Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons or a cat.

"I bear your pardon?" Lupin asked, unaware of his slip of the tongue. "I mean, I fish- oh, never mind. What just happened?"
"Bears are fish." Harry said.
"Bears are fish." Hermione confirmed.
"Bears are fish." Draco agreed.
"Bears are fish." Marc nodded.
"Bears are fish." Ginny added.
"Meow." Floppa meowed.
"An astute observation, my feline compatriot." Marc backed up Floppa's argument.
"The dementor-" Lupin began.
"Is not a fish." Marc shook his head. "Here, Floppa, have a shrimp – it will make you feel better."
Floppa ate the shrimp, flopping his ears happily like it was a lifeberry after another successful combat encounter.
"Dementors are… they cannot be killed!" Lupin exclaimed.
"Well, what was that then?" Harry asked. "A redditor?"
"It came to downvote us for being too based and morbing all over Zariel." Marc laughed.
"Real." Ginny nodded.
"Never mind what it was, I'll see if there are any more on this train." Harry said.
And just like that, he was gone, racing through the train with his wand out.
"Is he always like this?" Lupin asked, pulling out some chocolate.
"We all are." Ginny shrugged. "It's called being based."

They heard the sounds of screaming somewhere further away on the train. Blasts rang out like gunshots and the long steady roar of a flamethrower. The remaining dementors on the train found the wrath of Harry's spells rather unfishable and were quickly default killed. He returned to his compartment carrying a bunch of neatly folded dementor cloaks.
"I'm back." he announced. "Brought you guys some loot."
"Thanks." Ginny said.
They rode in relative silence for the rest of the journey, each of them reading a different D book. Floppa was very interested in the Fabulous Cats web supplement for 3.5e and kept looking at the pictures on Harry's phone. At last, the train arrived at Hogsmeade Station and they all disembarked.
"I can't fish the fact we can't get Apparition permits yet." Marc complained.

They got into one of the silly carriages pulled by thestrals. All the students could see the silly horse-things now, thanks to the machinations of the Four Against Madness (and Ginny, of course). Turns out that getting Lockhart to blow his own brains out during the end-of-year feast granted buffs, even if he was secretly already an Inferius at the time.
"They are so incredible." Luna Lovegood declared, somehow having gone unnoticed for the first half of the journey. "I appreciate the fact that everyone can see them now."
"Oh, hi." Harry said. "How was your summer?"
"Very ordinary." she shrugged. "I tried catching a nargle with a fishing rod but it didn't work. How about you? Did you do anything cool this summer?"
Harry waited a moment before answering, checking his phone and looking out of the carriage again and again, waiting until they had the best possible view of the Forbidden Forest (and specifically, the direction of Aragog's lair).
"I bought a friend some drinks." he said. "They should be arriving... now."
The already clouded skies darkened and the flapping of thousands of pairs of wings could be heard as a legion of owls descended from the skies bearing giant crates of Monster energy drink, each the size of a small house. There were at least forty such containers, and each was dropped somewhere in the forest. The birds then took to the skies once more, leaving the woods behind as the sound of a horde of galloping spooders spoodered closer to the location of their beverages.
"That was very spood of you, Harry." Hermione nodded.

At long last, they arrived in the Great Hall. There were no particularly important people (to them, at least) waiting to be sorted this year. Still, the more Slytherins they got the better (unless they were stupid).
"Sturgeon's Law does apply to kids too." Hermione pointed out. "Most of them will leave Hogwarts with a degree only to work an ultimately meaningless job for a Ministry of Magic that actively destroys the wizarding world by putting increasingly tighter regulations on Dark Arts and uses its influence on Hogwarts to create more building blocks for the unambitious, rotting carcass of a society we have been doomed to live in."
"You will never convince me that having Binns of all people teaching a subject as important as History of Magic is anything more than a money laundering operation." Draco nodded.
"Myowwas, what if I funded an objective biography of Lord Voldemort under the alias of Lord Bearfisher?" Harry suggested.
"They'd send dementors to your house and call it an accident, Boy Who Lived or not." Ginny told him. "Besides, most people won't believe something is true until they've read it in the Daily Prophet."
"Your girlfriend has a point." Draco said, drawing an unamused glare from Harry.
It was at that point that Dumbledore decided it was time to begin the actual Sorting. And so the incredibly bored Sorting Hat began to sing yet again, as it had done for centuries and would no doubt continue to.

You surely heard what's on the news
Some people ran away from prison
Remember, young ones, don't drink booze
And no the merfolk don't like fishin'

Anyhow, get spooked and all
Two years ago we had some trolls
I'll tell ya 'bout the Houses now
Yell louder than Granger's cat can meow

First of all there's Gryffindor
Pick this if you wanna eat a door
They're into courage and heroics
And they make really shitty poets

Then there's also Ravenclaw
They love books but they're kinda slow
To get inside you must love riddles, and that is kind of cool
But they didn't get the coolest riddle in this shitty school

The Slytherins are next, a pureblood gamer's den
They're really into RPGs and brought more cats again
They're really ambitious and highly skilled
Also they have Harry Potter if you care

And Hufflepuff, imma be real
Forgor what I even had to say
They're friendly, loyal, something else
Now let's move on, okay

You take this hat and put it on
I yell a funny word
And that's the house you're in for years
It really ain't absurd

15% of the students in the new first year got sorted into Slytherin. When the last student was assigned to a House, the headmaster delivered a few warnings from the Ministry.
"Due to the escape of two highly dangerous fugitives from Azkaban, Hogwarts will be hosting the dementors of Azkaban. I must warn you – these are dangerous creatures. They will not attack unless provoked… so do not provoke them."
After the welcoming feast, which ended as usual with Floppa eating a small fortune of shrimp, they headed down to the Slytherin dorms. They were as underground and cold as ever. Snape gave his usual introductory speech to the newbies while the Four Against Madness, along with Ginny, disappeared to pick the best dorm rooms again – because Slytherin was awesome and gave each student a separate room.

Half an hour later, Snape stopped by their dorms again.
"How fortunate that the four of you are gathered here already." he said dryly. "I will be brief – you chose to take every single elective, correct?"
"Affirmative." Harry nodded, with his friends doing the same.
"I assume you took them to be able to take OWLs and NEWTs in them?" he asked.
They all nodded again.
"Professor McGonagall suggested actually giving you Time-Turners." Snape snorted. "My suggestion is as follows – we all know you'll pass everything. Just attend whatever you want each day and sit all the exams."
"Sounds sane." Hermione agreed.
"I suppose I don't need to tell you that you should be worried about Black and Lestrange being on the loose?" the professor added.
"Of course not, fear is an ex-feeling to me." Harry nodded.
"I have no further questions." Snape nodded. "However… do remember that dying is forbidden."
"Noted." Marc replied. "Not like anyone was planning that."
"Very well." the Nosferatu lookalike seemed satisfied. "Do you have your Hogsmeade permission slips?"
Harry handed in the most obviously forged note ever, while his friends gave ones with real signatures.

Care of Magical Creatures
One of their first classes was Care of Magical Creatures with Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid brought some weird creature, which turned out to be a hippogriff. It was a majestic being, with a horselike body and a bird's beak and wings. Not as majestic, however, as His Royal Floppiness Big Floppa the Minus First.
"This here is Buckbeak." Hagrid introduced the hippogriff. "He's friendly, but you don't want to mess with him. Say hello, Buckbeak."
Buckbeak made hippogriff noises.
"All right, I need a volunteer." Hagrid continued.
Harry wondered whether to volunteer or not. However, while he was thinking Big Floppa stepped forward.
"Meow." he meowed confidently.
Buckbeak looked at him with interest.
"Meow meow meow." he flopped his meows like a meowchine gun.
Buckbeak felt rather intimidated and started screeching before charging at Floppa. The mighty feline effortlessly dodged the great creature's attacks, moving at the speed of flop to outflank his opponent. The hippogriff turned to pursue him, but Floppa was no longer there. Out of nowhere, the elite caracal slammed his kitty paws into the creature's face, knocking Buckbeak unconscious.
"May I eat the chicken?" he asked politely in Floppese.
"Not yet." Harry replied.
"A pity." he flopped with disappointment.

Divination
The Divination classroom was pretty comfortable and felt like a perfect place to go to sleep. However, they weren't eepy enough for that. They took their seats, waiting for Professor Trelawney – who was apparently sleeping – to actually teach them. Eventually, she woke up.
"One of you will die before the end of the year." she spoke in a fake ominous voice.
"First one to die is a redditor." Hermione laughed.
"Many of you have gathered here… but few of you have the gift of divination." she went on. "Today we will be looking at tea leaves to see your future."
Harry proceeded to wandlessly arrange his tea leaves in the highly specific manner that implied he would find fifty billion Galleons at the bottom of a fish tank somewhere on the moon after nine thousand kittens meowed at the sun, after which he would become invincible for bear hours, lion minutes and tarantula seconds.
"Amazing." Trelawney said, then proceeded to interpret it as him being doomed to die a violent death.

Defense Against the Dark Arts
The first based thing they noticed was that their professor was, predictably, not the ex-undead remains of Gilderoy Lockhart. Instead, it was none other than Remus Lupin, an obvious fact since the Four Against Madness literally met him on the train.
"Remus… Lupin." Harry wondered aloud. "Myowwas, I'm gonna say this NPC is probably a werewolf."
"Agreed." Hermione nodded. "It's as obvious as Mordenkainen being Kas in Eve of Ruin."
"I cannot fish the existence of that module." Draco sighed.
They wallowed in misery for a while, then Lupin finally arrived to open the classroom door. Peeves tried to be annoying (not unusual for a poltergeist), but they ignored him.
"I see you've done… very little actual work last year." the professor observed, reading his notes again. "What happened there?"
"Lockhart was a fraud." Marc explained. "He admitted to being a waste of space and killed himself."
"That's… a bit rude." Lupin commented.
"Not rude enough." Harry muttered under his breath.
"Anyhow… today's subject will be boggarts." Lupin announced. "Can someone tell me what a boggart is?"
Harry's mind instantly accelerated. Patterns connected in his mind, pieces of 5e tech mixed with real-life analogies… and suddenly he knew.
"Oh, you are fishing me." he said. "Tech alert, myowwas."
"Affirmative." Marc nodded.
"I see." Hermione acknowledged.
"Oh, shit." Draco agreed.
"Meow." Floppa meowed.
"Anyone?" Lupin asked.
Harry raised his hand. "Well, sir… it's a monster that assumes whatever form it believes will make the viewer shit himself in fear."
"Um… I accept this answer." Lupin nodded. "Any ideas how to stop one?"
"Nuclear bombs?" Marc suggested.
"A longbow?" Hermione asked.
"Another boggart?" Draco shrugged.
"Nothing like that." Lupin shook his head. "There's a spell. The incantation is Riddikulus. You see, it makes the boggart turn into something amusing. And what beats a boggart is laughter."

Harry instantly thought of fifty better ways to deal with a boggart… but whatever. It was a pitiful exercise.
Hermione stood at the front of the line now, wand aimed at the trunk within which the boggart was concealed. The trunk opened, and out fell a 5.5e PHB.
"Riddikulus!" she cast, and the book turned into a manul.
Draco was next. His boggart took the form of his father being very disappointed in him.
"Riddikulus!" he cast, and the boggart turned into a bear that started making fish noises.
Marc started panicking. His biggest fear was a world without floppas. But what would happen if the boggart turned into a planet? He felt like this was a very bad idea. Thankfully, Harry was in front of him.
"That's enough." Lupin said, clearly not wanting Harry to go next. Presumably he thought Harry's boggart would be Voldemort or something. However, Harry was having none of it. He stepped forward, channeling power from the Horcrux in his scar. He grabbed the trunk and opened it in one swift movement, staring into it with scarlet eyes – thankfully, the change was concealed by the angle at which his head was turned.
The trunk was empty. There was no boggart. There was nothing.

"Myowwa, where's the boggart." Harry muttered with disappointment. "WHERE IS MY FUCKING BOGGART?!"
"Five points from Slytherin for the language, Harry." Lupin chastised him. "But… I admit I have no clue."
"I fish you not, this is a scam." Harry sighed. "Okay, so I can't stay too close to boggarts or they just cease to exist. Or maybe they don't exist. Or fear is a scam made up by Big Strahd to sell more undead warlocks, in which case I will gladly perpetuate the scam for one galleon a day."
"Does Big Strahd imply the existence of Small Strahd?" Hermione asked.
"Yes." Marc nodded. "That would be his statblock in Vecna: Eve of Ruin."
"That module is utterly retarded." Draco added.
"Let's play it." Harry said.
"Fine. All encounters are multiplied by (1 chapter number)." Draco agreed.
"Bears are fish." Harry grinned like a grinning version of himself, which he currently was.
"This weekend, then." Hermione suggested. Everyone nodded.
"I never quite got into D&D." Lupin commented. "Though a few of the Slytherins around my age were pretty good at it, apparently. Tried it once with some other Gryffindors, including your parents."
"What did my dad play?" Harry inquired.
"Apparently it was one of the best builds at the table. Some kind of Moon Druid 2/Bear Totem Barbarian 5. Half-orc, if memory serves. Some kind of devotee of Mystra who wanted to ensure that Karsus's Folly never happens again."
"And my mom?" he asked.
"Straightclassed cleric of Mystra." Lupin replied. "Took Booming Blade as her bonus wizard cantrip."
Seeing that her friend was looking a bit nauseous, Hermione decided to try and find the silver lining.
"You know, making backstories that actually fit into the world and interact with elements of it is still top-tier for a 5e player." she reminded him.
"True." Harry replied.

Slytherin Common Room

The group gathered in Harry's dormitory. The Four Against Madness were present, as was Ginny, not to mention the highly floppy cats. They gathered around a conjured table, upon which there lay a small black book. The Diary.

"We're not playing Negative Fifth Edition yet." Harry told them. "This is our ritual of suffering."
"It's like blood sacrifice, but worse." Hermione nodded. "But hey, we start at level 10."
"All encounters in this chapter are doubled." Draco declared. "It will be trivial."
"I cannot fish this shit." Marc said. "Let's do it."
Harry opened the diary. A white light pulled them all in…

"We meet again, my apprentice." Tom Riddle smiled. "And you've brought the other gigachad optimizers. Good. Everything is based. I shall order a pizza, it will arrive after you clear the first dungeon. Make your characters."
"Okay, you know everything, guys." Harry said. "Party roles checklist. Who's bringing EBARB?"
He raised his hand, as did Ginny and Draco.
"Great. Aid?"
Draco raised his hand.
"HexDSS?"
Draco nodded.
"Spoodlendid." he commented. "Who's bringing chwingas?"
Marc and Hermione raised their hands.
"PeaceChron and…?" he asked.
"Mark of Hospitality LifeChron." Marc said.
"Aight, that's lifeberry on our list." he smiled. "Death ward botting is my job. Which warlock, Ginny?"
"I was thinking Fiend?" she suggested.
"Nah, we're level 10 and all warlocks have a psychic fireball in one level. Perhaps Fathomless for more sleet or Genie?"
"Dao, sure." she nodded.
"What items are we buying?" he asked the group.
"By the way, your Inheritor backgrounds can give you an uncommon at best." Riddle informed them. "I assume you're all going Investigator background with the feature swapped to Inheritor for free money."
"Okay, sure." Harry (Divine Soul 1/Twilight 1/Undead 8) said. "I'm going with double wand of magic missiles, half plate and shield."
"I'm bringing a deck of wonder and +1 arcane grimoire." Hermione (Peace 1/Chronurgy 9) said.
"I'm bringing a wand of magic missiles and +1 shield." Marc (Life 1/Chronurgy 9) said.
"+1 bloodwell vial and +1 shield." Ginny (Divine Soul 1/Peace 1/Dao 8) declared.
"+1 bloodwell vial and +1 shield too." Draco (Divine Soul 7/Hexblade 3) nodded.

Session Begins
"You have been summoned by Lord Neverember. Apparently some fools have been kidnapping people and the trail goes cold in Neverdeath Graveyard." Riddle said. "Only three people have gone missing."
"Three people?" Harry wondered. "Sounds like a fledgling cult."
"Aight, let's go there."
The heroes travel to the catacombs. Their current planar bindings are 8 chwingas, a dybbuk and nothing else because they are still poor.
"Okay, this is a spooky dungeon." Harry observed. "Let's go in."

ENCOUNTER 1 – 10 wights. The PCs win initiative due to having huge bonuses. They fire six beams of EB and two rays of frost. There are 9 wights remaining, one of them bloodied. The PCs end their turns dropping prone further away than the wights' speed. The wights fire at them, so they decide to take the L and take the damage. One attack hits, dealing six damage.

"This would have dealt 52 damage to a melee martial." Riddle grinned. "Congratulations."

They continue this brief war of attrition until the wights are dead, which takes less than a minute. When the wights try to fall back, Ginny just says no by casting spike growth to block their exit.

"Lmao." Harry commented.

ENCOUNTER 2 - Two water elementals and four water weirds live in the 25-foot-deep fountain. These creatures are indifferent toward intruders and attack only in self-defense. Once bound to serve the Waterclock Guild, they're now free but enjoy the perpetual "rain" here. The cult bullies these Elementals, so they remain sulking under the water's surface. Determined not to stand for further intrusion, the Elementals rise to attack anyone other than cultists. The water weirds consider the water elementals their leaders. If reduced to fewer than 50 hit points, a water elemental retreats to the basin's bottom with any surviving water weirds.

"You take 2d6 points of plot hole damage that you cure with your lifeberry supply and default kill." Riddle said. "Proceed."

ENCOUNTER 3 – 2 mages and 8 cult fanatics. Two PCs cast fireball. It's a fireball-sized room.

ENCOUNTER 4 – 4 mages. Encounter cleared with surprise overwhelming (cantrip) force.

ENCOUNTER 5 – 8 cult fanatics and 4 ghouls. Surprised, fanatics cleared with one fireball cantrip cleanup, ghouls trivial.

ENCOUNTER 6 – 4 barlguras. Default killed.

ENCOUNTER 7 – Jerot Galgin and his identical twin.

"I cast twinned Suggestion." Draco declared. "Listen up, morons, new orders from Vecna. You're supposed to actually use the nothics to steal secrets instead of the whole human sacrifice bullshit. Now show me your silly ritual."

Jerot 1 and Jerot 2 proceed to fail their save, one succeeded but Silvery Barbs is real.

"Okay." Riddle nodded. "He leads you to the ritual chamber."
"Quit chanting, retards!" Harry called out.
"Jerot orders them to stop and something stupid happens. You see a non-interactive cutscene of Vecna, get the link, welcome to the Shadowfell."
"We show the shitty ghouls our Being In Evernight permits." Marc announced.
"Naturally." Riddle nodded. "Very well, they let you pass."
After a brief chat with some vampire lady who had more HP than this module's version of Strahd, they went to the next dungeon.
"Locate object." Marc said. "Tombs belonging to the Dolindar family."
They proceed to dimension door into the portal back home.
"Okay, pizza's here." Riddle declared.
"How do you order pizza in an extradimensional space of pure thought?" Marc asked.
"I order it from Poland." Riddle shrugged.
"Zajebiście." Marc grinned.