Author's Note: I do not own Beverly Hills 90210 or its characters.

"Iris. Can't you find any other form of entertainment besides showing up at my door unannounced?"

"Oh, but the irritated look on your face is what makes this so fun for me." She walked in right past him and sat at his kitchen table. "It actually seems like perfect timing considering the state of you."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"Darling, your aura...I've never seen such a dull, cloudy haze following you around. It lacks any vibrant color at all and..." She squints a little as she observes him, "I swear I can almost see holes or dark patches. How's your emotional balance?"

Dylan rolled his eyes the way he did any time his mother started with this hippie, nature, energy crap.

"It's fine."

"Those flickering edges say otherwise."

"Flickering edges...what are-" Dylan stopped himself and blew out a breath. He put up his hand, "Nevermind. What are you doing here?"

"Erica and I got in last night. She finished her summer classes early so we decided to make the trip while she had some time off."

"Well, where is she then?"

"She's down at the beach waiting for us. She got a head start on the surf this morning. I told her to go ahead and I would come to see if you could join us."

"Well as usual, your timing is impeccable. I have a barbecue to go to at Sanders' house around 5. After the beach, we can head there. I'm sure he and Janet won't mind two more guests."

"Oh, that sounds lovely." Iris beamed.

Dylan grabbed his board and wetsuit as they set off to the beach. Iris took to walking the shore to create a collection of seashells to bring to Maddie while Dylan and Erica placed bets on who could stay on their board the longest.

"I'm calling unfair advantage." Dylan teased as he and Erica sat on their boards out on the ocean. "We both know the surf is better in Hawaii than LA. You have better practicing grounds."

"Yeah, Yeah. Just admit I'm better." She teased back.

"Never." Dylan smiled, "But I will admit that it is good to see you."

Erica smiled at the brother that she'd always looked to more as a father figure.

"You too, Dylan." She said. "Now, do you want to explain what's on your mind?"

Fucking hell how are people doing this? I'm certain I used to be able hide my feelings better than this.

"Oh, please tell me Iris hasn't roped you into this energy reading crap." He snarked at her.

"It's not that. It's your face. It looks like something is hidden. You look...sad. It reminds me of the one you wore when I first met you all those years ago."

Dylan thought back to that time. Freshman year at C.U... Fuck, I really do have a Brenda face.

"Nothing to worry about, squirt. Just one of those weeks where things feel jumbled..."

Yeah...that's severely underplaying it. "Come on. We should get back" Dylan began paddling back to shore effectively dodging any more questioning. But he knew he couldn't keep the real reason for his somber appearance from them much longer. They were headed to a gang reunion barbecue at Steve's after all, and Brenda's presence was guaranteed. He worked hard to ignore the feelings that stirred inside of him.

After another hour at the beach, Dylan showered off the sand and the three of them piled into one car and headed to Steve's house.

"Are you sure Steve won't mind that we are tagging along?" Erica asked.

"Are you kidding? They haven't seen you in years. I know they'll enjoy the surprise. You'll love Maddie too, she's adorable...Plus..."

Iris lifted her eyebrows at Dylan, waiting for him to finish his thought.

"The Walshes will be there."

"Oh Jim, and Cindy! That's wonderful, it's been such a long time."

"Yep, Jim and Cindy. Brandon...and Brenda." As he said it, Dylan looked into the rear view mirror and watched the realization hit Erica's face.

Then he noticed his mother's not so subtle smirk as she looked down avoiding his eyes.

"I see..."

"Don't tell me...oh come on! You knew, too?!" His eyes quickly darted from his mother to his sister and back again. "Both of you?! What the hell is this? Keep secrets from Dylan week?"

"Oh no darling, I didn't know she was here already...but...we did know about her play here this weekend. She mentioned it in her correspondence to us. You know we've always remained close."

"Yeah, Dylan. We really didn't know she was here already. But I guess now the face makes sense..."

"And the static aura." Iris added.

"Hey, I don't have a face alright? And my aura is fine. I'm fine with it."

Erica huffed from the backseat, "Dylan please. No one knows how in love you were with her better than me. No one else saw the way you were with each other in London. Are you ever going to tell me what happened?"

"Nope."

"Then will you admit that you're not fine?"

"Also no."

"Well, you should work on your poker face then because any dumbass can see how depressed you are."

"Erica!"

"Sorry, Iris."

"Look I am not depressed alright, can we just drop it?"

"Fine. You have a couple of hours to work on it anyways, we are early."

After a quick stop at the grocery store to pick up Steve's requested items, the McKays pulled up to the old Casa Walsh about 2 hours early. It would give Dylan one on one time with Mads and Iris insisted on helping Janet and Steve with the prep work.

Dylan was looking forward to the sweet distraction from his inner thoughts that Maddie always provided. At least, that was the plan.

As they walked up to the front door he opened it and led Iris and Erica into the foyer. Iris made comments about how different it had looked when the Walshes lived here. Dylan made his way into the kitchen searching for Steve and froze at the sight before him.

Maddie sat on the countertop cross-legged with flour on her hands and toes. Behind her, was the radiant face of the woman that he now knew would always be the center of his universe. Maddie giggled as Brenda tapped her nose with her own flour covered fingers. She thought it was hilarious and her sweet belly laugh filled the entire room, causing Brenda to laugh with her. Dylan was completely mesmerized.

Seeing Brenda and Maddie play and laugh together. It was an ache. A longing. A dream hitting him with the force of a wrecking ball. A vision of the future he desperately wanted but would likely never have. One of Brenda with a child of their own, a daughter with Bren's eyes and his wavy brown hair, baking cookies together. If it wasn't for Maddie's squeal he may have been trapped in that wish forever.

"Uncle Dylan!"

He blinked hard to shake the vision away and then focused on Maddie. He walked over to the counter and poked her flour covered nose, smiling at her soft giggle.

"Hey Madster. You look like you're having the time of your life."

"Auntie Bren asked for my help baking cookies. Can you believe she doesn't know how?"

Dylan shot an amused look at Brenda, knowing she knew exactly what she was doing. Bren loved to bake.

Brenda surprised him by giving him a shy smile. After that dance, her reaction and her words..."we're done anyway." Dylan didn't expect...well he didn't really know what he expected, but it wasn't that.

"Hi, Dylan."

"Hey, Bren." He said with a soft sigh, like he was relieved she would speak to him at all.

"I surprised Maddie and came early, she's helping me with some fun desserts…aren't you honey?" She said as she tickled Maddie's side sweetly, the vision once again creeping it's way into Dylan's mind. Then she looked back at him. "You're really early too."

"Yeah, I was put on grocery pick up duty, and Iris wanted to come and help if she could."

At that, Brenda's face beamed, "Iris is here?!"

Dylan threw a dimpled smile at her enthusiasm and nervously put his hands in his pockets. "Yeah, she arrived this morning in typical Iris fashion, without warning."

Brenda laughed at that and nodded, an acknowledgment that she remembered how much Dylan hated Iris' surprise drop-ins.

"Well, I'm going to go say hello." Then she kissed Maddie's cheek and looked directly at Dylan. "You got this mess, right?" She asked with a sassy smirk and then walked away.

Dylan was left there stunned, wondering what the hell just happened. She seemed pissed at the After Dark, but they just had the most normal interaction they'd had since she'd been in town. What was he missing?

Brenda walked out of her old kitchen, untying her apron along the way. As she left, she heard Maddie giggling with Dylan as she rubbed her nose against his putting flour there.

Damn. Of course this would happen.

Val and Brandon dropped her off early so she could spend time with Maddie, but then they left to pick up Andrea from the airport. Now of course Dylan is here, too, and she found herself wishing she had asked one of them to say.

No. This is fine.

After the ice cream therapy with her siblings and a night of journaling, she'd had a full weekend of bonding with Val and Annie. They kept her distracted enough to not spiral with the emotional aftershock of her dance with Dylan. She wouldn't spin, but her reaction to him at the After Dark was proof that her plan to just avoid all feelings and block him out was not working anymore. It was fine when he was out of sight, but being here…near him…if anything that method was making it harder. She knew she would see him at the barbecue this evening, so she'd spent the morning analyzing, preparing herself, rebuilding the emotional walls she'd set in place four years ago.

Her feelings for Dylan were like an endless body of water. Anger, love, desire, heartbreak. A vast ocean of unlimited emotions for him. Her mistake had been pushing it all away at once, shoving it all aside where it could linger, and grow and build. Like water being held back by a wall. What could start as a small amount eventually builds as more water flows, causing the pressure to rise enough to create a structural shift in the foundation. The result is that the wall crumbles. Brenda couldn't do that. She couldn't risk the weight of it all falling back onto her, wiping out everything she'd fought to build as protection for herself, bringing her back to that place... No. she had to find a better way.

Instead of using her walls as a method of blocking him out completely, she simply needed to restructure them. She could keep them in tact, but create a small opening, like a pressure release. A wall with a tunnel carved out just big enough to let a small amount of water flow through freely until it eventually levels out, and the pressure is the same on both sides. That's what she needed. If there was no surefire way to keep the water out, then she'd let it in a trickle at a time. To keep the pressure of the water from crumbling her walls.

It was easier said than done, her anger and love and confusion came bubbling to the surface as soon as she saw him in the kitchen and her immediate reaction was to shove it all away, but instead, she shifted her focus into another emotion: acceptance.

All those other emotions at this current time didn't matter. She could be angry. She could be confused and have questions. She could feel that endless ocean of love for him. But it didn't change a thing, they ended the way they did, and now it's done.

She'd accepted that, and now she had to accept that Dylan would always be in her life in some way or another, this visit to Beverly Hills was proof of that. If she was going to try to deal with these emotions once and for all, she needed to let them in, little by little, and sort it all out. It was about balance. She'd done that same thing in Senior year and college when she got past the hurt and let him be her friend after all the pain. She could do it again, it was for her own good, because clearly bottling everything up wasn't working.

Friendly. She could do that.

Brenda reached the foyer where Iris and Erica were and all three women's faces broke into glorious smiles.

"Oh my god, Iris! Erica!" She squealed happily as she gave each woman big hugs in greeting. "I didn't know you two were coming, I'm so glad you're both here!"

She noticed Dylan walk in with Maddie on his hip. He was silently watching their interaction with a smirk on his face.

Iris shot a mischievous look at Brenda, "Honey, no one knew we were coming. You know how I love to surprise my son. It's-"

"Half the fun." Brenda finished her sentence with a laugh. "Yeah I know."

She could practically hear Dylan's eyes roll.

"Where are you guys staying?" Brenda asked looking between the two women. "You normally stay at the Beverly Royale don't you? That's where I am. Maybe the three of us can have lunch or something tomorrow?"

Brenda immediately realized her mistake. Fuck.

Dylan hadn't known where she was staying. Well she didn't think he did. But whatever the case, he knew now. She shook off the slip up and continued talking with Iris.

"Yes, that's where we are as well, and we would love to."

Then Iris looked at Brenda for a long moment, observing her face. Brenda noticed a slight twitch in Iris's eye, like she was searching for something, or having a realization. Erica must have noticed the strange look as well.

"Iris, is everything okay?" Erica asked as Brenda looked on concerned.

The woman shook her head at them with a smile, and said easily, "Oh, yes of course darlings, everything is fine. It's just…really good to see you Brenda. Now I have both of my girls." Her eyes became glassy and she pulled Brenda and Erica in for a tight embrace.

The interaction hadn't passed Dylan's notice. He could always tell when Iris had something motherly she wanted to say or ask about, but she only held her tongue when it was something she knew could be upsetting. It made Dylan more curious. What about observing Brenda's face could trigger that emotion in his mother?

He didn't ask. It was obviously not the right time. Instead he introduced Maddie to the rest of his family, and then led Iris and Erica out back to where he assumed Steve and Janet would be. Just as he suspected, they were delighted to see them and have more people to host.

Dylan wanted to talk to Brenda again. He wanted to know if their earlier 'normal' conversation in the kitchen was a once off, or if he was allowed to be her friend again, even though every cell in his body wanted more than that. She kept herself busy though. Catching up with Iris, Erica, and Janet. Playing with Maddie. Helping where it was needed. Dylan stood beside Steve at the grill, but his attention couldn't be kept from her for long. His ogling at Brenda apparently hadn't gone unnoticed.

"Ya know, some people call that stalking, McKay." Steve joked.

"What?"

"Oh, come on. Don't try to pretend like you haven't been staring at Brenda since you got here. You're not as subtle as you think you are. Cut it out. It's weird." His friend masked it as a joke, but Dylan could also sense the seriousness in his tone.

Dylan sighed and cracked a smile at his friend. He really was more observant than anyone gave him credit for. And he'd also made his feelings on the matter of Brenda clear.

Playing it cool like usual and trying to tap into Steve's dominant 'typical male' personality, Dylan simply says, "Ah come on, Sanders. Bren's gorgeous, always has been. It's man natural urge to look at a pretty lady, right?"

Steve threw a look at Brenda and then back to Dylan, "You're not wrong." He said as he wiggled his eyebrows.

Dylan fought the urge to go primal and punch Steve for checking out Brenda but he was glad his diversion tactic worked. Though, now he knew he had to be more careful.

He spent his time shifting between helping Steve on the grill, and playing with Maddie. Tickling her, playing chase, hide and seek, swinging her on the swing-set. He felt better with the always welcome distraction of hanging out with Maddie. But he swore that maybe he was being watched. He could almost delude himself into thinking that he felt Brenda's eyes on him occasionally. But no, that can't be right. Could it?

After a few more minutes of playing with Maddie in grass, Steve called out to Dylan from the grill.

"McKay I could use another hand over here!"

"Yeah, you got it!" He got up and walked Maddie over to where her parents were. "Let me go wash my hands, I'll be right back."

He walked back into the house to get himself cleaned up and as he turned off the water on the kitchen sink, he heard her. He wasn't even aware that she was no longer outside with the others. It sounded like she was on the phone in the foyer. Dylan tried to stop himself from eavesdropping, but the words she spoke and the flirty tone she used made it nearly impossible for him to walk away.

"I know. This is the longest we've ever been away from each other."

Dylan froze in place by the door, determined to leave so that the gut wrenching pain wouldn't swallow him whole. But this sick need to verify what he already knew, that she was talking to her fiancé, held him in place.

"Well, I miss you, too, honey."

Poison. It flowed through his bloodstream and shocked his whole system.

"Just a few more days right?" The giggle that rang through the door after that was one Dylan knew. One that he used to get when he would whisper something inappropriate to her or make a sexual innuendo.

More poison. He couldn't stand the thought of someone else getting that giggle out of her.

"Mmm. Well, now I can't wait…" she said back in a seductive tone and Dylan almost fell to his knees. Another giggle, and then a slight sigh.

"I know. I love you, too."

Who needs lungs or a heart anyway?

"Bye, I'll see you soon."

Dylan slowly backed away from the door, knees shaking and his breathing unsteady. He thanked his lucky stars that it was only a phone call. If he had been subjected to seeing their interaction in person, well, he wouldn't need any help when it came to dying. His heart would stop on the spot. Suddenly a clearing of a throat got his attention. He had been so focused on listening to her that he completely missed it when Steve walked into the house. He didn't know how long he'd been standing there watching Dylan eavesdrop on Brenda, but by the look on his face, he was definitely not happy about it.

Fuck.

It had only been an hour since Dylan's arrival, but the time seemed to drag on as Brenda did her best to stick to her new resolve. She wasn't purposely avoiding him, or going out of her way to ice him out, but she was kept busy, which was helpful. Or would have been helpful, if she hadn't still been able to feel his eyes on her constantly. It wasn't until he was playing with Maddie that she didn't feel it anymore, him having been the one that was now distracted. Now it was Brenda's turn to watch him, though she was much more subtle in her observations. She didn't want to be looking at him, but she couldn't help it. She told herself it was fine. A trickle right? It's necessary.

As she looked on, she took note of the sparkle in his eyes as he pushed Maddie on the swing, the genuine laughs as he chased and tickled her, his attentiveness toward his goddaughter. Then she remembered their sweet moment in the kitchen earlier, when Dylan rubbed his nose against Maddie's flour covered one. Brenda could see traces of her Dylan. The Dylan she once knew. Not the Dylan that she had witnessed and heard about over the last four years. Not that…stranger. It allowed the anger to dissipate a little as she realized that maybe not everything was something she made up in her head; a figment of her imagination brought on by endless love and delusional happiness. No. Her Dylan was real. He existed. Realizing that he was really in there somewhere…letting go of a tiny bit of that anger…she felt the water pressure level out a bit.

"Are you alright, darling?" Iris asked, breaking Brenda out of her trance.

"Yeah, I am." As she spoke, her cell phone dinged. She looked down and smiled as she saw the message from Chace.

"Hey sweetheart, I'm in between meetings. Got a minute to talk? I miss you!"

Brenda blushed a little before looking at Iris again, "Actually, could you excuse me for a minute? I need to make a call."

Brenda didn't know why, but she felt awkward admitting who she needed to call to her…ex almost mother in law? Honorary mother. Yes. She'd go with that. Brenda had already dropped the news of her engagement, but she knew how much Iris and Erica had always considered her family, because she viewed them the same way. She didn't want to hurt anyone or rub anything in. She could tell both women were disappointed she wouldn't eventually be their legal daughter or sister, but Iris at least tried to be supportive. Erica though, seemed to he struggling with it.

Iris looked at Erica, who wore a somber expression, then back to Brenda with a slight smirk. "Honey, if that man is making you blush that way, then what are you sitting around talking to us for?" She threw a wink at Brenda, and it eased some of her guilt. Not that she should feel guilty for moving on. Erica just nodded with a half hearted smile.

Brenda walked away toward the house, but she could sense that Iris was still watching her as she went. Ever since that weird reaction earlier, she'd been occasionally giving her strange observant looks. Brenda passed it off as her imagination just being in overdrive, after all, her emotions were on high alert right now.

She made her way into the foyer and dialed Chace. He briefly caught her up on his day and told her how his meetings with the chairman of the foundation went. They spoke a few minutes more as she told him about baking with Maddie and catching up with "old friends." She conveniently skipped over the part about hanging out with her ex and his mother and sister…not that she was really hanging out with Dylan.

After a few minutes of chatting, Chace informed her that it was almost time for his next meeting.

"I don't like being so far away from you." He said sadly.

"I know. I think this is the longest we've ever been away from each other."

"Ugh, it's the worst. I hate it." She heard his sad sigh through the phone. "I miss you, Bren."

"Well, I miss you, too, honey."

"I need to see you."

"Just a few more days right?" She tried to reassure him.

"A few too many. But yes. And then once I get there, I'll show you just how much I missed you. Maybe I'll even do that thing you like." She smiles to herself and rolls her eyes playfully, knowing that he's making a joke and talking about giving her a foot rub while watching chick flicks. But the sexual undertone in his voice is what makes her giggle and flirt back.

She dropped her voice until it took on a seductive, breathy quality, "Mmm, Well, now I can't wait."

"That's it. I'm booking a flight." He said with a chuckle. "Shoot. I gotta go, Bren. I love you."

She closed her eyes and breathed out. He was such a good guy. He brought her a certain calm. A peace built from the knowledge that she never had to question his love.

"I know. I love you, too." She said truthfully.

"Bye, sweetheart."

"Bye, I'll see you soon."

"Not soon enough." He said right before hanging up. Brenda lingered there in foyer for a minute, bringing her phone to her lips as she thought about her fiancé. Thought about the guilt that rushed her over the fact that Dylan could still affect her the way he did the other night, when she had this incredible guy that treated her like his whole world. A guy she did love. Maybe the love didn't hold that same intensity. Maybe it didn't have endless waters as vast as the ocean with waves that could destroy. Waves that knocked you around and pulled you under.

But it was pure, and it was beautiful. It had been exactly what she needed to pull her out from under them.

She huffed in frustration and moved back toward the kitchen to make her way outside.

When she entered the room she noticed Steve and Dylan in the room together. She hadn't heard them enter the house but it was hard to miss the awkward energy that flowed between them. She looked back and forth between the two men, "Everything okay? Did I interrupt anything?"

It was Steve who responded to her, but his eyes never left Dylan. "Not at all, we were just grabbing barbecue sauce, and Maddie was asking if Aunt Bren could watch her on the slide."

"Okayyy…um. Yeah of course. I'll see you guys out there." And with that she walked toward the door, leaving the obvious tension behind her. She didn't know what it was about, and she was certain she didn't want to.