AN: I've been struggling with concentration a lot. Will return again when I can get my words flowing.
Chapter 21
Rory's car rolled to a stop in front of Liz's place. The image of the colorful house, so embedded with Liz's personality, was a little hard to shake, and somehow calling it Jess' place didn't quite seem right. This was certainly the last place she'd ever imagined Jess living in, beyond occasionally spending a night on his mother's couch. The fact that tinkling notes sent by wind chimes into the breeze, and the porch dotted with plants in mismatched pots weren't exactly Jess' style was the understatement of the century. A large, hand-painted sign was propped up near the door - "Let mirth and virtue alone grace this space" - Rory mumbled, reading it out loud. It caused Rory to raise her eyebrows for a second, but she couldn't say that she was surprised. The fact that she was here, wasn't all down to Jess though - she could picture too clearly how off he was feeling in this place and in his new role, having to take care of his half-sister out of the blue like this. In part this was about her, too. She was in an oddly similar position in life - trying to find herself again.
She'd barely knocked when the door swung open, and a small girl with strawberry-blonde, slightly messy pony-tail, and a curious expression peered up at her. The girl held a magic marker in one hand and a small, glittery rock in the other, an odd marker stroke left accidentally on her chin as an accent.
"Rory!?" the girl exclaimed, and went straight for hugging her, jolting Rory due to the unexpectedness of the crash of another body against hers. They'd never been close, even if seeing each-other had become an extended-family obligation at least once a year. Rory had been to the funeral too, but then she'd stayed well clear of the girl beyond the solemn obligatory condolences, not knowing what to really say to her.
"Oh, hi," Rory said, for a second getting distracted by the uncapped marker in her hand. It was the innocence of her as she pressed herself tightly against her that surprised her though. It was yet another realization how little she really knew about the genuineness of kids, she didn't even know how kids really 'felt', despite having babysat for Lane and Paris a bunch of times. But with their kids mostly it had always been about keeping an eye on them rather than actually handling them. Rory swallowed a small lump in her throat, not finding a rational explanation to her reasons for becoming emotional at something like this beyond feeling sorry for the girl for her unimaginable loss. "It's good to see you again," she managed, realizing the default question of 'how are you' would probably not be the best option. But to her surprise - the girl looked surprisingly resilient.
"Come! Jess said you'd be over. He'll be back soon," Doula said.
"Oh, I thought he was here. Did he go far?" Rory asked, having not anticipated being left alone with a 10-year-old. She continued to take off her coat and hang it on the coat rack by the entrance. "He said you'd be... well, not holding a rock. What's that for?" she quickly continued, realizing that she'd already got at least half of her answer, and needed to find something lighter to make small-talk about.
"Protection," Rosie answered gravely. Then, after a pause, added, "It's amethyst. Keeps bad energy away. Mostly."
"Good to know." Rory smiled, despite her skepticism, knowing it wasn't her place to start contradicting what the girl believed, as she stepped forward into the open living area that still had the remnants of the wall that used to separate the kitchen from the living room. This place also had TJ's construction skills written all over the place, and on a more positive note - signs of his actually decent carpentry skills. The place was infused by incense, even if it was likely none had been lit in weeks.
Rory barely had time to take it all in or make further small-talk with Doula, when Jess appeared through the back door, looking a little flustered, and cleared his throat upon his entrance.
"Rory, hi" he said, his voice hoarse that sounded cautious. "Thanks for coming," he added, rubbing his hand together to warm them up, and then ran one of them over his neck, while tucking the other in his pocket like he had done when he'd been nervous in the past.
"Well, I didn't want to miss out on seeing you settling in in Stars Hollow," she teased, gesturing towards the Zen-meets-boho decor. "Quite a step towards domesticity from your loft in Philly." Humor might've been considered impolite in some settings, this close to Liz and T.J-s death, but not between Jess and Rory. Humor, often dark, blunt and straight-faced, had always been an escape they'd shared.
"Don't remind me," Jess replied with a small sigh, glancing towards Doula who'd continued on to her own doings, so she would be more or less out of ear-shot before he said it. It was evident to Rory that it was quite a struggle for Jess to act like this wasn't, at least in part, forced upon him. "But it is what it is…" he added. And Rory did get it - he was doing this for his sister, having to put his own feelings on the back burner.
She nodded, understanding, and glanced back towards Doula, who'd taken a seat at her crafts table, clearly taking after her mother in her leisure preferences.
Jess scratched his stubble, glancing toward a pile of boxes by the fridge. "Well, I, we…, could use the help, that's for sure. These are from the upstairs closets alone. Mom hoarded a lot of crazy things….The hair growth products were just a fraction of it… And D here is more into collecting rocks and her martial arts than sorting through boxes," Jess exclaimed.
"Not rocks, Jess. Crystals," Doula corrected him from the other room.
"Yes, D! I hear you," Jess replied, rolling his eyes to Rory. "Plus, I'm trying to be discreet about giving or throwing away anything she might feel sentimental about. Right now I just need a little room for me… and just moving on. Especially in case we might not end up staying," Jess continued, now speaking in a whisper.
"Oh?" Rory reflected.
"Or we might. It's all just new and complicated… There are all these options in the air," Jess replied briefly for now, shrugging his shoulders and tucked his hands into his pockets once again.
"Well okay. Either way, I'm here to offer you my help. So - use me. But first, point me in the direction of the bathroom," Rory said, sounding a little too cutesy for her own liking.
Walking to the bathroom that Jess had pointed her towards, Rory wasn't quite sure why she was suddenly feeling more nervous now that she was already here. She generally felt quite relaxed around Jess, after all they'd gotten pretty used to being friendly around each-other over the years. Sometimes it was even easier to just pretend they were family, even if there was no blood relation to speak of. But now it just felt like their whole dynamic was different. They had a working relationship. And she was about to be a mom. Jess had just become a guardian to his sister, essentially becoming a dad overnight. But above that similarity - they both just needed a friend right now, they just both needed someone they didn't need to explain to how one functioned or what one's history was like, having enough to deal with in their lives to start looking for new friends. On top of that - coming from her recent attempt with Tucker, Rory really just wanted to keep things friendly. Not to lead him on to anything, or lead him to believe that was what she was after. But also - not to let her hormonal self be led to believe it was even an option.
They spent the afternoon going through dozens of boxes, drawer by drawer and several cabinets in the kitchen, Rory doing the sorting, while Jess took upon himself to do all the heavy lifting and climbing to access challenging locations. Rory just kept shifting her position - standing, sitting, in various positions, and talking through most of it, struggling to get truly comfortable. But she liked how this had made her feel truly useful.
Rory brushed her hands off on her jeans, squinting at the pile of stuff they'd pulled out of boxes over the last hour. The house had started to feel less like a New Age museum and more like an eclectic time capsule — one they'd accidentally cracked open in the search for something sensible among all the crystals and incense. But Rory couldn't deny that underneath it all, there was something essence of what she herself had grown up with. The place had a homey feel to it.
"It's beginning to take shape, isn't it?" Rory asked Jess who was filling in a bookshelf they'd half-emptied, herself carefully stacking a bundle of sage sticks and setting them to the side.
Martin blew out a sigh as he stepped down from a chair and began to rifle through another box, this one full of old photo albums. "Yeah, it's okay, I guess," he said.
"You've got some good place here to work? I mean, as your editor, I am supposed to make sure you get some work done, after all," she added, teasingly.
"I do, well - kind of," Jess said, leaving the photo albums as they were, and led Rory to an adjacent room that had been Liz and TJ's bedroom. The essence of the room was the same - Jess had just toned it down on the fabrics a little, the canopy bed now standing bare, and removed giant mirror from the make up table and dragged it all the way across the room to the window. The view was gorgeous. At least on first sight.
"You see..," he added, leading her eyes a handful of feet to the left.
"Let's just say I've met my quota of strange looks when I'm here, trying to think and write, and they're just trying to do their laundry. Besides, I feel like every time I run into someone, they want to give me a ten-minute lecture on the best way to raise D," he added, opening a much bigger topic.
"Well, now I'll at least know who's to blame if you start writing laundry references all of a sudden," Rory said, ignoring the latter topic. She just didn't know what to say to that. She would've been just as lost as he was, she was.
"Right?" He grinned, shaking his head. "It's like, 'Are you sure she's getting enough nutrients?', and oh, by the way, do you know what a snow shovel is?' Plus then there's the sketchy looks from a couple across the street who remember me from the time I took Babette's gnome."
"Oh, the place with the gnome lights, the Andersons…," Rory recalled, nodding smilingly, making the connection.
"Sometimes I just think I might just as well prove them right, so they stop eyeing me all suspiciously all the time," Jess added.
"Well, you always did stand out a bit around here," Rory teased, putting it nicely. She picked up a small carved wooden owl from the table and put it back down.
"Right?" Jess reflected, and picked up a box of his mother's jewelry from her dresser. "Hey, D!? Do you want to keep these in your room or would you rather I put them away for safe keeping?" Jessed called out to the other room, and brought the box over to Doula.
"Here's fine," Doula replied.
"But no magic marker or dumping them in slime, okay?" Jess said, sounding a tad unsure whether he needed to caution her against things like that.
"Fine!" Doula let out a disgruntled groan.
"You're welcome," Jess chimed, rolling his eyes, as if trying to teach the girl something but knew it to be pointless. Every now again the brother-sister dynamic shined through with the two of them, how in the end they were still up for disliking each-other and teasing each-other to some extent, despite having an unconditional connection as well.
"Hey, maybe you should write up all the parenting tips and write a book of them, then I could read it and actually figure out what the hell I am going to do. The other day I just realized that being pregnant is actually the easy part. I can't believe I hadn't figured it out until now. Like the minute she's born… I may not sleep a full night for… god.. For years! Can you imagine that!? I sure as hell can't. And I mean I know I'm not supposed to be complaining… I actually have time to prepare, not like you. And one way or another - I did choose this. Nobody's forcing me to do this. But sometimes I'm just thinking - was I crazy?!" Rory blabbered.
Jess chuckled, resuming the sorting. "If anything, it's admirable," Jess said, causing Rory to frown from surprise.
"Admirable? Like 'following in my mother's footsteps'?" Rory asked.
"Just, you know… taking the sourest lemon and making something resembling lemonade. And if you're asking me - you shouldn't worry so much. Sure it'll be hard, but if your mom could do it at 17, you can totally do it now," Jess encouraged.
"Thanks," Rory replied, looking down. She'd needed this - every single drop of courage from anyone was desperately needed.
"Does he know?" Jess suddenly asked.
"Does who…?" Rory began, realizing exactly what he was asking about, and glanced down at her belly.
Jess' eyes darted at her belly as well, confirming it for her.
"Uh-huh," Rory said, not loving this topic, especially with Jess.
"And he just chose not to be a part of this with you?" Jess added.
"It's just complicated for him. Either way we're not together, we were through before I even found out," Rory shared, fidgeting with a wooden candle holder between her fingers.
"That much I assumed..," Jess said. "I hope you don't mind me asking… I'm not prying, just… curious to understand the situation, I guess," Jess shrugged, continuing to casually tape up one of the boxes that would go to GoodWill.
"It's fine, it's just…," Rory said, wanting to be polite about it.
"I get it. Sore subject," Jess replied.
"Not a lot of people know this," Rory then decided to open up a little. "He's married. He wasn't when... But he is now. So while he might in theory to be apart of her life in some way, right now there's not much clarity in whether he actually will be able to. I told him to just give me some space until he figures things out. Plus he doesn't live in the States right now. Mostly I'm just holding my breath this doesn't turn into an ugly custody case if he changes his mind at some point. Not that I think I would, but I'm just nervous… because you never really know, do you?" Rory shared.
Jess lifted the corner of his mouth, his face stating both his surprise and his response - he really didn't know what it was like to be in her position.
"That was a lot. I'm sorry. I'm not sure what came over me," Rory apologized, studying Jess' face.
"My guess is there are not that many people you talk about this… hence the floodgates," Jess suggested.
Rory shrugged, apologetically.
"Are you over him?" Jess asked, sounding almost like he was regretting the question as he said it. "I just mean… I can imagine it being ten times as difficult if you're not," Jess replied.
Rory didn't want to delay this response, and mostly replied with her brain. "Yes, I mean, I just dated someone else recently. I actually thought it could be something, I almost got my hopes up," she added, shifting the topic away from Logan.
"Look at you - hitting the dating scene!" Jess exclaimed.
"Yeah, look at me," Rory turned the exclamation over to sound a lot less positive, hoping Jess would get the hint that the pregnancy was also the reason it hadn't worked out.
"Well, obviously the guy, whoever he was, was an idiot to pass you up," Jess encouraged.
"Yeah, it's good to think that. But you'd be surprised how quickly guys lose interest once they really get that there's a baby involved," Rory snorted.
Jess frowned, troubled by the thought. "That's...I mean, I get that it's a big deal, but still. It's pretty gutless," he added.
"Right?" She gave a half-hearted laugh, pushing back some of the old sting. Mostly she was just relieved right now to have pushed the topic of Logan further away. "It's not exactly a shining endorsement for modern romance."
"Well, he's still an idiot," Jess said simply, a note of protectiveness in his voice. "But you don't need anyone like that. You don't need anyone! You can do this!" he assured, stepping a little closer.
"Thanks," she replied softly, feeling an unexpected warmth in his words. "It's funny, though. I used to have this clear idea of how things would turn out. Now, it's like I'm making it up as I go along, and not just the scenarios but the rules too."
"Welcome to the club," Jess said, his expression softening as he looked at her. "I think...that's kind of where I am too. Trying to make it work, feeling like I'm pretending most of the time. And, well, failing more often than I'd like to admit."
"Sounds like you're doing your best. And that's not nothing," she met his gaze, her voice gentle.
"As we're sharing things…," Jess began, glancing over Rory's shoulder to make sure Doula wasn't overhearing it. "I'm kind of struggling to get over someone, too. This thing… sort of put us on pause. And I can't deny I'm pretty crushed over it," he admitted.
"Was it…what was her name? The woman I met when I was there?" Rory asked, not recalling her name.
"Yeah. Elodie. She's got kids," Jess replied.
"I remember," Rory reflected, mostly just holding back on not joking on the fact that Jess had truly transformed into a guy who could express his feelings. That was a big change. In a way this made Rory breathe easier too - it was much easier being friends with Jess when neither had any lingering 'what if's in their mind. And for once they truly seemed to be in that safe place.
"She understood why I had to be here, but I could tell it was hard for her," Jess added.
"I'm sorry," Rory replied compassionately.
"I think… I don't know. Maybe she would've come with me even, or I could just pick things up when I returned. But either way this would've meant uprooting at least one kid, which isn't good for any of them," Jess added.
"A lot of people would've put their own lives first," Rory replied, knowing that in Jess' childhood his mother always had.
"I might not know how to do all of this yet, but I do know how I don't want to do this," Jess explained.
"I figured your mom had something to do with it," Rory said.
"Yeah, and my dad, too," Jess added.
"You know, you never really got around to telling me much about him. Or what it was like in L.A.," Rory pondered, opening up a whole other topic for the two. They did have a lot of catching up to do… things to offer them safer topics to trot.