A/N: Minimal on-screen violence this chapter. May be the most SFW chapter of all.

Being a few centuries old, Charlie knows a thing or two about the rules of a contract. Specifically, how to get around them.

CHAPTER 9

RULES LAWYER

"Hey, Angel, do you have a minute?"

Angel Dust asked, looking up from the game of Uno he was playing with Husk, Niffty, Vaggie, Sir Pentious, Razzle, and Dazzle. Alastor had rage-quit Uno months ago after being hit with a massive 32, and Charlie was banned from Uno because she never lost. Husk, the ex-gambling overlord had called bullshit.

"Sure, toots, what's up?"

She wrung her fingers nervously, and Angel knew that this was either going to be really bad or really stupid. There was no in-between with her.

"Can I… SeeyourcontractwithValentino?

Angel choked on thin air.

"What?!"

She took a deep breath and calmed herself down, but he was too close to a panic attack to notice.

"I want to see your contract with Valentino," She said, and his breathing quickened rapidly. "I know that it's personal and that you don't want me going anywhere near him, but the first step to getting you away from him is understanding what you're dealing with."

"Missss Charlie, can you break contractssss?" Sir Pentious asked. Charlie laughed.

"No; The hotel would be swamped with guests if I could. Think about it: Overlords have millions of sinners under contract; At least a few hundred would want out. If I could break contracts just like that, they'd all come here on the off chance that I could do it for them.

"I can't break contracts outright, but I do have a JD and an LLM in Rules Lawyering from Beelzebub's Law University. I'm betting that Valentino left a few loopholes that we can exploit."

Angel shook his head.

"There's nothin' that you can do. He owns me."

"If he did, it would be impossible for you to be here; He'd never allow you to live under a roof with both Al and I. Now gimme!"

He sighed, extending an arm and willing the contract into existence.

"Alright, here we go!" Charlie exclaimed. "First mistake was not making it so that you couldn't show your contract to anyone. This is basic stuff! Any Rules Lawyer will foam at the mouth if they were given such easy access."

Husk's ears twitched. Alastor hadn't put that condition on him either, meaning that his chains were a tad bit looser than he originally thought. And lucky for him, Al was in cannibal town right now.

"Now, let's see here….." Charlie said, taking it into her hands and reading it. "Mmm hmm, soul in exchange for protection from external threats, that's a red flag right there… Soul ownership ties into employment hours….. No employment specifications….. No fixed hours…. Okay, I think I've got it."

"You read through it for ten seconds," Husk said, raising an eyebrow. "And you've already figured it out?"

"Yep!" Charlie said brightly, rolling up the contract and handing it back to Angel. "Well, the first thing is that Valentino technically doesn't own your soul."

"Say what?!"

Angel, Vaggie, and Husk were all on the edges of their seats.

"Yeah, it's a rookie mistake," Charlie said. "Or a subpar contract. He probably wrote this up in like, five minutes. No, he doesn't own your soul.

"What he does own is your actions while under employment."

"That's…. Not much of an improvement, babe." Vaggie said, but Husk's eyes were widening in realization.

"He's got no specified employment hours," Husk said, recalling Charlies mumbling from when she was reading the contract. He looked at Angel. "Kid, you're free right now, right?"

"Well, yeah."

"Valentino has to personally set your hours," Charlie said. "And you have to be on location for him to have full influence over you. Sure, he can exert a bit of a pull on you right now, but that's relatively easy to manage.

"So, you just have to stop going to the studio, and you're good!"

"But if he calls me, I have ta listen to him."

"He calls you by phone, right?"

"Yeah."

"Can I see it?"

Angel shrugged, pulling out an old flip phone.

"You're not allowed to destroy this, right?" Charlie asked, looking at it closely and running her hand over it, checking for any sort of spellwork. Angel nodded, causing Charlie to smirk. "Well, too bad those conditions don't apply to me."

She clenched her fist, reducing the phone to shrapnel.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" Angel yelled. "Val's gonna kill me!"

"That's the beauty of it," Charlie said, smiling. "He can't. Now, he has no means of communicating with you, meaning that he has no hold over you. And if he comes here, well…."

She snapped her fingers, and both Razzle and Dazzle growled, their teeth elongating into fangs, their goat bodies becoming draconic, and shooting fire from their mouths.

"And that's not even their final form. Dad created them to be my guards, so they can handle anything Valentino throws at them. Heck, they could even wreck Alastor's shit no problem. So, we're cool!"

She snapped her fingers once more, and both demons returned to being the derpy goats that everyone was used to. She unclenched her other hand and sifted through the shards of what had once been Angel's phone.

"Here we go," She said, picking out a microchip. "Sir Pentious, could you get the contacts of Angel's friends from this? Wouldn't want him to lose those numbers."

"Of coursssse, Charlie!" He said, taking the microchip into his hand. "Finally! I shall have access to Misssss Bomb's persssonal ccccell phone number! Mua ha ha ha!"

Angel felt tears form in his eyes. Was this really it? Was this really all it took?

"Ya really think this is going to work, Charlie?" He asked softly. "It just seems too good ta be true."

"Well, of it doesn't, we can always go with Plan B and break the contract."

"I thought ya said ya couldn't break the stupid thing."

"I can't," Charlie admitted. "But it states that you trade your body for his protection, which, to give Valentino credit, only exists while you're on the job. So we break in and beat the shit you of you while you're doing your hours in the studio. That violates his end of the deal and nullifies the contract.

"Now that I think about it, we should go through with Plan B sooner or later anyway. Heaven probably won't allow a contracted soul in."

The following week had been the most relaxing week of his afterlife. Valentino hadn't been able to contact him at all. He'd spent the days sunbathing on the roof, playing cards, and cooking. Sure, Valentino had him cook sometimes, but that was different. Now, he could cook because he wanted to, and he was free to experiment, even if it resulted in a disaster. Charlie praised each and every single one of his efforts.

When Cherri had heard the news, she had dashed over as fast as possible, had confirmed that yes, Angel was technically free of Valentino's influence, and had then ruined Charlie's suit by crying into her shoulder for about an hour. All his friends had come over to celebrate, and Charlie had even allowed them to smoke weed for just that one night.

That was also when they discovered that Charlie could not get high. She could smoke anything they gave her, and still perfectly recite the alphabet backwards while standing on one hand.

Another blissful week passed before trouble finally came knocking at their door.

They were playing Monopoly, a game that made even Vaggie want to strangle Charlie. Truly, a game for bringing the whole family together for the express purpose of causing a divorce and putting kids in the foster system.

Alastor landed on one of Husk's hotels, and then looked down at the meager amount of money he had left. He had been counting on either Vaggie or Niffty bailing him out on their turn, but by some miracle, they had both landed on Charlie's property, leaving him broke.

"Husker, my good man!" He said joyously, radio static slightly present. "As owner of your soul, I demand that you make me pay nothing!"

Instantly, he found himself on the business end of Charlie's royal trident, Vaggie's holy spear, Angel's six tommy guns, Husk's bladed playing cards, Niffty's steak knife, Sir Pentious' handcannon, and Cherri had a finger in the pin of a grenade.

"Like hell you're cheating at Monopoly," Charlie growled. "Not in this hotel."

"Ain't happening, buddy," Husk said. "You got greedy. Now pay up."

He sighed, coughing up all his remaining cash plus a utility. Things were not looking good.

Suddenly, he perked up as one of his shadows relayed him information.

"Ah! I'm afraid we'll have to put our delightful game on hold! We have the Vees and their army incoming."

"Not falling for it, shitlord," Vaggie said. "Quit being a sore loser."

"Do you really think that I would lie about something like this just to avoid a simple board game?"

"YES."

The response was unanimous; Including Niffty. Such betrayal!

"Well then, it is a good thing that I am not!"

Five seconds later, there was a knock on the door, just as Vaggie landed on Charlie's hotel on Boardwalk. The princess' evil smile grew past the limits of her face, and Vaggie looked like someone had murdered her parents in front of her.

"Er, maybe we should check who is at the door."

"You're not getting out of this one, my dear." Alastor said smugly.

The knocking turned into banging as Vaggie had to surrender an entire property with two houses.

"Open up, Princess!" Valentino's voice came through. "I know you're in there!"

Charlie was tempted to continue just so that she could demolish everyone, but the look of worry on Cherri's face plus the look of horror on Angel's face was enough to snap her out of the Monopoly mania.

With a sigh, she got to her feet and cracked her knuckles.

"Alastor, do you mind coming with me? And put a soundproof barrier around the hotel in the meanwhile."

"Done," Alastor said, snapping his fingers. "Now, my dear, let's deal with these irksome intruders."

The front door opened, Charlie and Alastor stepped out, and the door closed.

There was complete silence in the foyer, Alastor's spell working overtime.

Five minutes later, Charlie, Alastor, Razzle, and Dazzle walked back in. Their clothes were slightly torn and it looked like they had been electrocuted, but there was no significant damage to be seen.

"So, how did it go?" Cherri asked.

"The Vees won't be bothering us for a while!" Charlie said cheerfully. "They'll regenerate in the sewers once they go through Razzle and Dazzle's digestive systems."

"Please, do not ask questions," Alastor said, patting dust off his suit. "I have borne witness to things that even I cannot describe. Although, I am satisfied with beating the hell out of Vox."

"And the army?" Vaggie asked.

"Oh, Razzle and Dazzle vaporized them all in like, five seconds," Charlie said, scratching both goat demons behind their ears. "They won't be regenerating for a few days."

"Sssso, what now?" Sir Pentious asked. "Isss it over?"

"Not a chance," Charlie said, suddenly getting serious. "It's your turn, Pentious, and I notice that you're four steps away from my railroad."

And just like that, any pretense of friendship vanished as they all became mortal enemies again.

Two months later, Angel Dust finally returned to the porn studio.

"You little bitch!" Valentino roared the moment he laid eyes on him. "You think you can just ghost me?! Well, I've got news for you! I've written a script for a ten-thousand-dick gangbang, and you're going nowhere until we're done!"

Valentino was an overlord, so Angel couldn't exactly stop him when he grabbed him by an arm and threw him into a wall, and then the bed.

"Alright, boys, go ahead," He said, snapping his fingers. "Fuck him however you like! Hell, fuck his ears if you want! Just make it hurt like hell!"

And then the doors were blown off the hinges, revealing Charlie in all her royal glory. Faster than anyone could react, she leapt through the air and landed on top of Angel Dust.

And then she punched him across the face.

"Ow!" Angel yelped. "The hell, toots?! Ya actually knocked a tooth out!"

"Sorry," Charlie said, wincing. "But the contract specifically said 'No harm'. I had to do some damage."

"Eh, it's alright. I've had worse."

Taking her hand, he allowed himself to be pulled up.

"I guess this is it," He announced to the entire room. "I'd say it was a pleasure working with y'all, but that would be a lie. Except you, Tiffany. If I wasn't gay, I'd totally have dated you. The rest of ya can dream of sucking my dick! I'm out!"

There was an immense wave of power that nearly knocked them over, revealing Valentino in all his rage.

"And I said that you're not going anywhere!" He roared, frothing at the mouth. "You know what, since the Princess caused me so much trouble, I guess we can have a special shoot! Angel, pin her down and rape her!"

Angel instinctively winced at the command, before realizing that there was no tug on his soul.

Charlie's plan had actually worked.

"Holy shit, it actually worked!"

"Wh-What's going on?" Valentino stammered. "Do as I say! We have a contract!"

"We had a contract," Angel said, side-hugging Charlie with both left arms. "A contract that said that in exchange for all my performances at your whim, ya'd give me protection.

"Ya were sneaky enough that it only applied while I was on the job, and only for people who weren't your associates. But guess what? Ya just put me on the job, Charlie isn't associated with ya, and she just punched a tooth out.

"Ya failed to hold up your end of the deal, which means that my contract is done. Ya don't own me anymore, and ya never will.

"Charlie, take us home."

"Oh no you don't!" Valentino roared, but it was too late. In a flash, Charlie teleported them both back to the hotel, sending Valentino stumbling into the bed that was still moist with at least five different body fluids.

A small portal opened behind him, and Angel's face popped through.

"Oh, and my friend Cherri Bomb made this for you. Catch!"

A sphere was tossed through, and Angel and the portal vanished immediately.

An old radio set in the corner of the room crackled to life.

"We are live!" Alastor broadcasted across hell. "Admittedly, for a very short show. However, tonight, I will not be your entertainer! For that, allow me to introduce you to our special guest: Miss Cherri Bomb!"

"What up, fuckers?!" Cherri's enthusiasm was undeniable. "For tonight's entertainment, look towards Valentino's porn studio and count down with me!

"Five! Four! Three! Two! One!"

All too late, the implications sunk in for Valentino. He made a mad dash for the bomb, but it was all for naught.

In an eruption of heat and light, the Triple Vee towers were eradicated from existence. Many, many sinners enjoyed the sight of the mushroom cloud from the pseudo-nuclear explosion.

A/N: Leave any ideas that you want to see in the comments! Even the dumbest ideas are encouraged.

Next Chapter: Corporate Acquisition