~An Understanding~
"Love is of source unknown, yet it grows ever deeper. The living may die of it, by its power the dead live again. Love is not love at its fullest if one who lives is unwilling to die for it, or if it cannot restore to life one who has died. And must love that comes in dream necessarily be unreal? For there is no lack of dream lovers in this world. Only for those whose love must be fulfilled on the pillow, and for whom affection deepens only after retirement from office, is it an entirely corporeal matter."
— Preface to the Peony Pavilion; Tang Xianzu, 1598
She finds it in a dingy used bookstore, the dramas and old plays in the section were almost more dust than anything else, barely resembling books at all, so worn and old were they.
Ai is immediately taken with the sight; because she, if asked, would say that she more often favored the "old" world, rather than this new, ultraviolent one. She wasn't impressed, by all the technology, all the distractions, that tore everyone away from everyone else. Though maybe she was hypocritical; since her job, all but depended on the use of such things.
Maybe that's why she prefers such old places; as a means of departure, from this life, which often felt stifling to her. She's been living in the past now, for quite some time, her mind favoring memories, rather than the present, which could be so bleak.
That was, of course true for the past as well, though, she's been recalling happier memories, what few she had, as a way of escape.
She's been thinking of her parent's lately, missing her mother's warmth, craving her father's rare, but gentle hugs. She misses them, has been feeling that way, for some weeks now.
Her mind has been troubled, her thoughts preoccupied, though it had been a good month mouth or so, Ai is still concerned about the case, with the young girl, who had been brutally assaulted and murdered.
After that day, after those intimate, intense moments with Ren had ended, moments which, they still hadn't discussed and which, Ai hadn't yet given herself time to contemplate; her mind was once again forced back, into reality.
Within that reality, she had found that she couldn't forget the child or her situation.
She'd kept tabs on the family; who had, soon enough, been informed by police officials, of their child's discovered body. She'd listened in; heard the girl's mother screaming and crying, heard the coroner speak of mutilated genitals, of head trauma, blood loss, of dying due to all these tragedies.
It made her feel physically sick, but for whatever reason, Ai can't stop herself from doing it; spying in on something she shouldn't.
Hurting herself more then she already was… She felt and feels horrible, for just standing by, for not doing anything. It would have been so easy, in those final moments, to reach out and help the child, or better yet…
Better yet… to reach down and strangle that in human demon that was killing her. She wants that man dead.
Ai wants to kill him herself, a million times over.
She feels as though she owes it to the child, to keep an eye on her left behind family members. Like some twisted guardian angel figure. Not that it really made a difference, anyways, she couldn't do anything more than what she'd already done, merely observe and witness.
She hates it, so God be dammed much.
She was sure Hone, Wanyuudou, Yamawaro and Kikuri had no clue, about her actions.
But Ren….
Well he knew, he always knew, when something was wrong with her. Ai hadn't wanted him to know, she hadn't wanted his rationality or worse his pity. For the mere reason that she knew he was right, doing this, continuing on like this, staying involved with cases, it wasn't good for her and wouldn't end well.
Ai knows his intentions would only be for her wellbeing, but right then, she hadn't wanted to hear it.
But she'd been wrong.
He'd found her one night, after she'd left the eternal realm, without a word to any of them, say except for a quick touch to Ren's cheek, before she departed, not turning to meet her servants or Ren's questioning gazes.
She hadn't expected any of them to follow her, she knew that at least four of them wouldn't, but with Ren, well it was more a hope than anything else.
Sitting on top of a high-rise in Osaka, looking in on the girl's mother, whose cries could be heard, even from where she sat hidden, up several stories on the rooftop. Ai is suddenly aware that she is not alone, she isn't surprised; she'd known he would find her out, eventually.
She sits stone faced, waiting for whatever it was he had to say.
Surprisingly enough however, he merely stayed quiet, sitting close to her, he carefully, after a minute of silence, draped a protective arm across her shoulders.
Carefully, always so carful he was with her.
Grateful, that's how she felt in that moment; as she leaned into him, that he as always had understood how she was feeling.
Her frustration faded quickly, her anger too disappeared.
She was left only with sadness.
For herself, for the world, but most of all for the child, who had been innocent in all of this, who hadn't deserved any of the world's cruelty.
She felt so broken then, as well as full, Ren was always that to her, her happiness, within pain.
His arm was tight around her, as her shoulders began to shake, her sadness a reflection of all the injustice and unfairness that was the world.
She reaches for him, her hands clutching at him.
It's later; she's wiped the tears from her face, quiet once more filling the space between them.
"You have to know," He begins, his chin resting on top of her head, "that what you're doing, it can't be good for you.."
Another long silence…
"Is forgetting it, repressing it all, any better though?" Ai responds, her voice a whisper of truth into the night.
He seems to think about it a moment, considering,
"I think sometimes, well isn't it the only thing we can do?"
She takes a moment, before saying the words; she's come to a conclusion, to what she wants, from life and from herself.
"Maybe so, but… I" She paused, "Ren… I don't want it. I do not want to hold anything back, from you, from myself, from anyone… anymore."
"I have always watched… for over 400 years, I have witnessed." She turned her face up to his, her gaze piercing.
"I cannot merely sit by and watch any longer."
Ren is taken aback, by her honestly, by her bluntness. He's surprised, but at the same time not, because though she has never been, till now, very bold, she is certainly brave. Braver, then he could ever dream to be.
"What do you want then?" He asks, the only thing he can think to say in response.
What did she want?
Mortality
Life
"A second chance… for us both." She finishes with strength and shyness, the meaning clear.
"What do you want?' She asks, her quiet tone sounding the slightest bit nervous. Ren takes a few minutes, Ai assumes, to consider the question. The future was vastly uncertain and unknown. Ren would never have considered the question, let alone put any sort of hope or thought into an answer.
He says that to her, in a quiet voice, that he's never really known anything much more than this. "But," He goes on, "I would prefer, well, to stay with you… Whatever that may be, if that means mortality or Hell, well then, so be it."
It was a quiet second in time, a moment so meaningful, as to feel like an eternity to them. As he reached for her hand, his lips soft as butterfly wings against her knuckles.
A fresh tear trickled down her cheek, a shuddery sigh escaping her firmly pressed lips.
A promise of sorts was being made, but for what that was exactly, neither of them knew.
But it was enough.
"Okay." She replied back to him, her voice barely above a shaky whisper, as the darkness of the night seemed to swallow them whole.
The dust makes her sneeze, the reaction bringing Ai back, suddenly into the here and now. She's in the dingy bookstore, her sanctuary of choice for the day. The heavy two volumes sit in her lap, the titles ancient and mysterious, simple and unassuming, all at once.
The cover read, in Traditional Chinese characters,
牡丹亭
The Peony Pavilion
"Tang Xianzu…" She's never come across the author before, but the title, and the first volumes cover, of a young maiden sitting at a dressing table, looking surprisingly sad, intrigues her.
The books are feeling almost warm, as they rest on her knees, like they had a heart, as if they were meant for her… She doesn't even give herself a moment more to ponder the decision or even skim the volumes, to try and decipher if she was even interested in the story.
Ai buys them quickly, the need to possess them, overpowering.
For what reason, she can't say.
It's been a few days since she bought the volumes; it's also been a few days more, since Ren and her, had talked on the rooftop.
About the future…
The hope that idea produced, causes her immediate stress, hitting her like a ton of bricks, almost stealing her breath away, with its intensity.
She needs an escape from it all…
The volumes were hidden beneath her futon blankets; she goes behind the folding screen quickly, seeking a release from herself, from reality.
Picking and opening up the first volume, Ai is suddenly assaulted with complex characters that are above her level of Chinese, which was if she were the type to brag, surprisingly high. She squints, adjusting herself to the tones and rhythms, of another language.
She begins the slow and daunting task, of making sense of all the words that were written. Translating some, and understanding some right away; a challenging task before her indeed.
Ren finds her easily, he'd expected her to be asleep or playing, something usual, but no – he finds her in a state of intense concentration and annoyance.
Smirking a bit, Ren sits himself down beside her.
He waits.
She doesn't even notice.
His grin widening, he says, voice loud, "What'cha reading?"
Nearly jumping a foot, Ai with a gasp, asks, "How long have you been here?"
Mock affronted, he replies, "And hello to you too." Ren tries to keep his voice serious, but as he watches her eyes, which glitter with warmth, he adds, smiling.
"Not long, I just got back," he smirks, adding,
"I wanted to make sure you hadn't ditched out on all of us, left it all behind and –"Faltering, for a moment, he pauses, "went to join the carnies, a local circus troupe." Eyebrows raised, Ai with a laugh, scooting closer to him, voice a gentle whisper, she replies, "That's an idea, I bet I'd be able to pull it off."
"A haunted house of horrors act? You could lead in performances of ghost stories. I bet you could make a killing at either." He adds, hoping for a smile from her. Rewarding him, her grin blooming, Ai replies, her voice deadpan, "Oh, definitely the haunted house, but I'm sure I could do both."
Smiling, his hand coming up to brush away her hair, he adds, "An option for the future, keep it in mind."
Ah the future again…
Sighing, his hand feeling warm and lovely against her face, she says, "Smart, smart."
"Don't worry though," she adds, forever soft in tone, her own hand rising to cover his, "If I decide to ditch and run, you'll be my only accessory."
"Accessory?!" Now Ren really is offended.
"Oh please," Ai replies, her lashes a lovely fan atop her face, her eyes lowered, then looking straight at him she adds, blushing, "You're too pretty to be called anything else."
It was a daring statement and one that Ren is both surprised and a bit amazed by.
"Who are you? "He asks, only half serious.
Grinning again, rare and so beautiful, Ai replies, leaning in for a moment, to whisper close, "Oh, I'm whoever I want to be."
Her breathe is warm, her hair smells sweet.
"You're cruel, you know that?" Ren whispers back, a smirk filling his face.
Smiling back, a now noticeable blush on her face, making her look very young, as she pulls back slightly, adding with a glare, "Shush"
Flirting, light comments, casual small talk and conversation… Not what should be happening between them right now, but none the less, it felt good and needed, for them both in that moment.
Smirking again, Ren adds, quietly, "Ok, Ojou."
Before she could comment, her blush growing deeper, Ren asks quickly, "So really, what are you reading?"
"An opera." Ai gives in, letting his last remark go.
"Really?" He asks, curious, "is it any good?'
"I still can't tell…" she admits, "I've only managed up to chapter two, the writing," She motions to the page, open in front of her, "It's above my abilities."
Instead of teasing her, Ha! finally something she wasn't perfect and all sure at! Ren opts for sincerity, as he asks.
"Can I help?"
Surprised despite herself, Ai replies, tone suddenly shy.
"It may not be of much interest to you, I'm not far in, but it seems very…" Ai can't think of the right words to describe the piece just right, it radiated drama and over exaggeration, emotion and intensity. It was just so…
"Feminine."
"I don't mind," Ren assures her, adding, "I bet I'll like it"
"Besides," he adds, "I think this is one thing I'm better at, then you are." His smirk is full force.
"Well, we'll see about that, now won't we?" Ai mutters back, her words a challenge, which hid her silent contentedness.
So they read, starting from the very beginning, so Ren could help her with the tricky, complicated first section. He was very good at deciphering the meaning within each symbol, while she was better at tone and pronunciation.
As they breezed through the first chapter, which started with the scholar named, Liu Mengmei, recalling a dream he had, about a beautiful maiden. Who as they continued to fly through the first several chapters, they learned was none other than Du Ling Yang.
Ling Yang, the daughter of Madame Du and Prefect Du, a young innocent girl – she was pampered and well bread, living a glorified existence, in a time when richness was hard to come by.
But, even with wealth, and affection from her family, the girl was incredibly lonely and secluded. Her family being so protective, as to never allow her out of her family's compound; as a result, her knowledge of what lay beyond her Women's rooms was almost nonexistent.
It was tragic.
If she had been less sheltered, less naive, maybe what later happened – would've had less of an impact on her.
Ai had been reading at a fare pace, her words rarely pausing, so caught up was she, in the story, that she hadn't paused even once since they started reading. But as the next scenes began to take shape and she gazed at the next few paragraphs of text, Ai suddenly faltered. Her voice trailing off as she reached the end of the current chapter.
Ren who was listening quietly; head resting comfortably in her lap, eyes shut, murmured, "Are you stuck on a word?"
Shaking her head lightly, she replied, "No… it's just… Never mind" But suddenly unable to express how she was feeling, Ai just decided to keep reading, it was the easiest way to communicate to him, why her face was suddenly flushed, her breathing felt short and she couldn't look at his face.
Ling Yang and her maid had snuck into her families garden, a place she was forbidden to visit, to see the springtime slender, a sight the girl had never experienced before, since her family's protectiveness forbid her from even venturing outside.
The girl was quickly overwhelmed and saddened by all she had experienced, she longed for more then what life was offering her and this longing was reflected in the words she spoke as she glided on delicate feet about the abandoned garden.
Now back from her excursion, exhausted by all she'd seen Ling Yang quickly fell asleep.
The dream began in the garden, blossoms and flowers in full bloom, beside the girl to her surprise was a young man. The scholar identified as Liu or dream of willow. The man from the first chapter, who had recalled dreaming of this same girl.
The two exchanged soft, flirtatious words. The feeling between the two, of having known each other before, all but drowning them in its intensity. Then the man Liu Mengme, procured a willow sprig and ran it's softness against the girl's cheek, her arm and against her collarbone, he murmurs to her.
"Lady, come with me just over there where we can talk."
"Where do you mean?"
"There, just beyond this railing peony lined, against the mound of weathered Taihu rocks."
"But, sir, what do you mean to do?'
"Open the fastening at your neck."
"Loosen the sash at your waist."
"As you hide, behind your sleeve."
"You may need to bite the fabric…"
"And so submit to love's brief, sweet embrace."
She paused again after finishing, her mind and body, feeling weighted and strange. She can feel his gaze on her face; her flushed cheeks, her mouth, it was all so much…
Because in this moment, after reading such a scene, well it all came to the surface.
What she hadn't allowed herself to think about for weeks now, what she felt between them now that was so new and intense. What they'd done together. What she'd experienced in his arms, feelings of tenderness and pleasure, that she never would've thought possible for herself.
Maybe it was silly of her, it wasn't like… well they hadn't…. it wasn't everything.
But well… it sort of was to her anyways.
Placing the book aside gently, her wrists aching from the weight, her neck sore and her eyes tired from reading, Ai allows her eyes to finally fall to his face.
They gaze at each other.
She trembles at his look.
Her hand has just lowered to cup his face, her mouth opening slightly to speak, when suddenly she jerks away, a tiny gasp escaping her lips instead. In alarm Ren starts to question her, but in the same second he finds out exactly what had startled her so.
A chime
Something she always seemed to sense just before anyone else could.
Up and on her feet, already across the room, kneeling in front of the computer, he sees her suddenly flinch back from the screen, as if she'd been burnt.
Going to her and leaning over her to see, Ren gazes at the name from which the request had come.
Yasatani Namiko
In shock Ren in a flash realizes why she looks so startled, this was Yasatani Asumi'smother, the young girl whose death had haunted Ai for so many weeks now. And below her name was the name of none other than the uncle who had brutalized and murdered said daughter.
Hands shaking Ai quickly accepts the request and in one fluid motion is standing; looking for all the world like a soldier going into battle, grim and determined.
"Come" she whispers after a few moments of tension filled silence.
"We have work to do."
AN: Alright! So first off Happy New Year and I apologize for the long absence. Life, school and some sad stuff at the end of the summer (as well as writers block) kept me only occasionally typing at my keyboard. But now we're back and ready to continue this tale! As always reviews and feedback keep me motivated, no matter how big or small, seriously!
I was actually planning to go longer with this chapter, but I really wanted to post this and get it up and will be continuing my ideas in the next chapter.
Peony Pavilion is a world famous opera and love story, I highly recommend reading the play and especially looking up scenes from the opera on YouTube, it's very beautiful. It may seem somewhat random a thing to throw in, but I promise there is and will be, a bigger reason for its presence later on, as we continue to progress in this story.
If you're at all interested in seeing some of the scenes from the opera and you're not quite sure what to look for, feel free to reach out, I was originally going to link them as music, but then I remembered that's not a thing I can do.
I recommend though searching, Peony Pavilion in the garden and Peony Pavilion The Interrupted Dream, The two scenes that I briefly refer to in this chapter.
Music:
One Ok Rock – Taking Off (Studio Jam Session) Because I love my emo J-Pop as much as the next person! (:
Mia (: