11. Salvaging the plan

FuckFuckFuck Fuck! Fuuuuuuuck!

Swearing doesn't get me anywhere, but it helps to relieve tension.
What should I do? How could this happen?
I wanted to shorten Sarah's ordeal, but now it looks like it will never end.
Am I responsible for this? Did I take it too far? Did I change anything that led to this? Is this my fault? The fault of my presence? My actions?
Or did it just happen that way? Because we're not in a story anymore?

FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck!

Okay, pull yourself together. You just need to reschedule. Just adjust the plan accordingly. You've managed to do everything right so far, you can keep doing it.
Just a new plan. Just start again. Go to sleep tonight and we'll start again tomorrow. Everything will be fine. For Sarah, for Jessie and for you.

Fuck!

Sarah had already noticed that something was wrong with Lavinia when Jessie intercepted her in the hallway and asked her about it. Since the two of them had returned a few days ago on Lavinia's birthday, Lavinia had become noticeably different.
Jessie thought it must have happened when they had greeted the new neighbors, because afterwards she had looked like she had run into a wall.
She seemed agitated and unfocused, barely reacting to what was going on around her. Only yesterday she had fallen in the corridor because she hadn't seen Ermengarde's bag. Before anyone could say anything, she had gotten up and walked away.
According to Jessie, she was also unfocused in class, didn't pay attention and answered questions rarely and often incorrectly. Even her usually immaculate appearance had suffered and she often looked overtired and scrunched up.
Jessie seemed very worried and reproached herself, after all, she had last been out with Lavinia. Did she have something to do with it?
And if not, what could have caused Lavinia's condition?
Sarah hadn't wanted to tell her that in many stories, when a character behaved like this, they soon died or went insane.
Jessie had almost begged her desperately to say something helpful, but before Sarah could say anything to her, Miss Minchi had appeared and slapped her for bothering a young lady at the seminary and not working. Jessie had protested, but had been sent to her room immediately.
Then Miss Minch had ordered Sarah to mop the entrance hall. She was almost halfway through when Lavinia came through the door. It was only eleven o'clock in the morning. Where had she been? Why wasn't she in class?
She didn't look well at all either. There were several tears in her dress and scratches on her hands. And there was what looked like blood on the left one.
Miss Amelia, who had been working on the Christmas decorations in the hall, came over immediately.
"Miss Herbert, where have you been? Class is almost over! And what do they look like anyway?" Lavinia just kept walking. Sarah only just heard what she said as she walked past.
"I'm already on my way. Didn't miss much. Just had to take something to the station. I'm already back." And she was gone.
Miss Amelia and Sarah looked after her worriedly. Perhaps Lavinia had gone mad after all.

Okay, they've noticed something. And it's all that damn cat's fault. I didn't want to kill him. But I had to get rid of him. And what do you do with a cat that you want to get rid of but don't want to kill?
You lure him in with scraps of meat that make your hands all bloody, pick him up and carry him to the station, take off his collar, he is scratching your hands and ruining your clothes, and throw him on the train to Edinburgh.
He won't find his way back. Now Tybalt can make a new life for himself on the other side of the country.
Mean, sure. But since the damn cat is almost responsible for Becky's death, it's very necessary. If Miss Minchi feels a real loss because of it, so much the better.
Without the cat, the seminary is rid of at least one tormentor.
But that's just a drop in the ocean.
Getting rid of the cat might prevent Becky from falling off a bell tower.
But it doesn't solve the underlying problem. Without help, Sarah and Becky and Jessie are up a creek. And Lottie and Ermengarde won't fare well either. But at least they're not in existential danger.
I'm trying to find a way to replace the supporting piece of my plan.
And I know for a fact that I can't. I don't have the money, I don't have the influence to do it all myself. I don't even have enough time.
Because I realize that I have to leave the seminary next year. Either way, I'm in the last year of my training and will be too old by my birthday.
I will then have to face the reality of being introduced into society.
But I can't think about that. I can only think about what will happen when I leave the seminar.
Even before that, I won't be able to do anything if Jessie is forced into marriage. To someone who doesn't care about her feelings or is interested in her consent.
I'll only be able to keep in touch with her by letter and maybe not even that. And depending on where her husband lives, I may never see her again.
She will be extremely unhappy. And probably commit suicide. I can't stop that if I'm not around her.
Sarah and Becky will probably not survive the next winter. Even with my help, they're already not in good shape and without it, it's just a question of them starving to death or their weakened immune systems collapsing.
And I will be somewhere else, will have to do something and live with the knowledge that three friends have died behind me that I couldn't save with all my knowledge and privilege.
There has to be a way to prevent that. But what the hell should it look like?
How can I solve this?
How How How How How How How How?

Mrs. Amelia Minchi was extremely worried. Things were not going well for the older students at the seminary. She could see that none of them were doing well.
She wanted to tell her sister about her worries, but she had another one of her moods. Besides, Maria was very busy looking for Tybalt.
Silently, she suspected that the cat had run off. Her sister had let the animal roam free, even outside, so something was bound to happen sooner or later.
Perhaps he couldn't find his way back home. Or a carriage had hit him.
Or, and she shuddered at the thought, one of the butchers of Whitechapel had taken him.
Her sister would be devastated by the loss. In recent years, the cat had been the only one for whom she had a kind word.
Sometimes she had locked herself in her study with him for hours.
Even towards her, she had become noticeably cooler. It seemed to her that her sister was treating her more and more like an employee, just another servant at the seminary.
But despite everything, she couldn't be angry with her sister.
Maria had always looked after her since her father died. She had always done the hard work and given her more free time.
Eventually she had saved enough to buy the house from her employer and open the seminary.
And when she had fallen in love with Ronald, it had been her sister who had exposed him as a fraud and saved her from making a big mistake.
Since then, she had never thought about marriage again. Even though she wanted a family.
Amelia had known how to help herself by being a surrogate mother to the girls at the seminary.
She had almost always succeeded with the younger students, but not with the older ones.
And right now she could see that they needed help. The situation with Sarah had hit them all hard and despite all the hope, it hadn't gotten any better.
Ermengarde and Lottie had been hit hard by not being able to see their best friend and their surrogate mother.
Amelia had secretly been very proud when Sarah had been able to persuade Lottie to ride with just a few words. She had never managed that herself.
She felt sorry for Ermengarde. The girl had finally found a friend after almost six years, which she had had to spend almost completely alone in the seminary, and then, less than six months later, she was no longer allowed to speak to her.
However, she suspected that Ermengarde wasn't sticking to it.
Lottie had also been hit hard. Amelia sincerely hoped that she would recover. Not only had the poor girl lost her real mother, but just as she had found some peace through her surrogate mother, she had also been taken away.
That her sister regularly used Sarah to keep Lottie calm was perhaps a small consolation.
Jessie seemed to be coping much better, but she still had Lavinia as a friend.
And Lavinia...
Amelia's thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell. The letter carrier handed her the mail and apologized for the delay. One of the roads had been blocked by an accident.
Amelia thanked him and went back into the atrium with the mail.
Her thoughts returned to Lavinia. Over the past two days, the girl hadn't been acting at all like her usual self. Something was definitely wrong.
She didn't know how she could have helped her, though. She didn't even know what exactly was going on. And Lavinia had never wanted to accept help either. She always had to do everything, no matter what, and if it wasn't perfect, she got angry.
It had seemed like she was slowly getting over it, but now it looked like Lavinia had shifted her priorities. She still seemed to assume that she stood alone against the world.
Amelia's thoughts were interrupted when Becky came out of one of the rooms with the coal pot, looked up briefly and then straight into the next room.
That was another thing she had started to think about.
Sarah and Becky.
She had tried hard not to notice the handprint on Sarah's face. Or how fearfully Becky had just looked at her. Or how often the two of them had been sent to bed without food.
While she could somewhat understand her sister in relation to Sarah, the girl had to get used to her new, harsh reality and that was better now than leaving her with any illusions, she didn't know what to make of her behavior towards Becky.
The contempt with which she treated the girl and the abuse shocked her.
After all, Maria had also worked in Becky's position for a long time.
Why couldn't she show some empathy and make the little girl's life a little easier?
What was the point of helping her with her work from time to time or giving her enough to eat?
But her sister acted as if this was a prison and Becky was the worst inmate. As if she deserved punishment.
Amelia had protested a few times, but immediately backed down after her sister's outbursts of anger.
Since then, she hadn't dared to help her.
But didn't that make her guilty too? Could she really overlook this injustice just because it was her sister?
But she simply didn't have the courage to speak to her about it.
She tried to distract herself by sorting through the post. One of the letters was from Lavinia's father.
Maybe that would help Lavinia to pull herself together again.

Dear Lavinia,

I'm sending a carriage to pick you up at 8 a.m. on December 24th and take you to our house.
Pack everything you need for the Christmas season, because you will be staying here until New Year.
I look forward to seeing you here.

Your father,

John H. Herbert

Londn, 19.12.1869