Saturday, February 1st 2014

Dear Diary,

It has been a month of knowing Stefan is having sex with Caroline. I hate this.

Revenge —it's all I can think about.

That word was much easier before I realized what living with their lies would be like. It's so difficult knowing they are laughing and fucking behind my back. All the while, I'm stuck here pretending that I don't know.

Part of me wants a lot of evidence, which I have, and another part wants to be over already. This significant part of me believes I need something huge and dramatic to happen, or he will be able to convince everyone that I'm crazy.

He's so smooth and so slick all the time. He had me gaslit for years. Thinking back, anytime I was suspicious, he made me feel like I was just being irrational.

My only comfort is that damn job. I did talk to my father's old college buddy about Stefan. It was behind closed doors, and he promised never to disclose what I said. I torched his chances, and it feels incredible! It's going to be hard not laughing at him when he finally realizes he didn't get the job.

"He loves me."

Damon gave me that as a writing prompt in a different journal. The problem is something that I can only admit here. I believe him. Even worse, I find it exciting. Yet, that is absolutely as far as this goes. Right?

Truthfully, I feel bad about last night. The pain in Damon's eyes when I acted all adoring with Stefan got to me. I just don't understand why. Stefan's my boyfriend. Why should I feel bad for his brother?

I still don't get the pain there. I'm dating his brother. What does he expect?

Enzo

Thank goodness Damon spoke with him! He was utterly changed last night. Don't get me wrong. He was a huge flirt, but it was all focused on Bonnie. I'm relieved!

Caroline. Ha! She was so pissed over my couple act with Stefan that she left early. Which meant I had time to talk with Bonnie on the way home. I was thrilled to see her smiling over Enzo. I even worked to encourage her to give him a chance.

It's nice not to have to work against four more years of frustration and irritation on her part. It was a lot harder for her to soften towards him last time.

It gives me hope that I can find love, too, someday. When I write that, my stupid head brings Damon to mind, but I can't mean that. Right? He's Stefan's brother.

He always appeared to be the villain to me, but now I realize that was Stefan's role. What if one has all the good and the other has all the appearance of it?

Truthfully, it feels nice to believe that Damon loves me. I'm so hurt right now by Stefan that I worry it feels good because my pride is destroyed. It's flattering to think he loves me.

Now, if I let myself go down that path in my head, it leads me to wonder if he loved me in the other timeline, but that's just ridiculous, right? He would have gotten over me in the intervening years.

Otherwise, how conceited do I sound!?

No. It's not conceit, it's selfishness. I want there to have been someone who loved me.

"He loves me." Only here will I admit that I feel terrified. I like how it feels inside when I whisper those words to myself. One huge problem is that those words also distract me from my objective.

I have a boyfriend to expose.

It's time I refocus and work to go after Stefan.

Goal for next week: Make Caroline insane with jealousy. It's time to push her a bit harder. After all, she's the one who brought everything to light the last time.

Wish me luck.

Elena