TW: self-harm, suicidal ideation
Previous Chapter Summary: Sirius and Remus go back to work. Albus checks on Harry and has an important conversation with him. Harry panics.
Chapter Summary: Harry has a hard time. Remus and Sirius talk to comes to a realization about Occlumency.
YOU ARE LOVED
When Harry awoke, he panicked momentarily, but quickly relaxed when he saw Remus and Padfoot with him. Harry remembered what happened and hugged Padfoot close to him.
"Harry, how are you feeling?" Remus asked softly.
Harry shrugged.
"When you're ready to talk, we'll be here for you."
Harry remembered that he regressed and blushed. He never knew how to approach that with his parents, but he knew that they were so supportive and were happy to help him.
After a couple of minutes, Harry lifted his head up.
"I'm, uh, back to myself," he said.
"How are you feeling?" Remus asked again.
"Embarrassed."
"Why?" Remus asked gently.
"I panicked in front of all my friends and Dumbledore. And then I know I, y'know, and uh just couldn't handle being around so many people talking about Horcruxes."
"Harry, I've said it before and I'll say it again. There is nothing wrong with regressing. Some people do it voluntarily and for others it happens involuntarily. It's a way people process their trauma sometimes and it is all okay. We're always here for you."
Harry blushed again, but didn't say anything except, "Thank you."
"As for your friends, you were put in a very uncomfortable situation and you weren't prepared. I have heard what happened and none of it was fair to you."
"But my friends!" Harry protested. "They all saw!"
"I've talked to them and all of them were concerned for you. No one judged you. They care about you."
"What about Dumbledore?"
"I haven't talked to him yet. I need some time to gather my thoughts," Remus said carefully.
Harry knew that meant that Albus was in some shit, but he didn't seem to care.
"How else are you feeling?" Remus asked.
Harry thought for a moment before saying, "Fragile? I think? I hate using that word but it's the only word that fits how I'm feeling right now. I just feel like I'm going to break if I have to deal with something else."
"That's completely understandable," Remus affirmed.
"What am I supposed to do?" Harry asked Remus, a bit fearfully.
"You don't have to do anything, Harry. Take your time to recover and when you're ready, you can go back to classes."
"I can't keep missing them!" Harry insisted.
"You're still doing your work and Dadfoot and I are helping you with what you don't understand. Your health and safety come first, Harry."
Harry rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. "What about you two?"
"We'll take it one day at a time," Remus told Harry.
Harry nodded and grabbed Prongs who was next to him and started to pull on his antlers.
"Harry, what are you worrying about?" Remus asked gently.
"Nothing," Harry lied.
"Harry, I know you're nervous or worrying about something. Please, let me help."
"I just want to go back to sleep," Harry admitted.
"Love…" Remus began.
"It's fine!" Harry said, not even thinking about his words.
"Harry, what's bothering you?" Remus asked, taking a step toward his son.
Harry didn't know what wasn't bothering him. He was still distressed about everything that happened with his friends and Albus, and Albus' conversation with him before all that weighed heavy on him. However, he didn't want to talk about it right now. He wanted to go to sleep. He wanted to get away from everything. At the same time, Harry didn't want to go to sleep because he didn't want to have a nightmare. He just wanted to escape.
Harry felt himself pull harder on the antlers of his stuffie. He didn't know what to say or do.
"Harry, you're safe here," Remus reassured him, seeing him begin to spiral.
Harry dropped Prongs and started to grab at his hair and pull. He needed a distraction, something to help calm him down.
"No, Harry," Remus said.
Harry still didn't stop.
"Harry, please don't hurt yourself," Remus said.
Harry kept yanking at his hair and he eventually felt Remus' hands gently take his own hands out of his hair.
Harry let out a frustrated whine. He couldn't get the words out. He didn't even know what he was trying to express.
"Harry, talk to me. What's going through your mind right now?" Remus asked.
Harry just shook his head.
"Please, Cub. I can see you're struggling. How can I help?"
Sirius, who was still Padfoot, was easily able to hear the conversation and sense the energy in the room. He made himself comfortable on Harry's lap, hoping it would help.
For the first time in months, Harry felt actively suicidal. He didn't have the means or the opportunity, but he felt trapped. He couldn't hurt himself, but he needed to get away from all of this. He needed his escape. Upon realizing that, Harry burst into tears, not knowing how to express any of this.
"Cubby, what is it?" Remus pleaded.
Remus could tell that Harry needed some help calming down.
"Harry, I'm going to get a calming drought for you, alright?"
Harry didn't respond.
"Padfoot, watch him," Remus said as he released Harry's hands.
Harry immediately went back to pulling at his hair, hard.
Padfoot raised a paw up to try and stop him, but it was hard without thumbs.
Padfoot hopped off of Harry (which made it worse without having that weight and pressure grounding him) and turned into Sirius and tried to remove Harry's hands from his hair.
"Pup, no, don't."
Sirius successfully was able to remove one hand from Harry's hair, but couldn't get the other one since he was holding down the first one.
"Remus!" Sirius called.
Remus knew that Harry probably wasn't being kind to himself. He quickly grabbed the potion, relocked the cabinet, and hurried to Harry's room.
He set down the potion on his desk and went to remove the other hand from Harry's hair.
Harry whined and tried to grab at his hair again, but Remus and Sirius were holding strong.
"Harry, take some breaths," Remus said, trying to help him calm down.
No such luck.
Remus grabbed the other hand of Harry's and used his werewolf strength to hold them both down.
"Sirius, grab the potion."
Sirius quickly got the potion and was about to open Harry's mouth and tip it back, but Remus said, "One sec."
Remus does not believe in giving someone medicine without their consent so he wanted to explain what was going on.
Remus turned to Harry now. "Harry, we're going to give you a calming drought, okay? You're hurting yourself and not stopping. We need you to calm down so you don't hurt yourself."
Harry whined again. He didn't know what to do. He wasn't panicking, but he also was a danger to himself.
Before Harry could open his mouth, he immediately felt calmer and realized they spelled it in his stomach. It wasn't as effective, but it did the trick.
Harry stopped fighting Remus and Sirius' hands and instead went deeper into bed and pulled the covers up.
"Harry, what's going on?" Remus asked.
"Can I be alone?" Harry asked.
Sirius looked at Remus incredulously at Harry's question, but Remus wasn't deterred. "You wouldn't stop hurting yourself. We can't leave you alone right now until we know what's going on."
Harry whined.
Sirius popped back into Padfoot and made his way back on the bed, hoping Harry would accept the comfort.
Harry ignored the nudging of Padfoot and eventually Sirius popped back into himself.
"We're not going to rush you, Harry. We're here when you're ready to talk," Remus said patiently.
"I don't know what to even say," Harry mumbled from under the covers.
"Why were you hurting yourself?" Remus asked.
"I needed the distraction. I need it!" Harry came out from under the covers and looked at Remus pleadingly. "Please let me hurt myself. I need to!"
"A distraction from what?" Remus asked.
"My brain. My life. Please!"
"Harry, this will pass. We're going to work through this without you further harming yourself. You tried harming yourself and it wasn't taking care of the issue. Hurting yourself again won't solve this problem," Remus explained.
Harry groaned and went back under the covers. He started to scratch the arm that was not wrapped in a bandage.
Sirius could see the movement from under the covers and pulled them back and grabbed Harry's hands. Harry yanked them out of Sirius' grasp but didn't go back to hurting himself. He sat up, pulled the covers up, and twisted his hands.
"Harry, what do you mean you needed a distraction from your brain and life?" Remus asked.
"It's all too much. I can't find peace anywhere, even in my sleep. I'm sorry Moony Da and Dadfoot, but I need to get out!"
An alarm went off in Remus' mind. He knew what Harry meant.
"I can see that you're having some really big feelings right now, and I'm sure it's scary."
Harry nodded.
"How did you get there, Harry? What made you come to that conclusion?"
Harry's eyes welled up with tears again. He felt a wave of panic, but it quickly subsided thanks to the potion.
"We can't help you if we don't know," Sirius said gently.
Harry wanted to escape so badly but he saw his parents looking at him so lovingly and patiently and caved, thanks to the calming drought.
"I have nightmares so I don't have an escape when I sleep. Being awake is too much. People are too much right now. Voldemort is too much. There's no place on this Earth that I can escape my thoughts when they're like this. Well, the waterfall helps, but I know that's out of the question right now. And Dumbledore and I talked before we left. I asked him about the Horcruxes and when I'm going to destroy the next one and y'know what he said? He said it was probably going to be during the final battle. I panicked and told him that I wasn't ready and he said he'd be there with me, but this is too much! I don't want to do any of this. I don't want my thoughts in my head. I just want to get out of here!"
Remus and Sirius were both happy that Harry finally opened up, but they were taken aback at what he said. They weren't expecting the final battle to be brought up.
"Harry, we still have time before that happens."
"How do you know? He's a fucking murderer for Merlin's sake! How can you tell when he's going to strike?"
Remus ignored the curse word and said, "Harry, do you honestly think the battle is going to happen tomorrow?"
"No," Harry admitted.
"We are still preparing. And if you think you're alone in that, you're not. Dadfoot and I will be right at your side for as long as we can."
"How can I stop these thoughts, then? What am I supposed to do?"
"We can work through them together. You're not alone in any of this," Remus said.
So that's what they did. Remus and Sirius talked to Harry for over an hour, helping him process his thoughts and emotions.
Harry still didn't feel great when they were done, but he certainly didn't feel suicidal anymore, which he made clear when Remus asked how he was feeling.
"I'm doing better. I'm still not good or anything but I don't feel the need to, y'know, off myself."
"That's good," Remus praised with a warm smile.
"I'm tired again, though."
"That's understandable. Do you want to stay here or move to our bed?" Remus asked.
Harry knew that his parents would be much more comfortable in bed rather than on the chairs in his room. Besides, his parents' bed was really comfortable.
"We can go," Harry said.
"Splendid," Remus said. He helped the shaky teen out of bed. He walked him to the bedroom and Harry got situated in the middle of their bed and Remus and Sirius got on each side of him.
"We've got you, Harry," Sirius said.
Harry did feel better after getting the thoughts out and the calming drought was still in his system, so he didn't have too much trouble falling asleep, knowing that his parents would be beside him, no matter what.
Remus and Sirius stayed with Harry for the rest of that day and the day after that. On Wednesday, Harry was feeling well enough for them to go back to work.
"Are you sure?" Sirius asked that morning.
"Yes, I'm sure. I did well yesterday, you know that."
"You did. I'm just making sure."
"And you know we're only a Patronus away," Remus said.
"I know."
Both men kissed Harry on the head and then Remus said, "We're going to have Minerva stay with you in the afternoon some, alright?"
"Sure," Harry agreed. "But I'm not going anywhere this time."
"You don't have to at all. We've made it very clear."
"Good."
Remus and Sirius were having Minerva stay with Harry while they talked to Albus, but they didn't want to worry Harry with that knowledge just yet.
"We'll be checking on you throughout the day," Remus reminded Harry.
"I know. I'll be good, I promise. I know I can get either of you if I need you. Now get to work before you're late!"
Sirius ruffled Harry's hair and he and Remus both walked out.
Harry was doing much better than he was on Monday and the attention and care he got yesterday helped.
Harry let out a breath when he heard the door close and he went back under the covers to go back to sleep as it was still early.
Harry had a nightmare that caused him to wake up, which bothered him. He still kind of wanted to hurt himself, but he did homework instead.
Harry skipped lunch, which he knew his parents wouldn't appreciate. He started on his History essay shortly after what would have been his lunch time.
He grumbled as he did it, knowing his own father would probably give him an O, anyway, due to the circumstances surrounding Harry right now.
Later in the afternoon, Minerva knocked on the door and came through.
"Harry, how are you?" She asked, sitting on the chair by his desk.
"I'm okay," Harry said, shrugging.
"Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"Not really. It's just been a lot the past couple of weeks. I'm tired of the trauma."
"I completely understand. How can I best support you right now?"
"Can you help me with my Transfiguration homework?" Harry asked sheepishly.
"Of course," Minerva said.
So the two of them worked on Transfiguration homework, and only took a quick break when Harry needed 15 minutes to rest.
Meanwhile, Sirius and Remus were entering Dumbledore's office, trying to stay calm.
"Remus, Sirius. Thank you for coming."
Sirius gave a curt nod and Remus gave a polite smile.
"Now, we are here to talk about what happened with Harry," Dumbledore began.
"Yes. We'd like to hear your point of view before we talk."
Dumbledore nodded. "I knew Harry had been feeling poorly and I wanted to do something that could cheer him up. I know I've heard you, Remus, talk about how being with friends releases… what's it called? Indoor fish?"
"Endorphins," Remus supplied.
"Ah, that. I had no idea that it was going to trigger him or cause a panic attack. I honestly just wanted to do something nice for him."
"We appreciate that Albus, we do. I know for a fact that I told you to keep it casual and easy," Remus said.
"I thought being with friends was easy," Albus replied.
Remus sighed and Sirius spoke up. "You started to talk to the students about the Horcruxes. That pushed Harry over the edge. Why did you do that?
"I thought it would be nice for him to have some support from his friends."
"Albus," Remus sighed. "We know you only have good intentions when it comes to Harry's wellbeing, but the way you are executing it is hurting him."
"I never meant to hurt him."
"We know that. However, Harry is still fragile. He knows the final battle is coming up, and we know you've talked to him about that as well. He has a lot on his mind and needs all the support he can get without it being overbearing or overwhelming."
"What can I do then?"
"Well, you can ask us what Harry needs, or, better yet, ask Harry himself. If you're not sure, you can double-check it with us."
"I really am sorry for hurting him."
"We know Albus," Remus said.
What Remus and Sirius weren't telling him is that Harry won't be alone with Albus for long periods of time for the foreseeable future, except for a lesson or two. They knew this information would hurt him deeply so they didn't see any point in sharing it with him.
"Thank you for sitting down with me. I'll see you both and Harry at supper?"
"We might eat in our quarters. It's whatever Harry prefers," Remus said.
Albus nodded and said goodbye to both of them as they walked out.
"I've got a few more things to take care of before heading back to the quarters," Sirius said.
"Take your time. I'll go to Harry and Minerva now," Remus said.
The two kissed and went their separate ways.
Once he got to the quarters, Remus walked into Harry's room and smiled at Minerva and Harry.
"How has everything gone?" Remus asked.
"Oh, it's been lovely. We've been working on Transfiguration homework. Harry's been doing a fantastic job," Minerva said.
Harry grumbled and blushed, but didn't say anything.
"Thank you, Minerva, for staying with him for a while."
"Certainly. It was my pleasure."
Minerva turned to Harry now. "Finish up your homework before next week. I'll check on you over the weekend." She kissed his head and walked out of the room.
"I'll be back in just a moment, Cub," Remus said, following out his former professor.
Remus softly shut the door behind him and set up a silencing charm before he spoke. "How was he?"
"He seemed tired, like he was fighting sleep. His mood seemed okay, but I'm not sure if he was masking his true emotions or not."
"Thank you, Minerva," Remus said.
He hugged her goodbye and watched her leave before taking down the silencing charm and going back into Harry's room.
"How're you feeling, Cub?"
Harry shrugged.
"Have you gotten some rest?"
"Some," Harry replied.
"What did you have for lunch?" Remus asked.
Harry stayed quiet.
"Harry, did you eat lunch?" Remus asked knowingly.
Harry paused, but then shook his head.
"Why not?"
"I wasn't hungry."
"Are you hungry now?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head.
"Did something happen earlier?" Remus asked.
Harry looked up at Remus and saw the same kind and patient face that he always saw. He sighed and said, "I had a nightmare earlier. It bothered me."
"I can understand that completely. What was it about?"
Harry sighed again. "Do you remember how we talked about those nightmares that I had before? The ones where you and Dadfoot would say those horrible things to me?"
Remus nodded.
"It was one of those."
"I'm so sorry, Cub. You haven't had one of those in a while, have you?"
Harry shook his head.
"Dadfoot and I love you so, so much, Harry," Remus said lovingly, putting a hand through Harry's hair.
"Yeah, I know," Harry replied dutifully. He really did know that his parents loved him, even if sometimes he had a hard time fully believing it.
"Do you want to hurt yourself right now?" Remus asked after studying Harry's face.
Harry nodded, ashamed.
"There is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm proud of you for being honest with me. Is there a coping skill you want to try?" Remus asked.
"I just want to stay here."
"Then I'll stay with you. Scootch over," Remus said.
Harry moved and soon felt the bed sag more when Remus laid down. Harry curled up into his dad and closed his eyes.
"I've got you, Cub. You're safe with me," Remus murmured, kissing Harry's head.
They stayed there a long time. Harry eventually fell asleep again. A nightmare woke him up, but Remus was right there to calm him down.
Remus was concerned when the nightmare woke Harry up. He knew what needed to happen, but he wasn't sure how to talk to Harry about it. Remus didn't need to worry long however because Harry brought it up on his own.
"Moony Da?"
"Yes, Love?" Remus responded.
"I have been having a ton of nightmares lately. More than I ever had."
"I know," Remus replied sympathetically.
"I know we've been doing Occlumency sporadically but I think I need it again on a regular schedule."
"I agree. How do you feel about that?" Remus asked.
"Well, it's a little nerve wracking, but I'm ready for it. I do have a request, though."
"Go for it," Remus said, encouraging him to continue speaking.
"I want it to just be Snape and I again."
Remus wasn't expecting this but kept his face neutral. "Are you sure?"
Harry nodded. "I've been getting too worried about you and Dadfoot both during these sessions. I want it to be private and not share everything with you."
"That's understandable," Remus said.
"Thank you for understanding. Do you think Dadfoot will understand, too?"
"I think he will understand, it will just take a lot of convincing."
"Yeah, I can see that," Harry said.
"When do you think these should start, Harry?" Remus asked.
"Soon. I need to ask Professor Snape when he can do it."
"He is free most nights, Harry. I'm asking when you want to start."
"Uh," Harry said. "Probably the end of this week. It'll give me a few days to get back into routine. Friday or Saturday night."
"We would still like it if you spent the night here after your session."
"I understand. I can do that," Harry said.
Just then, the door opened. "I'm home!" Sirius called out.
"I'll go talk to him now," Remus said. He kissed Harry's head and got out of the bed and went to greet his husband.
"Hello, Love," Remus said when he saw Sirius.
"Remus!" Sirius said, smiling. It had been less than two hours and yet he was so happy to see his kissed his husband and looked toward Harry's door.
"Harry's in there?"
"Yes," Remus said.
Sirius took a step to go say hello to his son, but Remus stopped him.
"Before you go in there's something we need to talk about first."
"Is Harry okay?" Sirius asked, concerned.
"Yes, Harry is okay. It's something he asked me to talk to you about."
"Okay," Sirius said. "What is it?"
"He had another nightmare earlier."
"Poor Pup," Sirius commented.
Remus nodded, agreeing. "He thinks it's time to start up Occlumency again on a regular basis, not just the few sessions we've had."
"That probably is a good idea. What about how he feels about Severus?"
"He's been working on forgiving him and has come a long way. I think he's ready for this," Remus said.
"Well, we'll be there to support him," Sirius said.
"We will always support him, Siri, but we won't be with Harry during the lesson."
"What?" Sirius asked.
"Harry would like to be alone with Severus during these."
"Why? What if something goes wrong?" Sirius asked.
"Severus is trained to handle it. Harry will still be spending the night here after the lesson."
"I don't know, Moony," Sirius said.
"I know it's something big to swallow, but Harry requested it and I think we owe it to him to set his own parameters. If something happens we can pull back the reins, but let's give him a chance."
Sirius sighed. "You're right. I just don't want to see him get hurt."
"I know. He's strong, Sirius. He can do this."
When they were done talking, Sirius and Remus went back into Harry's room.
"Hi, Pup. How're you doing?" Sirius asked.
"I'm doing okay. I got some rest," Harry said.
"I'm so glad to hear that," Sirius said. "Moony Da says that you want to start regular Occlumency again. I, of course, support you wholeheartedly."
"Thanks, Dadfoot," Harry said, releasing a breath he didn't know he was holding.
"I'm always here for you. Now, tell me about your day," Sirius said, sitting on the edge of his bed and smiling.
Sirius and Harry continued to talk until it was dinner time and the family of three ate in the Marauder Quarters.
—-
Harry did go back to school the next day. He luckily had History of Magic, so Sirius checked on him then.
"Are you doing alright today? I know you had Charms and this class today," Sirius said when everyone had left the room.
"Yeah. I'm tired. I also know I need to talk to Snape and I'm dreading that."
"Do you want one of us to go with you?"
"Nah, I'll be okay," Harry insisted.
"I'm here if you need anything, alright?" Sirius asked, looking into Harry's eyes.
"I know. Love you, Dadfoot."
"I love you, too," Sirius said, giving Harry a hug.
Harry ate lunch after that before gathering all his Gryffindor courage to go and talk to Snape.
Harry made his way down to the dungeons before knocking on Snape's office door.
"Come in," Snape said, his voice almost menacing.
Harry took a deep breath and entered.
Severus was surprised to see Harry but kept his face neutral. He waited until the door was shut and set up a silencing charm.
"Mr. Potter, Harry," he amended."What can I help you with?"
"I wanted to talk to you about Occlumency lessons," Harry said.
"What about them?"
"I think we need to do them regularly again, starting this week."
Severus kept a mask of indifference despite his continuing surprise. "Why?"
Harry looked down. "My nightmares have been getting real bad. I have them basically every night. I need to do something."
"I see," Severus said, assessing Harry. "Has anyone made you come here?"
"No, Sir. This was my idea. I told my parents that something needed to be done and they agreed with me. Are-are you okay with it?"
"Of course. I am here to help you," Snape said smoothly.
"There's another thing," Harry said.
"Oh?"
"I want it to be private. Just me and you. In your office or quarters or whatever."
"And your parents have agreed to this?"
"Yeah they have," Harry replied honestly.
Severus leaned back in his chair and looked at the Gryffindor. Harry tried not to squirm under the scrutinous look.
"Friday night. My quarters. 7 pm. Be there."
"Yes, sir. Thank you!" Harry said.
He lingered for a moment before hurrying out. Harry gasped for air as he left.
"Harry, you good?" Draco asked. He was walking to his quarters and saw his friend panting.
"Yeah. Just had a talk with Snape. Everything went well but it's still a lot."
"He can be a lot, that's for sure," Draco said, glancing at the door. "C'mon. Let's go hang out."
So the two of them went off and talked and played games until supper time, acting like normal teenage boys. At least some things stayed the same.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200
Australia: 13 11 14