Harry sat nervously at the small table in Snape's kitchen. His house was different than Harry had expected, small, and … muglish… Though Harry supposed that made sense now that he knew Snape had been raised in the muggle world. My mum grew up around here… I wonder if Severus would show me her house.

Snape was bustling around the simple, cramped kitchen, fixing breakfast for them. Draco sat across from Harry, staring at the worn wooden table top that sat between them. Harry felt the silence hanging between them all. He didn't know what to say, a heavy feeling of guilt and shame had settled over him after he and Draco had made it down to the kitchens last night. Remus had assured him that it wasn't his fault, and logically Harry knew that, Sirius was an adult and was responsible for his own actions. He was traumatized and troubled long before Harry had come to live with them, before their row yesterday. But that didn't shake the feeling that it was all his fault. He wondered what was happening back at Grimauld Place. Were Remus and Sirius sitting through an awkwardly silent breakfast too? Was Sirius even conscious? When Harry had tried to kill himself he'd been taken to the hospital, had Remus done the same with Sirius? Gosh Sirius would hate that… he spent so much time locked up… what if it all reminds him too much of Azkaban and makes things worse?

"Harry, you need to eat." Snape's firm but quiet voice cut through Harry's mental spiral. He looked down at the plate of eggs, toast, and fruit. His stomach rolled uncooperatively, but he knew that Remus and Sirius didn't have time to be worrying about his right now, so he took a determined breath and picked up his fork.

"I'm not sure what is going to happen today," Snape said between bites, "But I think it would be a good idea to see if we can get you both an appointment with your therapist… Lucy?"

Harry nodded in confirmation, as much as he didn't like talking about things, he could see the benefit. So much had happened in the past 24 hours. He hadn't even had time to think through the end of the war. Having a chance to talk it out with Lou would be good.

Draco seemed to disagree, "I don't need to talk to her," he argued, a hint of stubbornness in his voice.

Snape raised a single eyebrow "The past 24 hours aside, you have an appointment with her in a few days. I will be calling her this morning to request that it be moved up." With a slightly softer look he added "humor me Draco."

Draco still looked like he might pick a fight, but he didn't respond. Instead he stood and announced that he was going to take a shower. Scowling angrily again when Snape reminded him that he was not allowed to be unsupervised for an hour after eating, and that if he chose to shower now he would be required to do so with the door open.

Draco glared, his eyes practically piercing holes into Severus. Harry ducked his head, silently wondering if he could sneak away and hide upstairs until the argument was over. But he knew Severus was too sharp for that. As the argument started to gain volume, Harry found himself mentally retreating. Perhaps that's why he didn't notice the owl until it was sitting in front of him, helping itself to the crumbs of his toast.

Draco and Snape had both fallen silent, and were staring at the owl and Harry questioningly. It wasn't Hedwig, which meant it wasn't from Remus or Sirius, not that they would send an owl when they could easily fire-call. And it wasn't Pigwidgen or Eroll, so it wasn't from the Weasleys. Harry couldn't really imagine who it would be from. Then he noticed that the envelope was of the muggle variety. A moment later his eyes caught the handwriting and his heart almost stopped. He pulled the letter free from the bird, who took off instantly through the open window. Then he stood, stumbling a bit as he ducked into the hallway. Draco made to follow him, but something Snape said held him back. Once away from prying eyes he slid a finger under the crease of the stark white envelope and popped it open. His eyes scanned the loose and sloppy print for only a moment before the paper fell from his grasp.

Snape had come into the hallway now, apparently sensing that something was amiss. He was asking Harry something, but he couldn't hear the words over the ringing in his ears. Suddenly he found himself filled with rage, almost blind with it. I have to… I have to do something… Oh gosh I think I might explode if I don't… Before he had really made the decision, Harry found his fist making contact with the thick plaster wall of Severus' back hallway. Pain shot through his hand, up his wrist and arm, but it felt good. He must have really shocked Severus and Draco, because he managed to get in two more punches before strong arms pulled him back, restraining him against Snape's chest.

Harry screamed, a wordless, otherworldly scream. He wasn't even sure what he was screaming for anymore. Voldemort is captured, Sirius hates me, nothing makes sense, and now… now… Harry thrashed against Snape's grasp, the feeling that he needed to escape overwhelming his thoughts. But Severus held him tight. He spoke softly, and he waited.

Eventually the adrenaline subsided, and Harry slumped in Severus' arms. His voice drifted, and he was left feeling horse and confused, a dull throbbing growing in his right hand and up his arm.

Once he had quieted, Severus slowly released him, anxiously searching Harry's face. "Are you alright?"

Harry huffed a semi laugh, and shrugged "who cares anymore?" he asked miserably.

Severus studied him for a moment, and then instructed Draco to stay with him while Severus stepped back into the kitchen. Harry heard the sound of phone keys being pressed, then felt the buzz of a silencing ward fall between them.

Draco eyed him warily, slowly sinking to the floor opposite him. "Are you…" he cast his eyes around as if the words he needed could be found in the hallway with them. Apparently they could. "What did that letter say?"

Harry shook his head, quickly reaching out and snatching the paper with his left hand, his right was beginning to swell quite brilliantly, and awkwardly shoved it into the pocket of his pajamas. "It doesn't matter" his voice felt scratchy and raw. Thankfully Draco didn't speak again.

Remus sat in a comfortable wingback chair beside Sirius's bed. After sending Harry and Draco off he had tried to think of how to proceed. Logic told him he should get some sleep, but he couldn't bear the thought of closing his eyes. So he dressed quickly and returned to Sirius' room. Slowly he had gone through the room, gathering empty bottles, cigarettes, and blades. He'd even found some pills though he couldn't imagine how Sirius had gotten them. The bottles were mostly muggle liquor, and mostly empty. He stacked them in a neat pile next to the bed, along with the blades. His heart hurt when he had found the first one, he had immediately recognized it as one that they had confiscated from Harry. He had tried to tell himself that Sirius must have just put it in here to keep it from Harry. But that begged the question, why keep it at all?

Next he'd found a box of muggle razors, the plastic broken off and the blades loose. He'd known then, but he didn't want to believe it. The last one he found was in Sirius' bedside drawer. It was the blade Draco's father had given him for Christmas. Remus held back tears as he pulled up his unconscious friend's sleeves to see the thin lines in various stages of healing.

After that he had just sat, and thought. How could I have been so stupid? How did I not see it? He thought miserably. And really, what did I expect, Sirius had only been out of prison a year when we took Harry in. I knew he was still struggling… I should have paid more attention. Then anger flared in his chest, I was doing my best to keep Harry alive, we've all been through crap, when is he going to grow up? Eventually Remus found himself reminiscing about the many times he had sat by Sirius's bedside over the years, wondering how to help his friend. Hopelessness overcame him. I can't save you, the thought rolled through his mind again and again. And a slightly darker thought, one he wasn't sure he was willing to give voice to. And I shouldn't have to.

When Sirius finally began to stir, at nearly 11 o'clock in the morning, Remus still wasn't sure what he wanted to say. But he was sure of one thing, Harry couldn't live with Sirius, not right now. If that meant Remus had to move out, and leave his friend to descend into madness, he would do it. Harry has to come first.

Sirius' first indication that he was alive was the pounding headache that woke him. He couldn't remember where he was, or what had happened, but he had woken up hungover enough to recognize it. It wasn't until he rolled over, retching onto the floor, and in the process inadvertently opening his eyes, that he realized he was not alone.

Once the dry heaving subsided he rolled onto his back, taking a few slow, deep breaths, and closing his eyes. The pounding headache made it hard to think, but if Remus was in here, sitting there waiting for him to wake, then something bad must have happened. Sirius had done something bad.

After a few moments, blurry images flashed through his mind. Drinking alone in his room, feeling angry and miserable. Shouting at his mother, telling her how wrong she was. Then the burning need to make things right with Harry. He saw his godson's face, looking tired and confused, worried. Oh gods, what did I do? He brought a hand to his mouth and bit down, trying to ground himself before he faced reality, faced the man patiently waiting five feet away.

"Is Harry okay?'' he choked out, not opening his eyes to see Remus's face. "Is he… did I… Oh gosh I can't remember anything."

There was a long silence before Remus responded. "Harry and Draco are fine, shaken and I'm sure feeling a bit out of sorts, but you didn't hurt anyone."

Sirius nodded, the motion bringing on another wave of nausea which quickly descended into retching again. This time he stayed on his side, letting his head drop back on the pillow slick with sweat, but meeting his oldest friend's eyes. "I remember wanting to make things right with him… I must have woken him up, and Draco too?" He was guessing there, he wasn't sure why he would have, but Remus had mentioned him so the boy must have gotten involved somehow.

Remus nodded solemnly. "Harry wasn't too keen on giving me a detailed account, but according to Draco you woke them both up to 'have an adventure' in an attempt to make things right with Harry. Although from the sound of it you mistook him for James most of the time."

Sirius gulped, he didn't remember any adventure, and the way Remus was speaking made him sure that whatever had unfolded had been anything but a mischievous romp with his godson and second cousin. "I don't… I'm sorry Moony I really don't remember."

Remus' face remained grim as he continued to account the details of the night. They'd gone up to the roof, Sirius had started yelling, had been angry, at James and at Harry. "Harry said you blame him, for their deaths."

Sirius vomited again, and for a moment he wished it wouldn't end. That he would just be swallowed up by the world for what he had done. Flashes of the night started to come back. Mostly Harry's face, looking scared. And James' face. "I remember," he said slowly, when the retching stopped again. "I remember talking to James… I thought I was hallucinating."

Remus' face remained hard, anger etched into every line. "Well, you weren't."

Sirius watched his friend, It was hardly the first time he had woken up to Remus angry and ready to tell him off, filling in the gaps of a night gone black. But this time it was different. Remus wasn't yelling, or crying. He was calm, almost an eerie calm. It was then that Sirius noticed the piles at Remus' feet. The bottles, and the blades, and oh gods, the pills. He gazed at it all in horror, almost not hearing Remus when he spoke again.

"I don't know what to do, Sirius… I know that you've been through a lot. And that all that time in Azkaban has left you a bit… broken. It was probably too much, bringing Harry here. And then Draco too. I should have seen that you weren't able to cope." Remus hesitated for a moment, his eyes sweeping over the evidence of Sirius' 'coping' at his feet. "But my first priority is Harry, it has to be. So whatever you decide to do," Remus' calm facade broke a bit here, and for a moment he looked close to tears, but with a shuddering breath he reigned himself in. "I can't let you be near Harry right now."

Sirius stared at Remus, his hungover brain processing the words too slowly, and their meanings even slower. He had expected an ultimatum, threats and anger. He wasn't even really surprised that Remus would keep Harry from him if he was honest with himself, it was fairly obvious that he was not in a healthy enough place to help his already fragile godson. But he had not been expecting to be asked to choose. He had expected to be told; go to rehab, get sober, see a shrink, maybe even a stint in St Mungos. There was always a plan, instructions for him to follow. He woke hungover, to face the horror he had wracked on his loved ones, and they told him what he had to do to fix it. And then, they even made him do it. He would kick and scream and protest, but someone would drag him to therapy, pour all the bottles down the drain, watch him like a hawk to ensure he didn't get his hands on a blade or drugs.

"What do you mean," he asked after a while, "whatever I choose? What do you want me to do?" Sirius swallowed some bile back, he hated the idea of telling anyone that he would do whatever they said, but for Harry, for Remus, he would do anything. "Just tell me what to do."

Remus took a long breath, and then shook his head. "I can't Pads, I can't do it anymore. I… I can't save you."

Sirius felt his heart drop to his stomach, despite the many protests of his body, he forced himself to sit up and look Remus in the eyes. "I dont… I don't need you to save me" he heard the defensiveness in his voice, and he knew it wasn't fair. "Just tell me what it is you want me to do. How do I fix this?"

Remus just calmly shook his head again. He stood, and with a wave of his wand vanished the evidence of Sirius' descent into madness. "I can't tell you how to fix it" he said sadly "I don't know Sir, I don't…. It doesn't work, forcing you to take care of yourself, to get better. I can't do it anymore, and honestly, I don't want to." The words stung but Sirius bit back a sharp retort. "Harry and Draco are with Snape today, I am here… I can help you however you need. But then I need to be done."

Sirius staggered from the bed, falling to the ground as he tried to stop Remus from leaving. "What do you mean you're done?" panic rang through his mind.

Remus stopped and turned to him, a sad smile on his face. "I'm still your friend Pads, I will always love you like a brother. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. If you need someone to go with you to the hospital, or help you call your therapist, or find a rehab, I can do that. But I can't fix you and I won't try anymore. You need to decide if you want to fix yourself." And with that, he walked out, leaving Sirius on the floor, hungover and alone.

Harry glared daggers at Severus as they sat in the A waiting room. At least it's not too busy, he thought glumly. After Harry's 'episode' Snape had called Lucy, who instructed him under no uncertain terms to take Harry to be evaluated immediately. She said that she would make space to see Harry that afternoon, but he needed to get his hand checked out, and she wanted him to be seen for a psych evaluation without delay. Harry clenched his uninjured hand into a fist. The injured one really was starting to throb, but thanks to the stupid magical loophole about self injury, Snape said there was no point in going to St. Mungo's, and had instead driven Harry and Draco to the local muggle hospital.

It wasn't that Harry minded being around muggles, but he had no idea what he could say to a muggle doctor to explain. "Snape…" He whispered as inconspicuously as possible. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Snape gave him a characteristic eyebrow raise "I thought we had been over this?" He asked, his voice sounding tired.

Harry felt a twinge of guilt, surely Severus had better things to do today than sit around an A . But Harry had tried to convince him not to come. "You've been over it," he argued. "I get that Lou wants me to talk to someone… but I can't talk to a muggle doctor, I can't tell them half of my life! And what if they decide I'm completely mental and try to lock me up?

Harry had been expecting another eyebrow raise and perhaps a sarcastic comment about his sanity. But instead Severus' face became gentle, the expression was a bit unsettling coming from him. "Your doctor assured me that if the hospital staff feel you need a 'higher level of care' as she called it, that we can request that they confer with her office. And she would facilitate a transfer to St. Mungos." Snape seemed to hesitate for a moment before asking "Do you think you need to be admitted, Harry?"

He blushed and turned away from the older wizard. "No, of course not" he murmured quickly, probably too quickly. "I was just worried I'm going to sound like a nutter trying to explain myself without mentioning magic."

Severus regarded him silently before offering "You could tell the doctor that your parents were murdered, by a …. Serial killer? I believe that's the muggle term?" When Harry gave a sharp nod Severus continued. "Well then if you were to tell the doctors that they had been victims of a serial killer, and that he was just apprehended, that would be a sufficient explanation I should think."

Harry chewed lip for a moment. "Yeah, I suppose that would work." After another moment of silence he stood and wandered over to where Draco was staring moodily out the window of the dingy A waiting room. To his great relief Snape didn't follow. He must not think I'm that nutters.

Draco didn't turn his head when Harry came to stand next to him, "Should I step back? I'd hate to be the next thing you start hitting." The barb was sharp, but Harry could tell there wasn't much heat in it.

"I'm sorry you got dragged here" he said quietly. "I didn't do it on purpose."

Draco shrugged "I didn't think you had. It's kind of hard to fake that kind of thing."

Harry blushed, and was silent for a moment. His mind wandered over the last 24 hours. It had been miserable for him, but as he thought about it he realized that he'd been too focused on himself. "I'm sorry Draco, I should have asked sooner… Has Snape told you anything about your parents? Was your dad…. There?" He winced, the question sounded brash and insensitive, what a gryffindor.

Draco didn't take the bait though. "I haven't asked," he responded faintly.

"You haven't asked?" Harry thought his mouth couldn't drop anymore but then Draco gave a careless shrug.

"What's there to find out Harry? Either he was there and is now spending the rest of his life in azkaban, or… or" For a moment Harry thought Draco might cry, but he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, an eeiry calm mask falling over his face. "Or he wasn't and he disappeared to save his own ass."

Harry was at a loss for what to say. Before he could think of something, his name was called from across the room. When he looked away from Draco he found Snape and a young nurse waiting for him.

Harry sat on a small gurney, resting his swollen hand on a pillow and trying not to blush as Severus explained to the nurse what had brought them in. As she listened she took some notes in a chart. "Okay," she said a bit too brightly, her eyes avoiding Harry's. "Well we will need to get some x-rays to see if it's broken. And…" her eyes flashed between them awkwardly "I'll have the doctor put in an order for a psych eval."

He wasn't sure how he'd managed it, but at some point Sirius got off the floor. Perhaps it was his thoughts of James… He may have even indulged in a hallucination of his best friend. James would kill me, Sirius thought miserably. And not just because he had so glaringly failed his son, but because Sirius had failed himself too.

Sure, he'd been dealt a bad hand, but he had James had faced so much in their young lives. They had fought evil, had been willing to die for others to live freely. And what was keeping Sirius from living freely now? Only myself, that's what. And with that realization, and the imaginary voice of James in his head, Sirius pulled himself together. When he walked into the basement kitchen to face Remus an hour later he was showered and dressed in the freshest clothes he had managed to find.

"Hey," Remus greeted him, uncertainty all over his face.

Sirius leaned against the door frame, not quite brave enough to fully enter the room. "Hey," he parroted quietly. After what felt like forever, he found the courage to continue. "I'm sorry Remus. I know it's not enough… but I'm so sorry. Not just for last night, though that would be enough. I'm sorry for the past year, for not being honest with you… or myself. I'm sorry for all the times I've forced you to rescue me. I…." He gulped, trying to reign in his voice. "I'm a mess Mooney, and I don't know if I have what it takes to pull myself together… but I want to try."

Remus studied him for a long time before responding. "Come in here Pads," he called gently. "Come sit down you look like death walking." he winced at the image, but when Sirius chuckled and moved into the room he continued. "I know you've been through a lot, and I want to help you… I want you to get better. I just…"

"You have to take care of Harry," Sirius interrupted. "I know that, I want that. I don't… I don't know what to do… but I'll figure something out."

There was another long pause before either of them spoke again. Sirius wondered if that was the end of the conversation. Does he expect me to just leave? I know… I know I can't be here but…

Thankfully his friend interrupted his internal collapse. "You don't have to do it alone Sir, I can't carry you through this… I can't force you to change… But I want to help. Snape is keeping Harry for today, and even tomorrow if needed. I'm here, I will help you figure out what's next."

Sirius nodded "Thanks" he muttered, his voice thick with emotion. That begged the question though, what was next?

Apparently Remus had thought of this. "You need help, and while I really do believe that you need to make that choice for yourself, I think you probably need to be somewhere that people can help you… can protect you from yourself while you work things out."

Sirius blanched "I'm not going to St. Mungos" he said far too quickly.

Remus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Sirius, you jumped off a building last night! You can't keep yourself safe. I'm scared for you… but I can't keep you safe either. You need to go somewhere!"

Sirius glared at his friend, reeling from the whiplash of his own emotions. He took a deep breath and as soon as the anger had filled him, it left. "I… I don't know if I can do it Remus. I can't go back there."

Remus sighed, visibly deflating. "Well then, what next? You need to talk to someone."

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, the fear and impending doom of St. Mungo's psych ward looming over him. He couldn't be locked up again, he wasn't sure he would survive. But he knew he wasn't safe either. "Could…" he hesitated, the request was so silly, so needy and ridiculous. But it was the only thing he thought he could stand right now. "Could you call Lou? I think… I think I could talk to her. And if she says I need to go, I'll go." He felt like he was swallowing a rock, but once he'd said it he could hardly take it back.