CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

It was too cold to sit outside, but we made do anyway.

Jasper, predictably, had been insistent that I bring an extra jacket, and I'd never admit that he was right even as I wrapped it tighter around me. Now that I knew, he didn't bother with any pretenses and simply sat there in a t-shirt and jeans. It was one of the few parts of being a vampire I imagined must be nice—the elements would never weather them, not in any real way. They were stronger than stone in that way, for even the cliffs nearby would eventually be worn down by the harsh Washington weather, when I was long gone.

Would Jasper one day return to this spot, long after he'd forgotten my name, and find the entire landscape changed?

"You're in your head today," Jasper spoke, voice gentle but still startling me from my thoughts.

Once again, he wasn't wrong. He wasn't the Cullen that could read my mind, and yet he still seemed to know what I was thinking without me having to tell him. "I've had a lot on my mind lately," I said back, focusing my attention on a few blades of grass I'd been braiding.

It hadn't been long since the day Rosalie brought me to meet the family, but since then I'd poured over every possible outcome for me, for us. She was right when she'd warned that things could not continue as they have been forever. Eventually, one of us would have to make a choice. Jasper was strong, impossibly strong for even daring to be near me, but still, he would hardly dare touch me for the risk of hurting me as he had before. This was no way to care for one another, and we both knew it, we had to. I also knew that Jasper would never make the decision to walk away from this, not unless there was a serious risk to my life. It would come down to me and what I wanted.

But who the hell knew what I wanted?

How was I supposed to decide now whether or not I wanted to live forever? One decision would change the entire trajectory of my life, and that thought alone made my stomach flip with anxiety.

"Are you nervous about exams? Your family?"

If it were anyone else, it would've felt like an invasion of privacy, to have my emotions identified so clearly. But Jasper meant well, and he'd never once done it in a way that hurt. He was trying to help in any way he could.

"No," I finally answered, turning a little to face him more directly. I was sitting on the large rock in our small clearing in the woods, with Jasper standing but leaning back against it. We were close enough that I could hold his hand if we were a normal couple, but now I simply watched to make sure my bent knee didn't get too close to accidentally brush his side as I sat criss-cross. "I've been thinking about us, and about…the future."

"We can figure out the future," Jasper reassured, though his words didn't touch the gnawing ache in my chest that arose when I thought about all of it. "We have plenty of time."

"I know, I just…you can't even touch me," I sighed, immediately explaining as his lips parted to respond, "and I understand why, I do. I know you don't want to hurt me, and I don't want to hurt you by making this too difficult for you. But I can't help but want what the others have."

At first, Jasper didn't respond. Sometimes he needed some time to think of what he wanted to say, and I was more than happy to give him that space. Eventually, he nodded and said, "If you want a normal relationship, I understand if y—"

"I want you, Jas. I'm willing to work for what we have," you said back, hand starting to reach out to comfort but quickly dropping it back to my lap. "What I'm trying to say is I wanted to try something. Do you trust me?"

"With my life."

A sharp inhale sounded in my throat, surprised by the ease with which he said such powerful words.

Slowly, I reached out my hand to the space between us, flipping it so my open palm was raised toward the sky. "Try holding my hand."

"Valerie, I don't think this i—"

"You can let go if it's uncomfortable or if it gets scary. Just one hand, while we're out here talking."

It seemed for a moment that Jasper would refuse, that he might decide he didn't very well trust me at all. It would be understandable if he did, given what had happened the last time we'd been so close out here. Even though it was my idea, my heart fluttered in my chest at the idea of testing this. Still, though, Rosalie's words rang in my head. We can't even touch without the fear that he would do something irreparable. How could we ever expect this to work without addressing that?

Then, tentatively, Jasper turned so he faced me. His chin was dipped so his eyes could watch our hands as he gently rested his over mine, fingers interlacing together. Though his hand was relaxed, the rest of his body was not as he watched the scene.

"Not bad?" I tried, smiling as he grew more confident to squeeze my hand.

"Not bad," Jasper breathed, and wasn't that a win in itself that he was breathing? He moved to let go of my hand, but I squeezed a little tighter if only to get him to look up at me.

"I was thinking about it. What if we did this every day, a little bit at a time? Maybe it'd get a little easier each time until it doesn't hurt for you to be around me." Jasper's hand reflexively tensed at my words, seemingly remembering where we'd first heard them just as I had. "I know it won't be the perfect fix, but if it can help even a little bit then I want to try it."

"I want to try," Jasper agreed, moving his hand so his thumb could rest on my pulse point at my wrist. I couldn't take my eyes off where our skin touched, practically mesmerized by the sight. It felt far more intimate than it should to have his thumb touch such a close tie to my heart, even as innocent as the touch was. "I want you to have everything, Val."

I moved to place my other hand over his, fingers gently tracing over the skin on the back of his hand. He was cool to the touch, not feeling entirely different from the stone under me. It wasn't often I had the opportunity to hold him so close, and I wasn't about to waste my chance now. We didn't say much as we held onto one another, simply watching as nature carried on around us or watching each other.

It was peaceful, having a moment to slow down like this. Meeting Jasper was one of the greatest things that has happened to me yet, but ever since then, there hasn't been a break. It didn't take long, though, for the thoughts to return in full force.

This was a huge step for the both of us, but it wasn't everything. There was still so much we had to cross just to make this bearable for him, much less safe for me. What Esme had said still stuck in my mind, even so far as to show up in my dreams in the days that had passed since. What would it be like, when the day came that I was like him? When holding hands wouldn't even take a second thought?

All it would take to get there was everything I had now. My entire life, everything I thought I would have in the future, would be the collateral for a life with Jasper and the Cullens. Was that a price I could willingly give?

"Could I ask you something else?" I asked, voice breaking up the comfortable silence we'd fallen into. I held onto his hand a little tighter, as though this might make it easier to say the words. "About, you know."

Jasper laughed as I gestured vaguely in his direction with my free hand, but nodded all the same. "You can ask me anything, you don't have to ask."

"I just, I know you don't like talking about before." Though we'd talked a lot, Jasper had still hardly told me anything about his vampire life before he found the Cullens. He'd kept it vague, merely telling me that it was entirely different and harsher than his life was with his new family. He'd always seemed hurt enough that I never wanted to press. But this? I needed to know.

I sighed, knowing there was no putting it off anymore. "What's it like to turn into a vampire?"

"What do you know about it?" Though most questions I asked were answered easily now that I knew the family secret, everyone had been pretty hesitant to tell me anything about this. It had made the idea pretty daunting, as though there was something downright terrible surrounding the transformation.

"Not much," I admitted, "Emmett said one bite is enough to do it."

"That's true," Jasper confirmed. He didn't say anything else for a few moments, seemingly gathering his thoughts first. "It's the venom that does it, not necessarily the bite. The more venom, the faster it happens. I don't know exactly what happens during the transformation, but when it starts, it feels…like burning. It's like a fire spreads through you, burning away the human parts and leaving behind a new you. Sometimes it takes hours, sometimes days. It was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life."

"And that's based on the venom?" I winced at the way my voice sounded, a little weak compared to normal. Burning. Could I really go through that? Jasper had been through literal war, what made anyone think that I could handle that pain when even he seemed so haunted by it?

"Partly. It also depends on the person. I don't know what decides it, but the transformation is easier on some people and harder on others. Not everyone survives it." Jasper says the last part low, either to hide it from me or himself I wasn't sure.

"You mean, if I decided to do it, I could die anyway?"

"It's an extremely difficult process on the body, there's no guarantee that it works. But it does, for most people."

"But not everyone."

A pause, then a sigh as Jasper realized there was no avoiding the truth of it. He stared at our hands again, thumb making small arcs across the veins in my wrist where he could feel my heartbeat. "No, not everyone."

Silence pervaded our alcove as I considered what he'd told me. There was a real possibility that I could die if I agreed to stay with Jasper, regardless of whether I chose to turn or not. All of this could be for nothing if I wasn't able to survive the transformation like the rest of them had. It didn't sound like there was a way to guarantee my safety, either, nor any way to know whether or not I could handle it until it happened. It would be a trust fall, a leap into an unknown so vast I wasn't even aware of if there was an end to it or not.

"I believe it's my turn to ask you a question," Jasper said after a long bout of quiet. He always spoke softly, like he was actively trying to be gentle, but his voice sounded fainter on those words, more unsure.

"Anything," I promised in return. He'd been more forthcoming about all of this than I'd ever expected since I'd found out the truth. It was the least I could do to give the same in return.

Jasper pressed the pad of his thumb into my pulse point a little more, making my heart jump. He'd be able to tell, both from his hold on me and from his heightened senses. There was never any hiding the way Jasper Hale affected me.

"Is turning into this something you would want?"

It was a simple question, one I was surprised he hadn't asked sooner. I also could guess what answer he'd be wanting to hear, and it was the one answer I wasn't sure I could give him yet. Though he gave me time to answer, I could see the tension in every line of Jasper's body, from the way he looked at me, to his shoulders, right down to the constant pressure of his hand in mine. This was a question that could ruin all of the hard work that we've put in.

"I've been thinking about it a lot," I began, dipping my chin down to focus on our hands. Was it to avoid catching Jasper's gaze? "I know it would make this easier. Esme told me your family would be happy to have me around, which is amazing…but I don't know. I've always dreamed of graduating high school, going to college, and finding my perfect job. I don't know if I'm ready to give all that up, I need more time to…I don't know, consider it all."

"It's a big decision," Jasper immediately said, pausing until I looked up. His expression was soft, golden eyes shining with both care and hurt. I had hurt him with my indecision, and my hesitancy. It was unavoidable, though, this hurt, just as it was unavoidable that there was a part of him that longed to destroy me for the blood rushing just under his fingers. "I would never force you into it if that's not what you want for yourself. I'm not sure it's even a possibility, Carlisle normally only turns people who are already dying. It's not something he takes lightly."

For those people, it wouldn't matter if the transformation killed them. It made sense, this way the doctor could keep some sense of morals to his actions.

"Would you do it?"

"No," Jasper denied quickly, shaking his head enough that a few of his curls fell into his face. "Turning someone into this takes incredible strength. Carlisle has to bite, has to taste human blood, and then have enough restraint to stop. I could never do it, especially not with you."

"You don't have to decide now, or ever," Jasper continued when I didn't. "That won't change how I feel about you."

"Even if this is all we can handle?" I asked, raising our entwined hands in the air.

"Even then," Jasper promised.

We didn't say much more on the subject, allowing the conversation to drift to lighter topics. We laughed, and shared stories, though my mind never quite fully drifted away from the decision I would one day have to make.

The days passed, and though we never spoke about it again we did continue to work on being near each other. It was still only holding hands, but it got to the point where Jasper would initiate it first. He seemed to like having his fingers on my pulse point, as it became rare to be with him without his touch there.

Even now, sitting at the park with Hannah and Laurie, it felt strange not to have his hand in mine. It was an oddly warm day despite the overcast skies, so I offered to take Laurie to the park to play. More of my time was being taken up by Jasper and the Cullens, and though I loved spending time with them I also missed spending time with my friends.

"I'm taking a trip up to Seattle to visit campus this spring, you should come with me," Hannah said from beside me on the bench. While I watched Laurie play to make sure she was okay, Hannah had a sketchpad in her lap to work on an assignment for class. "It'll be fun. Mom and Dad are getting a hotel room for me but they're letting me go with a friend."

"Hell yeah, I'm sure I can get Will and Becca to agree to it," I said. It would be a hard sell getting them to agree to let me leave for a weekend, but at least it wasn't with Jasper.

"Oh good! I wasn't sure if they'd want to after, you know, the Port Angeles thing."

Fuck, Hannah and Jordan still thought my injuries were from Port Angeles. Most of the town did, really, because none of us had wanted to ruin the Cullens' life there when we'd worked it all out. Guilt washed over me, tugging at the center of my chest as if to urge me to tell the truth.

"Right, yeah," I said, "it'll be tough convincing them but I think I can. They've been wanting me to spend more time with friends lately."

At least that was true. Though my curfew was still strict, and many rules were set surrounding when and with whom I could leave the house, Will and Becca had been allowing more time with Hannah and Jordan. Especially on therapy days, when I was sometimes so run ragged all I needed was to forget the rest of the world with some of the people I trusted most.

"Maybe you can come with me to tour some programs, too. Like a girl's trip!" I suggested. I still had no idea where I was going to be next year, though it all still felt like a lifetime away. Who knew, maybe next year I'd be with the Cullens right here in Forks instead.

"I assumed Jasper would be going with you." Hannah grinned and wiggled her eyebrows dramatically, pulling a laugh from both of us.

"No," I answered, shaking my head. "He's taking a gap year next year, so I'm not gonna drag him around college campuses." Not to mention the fact that he can't be out in the sun, and some of the places I was going would be far sunnier than here. "We're gonna go t—Laurie, be careful!"

When Laurie began to climb up on top of some of the playground equipment, I stood and jogged over. She was pretty adventurous and would frequently come home with scraped elbows and knees from her fun, but there was no way she'd get hurt on my watch.

"Okay, okay!" Laurie called out, already beginning to climb back down with a loud, over-dramatized sigh. "Sit back down, Aunt Val!"

I scoffed, rolling my eyes but indeed stopped in my tracks.

"Kids, am I right?"

I didn't recognize the voice. Maybe it was the dad of another kid there, though he seemed a little smug for that. Turning, my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach at the sight of the man beside me.

He had red eyes and long, stringy blonde hair. There was a smirk on his face like he knew I'd been caught in his trap, though his hands remained shoved in the pockets of his ripped-up blue jeans.

The man from California. The man who'd been in my dreams for months.

The man who'd tried to kill me.

"What do you want?" I asked, keeping my voice quiet so Hannah wouldn't hear the fear laced in my words. I did not doubt that if I acted in a way that upset him, this man would have no problem killing any one of us.

"Now, is that any way to greet an old friend?"

He was playing with me. This was a game to him. Now that I knew about the Cullens, it was easy to tell this man wasn't human. The red eyes, the newspaper I'd read the day after, everything he'd said that night…this man was a vampire, and something told me he didn't feed on animal blood. For some reason, he was intent on tasting mine. I looked around, as though Jasper or his family might magically appear and save me from this man. They didn't, though, and I was alone.

"You're not my friend," I spat, voice shaking as much as my hands were. How had he found me here? Would he hurt Laurie or Hannah?

The man—James, he'd called himself James in my dreams—let out a few 'tsk' sounds with his tongue, shaking his head like he was disappointed in me. "Of course we're friends, Valerie, we've been playing a game together for a long time."

Oh God, he knew my name. What else did he know about me? How long had he been here watching me without me knowing?

"I don't want to play your fucking game," I hissed, quickly scanning the area for anywhere I could run. It was too open though, with too many people around who could get hurt. Laurie and Hannah were both too far from me in opposite directions, I couldn't protect them both. I was stuck.

"Now, now, bunny rabbit, calm down. We wouldn't want anyone to think something's wrong, now would we?" James threatened, though that smug smile never left his face. "Hm?"

"Right," I forced out around the lump of panic in my throat. Then, quieter, "What do you want from me?"

"I want to finish our game without your little protector getting in the way this time," James said. The sickness only grew, building into a giant wave that threatened to knock me over if not for the chill that ran down my spine that kept me standing straight. "I want you to put a pretty little smile on your face and do everything I tell you to do. If not, then maybe I'll take it out on the little one over there. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I said, voice quiet.

"Uh uh, where's that smile I was promised?" This sick fuck.

It burned forcing the weakest of smiles on my face, but I did it if only to protect Laurie. "Yes, I understand," I repeated, making sure he knew I wouldn't dare put my niece at risk. I would do anything he wanted, even if it meant laying down and accepting my fate if it meant she would be okay. Will and Becca had done too much for me to risk their daughter.

"Then here's the rules of our game. You will not run away, you will not send your protector out to kill me. If you want to get away from me, you'll have to do it using your own smarts," James explained, reaching up to tap his finger against his temple. "Now go, but don't let your friend or the child know anything is wrong."

There was no getting out of this. How could I take on a vampire myself and ever hope to make it out alive? How could this be happening to me? "Can I go be with him?" My voice was practically a whisper at this point as I fought back the tears blurring my vision and the sobs making their way up my chest and throat. How could I ever pretend everything was okay?

"Aww, of course, bunny rabbit. You can be with him as much as you want, just make sure to keep him in line." I flinched as James reached forward to wipe a stray tear from my cheek, though he only laughed at the reaction. "Oh, you're going to be very fun for me. Any questions about the rules?"

I couldn't think. There had to be a loophole, any way to get me out of this situation alive, but I couldn't fucking think of anything beyond the sheer panic taking over my brain. All I had was one question, one stupid, useless question that I doubted he'd even answer.

"Why me?"

James laughed. It was loud, his head tipped back with the sound, and loud enough that it caught the attention of Hannah. She was beginning to set down her sketchpad, she'd be over here soon.

He seemed to realize this too, for he grew more serious and said, "Because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, sweetheart. You got away, and we can't let that happen again."

This man was going to kill me, and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Let the games begin, bunny rabbit."

"Hey, Val! Who is that?" Hannah asked as she jogged over to greet me. "Woah, hey, what's wrong?"

Don't let them know anything is wrong. Their lives are on the line.

"They're not sad tears," I was quick to say, wiping harshly at my eyes to make them stop. "That's someone from back home, my Mom's old friend. I had no idea I'd see him again." It stung to ever associate this man with Mom, but what choice did I have?

"Oh shit, really? Why's he walking away then?" Hannah hugged me, then pulled back to look at me and make sure I was really okay. It took everything in me not to crumble then. Every ounce of strength left was forced into keeping myself upright and composed, if only until I could call Jasper.

"We're gonna talk more later, he just wanted to say hi." More lies. When would the lies ever stop? "Can we go home now?"

"Yeah, of course, Val. Hey, Laurie! Come on in, it's time to get back."

Laurie groaned at the thought of cutting playground time early, but I didn't have it in me to argue with her. In fact, most of the drive home was silent. It was like I was on auto-pilot, being driven only by the instructions James had given me. I promised Hannah I would text her, made sure Laurie got inside to Becca safely, and only then did I sit on the front step and pull out my phone.

Jasper answered on the second ring. We don't call each other, not when he could get to the house as quickly as he could. He'd know this was important. "Valerie? Are you okay?"

His voice very nearly made me crumble apart. Even then, I couldn't stop the sob that slipped from me as he spoke.

"No, I'm not okay. Here's here, Jasper, he's here in Forks."

"Who's here?" he asked. There was noise on the other line, and I could imagine it was him standing and gathering anything he needed to get over here. When I didn't answer, he repeated it. "Who's here, Valerie?"

"That man from the alley in California," I said, the truth causing the tears to fall unbidden from my eyes again. There was no stopping the flood of them now, not when I'd finally told him the reason why the icy chill hadn't eased from my chest.

"He found me, and he wants to kill me."

I'm sorry! But hey, as you may have guessed, we're getting into the thick of it now. Next chapter should be up fairly soon, as most of it is already written. I also wanted to say thank you. I know it took years to update before, and it means a lot to me that so many of you are still here reading and supporting this story. It was your reviews that got me the motivation to come back to this story, so I love reading them all. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one!

Phoenix-Rising29: ahh hello friend! Thanks for sticking around for so long, it means so much. That's so good to hear it feels organic, as I definitely struggled trying to get the family's voices right in the last chapter. They'll certainly be around more now, so it's good to hear they seem to make sense in this story. Again, thank you thank you thank you 3

zaneri0t: Thank YOU for sticking around and for taking the time to leave a comment! It means so much