AN: Hey all! (:
Laurence, thanks for the review! Just one makes me eager to continue on with this story.
Also, I'm considering upping the rating to M soon, for reasons. Not quite yet, but it's definitely happening. Let me know if you have any thoughts on that decision.
Sorry for the wait, but I really wanted to take my time with this one.
Reviews = happy me!
Okay, enough talk, let's do this!
WARNING: Graphic depictions of Rape and abuse.
~Opening Heart~
"I have no mouth, and I must scream…"
Harlan Ellison
When had it started?
Ai doesn't know the answer to her internal question, but as she watches his concerned gaze, focused so intensely on her, she feels an intense need to figure it out.
For him, for her? Ai doesn't know
Everything had been fine, more than fine actually – she had been happy, in her way. More happy then she had ever been.
She – Ai, had felt comfortable and in control with all of it, Ren being the "it" in all of it.
But, as they grew closer, as their kisses lingered, and her heart became more enthralled with him, the memories suddenly began rising up once more. Like vengeful spirits, they arrived and started to destroy her, with an intensity that took her breath away.
It surprised her, how much pain mere remembrances could inflict.
Sections of time she doesn't even remember happening flashed through her thoughts. Painful moments; of Men atop her, holding her down roughly, her skin chafing away from her constant struggle, against the tightly tied ropes that held her; ever-slowly demolishing her trust in humanity piece by broken piece, as they seemed to enjoy her never-ending agony.
And as the memories fled back, so too did her initial fear of trusting in someone, in needing someone and in allowing her heart to be tampered with.
Had that terror ever really gone away?
It wasn't Ren, this had nothing to do with him, the rational part of her knows this truth, but the injured, helpless, angry, part of her, refused to see the logic.
So she started to pull away, to avoid his gaze, back away from his touch, and create a divide that would drive him away from her.
Because she couldn't be hurt again, she'd be left with only despair, she wouldn't be able to hate him; and that realization caused her to panic, because what else did she have, but hatred?
Nothing, she would be nothing.
Head spinning, thoughts colliding, she feels as if she may drown…
His hesitant touch to her trembling fingers stops the flood inside her from overflowing.
Why is it that he always seems to keep her from going too far?
"Please" he whispers, desperation tinging his usually care free voice.
"What did I do?" He sounds hurt
Ai can't bear the words…
"Ai…" Her name passing his lips, pain lacing the vowels
She can't bear the sound…
"it – it isn't" She can't form the words, they are clogging her mouth, choking her, causing her throat to close.
"You…" Ai finishes
"Then" Ren continues after a moment of silence, leaning down to meet her gaze.
"What is it? What happened?" He says quietly
What happened? The words play over and over again in her thoughts.
Everything happened, my death, his betrayal, my life…
"Rape"
The word falls from her lips, a quiet, simple, phrase, whispered, and so full of meaning.
What?"
Ren replies, obviously not comprehending
"Rape"
Saying it once more makes it feel more real…
"Ai…"
He looks…. Haunted
"They raped me."
She feels oddly relieved that she's finally managed to speak the truth
"Who?"
She can't possibly say aloud all the words he needs to hear
But he needs to know, he needs to understand…
Because she can't avoid him anymore, even trying was a lost effort. She cares too much for him now to drive him away.
Hadn't she tried that once before?
It had failed then
And it had failed now
Though hating him was the right thing to do.
But…
She can't truly hate what she so dearly loves.
No matter how much she's tried.
Instead of replying, Ai slowly, so as not to alarm him, moves into his space. Reaching up to gently caress his face, she leans in, pressing her lips to his.
A kiss
With a story to tell
Images, flashes of memory, suddenly invade Ren's mind, not his own, but, hers.
Ren expects the worst right off the bat, but no, she shows him small, trivial things.
Flash: Cupped tiny hands, holding a ladybug, the tickle of its wings; causing a small giggle to escape her lips. Ai is young here, maybe only 2.
Flash: A Woman, Ai's mother perhaps, smiling down at her, as she runs a comb through her hair, she feels so safe, like nothing can hurt her, Ren guesses she's around 4 now.
Flash: A young boy sits next to her, a waterfall creating a sense of serenity all around them, they are stacking stones, one after another, until as if by magic, the pile has transformed into a perfect triangle like shape.
As Ai glances up at the boy shyly, a blush evident on her face, Ren has a sudden realization, as he watches her expression. He recognizes that look, because it's something akin to how she sometimes looks at him.
Like he's worth her time
So her first love then? A best friend?
A combination of all these things and he suspects, even more.
He knows of this boy, of course, the one who had betrayed her, the cause of her demise and resulting rage. He knows, but the past wasn't something that they liked to talk about, to painful. And pain, well, that is the last thing he wants her to feel.
But, he doesn't really know the extent, the details of what happened to her. For his part, Ren hadn't thought they would need to discuss it, though now, he realizes that, obviously everything with regards to her is important and necessary to know.
The past is what makes us who we are.
Ren wants to know her.
Sentaro
The name suddenly flows through his consciousness, weather from her or from his own recollections, he doesn't know.
A sudden, violent, tremble from her brings him temporarily back to reality, to the here and now.
Reaching out, gently, he takes her hand; allowing as he does, for their fingers to intertwine.
Her hand is so small; compared to his own
"You don't need to go on..."
A quiet sigh escapes her lips
"Yes, I do…"
Gripping his hand, she once more leans in, to press a fierce kiss to his lips.
Flash: Ai's face is reflected in a ponds surface, her eyes are wide, a deep Chocolate color that reflects her quiet nature.
She has a fresh bruise on her face, older ones scattered here and there, all over the exposed skin of her legs and arms. The simple cotton robe she wears, doesn't do a great job at hiding the signs of abuse.
She looks about 5 or 6
"Who did that to you!?" The slightly older boy, Sentaro, asks, face filled with anger
"Was it Koukichi?"
Ai can't speak, tears are falling, marring her reflection in the ponds natural mirror.
She nods
"That bastard!" He runs off, leaving a staring Ai behind.
Flash: Whispered voices, a conversation she wasn't meant to hear. She was supposed to be asleep.
"They won't…"
"But, what if…"
"How do you know?"
"They…"
"You can't know that, they exclude her, they hate her, and they think she's a devil, an evil spirit."
"With all that, how can you say they won't try to…"
"What are we going to do…"
"I… I don't know."
That was the first time she felt unsafe in her own home, because if her parent's couldn't protect her, then who could?"
Ren then see's what happens next in quick succession. Her village sacrificing her to the mountain God, her parent's asking for Sentaro's help, and his agreement. So much fear, so much sadness.
Flash: I'll always protect you."
"Hm?"
I always will."
"Really?"
"Always"
Carefully, she leans her head against his shoulder, the moon is so bright, and it makes the shrine she's been forced to hide out in for the last 5 years, feel like a home, a safe area, if only for this moment.
Flash: What have you done!?"
"Look at what your selfishness has cost the village!"
"Did you ever think about how our village is starving to death?"
"Ai, what a girl you are!"
"Unforgivable!"
All she could feel was terror….
"Run away!"
"Get her!" "Don't let her get away!"
"Run!"
She didn't get far…
Flash: She was being dragged, pulled, away from her parent's. She was trying to struggle, but the hands that held her were to strong, too much, for her to even try and break free from.
Besides, her hands were tied, so even if she managed to break away from her captors, she wouldn't get far before they eventually caught her.
Landing roughly, she finds herself in an empty hut, used mostly for storage.
She lies on the floor, every part of her hurts…
The Men, her former people, family members, loomed over her. They were smiling… smiling of all things. They looked at her like she was a mouse and they were all cats – waiting to devour her.
She feels as though she was going to be sick…
"You heard the Priest, "Seven Purification Cycles" The man, her father's former friend, said slyly
"Get to it"
"Show her no mercy."
Ren can't stand what she shows him next.
Flash: Her ceremonial robe was torn from her body, panic took over and she tried kicking and screaming, she was promptly held down and gagged.
The first Man, the friend of her father's, began to touch her. His hands ran up and down her body, caressing at her breasts, her hips, her inner thighs.
Roughly he pulls her legs apart, causing her to scream through the cloth that was stuffed in her mouth.
His hand whipped out and slapped her hard across the face
"Shut up you bitch!"
Pushing into her, invading her body, he grinned as his movements picked up and his breathing increased.
She was completely paralyzed…
After a few minutes that feel like an eternity, his movements calm and he eventually stops, groaning above her.
He exited her body, blood gushing down her thighs.
Then he left, without another word to her.
Flash: It kept happening…
Over and over
She had stopped fighting, after it happened for the fourth time
She stopped caring after the fifth time
Her fear disappeared after the sixth time
And her faith in humanity left after the seventh time
And a question remained
Where was Sentaro?
She needed him…
He was the only thing keeping her from completely letting go…
Flash: They untied her arms and legs; the skin where the ropes had been was bloody and torn.
Why had they done that?
She could run now…
She could find him…
On shaky arms, Ai pushes herself up, the action taking what feels like an eternity to her.
She's just managed to sit up, when a sudden pain deep in her abdomen, causes her to slump, once more, to the dirt packed ground.
Blood once again dripping to the floor from between her legs
She tries once more, twice more, a third and fourth time
She's only managed to drag herself a few feet in the direction of the door
She feels so dizzy; the world around her is spinning
Nausea suddenly takes over and she promptly vomits, the disgusting mess getting in her hair, and all over her body.
It was another cruelty, the men weren't stupid, and they'd intentionally freed her; because they knew she'd never be able to run, to even get to the door.
She was so angry…
And at the same time so numb…
She hated them; she wanted them all to die.
As the world began to darken around her, Ai could only think of death, and how much she wanted it to consume her, to devour everything and everyone.
Flash: They threw her in a pit, praying to their mountain God to come and save them.
She lies on a pile of body parts, her parent's remains
How is she still alive?
Sentaro, her best friend, the only person who had been there for her, who promised to always protect her; had betrayed her
He cast the first stones, he, her hero, had sacrificed her, in order to save his and everyone else's skins.
Hadn't he loved her at all?
"You promised you'd always protect me."
"I trusted you…"
"I trusted you!"
She hated them all, wished them all to burn in Hell
I'll make them pay; I'll make them all pay!
She wanted to be the one to make them burn…
"I curse upon you; I curse upon you all…"
"From beyond this grave I curse you!"
She's shaking so hard, Ren's arms, so tight around her, are the only things keeping her upright.
He's stroking her hair, trying to calm her.
The only time Ren's seen her so hysterical was when she was attacking the Shibata's. She was completely absent of her usual composure.
Only this felt more personal; it was so much more personal, she was showing him her weakness, her vulnerability, her utmost pain.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" He keeps repeating the words, hoping that she'll hear him and come back from wherever she's gone.
It seems to have an effect, after a few minutes or so.
She curls up against him, tucking her head into his shoulder.
She's ended up in his lap; her arms clutching him to her.
She's never been this close to him; Ai wonders if she should be feeling this safe, after what she just showed him, she expected to be more averse to physical contact.
More… averse to him
But no
Ai feels surprisingly at ease, like a weight has been lifted from her mind, like she has resolved something within herself.
They were wrong.
They had always been wrong.
Everything that was done to her was utterly putrid.
She had destroyed so many lives in taking revenge; some deserved it, and others did not.
But, Ai can't find it in herself to regret the choice she made.
She can't find it in herself to forgive them or him.
She feels okay about that though, which shocks her.
The guilt, her self-loathing; has fled, leaving her feeling light
A sin, yes, unforgivable, absolutely
Ai can't find enough resolve to care anymore though.
They were wrong
And she had been right, she'd haply accept her punishment, but she would never repent or regret – never.
She opens her eyes
He's there to meet her
He was always there for her, had been there, and would continue to be there.
Ren isn't Sentaro; there was no comparison between them.
The sudden clarity helps her see, that despite everything, she still loves her long lost friend, under all the layers of hatred, was still the little girl who believed that her cousin would always be there to protect her.
But that little girl was dead and so was her cousin, many times over.
Dead and gone
A quick slash of grief…
But as it passed, Ai realizes something important.
She wasn't left adrift
She isn't alone
Slowly, she leans in; gently she presses her lips to his, a kiss, as soft as butterfly wings.
The words flow through Ren's mind, as clear as if she had spoken aloud; yet so quiet, that any sound at all could carry them away.
わたしは, あなたを愛しています.
I love you…
Ren doesn't hesitate, the words have been there, caught in his throat, threatening to slip out, for so long now.
He's so relieved to finally say them back to her.
"As I love you"
They stopped for a moment, simply looking at each other, as if they were seeing the face of God.
A kind of paradise, in the midst of a living Hell
So bittersweet
They couldn't ask for more.
AN: So how'd you like it? I wanted to take a lot of time with this chapter, because I believe it's an important one in the development of their relationship.
Song: Heart of Stone by Iko
Let me know what you think!
Mia