"Barba," Rafael answered his phone distractedly not looking at who was calling him.
"Hi Uncle Rafa," Noah greeted as Rafael broke into a grin,
"Noah Sweetheart. How are you? It's good to hear your voice."
"You too Uncle Rafa. I'm sorry I missed your call the other night. Mom made me have dinner with Elliot and his kids as she finished up work and later joined us. We didn't get home until late."
"All good honey. I got your text."
Rafael and Olivia had not spoken nor seen each other since that last night at Forlini's. There was a tiny part of him that was hopeful after she said that she missed him too, but nothing came of those four words. A couple of weeks after, he tried to reach out and the familiar void of a response remained. So he stopped.
Rafael's only contact with a Benson was Noah. When he left after Drew he remained ever present in Noah's life, even if it were over FaceTime during the time he lived out of New York. They had a standing one night a week FaceTime. When he was smaller, they used that time to read together. As Noah got older, it was homework. These days, in his early teens, he was a confidant. Now that Noah also had his own phone, their conversations/calls and basic communication was more frequent. No longer relying on the family iPad, Lucy or even Olivia to facilitate.
Rafael was grateful that despite the friendship that no longer existed between Olivia and himself, she never begrudged his presence in Noah's life. She didn't encourage it, more turned a blind eye to it, which stung as much as it would have had she just forbade them to see each other.
He and Noah have been pals since he came into Olivia's life. At the prime of their friendship where they were partners and best friends secured his title as Uncle Rafa, Noah's godfather. A role and connection Rafael had never taken for granted. He intentionally remained present in Noah's life and nurtured their relationship first and foremost.
Rafael attended Noah's performances, watched rehearsals, participated in is school fundraisers and on special occasions and requests, he and Noah were able to hang out over the weekend or after school facilitated by Lucy with Olivia's permission. Rafael learned to live with their new normal and chose to be grateful for what he still had with Noah knowing that he will eventually grow up and want to do other things aside from hang out with his Uncle Rafa.
"What are you doing tonight Uncle Rafa?" Noah asked.
"Just packing up Mami's things. I have been putting it off and today I decided to bite the bullet."
"I miss Abuelita." Noah murmured softly.
"Me too honey. You know, she loved you a whole lot."
"I know. I loved her too. She was the only grandmother I really had." Noah never mentions Sheila in any context. Whether it was because he forgot her, or just something he chose to do Rafael wasn't sure.
Lucia Barba had died peacefully in her sleep. Diagnosed with an aggressive form of terminal cancer, she had opted for no treatment wanting to live out her last days not clouded by the poison that they would inject into her body. Rafael took a sabbatical from work for a few weeks and spent every day with Lucia until she took her last breath, one Sunday night as he lay beside her reading one of her favourite books. It was a beautiful moment that he will always cherish and hold close to his heart for the rest of his days.
At her request, it was a small service with a handful of her friends and remaining family members. There was a special memorial a week later that was held by the school she taught at where everyone was able to pay their respects and tribute to Principal Barba.
Noah who had been able to spend some time with Lucia in her last days was able to say goodbye to her, Lucy had come with him to attend the memorial at the school. Noah wanted to go to the funeral, but it was a school day and Rafael didn't think it was appropriate to expose Noah to a funeral without his mother's permission and he wasn't going to open the doors of communication with Olivia using his mother's death as a key.
Whilst he never told Noah to not tell his mother, Noah didn't tell Olivia. In a way to honour the peace that Rafael needed. Elliott was part of his mother's package and the last thing he needed was to for her to tell Elliott and he say something that would not only insult the uncle he loved but the memory of the closest thing he had to a grandmother. He had been around Elliott enough to hear all the derogatory things he said about Rafael, in turn disappointingly watch his mother not say anything to defend him.
"I have made a box for you. Of things you may want. Like the books you read together. The deck of UNO cards you played with."
"Thank you Uncle Rafa, I would really like to have them if you're sure you don't want to keep them for you."
"No Sweetheart. I know she would like for you to have them and I have enough things to remember her by. All the important things live in my heart anyway. I will keep them for you and give them to you when we next see each other."
"Thank you Uncle Rafa."
"Of course honey."
Noah and Rafael remained on the phone talking catching up as Rafael kept packing up his mother's apartment. Noah was telling him about school. A musical production he wanted to audition for. Conor and every day things.
"Conor thinks I should definitely audition,"
"I agree, you have nothing to lose. You're incredibly talented." Rafael replied.
"You're not at all biased Uncle Rafa," Noah said chuckling. Olivia who had just walked in could hear both parts of the conversation as Noah had him on speaker.
"I am not biased. I just know talent when I see it." Rafael retorted.
"Will you help me with my vocals?"
"Sure Papito, though I'm not exactly a professional so if you want to actually get singing lessons, I'm sure you're Mom would be supportive."
"I know, but I'd prefer if you'd teach me and you may as well be professional."
"Such a flatterer, but happy to help Noh. Did you want to send me songs you want to work on for audition or did you want to try and find one together?"
"Can I send you some, and you send me some and we can decide together."
"Sounds like a plan kiddo. It's getting late, I'm sure you're Mom's on her way home so I will let you go. Maybe give Luce a hand with dinner."
"Okay, will text you later with the songs. Thanks again Uncle Rafa. I love you."
"I love you too Noh. Say hi to Luce for me and I'll see you soon."
Olivia had reached Noah's door just as he had hung up from his conversation with Rafael. She took a couple of beats before knocking on his door to announce her arrival pretending to not have heard the tail end of their conversation.
"Hey Babe, how was your day?"
"It was good." He answered as he walked over to her to drop a kiss on her cheek. Her sweet, not so little boy.
"Dinners almost ready. Wash up and come down? Elliot's joining us for dinner." Olivia watched as Noah's whole demeanour change from jovial during his conversation with Rafael to stoic politeness.
"Sure, I just need to send an email and I'll be down shortly." He replied turning around not waiting for a response. Noah opened his laptop to send a few song options to Rafael.
Dinner was uneventful. Noah was painfully polite as he always is when Elliot was around. And whilst he was mostly always polite, this was different. It was like Noah disassociated from his body each time he was in Elliot's presence. Elliot whose main interest was a reconnection with Olivia never noticed. But Olivia did. More and more so recently.
The difference in Noah's countenance from just talking to Rafael was different, more true to himself than the shell of a person that appeared every time Elliot's name was mentioned let along presence.
Noah excused himself soon after he was done. He had placed his dirty plate in the dishwasher, wished his mother and her company goodnight and closed his bedroom door behind him.
Saturday, Olivia had to work so Noah and Lucy had gone to Rafael's apartment where he had the baby grand piano so he and Noah could get some practice in whilst Lucy used his study to prepare for her upcoming exams. They had spent most of the day there until Olivia said she was finishing up at work and would meet them at home. Before they left Rafael had handed Noah the box he had put aside for him.
"She left you a birthday present. It's in the box, wrapped with a card." Noah's eyes filled with tears,
"I can't believe there won't be an Abuelita cake this year." Noah's favourite cake was Abuelita's chocolate cake and she always made him one.
"I'm going to wait until my birthday." Noah said as he held the small present in his hand."
Rafael gave his little amigo a huge hug before they headed off, making a note to dig up his Mom's chocolate cake recipe and attempt to make it for Noah or arrange for Lucy to.
By the time Olivia came home Noah was in his room putting away the contents of the box. The books on his shelf, his birthday present on his study table and deck of UNO by his bed.
"Hey, early birthday present?" Olivia asked noting the small box on his desk assuming it was from Rafael."
"Yeah, early birthday present from Abuelita." Noah answered not providing any more information. Olivia made a mental note to touch base with Lucia.
It had been several weeks since they had spoken and Olivia noticed she tired easily. Whilst she and Rafael were what they were, Lucia remained impartial. Just as Noah and Rafael were separate, so too were she and Lucia. Admittedly the return of Elliot and strained relationship with Rafael affected the ease she felt with Lucia, which was on her as Lucia's door remained open to her.
That evening after Noah had gone to bed she had called Lucia and it had gone straight to voicemail. Rafael hadn't had the heart to cancel her phone because he liked to call her phone and hear her voice.
"Uncle Rafa. It's just like yours." She heard Noah say to Rafael on the morning of his birthday. It was early and she was just about to rouse him awake when she heard him talking on the phone.
"It is. She's been holding on to that since her last visit to Cuba. She wanted to give it to you on your 13th birthday."
"Is that when she gave you yours?"
"That's when my Abuelita gave me mine." Rafael explained and Noah caught the sentiment.
"I love it even more now." Noah said in a quiet whisper.
"I'm glad. What are you doing for your birthday today?" Rafael asked changing the subject steering Noah to a happier mood.
"Mom and I are going to Breakfast somewhere just us. Then we're meeting Aunt Amanda, Uncle Sonny, Billie, Jessie, Uncle Fin, Aunt Phoebe, Elliott and his kids for pizza and ice cream this afternoon."
"That sounds fun."
"I wish you were going." Noah said sadly.
"Hey, we get to celebrate your birthday tomorrow. We have a full day to ourselves remember?" Rafael said trying to make them both feel better.
"I can't wait! I just wish it was like before."
"I know honey, but what's important is you're surrounded by people who love you on your birthday. That you are so deeply loved by so many people."
"I just miss it, and you." Noah said. The familiar words hit both Olivia and Rafael, making them both still.
"Me too bud. Me too." Rafael replied swallowing the lump on his throat.
Noah was sitting with Billie and Jessie at his birthday celebration, the three of them playing UNO with the cards he shared with Lucia. It was a way of
having her there with him.
"That's a beautiful necklace Noah." Amanda complimented as she handed him a piece of his cake. Olivia looked up. She hadn't noticed he was wearing a new necklace. As her eyes fell on it, she recognised the familiarity of it.
"Abuelita got it for me the last time she was in Cuba and held on to it until I turned 13 because it's tradition." All of a sudden the conversation between him and Rafael that morning made more sense. His necklace was identical to the very same one that Rafael wore under his suit. It was a simple gold chain with a simple cross. If his was personalised as Rafael's was, it would have his name engraved on the back.
Amanda and Sonny looked at each other realising the deeper sentiment of the gift. Amanda placed a hand on Noah's shoulder who teared up.
When Rafael had taken an unexpected sabbatical, Sonny and Amanda had questioned him. Unlike Olivia and Fin, they had remained in close contact with Rafael through Wheatley. Rafael had reluctantly told them about Lucia's diagnosis. When Lucia had passed they left it to him to communicate it to Olivia knowing how private he was. When Olivia hadn't mentioned it, they didn't feel it was right to bring it up.
Sonny, Amanda and Rita showed up at the funeral to support him. He appreciated them and their friendship.
Olivia caught the look that was exchanged and the sadness in Noah's eyes. She felt her heart bottom. She picked up her phone and looked at the last time she had called, spoke and messaged Lucia. It has been several weeks. They had caught a messy case one after the other. She had been meaning to touch base for weeks and she kept getting distracted.
"Sonny, can we talk?" Olivia asked. Sonny looked at Amanda and they both knew that Olivia sensed something was up and he would have to tell her the truth. Sonny gave her a nod and followed her out to the restaurant.
"Is Lucia sick?" She asked getting to the point.
"She passed Liv." Sonny answered. Olivia felt like the wind was knocked out of her.
"Why didn't you guys tell me?"
"It wasn't our news to tell Liv."
"Why wouldn't he tell me?"
"Would you have answered his call?" Sonny asked bluntly.
"You can't blame him for not wanting to reach out if every time he'd attempted he never received a response."
"Oh Sonny. When?"
"A couple of weeks."
"Noah obviously knows."
"He does. He got to spend time with her before she passed. He got to say goodbye. He didn't go to the funeral. Lucia didn't want her funeral to be Noah's last memory of her so she had spoken to him about it the last time they were together."
"And Rafael?" She asked after her friend.
"He's Rafael. Stoic. Driven. Rafael."
"Sonny, how did we get here?" She asked.
"Only you can answer than Liv." Sonny said looking away.
"He must hate me."
"That's not Rafael. That's never been Rafael. You may have written him of but he has never spoken anything but kind words about you. He would never let anyone speak ill of you in his presence." She heard the words he didn't say. Unlike her who has let Elliott disparage him every chance he got.
Sorrow filled her.
That evening after Noah had gone to bed, she tried to call him for an overdue apology. Unsurprisingly, he had not answered. Rafael had stared at his phone as her name flashed before him for the first time in years. He guessed that she had connected the dots.
"I am so sorry Rafael. I know how much you loved her. I am just so sorry." A message shortly followed.
Noah's birthday plans with Rafael started after his dance class. Not wanting to ruin their day, Olivia hadn't intercepted even though she had wanted to. Rafael breathed a sigh of relief to see Lucy there as planned.
He had surprised Noah with matinee tickets to Dear Evan Hansen which he had been wanting to see as he loved the soundtrack. Noah was beyond excited as they stood in front of the theatre,
"Really Uncle Rafa?"
"You bet." Noah grinned throwing his arms around Rafael.
"Thank you Uncle Rafa!"
"You're welcome Papito."
Rafael enjoyed watching Noah's wonder as he leaned forward taking it all in. Rafael had caught him tear up a few times and subtly handed him a handkerchief. Noah took it with a grateful smile seeing that he too was watery eyed.
After the matinee Rafael had taken Noah to one of his favourite restaurants. Wanting to celebrate his transition to teenage hood. It was definitely a little fancier than what Noah was used to but not over the top. Rafael knew that Noah had a good palette and wanted to treat him with something special on his birthday. They had skipped dessert as Rafael had told Noah that he had dessert waiting for him at home. When they arrived, Lucy was already there waiting with Abuelita's birthday cake that Rafael had spent the day of Noah's birthday baking and perfecting.
"Uncle Rafa," Noah whispered tearfully.
"Happy Birthday Kiddo. I can't guarantee it tastes exactly like Mami's but I used her recipe." Noah hugged his Uncle gratefully before blowing out his candle. The pure joy in Noah's face made it all worth it as he grinned after the first bite.
"It's just as I remember. Will you teach me how to bake it?"
"Of course honey. Anytime." Rafael answered as Lucy gave his arm a quick squeeze. She had so much respect for Rafael.
From the moment Lucy started looking after Noah, she was family to him. He looked out for her. Always genuinely interested in her life, school and family which made her appreciate him from the very beginning. She could see from the moment she met him how much Noah and Olivia meant to him. She saw the heartbreak he endured after he took on Wheatley and how it shattered the friendship he had with Olivia. She commended him for never letting their disintegrated friendship affect Noah. Noah never saw the difference from his part, but definitely Olivia's.
Rafael sent Noah home with his cake to share with his Mom and friends at school should he wish to which Noah was excited about.
Olivia was waiting at home reading a book when Noah arrived with Lucy excitedly recounting the musical he watched with Rafael. It never ceased to amaze her just how Noah brightened at the mention of Rafael.
"Guess what Mom? Uncle Rafa surprised me with Dear Evan Hansen tickets! We then went to an early dinner at one of his favourite restaurants. You know the type where you probably should be wearing a tie? Then Lucy met us at his place to have cake. We had Abuelita's cake." He added somewhat poignantly. Olivia guessed Rafael would have slaved away in the kitchen to bake the cake for her little boy because Abuelita's cake has been his favourite from the first time she had baked it for him. At some point, either on or around his birthday she would bake him that cake every year.
"That sounds amazing Noah. Your Uncle Rafa certainly knows you very well."
"Yeah, he does. He's my best friend." Noah said proudly, in a way she would have once upon a time.
For the days that followed Olivia attempted to get in contact with Rafael. She called, she messaged, she emailed. No response. Whilst he received a harsher sentence, it hurt that he wanted no contact with her. Especially as she had initiated the distance between them. She realised how arrogant she was to expect he would still be waiting once she forgave him for something in any other circumstance, he never would have had to apologise for.
"You're a hard man to track down." She said as he entered his office. Surprised he looked up from the file he was reading. Immediately she saw his walls raise before her.
In all the years of their friendship, he had never done that before. Even when they were in the midst of Wheatley's trial, he remained honest, raw. Rafael.
"How can I help you Captain Benson?" He asked formally, not a trace of emotion or the Rafael she knew and realised was privy to.
"Rafa," she whispered softly as though trying to coax her Rafael out of the protective cage he built around him. Rafael physically and visibly flinched as she said his name.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry."
"I got your condolences, thank you." He replied stoically.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry you didn't feel as though you could call me. I'm sorry,"
"For what, conveniently erasing me from your life like I didn't matter at all. That the years of friendship, everything we went through, meant nothing. All the side bars, the all nighters, the hardest cases, Noah, all of it amounted to nothing the moment your old partner came back. All of a sudden it had to be a choice, that I never once made you make. I mean how could I even stand a chance? He's the great Elliot Stabler where all man is measured. Your partner for over twenty years, because clearly the ten years that he was radio silent still counted. It didn't matter that he missed your biggest milestones, hardest days. He's Elliot. Let's throw in his wife died and I am the monster who defended the man accused of his murder, my reasons be dammed. You asked me not to do it, how dare I not listen or weigh out the consequences of my not taking him on."
"Rafael,"
"Let's say I listened to you Olivia. Let's say I respected your wishes and he got Buchanan. Do you really think Buchanan or any other lawyer wasn't going to bring up Lewis, your false statements, rip you to shreds on the stand, discredit you and potentially have your career ripped from underneath you? Let's say, the mighty Olivia Margaret Benson could deal with that, are you saying that none of that wouldn't bleed into Noah's life." Olivia gasped,
"A high profiled, nationally televised court case wouldn't travel to middle his school? Noah's supposed reputable mother, captain of SVU, isn't so reputable after all. Did you think for a moment that maybe, all that talk of Lewis and all the trauma around it wasn't going to haunt you in the little pockets of silences you were eventually going to have? Were you not worried about the night terrors that may evoke? Because I honestly was."
All of a sudden, Olivia got the bigger picture. He wasn't just protecting her, he was protecting Noah, like he had from the first moment he was placed in her arms.
She remembered the sleepless nights post Lewis. The night terrors.
In that moment she remembered it all.
What a shell of a person she was.
It was Rafael who was there from the moment she was found, who was there at the hospital holding her had as she was examined and interviewed. He stayed with her every night Cassidy wasn't there, which was often. He held her through the nightmares. When he wasn't physically there, he was on the other side of the phone until she fell asleep.
The trial would have unearthed all of that and it would have frightened Noah. All of that was before his time, and he had no point of reference for the PTSD that would have resurfaced. He didn't know of that darkness, because he was the one who brought the light back in her life.
Rafael was protecting the very thing that saved her…
Noah.
"Thank you for your condolences. There's no reason for you to be sorry you weren't there." She heard the words that he didn't say. "It's not like we're friends." Rafael walked over to his office door and opened it without meeting her gaze, but clearly asking her to leave.
There was no coming back from where they were. She destroyed them with no regard to their history and all that they had been through. She callously tossed their friendship aside seemingly in exchange for Stabler without consideration of how he abandoned her for ten years. Rafael had never abandoned her. Even when he needed to take some time post Drew he was ever present. In her life, and in Noah's.