Hello dear Readers, long time no see, hmm?

I am alive, I know its been... years, and I am sorry.

I will not do as I do and ramble too much, but I owe an update and explanation of what's gone on, so here we go;

I graduated from College in 2021, with a BS in CS, and I spent 6 months unable to find a job because I had no 'experience'.
I could not get an internship, because COVID made that impossible.
I had no experience and no opportunity to gain some. Rejections/no replies on applications tanked my self worth. Immensely.

I found a job eventually, I was excited, eager to learn and grow- had a great time... for 3 months.
The guy who was my supervisor/mentor dropped off the face of the planet, and this (then, 23 year old) fresh out of college became the sole person in charge of all IT, and all programming for the entire company. Just. Me.
I busted my ass, made order out of chaos (so, so much chaos), proved I do actually know what I am doing, and gained some confidence along the way.
The pitfall here was I ended up burning out, really, really fast.

I dreaded going to work, I dreaded the next thing that would catch fire. I found I had little respect, people did not listen to me (sexism here, a female in the tech industry).
I came to resent my work, and it effected everything else.
I found no joy in writing any more. Had no energy to do it. My other hobbies? Same thing.
I tried to get healthy, lose some weight- did it, but... I kinda maybe sort of rocketed myself into an eating disorder compounded by immeasurable anxiety, which made the lack of joy and near depression way, way worse.
Still struggling with the above bit. Trying to do better. Like myself better. It's hard, but we're trying.

Anyway, decided I needed to get out of the hellhole that was my job. Didn't do well for awhile. Was stuck there for two years.
Found a job. In the Federal Government. Felt wanted, it was great. I was eager, willing, the whole works.
Love my job. Love my co-workers. Actually started enjoying life again.
Burnout started to subside, I even got sucked into the Dragon Age hyper fixation and started writing again.
Got this neat lil google docs folder filled with my Rook and her story, and I've been having a blast with it.
It's not public, but it's mine. I did it, I've been doing it, and liked it- there was a light all of a sudden, a return to what I love, faint as it was.

I've been at this Gov Job for almost a year. Had 1 month left to go... anyone in the US knows where this is going.

I got fired. Monday. I never even got a notification about it, I was just locked out. Done.

I've been crying nonstop. My coworkers have been so supportive, my supervisor has been fighting like hell, my director too.
But they went over the heads of anyone who had any real authority to get rid of me. I'm trying to stay positive, to hold out hope, to fight it on my end, join the outcry
But I don't even have the termination letter. I can't go to the union or anything without it. And every request to get it has been shot down.

My mom is livid. She's trying to fight it. My dad is too, but he... has lost any hope of anything better.
RIFs are coming, no one is safe. My fighting is a lost cause, and I... need it not to be. But I dunno.

This hurts. It's raw, it just happened, there's things to come, to try... I've been meaning to make some announcement of my actually being alive for a long time now and I never did. Now I'm doing it, and I didn't want it to be because of this.

I wish I had something better to tell you all. I wish I could be like 'hey! Sorry for the silence, next chappy's out next week :D'

I don't know if I'm gonna finish any of my fics. I have the way they play out in my head, but to write them down and post them? I don't know
That hurts too, because this was a part of my life that was so big, and meant so much... and somewhere along the way it started to mean less, and I can't seem to get it back. I want to, but I don't know how.

But I have read all your comments, seen your messages asking about me, about the stories, about everything. I read them all. I know you're waiting. I am sorry I have nothing better to offer, but this.

Thank you for reading my stuff. For loving my stuff. For worrying about my silence... all of it.

I'm sorry this is not a more positive update, but something surely must be better than nothing?

Either way, I am alive. I exist still, just... not quite as I was before.

And we'll have to see what me there is in future, hmm?

I wish you all the best of luck, I hope good things come your way, I am sorry for anybody with struggles like mine or different. The world is crazy right now and it's only spiraling to some end I do not know- but what comes, comes, and we will get through it, somehow.

Even if the people we are walking out the other side may not be the people we started as.

So, thank you. Be happy guys, try to be. Daydream and write and do whatever your heart desires.
There's so much bad, it's better to find the good things and hold on.

I love you all, please be safe.