-Serenity-
Its fear that wakes her, terror really, which causes her to bolt upright, her throat sore and dry; she's been scramming in her sleep, again, Ai realizes.
Words she can't remember and a dream Ai feels she's had before, carrying her into this new night. Another thought too, brings the room into focus, she's suddenly and deeply afraid, that she is going to ruin what happiness she's managed to grasp onto.
It must know by now, or at least it has to suspect. Ai can't recall the dreams which terrify her so, but she has a feeling that they're a sign of some sort. A warning to her or maybe by now, it was merely just reminding her, that she's on borrowed time.
A tight rope she could easily fall off of.
Her existence can only be maintained, through conditions and rules, which must be upheld. Again and again she is reminded of that, and still, over and over again, she's managed for some time now, to ignore and step around them.
She feels though suddenly, like a punch to her gut, that she's close to the end of the line again. There's only so much that can be allowed, she's already broken all the rules, how much more could be tolerated?
Ai feels as if she's crossed some invisible line, with her actions the other day, with the human male. She's surprised actually, that it hadn't already come for her. Sure, she didn't banish the man herself, hadn't dammed him before a thread could be untied, but she'd been close. And then her actions and the resulting ache in her chest, these things all bleed emotion and humanity.
"Why is it waiting? What does it hope to gain from merely standing back and observing?" These thoughts permeate Ai's mind as she slowly rises from her futon, her legs feeling weak as she does so.
She can't figure it out and really, just wants to forget it.
The wetness of tears is a sudden and unwelcomed surprise on her face. Ai can't place the reaction at first, but suddenly the feeling rushes over her again, another kick to her stomach. Hopelessness mixed with despair; crowd her mind, so intensely as to cause her to gasp aloud.
A figure is hovering just on the perimeter of her small piece of private space, she can almost taste the worry coming off him; the air is so thick with the tension he must be sensing from her.
Ai calls him over to her, the desperation clear in her voice as she does so, she hadn't known he was here and is eternally grateful for his presence.
Ren goes to her just as gratefully, something aching and needy, welling up in him, as he crosses the floor and behind the folding screen, to come face to face with her. "What's the matter?" He says it quietly, as he brings a hand down to caress her check as they both sit back down together.
"I think…" she stops suddenly, her gaze is intent on his own, "I think it knows about us, I think it's known for a while now."
Fear quickly replaces the worry, Ai watches as his face pales.
"How do you know that?" He whispers.
"I do not know exactly, not for sure, but I keep having… dreams, visions maybe, terrifying ones, I can never remember them, but when I wake, I get a sense that something is… wrong." Ai can't really express it, her words are jumbling together and she knows she's not explaining right, not making sense.
Ren watches her for another minute, he looks as if he could argue, but surprisingly, he merely nods and says, voice strained, "What should we do?"
Sighing she simply replies with, "I do not know."
They're both silent for a moment, the air is heavy with all the unspoken words between them.
Then, suddenly in what feels like a mere blink of her gaze, Ai feels lips against her own. The kiss is intense and possessive, needy and desperate. She takes him in, feels the flood of emotions ebbing off him like title waves. He's terrified for her and he doesn't know what to do. Ren also loves her, Ai can feel that most of all, through this kiss which has fully taken over her thoughts.
They pull away after a few moments, only far enough to catch their breath.
"Come with me." Ren whispers to her after a second or so.
"Where?" Ai finds that she nearly whines the word; she doesn't want to go anywhere, especially not after that kiss. Her mind is much more preoccupied by other activities they could do…
Ren merely laughs a little at her tone, leaning in, he kisses her again, they stay caught up in each other for another minute or so. Pulling away once more, Ren says, voice oddly calm, "On a date."
Eyebrow raised, Ai can only think to blurt out, "What?"
"There's nothing we can do about any of this. So… I think the best thing to do, is just to let it go for now. Use the time we have, while we still have time to use."
His tone is so serious and sincere that Ai finds herself nearly tearing up by the end. Brushing at her eyes quickly, it takes her a second or two to find her voice.
"We can't avoid this, not for long anyways."
Ren merely nods, standing up, he looks down at her.
"But tonight we can."
It's maybe twenty minutes later or so when Ai appears beside him on the porch. She's dressed casually, opting for a nondescript coat, flowy paints and a simple dark blouse, rather than her usual school uniform. Ren wonders if she's trying to distance herself as much as possible, from who she is and what she represents, when in that clothing.
Or perhaps it wasn't that complicated after all, as he looks to her face and sees the heightened color of her cheekbones, sees a faint shine to her lips. Maybe she's feeling as he does and is just craving normality.
Maybe it was as simple as a girl wanting to look pretty for her date.
Normality in any form was a gift they both badly needed today.
Smiling at her, Ren carefully leans down and pecks her on the cheek, not wanting to ruin any makeup she'd applied.
"You look beautiful."
Ai is at once a blushing mess; she isn't good with directness and can feel the traditional Japanese girl that she is, coming to the surface once more. She wants to be brave for him though, wants confidence for herself, so in a quiet voice, she mummers back to him.
"You look beautiful too." And she means it, wholeheartedly.
It's chilly in Kichijogi tonight, it's early March and the weather is only just starting to retain some warmth. Luckily snow was rare in Tokyo, so though brisk, it was still considered mild, so many others joined them, as the pair roamed the streets.
"Would this be considered our first date or our second?" Ren ponders teasingly as they stroll along a busy side street; they are searching for available seats at one of the many Ramen stalls that surround them, a hard task on a Saturday night.
"It may sound silly, but I still like to think of that night as the first. Though we didn't manage to do anything, except for me falling asleep." Ai finds herself laughing at the memory, though she still treasures that night they'd looked at the stars together. Even if it had been a fairly melancholy first date, Ai still cherishes it.
"That was a long while ago now…" She whispers.
"Yeah," Ren replies, "It doesn't feel like it though."
Pausing for a quick moment, allowing a group of hurried people to pass in front of them, Ai gently takes his hand in hers. A significant gesture for her, because she was not fond of public affection, many Japanese people weren't, so the action causes Ren to pause and look down at her.
She merely smiles slightly up at him, saying,
"It will never be enough, time that is… with you."
Ren is so startled by the sincerity of the statement that he merely stands there, looking like a little gapping fish.
They're both so taken with the moment, that neither notices the annoyed and exasperated looks they are collectively receiving, until a seemingly quite drunk man yells out from behind them, "Move along, move along!" Sheepishly they keep moving forward, though Ren keeps hold of her hand, not willing to let it go, now that he has it.
They soon find themselves a place to eat, Ai isn't often hungry, eating was more something to do to pass time. The immortality or suspended mortality, depending on who you asked, Ai considers the reason for her often lack of appetite. But not tonight, as they enter the crowded, stuffy, smoke filled shop, the smell of noodles and delicious Chashu pork cause her to feel ravenous.
Most places had vending machine like selection options for ordering food, this place however was traditional in that ordering at the counter was a requirement. When the owner called out her greeting of, "Irasshaimase!" and came their way, smiling, Ai was the first to order.
In unspoken agreement, they pay separately for their own bowls, Ren wouldn't have minded paying, but her sense of pride seemed effected whenever he'd offered in the past.
So Ren lets it be, he knows that dependency was still hard for her to fully grasp. She was also extremely independent and very stubborn, traits which showed through the small things she could control in her life.
That was also it too; Ren considers as he takes out a pair of chopsticks, she needed what little autonomy she possessed. If that meant paying for her own food, then so be it.
"Itadakimasu." They say the common phrase almost as one, once their noodles arrive.
The meal was nothing less than delicious.
"Come!" Ren's voice is as excited as Ai's ever heard it.
"Where?" Her voice by comparison is as skeptical as ever.
"This way… Yes, it's just down here I think…"
"No." Her voice is stern as he stops them in front of a dingy looking building.
"Why not?" Ren is sure that he's the one who now whines his words.
"It's Pachinko." Her voice is a deadpan monotone.
"And…?"
"And who has enough money for that? Certainly not us." She sounds exasperated now, like he should know better.
Ignoring her, he replies, "They have a normal arcade upstairs; no gambling what so ever involved, I bet you'd have fun..."
"I am not so sure about this…"
"Please…?"
And damn him, he looks so happy and hopeful, she can feel herself giving in almost instantly and she hates it.
"Just for a bit…"
They end up staying for over two hours, Ai had been nervous initially. She'd been to arcades of course in the past, for investigating clients, but never just for fun, or on a date or with someone she's in love with.
It was like being dropped into complete normality and Ai isn't sure if she's any good at it. She wonders if she's just too removed or damaged for a normal life.
Her worries were soon forgotten though, as Ren oriented her to the different categories and genres of games available to play. It was overwhelming at first, but he was a patient teacher and guided her through the chaos and noise with ease.
She thinks he really would make for a good educator, if life were fair and the way it should be and they were free to make such choices.
They start with Mario Kart and Ai soon gets the hang of it and ends up beating him twice. They moved onto Pac Man then and it's just as fun as the first game, if not more so. They're playing on a two player machine and it's clear by the second round that they are both extremely competitive. Ren soon drags her away from Pac Man when he spots a game called Gunslinger and soon enough they're teaming up to fight off other online players.
Ai struggles with aiming though, so smiling, Ren abandons his own controller and puts his hands over hers, helping her point more accurately at targets. She soon is quite adept at the task though, so Ren returns to his controller. He looks over at one point and sees a sight he won't soon forget; Ai with her serious demeanor and attitude, posing while holding two of her fake guns. She turns the guns sideways and shifts to strike another stance.
Ren is laughing so hard by that point that he nearly drops his own fake guns and almost falls trying to get himself under control.
"What?" Ai says, stoic faced, she looked innocent enough, but he can see something in her expression that gives her away.
They finish off the arcade with a round of Dance Dance Revolution and it's the funniest thing he's ever seen, though Ren always saw Ai as someone who was very elegant and delicate when moving, he learned an interesting fact, she can't dance.
At all.
He nearly falls again, he's laughing so hard.
Rolling her eyes, expression seemingly sardonic, Ai advices him, in her quiet voice, to shut up.
Ren merely grins at her saying, "Don't worry Ai, I'll keep your secret." And then he's laughing again, even harder than before.
"Odd right?" Ren replies, he isn't too concerned though, slow periods of time happened between requests.
"Mm" Ai agrees, with a murmur and nod his way.
They'd been walking for a while, just strolling along alleyways and side streets; it was nearly 2:00 AM and usually by now Ai would be receiving requests. She'd commented as much to Ren, the oddity at the lack, but her concern was batted. Slow times happened and she really didn't care all too much anyways, the night was beautiful and she's glad to spend as much time with him as she can.
They are holding hands again, something about the action appeals so much to Ai; they often don't have a chance to do so. They have to be careful with affection around the others and so much of their time together was spent on investigations and closures of cases, that the small show of caring was very big for them both.
It's most likely around 3:30 AM now and they've settled themselves on a rooftop, in a quieter area of the mega city that was Tokyo. They have both just finished each a Nikuman bun with Chocolate filling, so when Ai leans in and with little hesitation, kisses him, her lips taste sweet and salty.
They stay like that for several moments, the kiss is slow and not at all demanding, asking nothing in return.
"Thank you." Ai whispers to him, as they break away for breathe.
"For what?" Ren asks.
"For this, for all of it, you were right, I had… fun." She grins, which for her meant a slight upturning of her lips. Ren sees it all the same.
"No problem, I did too." He smiles back at her, genuinely happy, for her happiness.
She scoots closer to him, leaning against his side and his arm comes up to wrap around her, as they've done so many times before. They stay like that for a while, just enjoying each other's company and the quiet of the early morning around them.
It's a while later and Ai is wondering how to approach her next words, they need to talk about this and there may not be another time for a while.
Shifting slightly in his grasp, she speaks softly, "We haven't talked about it yet…"
Ren looks down at her, not seeming confused or perplexed in the least, He must be expecting something and maybe he had or was planning to bring it up himself if she didn't.
"Yes?" He prompts her, waiting patiently.
"Well…" Ai feels so unsure and lost; she has no idea how to say what she feels or is wondering. "I know well, it's foolish maybe, but I wondered if you felt as I did, as I do. About it…" She's struggling here and Ai senses that he can tell, but Ren doesn't interrupt, he lets her say what she needs to.
"What we did, how I felt… with you. I… never felt that way before and… I wondered if it was similar for you."
Carefully, Ren tries to organize his words in a way that will be as clear as he can make them.
"Are you asking then, if I enjoyed what we did? Or are you worried that it was just, just for me."
He grins in response to her hesitant nod of assent.
Ren isn't shy and is not one to hesitate on such matters, but even he feels slightly tongue tied with his next words.
"Could you… not… tell?"
Her blush is as good as any verbal reply.
"The way you looked at me…" Ai continues after a moment, voice suddenly soft and gentle "You made me feel like you did. I just… It's not natural to me… anymore… To feel so much."
The humor Ren had felt with her earlier words quickly shifts into something more serious; its empathy now he feels, that makes his chest ache a little for her. He often forgets that she is so new to all of this, not just the physicality, but the feelings associated with such things.
Ren feels suddenly ashamed and carless, he needs to keep her youngness in mind.
"I understand, truly, I do. None of this is easy or simple, for you it seems even more so." He smiles at her then, a soft one, "But about this, you don't need to feel unsure over…" He trails off again, him feeling suddenly exposed and vulnerable in a way he can't quite place or recognize.
"I was there with you Ai… in every sense of the word. Being with you, in any way, is never a just for me. How could it?"
"Why though?" She quietly murmurs back, face still heated.
Ren knows she knows, they've said as much to each other many times before. He answers her anyways though, his resolve for denying her anything she wants all but crumbling instantly.
Damn his lack of will.
"Because you're you and I am very much in love with you. But you already know that, now don't you."
It always comes back to love with them.
"It is never just for me either... with you." Is her answering reply, so soft the wind could've surely stolen the words away, if he hadn't been listening close.
"Glad to hear it…" He whispers back, the words getting lost as he leans in to kiss her.
They stay like that for a few moments, the slight tension that had been between them these past weeks, ever since that day, seeming to drain away as she draws out the embrace for just a few seconds more.
Pulling back, she carefully addresses the other topic they hadn't had the chance to discuss yet. "I am sorry also, for the other day… With that man, I was not thinking… rationally."
Ren considers her for a moment, she isn't the type to apologize or go back on her actions. But he'd seen the way she looked on the boat and… afterwards, like something was eating at her. He can guess at what she's feeling, because he's felt it a hundred, thousand times before.
"You feel guilty." Ren states, he'd meant for his words to come out as a question, but as he watches her face fall, Ren feels that he's hit the nail on the coffin.
Her nod is his only reply and he catches a glimpse of her face, before she can turn away fully. She looks stricken and if he's not mistaken, Ren thinks he sees her lip beginning to tremble. She looks to him suddenly, like a little girl who has just been scolded for doing something, she knows she shouldn't have.
"I was just so angry…" She nearly cries the words.
Moving her close, Ren feels the empathy filling his chest again, he doesn't want her feeling this way, but maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Rocking her small form gently, he says to her quietly, "I've felt as you do… Many times, with how many people I played a part in killing, with no choice in the matter, I very much understand."
She merely sniffles against his shoulder in leu of reply, so he continues.
"It's not an easy feeling to live with, let me tell you. But at least guilt is a good indicator of knowing when we feel we've done something wrong, another kind of moral compass maybe. It's not a feeling I can absolve you of either; no one can, except you. That's the shitiest part about it."
At that last sentence, Ren hears a small laugh from her; it's a sad one, but better than nothing.
"I have to admit though," Ren adds, "I can understand why you're feeling as you do, but truly, for many reasons, that man deserved it and he deserves what he's getting now." He says this into her hair, as his other hand moves to pat her back, trying to comfort.
He can feel her nodding her head, her next words coming out in a miserable whimper, "I know that and I agree, but… well… that doesn't make me feel any better."
Sighing, a smirk lighting his face, Ren replies simply with, "I know you don't, but, well it's the price we pay to feel, I guess and it's the worst part of it all."
Her only reply is another nod against his shoulder and a quiet mumble of, "I suppose you're right."
It's 5:00 AM and the city is just beginning to really stir and wake up around them. They're both tiered now; this is about the time Ai would normally be heading back from a night of requests to sleep.
She leans against him drowsily as they exit the 7-Eleven they'd stopped in to get an Onigiri each for breakfast.
"We should go home…" Ren whispers to her; he doesn't want to, never wantsAi to return there. He wants nothing more than to take her and run for it. But that was an idiotic and frankly suicidal plan. They would have to wait and think of a more sensible option.
Ai can only nod; she's so worn out from the night's events.
She can't remember the last time she's been this busy, not from taking requests, but for pure enjoyment and fun. It leaves her feeling drained and exceptionally happy, all at once.
Sad too, she is also terribly sad.
Her chest feels heavy and her throat too tight, as they depart for the world of her own sinful making.
The quiet is so sudden and intense, that it momentarily shocks them both. The lack of noise and life surrounding them from all sides is suddenly the most suffocating thing in the world.
Ai is holding tight to his hand, her grasp feeling almost too strong and Ren can feel the anxiety rolling off her in waves, as her fingers shake slightly, held in his own.
She is at once, utterly and completely petrified of this place.
They don't speak as they walk in together, no one is about and Ren is fairly sure the absence is intentional. Or maybe the others were just off, enjoying the time for what it was – a needed break. Ai beside him doesn't relax and Ren is quite aware of the reason why, the computer sits, off to the side, but still seemingly the most outstanding feature of the room.
Her shoes are off and they've moved as one onto the soft Tatami floor. Ai's hand is still clutched with his; an action she would never continue, in this over quiet, carful world. But with her sole focus on the computer and what she could see their, Ren assumes that she has merely forgotten the contact.
He doesn't remind her.
Seeming in a state of heavy anxiety, Ai starts for the computer, Ren following close behind, her silent and observant pursuer. They move as one, when she sits at eye level with the screen, he does too. When a sigh of relief escapes her firm mouth, Ren relaxes along with her.
She soon is on her feet again, doing various little things; greeting her Grandma, putting away a stray book, storing a forgotten toy of Kikuri's. Through all this she's mindlessly led him with her, an odd kind of one-sided mirrored dance emerging between them.
Ren has never used his abilities to look in on her, never spied, beyond what was needed for a request. Even if he had wanted to, Ren is quite sure Ai would see such actions as a breach of trust. He thinks that this might be the closest he'll ever get to observing her without her knowing, when Ren can see her as she naturally is, without reserve.
But of course the spell is inevitably broken when she stops rather suddenly and as a result, Ren nearly collides with her. Looking up, gaze focused on him once more, Ai merely offers him a small trace of a smile, a gift in its own right.
[お帰りなさい.] "Welcome back." Ren greets her, a light tease sprinkling his words.
Blushing, looking almost sheepish, Ai turns from him, her hand starting to untangle frim his as she whispers, "Sorry, I got distracted…"
Stepping nearer Ren carefully keeps hold of her retreating fingers, saying as he does so, "Oh its fine, it was nice really, to see you that way…"
Eyebrow raised, Ai looks genuinely confused as she turns to reply, "To see me distracted?"
"No." He murmurs, laughing a bit as he crouches down to better meet her gaze, "No, not that, it's seeing you with no guard up."
"Oh." She is at once surprised and intrigued.
"Why?"
"Because," he goes on, "You're so reserved sometimes, so tied up in your own mind, that even with me, you seem still afraid or withdrawn maybe."
She looks as if she is nearly offended, no aggravated, as she once again starts to retreat from him.
"What should I be then? What would you have me be?" Ai can be good at hiding her feelings, but Ren is good at sorting her out, so he can see the hurt reflected in the seemingly flippant way she speaks her words.
Ren speaks his next words softly, quietly, letting his heart do the talking.
"Anything you want; however, you want to feel, is how you should feel. Without fear…"
At his words, Ai finally turns back to face him. She looks deeply pained as she carefully reaches out to entwine their fingers together again.
Her sigh is that of someone who has lived through far too many tragedies. "It isn't that simple though; I can never be not afraid, not ever. Not until… well something gives."
"Why?" Ren is now the one confused and unsure.
"Because," She goes on, "I have you now and I am terrified of losing you."
"Oh…"
"Precisely."
"I'm sorry Ai, I only meant…"
"I know what you meant, it's alright."
They're standing close together again, her hand reaching high up to caress his cheek, his skin soft and inviting to her cool touch.
"I want this, with you, to be… open." She squeezes his hand for emphasis, "Fear is a powerful beast and I do not know how to… tame it. But… I will try, for you, to not let it steal my sense."
She leans into him then, pulling at his jacket, brining him down to her level and carefully allows herself to kiss him. They are in an open part of the room, no screen to hide them, no resistance on her part at the display they are making.
It may be silly of her, but the rebellion, small as it is, sends a thrill into the kiss that she's never experienced, not in this way. They stay that way, her hands of their own accord reaching up to wrap around his neck.
She doesn't want to pull away, never wants that, but the exhaustion that she's kept at bay, suddenly starts to cloud her mind.
It's been a very long night.
"You're tiered."
They are sitting together on the floor now, her head cradled in his hands. They are both out of breath, the moment equally as intense for both of them.
He kisses her once more, soft and sweet this time, as he makes to stand, to leave her, "Rest now."
"No!" The word escapes her lips as her hand reaches out, grabbing at his retreating one.
She must still be feeling brave after all.
"No?"
"Stay with me…" She whispers, "I do not… want to be without you."
A brave confession indeed.
"If you insist." His smile and the look of relief in his gaze, gives Ai the last big of courage she needs, to stand and pull him up with her.
She's never had anyone to share a futon with before, never imagined she'd share a bed with someone, in this way. Not with the intent of physicality, but just to sleep together. It was both an innocent thing and very intimate, because well, she's allowing him into her bed.
Little actions become charged, as she takes off items of unneeded clothing; her socks, jacket and even letting her hair down, are now unfamiliar, as Ai is keenly aware of his gaze on her.
Ren's held her a thousand times before, feels as if he was always meant to do so, but this feels new, they have to find the best way to settle together, he has to learn how to hold her best in sleep.
Ai is worried about trivial things as she gently lays down across from him; she wonders if she does human like things when she sleeps. Does she droll? Does he snore? Will she not be able to sleep with another person so close?
It's an adjustment, but eventually they find comfort with each other; her head resting against his chest, listening to his heart and Ren with an arm draped across her waist. The room is oddly peaceful, the whir of her Grandmother's wheel, seeming softer and less intruding than normal. A feeling of serenity filling the space around them instead.
Ai wonders how much her Grandma knows…
They are both truly spent, but they find themselves talking quietly about the night and what this new day might bring. "I did not… want to come back either." Ai pauses in her reply to his similar statement. She yawns and allows herself to snuggle closer into him.
Ai is suddenly sick of her own voice, wants nothing more than to fall asleep with him near.
"Sleep." Ren says to her once more, taking the thought right out of her head, an exasperated smile lighting his face.
She merely nods against his chest, the fabric of his shirt smelling of cleanness, a clear surrender on her part.
Kissing the top of her head, Ren is quick to bring her close, he isn't planning to let her go.
Ever.
"I'll be here when you wake."
And he is.
AN: Sorry for the long wait! So much has happened since I last updated, I really wanted to take my time with this one, it's been therapeutic to write during all this. Fluff is never bad! Especially during these crazy times. I hope you all are safe and healthy. Hopefully this can be a reprieve for someone who needs a break from the world. (:
This was one of my favorite chapters to write, it felt good to write in a more laid-back style then we've been getting here as of late. These poor characters man, they need the break well they can get it. (Sorry in advance for future chapters Ai/Ren.)
Be well and see you next time!
Mia