Chapter 15

James' 'punishment' was over, and he was back on a mission with his team, and I could not wait to be reunited again.

I was in the hospital, looking through some charts, when I heard one of the nurses saying that the team has come back. As usual, we went out to help with the injured. I was looking around and saw all his teammates. Except him. I took a few steps ahead. Maybe the shitty lighting finally gave me bad eyesight. But deep inside I started to panic, and my heart was slowly sinking. No, I said to myself. There is no way. He always comes back. He has to come back! Then I saw the sad looks on all his teammates and LT Waters came up to me.

- Araminta….

- Where is he? – for a second, he didn't say anything. Okay this is the moment when he opens his mouth and tells me that he had to stay back, I thought. But he said nothing.

- Why is he not back? – I could not help but notice the panic in my voice. I could sense Eve coming up to me.

- He is not coming back.

- What do you mean? I don't understand what you are saying. What do you mean he is not coming back? – my voice was sounding more and more hysterical, and I felt Eve's hand on my shoulder, but I shook it off.

- Red was shot. He is not coming back – for a second, I said nothing.

- No, no, no – I started screaming hysterically and tears were dropping down my cheeks as I was hitting LT's chest with my fists, and he was gently holding on to my wrist. Suddenly my knees went weak and if he was not holding me, I would have fallen on the ground. LT and Eve helped me to stabilize myself and Eve guided me back to the staff accommodation. I was crying and shaking. She was going towards my room.

- No, I can't go in there – I said full of panic. I had so many memories of me and James there that I could just not face.

- Sure, no problem darling – she walked me to her room, and I collapsed on the floor. I was crying so hard that I was basically howling. I knew deep inside that I was having a nervous breakdown, but I could not hold it in. It felt like hours until a calmed down somewhat and I realized that Eve was hugging me the whole time. She helped me onto the bed and just when I sat down, Lena came in.

- How are you darling – she asked me with a sad smile. I was not able to say anything, just shook my head and tears started to drop on my cheeks again. She came closer and kneeled down next to me. She handed me a paper cup with a white tablet inside.

- It's some diazepam, it will help you to calm...-before she could finish, I grabbed the medication put and swallowed the pill. She was still in my room and was taking turns with Eve to hug me when Lake and Doc came through the door.

- What happened? I need to know what happened to him – I stood up straight away. For a second, they looked at each other and then Doc started to speak:

- He was in the 'kill zone' to lay down a claymore. On his way back, we saw him getting shot and falling. We were waiting for him to emerge from the tall grass but... – he looked down on the floor and I saw the same sadness that I felt, reflected in his eyes.

- The birds were taking heavy fire, so we needed to retreat and bring back the injured, but we are going out to search for his body and bring him back – when Lake said the word 'body' I almost vomited. He is not coming back, only his body is coming back and I wanted to scream my lungs out.

- We are leaving in 10 minutes – he continued – but we just wanted you to have this – he handed me a small envelop that had my name written on it and I instantly recognised James' handwriting.

- It was in his personal belongings. It's his 'last letter' to you. We write them for loved ones, in case something happens – Doc explained and gave my hand a squeeze. They both hugged me and left. I was staring at the letter for a good minute and put it down on the table.

- Are you not going to read it – Eve asked me.

- I can't. Not right now – I replied in a shaky voice. I sat back on the bed and stared blankly at the floor. I was still in shock and disbelief.

- I need to go back to the hospital, but I will come and see you later – Lena said, and I could feel her hand on my shoulder, but I didn't look up.

- I will go with you to get some food. I will be back in bit – Eve told me, and I slightly nodded my head. After both of them left, I stood up and went to the table where I felt the letter. I picked it up with shaking hands and my chest felt so tight that I could barely breath. I wanted to read it, but I was terrified. Will I be able to handle reading his last words to me? But I knew I had to. James left it for me because he wanted me to read it, so I had to be strong. I opened it with quivering lips and even seeking his handwriting started to make me cry.

"Araminta, my love,

I never wanted you to read this letter but if you are, it means I am dead. I want you to know that I died doing what I love, and I would not change that. My only regret is that I could not spend more time with you. I never imagined falling in love with someone so hard and quick. I never admitted this to you because I thought it was corny, but I was already picturing our life together. Yet here I am writing this letter in case the worst happens. I know you are probably having a hard time now, but I don't want you to grieve me for long. I want you to move on, live your life and fall in love again. I want you to get married, live in a nice house and have children. But above all else, I want you to be happy. The only thing that makes me sad is that I will not going to be the one giving you all of that.

I want you to know that I will always love you and no matter where you go or what happens, I will always be there with you.

James"

Although reading the letter was one of the most painful experiences of my life, I read it at least four times because it made me feel like he was with me. I almost heard his voice whispering each word to me. When Eve came back, I was sitting on the bed again, clutching the letter. She didn't ask me if I wanted to talk about it and I was grateful for that.

- Have some food – she said and put some rice dish down next to me. I just made a disgusted face.

- Are there any updates about...

- They have informed his family and are making an inventory of his personal items to be sent back to the states. The team is still out searching for him – I nodded my head and started sobbing again. This was the first time I thought about what his poor family must be going through.

- Do you want to talk to your aunty maybe?

- No, not right now.

- Minty...listen, don't be upset but I think we should go back home – I could see she was worried and thought that I might put up a fight, so she looked surprised when I nodded my head.

- You are right. I think I will lose the little sanity I have left if I stay here. I need to go somewhere where I have no memories of him.

- They are shipping his belongings the day after tomorrow. I already checked and we can go back with that plane.

- Sounds good – I said with a sad smile. Later that evening, after having an argument with Eve over who is going to be sleeping on the floor, I was laying in her bed, wide awake after finishing crying into my pillow. I thought I knew what grief was when I lost my father. However, as I had to realize, I was only 5 years old, and I did not start properly grieving until I was older and more able to comprehend what I lost. This time grief weighed heavy on my chest and shoulders. I knew exactly what I lost, and I felt it with full force. I lost the only man that I ever loved, that ever mattered. He said he wanted me to fall in love again, but I knew I would never be able to love someone like him again, if ever at all. I just wanted him; he was my person, my protector, my confidant, my lover, my friend and advisor. He was the love of my life.

I did not sleep the whole night, and I knew I must have looked awful but could not give a shit. Eve went down to the canteen to bring some breakfast that I knew I was not going to eat. As I was trying to gather my strength to take a shower, she said it would make me feel better which I highly doubted, Eve burst through the door with so much force that made me jump.

- He is back – she shouted.

- Eve, I don't think I can see his body.

- No, you don't understand. They brought him back alive!

- What...what do you mean...

- He was shot but he is alive Minty! James is alive! – my brain was finally able to process what she was saying, and I started sprinting towards the hospital.

- Where is he? – I almost screamed when I flung the hospital doors open with so much force that they bounced back from the wall. I saw his whole team was there.

- He is in surgery with Lena and Doc – Lake came up to me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

- Okay, okay... that's good. How was he? Was it bad?

- He was shot in the left shoulder. He is one lucky bastard. A few centimetres lower and that bullet would have hit his artery – I just kept nodding my head while he was talking. I sat down between Zee and Lake and finally Eve caught up with me as well.

- There is no air in here – I said after a while when the waiting and silence became too much.

- Let's go out – Eve suggested, and I followed her.

- God what is taking so long? – I said while walking up and down in front of the hospital with a cigarette between my fingers. A few minutes later, Zee joined us, and I sat down next to him.

- What if he doesn't make it? I just got him back. I cannot lose him again - he put his arm around my shoulder.

- I know the thought of you kept him alive. James is strong, he is going to make it – we spent a while outside, me chain smoking and them trying to distract me when suddenly Karen came out.

- Are they done? Is he okay?

- They are still going to be in for a while. Minty why don't you go and freshen up love?

- Nope – I said. Then I realized that I was still wearing my pyjamas and that I haven't combed my hair.

- Okay fine – I agreed, and Eve came back with me. I showered, washed my hair, and put on some black tracksuit bottoms and a black tank top. Yes, I love tank tops. When I got back the others were drinking coffee and some of them were eating some military produced cereal bar looking things. Lake gave me a coffee and food as well. I had the coffee but could not look at the food. Finally, Doc came out. I almost hiccupped because I inhaled so sharply.

- He is out of surgery. We removed the bullet without any problem, and it didn't cause much internal damage. The biggest worry is the infection of the wound and the risk of sepsis. We are also giving him blood transfusion due to the significant loss in blood volume – the only thing I really heard from everything he said was that James was alive and he was out of surgery. I ran up to him and Lena crying and hugged them.

- Thank you – I whispered. I heard the others cheering and clapping each other on the back. I followed Lena to the recovery section while the others said they would give us some privacy and come back later. He was lying there peacefully, still unconscious. His chest and left shoulder were bandaged up and he had two IV drips and a bag of blood. As I found out from Lena, he had to stuff a piece of his uniform and some dirt in his wound to stop it from bleeding, hence the infection and IV antibiotics. When Lena left us alone, I pulled up a chair, probably the most uncomfortable one I have ever sat on, and stayed beside him. Eve brought me more coffee and a book which I started to read but had to go through sentences several times because I could not pay attention. After an hour or so, I heard quite movements from James' bed. I looked up and saw him slightly moving his fingers. Then he slowly opened his eyes.

- Oh my god – I whispered.

- Minty? – his voice was raspy. He turned his head slightly towards me.

- Shhh. I am here. How are you feeling? – I mean it was a stupid question really. I sat on the side of his bed and held his hand.

- Been better – He tried to sit up slightly, but I gently pushed him back.

- The bullet went through without hitting bone, but you should not move - I had so many questions and I wanted to say so many things at the same time.

- I thought you were dead. I thought I lost you –was all that came out of my mouth before I started crying again. He took his hand from mine and wiped my tears.

- Shhh it's okay. I promised I will always come back to you - I cry laughed and kissed his palm.

- I love you so much – I said sobbing.

- I love you more – he whispered and pulled my head down to kissed me.