"But everything reminds me of her, this evening.
So if I seem a little out of it, sorry.
But why should I lie.
Everything reminds me of her."
It's not the obvious places where he misses her the most. It's the tucked away places where he sees her, sees what they had. The little doorway to her classroom where she called him a 'sexy fuddy duddy' where they shared a kiss, to the small space on the bleachers where they had their first date, the hallway where she pulled on his tie and told him to be adventurous. The small space they were crammed into during Monster Trucks, not that he had any plans to revisit that memory, although being pushed together was very enjoyable for him, even if he did have to watch trucks smash into each other. Her hand on his leg almost made up for the sight in front of him.
She'd turned up at his door with a glint in her eye that made him realise that this was either going to be something amazing or something awful that he would squirm through. She was wearing black jeans with a tight purple top which hugged her waist in just the right way and he was dressed….as he normally was. "Wow Rupert you really don't own anything else huh?" she'd said, smiling broadly at him. "At least if I lose you in the crowd you'll be easy to spot because no one else there is going to be dressed like you." He'd tripped over his words.
"The crowd? Crowd? There's going to be a crowd?" She'd rolled her eyes at him.
"Yes, other people will be there what did you think we were going to a tea symposium?" She pulled on his tie that he had spent far too long adjusting nervously. "Come on Rupert we'll miss the first load of trucks."
"Trucks? Plural? There's going to be trucks?"
"Didn't you just say that?"
"That was about crowds."
She'd smirked at him then and lead him to her car. As he buckled up she turned to him.
"Are you scared England?"
"Yes…I think I've made that abundantly clear."
She'd laughed again, and at that moment despite how much he knew he was going to hate whatever this was, he'd sit through it just to hear her laugh.
The two places he expected to feel his grief, the emptiness inside of him that he knew wasn't going away anytime soon were the library and his bed.
His bed.
Long after the coroners had taken away Jenny's body the dip where she had laid refused to even itself out with the rest of the mattress. Two days later it still hadn't gone away and Giles felt sick to his stomach every time he entered his bedroom. He was unsure whether it was his guilty mind seeing things, or a trick of Angel's that meant that the dip where her body had been still remained days later.
He'd smashed the bed up with a hatchet axe that evening. Conflicted with over running emotions of guilt and anger he'd hit the wooden bed frame over and over until he had splinters digging into his hands and tears running down his face. He wanted to burn the mattress and the sheets since he couldn't chop them up. The thought of the fire ripping through the cursed linens felt sobering and cleansing. But they wouldn't burn, even soaking the dam things in kerosene didn't work. Another way he tortures me he had thought.
The library
His library, where he'd realised that actually despite the threat of a demon being let loose on the internet that he actually enjoyed arguing with her. He didn't have many interactions with other members of staff, let alone ones that were female, and weren't afraid to challenge him.
"A library is for books!" he said in the staff meeting when the scanning plan was revealed to him. "Books! Not computers"
"No ones taking your precious books away Rupert." She'd said rolling her eyes. "All we're doing is scanning them into the computers so that students can access the information easily."
"And what's so hard about walking to the library and checking out a book?" he'd fired back. "Or is everyone unable to read words on paper anymore?"
It had taken him slightly aback when she had used his first name, he didn't even think any of the members of staff even knew what it was.
"The worlds changing Rupert, the dark ages were over hundreds of years ago! I would have thought that as a librarian that you would welcome an incentive that helps students to read more!"
"Books! They should be reading books!" Jenny threw her hands up in exasperation.
"Are you an only child? Do you have issues with sharing?"
"That has nothing to do with anything." He's said briskly. "I just don't see the need for all this."
"Well I do" Principal Snyder interjected, getting rather irritated with the childish squabbling. "Mr Giles, Ms Calendar will use your library for her project and try not to act like a hound marking his territory." He saw Jenny smirk and he shot her a look of disdain. 'This woman is insufferable!' he thought. 'What a dreadful woman!'
He hadn't known at the time how much her arguing back with him got under his skin, how much she had managed to get under his skin like a splinter in such a short amount of time.
The place where'd they stood kissing by the desk felt empty now. He remembered that moment with complete clarity, his hands cupping her face gently as they'd kissed, the way her arms wound around his back and curled up his spine. What was so remarkable about it was his complete lack of care. He didn't care that they were at work, or that any student could walk past the window and see what they were doing, all he cared about in that moment was just how good it felt to be kissing her freely and unencumbered.
"Aren't you worried that the books will see you." She had taunted him between kisses, teasing him whilst sliding her hands under his shirt. "The books might be offended."
"Jenny." He murmured. "This is the only time I will say this." He tilted her chin up so he could look into his eyes. "At this moment in time, I could not care less about books . They could all be replaced with computers for all I care." Her eyes danced wickedly.
"You are so sexy right now Rupert."
"Ssssh" he said, leaning in to kiss her again. "The books will get jealous." She'd giggled at that at as she wrapped herself around him, and they carried on kissing completely entwined with one another.
Her classroom.
He steeled himself as he walked down the hallway. Everything was how it should be, minus the computer on her desk and the entire absence of her. The police had been already, a possible break-in was all they had said about it, although they had said that were signs of violence, smashed glass, a fire, and drops of blood on the floor. He knew it was her blood, and he felt nauseous at the thought of her being so vulnerable on her own, facing Angel in his true demon form.
How had he would have tormented her…how he would have chased her…she would have been terrified when she died he realised with a gut wrenching twist.
In his mind's eye he saw her, picking up paperwork, working on the computer as she had been the last time he saw her.
"I shouldn't have left you. I'm sorry."
It was a confession to an empty room.
It was days later when Willow came to him nervously "I didn't know if you would want this."
It was the name sign for her desk.
"Thank you." He said, touched by the gesture. She nodded with a small sad smile on her face.
"Giles?" she said hesitantly.
"Yes Willow." He said distracted by having her name in front of him.
"I miss her too." He ran his fingers over and over the letters that spelled out her name.
"Thank you."
She was everywhere and nowhere all at once.
It took him another week to enter her classroom again. Just being in the school where she had been so vibrant with him hurt, the air seemed to hum of her and he could not get her out of his mind. He hadn't been able to since he found her. Guilt, grief and regret coursed through him in a way that he had never felt before. Peeking his head slightly around the door he was pleased to see that Willow was still taking the helm.
"I had good lesson plans. Ms Calendar had them on her computer." He nodded, and went down to sit down on the desk trying not to think about how he had done this the last time she was alive. He swallowed the memory down.
"Yes, yes, she was very dedicated." He looked down, Willow sensing the sadness and loss that he felt.
"I know I already gave you her name sign, but I found something else. I found it in her drawer, she told me it was a rose quartz, and it has healing powers. I thought she'd want you to have it." He took the delicate stone off her gently, feeling the small rope twist around his fingers.
"Thank you Willow, that's very thoughtful of you." he said, holding the quartz tightly in his palm.
He'd left her in Jenny's classroom, feeling too overcome with emotion to converse any further. It was much later while he sat in his small office, leafing through his books with Jenny's rose quartz still clasped between his fingers when he heard it.
"I need you."
He felt a surge within him, something akin to hope and wonder at the prospect that she was really here. "Jenny." He didn't know what he expected to see, but a shooting in the hallway wasn't one of them. Did Jenny set this up for him to witness it? Or was this solely something that connected with what Buffy had seen?
He knew they didn't believe him when he said that the ghost was Jenny. The looks in their eyes and the slight protestations from them spoke volumes. He didn't care though, not one bit what they thought. It had to be Jenny. It all fitted perfectly in his head, he didn't care for the kids logic, didn't want to hear what they had to say on the matter. It was Jenny; she was coming back to him.
He'd made the decision quickly, out of desperation and grief. The desperation of feeling what he thought was Jenny, ghosting the school and needing to see her spirit clouded him. Taking out the necessary items he needed He still clasped her rose quartz between his fingers as he tried to make contact with her spirit in the library. He also held the name plate from her desk in his other hand, his fingers running desperately over the lettering, trying to make her spirit return to him.
He knew it was morbid but feeling her name under the pads of his fingers, to touch something that spelled out that Jenny Calendar still existed in some kind of way, that by having her name with him and on her name plate, that she would not be forgotten and that she had been here, she had lived, she had mattered and that she had loved him. His heart ached for her as he desperately tried to contact her spirit.
'Please Jenny, just give me one sign, just one.'
There was nothing. He kept trying, listening and watching intently for any small noise or movement that could be a sign when a loud crash and screaming broke his reverie. Hurrying out of the library he came across Willow.
"Jenny could never be this mean."
"I know, it's not her is it."
His heart broke for what felt like the hundredth time.
It wasn't until later, when everyone had gathered at his apartment that he had the opportunity to speak to Willow again. To his knowledge, Buffy was in the kitchen and Xander and Cordelia were too wrapped up in conversation about what would happen if they could graduate immediately to pay them any notice.
"I miss her too you know." Willow said timidly. "I know I said that before." He raised his eyes to her. "Not, not in the way you do." She said somewhat hastily. "Not that I think I know how you miss her, I..I don't mean to be presumptuous." She fell silent, twisting her hands around.
"I just want her to be at peace. I hope she is. I just wish I had more time with her; there was so much we didn't know about each other. I didn't even know what to do with her body, whether she would have wanted to be buried or cremated." He idly played with his signet ring. "I went for burial so at least I could visit her."
"I think she would have liked that."
"I hope so. I just….I just wish everything had turned out differently."
Buffy's words echoed in Willows mind.
"He misses her, he can't think."
"Do you feel that you can't think without her being around?"
"I can." He said. "I can also live without her. I just don't want too." He said wistfully.
"She made me feel seen." Willow said, just as wistfully.
"How do you mean?" Giles asked, curious.
"She made me feel seen as myself, not just how some teachers do, they just see 'academic' Willow, who always gets good grades and studies hard. Ms Calendar, she saw me as a person, I think she could see potential in me, for what I'm not quite sure, but I feel like she's here guiding me with my teaching and my interest in magic."
Giles stared at her for a second, feeling a surge of pride bubble up in his chest.
"I had no idea she meant that much to you."
"Are you upset Giles? I didn't mean to upset you."
"No." he said with a sad smile. "I feel proud of her, that she made you feel seen. Jenny really was the sort of person who made people feel seen."
He understood exactly what Willow was saying. She saw past his snobbery and his 'fuddy duddy' exterior and saw him, Rupert. The man. Not just 'the watcher' or the 'stuffy librarian' She saw through all of that and had managed to access the part of him that he tended to squash down. The intimacy they had shared, how he felt love and sexual urges that he tended to suppress in his buttoned down tweed wearing life.
"She was good at making people feel seen. And you're right, she would have been more than happy to assist with guiding you."
"Did you wish it was her? Who had been haunting the school?"
"Yes." He admitted. "I'd do anything to talk to her again, even if it was just to tell her that I loved her."
Technically he'd told her three times, the first time being when he'd been strung out on painkillers after she'd shot him with his crossbow. He'd been in a strange waking dream, only halfway conscious when he'd slurred the words to her. Her reaction had been to merely roll her eyes and tuck him into bed. The second time had been after Eyghon in the dead of night. He'd stayed at her place to keep an eye on her, and when she inevitably woken, shaking and sweating from a nightmare he'd held her and told her that she was safe, that she was with him, and that he loved her. He wasn't sure if his words had registered with her but whether it was his words or the way he held her to him, lacing his fingers through hers and planting soft kisses on her forehead but she'd relaxed under his touch and lapsed back into slumber. The third time he hated to remember. He'd walked up the stairs after reading the one word note that had been left on his side table, feeling so joyful and happy until he'd seen her, spread out on his bed eyes staring wide and with a look of terror in them that he knew he would never be able to get out of his mind. The bottles and glasses had slipped from his hand, and he knew, he knew he shouldn't touch her but he couldn't help himself. He'd sat by her wrecked with grief and anger before pulling himself together and calling the authorities. His last act of love was to smooth his hand over her face to flutter her eyelids closed and he sat with her, knowing he only had mere minutes left with he remaining. He used them to tell her that he loved her, and he hoped that even on some small level she knew.
He'd played out the scene where he told her he loved her, properly this time countless times in his head. He saw himself walking back into the classroom after her revelation and sitting on her desk, taking her hand in his.
"So, earlier when you said that you loved me." He would say.
"Oh, you noticed that huh?" she would say smiling.
"I did."
"I probably shouldn't have said that, I know I said I didn't want to take it back and I still don't but I understand if you…"
Then he'd cut off her words with a kiss, a kiss deep and smoldering, that would leave her under no illusion as to his real feelings.
"I love you too." he would say, happy to finally admit his true feelings to her. Then in his mind's eye he saw himself taking her away from the school, away from the danger of Angelus, away from the death that loomed ahead of her.
Back at home he sat on his couch with a large whiskey. Today was the worst day, he thought to himself. Everywhere he went, she was there. It hurt. He pulled the rose quartz out of his pocket, fingering the crystal lightly trying not to think about how small the delicate necklace strings felt in his fingers, knowing that the space between them would be the exact measurement of her throat, the throat that Angelus had….he swallowed down bile and closed his eyes against the horrific images that danced across his mind. What he would never admit to anyone, barely even himself was that he had plans for them. It was within the small spaces of his mind when it was clear of thoughts of watching and slaying that he had images of the plans he had for them both. They'd go to London, to Edinburgh where Jenny would complain about the early morning rain so they'd stay in bed with coffee, breakfast and each other. He'd take her out in the afternoons, after the rain had dissipated to find cosy bars and book shops. She'd get excited learning about the ghostly history of Edinburgh, and they would spend their evenings tucked away in restaurants, only with eyes for each other. Nothing was ever cemented, just wistful thoughts curling through his mind like smokes long fingers curling through the air.
With these thoughts in his head he pulled the strings of the rose quartz necklace gently, widening the space and pulled it over his head. He tucked it under the collar of his shirt, then tied his tie neatly, looking every inch the well put together Giles that the kids expected to see.
"I'm sure you're finding this very amusing aren't you? Snobby fuddy duddy Rupert Giles wearing a rose quartz." He almost laughed to himself. It was preposterous for him to have such an item, but he felt better with the crystal resting lightly against his chest, unknown to anyone else that it was there.
"Jenny." He murmured. "I miss you every day, today was that worst day…everything reminds me of you, and its killing me."
He knew that the roe quartz was to promote healing, and he fervently hoped that it was true, and that he could begin to heal one day. Still, having something of Jenny's made him feel slightly better, and maybe one day all the things that reminded him of her would make him smile, rather than make him hurt.
"Why are you staring into outer space, crying?
Just because you came across it, and lost it, everything reminds me of her.
Everything reminds me of her."
Everything Reminds Me Of Her - Lyrics by Elliott Smith
This is my first fic in about a year (!) Its the first for Giles & Jenny so I really hope I've got the characterization correct.