"How do you decide who to help?" Ace asked, before she took a sip of her rootbeer, watching Xander tend the bar at the Busted Flush.
Xander wiped down the bar and poured another pitcher of beer for Bane. "I don't really have a system or anything," he admitted, "I just help people. I probably work harder at it for people I like, but even if I didn't like them I'd probably do something if it's not too far out of my way."
"Vodka tonic on the rocks," Victor Fries ordered, the blue skinned iceman reminding him of Darth Vader a little in his cryo-suit.
Xander grabbed a larger than usual glass and filled it with ice before adding a drink to it, accepting the money and putting it in the till as Victor carefully maneuvered his way over to a booth.
"How about him?" Ace asked. "Could you help him?"
"Dr. Freeze?" Xander asked. "Possibly. His wife has MacGregor's Syndrome, stage four. He's managed to cure stage one and is closing in on the cure for stage two, but stage four is beyond his reach right now. I can think of a couple of ways to help him right now. I might be able to convince Superman to cure her for a promise of no longer being a criminal."
"But you don't trust Superman to help, because he often lets morality get in the way of practicality," Ace voiced his thoughts.
"Yeah, if he starts using his super advanced tech to help people where does he draw the line? That has kept him up many a night, so he avoids using it altogether," Xander said. "I'd have better luck with a Green Lantern."
"How would a Green Lantern help?" Ace asked curiously.
"Their rings are tech so advanced it makes Krypton's look average," Xander replied. "They have rules about sharing advanced tech, however I can probably talk one into sharing medical information from their database. Doctor Fries would still have to develop the technology needed to implement the cure, but it would massively speed up his work."
"A matter of months instead of years," Ace said.
"Exactly," Xander agreed, serving a couple of villains before they could even place their order. "So now I just have to figure out which Green Lantern to approach."
"How many do we have?" Ace asked.
"We have four Green Lanterns, but one made his own ring so he doesn't count," Xander said. "Of the three, one is way too by-the-book to help, so that leaves two. Either one will do. I'll check and see when they're on shift and talk to one."
"It's like a puzzle," Ace said, "or a riddle." She grinned at the Riddler who was playing darts with Kiteman. "Everyone's got problems and you know how to solve them."
"Some of them, but not all of them," Xander told her as he poured a couple of beers for the two approaching henchmen. "Not all villains or heroes have problems that can be solved, if they have problems at all."
"Heroes have problems?" Ace asked. "I mean, problems like villains do."
"Sure," Xander said. "Family killed in front of them is a common one that sets them on their path. Some even killed their parents through actions they took so now they're seeking redemption. Others are seriously tangled like the Blue Devil having created the power armor he's stuck inside which I don't have a clue how to fix if it's even possible. Quite a few of both have mental problems, which is really obvious considering they dress up in bright colors and try punching gods and aliens in the face."
"Are you helping any of the heroes like you do the villains?" she asked.
"Only incidentally," Xander replied. "On the whole, villains are a lot simpler to deal with. I can help these guys, a number have problems that are actually fixable without time travel or necromancy."
Ace blinked as she read a thought that she had not expected. "You think the heroes are crazier than the villains!"
"I don't think they are, I know they are," Xander said.
A number of people fell silent as they turned to see what their most entertaining bartender was up to now.
"Seriously?" Harley asked from the booth she was sharing with Ivy.
"Doctor Quinzel," Xander said emphasizing her psychological training, "while a number of villains lean heavily into the theme they developed due to things that occurred in their lives, aren't their goals usually concrete and achievable by their actions?"
Harley considered that and nodded. "If not for outside forces disrupting their plans most could do what they set their sights on."
Xander nodded. "Now, consider the heroes… are their goals either concrete or achievable?"
Harley's jaw fell open and her eyes widened. "No, not really. I mean, heroes set themselves up to do the impossible, stop all crime. They're basically trying to bail out the ocean. Not only is their goal impossible, it's also ill defined and more of a concept or ideal than a concrete plan."
Xander nodded. "Trust me when I say the Batman makes the Joker look sane."
"That… can't be true," Penguin said, shaking his head nervously.
"A normal human who is so driven he's actually punched out a god," Xander said. "He has the resources and knowledge to give himself Superman's powers but doesn't because they don't fit his concept of what he should be. Everything he does, he does as a normal unenhanced human, because of the madness that drives him."
There were curses and shudders from various villains.
"And the Joker?" Ivy asked.
Xander shrugged. "He's just a nihilist. He realized that life was chaotic and just about anything could happen, regardless of what plans you made, so he just does random flashy things to draw attention and see what happens. You can do some impressive things when you get over your fear of death. He's fixated on Batman because Batman saw how random existence was and instead of going with the flow decided to do the exact opposite and exert control over absolutely everything he could to limit the variables. They are fun house mirrors of one another with Joker being the more rational of the two by far."
*whap*
Xander rubbed his head where Mary had smacked him with a bar towel.
"Stop giving our clients existential crises," Mary ordered.
"Sorry boss," Xander apologized. He cleared his throat. "It's not really something to worry about," Xander said once he got everyone's attention, "the nature of reality is what it is and things go right as often as they go wrong, but so what?"
Two Face flicked his coin in the air with his thumb making it ring before catching it between his thumb and forefinger, showing off the two sides to everyone.
"See? He gets it," Xander said. "None of us here are as crazy as those two and do you want to spend all your time staring at your navel and contemplating the philosophical underpinnings of reality or have a beer and relax with friends?"
A relieved sigh seemed to sweep through the crowd and Xander was quickly filling orders as everyone wanted a refill.
"Bats is alright… half the time," Two Face said as he retrieved a pitcher of beer, making Xander laugh at the joke.
"Being around you is educational, occasionally terrifying, but never boring," Ace decided.
"No one here is boring," Xander said. "Kiteman is the lowest ranked villain here, no offense."
"Some taken," Kiteman joked.
"And he lives a life worth living," Xander said. "His last caper was a work of art and, I'm willing to bet, one hell of an adrenaline rush."
"It really was," Kiteman said with a broad smile holding up his beer in a toast before downing it.
"So… should I be a hero or villain?" Ace asked nervously, finding his opinion of her important for some reason.
Xander shrugged. "I lean towards heroics, but I won't think less of you if you want to be a villain. Now, my shift's about over, so let's go bug a Green Lantern, dress up as heroes, and see how many muggers we can roll for cash before hitting the video arcade."
The bar broke out in laughter after the two had left.
"I'm still not sure if he's a hero or villain, but he certainly enjoys life," Kiteman said.
"You don't gotta tell me that," Harley said with a grin.
The Watchtower
"Guy, just the man I was looking for," Xander said cheerfully.
"Flannel Man?" Guy asked, surprised. "What do you need me for?"
"I need medical information that your ring has picked up in its scans," Xander replied. "I also need you to make sure it's just medical data with absolutely no advanced tech involved."
"Sure you want me?" Guy asked with a frown. "I don't recall scanning anything recently."
"Your ring's AI will have done it automatically but not sent you the data as it wasn't useful for the mission," Xander explained.
Guy's eyes glowed green for a second as he consulted with his ring. "Huh, didn't realize how much data it collected, but then there are a lot of things that just aren't useful in combat."
"Exactly," Xander agreed, and pulled a flash drive out of his pocket. "I need it to parse down the useful data to just scans of people with MacGregor's Syndrome, possible treatments and cures of all four stages only using technology that fits Earth's development cycle in this decade."
"Sure," Guy said, his ring extending a filament to Xander's flash drive. "There you go. What's it for?"
"A member of the Bat family has an early stage of it, so by leaking it out into the medical community, the treatment will be developed completely independent of any Justice League resources that might link the two together," Xander explained.
"Good opsec," Guy said. "Bat's idea?"
"No, they haven't even let him know they have it," Xander said. "They think they're incurable." He rolled his eyes. "Ideally, this will solve the problem without either of them knowing we're involved at all."
Guy chuckled. "Good lookin' out." He punched Xander in the shoulder and continued on his way.
"It's going to include medical tech that hasn't been invented yet or might not ever be, because of how you phrased it and he didn't even notice," Ace said in disbelief.
"AIs are very literal minded and it technically doesn't break the rules," Xander said with a grin.
"Does one of the Bats really have it?" she asked.
Xander nodded. "Fries would probably have developed the cure needed before it became lethal, but why play dice with lives when we don't need to?"
"So by helping Dr. Freeze you incidentally helped a hero," she said with a thoughtful frown. "Which you mentioned after I asked about helping him."
"This data will actually help far more than just a couple of people in the cape community," Xander said.
"And only a few people will even know you were involved," she pointed out.
"Which is just the way I like it," he said.
"Isn't being a hero all about people praising you for all the good you do?" she asked.
"Depends on the hero," Xander said. "Some are in it for the ego, just like the villains, but that doesn't change the fact that they are heroes because of all the good they do."
"The lines are really blurry between them," Ace said. "It's not all black and white like I thought it was."
"I know," Xander agreed. "People are people, the rest is… details."
"I still can't tell if you're wise or full of shit," she said and then groaned. "I know, it's about half and half."
"And thus you approach wisdom," Flannel Man said grandly. "Now, let's go and punch Evil in the face before rifling its pockets for spare change. I'm in the mood for ice cream and have forgotten my wallet!"
Ace just grinned as she followed him, hearing the thoughts of several heroes who thought Xander was her father and trying to make crime fighting fun for her… which was actually pretty close to the truth.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Xander could practically hear the thug's ribs creak as Lumber Jane put the boot in, causing him to drop his weapon and fall to his knees.
They quickly mugged the pair of muggers, making sure to leave an appropriate amount of cash on the pair for evidence before zip tying them to a light pole.
The sound of sirens blared out in the distance and without even looking the two turned and ran towards them, slowly gaining height until they were twenty feet off the ground allowing them to bypass any obstacles in their way.
A five story tenement was in flames, surrounded by a crowd of people as a pair of fire trucks were hooked up to hydrants to combat the blaze.
"Two on the roof, one in the stairwell on the north side," Lumber Jane reported as she scanned the building.
Xander nodded and the two sank to the ground. "Can you handle the stairwell with fireman support?"
"Easily," she promised confidently.
"I'll get the roof then," Xander said. While he'd rather be heading into danger and let her take the safer rescue, she wouldn't be able to carry two people down from the roof by herself.
"Him!" Ace said, pointing to the man in charge who was yelling out orders, a pillar of calm surrounded by chaos.
"Three people are in the building," Xander called out as they approached. "I can handle the two on the roof, but you've got one in the stairwell."
"I don't recognize you two," the fire chief said, before turning and barking orders to the hose teams.
Xander whipped out his Justice League ID from beneath his shirt. "Flannel Man. This is Lumber Jane. She'll need an oxygen mask, but she has a low powered cold ray and can lead you to him."
"Lopez, I need an entry team with oxygen support," the fire chief called out. "Let's move people, time is ticking!"
Xander leapt into the air several times, double jumping like a videogame character before circling the building and rapidly gaining altitude. He pushed his worry aside, trusting Ace to be able to handle herself, but worried all the same.
Cresting the roof he found a Latino girl holding a small child trying not to panic as smoke began to fill the air and the child wailed. "I've got you," Xander said, running to the pair and sweeping the girl up in his arms.
"You can fly?" she all but prayed.
"I can run on air," he said. "Close your eyes and hold your breath for a minute till we get out of the smoke," he ordered and leapt from the roof, running through a wall of heat and smoke into clean air.
Xander coughed a little and blinked tears from his eyes. "Okay we're clear," he said and let them slowly sink towards the street below. He saw a flash of light and Lumber Jane appeared with two firefighters and an unconscious man just as a corner of the building began to collapse.
Xander quickly rejoined his sidekick. "You used the League teleporters to get them out just in time," he said, smiling broadly as he passed the teen and child off to the EMTs.
"Tony is the one who realized the stairway was about to give way," Lumber Jane quickly pointed out. "I just used the tools I had at hand."
"Brilliantly," Xander added with a wide smile.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Batman checked the surveillance videos of the Watchtower, noting Flannel Man and Lumber Jane's discussion after talking to Guy. He hadn't been aware any of his family was suffering from MacGregor's Syndrome and was unsure how Xander would know of it. The man was an enigma wrapped in a mystery, but he did good work and was showing Ace many reasons to be a hero, not just unselfish ones so she could make an informed decision on what she wanted to be.
He checked and found the pair on the NYC local news… where Lumber Jane had just taken out a reporter's kneecap on live television.
"That's my dad you dick!" she yelled angrily.
"I didn't know!" the reporter howled as he clutched his leg. "Aren't you going to say something?!" he demanded of Xander while Lumber Jane winced, clearly expecting to be chastised.
Xander placed a hand on her shoulder. "Kneecaps are a privilege, not a right," he said. "I couldn't be more proud of you."
Lumber Jane was wrapped in a hug and the crowd laughed and cheered.
Batman checked online to see how bad the PR backlash would be and found the response of the public to be surprisingly positive as apparently the reporter had asked a salacious question. He made a mental note to look into adoption paperwork for Xander, Alfred knew a guy who did excellent work in that field.
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Shadows
AN: Michelle Trachtenberg passed away today, I knew her best as Dawn in BtVS. It's a shame we'll never see her up on the big screen again.