Renewal

Cas slept and slept, his exhaustion pulling him into the deepest slumber he'd had in a long time. When he woke, however, he only felt marginally better, and his leg was still completely dead. He sat up in his bed, but that was as far as he could manage. He called for help and tried to push down his embarrassment as he asked for someone to bring him something to eat.

Kevin ended up bringing him some breakfast on a tray and placing it in his lap for him.

'Thank you,' Cas mumbled.

Kevin sat in the chair next to him. 'I'm going down to the labs,' he announced.

Cas frowned at him. 'You're not trained,' he said.

'Crowley will teach me,' Kevin insisted. 'Listen, Cas, I hate to say it, but if you don't make it, someone has to keep the work going, and Crowley can't do it all himself, especially not from quarantine.'

Cas had to admit that he had a good argument. 'All right,' he said, 'but don't take any risks.'

'Oh yeah, I'll have your footsteps to follow for that,' Kevin joked, and Cas finally smiled.

'Could you have someone bring Jack?'

'Sure.'

It was a relief to hold Jack in his arms again. He sat there for hours watching Jack sleep, drinking in every crease of his tiny face, before his arms got tired and he had to shuffle around his bed to put Jack down in the crib. To his dismay, however, he found that he didn't have the strength to lift Jack back out of it again, and had to call for help when he needed to be fed.

And so it went, Cas would wake up in the mornings and food would be brought to him. He would be able to spend some time alone with Jack before he inevitably needed feeding or changing, and someone would have to come and help him.

Despite resting as much as possible, only moving when necessary, Cas could still feel himself deteriorating at an alarming rate. He stopped being able to feel when he was hungry or needed the bathroom, and bathing was almost impossible. It wasn't until he felt grimy and disgusting that he finally asked for help washing. The only thing that kept him going was the thought of seeing Dean once more, but he highly doubted he would last that long. He knew that Dean was in regular contact, calling at least once a day, if not more, to check if Cas was still alive, and it gave Cas comfort to know that Dean was racing across the ocean towards him.

Every day the metal case that Cas kept under his bed called to him, but he put it off, though he thought of it more and more often the longer he waited. If he waited too long, he wouldn't be able to do it. He was pushing it, he knew. The last thing he wanted was to be trapped inside himself as he died, but he wasn't ready.

Ten days passed, and Cas was struggling to eat. He hardly had the strength to lift the food to his mouth, let alone chew and swallow. Just a few more days, he told himself, but he finally made himself pull out the case and put it within reach. With the last dregs of his energy waning, Cas fell in and out of sleep, hardly noticing as people came in and out to check on him and Jack. He felt people checking his pulse every now and again. He knew he should take his shot, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

He was in the fog of shallow sleep when he felt someone shaking him awake, and a voice coming to him as though from a great distance.

'Cas, wake up.'

He groaned quietly, loathe to be roused from his sleep, but the shaking became more insistent.

'You can do it. Come back.'

His eyelids were heavy, but he forced them open. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust, and he saw a familiar face. 'Dean?' he murmured.

Dean, who was crouching next to his bed, smiled widely. 'Hey.'

Cas, with great effort, pushed himself up into a sitting position. 'Are you really here?' he asked, half convinced he'd already died.

'It's really me,' Dean said. 'You made it.'

Cas took him in. His hair had grown out, light strands falling into his eyes, and he'd grown a beard. There was a new scar over his eyebrow. His sleeves were rolled up, but he was wearing thick leather gloves. 'You - you look good,' said Cas.

Dean laughed. 'Thanks, man. I'd return the favour, but…'

'I'm well aware that I look like crap,' Cas said, laughing weakly.

Just then, Jack stirred and started gurgling quietly in his crib.

Dean turned to look at him. 'Is this Jack?' he said, standing up again.

'That's him.'

'Could I - could I hold him?' Dean asked.

'Of course you can.'

Dean went over and lifted him up, gently cradling him and gazing at him in awe. 'Wow,' he whispered. 'A real baby. You don't get many of them these days.' He swayed slowly on the spot, keeping Jack content. 'Look at you, little buddy. You're really something.' Dean then looked up from Jack and around the room, and his eyes fell on the metal case still sitting on Cas's desk. He carefully lay Jack back down, shushing him as he fussed, then returned to Cas and pulled the chair up to his bed. 'So,' he began, taking one of Cas's hands in both of his, 'there's something we gotta talk about.' He took a deep breath. 'You know those files you sent Charlie?'

'Yes.'

'Well, there was one that had my name on it.'

Cas frowned. 'None of them should have had your name on - oh.' It hit him exactly what Dean meant. All the messages he'd written and never sent. In his exhaustion, he must have included the folder in the files he'd dumped. 'You read them?'

Dean nodded. 'They were addressed to me, you know,' he said with a slight laugh.

Cas sighed, as embarrassed as he had the energy to be.

'So that means I know what this is,' Dean said, nodding at the metal case. 'I was worried you would take it before I got here.'

Cas's chin wobbled and tears filled his eyes. 'I don't want to go, Dean.'

Dean squeezed his hand. 'I really wish you'd sent those messages,' he said quietly.

'You already have a lot of responsibility, I didn't want to put my problems on you too.'

Dean shook his head. 'Cas, do you know why I chose to go to New York?'

'Sam said you thought there would be survivors in the skyscrapers.'

Dean snorted. 'Yeah, that's what I told him. But that would have been true of a lot of places.'

'Then why?'

Dean reached out and caressed his cheek. 'Mount Sinai,' he said. 'Before the outbreak, they were one of the top prosthetics providers in the country. They were even working on smart implants. I figured if anywhere had any info and materials on yours, it would be there.'

Cas's mouth fell open, stunned. 'I - you - you did that for me?' he whispered.

Dean nodded. 'Like I said, I really wish you'd sent those messages.'

Cas bit his lip, hardly daring to hope. 'Did - did you find anything?'

Dean's smile widened. 'You bet we did. Charlie's been working on it this whole time, dumbass.'

Cas gasped and he welled up again. 'I can stay?'

'Yeah, Cas, you can stay.' Dean leaned over and pulled him into a tight hug. 'Come on,' he said, hooking his arms around Cas and lifting him up. 'You're in pretty bad shape, we'd better get you to the ship.'

'The ship?' Cas asked as he put as much weight as he could on his, barely, functional leg.

'Yeah, we brought all the equipment with us.'

'Wait, wait,' said Cas, trembling as he stopped on the spot. 'What if it doesn't work?'

'It will.'

'But what if it doesn't?' Cas insisted.

Dean turned to look him in the eye. 'If it doesn't work, I'll help you take your shot.'

'You'd do that for me?'

Dean gave a sad smile. 'I won't let you be trapped like this, I promise.'

'Thank you,' Cas murmured.

Dean nodded, reaffirmed his support around Cas, then pulled a radio out with his free arm. 'Sam, get down here, you're on baby duty.'

'On it,' came the reply.

'Oh, he doesn't have to-'

'Trust me, Sam's been dying to meet him. We all have, really,' Dean explained, helping Cas towards the door. 'Charlie, bring that wheelchair you packed.'

'On my way.'

Dean shoved open the door and they almost walked into Sam on the other side.

'Whoa,' Sam said as he saw Cas.

'I know,' said Cas.

Sam grimaced. 'Don't worry, I'll take care of him. Just get yourself better, okay?'

'Thank you, Lieutenant.'

Dean helped him to the elevator and kept a tight hold of him as they went up a floor. 'Don't worry, we brought a bunch of formula that we found for him, so you won't have to go looking for a goat or a cow, or whatever,' Dean said with a slight chuckle, and Cas knew he was referring to the messages.

'Thank you,' Cas said, then after a beat, 'You never contacted me either.'

Dean sighed. 'Yeah. I guess we're both stupid… It's just that what you're doing here's important and, I dunno, I guess I didn't want to distract you.'

Cas nodded. 'We're both stupid then.'

Dean laughed and the elevator let them out on the main floor of the facility. He walked slowly through the building, patiently waiting while Cas dragged his leg along the floor.

'I looked at your patient files,' Dean said, 'and the tests they did while they were fitting your implants.'

'Oh?' Cas said breathlessly.

'Why did you let them do that to you, Cas?'

Cas sighed. 'I - I wasn't expecting to live, Dean.' He stopped to catch his breath. 'When Amelia died, I was just lying in my hospital bed. I couldn't do or say anything, all I could do was watch everyone else live their lives. When the military came to me with the prototype, they told me there was a high chance it would kill me. You must understand, I was in a bad place. I thought that if I couldn't kill myself, then this would do it for me, and I could be with Amelia.' He started moving again and Dean helped him step forward. 'But then it worked, and I got the sense that the world wasn't done with me yet.'

'That's kinda crazy, dude.'

'Well, I wouldn't describe myself as being in my right mind at the time.'

'They took advantage of you,' Dean said, and Cas could hear the disapproval.

'They took advantage of everyone,' Cas said.

Charlie then came around the corner with a wheelchair.

Her hair had been cut short, but she still had the same smile, and held the chair steady while Dean lowered Cas into it.

'You're sure about this?' Cas asked her, as Dean wheeled him through the facility.

'Absolutely,' said Charlie.

'She's been practising the technique all the way here,' Dean reassured him.

'With dud chips, not the real ones,' Charlie added hastily. 'I added some upgrades that I think you'll like too.'

'I'll like it if I get to live,' Cas muttered.

Wow. Cranky.'

'Sorry.'

'Don't mind him,' Dean said. 'I'd be a little cranky too.'

Dean brought him to the entrance of the facility, and he watched the crew of the Impala bringing in supplies. Some of them he recognised, but others were fresh faces.

Then they were out in the cold. Cas shielded his eyes. It had been too long since he'd seen the sun, and it was blinding. He could only feel the cold on his cheeks, but Dean rolled down his sleeves, and Charlie covered her face with a scarf.

'Almost there,' Dean said.

It was odd to see the huge submarine floating at the dock, in what Cas had been used to as an empty space to watch the ocean, but she was a welcome sight. He felt the effects of the pressurised environment more keenly, however. As soon as Dean wheeled him on board, his hands cramped and pins and needles crackled in his fingers.

'Not long now,' Dean murmured as Cas let out a small groan.

They went straight to the medical bay, that had previously been Cas's lab, and Dean helped him out of the wheelchair.

There was some new equipment in the room, all set up around a tall table. Charlie stepped around them and put a pillow down on the table.

'Get him up here,' she said, pulling on some gloves.

'I got it,' said Dean. He lifted Cas up and sat him precariously on the edge of the table. 'I gotta get your shirt off,' Dean said quietly, pushing back his sleeves again, pulling off his own gloves, and undoing Cas's buttons for him while he concentrated on staying balanced. Once it was off, Charlie placed an oxygen mask over his head, and a thrill of fear shot through him.

'Okay, Cas, just lay down here,' Charlie said, and Dean helped him get comfortable, lowering his head onto the pillow and lifting his legs up onto the table. She connected several monitors to him, and Dean gently held his hand.

'This is gonna suck, but I have to switch off your implants,' Charlie said. 'They're not compatible with the new ones, so I have to take them all out at once. I'll be super quick, I promise. Are you ready?'

Cas took a few deep breaths, then nodded. 'I'm ready.'

Dean squeezed his hand encouragingly. 'Just keep your eyes on me,' he said.

'All right,' Cas whispered.

'Here we go,' said Charlie. She tapped a few buttons on one of the monitors, and Cas let out a gasp as he was switched off. All sensation was gone, but though his arm was now dead, Dean didn't let go of his hand.

'Just breathe,' Dean said.

Cas couldn't do anything but try, though the longer it took, the harder it became. His breaths came out as heavy wheezes, while he listened to Charlie fiddling with his implants.

'Almost done,' she said. 'Last one's going in.' Charlie tapped on the screen again. 'Powering on.'

It was as though every one of his nerves had been set on fire, and Cas screamed as his muscles contracted, each one of his limbs stiffening and cramping so tightly they shook. His hand clamped down on Dean's, and he heard Dean grunt in pain.

'Turn it off!' Dean yelled.

'Sorry, sorry!' Charlie tapped frantically at her screen then, after several agony-filled seconds, the pain drained away.

He lay still for a moment, then it slowly occurred to him that he was breathing properly on his own.

'Cas?' Dean said gently. Despite Cas's involuntary attempt to crush his hand, he still hadn't let go.

Cas wiggled his fingers, and for the first time in a long time there was no resistance. Then he wiggled his toes. On both feet. 'Oh,' he whispered. He reached up and pulled off the oxygen mask, then unsteadily pushed himself up. He ran his hands up and down his legs, marvelling at the sensation. He could feel the cold metal of the table, and for the first time in weeks he began shivering.

'It's working!' Charlie exclaimed. 'Sorry, they were conducting a little too well, I just had to turn the settings down a bit.'

'It's all right,' Cas said, though his arms still tingled.

'Okay, I gotta run some tests,' Charlie said. 'I'll be right back.' She then hurried from the room.

Cas shuffled to the edge of the table, getting ready to stand up.

'Whoa, hey, shouldn't you wait for Charlie?' Dean said, noticing his intention.

'I haven't been able to feel my feet properly in months. I'm getting up.' He put his right foot on the ground first, then his left, and let out a short laugh when he felt the floor beneath both of them. He stood, but his left knee collapsed and he fell.

Dean's arms shot out and caught him, lifting him back up. 'Maybe you should have waited,' Dean chuckled.

But Cas didn't respond. Dean's touch had set off fireworks inside him, and Cas realised it had been a long time since he'd really felt someone else. It hit him how much sensation he'd lost as his old implants degraded. He could feel the tiny hairs on Dean's arm as he gripped it, and his fingers grazed along the hard muscle of Dean's forearm. Dean's other arm was around his waist supporting him, and Cas felt it tense to hold him up, his strong fingers digging into Cas's skin. Cas's whole body flushed hot, and his eyes widened as he felt parts of him that hadn't moved in a while responding to the warmth of Dean around him.

Dean blinked rapidly, surprised as he noticed it, then crinkles appeared in the corners of his eyes. 'Wow,' he laughed.

'It's - it's a lot of sensation, that's all,' Cas stammered, embarrassed. 'Overstimulation. It'll go away soon.'

'I hope not,' Dean grinned. 'I think you should sit down.'

'Fair enough.' Cas hopped back up onto the table and rubbed his thighs. 'My leg failed a while ago, the muscle appears to have atrophied a fair amount. I'll need to work on that.'

'Sounds good,' Dean said, still amused.

Charlie then returned with a tablet in her hand. 'All right, so I'm just gonna test some of your core function, then we'll do some fine motor tests. This could take a little while. And you might feel a little burning.'

'Sounds fun,' Dean said with a grimace. 'Can I get you anything?'

'Some food would be nice,' said Cas. 'I haven't really been able to eat for a few days.'

'Comin' right up.'

Dean left Cas with Charlie for a while, as she made sure the implant that controlled his lungs was stable. He returned with a peanut butter sandwich, and stayed by Cas's side while Charlie ran her tests for another hour. When she was done, Cas's whole body was throbbing in pain, but he didn't mind.

'There, all done,' said Charlie. 'You can put your shirt back on now.'

'Damn,' Dean whispered so only Cas could hear him, and Cas bit back a laugh.

He did his own buttons this time, delighted at the dexterity he now had in his fingers. 'Tell me about these upgrades,' he said, and Charlie grinned.

'You haven't noticed?'

Cas frowned and shook his head.

'Give him a minute, he only just got 'em,' Dean laughed.

'I made it so they automatically adjust to the pressure in here,' she explained.

Cas realised with a start that he couldn't feel the usual static that crackled through his implants. 'That's amazing,' he said.

'I know,' Charlie said smugly. 'I've also modified the ports. There's a setting on this brand new tablet I set up for you that makes them completely watertight. You can go swimming now if you want to.' She handed him the tablet and showed him the new programs. 'But my favourite part is this here.' She pressed a few icons. 'I've added an extra supply of filament to each port that your new monitoring system can use to repair, if it detects any damage or fraying. Hopefully this will help them last longer.'

'They won't last forever?' Dean asked, concerned.

Charlie grimaced. 'Silver is the best for conducting the body's electrical impulses, but it also oxidises more quickly than other metals. They will degrade again, so eventually they'll need fixing again. Sorry, Cas.'

'Don't be sorry, this is incredible,' Cas said, flicking through the different monitoring systems on his new tablet. 'Charlie, how can I ever repay you?'

Charlie laughed. 'Just do what you're doing and fix all this. That's all any of us want.'

'No pressure,' Dean added.

'I'll try,' said Cas. 'I want to try standing again.'

Dean nodded and tightened his grip on Cas's hand and shoulder. 'Here we go,' he said.

Charlie appeared at his other side and did her best to support him as well.

This time he managed to stand, though his left leg shook from the strain.

'Don't we have any sticks around here?' Dean asked, casting his gaze around the medical bay.

'Oh, good thinking.' Charlie darted off and returned with an old crutch. It was slightly wobbly and rusted, but it held enough of Cas's weight for him to walk relatively comfortably.

'This should do until I can get my muscle mass back,' he said.

Charlie let out a long breath. 'I was a little nervous,' she admitted. 'I'm so happy it's working.'

The increased sensitivity in his body was beginning to make Cas giddy. 'I should get back inside,' he said. 'I need to see Jack.'

'I'll go with you,' Dean said, and walked Cas back through the Impala.

Cas grew impatient with his leg as it refused to hold him up, but he limped as fast as he could back into the facility, with Dean close behind him.

'Cas!' Anna gasped as they ran into her. 'You're…'

'Mostly fixed, yes,' Cas said. 'Excuse me, Anna.' He walked past her and stumbled as he reached the elevator.

'Slow down, you're gonna hurt yourself,' Dean said, but Cas ignored him.

He burst into his own room, but was stopped dead in his tracks as he found his room packed with people.

'Oh hey, it worked,' Sam said to Cas, holding Jack in his arms.

Cas nodded and went over to him, ignoring all the people fussing over the baby. 'Please can I have him?' he said, dropping the crutch and holding his arms out.

Sam obliged and gently placed Jack in Cas's arms.

Cas bit his lip as emotion threatened to overwhelm him. He could feel all of Jack's tiny movements. He held Jack to his shoulder, gently cradling his head and rubbing his back. He hadn't been able to feel how soft Jack's tiny tufts of hair were before, nor the way Jack's tiny fists grabbed at him. It soothed a part of him that had been hidden for so long he'd forgotten it was there. Buried by the grief, for himself, for Amelia and Claire, and shoved away under distraction after distraction, the part of him that felt like a father finally surfaced. All for Jack. And all the more terrifying in their situation.

Then Dean's hand was at his back, carefully placed between his ports. 'Are you okay?' he murmured.

Cas nodded, too choked by emotion to speak. Jack wiggled in just the way that told Cas he was uncomfortable, so Cas lowered him from his shoulder and looked down at him in his arms. At that moment, he became aware again of everyone else, and found them all hovering awkwardly.

'Sorry, Cas, we just all wanted to meet him,' Sam said sheepishly.

'That's all right,' Cas croaked, finding his voice again. 'You weren't bothering him; he loves attention.'

Sam hesitated, then spoke again. 'We were wondering if - if it's okay with you - could we take him around for a walk? Meet some of the rest of the crew?'

'That's fine,' said Cas, 'but you'll have to carry him. We don't have a stroller or anything for him.'

'We brought a stroller for him,' one of the crew piped up.

Cas raised his eyebrows. 'Really?'

'Yeah, and toys and clothes and stuff.'

Cas smiled, gratified that Jack's presence had inspired so many. He laid Jack back down in Sam's arms. 'Don't take him outside,' he said, 'he's too young for the cold. There's a playmat in the garden for him if he gets cranky.'

'You got it,' Sam said. He left the room with Jack, swaying and singing to him as he went, and the rest of the crew followed him.

Cas closed his eyes and took long, calming breaths. When he opened them again, he was surprised to see Dean still standing there.

'You left this behind,' Dean said, holding up the new tablet, then placing it on Cas's desk for him. He stepped closer to Cas, his breath catching. 'You should be more careful with that,' he said, his voice low and husky. They were both still for a moment, then Dean closed the gap between them, yanking Cas close to him and crushing their lips together. Cas responded eagerly in kind, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck and teasing Dean's mouth with his tongue. Dean's hands ran up and down his back, sending shocks up and down his spine whenever they passed over his implants. Cas didn't stop him. The sensation was not unpleasant. Dean held him even closer, if that was possible, and nuzzled Cas's neck, eliciting a small gasp.

'I missed you,' Dean whispered in his ear. 'I couldn't stop thinking about you.' He kept kissing Cas's neck, gently nibbling as he went, and Cas couldn't help but moan.

It was the most he'd felt in months. Even before Dean had left some of the feeling in his skin had dulled, but now every movement, every brush of Dean's lips, sent hot waves through him. He took a step back, then another, encouraging Dean towards his bed. He pulled Dean's face away from his neck, hungry for his taste. With one hand in Dean's hair, Cas pushed off Dean's jacket with the other. Dean fumbled with the buttons on Cas's shirt, but got impatient and ripped the shirt open, spraying buttons on the floor. He paused long enough to yank off the t-shirt he was wearing before grabbing Cas's face and kissing him all the more forcefully. With no barrier between Dean's fingers and his skin, Cas flushed and moaned again. Dean's hands were rough and calloused, but felt delicious on his bare back. He reached for Dean's belt buckle, tugging it open while Dean wrestled with the clasp and zip on Cas's pants.

'What's wrong with your clothes, dude?' he laughed breathlessly.

Cas didn't answer, instead kissing Dean's chest and shoulders while their remaining articles of clothing dropped to the floor.

Dean braced his knee on the bed as he carefully laid Cas on it, taking care not to drop him on his implants. In the moment it took, Cas raked his eyes over Dean's body, taking notice of the new scars that were there, and how lean he'd become. His muscles rippled beneath his skin, and Cas ran his hands over them, before Dean was on top of him, scooping Cas up in his arms and parting his legs with a knee.

Heavy breaths escaped Dean, his hands frantically touching every part of Cas he could reach, while Cas lay back in a state of ecstasy, unable to think past the white hot pleasure searing through him and the sound of Dean's voice gasping his name.

Welcome back! Thanks to SoulBBHJ01 for the review!