Chapter 36

If you have to hurt me, hurt me once
If you have to end it, get it done
You have all these choices, I have none
You're all that I have to lose
Couldn't hurt you if I wanted to
I've decided on you —Hurt Me Once, Ben Platt

Bella

This was unchartered territory for me, unchartered territory for us. Moving the phone away from my ear, I needed to take a calming breath to disguise my uneasiness and insecurity before I asked him who else would be there.

"Peter. He's someone I told you about, and his girlfriend, I suppose. And maybe some of the other guys. I don't know. Why? What's the big deal?"

Really, Jake? A double date was the big deal.

"Bells. Come on now. You're the one who suggested that I go. I didn't even want to at first."

But you do now because Charlotte is picking you up?

It was maddening how he spun it around on me by reminding me I urged him to go. If I'd known the most important detail, maybe I wouldn't have been so encouraging. But it wasn't as if I had to twist his arm in the first place. Who did he think he was fooling?

Regarding this development, if there was a correct form of behavior to display or an appropriate way to handle the situation, I wished someone would have shared it with me. How was I supposed to react?

"Bella?"

"What?" I snapped by accident.

"I don't know what you're thinking. But there's nothing going on between me and Charlotte. We're just friends. What more do I have to say?"

I didn't know the answer to that question. I only knew that I didn't want him to go, but I didn't want to have to ask him not to. I just wanted him to know it already.

"Besides, you went with that guy, Eric, to Seattle last weekend and hung out."

A new science exhibit had just premiered at the Pacific Science Center. Eric was a science geek, so he and I hopped the ferry to Seattle to go see it. I'd known Eric for years; seeing new exhibits together was sort of our thing. Was this what this was about? "Yes, but that was different."

"How so?"

"Because Eric and I really are friends and..."

"And what?" Fury saturated his tone. "I'm lying?"

Startled by his outburst, it seemed necessary to choose my words carefully, like if I said the wrong thing, a simple flame of misunderstanding would burst into a huge angry fire consuming both of us. "I'm not saying you're lying, Jake. I'm just saying you've never mentioned her before."

"What was there to mention?"

His snarly response infuriated me. "I don't know. You tell me!" Our conversation was spinning out of control, which was strange. If there was nothing going on and it was no big deal, then why was he so defensive about it?

"Do you not want me to go, or what?"

I would have loved to give my honest answer. But it wasn't up to me if he went or not, and I would not make that decision for him. It struck a nerve he placed me in such a predicament, a predicament that had me feeling so mentally and emotionally unsure of myself I couldn't decide which way to turn. "Go... It's okay."

"It doesn't sound okay."

It wasn't the words he spoke so much, as it was the tone he used that I didn't like. He sounded irritated and argumentative. What was he trying to do? Get me to beg him to go? Send him off with my blessing? My voice rose. "What do you want to hear from me, Jake?"

His voice rose in return. "I want to hear that you believe me when I say there's nothing going on."

Frustrated, I sighed. "Maybe you shouldn't have tried to hide it then."

"I didn't hide it!" Then he just got cruel. "But you know what? It doesn't matter what you think, anyway. I decided I'm going. I'm getting out of the house, going somewhere besides the gym for once."

What could I say to that? My thumb hovered over the end-call button of the cell phone as I considered hanging up on him, wishing I were speaking to him on the wall phone so it would create a louder bang if I did. I'm not sure if it was the level of exasperation I was experiencing or just the instinct to hit back, but out popped. "Go! I don't care! We're not a couple anyway, remember?"

I could feel the powerful blow I delivered in the air of silence that followed for a few strained seconds afterward. Although he didn't agree with my suggestion way back when I made it, he didn't disagree. He more like avoided the subject altogether. But it didn't change that fact. It was wrong for me to seize that moment and sling it at him like it was a weapon, but I felt a satisfaction in knowing I pissed him off the way he pissed me off.

"Not this shit again," he murmured, asking in an irate tone, "Are you serious, Bella? Because it sure as shit felt like it to me." Click. He was gone.

I almost screamed as I flung the cell phone on my bed. The nerve of him to throw the time he spent training in my face. I wasn't the person who locked him in the gym all summer. He did that to himself. I considered calling him back, but I wasn't sure why. I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue arguing with him or to make up with him, or if it was just to ask him not to go. Feeling indecisive, I squashed the urge.

He didn't call me back like I hoped. After an hour went by, I assumed he was already out with Charlotte. I dug deep into my pride to dull the searing ache in my chest, letting it grow until it swallowed my hurting and made me so angry, nobody could pay me to speak to him.

I abruptly woke during the night with thoughts of him swirling in my head, stripped naked of my pride. All that was left was an awful, empty loneliness. Curling up on my side, I pulled the blankets up to my neck and stared at the glowing red numbers on my alarm clock. It was almost midnight.

I wondered where he was and what he was doing. I wondered if he was home yet. I wondered if he had a good time. I wondered how much of a good time. I wondered if hanging out with Charlotte was worth our fight about it. I wondered somuch and so graphically I made myself cry.

Why couldn't I just give him what he wanted? Why couldn't I just believe him? I answered my own question. It was because I was afraid to play the fool again. I didn't fully trust Jacob, because I never understood what went wrong the first time we broke up. I'd wanted to support him through his ordeal so much that I got jealous over his friendship with another girl. Because she had more opportunity than me to be there for him. That's why I freaked out the way I did.

Sifting carefully through the fight, I presumed, sent Jacob running off to spend time with her while in such a furious-at-me state of mind, I realized what a stupid mistake I made. I left the door opened for him to find something with her. Possibly comfort, a friendship, a connection, and—most threateningly of all—a stress free fun time for comparison to our stressful situation, which might cause him to realize the unhappiness and the loneliness of our relationship.

I used to think the phrase "it's complicated" that I'd often heard on television and movies and read in books, used to describe someone's romantic relationship issues, was such a copout. I told myself or, more accurately, the character I yelled at in my head. "What's so complicated? Just tell him (or her) the truth about what you really think and how you really feel."

What a hypocrite.

I had determined people made situations way more difficult than they needed to be, and they were the ones who brought on all of their own problems. And all they needed to do to "un-complicate it" was to speak the truth.

Easier said than done.

Lying awake, tossing and turning over our relationship and the kaleidoscope of emotions and thoughts forming and reforming, I found a new respect and understanding for the phrase "it's complicated."

I thought I had a sound plan when I decided it was best for us to end things once he left. Ending it was supposed to guard against a day like this. A day when our relationship might seem too challenging to continue. It was meant to provide us a way out without destroying us forever.

I arrived at the idea by seeing how much closer Emmett and Rosalie became once they broke up. He ran into her one day at the gas station when she was in town to see her grandparents. They struck up a conversation, and it led to a new beginning, this time without placing themselves under the boundaries of a typical boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. They didn't label themselves boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. By not doing so, they removed the stresses of carrying on long-distance. They considered themselves close friends. But they were more than close friends. They were, for lack of better words and as Jasper often teased Emmett about whenever she was in town, earning himself slugs in the arm, friends with benefits.

Though a crude name, implying a detached, emotionless relationship of a purely sexual nature, I didn't view theirs to be that way. The benefits I witnessed and considered impressive were how much more often they made time to see each other than they did when they were going out. How they were always eager to share their most important accomplishments with one another. They spoke often, and when they couldn't, it didn't threaten their relationship. According to Emmett, they both understood that the other had a life that sometimes took them away.

That sounded sad when I first heard it, but I never saw Emmett sad about it. Emmett dated sometimes, and I didn't think he ever cheated with Rosalie on whoever he was seeing; yet I knew if Rosalie were in Forks, he'd be with her. Maybe I over-romanticized, but it seemed as if no other girl or guy could truly come between them. Because they were the other's first choice; given more workable circumstances, they'd have a committed and monogamous relationship, because they loved each other more than they liked anyone else. I supposed time would truly tell.

What I didn't know was how they managed. Were there certain subjects off limits for discussion? Did they tell each other when or if someone else entered the picture? If so, did it hurt? Or did they just drift apart when those times occurred, sensing it from the other's behavior and just letting it be?

I could have asked Emmett those questions. But that would have invited him into my relationship with Jacob. I knew better than to do that. I hoped Jacob and I could figure it out together, but he never gave me the opportunity to discuss what I had in mind when I tried to talk about it. He just told me it was up to me.

If I didn't know him better, I might have assumed Jacob left the decision to me because he didn't care either way. But I knew how much he cared. He didn't want to talk about it because he didn't want it to end. I think I enjoyed that knowledge. No, I loved that knowledge. That's why I allowed us to continue, against my better judgment.

Big mistake.

Left to my own devices, I created a catastrophe. No wonder Jacob got so pissed off he hung up on me. How could I have been so wrong?

At first, I thought I used my decision to breakup against him in the most inappropriate manner, just to piss him off. But I did much worse. I belittled him for believing we were a couple when, in all reality, he wasn't wrong. We were still a couple in every way possible. We never ended it. I just didn't want to admit it in case he was on the verge of ruining it.

Bigger mistake.

I now saw I used it out of desperation, grasping on to it like it was a lifeline. If we had ended it, perhaps we wouldn't be in the current predicament. Maybe I wouldn't be lying in my bed awake and feeling like I was dying. Wiping away more tears, I groaned. I behaved so immaturely. I deserved whatever consequence followed, even if it meant losing him.

The biggest mistake.

Thoughts of him sharing moments with this girl brought pain like no other. And what made it even worse? I realized I might have been the sole reason he was out with her.

Colossal.

Regardless of any regret we might feel in the morning, we wouldn't have the power to take any of it back, especially if Jacob crossed that line that would change everything between us.

I couldn't imagine what the coming days were about to bring, but I was reaching the conclusion that we weren't meant to be. Something always got in the way. Some cosmic force refused to allow us happiness. But there was one thing for certain I knew, one thing I had no doubts about whatsoever; never, ever did I want to suffer through another night like this. It was the worst night of my life.

Two and a half long miserable days later, I received a text on the cell phone the rest of the family and I shared.

For Bella, Can I call you? Jake.