Chapter 43: Help Me!
Daria sat at her desk in the Martian Mission to the UN staring out the window. It was a beautiful morning. On her computer stood her finished speech for the upcoming opening of the General Assembly. Now the question was whether to submit it to the Secretary General's office as requested, submit an alternative that would be about the same length or do nothing. She wasn't too concerned about getting bumped off of the agenda. It was already published and a number of ambassadors had already sent messages saying how anxious they were to hear her speak. This is where Daria could really use some help - even mentoring. She needed someone who knew this organization inside and out.
Daria brought up the list of UN members and observers and started parsing through it. She knew which countries supported Mars and which did not. The Swiss were predictably neutral. So many of these ambassadors had been at the UN for only a couple of years and were probably too beholden to the bureaucracy to provide any unbiased advice, assuming they would even talk to her.
As she continued through the list her eyes fell on the entity she should have thought of in the first place. Daria asked herself if she was losing her mind or was it just that there were so many countries. The Vatican. The Vatican was an observer like Mars. They became an observer in 1964. The current Papal Nuncio to the UN had served almost 20 years. Cardinal Henry Boothe was a Canadian, though as a diplomat he certainly traveled on his Vatican diplomatic passport. Daria had met him briefly once, but only briefly. Still, she might be able to rely on his knowledge and experience - assuming he had time for her.
Daria tapped a key on her computer and said to her personal assistant, "Deborah, would you please contact your counterpart at the Vatican Mission and see if I can get an appointment with Cardinal Boothe? Today if possible. Otherwise tomorrow morning. It is rather urgent."
"Right away, Ambassador," Deborah answered.
Daria thought for a moment about her assistant. Deborah came with great experience and had been a good hire. She excelled at her job. Still, Daria wondered who was actually her employer. Sure, the Martian Mission payed her salary, but in this diplomatic purgatory it was always possible people were not quite what they seemed. Deborah could easily work for the CIA or some other intelligence agency - friendly or not. Thus, there was a limit on what Daria would share with her. Really sensitive things became Tom's assignments. Daria went back to editing her speech.
It was just before lunch that Deborah knocked on Daria's office door.
"Come in," Daria said.
Deborah entered. Daria looked at her. Deborah was in her early 40's. She was average height, very fit, and was letting her black hair become 'Salt and Pepper." Her haircut reminded Daria a bit of Jane. Daria had to admit that she respected her for not trying to hide her gray and thereby part of her identity.
"I have good news and bad news, Ambassador," Deborah exclaimed.
"OK, what is the good news?"
"Cardinal Boothe is willing to meet with you today. In fact, he is willing to give you as much time as you need."
"That is good news, Deborah. So, what is the bad news?"
"Well," Deborah hesitated a bit. "He is willing to see you if you come to the 5:30 pm Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral. He will meet you in front of the main altar afterward and then he will take you elsewhere for the meeting."
"I don't see a problem with that," Daria chuckled. "After all, I am Catholic. I haven't been to Mass since I left Mars. It is probably overdue! Please tell your counterpart that I will meet the Cardinal at St. Patrick's and that I will be at Mass."
"Will you need a motorcade?"
"Absolutely not. A taxi or ride share would be fine. I really don't want to arrive in something that has UN plates. Heck, it is close enough I could walk!"
"I wouldn't recommend that. If someone sees you come out of the UN Plaza, then they might follow you and rob you. Or worse."
"Is it really that bad or are you concerned about me as a single woman walking around Manhattan?" Daria said with a note of frustration in her voice.
"Seriously, Ambassador," Deborah said. "We have had so many assaults and robberies of diplomats that nobody really goes outside of the Plaza anymore. That is why I think that Cardinal Boothe's request is both odd and risky."
"Tell you what, Deborah. Get me a car without UN plates or other diplomatic plates and I will have Tom come with me as security. After all there are certainly plenty of livery services in New York! Most people coming to town don't want to drive in this city. It is a mess."
"Very well, Ambassador. I will get a livery service that transports some UN guests. I will tell them 4:30 pm. They can meet you and your husband inside the diplomat's gate. They will drop you back there as well. I want you to be here tomorrow morning! I like this gig and I like you. So, please come back safe and sound."
"I will. I have dealt with many dangers before. So, how do you get here each day?"
"Me? Oh, I drive. I just make certain that once I get into Manhattan that I use the route that is most heavily policed and I only stop at stop lights. Going home is the same routine."
"Well, at least you didn't tell me you took the subway!" Daria said.
Deborah laughed and retorted, "No. I want to live and I prefer to choose my lovers not have them choose me." She then turned around and walked out.
43.2
Daria and Tom walked up to the Diplomat's Gate at precisely 4:30 pm and found their vehicle waiting for them. It was an upscale black sedan with dark tinted windows and New York plates. There were even a couple of minor dents in the rear fender so that it looked very typical of cars in the City.
As they approached, Tom commented to Daria that this particular type of sedan was supposed to be popular with members of the Mafia. Her response was that if that were the case, then they had nothing to worry about on this less than 1.2 km (0.8 mi) trek.
The driver, wearing normal business attire, opened the rear passenger door for Daria and closed it after she got in. Tom let himself in behind the driver.
"My name is Joseph," the driver said with a vaguely Caribbean accent. "It will only take a few minutes to get to St. Patrick's. Let me first give you my card." He handed both Daria and Tom copies of his card. "When you are done, then please call me. I should be able to pick you up within 15 to 20 minutes at most. Be sure to wait inside the Cathedral and I will send a text message when I arrive. You can then come and get directly into the car."
"Thank you, Joseph," Tom said.
Joseph drove the car through the gate and suddenly Daria and Tom were on the streets of New York.
As they exited UN Plaza, Daria saw that there were people across the street carrying protest signs. The sidewalk on the UN side of the street belonged to the UN and no one was allowed to linger there. No protests were allowed. If you stopped for much more than to tie your shoe, then you would have a run-in with the UN police.
Other than the protesters camped across the street, Daria did not see anything remarkable on the way to the cathedral. There were people walking on the sidewalk, but no one camping on the street or appearing to be in need of help. It was certainly not the scene of homelessness she had seen from some of the West Coast cities. There were some dark alleys on the route, but those were few. She really did not see why they were taking this limousine for such a short hop. But, she had to admit that just because Deborah was paranoid does not mean that there aren't people looking to rob or otherwise harm UN diplomats and personnel.
With traffic and stoplights it was all of 10 minutes later when Joesph pulled up in front of St. Patrick's. He came around and held the door for Daria. Tom got out by himself.
Joseph said quietly, "Now go up the stairs and into the building. I will stay here until you are safely inside. They have their own security, so I am not concerned about you once you are inside."
"Thank you, Joseph," Daria responded. "I will call when we are ready to be picked up."
Joseph was true to his word and watched as Daria and Tom walked up the stairs and into the cathedral. Then he got back into the car and drove off. He did have another customer this evening.
Daria and Tom walked into the cathedral. It had been over 30 years since they were last here. As they expected, not much had changed. They worked their way toward the altar area passing tourists and seeing the occasional person praying in a side chapel. By the time they found seats it was only a few minutes before the start of Mass. As the organist began a prelude, Daria looked around and was surprised to see that there were probably a hundred people attending.
Daria was a bit confused during Mass, as she could not remember why this day might be particularly important. Both New York's Cardinal Ohu and Cardinal Boothe officiated during Mass. When Cardinal Boothe climbed into the pulpit Daria found out the importance of the day. It was the day of St. John Chrysostom. Cardinal Boothe talked about the Saint's preaching as bishop and how he took on the wealthy elite of Constantinople - including the Empress. He deposed bishops who had bought their way into their positions. He was a champion of the poor. He did not suffer synchophants. This didn't sit well with the elites and eventually the Empress managed to get him exiled. Cardinal Boothe did not hesitate to draw comparisons with present day wealthy citizens, politicians, and the UN crowd.
After Mass ended, Daria and Tom waited around near the altar area. It was almost a half hour before Cardinal Boothe appeared.
Walking up to them, Cardinal Boothe was dressed in a simple black suit with Roman collar. "Ambassador Sloane I presume?" he said extending his hand.
"Your Eminance," Daria responded and took his hand.
"Please call be 'Hank.' It is my name!"
"And I am Daria. This is my husband, Tom. He is also our Chargé d'Affairs."
"Pleased to meet you," Cardinal Boothe said shaking hands with Tom.
"Please call me Tom," Tom responded.
"Now if you two will follow me." Cardinal Boothe led Daria and Tom behind the altar and down to two copper doors. The Cardinal opened the doors and motioned the two of them to go in. There a round coffee table was set up with three comfortable arm chairs. A porcelain teapot and teacups with saucers sat on the table. Cardinal Boothe closed the doors and locked them from the inside. Daria and Tom both immediately recognized the room as the cathedral's crypt. He then motioned Daria and Tom to take a seat - which they did. The Cardinal poured tea for the three of them.
Tom couldn't help himself, "Interesting place for a meeting! Are the others here going to take part?"
Hank laughed out loud. "At least they know how to keep quiet,Tom! Seriously, this is one of the very few places I can be certain no one is listening to us except God. The crypt is effectively a faraday box. Between the metal and stone no electronic signals can get in our out. If you look at your phone you will see that there is no service. For important meetings, especially clandestine ones, I do not like to meet at the UN. If the UN itself isn't bugging the room, then you can take your pick of who might be. I also have it swept for devices daily and right before a meeting. If nothing can get out there still could be a device that someone has planted which records and can be picked up later."
"Sort of like a trail camera," Tom injected.
"Exactly and I do not wish to be game on the trail!"
As they got comfortable, Daria started their business, "Hank, I have a bit of a dilemma. I have completed my speech for the opening of the General Assembly. But, the Secretary General wants a copy of it for the delegate packet. There are things in there that I do not want to reveal ahead of my speech. I need your advice on how to handle this situation. Also, I would really welcome some of your wisdom on what truly transpires at these openings."
Hank looked at both Daria and Tom and smiled. "I am happy to advise you on this, Daria."
"Thank you," Daria responded.
Tom nodded and stated, "We truly appreciate this."
"I think that there are two things to remember," Hank began after taking a sip of tea. "First, all the speakers are representing sovereign countries or entities - like yourself. There is no timer running on your speech no matter what the Secretary General or anyone else says. Heads of State that run really long get a flashing red light in the back of the chamber and delegates will pretend to nod off. Your time is your own. Take whatever time you need to say what you need to say. However, keep it coming fast and at least you will keep your audience's attention. As an English professor I know you can lecture about anything for 55 minutes. Try to keep your remarks more in the 15-20 minute range. Even that may be stretching the attention span for this crowd a bit." Hank took another sip of his tea.
"Ok," Daria said with a hint of a smile.
Hank looked directly at Daria and gave her a sly grin, "And the second thing to remember is that nowhere on Earth exists such 'a wretched hive of scum and villainy!' Or if you prefer that I reference the Bible rather than Star Wars, I would say something like: The people in that chamber can quickly bring to mind why God chose to destroy Sodom and Gomorra. The greed, avarice, hatred, and jealousy are unmatched in my experience. Of the 7 deadly sins the only one I cannot in good conscious accuse them of is sloth. They work so hard to - pardon the term - screw one another and line their personal pockets that I have to give them credit for being hard working."
Daria sighed, "I am coming to much the same conclusion. That is why I came to you. Bishop Shamus Leary told me before I left Mars that you are a trustworthy person."
Hank smiled again. "Coming from Shamus that is quite a compliment. I have known him for many years and he is not one to mince words. To be fully transparent, he sent me an email about the time you arrived in New York and suggested that I get to know you and Tom."
"So, what do you think Daria ought to do with her speech?" Tom asked.
Hank replied, "I think she should send a speech to the Secretary General's Office as requested. Make certain that the word count is roughly the same as the speech you actually intend to give. On the very last line note that this is your current draft as of the deadline. That way the bureaucrats are happy. You have fulfilled the Secretary General's request. And you, like everyone else at the opening, will say whatever they desire."
Daria and Tom nodded.
Hank continued, "The other thing is that you need to constantly remind yourself that no one at the UN is going to look out for the interests of Mars like you. Countries do not have friends. They have interests. As long as your activities fit their interests, then they will act like friends. However, they will turn on you in the twinkling of an eye. Some may already be plotting your embarrassment and marginalization."
"And one has already tried and failed to conquer us," Daria stated in total deadpan.
Hank nodded, "That is true. Expect them and some of their allies to walk out before you even begin your speech or at some point during your speech. They will say to the press that they walked out because what you said is outrageous, offensive, or meddling in their internal affairs. Of course that is all nonsense, but the press eats it up. They have enough reporters and news agencies in their pocket that you can bet there will be headlines the next morning. You could say that you wanted to give everyone in the world a kitten and they will blast you for being a dog hater. They might even say that you favor eradication of puppies!"
Tom couldn't hold it in and just laughed out loud. The sound rang as it bounced off the stone walls of the crypt. Daria patted Tom's arm as Hank laughed as well. Everyone took a drink of their tea.
Hank dabbed his right eye and continued, "I strongly recommend that you have some standby press releases drafted to respond to possible accusations of that type. It will save you time and gives you the opportunity to look at what misinterpretations there will be of your speech."
"Good advice," Daria said. Looking at Tom Daria added, "Another thing to add to your 'to do list.' Tom."
Hank finished his tea and asked Daria, "Would you and Tom join me for dinner this evening? Cardinal Ohu and I are dining in at the Rectory. The chef is really quite good. I already asked both the chef and the Cardinal if it was OK to bring guests this evening and they agreed."
"We would love to," Daria responded excitedly and smiled. It was the first time in a while that Tom had heard some excitement in Daria's voice.
"Wonderful! Just walk with me. It is only a short walk."
The three got up out of their chairs. Daria and Tom accompanied the Cardinal to the Rectory.
43.3
It was late when Tom placed the call for their pickup and both he and Daria were tired. The dinner had been excellent. An amazing cabbage soup to start followed by roast beef with gravy, rosemary potatoes, and green beans bundled using delicately shaved carrot strips. The wine - a California Cabernet Sauvignon - was quite excellent as well. The meal was finished with probably the best Boston cream pie that Tom had ever eaten and coffee. After dinner they sipped a fine Armenian cognac in the living room.
Tom and Daria saw Joseph pull up through the window. and a moment later received his text message. He got out of the car and walked around it ready to open the car door for Daria. Tom held the cathedral door for Daria and she walked out first. Tom followed right behind her. He was a little tense, since Joseph and people at the UN had played up the issue of street crime. Just in case, he had procured a little device from Security. It looked like a pair of brass knuckles, but in fact was a high charged contact taser good for 8 shots. Hit someone with that anywhere on their body and they would be lying on the ground twitching for at least 90 seconds! The device was totally illegal in New York, but since Tom had diplomatic immunity here it did not matter.
They got to the car without incident and Daria slipped into the back seat. Tom walked around to the other side and got in next to her. As Joseph pulled away from the curb Tom commented, "Joseph, I didn't think you would still be on duty when I called! I thought maybe someone else from your company would pick us up."
Joseph chuckled, "Oh no sir. On these diplomatic runs each driver serves until the client is home safely. We feel that it is very important that you see a recognizable face, so that you need not concern yourself that the person picking you up is an imposter. While kidnappings are very very rare here, still some of the diplomats come from countries where it is a true concern. So, it is best just to make certain that the same person is available for the entire engagement."
Daria interjected, "Well it is very nice to see you again."
"Thank you ma'am," Joseph replied. "Here we are. The drive certainly goes so much faster at this time of night." Joseph stopped so that the guard could open the gate. He waived them through and Joseph parked in the same spot where Daria and Tom had first met him.
"Have a good evening, Joseph," Daria said as she and Tom began walking toward their apartment building.
"You as well," Joseph replied as he got back into the car and drove off.
Once back in their apartment, Tom put his arms around Daria and said, "Those guys had some very good advice for you."
"Yes they did," Daria replied. She pulled Tom a little closer and put her head on his chest. "It wasn't so much that I didn't know what to do, but that they confirmed both my suspicions and the path I was considering most. It was actually rather affirming. Still, I don't know what I would do without you. I still do not feel totally confident in this role." Pulling back just a bit Daria looked into Tom's eyes, "Good heavens, I was an English professor and we were just trying to have a little adventure going to Mars for a few years. Look at us now! We are the Martian diplomatic corps!"
Tom smiled at Daria and kissed her deeply. He whispered to her, "Some would call that nothing short of wild success. Wild adventures and diplomacy. You are the veritable Teddy Roosevelt of Mars!"
"Hmm," Daria responded. "I don't know about that. At least I don't have to endure being President." Taking Tom by the hand she started toward the bedroom. With a sly grin Daria deadpanned, "Well, I guess we could look into playing Teddy Roosevelt and the Roughriders. Maybe you can make it up San Juan Hill."
"I will do what I can with what I have, where I am," Tom said as they entered the bedroom.
"That isn't his quote."
"It doesn't matter," Tom remarked as he pulled Daria close and kissed her again.