn't take lightly.

Then, after a moment, Techno answers. "I guess that's fine."

Another small win.

Puffy calls him after four days to confirm that Techno has no other relatives to contact. She inquires about looking for a more permanent placement. Phil tells her to take her time, that they've been getting by.

That night, Techno wakes up from a nightmare screaming his lungs out.

When Phil enters the room, Techno's first reaction is to flinch away from him, to cower into the wall and pull on his hair. But as soon as Phil sits down on the bed, Techno clings to him instead. He cries for close to an hour, needing Phil to rub his back and remind him to breathe multiple times. It's good he knows how to deal with panic attacks, though this one is quite severe.

Techno, finally calmed down enough to stop shaking, rubs his teary face against Phil's chest.

"Why did they lie to me?" Techno asks.

And after everything, the poor child deserves the truth. More than anything, Phil wishes he had a solid answer. "I don't know," he says.

Techno falls asleep in his arms, Phil waiting for another solid thirty minutes to assure himself Techno won't wake up before he tucks him in.

Phil might be a psychologist, he's not a child psychologist.

One of the requirements Puffy laid out for him as part of taking in Techno was that he still has to take Techno to a proper pediatric psychologist three times a week. Phil has absolutely no issue with this. He can use all the help he can get. And he trusts Simon implicitly. They're close friends, met in their university days.

What he doesn't appreciate is that Simon is a bit too keen on making fun of him.

"Just because you have a child now doesn't mean you need to start dressing like a dad already," Simon says with a snort when he sees him.

Phil bristles a little, crossing his arms. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? I always dress like this."

Simon raises an amused eyebrow, poignantly looking at the stains on Phil's hastily thrown on green jumper. Phil laughs, rubbing at one.

"Techno spilled a glass of milk this morning. I was in a hurry so I didn't change," he explains.

Smiling, Simon turns to look through the glass. Techno is sitting at a desk inside, filling out a bunch of questionnaires and exam type stuff. Phil isn't entirely up to date on what exactly is on them, despite Simon explaining it to him. From what he gathers, it's meant to assess Techno's education level. Puffy says that it's important they see about getting Techno enrolled into some type of schooling sooner rather than later, both to ensure his development and because it's a big step in adjusting to society and other people.

Knowing what level Techno is currently at will be the first step. After that, they can see about a method that would work best for Techno, whether that is some type of homeschooling, tutoring with professionals, going to an actual school part-time, or a combination of such.

It's a lot of work. An additional hurdle to the fostering process that Phil didn't expect. But he doesn't mind. Techno has been living with him for close to three weeks now and he's honestly been pretty proud of the progress.

"He still doesn't open up a lot to me," Simon says conversationally, though also probably taking the opportunity to touch base with Phil's experience. "He talks a lot about what it was like being in the cult. Being the… the Conduit." The word clearly carries some distaste for Simon. Phil shares the sentiment. "But he never delves into how he feels about it."

"Yeah," Phil agrees. "He's the same at home."

"There's some other stuff too. Body language, the way he expresses himself, or how he processes things. It's hard to tell given how he was raised, but I'd like to test for neurodivergency."

"Really?" Phil pulls his eyes away from Techno, looking at Simon.

"No harm in leaving no stone unturned, right?" Simon asks.

After a moment's consideration, Phil nods. "If you think it'd be good for him."

He hesitates to put any more labels on Techno when the immersion into regular society is already going to be so difficult for him, but Simon is right. And if Techno is neurodivergent, it'll be better to know and get him accommodations than flounder and blame all struggles on trauma.

When the allotted time Techno has to fill out his assessment is done, Simon goes inside to retrieve the papers and continue the session. Phil wanders off into the waiting room of the mental health center again, strongly in need of a black coffee. He was so busy making Techno's breakfast he forgot to have any.

A soft voice calls from behind him right as Phil presses the button. "Oh, Phil, is that you?"

He turns to see Niki standing there, awkwardly clutching some forms to her chest. Phil smiles kindly at her.

"Oh hey," he says. "I didn't know you came to this place too?"

"My psychologist has her office here," Niki says. She shuffles her feet a little awkwardly, but doesn't seem in a hurry to run away. Maybe the deer-in-the-headlight disposition is just a permanent fixture for her.

Phil takes the carton cup out of the dispenser. "You look great. How have you been doing?"

Niki tucks some hair behind her ear and offers a small, fragile grin at the compliment. Phil means it. She has dyed all of her hair the same dark brown color now. She's wearing clothes she's obviously more comfortable in than the initiates outfit they forced her to wear at the compound. The noticeable bags under her eyes aren't completely gone but definitely have become less profound.

"I'm doing-" She halts herself. "Well, to be honest, it's been a bit of a mess. That's fine though. I'm learning how to deal with messes."

"That's good to hear," Phil says sincerely. Niki wasn't as entranced within the cult as some others, being a very recent recruit at the moment of Phil's joining. While she's a far cry from being okay, she is now getting the true help she needs.

He sips the coffee, scowling at the bitter taste. "Fuck," he almost gags, and it makes Niki chuckle slightly.

Phil throws it in the trash right then and there. He's not that sleep-deprived yet.

He reaches into his coat pocket instead. "Here's my card. If you ever want to give me a call," he starts.

Niki's eyes widen, and she lowers her chin, hiding behind her hair. "Oh, no, Phil, like I said, I already have a psychologist-"

"Not as a psychologist," Phil assures quickly. "As a friend. I never properly thanked you for all your help back there. We can go grab a coffee. I promise to find a place that serves better hot drinks than this one." He nods at the machine.

Hesitating only for a moment longer, Niki takes the card from him, holding it in her hand as if it's something precious. "Thank you," she says. "I would like that."

Techno has discovered a newfound fascination with nature documentaries.

Phil assumes it's because he never went anywhere outside the compound. The world terrifies and overwhelms him, but from the safety of Phil's couch and under a blanket, he can watch all there is to find on the vastness of planet Earth. Or that's what the intro of each episode claims.

Phil is fine with it. He'll encourage any hobby Techno shows more than apathy towards, meaning he's not differing to Phil on what he should be doing.

He's sitting at the table while working on some patient reports when somebody knocks on the door. Phil gets up and goes to answer it, a bit confused because he's not expecting anybody.

Tommy slides past him as soon as he opens the door.

"Kristin?" Phil looks at the woman standing in front of him. The most gorgeous woman in the world. His girlfriend.

Coincidentally the woman whose texts he's been ignoring for the past few days.

"Oh, good, you're not dead," Kristin says with a little smirk, putting one hand on her hip. "Could have fooled me."

"Why would you think I'm dead?" Phil asks, allowing her to scoot past him into the hallway.

"Your last messages were pretty suspicious," Kristin returns easily. "First it was the mysterious trip to an unknown location where you'd be unreachable by phone." She counts the reasons off on her finger as she continues. "Then it was you being back in town but too busy with work to meet up. And then you asked me not to come over unannounced anymore while you usually love my surprise visits." She spreads her arms. "What gives, Phil?"

"It's- It's hard to explain," Phil says.

He couldn't tell Kristin he was going undercover in a cult, so he'd told her a white lie about a trip. He didn't feel great about deceiving her, but he'd figured he could come clean after his undercover mission was done with. Except, then Techno happened. And Phil got so busy about all of that, he never figured out how to break the news about him fostering a child now.

"All I ask is for you to have the decency to come clean if you're cheating on me," Kristin laughs, walking into the living room. She's not very serious about the accusation, but it still makes Phil hurry to catch up with her.

"It's not like that-"

"Phil, who the fuck is that?" Tommy asks, pointing at the boy sitting next to him on the couch. Tommy just made himself at home, also watching the documentary. Little shit. Techno is staring at them, still more bundled up in blankets than anything, confused by the sudden strangers.

"That is the reason I haven't been answering your texts," Phil sighs.

"Oh, so… did you get really wild in high school once or…?" Kristin ventures. "You know I love kids, you could have told me."

Phil chuckles. "It's more complicated than that."

Before he can explain, Kristin is already approaching Techno on the couch. She kneels down in front of it, smiling gently. "What's your name, sweetie?"

Techno pulls his blanket up so only his eyes peek out, glancing at Phil as if seeking permission. Phil exhales, nodding encouragingly. The child looks back at Kristin.

"Techno," he says shyly.

"It's very nice to meet you, Techno." Kristin stands up again, ruffling his hair. Techno doesn't pull away, doesn't flinch. Progress. Then Kristin looks at Phil. "We need to talk."

"Yeah," Phil admits. "But before that, can I just say you're the most amazing woman on the planet."

Tommy fake gags in the background. "Gross!"

But Kristin smiles and walks up to him, wrapping her arms around him. "Flattery won't get you anywhere, Phil Craft. Start talking."