Friday, Addison sat in Dr. Winters' office for the first time since holiday vacation. She was sure her parents told her about the party. About what happened. But there was so much more going on now than just that party and what happened to her. She wasn't sure she was ready to untangle it all. It was easier to go on like that night hadn't happened. It was easier to think she was just a normal high school freshman who went to a party. It was easier to go on thinking she was just a normal teenage kid whose parents were getting divorced. It was easier to stay completely disconnected from myFace and not look at what was out there despite how tempted she truly was. She was convinced this was the only way to move on.
"Addison, how are you doing?" Dr. Winters asked.
"I'm ok." Addison was quiet.
"Your parents talked to me about what happened over your school break."
"I'm sure they did. They're pretty worried about me. But, I'm more worried about them. They're getting divorced and my Dad moved out."
"I'm sure that's been hard on you. What do you want to talk about first?"
"Well they're kind of connected."
"How so?"
"Well, I told you my parents were fighting a lot already. Well, after that night...after what happened to me…my sister traded my silence to get what she wanted and things just imploded."
"Traded your silence?"
"She wanted me not to report what happened. It got her a vote for ELQ to make my dad CEO. She made this deal without even asking me."
"How did you feel about that?"
"I wish she didn't think I was this baby who couldn't handle things like this. I hated that she didn't come to me first because I would have agreed. I love our dad, too."
"So you don't want to come forward?"
"Knowing who did this to me would only make it worse for my parents and now that Krissy used it to her advantage…there's no coming back from that. Her and my mom aren't even speaking. I just want my family to be the way it was. If they know there's no chance of that."
"It sounds to me like you're working pretty hard to control other people's choices, Addison. But to me, it sounds like the only thing in your control right now is whether you talk about what happened to you. Do you want to try and do that?"
"I mean…I'm trying to forget about what happened that night. I just can't stop playing it over again in my head. I can barely sleep. And every time I do get it to stop I think about all the choices I could have made where this didn't happen."
"By keeping it to yourself, by keeping your feelings to yourself, you're giving it power. We talked about this."
"I know. But it's my fault. Shouldn't I have to live with that?"
"What's your fault?"
"What happened to me. I went to that party. I chose to put myself in that situation."
"What happened to you is not your fault, Addison."
"Yes it is. I didn't leave. I didn't ask for help when Morgan wouldn't leave me alone. I could have stopped it and now everything that happened to my family afterwards is because I didn't just stay at home with my sister like my parents expected me to. They were trying to figure it out. I heard them talking about how they were looking forward to time away and then I went to that party and ruined their night. Then, my brother got into a car accident and Kristen used it and it tore them apart. And now she's not even speaking to my mother. This is my fault. This is all my fault."
"What did Morgan do?" Dr. Winters asked. She tried to keep the focus on what happened and not her spiral of blame.
"I didn't mean to say his name. I didn't. Please don't tell them. Please don't tell the police."
"Addison, you were violated. You're a victim of sexual assault and you're a minor."
"Please, it will make it worse. It will. You can't."
"I'm a mandated reporter, Addison. I told you about that."
"Dr. Winters, please…" She pleaded, tried not to let the tears she felt welling up fall.
Lainey saw she wasn't ready to relive it, and tried to explore another angle. "Let's just take a deep breath…. Why are you so worried that coming forward will make things worse?"
"Because– my mom is his lawyer."
"I'm not following…" Lainey said, confused. Addison wasn't making sense.
"I just want to forget it happened, ok? I just want my parents back together. I want my family back. I want to go back to the way things were before all this. Before I was so stupid."
"I'm afraid you aren't really facing what happened to you, Addison."
"I'm not in any danger, do you really have to report it?"
"Let's forget about that for now."
"I can't. I can't forget about it. No one can know who did this. You don't understand." Addison let her emotions take hold. She couldn't take being pressured to talk about it by one more person.
"Addison, pretending this didn't happen isn't going to help you heal."
"I wasn't raped. I got away. It's not the same for me as it is for other girls." She tried to explain or justify her decision. She wasn't sure which.
"You're a survivor of sexual violence, Addison. Try not to minimize it."
"I know what happened to me. I know, ok?"
"Tell me about what happened to you."
Addison stared at the clock on the wall. "I think time is up. Can I go?"
"We still have a few minutes." Dr. Winters tried to encourage.
"I'd rather just go. You aren't going to tell my parents or the police who, right?" Addison said.
"You didn't give me a last name, so no. For now, I won't report anything. But, if I think you're in danger, I'll have no choice." Addison nodded. "I'll see you next week?" She knew if she lost Addison's trust, any progress they may make would be lost.
"Yeah." Addison said as she left Dr. Winters' office.
Elizabeth stood at the nurses station and she spotted Alexis sitting there. Addison had been on her mind a lot since that night a week ago and she stopped what she was doing to take the opportunity to check in. She knew her son had seen Addison and he had told her she seemed off, distant, and she worried that her worst fear from that night was true. "Alexis, how's Addie? I wanted to call you and check in, I'm sorry I haven't…" She asked as she approached.
"No apologies necessary Elizabeth. She's doing ok considering." Alexis replied as Liz sat down next to her.
"She wasn't…was she…?"
"No, she got away. She was assaulted, but she got away. Thank God. I'm grateful you were there for her that night. Truly. It could have ended so differently."
"How's she handling it?"
"She's pretending it didn't happen. She's so adamant she doesn't want to do anything. She won't report it. She won't tell us who did this."
"I'm sure she needs time. She's lucky she has you and Ned. She has a strong support system."
"Yeah, she has us both, but we're divorcing and her life has been upended in more ways than one."
"You and Ned? Really? I'm surprised. You've been together so long."
"We have, but we've been unraveling and it just seemed like the best thing to do for all of us. It's been traumatic for her and I'm worried. I don't know what she's told Cam, but she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder just before Christmas and now with everything that's happened…I just want her to be ok."
"I've gotten to know her and she's strong, Alexis. I'm sure when she's ready to talk about it, she will."
"Thanks for saying that. She's in with Dr. Winters now. I'm hopeful it might help her open up."
"If you need anything or if she wants to talk to someone who's been through it. Call me. She may not have been raped, but the feelings; they're similar."
"I appreciate that, Elizabeth." Alexis saw Addison walking down the hall. "I should let you get back to work." They stood and Addison rounded the corner, "Here she is." Alexis watched her daughter approach. "All set?"
"Yeah, hi Elizabeth."
"Hi, Addison. You doing ok?"
"Umm I think so. Maybe. Thanks for your help. Really. You just sort of knew what I needed."
"I'm just glad you were safe. I'll leave you to talk to your mom."
"Thanks." Addison replied as Elizabeth walked back to the nurse's station.
"So how was your session?"
"Fine. I'd rather not talk about it. Is that ok?"
"As long as you feel like it was helpful. But, I'm still here Addie. You can talk to me."
"I know you are and I know I've given you reasons not to trust me lately. I love you, Mom, but I can't talk about it. Please try to trust me when I say I have good reasons."
"I'm just concerned about you. You don't have to handle this yourself."
"Has Krissy talked to you, yet?" She changed the subject.
"I told you I don't want you to worry about that."
"But I am worried about that. It's my fault. And telling me not to doesn't change that."
"Why would you think that peanut? Kristen and I, we have a history that I'm not proud of. I made mistakes with your sister that I am trying hard not to repeat with you, ok? So this is not your fault."
"I know you fought with Krissy. But her siding with Dad isn't fair. The divorce isn't your fault."
"It's no one's fault, baby. Daddy and I made this decision together; because it's what's best for all of us."
"Sure it is."
"Addison…"
"I'm fine."
"Ok… you ready to go? I told your dad I'd drop you and Owen off."
"Yeah. Let's go get Owen."
That afternoon, Alexis pulled into the driveway and stared at the Gatehouse. It felt surreal. If the fact they were divorcing hadn't fully hit her yet, it did now. She was dropping off her kids. She would be alone. For real. Part of her had hoped Owen's car would have been ready so she didn't have to face this. But it wasn't and she did.
"You coming in?" Owen asked, noticing his mother seemed quiet.
"I'm not sure that's the best idea, O." She knew it was hard on all of them. No one needed a reminder of what was happening today by watching her walk out that door. Not Ned. Not their children.
"Mom, please? This is the first night we're here." Addie said hoping they may run into Kristen.
"Right, which is why I don't want to intrude on your time with your dad, baby."
"I'm sure Dad wants to see you." Addison urged.
"Just for a few minutes, Mom." Owen agreed. It would be nice to see his parents in the same room again.
"Ok. A few minutes." She couldn't refuse her children.
They walked up to the door and knocked. He yelled it was open and the three of them entered. Ned stood by his desk, putting away some ELQ documents and turned to give his children his full attention. He was happy to see them and greeted them both with hugs and then he made eye contact with Alexis. Seeing her dropping off their kids was a reminder of everything they had and all they were losing.
"Hi." Alexis said, taking in that she clearly caught him off guard.
"Hi." Ned replied.
"How've you been?"
"Do I really need to answer that?"
"No, I guess not. I'll pick them up Sunday night?"
"I can drop them off. It's ok."
"Sounds good." Alexis agreed as silence settled over the room.
Owen and Addison felt the awkwardness that had overtaken their parents and quietly made their way towards the staircase to find their rooms and drop their stuff. They had to believe leaving their parents alone would help them find a way to admit this wasn't what was best.
"Do you have time?" Ned asked as he eyed their children escaping up the stairs.
"What's up?" Alexis asked, curious. They hadn't really spoken since he was at the house earlier that week. Just a few text messages back and forth about the kids.
"Just wondering how her appointment went." He hoped Addison was finally ready to face the trauma head on.
"She's been pretty tight-lipped and I haven't talked to Dr. Winters yet. Just keep an eye on her. I worry she's blaming herself for more than just that night."
"Oh?" He wanted more details.
"Just something she said. Is Kristen here? She's stopped responding…" Alexis asked hopeful.
"No. She's up at the main house. I swear I've tried, Lex. My take?" He asked and she nodded, "…she knows she hurt you and doesn't quite know how to deal with that and her feelings about this divorce."
"Tell her I'm not giving up on her and that I love her?"
"Of course." He said and silence overtook the two of them again.
Keep it neutral. Keep it about the kids she reminded herself. She broke the silence, "I talked to Mac about Owen's accident."
"What about it?"
"Morgan was the driver that ran him off the road. They're adding the hit and run charges."
"Alexis." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "I told you no good would come from taking that case."
"There's more…" He looked at her expectantly. "Owen reported the drunk driving, called in the party…"
"Ok, so he did the right thing. Are you surprised by that?"
"I don't want to fight about this. I just want you to know I'm handling it."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that I talked to Owen and although I still think he knows more than he's saying, I trust his version of events."
"He's not at fault here."
"He's not. But he may be called to give a statement. If he is, you'll be there, right? There's a conflict and I don't think he needs a lawyer, just–"
"You're protecting your client over our son."
"No. No, that's not what this is." She sighed, "I knew I shouldn't have come in."
"Then why did you?"
"Because our kids asked me to. Because this is hard on them. Today is hard on them."
"It's hard on all of us." He emphasized.
"Right. I guess I should go before this gets worse."
"Probably a good idea. You'll let me know about Owen?"
"I will. Enjoy your time with them and tell them…"
"I'll tell them you said goodbye and you love them."
"Thanks." She said and walked out the door. She drove home and replayed her conversation with Ned. Where did she go wrong? Where did they go wrong? Maybe they hadn't. It was an emotional day for everyone. She tried to remind herself it was what was best. If they had been together it would have turned into a full blown fight and Addison would have spiraled and Owen would have closed himself off downstairs to play video games. This was what was best. It was.
When Alexis arrived home she took a deep breath as she took in the emptiness. She looked around. Everything was in its place. No books lying around left out by Addison or soccer cleats dropped by the door. It was strange and made her feel uneasy. She reminded herself she could do this. It was what they needed to function for their kids. She could do alone. She'd learned how to be alone all those years ago on that island. She'd be ok alone.
That evening Cam and Addison hung out in the boathouse as planned. The heat lamp was on, but the sun was setting and Cam had to admit maybe it was time they went inside. He knew she wanted to escape the Quartermaines, find some privacy, but he asked her anyway, "It's kind of cold. Do you want to go inside?"
"I'd kind of like to avoid 20 questions with my Dad's family. There's a blanket we can share."
"So how are you?" Cam asked her as she reached for the blanket behind them and then spread it out over their legs.
"It's so weird. This just doesn't feel like my home. I love my Dad, and I want to be here with him. It's just not home," she admitted.
"I'm sorry, Adds. Have you decided whether or not you're going to say anything now that your parents are getting divorced?"
"I can't. They were fighting about Morgan's case earlier when my Mom dropped me off. And Kristen using my silence is part of the reason my mom was pushed over the edge. I'm the reason they're getting divorced. I'm the reason Kristen isn't speaking to my mom. If I file a police report now, it will make things worse. I need to find a way to get them to realize they still love each other."
"That seems out of your control. Are you sure about this?"
"I am. I can't handle what I did to my family. All of this is because I went to that party and I refuse to make it worse. I'll figure out how to live with it."
"Won't being able to talk about it help?"
"I have you."
"You do, but wouldn't it help to talk to your parents?"
"You're enough Cam. I trust you and you're the one person that I feel like I can say anything to."
"I feel that way about you, too…Can I ask you something?" He hesitated. Was now the right time to have this conversation? He wasn't sure. But he also knew what he felt.
"Anything. What?"
"Maybe this is crazy, but are we…do you see me as more than your friend?"
"Do you? I mean…I think we could…possibly?"
"I haven't wanted to say anything."
"Me either."
"I get why maybe you wouldn't want to talk about this now, with everything you've been through."
"Right. But also, maybe getting it out there will help? No more second guessing…"
"So…are we…do you want to be my girlfriend?" His eyes met hers.
She averted her gaze and admitted, "I'm kind of a mess right now Cam. I'm not entirely sure if I can handle more."
"Adds, I like you." She looked up and their eyes locked again. "I've only liked you and I've known for weeks."
"I've also known I liked you… for a while now. Long before that party or what happened, but I'd understand if you don't want–"
He interrupted her, "I would never bail on you because of what happened. I want you to be my girlfriend. So will you?""
"I want to be…just you know don't expect—-because I need time."
"I don't expect anything. Can I walk you back to the Gatehouse?"
"Sure." She said as she stood and as they left the boathouse they walked side by side. Their fingers grazed each other and then their eyes met and he took hold of her hand. She smiled at him and they continued walking up the path to the Gatehouse. When they got to the door she dropped his hand before they entered the house. "Don't need 20 questions from my Dad," she said sheepishly. "He doesn't even know I like you, Cam."
"No offense taken. So does this make me your secret boyfriend?"
"Sort of…yeah." She laughed and he smiled at her. "You're really the best. Ok, ready?" She said as he nodded and they walked into the Gatehouse.
Ned turned at the sound of the door and watched his daughter carefully. "Hey, you've been gone awhile. Hi, Cam." He didn't know Cam was even there. He was surprised.
"Hi Mr. Ashton."
"Ned. Cam, call me Ned."
"Right."
"Were you up at the house? Did you see your sister?"
"Uh, no actually we were at the boathouse."
"In the middle of winter, Addie?"
"We were fine. Just wanted some privacy and there isn't any here."
"Ok, well, Cook sent down dinner. Cam, did you want to stay?"
"No, that's ok. My mom is picking me up. She's probably almost here."
"Thanks for listening, Cam." Addison said, trying to ignore the fact that her dad was still in the room.
"Of course. I'll text you later."
"Absolutely." Addison said and then looked at her Dad, a look that said, please leave.
"She's here." Cam said as he noticed the headlights pull into the driveway. "Bye, Adds."
He moved to hug her, Addison reciprocated. "Bye." She watched him leave and then turned to her father. "Really, Daddy?"
"What?"
"It would have been nice to say goodbye to him without you hovering…"
"I wasn't hovering."
"Umm yeah you were. Do you not trust me?"
"Of course I trust you."
"Because I get why you wouldn't after I screwed up and went to that party."
"Addison, I just worry about you after everything you've been through. You went to the boathouse in the middle of January with a boy. I get that eavesdropping is just par for the course here, but if you wanted privacy you could have stayed here in the living room. I would have left you be."
"I feel safe with Cam. He respects me and it helps to talk to him, ok? There were things I needed to talk about that I can't talk about with you and Mom right now."
"Does he know what happened?"
"Yes. We talked on New Year's and again right after you left. We had some stuff to sort out."
"You were alone in the house with him?"
"Daddy! Why are you acting like this? Krissy was home. Owen was home."
"Because Addison, you make it sound like you're in a relationship with him or something."
"I mean we like each other. We have for a while…he's my best friend and…my boyfriend…" She risked it. She told him.
"Princess, are you sure that's such a good idea? Isn't that putting a lot of pressure on yourself right now, considering?"
"I know what I can handle. Please stop being so overprotective. You were never this way with Krissy."
"You're my daughter and after what happened. I just don't want to see you get hurt."
"Cam would never hurt me that way."
"I know. I'm sorry, maybe I overreacted."
"You did and I forgive you." Addison said as she gave her father a hug.
That night Addison lay in her room at the Gatehouse, trying to fall asleep. When her phone went off. She thought it might be Cam again, but she was surprised it was her mom.
I love you, Addison. Sweet dreams
Love you, too, Mom. This is strange.
You ok?
Dad kind of got all overprotective about Cam. I needed you.
He loves you. Did you two figure it out?
Yeah, I think. I miss you.
I miss you, too. I'll see you Sunday.
It feels so far away. I have something I want to tell you, but it kind of needs to be in person.
Good news?
Yes.
Looking forward to it, peanut. Try and get some sleep.
Night, Mom.
Addison plugged in her phone and went downstairs. Sleeping was impossible. The Gatehouse. It smelled different. There were different noises, and then there was the fear she'd have a nightmare about that party again and she just didn't want to face that. She thought it might help that her and Krissy had to share a room there, but she was nowhere to be seen all evening. When she got to the bottom of the staircase she finally saw her sister, sitting on her laptop, presumably doing work for one of the classes she had when she went back to school. Her sister always dove in. Tried to get ahead.
"Hey, Addie. I thought Dad said you went to bed."
"Couldn't sleep. Can I sit with you?"
"Sure. I could use a break." Kristen said as she moved her laptop and book to make room on the sofa.
Addison sat down, cross legged facing her sister. "Will you please talk to Mom?"
"I want to."
"Then do it. It's not her fault."
"Addie, you heard them fight. She was pushing Dad away. You and Owen both told me as much."
"Krissy, do you really think we'd even be here if you hadn't tried to force her hand and vote her in as Chief Counsel?"
"You know about that?"
"I overheard her talking to Chloe. You blindsided her. You knew they were fighting about it and you tried to fix something that wasn't yours to fix."
Ned froze at the top of the stairs when he heard his daughters talking. They weren't fighting, but he was concerned they would. It was clear Kristen had chosen a side, but what was becoming equally clear is that Addison had strong opinions about why they were divorcing as well.
"You blame me for this?"
"I just don't understand you, sometimes. They could have figured it out. They would have figured it out."
"You really believe that. Don't you?"
"Yes, I do. But, you let the power go to your head. Power you only had because of me. So this is my fault."
As he listened he was confused. Was she talking about the vote? What did Addison have to do with the vote? It didn't add up and the fact that she blamed herself for the divorce broke his heart.
"You think their divorce is your fault?"
"I think it's both our faults, but you wouldn't have had the power to destroy any progress they made if it weren't for me. So just talk to Mom, ok? She needs us."
"Is something wrong, Addie? Why are you so worried about her?"
"I just know. We're her family. Us and Nikolas. She's losing Dad, she shouldn't have to lose anymore family."
"She hasn't lost me. She hasn't lost any of us."
Ned considered interrupting them, but the more he listened to Addison the more he felt as though Addison was getting through to her sister. And as she described her mother, he realized he had lost sight of something so fundamental to their family dynamic. So fundamental to who his wife was. Addison was right. He and their children were her family. A family they built together. The family she never had and always wanted. Losing that was something she feared and he had forgotten that. He had forgotten who he had married. All of this was because she was trying to hold on to their family tightly. She used to remind him often that she married him, not the Quartermaines and she had tried to tell him. She had tried to remind him and he had been blinded by grief and his need to live up to the legacy his grandfather had always expected he uphold. She had been right. She tried to tell him. He didn't listen. He couldn't hear her. He forgot to truly see her.
"Just talk to her. She hates it when she fights with you. Just like she hates it when we fight with each other."
"Are you planning to tell her what I did?"
"No. No good will come from that. The three of us swore we'd keep quiet and I plan to hold up my end of that deal. I just wish the one thing I was hoping to stop by agreeing wasn't happening anyway."
"I'm sorry Addison."
"I know."
Ned walked down the hall to his bedroom. How did they miss this? How did they miss the fact that their children were keeping something from them? He knew Addison was taking the divorce hard. He had no idea that she was actively trying to prevent it with her siblings. They needed to figure this out. Somehow it was all connected, but neither he nor Alexis had enough information to connect the dots. They had to try harder to get their kids to open up and actually talk to them. They had to find a way to co-exist when they disagreed. Maybe Alexis had been right about that, too. Maybe they were so distracted with being unhappy with each other they were missing things. Maybe she was right and divorce was what was best and he hated admitting that because he felt so strongly that it wasn't the answer.